Archive of Our Own ^beta

I've taken this so far away from Canon now I doubt I have anything left to disclaim.

Thank you once more to Kaye for the superb beta. And all those amazing people who keep sending me encouragement and wonderful words of enthusiasm - you guys really blow me away. You've all been incredibly patient - okay, maybe not patient exactly. But you know what I mean, right?

This is Part 6, following Part 5.
This part comes with a couple of warnings: you may need that box of Kleenex again - oh, and maybe a fan, 'cause those CA summers can catch you unawares.

This story is a sequel to: Without Fear 5

Without Fear Part 6

Blair could hear something banging somewhere but he was asleep and didn't want to listen. Only he couldn't be asleep if he was hearing it. But he wanted to be asleep so he grabbed a pillow and put it over his head, snuggling further down into the covers, sure that whoever the surfer was, he'd eventually give up and go away.

But it didn't stop. In fact, it got louder, a strong, insistent banging on the bar door directly below his bedroom. And then a voice, calling his name.

'Come on, Sandburg, wake up! We're wasting the day!'

Blair frowned. Was that Jim's voice?

He lifted his head from the pillow, pushing hair out of his eyes. He was greeted with young sunshine coursing in through the bedroom windows, making him squint.

The banging resumed as he turned to look at the clock: six minutes before 7am! What the hell was going on?

'Sandburg! Come on, get up!'

He obviously wasn't going to be allowed to get any more sleep. Grumbling, he fell out of bed, dragged jeans on over his boxers and stumbled out to the stairs, his body aching in all sorts of places, reminding him of the revolting work they'd had to do in the yard the day before.

He took the stairs one at a time, not wanting to fall with his vision still blurry. He reached the bar and turned to the long windows, only to find Jim standing there, surfboard leaning against one of the tables behind him.

Blair frowned. Carefully, he wended his way through the bar to open the bolts on the door. Jim pushed it open immediately, a grin on his face. 'Morning, sunshine.'

'Jim,' Blair croaked. 'It's like, seven o'clock in the morning. What the hell's going on?'

'Great waves, that's what. Really nice three to nine foot swell. Great for beginners.'

'Um, that's nice to hear, Jim. But did you really have to wake me up to tell me?'

'Well, yeah, since the beginner is you.'

Blair stared at him. Even in his dopey shock, he was unable to avoid noticing how incredibly attractive Jim was first thing in the morning. He was wearing one of his tight black t-shirts and a pair of cut-off shorts. He seemed to have lost ten years overnight as well, which only enhanced the picture. But why was he standing here talking about waves?

The power of speech returned to him. 'Me? Um, Jim, I don't surf.'

'And that would be why you're a beginner. Now come on, throw some shorts on. You won't need a wetsuit as it's pretty warm out there already. I stopped by Surfworld on the way here and rented a board for you. Now come on, there's all those great waves we're missing.'

For some reason, Blair's brain simply wouldn't work properly this morning and he could only stare at Jim, still not sure what it was he was expected to do. 'Jim, I don't understand.'

Jim came closer, placing his hands on Blair's shoulders. 'I'm going to teach you how to surf. The waves are perfect for it, so go throw on some shorts while I make you some coffee.'

'Um,' Blair pushed the hair out of his eyes again and nodded. 'Um, yeah, okay. Coffee sounds good.'

With that, he turned and headed back up the stairs, stopping in the bathroom long enough to brush his teeth, relieve himself and comb his hair back out of the way. He needed to shave, but he could hear Jim downstairs, his movements sounding impatient, so he shook his head hoping to clear it, and changed into board shorts and sandals, remembering to grab a towel before he left the apartment.

Jim had a cup of coffee waiting for him, just the way he liked it. Blair stood at the bar and sipped, feeling Jim's gaze on him, the caffeine slowly waking him up until he was completely alert by the time it was gone.

'Ready?' Jim seemed barely able to contain his excitement.

Blair just shook his head, a wry smile forming. 'Yeah, why not?'

Despite Jim's assurances to the contrary, the water was actually quite cold when Blair walked into it. A minute later he was shivering and Jim frowned.

'Sorry, Chief, but once you get moving, you'll warm up.'

'And if I don't?'

'Then we'll stop. Next time I'll get you a wetsuit.'

'Okay.' Next time. Next time? There'd be a next time, would there? Another time when they'd go surfing together? Was that what Jim was saying?

'Hey, don't look so worried.' Jim took the board he was carrying and laid it down on the water. Jim had left his board on the beach, deciding that for the first lesson, they'd only need the one. 'It's actually a lot easier than it looks.'

'Yeah?' Blair half smiled. Jim's enthusiasm was infectious.

'You'll just have to trust me.'

'But you haven't surfed in years.'

'Well, no, but it's like riding a bike.'

'Bikes have wheels, Jim.'

'True, but you never forget how to ride them.'

'That's what they say, but is it true, that's my question.'

'Stop procrastinating and come sit on the board.'

Jim held it steady as Blair waded through the shallows. Here the swell was only moderate and the water up to Blair's hips. Further out the waves were crashing every few minutes, decorated with boards and surfers decked out in iridescent finery.

Predictably, Blair's first attempt to get on the board failed, tipping him off as he flailed his arms and legs, splashing in over his head, giving him a mouthful of salty water. Patiently, Jim helped him up, held the board again, and then watched as he tipped off again. And again. And again.

After the fifth attempt, he turned to Jim and said, 'I'm assuming there's more to this lesson than you getting your jollies watching me get dunked, right?'

Jim pursed his lips together, but his eyes were glinting laughter, which in the end, he couldn't contain. 'I'm sorry, Chief, but you look so determined. Look, the idea is you slide one leg...'

As Jim began to detail the correct technique, Blair gazed steadily at the detail of Jim's body now revealed to him. Jim's chest was bare, his light cotton shorts sitting around hip height, giving Blair an uninterrupted view of those fabulous pecs, abs and biceps. Smooth, hard and sculptured. Tawny wet nipples sat upright in the off-shore breeze, making Blair's mouth water.

'Okay, so you want to try again?' Jim's voice faded back in and Blair blinked.

'Oh, sure.' He turned back to the board, half-laughing to himself. Maybe this was Jim's way of showing off his body, but right now, Blair didn't really care. It wasn't as though he'd never seen Jim naked - because on the oil rig, he had, and yeah, well of course he'd peeked - he would've been crazy not to. But back then, he'd only been able to afford just that, a peek. Now, as he learned this new sport, he was being given free reign to openly stare, so he determined that's exactly what he was going to do and if Jim didn't like it, hell, he could go put on a t-shirt.

He'd lost sleep last night, wondering why Jim had kissed him, why there'd been that gentleness in the touch on his knee, the warmth in his gaze as he'd said goodnight. A dozen different thoughts had scattered through his weary brain with none of them holding up under scrutiny.

Almost ready to pass out with emotional and physical exhaustion, he'd come to a single conclusion: he would only find out the answers to his questions by asking Jim - which was precisely the last thing he wanted to do. So he decided on the next best thing - not question it. Instead, he was simply going to take each single moment as it came, enjoy it, treasure it, and keep it for the inevitable time when there would be no more.

He got on the board and this time, he didn't tip off. Jim waited a moment, one hand out to steady him, then stepped back, a grin forming on his face. 'Okay, Chief, now the idea is to use your hands to paddle, just enough to steady yourself. Yeah, like that. Now, I'm going to get my board so I can show you a few more things. Back in a second.'

Blair watched him go, watched those fine muscles flex and bend, the wet shorts clinging to his fine ass as Jim waded out of the water then ran up the beach, then again as Jim returned, his board under his arm. It was such a nice sight he almost let out a dreamy sigh - but stopped himself just in time.

Jim however, seemed utterly oblivious to what was going through Blair's mind. He seemed totally fixated on getting Blair up on the board and surfing. So Blair followed Jim's instructions, falling again and again until he was able to kneel on his board and paddle with both hands at the same time. He could also lie down and paddle, steering his board in a twisting loop as he followed Jim along the shoreline.

Then at last, when he'd satisfied Jim that he'd learned the basics, they went out into deeper water and headed for the waves. Blair felt a thread of panic go through him then, but Jim had explained that at first, Blair shouldn't even think about standing. He should just lie flat on his stomach, paddle hard as the wave rose beneath him and try to follow it in. He'd have to do that a few times to get the feel of the wave. Then, eventually he could graduate to going from lying to kneeling, and then eventually, when he was ready and he had his balance, go from kneeling to standing.

The sun was high in the sky when Blair finally tried it, finally got to his feet as the wave pulled him along and actually let go the board to straighten up.

It felt incredible. For a few, blissful, awesome seconds, he was actually surfing a wave, all on his own!

Then of course, he got carried away, forgot to keep his balance and tipped over head first into the swirling wave, banging his head on his board as he did so. He surfaced long enough to grab some air before he was pushed under again only this time, the wave crashed onto the beach, stirring up so much sand he couldn't tell which way was up. Determined not to panic, he held his breath and sure enough, seconds later, the wave retreated and he could see the sun shining through the water. Kicking out strongly, he made for the surface to find Jim standing there in the shallows, concern on his face, both their boards at his side. He gave Jim a wave then stroked through the water towards him.

'You okay?'

'I'm fine.' Blair coughed a little, coming up laughing. 'Man, did you see me? I stood up! Right on top of the wave, I stood!'

Jim's smile was like sunshine. 'Yeah, I saw. Felt good, huh?'

'Oh, man, it sure did! I wanna do it again!'

'Let's go.'

They paddled out again, Jim staying beside him this time, talking to him, telling him about the different waves, how big they'd end up being, when to start paddling, what angle to take and Blair heard it all, like it was soaking into his skin. And he watched, and waited, seeing other guys out there, suddenly understanding what they were doing, and better still, how they were doing it.

And then it was time.

'Okay, Chief, start paddling.'

He moved forward on his knees, paddling, angling in, getting in front of the next swell. It was the biggest he'd tried so far, and for a moment, he almost lost his balance and came off the board. But he just paddled harder and suddenly, he was on top of it, and without even thinking, he got to his feet, let his hands go of the board and he was off, coasting, feeling the immense power of the wave beneath his feet, keeping his knees bent, turning the board back into the wave and along it, soaring, flying, the most incredible feeling ever.

It seemed to last forever and he let himself get lost in the wave, on and on until suddenly there was nothing of it left and the abrupt decline in power made him tumble over the front of the board but this time he remembered to keep his head out of the way. He got dunked again, but the water was only waist deep by this time. He surfaced with a whoop, punching the air then scrambling to catch his board before it could knock somebody out.

Then he turned to see where Jim was - and the sight took his breath away.

Jim was surfing, staying low on the board, twisting and turning, playing the wave like a virtuoso. In and out, up over the back then down again until, with a grin on his face a mile wide, he slowly coasted towards Blair and with a graceful slide, came off the board to land only a few feet from Blair.

Blair began to laugh, and Jim laughed with him. Shaking his head in wonder, Blair gave his board a good push towards the shore then began wading towards Jim. Two feet away, he launched himself forward, landing on Jim and taking them both down. For a moment, they wrestled underwater, then Jim's larger frame took them back to the surface, but Blair hadn't finished with him.

With his arms around Jim's neck, he kept them low in the water, so only their shoulders were free. His smile gone now, Jim met his gaze, fear perhaps making his body tense, but even so, his arms held Blair carefully, hands grasping Blair's sides, not pushing him away, not bringing him closer - but not letting go.

It was Jim's fear that broke the silence. 'What's wrong?' he asked, as though he were afraid of the silence, afraid of Blair's answer.

'Right now,' Blair replied, smiling a little, 'absolutely nothing at all.' With that, he let go one hand and brought it around to touch Jim's face, caressing his jaw, brushing over his lips. And then he brought his own close, so close he could almost taste Jim on the salty air. 'Do you want me to kiss you?' he breathed.

Jim's took in a shuddering breath, 'Yes,' he whispered. 'Please.'

Blair's smile widened a moment, and then he pressed his mouth against Jim's, feeling it open beneath him, moist and hot, sweet after the salt, silky like the sea, a cavern of desire. Blair wrapped his other arm around Jim's neck, the sea lapping around them, caressing their bodies, making them move against each other, and still the kiss danced on, drew them in deeper, until Jim got to his feet, drawing Blair up with him until he was holding him up, his strength and the sea, holding them both up.

Blair broke the kiss a moment, to gasp in a breath, some part of him starting to laugh before Jim caught his mouth again and he dived in once more. Jim moaned, deep in his throat, and Blair could only match it with a whimper. His head was spinning, every inch of skin on his body tingling and alive, heart pounding as it had never done while surfing. Jim only pulled him closer, wrapping his arms around Blair's back, until their semi-naked bodies were driven against each other, wet skin and hard muscle, the kiss filling all the questions between them with the same thundering power of the wave, the same soaring flight.

Blair could have stayed there forever, but soon - way too soon - a noise interrupted them, coming from the beach and the shallows. Cheering and whooping, and words he couldn't quite make out.

'Hey guys,' one surfer called, 'you can get a room for that, you know?'

Jim froze and instantly pulled away, letting Blair slide down until his feet touched sand again. His face flushing, Jim looked around guiltily, but the other surfers on the beach were laughing and applauding before going back to their sport.

Blair could only laugh at the sight of Jim's blush. 'Man, you are soooo predictable.'

Jim raised his eyebrows, for a moment, looking very vulnerable - and just a little sheepish. 'I forgot they were there.'

'Yeah, I know.' Blair nodded. 'Let's go in. I'm starved and I haven't even had breakfast yet. What's the time?' He grabbed Jim's wrist and looked at his watch. 'Man, it's past midday! We've been surfing for five hours! No wonder I'm hungry. Come on!'

Blair waded towards the shore then, some previously dead part inside him still laughing, still launched off the planet, coasting on that big wave in the sky. Even as he picked up his board and made for the stairs, he knew he'd come down soon, knew he'd regret the kisses, knew that there'd be a price to pay - and it wouldn't take long - but right now, he just let himself revel in one of the most spectacular experiences of his life ever.

And yeah, the surfing hadn't been bad either.

Jim took a moment outside the bar to hose the salt water off the boards and lean them up against the kitchen wall. While he was there, he wandered around the side of the building to check out how the excavations looked in the plain light of day.

One big, shocking mess was the short answer.

Shaking his head, he turned and headed inside, after drying himself with his towel so he wouldn't drip water everywhere. He thought he might find Blair in the kitchen, but it was empty, so he went through to the bar and came to a halt when he saw Blair at the business end of the bar, on the phone, a frown on his face, shaking his head.

Jim wanted to ask what was wrong, but Blair barely glanced at him.

'Yeah, I know that Louise. The problem is, I don't really want to. Yes, I know I used to but I learned my lesson. Uh huh. Yeah, but- ... Look, I don't even know if I can. Louise, just hang on a moment, will you?'

Blair turned to Jim then, a grimace on his face as he indicated the phone. 'Take a shower if you want. Up the stairs and through the apartment door, second on your left. There's plenty of hot water and towels on the shelf over the bath.'

Jim waved, but Blair had already gone back to his call, all business, as though there'd been no moment on the beach, no apparent breakthrough, no hard intimacy between them.

A little shell-shocked, Jim climbed the stairs and stepped through into Blair's apartment. The space was quite light and airy, aided substantially by the French windows leading out onto the small balcony. The apartment was essentially a single room, but there was a couch and a chair and coffee table in front of the windows, and in front of Jim, an unmade bed with ocean blue sheets tangled all over it. To his left was a door leading to a tiny kitchenette, and the second door took him to the bathroom. A third door - he discovered as he peeked - led to a huge walk-in closet.

He walked into the bathroom and stripped off, ducking under the water with the movement of a man so completely exhausted by exercise he could barely stand up.

Much as he didn't want to, he was going to have to go back to the hotel and take a nap. Turns out he wasn't as young as he used to be - or maybe it was just the adrenalin of being with Blair, teaching him how to surf, and yes, damnit, kissing him like that, feeling so... so... bound up with him, so utterly entranced by him.

Blair had always known people were attracted to him - but it took until today for Jim to realize that Blair actually had no idea just how beautiful he was. Sure, Jim had caught Blair checking him out a couple of times, which admittedly made him feel a little nervous, but in return, he couldn't take his eyes off that fit, tanned body, the sun bleached chest hair, the shiny silver nipple ring and the dark leather bracelets on each wrist, the eyes sparkling in delight at his success.

Even on the board, though a beginner, Blair had taken on a grace that made Jim watch him open mouthed.

And then - then Blair had kissed him, had held him, whimpered in his arms and the memory of that now made Jim close his eyes, not at all surprised to find himself hardening a little, and not scared by it at all.

It was amazing really, that he could go for more than a year without seeing or speaking to this man, and yet, literally, within hours of arriving here, find himself kissing Blair, touching him, breathing in his intoxicating scent, watching those blue eyes watch him in return - and not be overwhelmed by it all. Instead, his senses were behaving as though they were busily touching base, realigning themselves with their baseline measure: Blair.

Just as Jim was.

He could hardly believe it. Last night, lying in his hotel bed, he'd been unable to sleep, going over and over the hours he'd spent with Blair, even those spent up to their knees in mud. He lavished attention on the memories, letting his senses remind him of every single detail of Blair's very existence. And then, of course, adding in the flirting, and the kiss, not just the taste and texture of it, the wetness, the sweetness of it, but the simple reality of the fact that after so very, very long, he was actually kissing Blair. At last.

Oh, yes, at last.

And now, today. His senses were having a field day, his soul catching up with so much it had missed with Blair's absence but in the pit of his stomach was this tiny shred of panic. He needed to talk to Blair, needed to sit them both down. He had things he needed to say, questions he needed answers to, and then he wanted to ask, or maybe invite... or whatever, just damned well find out if and when Blair was ever coming home.

He caught himself, pulling in a deep breath as his throat constricted. He let it out slowly and took in another. It wouldn't do him any good at this point to lose the control he'd held onto for so long. His control was all he had, the only thing keeping him in one piece, the single shred of reliability he had remaining from his old life. And he knew it would take every ounce of control he had to convince Blair to come home.

Realizing he was probably using up all the hot water, he scrubbed the salt off his body and got out of the shower, extending his hearing to find Blair now off the phone and in the kitchen.

Jim pulled on the dry cut-offs he'd worn from the hotel and padded barefoot downstairs to find Blair standing in the doorway of the pantry, bracing himself with a hand on either side of the door. He didn't look happy.

'What's up?' Jim asked, trying to peer over his shoulder. 'Mice?'

'I almost wish there were,' Blair murmured, then reached back for the pad and pen he'd left on the counter. Immediately, he began scribbling things down. He turned and ducked around Jim to pace to the other side of the kitchen and rummage through a couple of big plastic bins stowed under one of the counters. Then he scribbled more notes.

'Chief? I thought you were hungry?'

Blair frowned a moment, pushing his glasses up his nose. His hair was still wet and his shorts still clingy. Abruptly, he glanced up. 'Oh, shit yeah, I am. Sorry. Only something's come up. This friend of mine, Louise, well, it's her fiftieth today and she'd booked the Moonlight for a birthday dinner tonight - only it turns out the Moonlight had some serious roof leakage with the rain yesterday and their dining room has been closed by the building inspectors. She's basically begged me to have it here.'

Jim's heart sank. 'And you said yes.'

Blair's gaze slid over his before returning to the notepad again, though Jim knew this man well enough after four and a half years to recognize simple evasion when he saw it.

To hide his suddenly sharp disappointment, he turned away, remembering at the last minute that he was standing right in front of the bread basket. He pulled out some slices and moved to the fridge, determined to at least get some food into Blair before he passed out from hunger.

There was silence from Blair for a moment, then he picked up the phone again and started making calls, begging and cajoling Dean and Charlie to work again tonight, that it was only dinner for twenty-two and no casual customers. Then he was done and he ran upstairs to shower and change. By the time he came down, Jim had made them both sandwiches, poured out glasses of milk and finished eating his own. He'd also managed to clean up, leaving Blair's plate and glass sitting on the counter waiting for him.

Hungry though he might be, Blair didn't touch the food but simply watched Jim warily. 'Are you upset?'

'Upset? No,' Jim shook his head, grabbing a dishtowel to dry up. 'Why should I be upset?' He couldn't help but hear a faint echo in his response. 'She's a friend, of course you have to help her out. Sit down and eat, Chief, and I'll get out of your hair. I'm sure you've got a lot to do.'

Jim moved around the central counter, heading for the bar where he'd left his things, planning to make a quick escape, but Blair reached out a hand and stopped him. 'You are upset.'

Shaking him free, Jim took a step back, his hands spread in frustration. 'Look, Chief, just tell me what's going on, here, okay? 'Cause I'm getting some pretty mixed signals from you. Tell me straight out - do you want me to go?'

'Go?'

'Back to Cascade. Do you want me to leave?'

Blair stared at him a moment, then his eyes wide, and his voice very small, he asked, 'What would you do if I said yes?'

Now there was a question. A week ago, when he'd left Cascade, he'd been determined he was going to bring Blair back with him if he had to tie him up and abduct him. But back then, he hadn't envisaged Blair making such a good life for himself, hadn't expected this much success, this much contentment. Which of course, was a fool's mistake in the first place.

That didn't mean he'd given up, though. Didn't mean his whole body wasn't leaning towards Blair's and only the sheer strength of his determination kept them apart.

Godamnit! How was he supposed to know what to do next, what to say? This was a minefield without even a map, or a single sign showing the boundaries. He knew that at any moment, the wrong word from him would shatter this dreadfully fragile thing they had going here - but he had no way of knowing what kind of word that might be. If he expressed his determination, would Blair tell him to leave? If he just went along with this constant evasion, would Blair decide he didn't want Jim after all?

They needed to talk. Badly. They needed to do it right now. They would have been doing it right now if Blair hadn't fallen on the first excuse handed to him not to. Jim couldn't help the sinking feeling that Blair would use every means at his disposal to avoid ever having that conversation.

Jim shook his head, walked to the kitchen window, and took a moment to look out, rubbing his hand over his face and his quickly-dried hair. 'Could you use an extra pair of hands tonight?'

There was a long pause where Blair didn't answer. Then, he moved up behind Jim, slid his arms around Jim's waist and hugged him, pressing his face against Jim's shoulder blades. Jim almost wept with the simplicity of the gesture, but he did nothing more than capture Blair's hands in his own and squeeze them tight.

They were both of them making this up as they went along. The best thing Jim could do right now was to avoid any desperate measures and ultimatums and just let them each find their way through this. It was the only way they could survive.

'So, um,' Jim began again as Blair held on. 'Why don't you finish off that list and I'll go into town and pick up what you need. I'll stop off at a hardware store while I'm there and get you a new pipe. I can install it tomorrow morning, before we go surfing.'

'Can't surf tomorrow,' Blair murmured, his words warm against Jim's back. He didn't seem willing to let go. 'I have to do the early shift.'

'Well, whenever.'

'Okay.' Then finally Blair did let go. He stepped back, grabbed half the sandwich with one hand and took a big bite, while with the other hand, he scribbled something else down on the list, his head ducked low, as though he couldn't afford for Jim to see his face.

Jim could only stand there and watch him. The words were on the tip of his tongue, hovering, waiting to be spoken aloud, but he knew if he said them now, it would be too much. He had to be patient, had to be prepared for the answer to be no.

The problem was, he had no idea what he was going to do with the rest of his life if it was.

As part of his deal to do the dinner that night, Blair had got Louise to agree to a very limited menu - which made preparation and ultimately, the rest of the evening, as easy as it could be, considering how tired he was.

With only a little grumbling, Dean turned up to cook, prepared enough to leave only a few things for Blair to do. That left Jim and Charlie waiting and working the bar. Compared to the frantic efforts of the night before, this was almost leisurely. The best part about it was Louise's best friend had volunteered her place for a party afterwards, so fed and ready to celebrate more elsewhere, the group rose almost as one around ten o'clock, shouted out their thanks and left.

By that point, the kitchen was mostly clean and as he had promised, Blair told Dean and Charlie they could go home. Only too eager to get out early - on their day off - they hightailed it out of there before Blair could change his mind.

This of course, left Blair to do the rest of the cleaning. It left him alone with Jim.

Which was exactly what he didn't want. He was certain of that - but he couldn't quite work out why. After all, hadn't he initiated those kisses this morning? Hadn't he been determined to make the most of this flirting while he could? Didn't he know that pushing Jim away like this would only make him leave?

As he put the last of the plates into the dishwasher and turned it on, Jim came into the kitchen behind him, carrying the tray of condiments and linen he'd collected from the tables. Blair took it from him and immediately began refilling salt and pepper shakers. Keeping his expression neutral and his breathing steady, he said, 'Thanks for all your help today. I couldn't have done it without you.'

'You're welcome.' Jim took up all the napkins and dumped them in the laundry basket behind the door. 'At least they didn't hang around too late.'

'Yeah. I don't know about you, but I'm exhausted. Almost asleep on my feet. Look, you head off and get some sleep. I can finish this up on my own.'

Jim stood beside him without saying a word, and as the silence grew, Blair could only hope that Jim would understand and just go. Even if he wanted to talk, Blair was too tired - and so was Jim. Neither of them had got much sleep the night before, and they'd both tired out their bodies in the sea before working flat out all day and into the evening. Surely Jim would see that it was best if he just went now.

'The bar still needs mopping, and there's glasses stacked up to go into the washer. I'll do those first.'

'I just swept the bar - it doesn't really need mopping. And I can do the glasses tomorrow morning while I'm doing breakfast. Really, Jim, there's nothing much else to do.' Blair finished refilling the shakers and started stacking them on the shelf to his right. In the corner of his eye he could see Jim still watching him.

When Jim spoke, his voice was low, his weariness showing through in the almost husky tone. 'You're gonna keep doing this, aren't you? Pulling me close, then pushing me away? You're going to keep doing this until either I crack or I run. Why? If you want me to go, why not just say so?'

Blair stopped what he was doing. Slowly, he turned to face Jim, and was taken aback at the paleness of Jim's face, the faint smudges under his eyes. But the eyes were bright and spoke volumes. 'Jim, we're both exhausted.' Blair began in his most reasonable voice, trying to stem the thin thread of panic that threatened his calm. 'Do you really think this is the best time to talk?'

Jim simply met his gaze a moment longer, before lifting his chin a little. 'It's a good enough time for you to answer my question. Yes, or no, Sandburg. Do you want me to go home, back to Cascade?'

Blair couldn't answer immediately. His throat suddenly dried up and he turned away, shocked by the depth of his reaction, by the almost overwhelming need that soared through him. It had been more than a year. He'd come so far. He'd worked so hard - and yet, none of that had done anything to diminish the love he felt, nor the desire to capture it in his arms.

No matter Jim's reasons for being here, Blair simply didn't have it in him to tell him to go, simply didn't have the courage to deny all he was feeling and still be able to go on with his life afterwards. He might not want to talk about it, but that didn't mean he didn't need to know why Jim was here, didn't need to keep him here as long as possible.

'No,' he whispered, unable to face Jim now, unable to deal with the shame he felt. 'I don't want you to go.'

There was a long silence in which Jim said nothing. Then the older man came closer, placing a hand on Blair's shoulder to turn him around before gathering him into his arms. Blair wrapped his arms around Jim's back, simply holding on, afraid of the power of what he felt, afraid that having Jim here, this close, would only encourage him to lose himself again, to bury himself inside the love.

He'd made that mistake once before and paid the price. He couldn't afford to do it again - no matter what else happened. It had taken him a long time to find himself. If he had to do it again, he wasn't sure he'd succeed.

'It's okay, Chief,' Jim murmured into his hair, making no move to kiss Blair or do anything else. 'I know it's not easy. I know I'm probably asking more than you're ready to give right now and I'm sorry. Let's just take it easy, okay?'

Blair nodded into Jim's shoulder. 'Yeah, sounds good.'

Jim held him a moment longer, then reluctantly let go. He brushed a hand across Blair's jaw before stepping back. 'I'll see you in the morning.'

'Goodnight, Jim.'

With the flash of a real smile, Jim opened the kitchen door and left. Blair followed enough to lock up. Then he paused, his forehead pressed against the door.

He still wanted Jim. Wanted everything it seemed Jim was offering. But if he took it, what would he be left with? They didn't have a future, hell, they didn't even really have past. What would happen when Jim finally went home?

The silence of the night was his only answer. Exhausted, he turned and headed out of the kitchen, turning lights off as he went. He needed sleep. Maybe the morning would give him a few answers.

The morning sun held a lot of warmth as Jim drove towards the bar. There was also a stiff breeze making the trees dance this way and that, driving up little whitecaps on the waves he could see from the road. He'd slept well last night, rising early, but rested enough to embrace the day. Without thinking, he'd dressed, packed a small bag, grabbed his surf board and headed out.

By the time he reached the bar, he found the outside tables almost full of customers. Most of them were surfers filling up on milkshakes and thick sandwiches. Half-smiling at the memory of once being one of them, Jim leaned his board against the kitchen wall and pulled the door open. He found Blair inside with Daisy, both rushing to fill orders.

'Hi, Jim,' Daisy called as she took an armful of plates out into the bar.

Blair looked up, his eyes brightening when he saw Jim. That was enough to encourage Jim to come inside. 'Hey.'

'Hey,' Blair replied before turning back to the stove. He flipped a couple of burgers as Jim glanced around. Then listening out for Daisy's return, Jim came a little closer, reached out to turn Blair's face back towards him before pressing a light kiss on his lips.

Instantly, Blair gave him a smile and leaned in to make the kiss a little more solid. Then he was laughing a little, turning his attention back to his cooking.

Feeling a quite smug, Jim stood out of the way, 'You need any help?'

'Nah,' Blair replied, scooping up a beef patty to place on a burger roll. 'The breakfast rush is almost over. You want something to eat?'

'I was thinking of heading out first. Maybe we could eat together later?'

Blair nodded, throwing him another smile, one filled with a little disbelief and perhaps even a touch of happiness. 'Sure. Have fun.'

With that, Jim headed outside, waving to Daisy as she moved among the tables. He collected his board and made for the stairs to the beach.

It was a perfect day for surfing. The waves were bigger than the day before, so perhaps it was a good thing Blair wasn't out in it. Jim walked into the water, tugging his board along behind him, the feeling of smugness still radiating through him.

Blair had smiled at him, had kissed him back. Blair had said he didn't want Jim to go. For the moment, until they had their next crisis, things looked pretty good.

So he slid onto his board with a clear mind and paddled out into the waves. No matter what happened next, he was ready for it.

Blair was still on the phone when Jim came back. The breakfast customers had long gone and Daisy was in the kitchen cleaning up, getting ready for the lunch crowd. Blair indulged himself a moment, as Jim stood in the doorway of the bar drying himself off - but then he realized Daisy kept glancing at him so Blair called out to Jim, 'Take a shower if you want.'

'Thanks,' Jim grinned, obviously in a great mood. He took his bag and disappeared upstairs, leaving Blair to finish placing orders for the following week.

He headed into the kitchen then to find Daisy fixing herself a roll. 'You want to take some time off?'

'Sure!' Daisy raised her eyebrows in surprise. 'Have you seen the waves today?'

'Just make sure you've digested that before you go in.' Blair continued past her and stopped in the pantry doorway. With a critical eye, he realized the small room needed a serious cleanout.

'Of course,' Daisy spoke around a mouthful of food, 'I could always work and you could take some time off to spend with Jim.'

Blair just shook his head, smiling only because she couldn't see him. 'I have work to do.'

'So? I can clean out the pantry as well as you can.'

'Yeah?' Blair glanced over his shoulder, 'You also want to change the broken grease trap pipe?'

'Um, that would be a no.'

'I can't believe you're trying to get out of surfing.'

Daisy just raised her eyebrows at him and added, 'I can't believe you're not sleeping with Jim.'

Blair turned back to the pantry and began hauling out the tubs of rice and flour. 'You want to go surfing or not? It's ten now - you can get in at least an hour before the lunch crowd arrives and Dean'll be here by then.'

'Fine, fine, I get the message, boss.' Daisy picked up her plate and stacked it in the dishwasher. 'Unless... you want me out of the way so you can have a little private time with Jim? That's romantic.'

'About as romantic as it was the other night when we fixed the plumbing, right?' Blair could only laugh. Daisy had been trying to match him off with guys for a long time - since the day she'd made a pass at him and he'd got out of the awkward situation by telling her he was gay. It wasn't quite true, but at that point, he'd not only not wanted to be sleeping with anybody - he most certainly didn't want to be sleeping with an employee. Even if that employee had the body of a Greek goddess.

She came and stood behind him, keeping her voice low, 'Look, boss, it's obvious to anybody who has eyes that you and Jim are aching for each other. Dive in! He's hot!'

Blair straightened up, placed his hands on her shoulders and spun her around to face the door. 'You have two choices. One of them is to go surf.'

There was a brief pause as she pretended to consider what the other option might be, then nodded, 'Okay, surfing it is. I'll catch you later.'

Blair had started pulling things off the shelves by the time Jim reappeared, freshly showered and wearing cutoffs and a tank top. He'd caught a little sun over the last few days, giving his skin the beginnings of a tan, and yes, Blair's mouth watered a little.

But he said nothing, and deliberately did his best not to stare. He stopped his cleaning and headed towards the stove. 'Hungry?'

'Starved.'

'How does omelet, bacon, mushrooms and tomatoes sound?'

'Like a banquet. We sitting outside?'

'Why not?'

'What about customers?'

'It's usually pretty quiet during the week until lunch time.'

'Okay. What can I do?'

'Grab some bacon out of the fridge?'

Breakfast turned into a real banquet. Blair couldn't remember eating that much in months. He'd made up extra bacon for Jim, extra mushrooms for himself, and at the last moment, bent all his own rules and fried a little bread for them both. With coffee, orange juice, sliced melon and fresh rolls, the table almost groaned under the weight.

But it was absolutely delightful sitting there in the sun, eating good food, listening to Jim talk about surfing, beaches he'd been to, guys and girls he'd met along the way. And Blair contributed with a few stories of his own, overheard from the surfers who frequented the Bar and towards the end, as he was sitting back with a full stomach, he admitted that he'd enjoyed the surfing the other day enough to want to try it again soon.

Jim poured them both the last of the coffee and shrugged. 'We can go whenever you like, Chief. I know you work in the mornings, but sometimes the afternoon produces good waves as well. We could go later if you've got the time.'

It didn't take Blair to be a mind-reader to note how Jim's off-hand invitation held a tense undercurrent. Unwilling to spoil the moment, he nodded, 'Yeah, okay, if I have the time.'

Jim's gaze narrowed, as though he was trying to tell if that was another evasion. But then he stood and began stacking plates ready to take them inside. Blair followed him until the table was cleared and the dishwasher loaded.

'Thanks for breakfast, Chief.'

'No problem. With the work you've done here I owe you at least a few meals.'

'In that case, expect me for lunch,' Jim turned for the kitchen door, his smile graceful and easy. 'I'll be hungry after I've finished digging.'

'Oh,' Blair frowned. 'You're going to do that now? I was going to help, but I...'

'You're on duty, Chief. It's okay, I can manage on my own. Won't take me long to replace the pipe and fill trench in again. Relax,' Jim waved his hand toward the pantry. 'Go clean.'

With that, he was gone, and Blair was forced to do as he was told.

The morning flew by as he cleaned and reorganized the pantry in between serving coffee to passing customers. Then Daisy came back from her surf and asked to borrow the shower. While she was upstairs, Dean arrived and took over the kitchen. Finally free for a few minutes, Blair headed into the bar, collected a bottle of water and glanced at the booking sheet.

He headed outside then, around to the north side of the building to find Jim cleaning up the last of the stray dirt. The trench was filled and packed down with surviving clumps of turf and the broken pipe lay on the path, the new one already in place and buried.

'Hey,' Blair smiled as Jim looked up. 'Thirsty?'

'Yeah, thanks!'

Jim wiped his hands and took the bottle. He opened it and half-emptied it in one go. Blair took the moment to watch him, then on impulse, said, 'Listen, we've only got six bookings tonight. Dean, Martha and Charlie can handle them on their own.'

'Yeah?' With suddenly feigned nonchalance, Jim put his bottle down and finished scraping the last of the dirt over the trench.

'I'm thinking we could pack up a picnic and drive down the coast a little. There's a nice park on the cliff we could stop at. They make pretty nice sunsets around here.'

It took a moment, then Jim nodded, 'Sounds good.' The words were brief, but the warmth in them was enough to reach Blair's belly, making him nod as well before turning back towards the kitchen.

'Come in for lunch whenever you're ready.'

'I'll need another shower first,' Jim called.

'Help yourself.'

The hot day had miraculously segued into a blissfully warm evening by the time Jim pulled the truck in to park. The Pacific stretched out into the distance, a few hazy clouds drifting across the horizon promising a great sunset and Jim would have been a fool to pretend it wasn't pretty romantic.

With a glance at Blair, he got out of the truck and turned to the back to pull out the basket of food while Blair grabbed cushions, blanket and wine. Together they walked to a spot close to the cliff edge, keeping up the unstrained and yet, almost too-easy conversation they'd begun when he'd picked Blair up from the Bar.

Talking had always been an easy thing for them - as long as it didn't touch on anything too dangerous. And tonight was no different. Blair had amiably chatted about the changes he'd made at the Bar, the other work he did teaching adults to read - which hadn't surprised Jim at all. And Jim in turn had asked questions, genuinely interested and curious to know about Blair's life here. But he studiously avoided asking Blair about what he'd done before he'd reached Encinitas. He was well aware of the months missing in between and knew it was way too early to be bringing them out into the open.

Jim opened the wine while Blair spread out the light meal he'd prepared. Scents rose to Jim then, of delicious food, the salty air, the tantalizing wine - and Blair, clean, warm and only a little nervous.

It would have been only too easy to pretend this was their second date, and they were just a couple of guys, obviously attracted to each other, getting to know each other. But Jim knew this might be his only chance - and he figured Blair knew that too, and that's why he was nervous.

But he kept his questions to himself as they ate, talking only about the food, or the view, or any other thing that sat in the safe space between them. It was actually really nice, he decided as he laid back on the cushions and sipped his wine. His stomach was pleasantly full, the evening was warm, the wine light and yet full of flavor - and the company perfect.

'So tell me,' Blair changed the subject as he cut off one more tiny morsel of the delicious hard cheese he'd brought from the kitchen. 'How do you feel about the prospect of becoming an uncle - apart from the senses thing?'

Jim raised his eyebrows a little, doing his best to focus on the question. It wasn't easy as his senses were doing a short side-step to indulge in the output from Blair, hearing focusing on the timbre of his voice, losing himself in the individual scent, gaze casting over the tanned, fit man beside him, wearing a faded blue tee and dark blue jeans. It was the third time they'd done it that day, and it was getting a little annoying - especially since it almost always left him half hard.

'I'm not sure I've thought about it too much,' he admitted, throwing Blair a smile. 'I mean, Megan's not been well with it so far - though, she's not in any danger and Steven tells me they've got a great doctor. So I guess I've been thinking more along the lines of hoping everything goes okay, and of course, that the whole sentinel thing is not a factor at all.'

'What would you do if it was?'

Jim could only sigh. 'I honestly don't know. I mean, I can barely remember what having the senses as a child was like, and of course, it makes a big difference if the whole family is aware of it and knows how to deal with it.'

'But?'

Jim looked at him, 'But I'm not sure I'd wish it on anyone, let alone a poor unsuspecting baby.'

Blair half-smiled, 'Babies grow up.'

'It's the getting there that's the hard part.'

'Did you ever want children yourself?'

Jim tore his gaze away, breathing deeply in the hope his senses would start behaving themselves. One by one they returned, and he began to relax at last. He would have told Blair about it - but it wasn't exactly the kind of thing they could talk about these days. He wasn't even sure if Blair was even interested in the sentinel thing any more.

But Blair was waiting for an answer, so he concentrated and nodded. 'Yeah, I did. I guess Caroline and I were thinking along those lines when things started to fall apart between us. We even discussed having a baby as a means of patching it up - but we both realized what a mistake that would have been. To be honest, I think she was happier having an excuse to pursue her career.'

'And what about you?' Blair asked gently. 'I mean, it's not too late for you.'

'Are you kidding? I can't get a woman to fall in love with me let alone have a baby with me. I mean, I couldn't even-' He pulled up, bit his tongue and stifled the words. He'd been about to say that he hadn't been able to make Blair happy, so how could he possibly keep a woman happy long enough to have a family together - even if he ignored how he felt about Blair. 'I would never get a woman pregnant just so I could be a father. That'd be way too selfish, even for me. And don't start in at me about preserving the sentinel genes. Steven's already taking care of that, thanks.'

'Except that your children would have a fifty percent chance of inheriting them, instead of Steven's twenty-five.'

Jim just shook his head and sat up straight, crossing his legs. 'The point's moot, Chief. No wife, no baby. And I don't think even you'd suggest me making a donation at a sperm bank.'

'Hell, no! God, could you imagine it? Dozens of little sentinels appearing all over the country, all grumpy, pissy in the mornings and grinding their teeth down before they're five? No way!' Blair was laughing by the time he finished, and the sound of it was enough to make Jim laugh with him.

'Okay, what about you? There's all those guide genes to be saved - you ever want kids?'

'Sure,' Blair nodded, his gaze moving out towards the sunset. 'Still do. I can't think of a better way to spend your life than bringing up a couple of decent, honestly kind and loving individuals to add to the world's numbers.'

Jim stared, then forced himself to turn away. 'Well, you'd make a good father, that's for sure.'

'Thanks. So would you.'

Jim only nodded. They both wanted children - and yet, if Jim got what he wanted most - Blair - then neither of them would ever get to be parents. Was that the kind of trade-off he wanted to be offering Blair? Especially when Blair had once considered working with a sentinel to be the best way he could spend his life.

Especially when Blair had now regained so much of what he'd lost. It was more than obvious to Jim that whatever had been eating away at his ex-partner was well and truly healed now.

He sighed. How was he supposed to do this? Here they were, so much between them, in the past and yes, in the future as well. But there was this wall of the present, made out of the bricks of fear, the mortar of indecision. If he pushed, Blair would push back, probably push him away - and yet, if he didn't push, Blair would never come home, never be a part of Jim's life again, let alone be his lover.

And Jim did want him back. Permanently. He almost didn't care any more what capacity Blair came back in. He just ... wanted him back.

No, that wasn't a wall of indecision and fear he was facing, but a mountain.

Beside him, he could hear Blair moving to put the remains of their supper back into the basket, and bring out a plate of fruit he'd sliced up. Then he opened up another bottle of wine and reached over to top off Jim's glass. After that, he settled on the blanket, drawing his legs up under him, his wine balanced between his hands.

'So, Jim, you wanted to talk? Go head. What did you want to talk about?'

Taken by surprise, Jim looked at him, mouth open a moment, before he thought to close it. 'You want to talk?'

'Well, no, I don't - but you do. So let's talk.'

'I'm not sure I want to if you don't.'

'Oh, come on, Jim. You said you had things you wanted to say, to sort out. The sun's about to set, I don't have to work, as far as I know, you've got nowhere else to be - so let's do it. Let's get The Talk out of the way so we can stop dancing around it'.

Jim could only stare at him. Everything he'd rehearsed, every question he'd had, every single thing he'd wanted to tell Blair suddenly dried up in the face of this open readiness. But was Blair really ready to talk, or had he simply put aside his own distaste in order to satisfy Jim's need?

And that was the question, wasn't it?

He had wondered, as he'd spent all those hours driving south, whether the Blair he would find would be a man he'd recognize; if after so long away from Blair, the feelings he'd been holding safe to his chest for the better part of a year would in reality, turn out to be either for a man who had died with his dissertation, or for the memory of someone who had never really existed.

But three days here had taught him enough to know that although Blair had changed, Jim still loved him. Jim still wanted him, still needed him. Still needed that friend back in his life, if nothing else.

And not once in that time had he allowed himself to consider that Blair might no longer love him.

Sure, it was obvious Blair was still attracted to him, and still cared about him - but if Jim pushed this now, would Blair be honest with him?

This, of course, was exactly the dilemma Blair had faced before he left Cascade - and the knowledge of that silenced him more surely than anything either of them had said.

'Well?' Blair waved his hand in front of Jim's face. 'You want to talk or not? How about I start? Why don't you tell me about the boyfriend who wasn't?'

Jim abruptly put down his glass, stood up and strode towards the cliff where he stopped in front of the wooden railing. He placed his hands on it, gripping it hard, using it to gather whatever he had to fight with.

'I'm sorry,' Blair said, genuinely contrite from behind his right shoulder. 'I thought that was why you'd come. To tell me about him.'

'Yes... no. Not really. Not about him. Well, yes, maybe, I-' Jim snatched in a breath, but it wasn't easy with Blair standing so close, needing him so much and not being able to reach out. Okay, so maybe he'd be allowed to reach out but that didn't mean he should. 'He was ... an experiment. A mistake, I guess. I had to know if I could ... you know.'

'And you did.'

'Yeah.' Jim sighed again, let his head hang for a moment. Blair was right. They couldn't talk. Not now. Not about everything they'd each gone through over the last year. Maybe in years to come they might be in a position to reflect without dredging up so much hurt, but not now, not yet.

'I forgive you, Jim.'

'For what?' he whispered, unable to turn around, unable to move.

'For whatever it is you blame yourself for. No matter what you might think, you didn't drive me away. It wasn't because you freaked out over being in bed with me, or because I dropped out of the Academy or even because of the diss. It wasn't you, okay? And the things you did do - well, I forgave them a long time ago.' Blair's gentle voice dropped to a murmur. 'It wasn't your fault.'

Jim turned then, seeing Blair's face dusted with the last golden threads of sunlight. The simple beauty in the blue eyes gazing up at him drew his breath away. 'Then why did you leave?'

Blair chose that moment to glance away, then at the ground, before finally, eventually returning to Jim, as though he knew he had to do this face to face. 'Because I had to. Because I didn't have a choice. Because neither of us had a choice - and we'd needed choices. No matter what, I was right to go, and I'm not sorry I did.'

Jim had nothing to say to that. What could he say? Blair was right - he'd had to go when he did. Jim couldn't begin to imagine what would have happened to them if he'd stayed.

But he couldn't watch Blair any more. Couldn't face the fear of what he knew was coming. He turned back to the sunset, barely noticing the sliver of silver across the horizon, the pink clouds above, or the darkening sky.

'What did you mean,' Blair asked after a moment, 'when you said your experiment was a mistake?'

'Nothing,' Jim shook his head. 'It doesn't matter now.' Nothing mattered. He'd played and lost. Devastation swept across him as surely as the breeze, leaving him trembling in its wake.

He wanted to shout, to shake Blair, to yell at him and tell him that there was more to this, to what they'd almost had before, what they might have now - but what was the point? Blair had chosen his path, and Jim simply wasn't a part of it. Not any more.

'Tell me? Please?'

Blair's small voice urged a response out of him, but Jim's tone was cold. 'He was a friend, and I used him to find out if I was really bi, if I could actually do it with a guy. But when it was over, I-'

'Discovered you weren't really bi?'

'No, damnit,' Jim snapped, 'I discovered that I didn't want to be experimenting with anybody but you! Does that make sense now, Darwin?'

Blair came closer, lifting Jim's arm and slipping under it to wrap his arms around Jim's waist. Tentatively, Jim held Blair to him then, allowing himself only to feel the warmth. All hopes of where it might lead had gone now.

But Blair didn't seem to be reading from the same script. He held Jim for a moment, then reached up and curved a hand around Jim's neck, bringing his head down enough for Blair to kiss him. The first touch was light, a gesture of affection, no more, but the next kiss offered more, and Jim, desperate for anything from this man, accepted the touch, opening and welcoming Blair into his heart.

For a moment, he thought that's all it would be - but then something inside him broke, and he pulled Blair to him roughly, holding him tight as his body urged him to find what it needed, plunging his tongue into Blair's mouth, tasting and feeling the heat returned to him. Blair's aggression matched his own, and he gave out a low, almost feral moan that echoed in Jim's head, driving him on. Without thinking, he slipped his hands up under Blair's shirt to feel the warm skin, wanting to touch so much more. In response, Blair pressed himself closer, taking the kiss even deeper.

But then, at almost the same moment, they broke apart, at first, still standing close, breathing heavily, and then a step away, looking at each other. Once more, Jim was unable to read Blair's expression, but what he did see scared him enough to turn away, to make him kneel down beside the picnic things and begin clearing up.

So maybe Blair wanted him a little. It wasn't like he hadn't known that already. But a little attraction wasn't going to be enough to get Blair to come home. And if Jim said anything about how he was in love with this damned man, it would only make Blair feel sorry for him.

He was almost finished packing things away when Blair knelt down opposite him and helped him. Without looking up, Jim spoke, keeping his voice devoid of the passion he'd just felt. 'Anyway, my leave is almost up. I have to make tracks to get back to work.'

'Oh,' Blair murmured, his voice wooden. 'Yeah, of course.'

And that was it. There was no more conversation as they put the things in the truck, climbed in and drove twenty minutes back to the Bar. In silence, Jim parked out back and helped carry the picnic things inside. But as he turned to leave, unable to stay any longer and hold in the pain, Blair stopped him.

'Come and have a drink, Jim. The bar's empty, everybody's gone home. I have a few things to do before tomorrow. Keep me company?'

And because he was in love, and he couldn't hold in the pain, Jim just nodded and followed Blair into the bar.

With expert hands, Blair laid out bacon onto an oven tray ready for the morning's breakfasts. He worked quickly and efficiently, but his mind wasn't anywhere in the kitchen.

He had no more questions. He had more answers than he'd ever really wanted. He'd known this moment would come and he'd been right to be afraid of it.

Jim was leaving. Going back to his life. And Blair would stay here, living his. They'd talked a little, opened up, told the truth, and it had done no good at all. Instead, they were both left feeling raw, hurt and empty. There was nothing left for them now but sadness.

He washed his hands thoroughly, put the bacon back into the fridge and checked around the kitchen before turning out the lights. But when he went back into the bar, he came to a halt.

Jim was perched on a stool, elbows planted on the bar, face buried in his hands, desolation reeking from every line of his body.

Without thinking, Blair walked up to him, but he didn't say anything. He simply reached out and took Jim's hand, tugging a little until Jim looked up. Grey eyes locked onto his and Blair smiled a little. He took a step back, tugging Jim's hand again as he got to his feet. Sure Jim would follow him now, Blair led him towards the stairs. Flicking lights off as he went, he drew Jim up to the apartment.

Inside, he shut the door, turned on a lamp and then faced Jim. Wide eyes were staring at him, wary, hesitant, and yet, so very willing. Blair moved closer, placing his hands on Jim's chest, letting his fingers undo one button after another until he could pull the shirt free, slide it off Jim's shoulders and drop it on the floor. Then he tugged his own shirt off over his head before stepping right into Jim's personal space. Again he placed his hands on Jim's chest and this time, risked looking up into that gaze.

The depth of emotion he saw there almost made him flinch. Blinking rapidly, Blair reached up and cupped Jim's face in his hands, and said the one thing he hadn't said earlier, the one thing he'd needed to say but hadn't dared. 'I love you.'

Jim's eyes widened.

'I never stopped loving you,' Blair whispered close to Jim's lips. 'I never will.'

'Oh, Jesus,' Jim groaned and pulled Blair to him, burying his face against Blair's throat, breathing heavily. 'I thought... I thought you'd ... that you didn't ...'

'I do, Jim, I do.' Blair turned his head and found his mouth taken in a hungry kiss that left them both breathless and shaking. The same reckless joy he'd felt on the beach rose in him then, but his laughter was quickly swallowed by a desire that ran so deep, he could feel it sitting in his belly, waiting to strike. 'Oh, god, Jim, I want you so much.'

'Want you too, Blair. Waited so long,' Jim's mouth left his and trailed moist kisses down Blair's throat. As his hands roamed over Blair's back, Blair slipped a hand in between them, popping open the button on Jim's jeans before reaching in.

'Oh, god,' Jim groaned, pushing into Blair's fingers as they touched his cock. 'Chief, tell me we're going to do it, please.'

'We're going to do it, Jim, I promise. We are definitely gonna do it.' Blair kissed him hard again, using his tongue to seduce the older man, leaving his hands to do the important work of pushing Jim's jeans down over his waist. Jim barely paused in his kisses to toe off his shoes, step out of his jeans and kick them away. But it was Blair who moaned as his hand wrapped around the glory of Jim's cock, the glory of Jim standing naked before him, wanting to make love.

And Jim's hands were everywhere, feeling the muscles of his back, cupping his ass, rubbing against the bulge in his jeans, rising to press an urgent thumb over one of Blair's nipples. Blair shuddered and pulled away, almost too afraid to go any further.

But when he opened his eyes, when he looked at Jim - the fear vanished, leaving nothing but desire in its place.

Jim gave him the most beautifully shy smile before stepping close again, allowing only his fingers to work on Blair's jeans, popping the button, pulling the zipper down, sliding his hands inside over Blair's hips, pushing the jeans and boxers down until it was Blair's turn to toe off his shoes, and kick the last of the barriers away.

And then they were simply standing there, gazing at each other, too caught up in the heat and joy of the moment to feel even a little self-conscious.

Blair smiled, turned to pull the covers back on the bed, then climbed in, shifting back to give Jim room to join him. But Jim didn't move at first. 'What's wrong?'

'Nothing. Just looking. It's only fair.'

'What do you mean?'

'Well,' Jim gave him another of those half-smiles, 'you took a look at me on that oil rig, didn't you?'

Blair's eyes widened and he almost blushed a little. 'You knew?'

Jim climbed onto the bed to lean over him. 'Chief, I'm a sentinel, of course I knew.'

'But why didn't you say anything?'

'Because it took me a long time to remember that's what happened. I caught pheromones in the air at the time, but put it down to that woman and her open gaping.'

Blair sniggered, 'Well, Jim, you're, um, pretty well-endowed down there.'

Jim nodded, pressing soft kisses along Blair's forehead, 'Does it bother you?'

'No, I...'

He got no further opportunity to voice his appreciation as Jim took his mouth again, lapping and sucking on his tongue before sliding his body down to rest on Blair's.

Blair gasped at their first completely naked embrace. Jim left his mouth long enough to gaze into his eyes, his pupils black and velvety with desire. 'God, Chief, I'm not going to last long.'

And almost immediately, Jim's body rebelled at even that delay, thrusting against Blair's a little, making Blair shudder again, his hands smoothing down Jim's back until they could grab that magnificent ass and grind their hips together.

No, he wasn't going to last long, either. Not this time. Not after so many years lusting after this man, of loving him and wanting him right here, in his arms. He tipped his head up, caught Jim's mouth in another searing kiss, and rolled them to their sides, until Jim could roll them further, landing on the other side of the bed with Blair on top.

He took instant advantage of his new position, and ducked his head to kiss, nip and suckle on one of Jim's tits. Jim groaned and threw his head back, one leg locking around Blair's to hold him close, his hips grinding harder.

Blair could hardly breathe now, his skin tingling as though he were about to faint, his fingertips almost throbbing as hard as his dick. But he wanted this to be good, this first time with Jim. Wanted it to be as beautiful as he'd always known it could be. So he brought them both to a halt, silencing Jim's protest with a finger against his lips. Then he reached over to the bedside table and pulled out a tube of lube.

Jim's expression was unreadable as Blair squeezed some onto his hand and tossed the tube aside. Then he lifted himself up and liberally smoothed the lube over both their cocks. He wiped his hand then settled back down very, very slowly, allowing his cock to lightly caress Jim's as it descended, the lube heightening the sensations, the silence heightening the intimacy.

And then he was down again, his whole body stretched the length of Jim's and there was nothing now that could stop him from moving, from thrusting against Jim, from Jim grabbing his ass with both hands and pushing their hips closer together, harder, setting up a rhythm so sweet, so delicious that Blair could only raise himself on his hands, lock his elbows, dig his knees into the bed and thrust back, his glances down to where their cocks rubbed together interrupted only by his glances back up to see Jim's face, his head thrown back again, sweat breaking out across his brow, mouth open as he strove for completion.

But then Jim's eyes opened, sought out Blair's, and his words, surprised, overjoyed, husky and very sexy, brought Blair right to the brink. 'Oh, god, Chief, I'm coming.'

And suddenly, Jim spasmed, clutching Blair's ass to him as hot liquid shot out of him, flooding them both, searing Blair as he held on, wanting to watch Jim in his pleasure, holding on, needing to see it all, but being unable to see the last, as that was too much for him, watching Jim climax and his own blasted through him then, and an uncontrollable groan pushed up out of his belly as his own cock jerked and twisted, spurting semen into the mess Jim had already made, joining their seed together, their bodies together, their sweat and their breaths, bound up together and it was together they collapsed, panting, holding on and just barely surviving.

'Oh, Jesus,' Jim gasped, hands reaching up to pull the tie from Blair's hair, fingers running through it, but as though he could hardly move. Blair, his face pressed against Jim's perfectly sculpted chest, said nothing. He only smiled. He'd known. All along, he'd known it would be like this if they could ever get together. But not even knowing had prepared him for the actual reality.

'You okay?' Jim murmured, his hands gently caressing Blair's back now, lightly dusting down to his ass before coming to rest there. Blair's grin widened. That would definitely be the subject of the second course of this banquet - but it would take a while before either of them would be ready to move, let alone fuck.

'Yeah, I'm good,' he breathed, unwilling to even lift his head.

'Come here.'

'I think I just did.'

Jim laughed and rolled them to their sides, kissing him softly before looking around for something to clean them off.

'In the drawer,' Blair volunteered. 'Wipes.'

Jim pulled the drawer open, but couldn't see what he was doing. His hand fumbled around until he brought forth a handful of two boxes: one the wipes, the other condoms.

Blair took the wipes out of his hand and nodded at the condoms. 'Leave them out.'

Jim's reply was a little late in coming. 'Yeah, okay.' Then he was back with Blair, taking the wipes, cleaning each of them, then gathering Blair once more. Blair closed his eyes, loving the silence, loving the closeness, loving the fact that there was absolutely nothing between them now except a little sweat.

But most of all, loving Jim.

It was Jim's bladder that woke him up, complaining about that last glass of wine. He opened his eyes to find the bedroom still lit with the soft glow of the lamp in the corner, and from moonlight reflecting off the distant ocean.

Blair was draped over him, like a human comforter, his breathing shallow and steady, deep in slumber. Jim had one arm curved around him, but the other was free, and before he got up, he took a moment to carefully brush a little hair away from Blair's face, to feel the warm weight of him solid and real.

He'd had no idea love would feel like this. Nothing he'd ever read, or anything anybody had ever told him even so much as hinted that one day he would find himself in bed, in the arms of a man who meant everything to him, that made him feel like this inside.

And making love with him had been ... He couldn't find a word for it. Wasn't sure one existed. The only thing he was sure of was that he didn't want to lose this. Ever. This here, this feeling, this connection was as much who he was as being a cop or a sentinel. He could only be amazed that it had taken him so long to see it.

His bladder gave another twinge and with a sigh, he began to gently disengage himself from his lover, but Blair's slumber had been lighter than he'd thought.

'Jim? You okay?' There was a frown on Blair's sleepy face, and he hadn't yet opened his eyes.

Jim smiled, slid off the bed and pressed a soft kiss to Blair's temple. 'Gotta visit the john.'

Now Blair's eyes did open, unveiling a thread of fear. 'You coming back?'

It was the fear that stopped Jim in his tracks, made him sit back down and put his hand on Blair's shoulder, rubbing gently. 'You want to tell me what this is about?'

Blair blinked and shifted, pushing hair back over his shoulder. 'You said you had to leave. To get back to work.'

'And you think I'd just go and not say goodbye?'

There was a pause before Blair formed a reply. 'I don't know. Would you?'

Stunned, Jim couldn't say anything for a moment. Then he gathered himself and took a quick breath. 'Look, I really need to pee. I'll be right back, okay?'

'Sure.'

Jim stood, watched him a moment longer, then walked around the bed to the bathroom. He was washing his hands when the door pushed open behind him and Blair walked in, making for the toilet. He said nothing as Jim left him alone and returned to the bed. Jim heard the toilet flush, and the sounds of Blair drinking a glass of water, and then the bathroom door was open again, the light turned off and Blair was climbing back into bed, but making no move to snuggle up against Jim again.

'I'll go if you want me to,' Jim said into the uncomfortable silence.

'I never said I wanted you to, Jim. But you said you had to.'

'Well, that was...' Jim sighed, rolling to his side to look at the man he loved. 'I thought, what you said on the cliff, that you meant you didn't feel anything for me any more. I thought maybe it'd just be best if I left.' Blair's eyes had widened as Jim continued, 'I don't actually need to leave for another two days. After that, if I don't go, Simon's going to break both my arms.'

Blair just stared at him for long, silent seconds, then he shifted closer in the bed, raising himself up on his elbow to look down into Jim's eyes. 'In the morning, go to the hotel and pack up your things. Stay with me here until you have to go.'

Jim felt a smile creasing his face, 'Are you sure?'

'Uh huh. Unless you don't want to.'

'I do. I'll go first thing.'

'Good.' Blair smiled a little then, mostly from his eyes. 'I'll have to work in the morning, but I'm sure I'll be able to get the guys to cover for me. I'll take the rest of the day off and Thursday as well.'

Jim could only nod, his entire attention consumed by the love he could see in Blair's gaze, just as he had more than a year ago, that night sitting on the couch in the loft. It had blown him away then, and did so just as powerfully now. Unable to help himself, he reached out, cupping his hand around Blair cheek, bringing the face close so he could touch a soft kiss to those beautiful lips, so he could wrap his arms around the man and pull him close.

The kiss deepened, as Blair reached around him, rolling him flat on his back, pushing a thigh in between his own. With more hot, wet kisses, and a little friction from that leg, Jim felt himself harden again, felt the solid length of Blair's cock stretching and pushing against his hip.

Grinning, he slid his hands between them, carding his fingers through Blair's chest hair, oddly surprised that he didn't find it more strange than he did. Julian had been as smooth as Jim, so this was the first time Jim had ever touched another man's hairy chest. He liked it. Loved the feel of it pressing against his own, his fingers searching out for signs of the absent nipple ring.

'I'll put it back in if you like,' Blair murmured, his mouth hovering over Jim's throat, as though he were ready to bite.

'Later.'

'Okay.' Blair did bite then, and an arc of pleasure soared through Jim, making him arch off the bed, pressing his groin into Blair's leg. But Blair's tongue was already lapping at the spot, the rough surface turning him on even more. Then Blair slid down him slowly, kissing here and there, nipping a little, shocking Jim with tiny jolts of pleasure and pain neatly mixed together. He was hard as a rock and leaking by the time Blair rose up over him, gaze focused on Jim's erection.

Barely pausing, Blair bowed his head, letting his hair brush over Jim's cock, making Jim hold his breath as the delicate tendrils danced over his overheated flesh. He hissed in a breath, but was still unready for when Blair's mouth finally took him in.

Heat engulfed him, moist and erotic. Blair's tongue laved the underside of his cock, then traced around the flared head before swallowing him again. Unable to help himself, Jim thrust a little, wanting, needing more, but Blair's hands kept his hips still as he slowly tortured Jim, bringing him to the edge twice before finally backing off and paying some serious attention to Jim's balls. Jim was gripping the sheets frantically when Blair finally released him and sat back, his lips wet, a smug grin on his face.

Blair gave a little laugh - though for the life of him, Jim couldn't work out why this was a laughing matter - then slowly and sensuously crawled back up the bed, no part of his body touching Jim's except for his long hair. When he finally reached Jim, he opened his mouth and kissed him, sucking on his tongue just hard enough to make Jim think he might come from the promise alone.

He groaned deep in his throat, hands rising to sink into that beautiful hair. Blair smiled again, then whispered into his ear, 'You wanna fuck me?'

'Oh my god.' Jim shuddered, then grabbed Blair, pulling him down, wrapping his legs around the man so he could roll Blair beneath him. Not pausing, he took Blair's mouth without mercy, grinding their bodies together as though mere heat alone might set them alight. He pushed Blair's legs apart with his own knees, took Blair's hands and held them over his head, so he couldn't torture Jim any more, and, with his voice shaking from his failing efforts to control himself, he whispered, 'Yes, yes, I want to fuck you. Now.'

Blair's eyes were on his, the smile long gone, leaving behind a raw, naked need that spoke directly to Jim's. 'Lube. Condom. Hurry.'

His hand almost fumbling, Jim grabbed the lube first, but lost the lid in his haste. He got enough on his fingers to start with and moved quickly down Blair's body until he was kneeling between legs already opened wide for him.

But the sight of Blair so open to him, made him pause. A sudden wave of tenderness swept over him and without a single hesitation, he grasped Blair's hot hard cock in his hand and took the head into his mouth.

Nothing had ever tasted so amazing as that cock. Nothing so surprising. As though it was the one flavor Jim had always missed without ever knowing it. And Blair's hands were all over his head, lightly touching him, as though he wanted Jim's mouth badly, but couldn't decide what he wanted most right now.

Jim made the decision for both of them. Satisfying himself with a last long lick, he kissed down the balls, lapped at Blair's perineum before pressing his lubed finger against the rosebud entrance to Blair's body.

Blair began to shake again, and Jim could almost hear him murmuring for Jim to hurry, though Blair didn't say a word. The anus opened easily to his touch, encouraging him to use a second finger. He added more lube on the third but even as he plunged his fingers in, he knew he was hurrying this - and wished he didn't need to.

But he did. They were in a hurry. They had more than a year to make up in two days. They had to be together like this - there was no other truth more real at that moment.

Blair was holding out a foil packet to him, already opened. He plucked the condom out and rolled it over himself, his own hands shaking. Then the lube appeared before him, and Blair squeezed the tube enough to supply Jim with what he needed. Barely able to stand the caress of his own hand, Jim prepared himself then knelt between Blair's open legs.

He looked up to find Blair's gaze on him, a small frown there, breath held in anticipation - and Jim didn't keep him waiting. With his hand, he guided himself to the entrance and pushed.

'Oh, god,' Blair breathed, his eyes closing. 'More, Jim. Push again.'

He did, popping through the guardian and into Blair's ass. It was tight - tighter than anyone he'd had before, so he slowed down, too scared of hurting Blair to let his desire to take over yet.

But after a moment, Blair nodded, 'More.'

He pulled out a little, then pushed again, and again until he was balls deep, panting, heart racing, toes tingling, and barely able to think straight.

'You okay?' was all he could manage.

'Yeah. It's good, Jim. Really good. Move, please. Fuck me.'

And he could feel the change in Blair's passage as it grew accustomed to his size. His whole body throbbing with the need to thrust, he withdrew slowly, then pushed in again, withdrew and pushed, fucking Blair slowly enough to reduce the chance of injury.

Blair's hands reached for him, caressing his arms, sliding up to his face until Jim ducked down to kiss him, and it was that touch that set them alight. With a moan, Blair pushed his hips up to meet Jim's and instantly they began moving together, each of Jim's thrusts accompanied by a small grunt, each time he shoved home into Blair's body, Blair rocked back onto the bed, his legs locked around Jim's waist, tiny whimpers issuing from his open mouth. It just felt so incredible to be actually inside Blair's body.

They moved together in a perfect symphony of desire, gaining confidence and speed, their desire emerging between them like an unquenchable flame. The bed rocked against the wall, sweat broke out on Blair's upper lip, every muscle in Jim's body worked to fuck his cock into Blair's ass until it was almost too much. Then Blair wasn't murmuring any more, but speaking, his words urgent and needy, his hand reaching between them to touch himself and the sight only drove Jim harder.

'Oh, god, Jim, yes!' Blair arched at that moment, and his cock jerked between them, giving Jim just enough warning so he could look down and see, so he could take Blair's mouth again in another kiss before the spasms of Blair's body overwhelmed him and his orgasm ripped through him like a tidal wave. Pulse after pulse of hot semen shot into the tight channel gripping him, draining every last drop from him before, utterly drained, he collapsed, gasping for air, heart still pounding, positive he was never going to recover.

For a moment, he thought he'd never move again, but then he heard the harsh breaths of the man lying beneath him, and he raised himself up enough to let Blair breathe - then stifled that as he took another kiss, this one full of passion rather than desire. He kept it short, but took another, and then another, until the words themselves said the thing he was really trying to say.

'God, Chief, I love you so much.'

He felt Blair stiffen a moment, before arms wrapped around him so tight he was almost crushed. And though Jim didn't say a word, he could feel the moisture on Blair's face as tears fell between them. And what could he say, really, when some of them belonged to him.

End Part Six
To be continued in Without Fear Part 7

End Without Fear 6 by Scala: [email protected]

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