Archive of Our Own ^beta

This story was first published in Whispers of the Heart VIII by Angel Wings Press. As always, thanks to my beta gals for their help on this story.

Captain Simon Banks was annoyed when he strode into the South entrance of the Emergency Room at Cascade Memorial just minutes after receiving a cryptic phone call from hospital security demanding his presence immediately. He glanced around quickly, locating Blair Sandburg sitting across the room, slumped in one of the hard, plastic chairs. Simon's throat tightened and his annoyance quickly vanished, replaced immediately by apprehension. Something had happened to Ellison.

"Sandburg!"

Blair looked up, meeting Simon's eyes, and started to rise, but the uniformed security officer hovering next to Blair pushed him back into the chair. Simon's quick perusal of his detective noted a bruise on one cheek and blood crusting his upper lip. He was surprised to see that Blair's arms were pulled behind his back, and that he was in handcuffs.

"Captain Banks? I'm Jonathan Harper, Head of Security. I'm the one who called you. This man is being held pending arrest for assault. He attacked a physician and struck a security guard. He also interfered with the care of a patient."

Simon glared at Blair, ready to launch into a diatribe about conduct and decorum for a police officer when his eyes met Blair's, and his words caught in his throat. Blair remained silent, but his face reflected his fear and distress.

"Harper, Sandburg is a detective in my division. I'll take full responsibility for him."

"Sorry, Captain, no disrespect intended, but it's my job to see that he's arrested. He's a dangerous man, and he's going to be prosecuted."

Simon once again looked at Blair, who sat very still, his head now bent. He wasn't sure if he wanted to reach out and shake some sense into Sandburg, or reach out to comfort him. No one was closer than Jim and Blair, and Simon knew what Blair was in pain right now, aching to find Jim and be near him.

"Harper, I promise you that I will make sure Sandburg is disciplined for his actions. The injured man is his partner. If he over-reacted, it was because of his distress over Ellison." Simon raised his hand as Harper started to protest. "I realize that that is no excuse for his behavior by any means. You have my word that if the parties involved wish to file charges, I'll order an investigation."

Harper considered for a few seconds. "Okay, Captain. Your word is good enough for me. I know you'll do the right thing."

"Thank you, Mr. Harper. I appreciate your cooperation. Sandburg, stand up and let him get those cuffs off you." Once they were removed, Blair rubbed his chaffed wrists absentmindedly. Simon clamped a hand on Blair's shoulder to forestall any idea that he may have to bolt and find Jim Ellison.

Simon waited until the security officer had left their vicinity before he turned his full attention to Blair. "Detective, what the hell happened?"

Blair grabbed Simon's jacket lapel and tugged. "Simon, you've got to find Jim. He needs me. They're going to kill him. Please, Simon."

Simon clamped his hands on Blair's arms. "Sit down and tell me what's going on now, and make it the short version."

Blair sat and ran his hands through his hair. He sighed and covered his face with his hands, while his shoulders trembled slightly. Blair breathed in and out heavily several times, determined to get himself under control. Simon would not appreciate an emotional outburst. Only a reasonably calm and coherent story would help Blair get to Jim now.

Blair sat up straight and cleared his throat. "Jim and I stopped on our way home to help with a minor traffic accident. The light was malfunctioning, and traffic was backed up. Jim had been directing traffic when a motorist gawking at the accident hit him." Blair stopped and struggled to regain his composure.

"Traffic was a mess, and horns were blaring. Jim never saw the guy coming. Anyway, he was knocked unconscious. When the ER doctors started working on him, I tried to explain to them that Jim was sensitive to all kinds of drugs, and that I had Power of Attorney for Jim's medical condition. The doctor told me that he was in charge, and he would do what he thought was best; that if I didn't get out of the way, Jim could die because I wasn't letting them take care of him as the doctor saw fit.

"I wasn't trying to interfere with what they were doing, just trying to make them understand about how Jim reacts to drugs and pain. Well, that's when things got really bad. Jim came to, and he just started screaming in pain. The doctor told the nurse to give Jim a shot of something, but it didn't have any effect on him. Then he told her to give him something else. I knew that Jim was in too much pain for the sedatives to help him, and I knew that the drugs would send his senses haywire. All I was trying to do was to get close to him to try and calm him down a bit. You know how sometimes only the sound of my voice will pacify Jim."

"Sandburg, this isn't the short version."

"Okay. Okay. The doctor pushed me out of the way, and I fell back. I grabbed on to his arm instinctively. I honestly didn't mean to pull him over, but we both fell. He yelled for security. Jim was still screaming, and the doctor made the nurses restrain him. Then the two security guards came in, and I was trying to get up. One of them grabbed me. My elbow accidentally hit the other one in the stomach. The first guy thought I had hit him on purpose so he hit me in the face. Then they dragged me out here, and put the cuffs on me."

Simon glared, and shook his head in exasperation. "Damn it, Sandburg, this is some mess you've gotten yourself into. You stay put. You hear me? I'm going to go and find out about Jim."

When Blair didn't respond, Simon growled. "Detective, did you hear me?"

"Okay. Okay. I'll stay right here. But, Simon, please hurry. I feel really funny right now. Something's weird, out of sync. I have to see Jim."

Simon's voice softened just a bit. "Blair, after all this time, don't you think I understand about this Sentinel thing? I'll be back as soon as I can."

Blair nodded, sat back, and closed his eyes as he rubbed at the dried blood on his face. He had the greatest urge to throw chairs against the wall. 'Not a good idea, Sandburg,' he thought and he sighed deeply.

Blair focused his mind on Jim, touching that small place that connected him to his Sentinel... to his partner... to his lover. It was just a "tickle", a level of awareness telling them that they were linked through invisible Sentinel/Guide bonds. But that tenuous strand seemed to have unraveled a bit in the last few hours, and Blair had a hard time making the connection. His throat closed up, and he decided now was a good time for a few prayers.

Simon Banks approached the ER nurses' station. "Excuse me, I'm Captain Banks, and one of my officers was brought in, Detective James Ellison."

The middle-aged nurse manning the desk consulted the large white board hanging at her right. "Ellison. Room 8. He's still being evaluated at this time. Go down this hall and turn left. It's the third door on the left. His doctor is Evans. He should be able to give you the details."

"Thank you."

Simon worked his way to Room 8, and pushed the door open. He stopped, taking a deep breath as he scanned his friend from between the moving figures of doctors and nurses. "Damn it," Simon grumbled under his breath. Jim was strapped down; his eyes were open and unfocused. He was totally zoned.

Simon approached the foot of the treatment table, careful not to impede the doctors and nurses hovering around the table. After Sandburg's outburst, Simon wanted as much information as possible. He was determined to be patronizing and pleasant, anything to get the information Blair needed. Simon noted Dr. Evans' nametag. "Dr. Evans, I'm Simon Banks, Captain of Major Crime. This man is one of my people. What can you tell me about his condition?"

Evans glanced up quickly and Simon gave him his most ingratiating smile. Evans nodded to Simon. "From what I understand of the accident, Mr. Ellison is a very lucky man. Besides numerous abrasions and contusions, he's suffered three cracked ribs and two fractured fingers on his right hand. His most serious injury, however, is a severe concussion. We're monitoring him right now for any brain swelling. He's had one CT scan. Another is scheduled in a few hours. He is in stable condition at this time, but we are unable to ascertain the reason why he is unresponsive. He appears to be in a coma, but his vitals do not support that condition. Further neurological testing is called for. We're moving him from the ER in just a few minutes. If you'll wait outside, the desk nurse will let you know when we have him settled, and what room he is in."

Simon nodded. "Thank you, Doctor. I appreciate your cooperation." As Simon walked from the room, he glanced back at his friend. He hoped Sandburg had some of his Guide magic to weave. Jim looked like he was going to need it.

Blair was leaning against the wall when Simon came around the corner and plowed right into him. "Sandburg!" Simon yelped, as he shook his head in exasperation. "Don't you know what stay put means? Jim should have taught you some simple commands by now."

Agitated, Blair asked, "Where's Jim? How is he? Can I see him? What's wrong? I can feel it, Simon. I need to see him."

Simon grabbed Blair's arm. "Blair, you just calm down. I've seen Jim. You're right, something's wrong. He's zoned out totally. The doctor thinks it's a neurological trauma because he is unresponsive. He has a severe concussion, three cracked ribs and two broken fingers."

"My God! Simon, please. I have to see him." Blair's face drained of color. Simon put his hands on Blair's shoulders and pushed him against the wall.

"Come on, Sandburg, Jim needs you. You can't afford to fall apart. You and I know he's zoned, and he needs you to help him. They're moving him to a room, and then you will see him."

"I don't think that doctor will let me get within a hundred feet of Jim. But I'll sneak in if I have to. Simon, I have to be with him," Blair said adamantly.

"Sandburg, you aren't sneaking anywhere. I'll make sure you have full access to Jim. The hospital administrator is an old fishing buddy of mine. I'll take care of it. After all, I'm the captain."

Blair's blue eyes met Simon's warm brown ones. He nodded. "And that's why you're the captain. You always take care of us. Thanks, Simon."

Simon waved off Blair's gratitude. "I'm the boss, Blair, but I'm also your friend, and Jim's. You know that. I want him to be well as much as you do. I'm going to make those arrangements right now. Jim needs you as much as you need him. Correction. Jim needs you more than you need him."

Blair managed a small smile. "Simon, I don't know about that, but I know we need each other."

After an eternal two-hour wait, Blair was finally allowed entrance to Jim's room. He held his breath as he approached Jim's side. Simon patted Blair's shoulder a bit clumsily and left quietly. Blair sat on the side of the bed and ran his fingers along the side Jim's face. He couldn't remember ever seeing Jim so far under before.

Blair's inspection of the monitors showed Jim's heart rate and respiration as stable. He glanced quickly around the room. Blair's first inclination was to lie down beside him. He would have tried to connect to Jim through their bodies' touching, but with the glass windows along the wall between the hallway and the room, that would be impossible. Blair settled for sliding as close to him as he possibly could, pressing his leg against Jim's side through the sheet. Blair ran his hands across his hair, face and neck. He caressed his arm and shoulder. He pressed his hand against Jim's chest, feeling the heart beating under his palm.

Blair spoke constantly. "Jim, it's Blair. I'm here. I'm with you. Please wake up. I love you so much. I need you. Please, Jim, don't leave me alone here."

Blair lost track of time. Several nurses came and went checking on their patient. He stopped talking while they were in the room, and continued as soon as they left. After several hours, his throat was dry, but he never thought to move, even to find a glass of water. Blair Sandburg had more tenacity than most people gave him credit for. Jim always came first with him.

Blair heard the door of Jim's room swoosh open. He did not turn around to acknowledge the presence of Dr Evans, but Blair knew instinctively that the man was standing behind him, observing his actions. Evans cleared his throat. Blair slid from the bed and moved to stand at the foot, out of the doctor's way. Blair wanted to send a message that he intended to stay out of the doctor's path, but that he was not, under any circumstances, leaving Jim's side.

The doctor ignored Blair as he examined Jim. A technician entered along with the doctor, and they spoke briefly. Blair listened while they arranged for Jim to be taken for his second set of tests. He wanted to yell at them to leave Jim alone, that only he could help him. But he couldn't risk another episode like the one in the ER. He stood quietly with his fingernails digging into the palms of his hands when the technician wheeled Jim from the room. The doctor followed, still not acknowledging Blair's presence, but at least they had an uneasy truce.

Only after they had left did Blair finally take a breath and looked at his hands. He had managed to dig his nails into his palms, and the blood was welling into the small Cs he had made. He wiped his hands on his jeans, not caring about the dark splotches. He now took the time to visit the men's room and find a water fountain, where he drank deeply. He retrieved a cup of coffee from a vending machine before making his way back to Jim's room to wait.

Blair gratefully sank into the soft recliner sitting in the corner. He drained the last of the coffee and set the paper cup on the floor beside the chair. He needed to calm his inner spirit, so he crossed his legs, put his hands on his knees, and began to meditate. Exhaustion overtook him, his head fell back, and he slid into sleep after just a few minutes of quiet meditation.

Blair started when he woke a short while later. Jim had been wheeled back into the room. He derided himself for falling into such a deep sleep. He launched himself from the chair and once again climbed onto the bed beside Jim. Jim's condition was unchanged. Blair would have read his chart, but since it was at the nurse's station, there was no way he would have had access to it.

While Blair would have liked to know what kinds of drugs they had given Jim, after reflection, he decided that he would have no knowledge of how to counteract any specific drug. Blair knew that when Jim first awoke, he was in pain and disoriented. When the drugs were administered, they further aggravated his already damaged senses. Jim then retreated into himself as a protective instinct as his senses overloaded. It was Blair's job to convince Jim it was safe to surface.

"Sandburg?" Simon called softly, interrupting Blair's determined efforts to reach his lover.

Blair waved at his Captain. "Oh, yeah, Simon. Come on in."

"How is he doing?"

"About the same. I've tried to reach him for hours, but nothing. I don't know what else to do, so I'll keep trying." Blair said tiredly.

As Simon placed a white plastic bag on the table beside the bed, he said, "Here, I brought you some food and a couple bottles of water."

"Thank, Captain. I appreciate it."

"Do you want me to sit with him while you get some sleep?"

"No, not right now. I dozed off for a while not that long ago while they ran more tests."

"Yeah, I know about the tests. I ran into the physician on call in the hall and he filled me in. The results were inconclusive."

"Oh. Well, thanks for telling me. No one is talking to me, but at least they haven't tried to make me leave."

"Sandburg, no one will make you leave. Just remain calm and unobtrusive, and no one will bother you."

Blair nodded. "Sure, okay. I can do unobtrusive."

Simon gave his detective a small smile, patting his back. "You call me if there's any change."

"Yeah, I'll call."

"I'll be back later today. Blair, he'll be all right."

"I sure hope so, Simon. Bye."

Blair knew now that he had about an hour between rounds. He glanced out through the glass partition towards the nurses' station. Everyone seemed to be busy with his or her respective duties. Blair reached down and pulled his shoes off. He shrugged off his jacket and stretched out next to Jim, resting a hand on his chest. Jim's senses were usually comforted when Blair was close. With the steady beat of Jim's heart under his palm, Blair softly talked to him until he finally drifted off to sleep.

Blair woke the second he felt the movement in Jim's body. He sat up quickly and watched Jim intently. Yes! Blair encouraged his lover with his quiet voice, when Jim's eyelids fluttered several times, and then closed. Blair laid his hands on either side of Jim's face.

"Jim, please open your eyes and talk to me. Come on, Jim, you can do it. Please, for me. Please wake up for me. I love you, man. I need to hear your voice."

Jim's eyes blinked several times as he tried to focus. He could see the outline of someone sitting next to him, and he could feel the warm hands on his cheeks. He followed the peaceful voice down the long dark hallway towards the light. He groaned softly and closed his eyes. Jim tried to lift his hand to rub his aching head, but he didn't have the strength to raise it more than a few inches.

Jim felt someone hold his hand, and something soft touched his fingers. He wrapped his fingers around the hand, holding onto it like an anchor. He opened his eyes once again, but the light in the room suddenly blinded him. He gasped, and screwed his eyes closed tightly.

Blair jumped up and hit the switch to turn off the small light and closed the blinds, plunging the room into darkness. He reached out and touched Jim's arm. "Jim, you can open..." Blair stopped abruptly when Jim shuddered and turned his head from the sound of Blair's voice while his entire body seemed to shrink away from Blair's touch. Jim's senses were wide open. Every sound, every touch, every sight sent a spasm of pain through him.

Blair spoke Sentinel soft. "Jim, listen to me. Focus. Dial it down, way down. Turn it all off."

Jim's responded with a low moan as he clenched his teeth. He swallowed and struggled to speak. "Wh...what dial?"

As Blair dropped his head closer to hear Jim's whisper, several loose strands of hair brushed Jim's face. Blair heard Jim's sharp intake of breath. Even Blair's hair touching Jim's skin hurt him.

"Come on, Jim. Dial it down."

Jim cleared his throat, and opened his eyes. "Dial? Don't understand."

"What don't you understand, Jim? You don't know how to dial?"

"Yes."

"Okay. Listen to me. Picture a dial, like on a radio or TV, with numbers all around it in red letters. One is the lowest setting. Ten is the highest. Concentrate on your hearing. Dial the intensity down to one. Can you do that, Jim?"

"I'll try." Jim closed his eyes. After a long pause, he opened them, meeting Blair's concerned gaze.

"Jim, can you hear me?"

"Yes."

"Good. Good job. Now I want you to do it with each of your other senses. Sight. Touch. Taste. Smell. Dial each one way down. Take all the time you need. I'll be right here."

Jim nodded slightly, and then winced at the movement. He sighed and lay quietly for many minutes. Blair stood back, afraid to move and break Jim's concentration.

Finally, Jim opened his eyes, and looked at Blair. "I think it's much better now."

Blair took a step closer and tentatively touched Jim's arm. "Oh, man, that's great."

"You don't have to whisper any more. My head is still throbbing, but the pain is bearable."

Blair smiled at his lover. "Jim, you scared the hell out of me."

"Sorry."

"Do you remember what happened?"

"No."

"What do you remember?"

Jim was silent. Thoughts and feelings tumbled across his mind, not making any sense. He felt dizzy as the scenes raced by incoherently.

"Jim?"

"Nothing," he finally answered softly.

"What nothing? Nothing about the accident?"

"No."

Blair ran his hands through his hair. "Jim, come on, man. You're freaking me out here. Nothing, as in nothing at all?"

Jim closed his eyes and whispered, "Yes."

"Jim, you mean even your own name is strange to you?"

Jim nodded. He peeked at Blair through half-closed lids. "Jim." He rolled it on his tongue. "Jim. Jim what?"

"Oh, my God!" Blair blurted out. "It's Jim, James Ellison. This is not good."

Before Blair had time to explore this unsettling revelation, a gruff voice interrupted their conversation. "What is going on? Why didn't you call me? How long as he been awake?" Dr. Evans stood at the doorway. "And why are the lights out?"

Blair breathed in and out quickly, steeling himself. The man grated Blair's nerves. "The lights are out because they hurt Jim's eyes. He's been awake for about ten or fifteen minutes. I was calming him down which is why I didn't think to call you. He was very agitated when he woke up. My first concern was his well-being."

The doctor barely acknowledged Blair's explanations, but instead he quickly went to Jim's side and started an examination.

"No, please don't," Jim gasped as he tried to pull away.

"Mr. Ellison, I have to examine you. I'm the one who took care of you in the ER, and I'm your attending physician. I won't hurt you."

Blair laid a hand on Jim's arm. "Jim, it's okay. Just relax. Let the doctor examine you. I'll be right here." Without knowing why, Blair's persuasive voice touched Jim's brain. He looked at his Guide with unsettled blue eyes. Blair smiled and nodded at Jim until he relaxed slightly. "Go ahead, Dr. Evans."

After his examination, the doctor stood at the foot of the bed, relaying the information to Blair without actually acknowledging the fact that he was speaking to him. "His condition is much improved. He is responding normally to all sensory tests. His vitals are stable. Of course, the concussion was serious, and along with cracked ribs and fractured fingers, Mr. Ellison has a bit of a recovery ahead of him, but I see no reason why he can't be discharged in, say, 36 to 48 hours if he suffers no setbacks."

"Thank you, Doctor. I'll be staying right here until Jim's discharged."

With a quick nod, Evans departed.

"Jim, are you hungry or thirsty?"

"Thirsty, but not hungry. My head hurts too much to eat."

Blair poured Jim a glass of water, and helped him drink. Then he slid onto the side of the bed, careful not to touch him. He was very apprehensive about what Jim had revealed. Blair needed to explore Jim's admission further, but he was concerned about fatiguing him.

"Are you sleepy?" Blair inquired.

"Yes." Jim's voice wavered. "Why can't I remember anything? I don't like this at all. Is it possible for someone to forget his own name? I feel really confused."

"Why don't you sleep, and we'll talk about it after you're more rested? Things will look better when you feel better."

Jim saw the concern and worry on his companion's face. He wanted to ask Blair his name, but he was too embarrassed. He could tell from Blair's reactions to him and his actions around him, that he and Blair must be close. Jim was scared. His head hurt, and his chest, as well as his hand, were starting to throb. He closed his eyes and retreated into sleep, hoping that when he woke, things would be clearer. Just as sleep overtook him, a whisper brushed across his muddled mind.

"My name is Blair."

As Blair watched over Jim while he slept, he contemplated asking the doctor for a light painkiller to take the edge from Jim's discomfort. His sensory control was weak, at best. Jim's comfort was more important than Blair's need to protect him so he went in search of Dr. Evans. He would be calm and explain about Jim's allergies. Hopefully, Dr. Evans would be amenable to Blair's overtures.

Blair found the doctor making his rounds, and stood quietly in the hall until he caught the doctor's attention. When Dr. Evans saw Blair, he stiffened. Blair met the doctor's eyes. "Please, Doctor. I want to apologize for my behavior in the ER. I will not cause you any trouble. You have my word on that. I only want what's best for Jim."

"You are not a doctor," Evans informed him testily. Blair refused to be baited into an argument. He listened quietly while the doctor spoke. "You have no right to tell me how to care for a patient. You do not know what is the best treatment for Mr. Ellison."

Blair stood his ground, but his voice was calm as he spoke. "Jim and I have been partners for six years. Jim has a special medical condition that causes him to be extremely sensitive to most medications. His reaction to drugs is sporadic. Sometimes they are ineffective; other times he reacts as if he's been overdosed, even from a small amount. Tests have been inconclusive as to the causes of these reactions.

"My only concern is for Jim's safety. I'm asking that you be very careful when administering anything to him. The prior tests have shown that drugs affect Jim's senses. That is why he appeared to be in a coma. Only after the drug you administered started to wear off was he able to come out of the coma. This type of thing has happened before. Please, doctor, Jim needs your help, and so do I."

Dr. Evans considered Blair's statement carefully. He was not a vindictive man, and he did want what was best for all his patients. "Okay, Mr. Sandburg. I'm willing to call a truce between us. But I expect your cooperation."

"All I ask is that you explain to me what you're doing and why, and that you listen to my reasons why any treatments might be positive or negative. I know how Jim will react most of the time. Can we do this?"

"Yes, I'm willing to be cooperative, if you are."

"Thank you. It will be better for Jim. Now, I know he's in a lot of pain, and that the pain is going to get worse before it gets better. If you can administer something that will help him be more comfortable, I would appreciate it. Whatever you used in the ER was not the right thing." Blair hoped that a proper medication would take the edge off Jim's pain, then he could work with him to better control his senses.

"I'll order the nurse to administer a light sedative that I often use for children that works very well. We also use it for patients who have allergic reactions to anesthetics and painkillers. If he reacts favorably, then we can give him a dose every four hours to control his discomfort."

Blair was sincere as he offered his hand to the doctor. "Thank you. I appreciate your help, and I am sorry about my behavior in the ER."

The doctor took Blair's hand. "I accept your apology."

Simon Banks entered the hospital room and looked at the two sleeping partners. Blair was a mess. Simon wondered if he could talk him into going home for a few hours to change and eat. Simon had received a full report from the doctor so he was aware that Jim had awakened, and that the doctor was able to find a medication that helped Jim's pain. He was relieved that Jim was reacting favorably to treatment.

Simon shook Blair's shoulder. "Come on, Sandburg. Time to go home for a while."

Blair rubbed his eyes and stretched. "Hey, Simon. What?"

"I said it's time to go home and change, and have a decent meal."

"Can't do that, Captain. Jim needs me." Blair yawned.

"Blair, he's sound asleep. I'll stay with him for a while and you go home. That's an order. Here, take my car."

Blair looked at his captain with wide, surprised eyes. "Take your car? Oh, man, you must really want me out of here. Do I smell that bad?"

"Now that you mention it, yes." Simon grinned.

Blair stood close to Simon. "Jim can't remember anything, Simon. I haven't said anything to the doctor. I hope it's only temporary, but he couldn't even remember his name."

"Geez, Blair, that's awful. What are you going to do? What can I do to help? Do you need me to find a specialist? I'll do whatever you need me to do, Sandburg."

"Thanks, Captain. No, no specialist. I'm going to take him home and hope his memory returns once he is in familiar surroundings. It's really scary. I don't like it one bit."

"I don't blame you there. What about his senses?"

"It was bad when he first woke up. He was all disoriented, and he didn't understand how to dial it down. I managed to talk him through it, and then I asked the doctor to give him a sedative. He has almost no control. I could see how badly he felt. Luckily, the doctor and I worked an amicable agreement, and the drug that he administered worked."

Simon nodded at his detective. "Good man. I'm very pleased that you worked out your differences with the doctor. You should know that the hospital has decided not to file charges against you."

Blair was relieved. "Great. I feel a lot better about that now. I don't want to embarrass the department."

"I know you don't, Sandburg. I wouldn't want you on my team if I thought you were that kind of person. You've always conducted yourself in a professional manner."

Blair gave Simon a small smile. "Thanks, Captain."

Simon pointed to the door. "Go home. You need that shower."

"Two hours, Captain. I'll be back, but only if you'll stay with him for two hours."

"Sandburg, I already said I'd stay with him." Simon spun Blair on his heels and pushed him towards the door.

Blair was back at the hospital in record time, feeling more human. Simon had hoped that he would have fallen asleep at home, but Blair was having none of that. His place was with Jim, and the subject was not up for discussion. Simon understood. It was useless to argue with him when Jim's health and safety were concerned. Rather, he promised Blair he would be back later in the day to give him another break.

Blair brought a book with him and tried to sit and read, but he was too keyed up worrying about Jim to concentrate. His brain was in overdrive, trying to decide how to help Jim remember his life, their life together. He would not let himself even contemplate the idea that Jim would not remember. He had to remember. Blair's life, his spirit, his soul, depended on his life with Jim Ellison, the one person he loved more than he had ever thought possible to love anyone.

When Jim awoke, Blair was at his side instantly. "Hey, Jim. How are you feeling?"

Jim woke feeling confused and anxious. His first instinct was to shut down and pull away mentally and physically from everything. But a gentle touch on his shoulder calmed him, and without understanding why, Jim felt comforted by Blair's presence. A ghost of a smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. "Hi. I'm feeling a bit light-headed, but other than that, the pain is just a dull ache. I'm much better now than before."

"Good. That's good, Jim. The doctor's been giving you small doses of a painkiller. It's working very well, thank heavens."

Jim looked at Blair thoughtfully. "Why are you so worried about whether or not it's working?"

"You have had bad reactions to drugs many times. You are sensitive to lots of things. Jim, you don't have to feel embarrassed if you can't remember. I'm here for you. I want to help you, and?" Blair stopped, his fingers twisting the button on his shirt a bit nervously.

Jim could feel it between them, the unspoken words. I love you. He didn't understand why, but with Blair he felt safe and protected and loved. Jim covered Blair's hand with his.

"Thank you. You make me feel better. I'm glad you're here." Jim's voice dropped. "I'm feeling a bit lost."

Blair gave him a quick smile and nodded sympathetically, his long hair bouncing. Jim tentatively reached out a hand and his fingers fondled a flyaway strand. "It will be all right. I'll always be here for you, Jim."

"We're more than friends, aren't we, Blair?" Jim asked quietly.

Jim used his name. So he had heard Blair's whisper. Blair ran his hand lightly up and down Jim's arm, not answering right away. Their eyes met. "I don't know, Jim, I think you should remember our personal life on your own. I don't want to make you feel things you aren't ready to feel or to pressure you. I want you to want what we had, what we have, on your own. I'll be happy to answer any questions you have about who you are and what you do, things like that, but regarding our relationship, I think you should remember without my influence."

"I don't like not remembering at all. I realize that your perspective is different than mine but I need you to help me." Jim sighed. "But I just feel so stupid, not remembering. Something is missing. Everything is missing."

"Don't be so hard on yourself. I have a theory that once the drugs are out of your system and after you've rested and recovered, things will start to come back. I know they will. Your senses react badly to stress and injury. I'm sure with the proper care, you'll be back to normal in no time."

Jim's blue eyes reflected his pain and Blair swallowed to clear the lump in his throat. Jim spoke softly. "You seem pretty sure of yourself. Sure that my memory will return."

"Jim, it will, I just know it." It has to, Blair added silently.

"My senses. Are my senses different from what is considered normal? I remember when I woke up that everything was out of sync. Your voice was loud. The lights hurt my eyes. Your hand on my arm was painful. Something was definitely wrong with my senses."

"Jim, you have heightened senses. All five of your senses are hyperactive. You're a Sentinel. You guard the city and its people, and you're a police officer. You were hurt during a traffic accident. Anything sound familiar?"

Jim sighed tiredly. "No, but it's not unfamiliar either, more like it's turned off right now. Like the television or a computer. Even when it's off, the programs are still running. I feel like the programs are still running, but I just can't see them right now."

"Your senses are very susceptible to your surroundings. I need you to concentrate and keep them under control. Use the dials that we talked about. You have the ability to control the pain and to set your comfort level."

Jim studied Blair. "Okay." He sounded unsure. "And just what else can I control?"

"Your hearing, sight, taste; all of your senses. You can set the level of intensity at will."

"Just like that?"

"Yes, Jim, just like that, at least most of the time. Every once in a while something will send them out of whack, a mental or physical trauma. Of course, getting hit by the car is definitely a physical trauma and when they gave you drugs in the ER, that sent your senses through the roof, so to speak."

"And you help me, don't you?"

Blair smiled. "Hey, man, I try."

The door swung open and an orderly brought in a tray. The young black man smiled at the men and put the tray in Blair's outstretched hand.

"The doctor sent in a light meal."

"Thanks."

Blair pulled the table within easy reach. "Here you go. Try and eat something. It will make you feel better."

Jim reached for the juice. "I'm still not hungry, but I'm thirsty as hell."

"It's the drugs. They make you thirsty. I'll get you more juice if you want."

"That would be great. Apple juice, please." Jim smiled at Blair who smiled back. Even Jim without his memory was still much better than Jim in a zone or Jim lying on the highway, unconscious.

Blair headed out the door. "Apple juice it is. I'll be back in a second."

When Blair came back with six cartons of apple juice, Simon Banks was just arriving.

Blair smiled. "Hey, Captain."

"Detective. So, how's Jim?"

"Well, he is doing better physically, but he's still confused. You know Jim, he doesn't say much, but I can tell he's scared. I can feel him watching me, studying every move, trying to put things back into place. It hurts me to see him suffer." Blair shrugged. "I guess I can only do the best that I can to help him. Come on in." Blair pushed the door open with his foot. "Hey, Jim. This is Captain Simon Banks."

Jim's expression revealed no recognition as he looked at the tall black man. "Captain Banks?"

"Right, Simon Banks, our boss."

"Hello, Jim. You certainly look much better than you did twelve hours ago."

"Yeah, he looks pretty good to me, that's for sure." Blair smile widened. "Apple juice." Blair held up the cartons.

"Thanks, Blair."

"You're welcome."

Jim glanced at the Captain. "How long have I been on the force?"

"Too long." Simon chuckled. "More than ten years already."

Jim nodded. "Yeah, that feels about right. It seems to be that before that, I was in the military."

"Good, Jim, you're remembering. Sandburg's right. With rest and recuperation, I think your memory will return."

"Is he always right?" Jim asked.

Simon laughed. "He likes to think so."

"Jim, you'd better get some rest." Blair fussed with the sheets.

"Captain, is Blair always like this, like a mother hen?"

"I'm afraid so. He seems to feel it's his destiny to take care of you."

"Really? I need taking care of?" Jim asked.

"Ellison, you are one high maintenance guy. Take it from one who knows." Simon chuckled. He was relieved to find both his detectives faring much better than yesterday.

"Sandburg, what does the doctor say about our trouble-making friend here?"

"Dr. Evans was in about an hour ago and he says that Jim can be released in 36 hours or so as long as things steadily improve."

"That is good news, Sandburg. You going to be able to handle him?"

Blair was in a grinning mood. "I'm sure going to try, Captain."

Simon took a peek at his wristwatch. "Got to go. Meeting with his honor, the Mayor. Later, gentlemen."

"Bye, Captain."

"See you later, Simon."

After Simon had left, Blair looked at his partner intently. "Jim, you didn't remember Simon, did you?"

"No, not really. But I wish I could explain it to you. It's not totally unfamiliar, just? weird. I feel like I do know him, but I can't remember knowing him. That doesn't make sense, does it?"

"If that's what you're feeling, Jim, it's okay. I need you to tell me exactly how you're feeling and how your senses are reacting if I'm going to help you. Simon's our friend. He'll help us any way he can. And he understands about your senses and all."

Jim observed Blair quietly for several minutes as Blair stacked the juice cartons. "You didn't tell the doctor, did you? About the senses and about my memory lapse."

"No. I only told him what was necessary. He can't help you with the memory and it's difficult to explain about your senses. Most people wouldn't believe it anyway." Blair shrugged. "After six years, I'm used to handling your senses myself."

"Six years?"

"Yeah. We've been partners for six years."

"Partners? Oh, on the police force."

"Yes, Jim, cops. You and me. Partners."

"Why do I get the feeling that you're flirting with the truth here, Chief?" Blair held his breath for a split second. Chief! Blair hadn't told him that he sometimes called him by the nickname. "Tell me how long we've been partners and you know I don't mean as cops."

"Jim, I feel uncomfortable telling you that stuff. You need to figure out for yourself, in case you might not want?" Even the thought that Jim might not want him any longer was too painful to contemplate.

"Blair, look at me." Jim's clear blue eyes met Blair's sky blue ones. "I don't know all the details, but I know how I feel. And I feel like you're special to me. I know you are. The details aren't important."

Blair wanted to throw his arms around Jim and hug him. He settled for resting his hand on Jim's arm. "You're important to me too, Jim. Now get some sleep. I don't want anything to hinder that doctor's releasing you tomorrow."

"Sure, Blair, whatever you say."

Blair unlocked the door to the loft and pushed it open, stepping back for Jim to enter first. "Go ahead, man, it's your place."

Jim stopped and smiled at Blair. "It's my place?"

Blair looked at his shoes. "Well, I know it's part mine, but only because you signed over half to me, but it's really yours, actually."

"Chief, if I signed half over to you, there must have been a darned good reason. Either that, or I was drunk and you took advantage of me."

"Wow, Jim, you figured that out really fast. And I thought you couldn't remember anything."

Jim chuckled as he stepped in and looked around. Blair crossed the kitchen to lean on the counter while he watched Jim's track through the apartment. Jim walked around, looking, searching. He opened the door to Blair's old room, poked his head into the bathroom, and made a trip across the living room. He opened the doors leading out onto the balcony and stepped out.

"This is a great place," Jim called back into Blair.

"Yeah, it is. We really like it here. It fits us perfectly." Damn. Blair kept trying to keep his personal comments from influencing Jim, but things just slipped out without his even realizing.

Blair was conflicted. On one hand, he wanted Jim to remember their lives together on his own, so that Jim would know how important they were to each other. But on the other hand, he wanted to tell Jim exactly how things had been so that they could have their lives back. Blair was terrified that things would change. He didn't know how he would be able to handle it if Jim decided he was not what he wanted. Blair tried not to think about it, and to keep up a casual demeanor.

Jim closed the balcony door behind him and crossed the room to head up the stairs to the bedroom. "You coming up?" he called to his partner.

Blair swallowed hard. "No, I think I'll start dinner. You must be hungry after three days without much food."

Jim looked at Blair intently, but didn't say anything. He climbed the stairs alone, his mind racing. He and Blair were lovers. Jim wasn't stupid, but was he what, gay? No, that didn't fit. He didn't feel like he had other male lovers before Blair. Flashes of women he had taken to bed flew by, but there didn't seem to be men he had bedded that he could remember. What was it about Blair Sandburg that made Jim Ellison feel so good? Blair made him feel at home, like he belonged, was a part of him. He wanted their connection back. He wanted to remember. He needed to remember. Jim sat down on the edge of the bed, looking around.

Personal items were strewn here and there. A hairbrush on the night stand. A pair of black hiking boots. A red and black plaid flannel shirt. A bottle of massage oil was on the dresser. Jim picked it up, and opened the top, sniffing lightly. The woodsy herbal scent pleasantly tickled Jim's nose. He dabbed a drop on the end of his finger, rubbing it into the back of his hand. He brought his hand up to his nose and closed his eyes.

Blair lay back against the pillows; glasses perched on his nose. He was reading Archaeology Today. Jim could see him as clearly as if he were here right now. Jim concentrated. Blair was reading an article out loud to Jim about the Mayan ruins at Tikal. Jim was lying on his side; his head propped up on his hand, listening. Jim loved their quiet time together. Every once in a while, Blair showed him a picture that went with the story, telling him that they would go to Guatemala one day and climb the ruins together.

Jim shook his head slightly. A memory! He had a memory. Jim leapt up and trotted down the stairs. Blair was in the kitchen fixing chicken soup. He was definitely in mother hen role, Jim figured. Jim grinned at his lover. "Blair! I just had a memory! You were reading to me about some Mayan ruins in Central America. I remembered it after sniffing the massage oil that was on the dresser."

Blair grinned. "Oh, man, that's so great! See, I knew once we got you out of that hospital and back home, things would be better. You hungry?"

"Yes, I'm starving. I can't remember when I last had a good meal."

Blair laughed. Jim grinned. He liked Blair's laugh. Jim came around the counter and stood behind him while he fixed the soup. He slid his arms around Blair's waist and hugged him, nuzzling his hair. Blair froze. "Jim?"

"Hummm? You smell so good." Jim reached up and swept Blair's hair away from his neck, exposing his ear to Jim's waiting lips, where he placed a soft kiss on the warm skin.

Blair tried to turn around, but Jim held him fast as he pressed his body against Blair's. "Jim!"

Jim stopped, and released his hold. "Oh, my God, Blair. I didn't even realize what I was doing. I'm sorry. I was working on autopilot." Jim's voice was quiet. "It seemed like the right thing to do."

Blair spun around and put his fingers on Jim's lips. "Shhh. Stop. It's okay. It is the right thing to do, but only if you realize what you're doing. Jim, I won't be able to take it if you start something and can't or won't finish it. I'm not good with rejection. It's been really hard getting this far. You and I have had to work through a lot of crap. I'm so afraid I'm going to lose you."

Jim rested his hands on Blair's hips. Blair leaned against Jim with his hands on Jim's chest. "If how I feel about you is any indication of how you feel about me, Blair, you aren't going to lose me."

"You haven't been out of the hospital for more than a couple of hours. You need to rest and recover. You had a serious injury. Hot sex isn't want you need right now."

Jim pulled Blair close. "But what if it's what I want right now? I want to be close to you"

"Jim!" Blair's hand moved from Jim's chest to the back of his neck, pulling their lips together. As their lips touched, Blair sighed deeply, and Jim groaned. They kissed tentatively, then more passionately.

Blair pulled away abruptly. "Wait. This is not going to happen. It's too fast, and you're not ready."

"Are you always this stubborn?"

Blair smirked. "Me? No. I'm as easy going as they get. So let me explain the routine for tonight. First, dinner. Second, shower. Third, sleep. Any objections?"

Jim chuckled softly, and threw up his hands in defeat. "No. I know when I'm licked."

The next afternoon, when Blair came home from running errands and grocery shopping, the second he stepped into the loft he knew something was wrong. Jim was in the living room, pacing. He did not look up when as Blair entered.

"Hey, Jim," Blair called to him, but received no response. His pacing did not slow and he showed no sign of awareness of Blair's presence. Blair kicked the door shut with his foot and quickly dropped the bags of food and purchases on the counter. He crossed the room and stood directly in front of Jim, grabbing his arms.

Blair sucked in his breath sharply when he looked into Jim's face. It was flushed and sweating. His eyes were wild and haunted. He was breathing in short, panting gasps. "Jim, what's wrong?" Blair asked, putting his hands on either side of Jim's face and looking into his eyes. Jim stared right through him. Blair took stock of the situation quickly. He stopped and concentrated, then he cursed under his breath. The Guide's connection with the Sentinel was broken.

Blair grabbed Jim's upper arms and pulled him to the sofa, pushing him down onto it. He ran to the kitchen and got a cool washcloth to wipe Jim's face. By the time he got back into the living room, Jim was back up and pacing again. "Come on, Jim," Blair said quietly. "Damn it, anyway." Blair berated himself. "I should have known better than leave you alone so soon. I'm sorry, Jim, please listen to me." Blair realized that Jim wasn't connecting, but he kept up the steady drone of his voice anyway. Jim was always comforted by the sound of his Guide's voice. Blair could only hope that Jim could hear him somewhere in the far recesses of his mind.

Blair led Jim back to the sofa and sat him down. He unbuttoned Jim's shirt and pulled it from his body. Blair wiped the sweat from the Sentinel's face and neck with the cloth. He unbuttoned his own shirt and lay down, pulling Jim's head onto his chest. He laid a hand on the side of Jim's face and another on his back. Blair could feel the tremors shaking Jim's body.

Blair was in full Guide mode. "Listen to me, Jim. I know you can hear me. Concentrate. Listen to the sound of my heartbeat. Listen, Jim. You can hear my heart beating. You can hear me breathing. You can hear the blood flowing through my body. Listen. Lose yourself in me. Concentrate; hear only my body next to yours." Blair stopped and waited silently, giving Jim a chance to synchronize his internal rhythms with Blair's.

Blair knew without a doubt that Jim was subconsciously attuned to Blair's body at all times, and that unconscious connection kept his senses anchored. Blair had discovered this amazing fact years ago when Jim had casually admitted one day that he always "listened" to Blair. Unfortunately, Jim's amnesia prevented him from remembering how to tune in, and he was emotionally and mentally pulled away from his Guide without even realizing it.

Blair started to gently stroke Jim's hair and the tremors in his body slowly subsided. His breathing started to steady and his color returned to normal. He lay without moving. Eventually Blair could tell from his steady breathing that he was asleep. Blair never moved a muscle and he finally fell asleep, too.

Blair woke several hours later and peered down at Jim, who lay quite content with his head on Blair's chest, eyes open. "Jim, are you feeling okay now?"

Jim sighed as he slid an arm around Blair's waist. "Yes, thank you, I'm feeling much better. I'm sorry."

"For what?" Blair rubbed gently circles on Jim's back with his hand.

"I was so out of it. I could tell something was wrong. I just didn't know what to do. I was so scared. I think I'm going crazy sometimes. Everything is really intense and then it's almost like I have blinders on and earplugs in. Things go from dark to light too fast, and I feel like screaming."

"Shhh. It's okay. You didn't remember to tune into me. It's not something I ever had to remind you to do before. It's something you always did instinctively. I should have realized and reminded you. You're being really brave about this whole memory thing." Blair chuckled as Jim smiled. The tremors from Blair's laughter sent tingles through his senses. Things were getting back in sync for him, finally.

"Why are you laughing?" Jim rubbed the side of his head on Blair's chest, enjoying the feel of the hairs tickling his ear and cheek.

"If it were me and I had lost my memory, I would probably be locked up in a padded room somewhere by now. I was just visualizing myself in a straight jacket."

"Come on, Chief. You don't give yourself enough credit. I seem to remember you being a pretty brave guy."

Blair laughed again. "Oh, you do, do you? And here I thought you couldn't remember much of anything."

Jim raised his head, crystal blue eyes meeting dusky blue ones. "Oh, I remember enough," he said as he smiled at his lover. Then he lay his head back down on Blair's comforting body, sighing contentedly.

The next morning when Jim woke, he blinked and shook his head. He was confused for a few seconds, then he remembered yesterday's events. Blair had led him to bed after he had rescued Jim from that awful empty place. Jim sighed gratefully. He was in their bed and his partner was sleeping soundly next to him. Jim smiled as he looked at Blair's sleeping form. He was spread out on his back, both arms over his head. Jim licked his lips. He was hungry and it wasn't for food. He wanted Blair now.

Jim watched his partner's face while he slid close to him. His mind raced as he remembered Blair's body pressed against his. He closed his eyes and saw the visions of his lover danced before his eyes. Blair making love to him, plunging deep into his body while sweat poured from his face and chest. The musky smell of his arousal. The soft, seductive curve of his lips and his eyes beckoning Jim lustfully, inviting Jim to explore, to taste, to touch.

Jim ran his hand through the tangle of silky hair cascading across the pillow and brought a handful to his nose, inhaling the tantalizing vanilla-scented fragrance. Jim tenderly kissed the end of Blair's nose and moved onto his eyes and forehead until Blair stirred and opened his eyes.

Blair peeked at his lover through heavy lids, and his lips curved in a welcoming smile. Jim smiled back. "It's been too long, Chief." Jim pulled Blair close and captured his lips with his own. He groaned in the back of his throat when his body responded. He deepened the kiss, sliding his tongue into Blair's mouth when Blair opened wider and bid Jim to enter. Their tongues entwined and Jim's sense of taste exploded with Blair's enticing flavor.

Jim moaned again while Blair made small noises in the back of his throat that drove him crazy. Jim's dick was hard and dripping freely. Blair's erection was full and aching. Jim slid his arm under Blair and rolled to his back, pulling Blair onto him. Jim hugged him tightly. Then his hands caressed their way down Blair's back to press against his ass so that their shafts rubbed against each other. The heat was almost more than Jim could handle right now. He shuddered and finally released Blair's luscious lips.

"Oh, God, Blair, please." Jim whispered.

"Jim, it's too much too fast. You need to take it easy." Blair was breathing hard and fast, and his erection was aching for Jim's touch.

"I've been resting for two days. Please, Blair, I need you now. I need to feel close to you." Jim's hand pushed their lips together and he kissed him hard. Blair put his hands on either side of Jim's body and started to move away, intending to slow things down, but Jim was adamant. He growled at Blair to stay put. Blair obliged while Jim placed wet, demanding kisses on Blair's face and neck.

When Jim finally let Blair speak, he gently admonished his lover. "Jim, lay back. I'll do the work."

Jim licked his lips and nodded. "That's an offer I can't refuse."

Blair slid to lie alongside Jim and he began to run his hands over his lover's thighs and hips. He caressed Jim's stomach and rubbed his hand across his strong, muscled chest. The taped ribs made Blair hesitate.

"Don't stop now, Blair, I'm okay. Please kiss me. " Blair leaned over and kissed Jim's warm inviting lips and his tongue tickled the insides of his mouth. Blair's hand found Jim's shaft and he trailed his fingers through the hot moisture, teasing the teased the end with his fingertips, making Jim shiver.

"Dial it down just a bit, Jim. I don't want to overwhelm you."

Blair watched Jim's face until he regained control. He ran his hand over Jim's leaking dick, spreading the juices on his palm. Blair's hand worked its way up and down Jim's shaft while his hips thrust to match Blair's strokes. Jim moaned and he threaded his fingers through Blair's hair.

Blair kept up his stroking while his mouth found Jim's once again. Blair kissed him long and hard, feeling his mate's body shaking at his approaching climax. Blair stopped his stroking and his hand traveled down to Jim's balls, caressing the silky flesh. Jim's orgasm was building fast and he whimpered at the sudden loss of Blair's hand, thrusting his hips up, searching for contact. Blair sidled down Jim's body and took his throbbing dick into his mouth, sucking the hard, burning flesh and running his tongue around the head, tickling the small slit with the tip of his tongue. Jim panted and trembled when Blair's fingers fondled the warmth of his ass. Blair rubbed the tight opening with his fingertip while he took Jim's shaft into his throat and in a few short minutes, Jim's orgasm raced through him. He tensed and shouted Blair's name when he came deep in his lover's throat.

"Oh, God, Blair. Please let me touch you, " Jim begged.

"No way, Jim. You're overdoing it as it is."

"Then you do it. I'll watch. Come here. Please, Chief. I wanted to see your face. I want to watch you come," Jim insisted.

Blair lay on his back and began stroking himself. Jim wrapped his hand over Blair's and together they explored Blair's dick and balls, fondling and caressing. Blair closed his eyes, breathing heavily when the waves of pleasure coursed through his body. Jim watched him intently while Blair's orgasm built, cataloguing every twitch, every breath, every moan right into his brain. Blair was beautiful. His lips were wet and red from their kisses, his face full of passion. Jim felt the heat spreading from Blair's body in fiery waves and he could smell his lover's body responding to their mutual caresses. He controlled his senses instinctively as they responded to Blair's reactions. Blair froze and held his breath when his orgasm spurted from him. He cried out, shuddering, and Jim held him close until the last spasm subsided. Jim had always liked watching Blair having an orgasm. He smiled; something else he remembered.

Jim pulled him even closer. Blair snuggled his face into the crook of Jim's neck for just a few seconds before he pushed back. "I'm too heavy to lean on you. Your ribs. Remember?"

"They're fine. They don't hurt. I forgot about them. Endorphins, you know. No pain, just pleasure. And your pressing against me isn't leaning. I like feeling you close. You're so strong, Blair, like an anchor. I don't know what I would do without you. I still feel lost, but because you're here, I know I'll be found again."

Blair smiled into Jim's warm blue eyes. "I like feeling close to you, too. But I don't feel strong. Sometimes I feel like crying."

"Chief, I wish I could explain to you what it's been like for the past five days. Things are starting to focus and always, when they focus, I see you. You're there and I'm happy."

"Geez, Jim, now I am going to cry." Blair laughed merrily at himself. "I love you, Jim."

"Me, too, Blair, I love you."

Blair was fixing breakfast when Jim came from the bathroom into the kitchen. Blair looked up to see Jim staring at him.

"Jim, what is it?"

Jim said excitedly, "Blair, I felt it!"

"I hope you washed your hands afterwards."

Jim laughed. "No, really. I felt you, in my mind. It's really weird, but it's kind of nice. It doesn't hurt or anything."

"No, Jim, it doesn't hurt."

"You feel it too, don't you?"

"Yes," Blair answered, smiling at his lover.

"It's our bond, our link to each other, isn't it?"

"Yes, it is. We were both a bit surprised when it happened. I don't have an instruction manual on this stuff, you know. New things surface every once in a while. That was definitely a new thing."

"So we didn't have it right away, when we first met?"

"No, only after we started sleeping together did we develop the 'tickle'."

Jim laughed. "Oh, that's what you call it?"

"Yes. It kind of tickles the back of my mind."

"That's a good way to describe it. And speaking of tickling, come here."

"Chief, let's take a drive."

"Sure, Jim, where to?"

"Take me past a few of the places we've gone together. You know, restaurants, the Mall, the sports stadium, stuff like that."

"Okay. For just a little while, though. You still need to rest."

Jim rolled his eyes. "Yes, Daddy."

"Speaking of Daddy, do you want to pass by your house? Your father is out of town, but the neighborhood should help you put things into place."

"Sure. I think I remember the house, anyway. Don't tell me, let me see if I can guess which one it is."

They drove for about thirty minutes through several business districts and neighborhoods. Jim seemed to remember lots of streets and landmarks. As they neared Jim's childhood home, he reacted. "Blair, stop here."

Jim glanced around at the unused sports field. Memories flooded his brain. The championship football game; his winning tackle; the final score, 14-13. Finding Bud's body and seeing killer with the marked neck. His own father's renouncement of his abilities and, just a few years ago, Aaron Foster's plan for revenge. His father lying, face down on the ground. Jim's heart stopped, and he sucked in his breath. Dad! Finding his father alive and finally capturing the killer. Jim and William's tentative reconciliation.

Blair's gentle touch on his arm broke his reverie. "Jim, you okay?"

"Yeah. Just thinking. I remember the football game and Bud and Foster. I remember all of it."

"Remembering is good, but sometimes you have to remember the bad things along with the good things to see the whole picture. You can't have good memories without some bad ones. They make the good ones even more important."

"Chief, are you always this smart?"

"Yes," Blair replied, grinning widely. Jim reached over and ruffled his hair.

Driving past Wilkinson Towers, another cascade of memories crashed through Jim's brain. He closed his eyes. Blair! The elevator trapped between floors. Hours of negotiations. The elevator falling not just once, but three times. A bomb in a briefcase and Blair trapped, along with three other victims, when it exploded. How awful he felt when he thought Blair was dead and how good it felt to hit Rachins over and over. How much he wanted to drop him down all those floors, so the asshole could feel the terror he had inflicted on innocent people. Jim shook his head to clear his mind.

"Are you tired?" Blair asked.

"No, but I want a milkshake."

"Jim! Think about your poor body having to process all that, that cool, creamy ice-cream." Blair laughed. "Thanks a lot. Now I want one, too. There's a Wonderburger two blocks over. We'll drive through."

"I want strawberry. No, chocolate. Oh, darn. I guess I'd better have one of each."

Blair drove several blocks to the City Park near the waterfront, and they found a quiet spot under a tree to sit on the grass. They shared the drinks, laughing and dripping ice cream on each other as each man offered tastes to the other from the end of too small plastic spoons and drippy straws.

"Tell me honestly, how do you feel?"

Jim reflected for a minute while he finished the last of the strawberry. "Chief, I feel good. Really good."

"Give me a detailed list. You know the drill." The words slipped out before Blair could stop them. Jim didn't know the drill. Jim didn't remember the drill. Blair started to apologize for being insensitive, but before the words made it out of his mouth, Jim gave Blair a shopping list of how he felt, automatically. Blair stopped and held his breath. Jim remembered!

"My head is okay. Once in a while I get a twinge, but not often. My eyes are good. No shadows or anything like that. My sense of smell is right on. My hearing is under control. My taste is happy from strawberry, chocolate and vanilla right now. I love ice cream, you know. My ribs are a bit tender, but not sore. My fingers don't hurt unless I bang them on something. I love you, Blair Sandburg. How's that, Chief?"

Blair sat open-mouthed, astonished at how easily the subconscious part of Jim's mind took over, remembering. Jim looked at his surprised face and grinned. He pulled Blair to him, kissing him gently. "I'm finding out if I don't push it, things just fall into place. And all in all, Blair, I feel very lucky to be here with you. Lucky to be alive."

"Oh, man, I love you. Jim, I'm lucky, too. I was so scared. I was afraid I had lost you."

"Hey, buddy, it's okay. I'm not going anywhere. I'm kind of hard to get rid of." Jim ran the back of his fingers down the side of Blair's face. Blair caught Jim's hand and he pressed his lips to the warm fingers.

Blair smiled softly. "Come on. Let's head towards home."

Jim nodded. "Sounds good to me."

Walking back to the car, Blair saw the look on Jim's face.

"No, Jim. You need to rest."

"What did I say?" Jim flung out his arms, looing innocent.

"It wasn't what you said, it's how you looked at me."

Jim snorted. "Oh, now I suppose you know what I'm thinking, too."

"Well, about that, yes."

"About what?"

"You know."

"Enlighten me, smart guy."

"You get this look when you want me."

"Oh, I do, do I?" Jim smirked.

"Well, yeah, you do." Blair nodded enthusiastically.

"And you don't think you have a look, too?"

"Me? No. I'm too cool for looks. My mind is under total control, as well as my facial expressions, and my body."

"Oh my God! Blair, you are so wrong. Your face is an open book. And your body? That's a laugh. I can have you coming in two minutes, you know." Jim had a satisfied smirk on his face.

"You are such a jerk. You can't tell me what I'm thinking right now."

Jim cocked his head. "Want to bet?"

"Yeah. 100 bucks."

"No, not money."

Blair chuckled. "Oh, I get it. Sexual favors."

"Yeah."

"Hmm. Okay." Blair stopped and thought. "Okay, you guess what I'm thinking and you get to pick what you do to me. And if you don't guess what I'm thinking, I get to pick what you do to me."

"Okay."

"Shake on it."

"Sure. What was that again? I guess correctly and I get to pick what I do to you. If I don't guess correctly, you get to pick what I do you."

"Right."

Jim stopped. "Now wait a darned minute. How come you get something done to you either way?"

Blair put his hands on his hips. "Hey, man, don't bitch at me. You agreed to it. You even shook on it."

"So either way, you get the best part of the deal?"

"Yup," Blair agreed as he grinned.

"Chief, you are in so much trouble now, it's pathetic."

"Promise?" Blair asked hopefully.

Jim laughed loudly. "Do we have any honey, and where are the keys to my handcuffs?"

The next afternoon, after Blair had time to recover from Jim's blissfully wonderful assault on his body and mind, Jim talked Blair into another tour of the city. The more they drove around, the more information Jim processed. They stopped by the precinct. It was the first time Jim had seen his fellow detectives since the accident.

Blair had discreetly asked their friends not to descend on Jim the second he walked into the bullpen, allowing him time to adjust. Joel Taggart's smiling face greeted him first. "Hey, Jim. It's good to see you. How are you doing? Hello, Blair."

"Hi, Joel," Blair answered.

Jim smiled. "Hello, Joel. I'm doing okay. Things are falling into place, but it's been weird as hell."

Joel grinned widely. "I'll bet. I'm glad you're okay. We miss you around here, you and Blair both."

"Thanks, Joel," Jim replied gratefully.

Joel pointed a finger at Blair. "You take care of him, Blair."

Blair waved their friend goodbye. "Okay, man, you know I will."

"How does it feel to be back, Jim?" Blair asked after Joel had wandered off.

"Kind of familiar, kind of strange. It feels okay. I don't feel uncomfortable, just a bit disoriented. But it'll pass. Let's find Simon." Jim hesitated for a second scanning the room. He saw several familiar faces. His mind worked to connect the names to the faces. Blair stood quietly, letting Jim focus. Jim waved his hand in the direction of several people working at their desks.

"Ah, Henri. Megan. And, wait, don't tell me, Rafe. Right?"

Blair nodded encouragingly. "Yes. You got them all right. You want to go and say hi?"

"Yeah. You coming?"

"You go ahead. I want to talk to Simon for a minute. I'll meet you in his office."

"Okay." Jim set off in the direction of their friends. Blair bit his lower lip. It was hard to let Jim set sail on his own. Blair had an unwavering desire to follow and protect him, but he knew Jim needed to take these steps under his own power. He headed to Simon's office.

"Come," Simon called in response to Blair's knock.

"Captain?"

"Hello, Detective. You look a hell of a lot better than the last time I saw you."

Blair grinned. "Thanks, Simon. A couple of days' rest and a few meals will do wonders for a guy."

Simon returned his smile. "How's he doing?"

"Actually, you know Jim. He's doing just great. He's been up emotionally, and physically the doctor is pleased with his progress. I just can't shake this urge to follow him around and watch over him."

"Sandburg, give yourself a break. You had a traumatic experience, too. You've tried to explain to me about the link between you guys many times. I think I understand now what it must be like for you. You feel Jim's pain and his sadness. You feel his happiness and his pleasure. I understand you're connected spiritually. And I think I'm safe in saying you are also connected physically."

Blair grinned and shrugged his shoulders. He and Jim had never directly told Simon they had become lovers shortly after Blair graduated from the police academy. They wouldn't have denied it if Simon had asked. It's just that Simon had never asked.

"Blair, it's okay. I know that you and Jim have always conducted yourselves professionally as detectives. What you two have privately is exactly that, private. I just wanted you to know that I understand more now than I did before. In fact, I almost envy your closeness with Jim. I wish I had someone in my life as important to me as you are to each other. If it weren't for Daryl, I wouldn't have anyone important to me. Believe me, I'm not judging you. I'm your friend. Remember that."

Blair gave Simon a dazzling smile as their eyes met. "Thanks, Simon. That means a lot to me and I know it means a lot to Jim, too. Thank you."

Jim strolled through the partially opened door a few minutes later. Simon waved him into a seat, and poured coffee. Blair perched on the conference table, swinging his legs.

"Simon."

"Jim. Glad to see you out and about. Sandburg tells me he has you on a tight leash these days."

Chuckling, Jim shrugged. "Yeah, he's a real pain in the ass most of the time."

Blair snickered quietly behind Jim's back, mumbling, "Look who's talking, Mr. Cooperative."

"Seriously, Jim, how are you feeling? And what does the doctor say?"

"I'm doing okay. I'm a bit tired sometimes, but other than that, things are under control. And the doctor says next Thursday he'll give me more of an idea on when he'll release me for light duty."

Simon nodded. "Okay. You know that you'll have to have his release in writing before I can find you deskwork. Sandburg, when are you going to get your butt in here and tackle that file room revamp you promised me?"

"Take it easy, Simon. Jim will be chilling next week at home and I'll have four or five days to tackle that mess." Simon glared at his detective. Blair held up his hand. "I promise, Simon. It will be done by next Friday."

"Good man. Remember, you have no vacation time left and only a few hours of sick leave. If you expect to see a paycheck in two weeks, I expect to see your ass in here working. You're the only person not assigned to a case, and I can't spare any personnel right now for the exciting task of redoing that file room."

"I get your point, Captain. Paychecks are a good thing." Blair grinned.

Simon lit a cigar. "Okay, you two. Out. Someone around here has got to work."

"Come on, Chief. We know when we're not wanted."

Blair could have kicked himself for taking Highway 24 to get back to the loft, but it was the shortest route home, and it never crossed his mind that it passed directly in front of Rainier University. To Blair, the events that transpired more than two years ago were a distant memory, over and done, not to be relived again. But to Jim, whose memory was worse than aged Swiss cheese at the moment, something kicked him upside the head. As the car made its way past the campus, Jim grabbed Blair's arm.

"Stop," he ordered.

Damn! Blair glanced out the windshield, realizing he hadn't paid attention to his route. They were almost at the entrance to the University. He could see the stone pillars looming ahead.

"Hey, Jim, I'm starving, man. Let's go home and I'll fix you a nice, hot plate of spaghetti."

Jim's eyes narrowed and he rubbed his hand across his forehead. "Drive through the campus. Please, Blair. There's something..."

"Jim, not a good idea."

"If you won't do it, I will. Or let me out and I'll catch a bus or a cab home. Just stop now."

"Jim, it will be dark in less than an hour. There's nothing to see."

"Damn it, Sandburg, stop the car!"

Blair pulled over. Jim hadn't called him Sandburg for almost two years, not since they'd become lovers. Blair felt a trickle of sweat trail down his back between his shoulder blades. He passed the Rainier campus many times in the last two years, but other than one case which took him and his partner onto the far West corner of the campus, he hadn't been back since that day. And even when he had come back for those last few months before the press conference, he always exited Hargrove Hall through the rear, carefully avoiding the front of the building where the fountain was located.

Jim was out of the car, striding across the darkening campus on long legs. Blair had to run to catch up with him. "Jim, please. This is not a good idea. Don't do this to me, man. Jim, stop."

Jim called over his shoulder. "Don't do what to you, Blair? What is it? There's this dark, crushing feeling. It's killing me. I have to do this. You don't have to come. In fact, it would be better if you didn't. I need to know."

"You won't like what you find, Jim. You'd be happier not knowing, at least for now."

Jim stopped. He turned and advanced on Blair, grabbing his shoulders. "Tell me what has you so frightened. What did you do? What did I do?" Jim's fingers dug into Blair's skin when he tried to pull away. Then their eyes met. Blair's were wide and distressed; Jim felt himself being pulled in and he was immediately contrite. He sighed, sliding his hands slid onto Blair's upper arms and rubbing gently. He leaned his forehead against Blair's.

"I'm sorry. Please help me. I need you to be with me. Something is pulling me. It's like a nightmare that I can't wake up from. I need to know everything. Remember what you told me. The good and the bad. There has to be both for balance. Please, Chief."

With his throat dry, Blair whispered huskily, "Okay, Jim."

Jim dropped his hands and took Blair's cold one into his. "We're together forever. You know that. This is in your past. It needs to be in mine." Blair nodded and followed quietly when Jim headed in the direction of Hargrove Hall.

The fountain gurgled merrily. It was an inanimate object; not responsible for the actions of the humans who abused its tranquil beauty. But when Jim's gaze touched the dark waters in the dying evening light, he held his breath. He was pulled towards the fountain by an unseen force. Even when he reached the edge he did not stop, but walked right into the water. He never even noticed the cold water soaking his shoes and lapping at his knees.

Jim closed his eyes. The visions tumbled over one another. He saw Blair floating face down in the water. He saw himself pulling him out. 'He's gone!' Simon had yelled. Jim took a step and slipped, falling to his knees, cold water now soaking the rest of his clothing. He started to shake. He felt the touch of Blair's cold, lifeless lips against his. 'Don't you go!' Jim heard himself screaming over and over. Then Jim remembered. Remembered the warmth flowing through him into his Guide. Remembered the wolf and the panther uniting as one. Remembered Blair breathing. Blair alive.

Blair hovered at the edge of the fountain, unable to take that step. Jim stood still, shaking a bit from the cold, his head bent. When Jim slipped and fell, Blair leapt forward, heedless of the cold water, of the dreaded fountain. He sloshed his way to his mate and wrapped his arms under Jim's, pulling him to his feet, managing to get a good portion of his clothes wet also. He led him to the edge, but Jim was still out of it and Blair couldn't get him to step out of the water.

"Come on, Jim, step up. This water is freezing. Please, Jim," Blair pleaded until Jim finally shook his head to clear his mind.

"Oh, God, Chief!" Jim cried as he slid his arms around Blair's waist and buried his face into his neck.

Blair's hand stroked the back of Jim's head, holding him close. "Shh. It's okay. It's over and done with. I wish that you would have never had to relieve that day." Jim shivered again and hugged him tighter. "Jim, man, you've got to let me breathe here. Come on, let's get out of here." Jim finally responded, and they climbed out of the frigid water. They walked back to the car with Blair's arm tightly wrapped around Jim's waist, and Jim's arm hugging Blair's shoulders fiercely.

The ride to the loft was made in silence. Blair kept glancing at Jim to be sure he wasn't zoned. Jim stared straight-ahead, not moving, barely breathing. Blair turned on the heat to high. He was shivering in spite of the warmth pouring from the vents. He pressed on the gas a bit harder, making the trip in record time. Once they were home, Blair pulled Jim along behind him straight into the bathroom. He turned on the shower to a comfortably hot setting.

"Jim, come on, get out of those wet clothes."

Jim stood still, not making any move to disrobe. Blair started to strip him. Jim shivered and seemed to finally grasp the fact that he was freezing and wet. He managed to help Blair pull his wet jeans from his body after Blair had pulled off his soaked hiking boots and socks.

"Get in the shower, Jim. Your skin is ice cold."

Jim followed Blair's directions. Once he was standing under the hot water, Blair turned his attentions to his own wet clothes. His fingers were so cold that he had trouble unbuttoning his shirt, and the button on his jeans refused to cooperate. He breathed on his hands several times to warm them and finally peeled off the last articles of uncooperative clothing.

Blair stood quietly under the hot spray, sighing with relief as the warmth flowed back into his body. He ran his hands over Jim's back and shoulders. As Jim's skin started to warm to Blair's hands, he reached back and pushed the stopper in the drain, and when the tub was full, he sank into the hot water and pulled Jim down with him. Blair put a towel behind his head and leaned back, tugging at Jim's shoulders until his body reclined against his. Jim still hadn't spoken since the fountain, but as Blair rubbed his hands on Jim's neck and shoulders, he could feel his body finally starting to relax.

"Jim, are you okay?" Blair asked gently.

"No," Jim answered quietly.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Jim sighed and put his head back onto Blair's shoulder. "No, not really, but I don't have much of a choice in the matter. If I hadn't forgotten, then I wouldn't have to remember again. If this is what it felt like when it happened, I can't imagine how I survived. The memories are so painful; I can't begin to describe them. If you had stayed dead, Blair, I know I would be dead now, too"

Blair slid his hands over Jim's shoulders and rested his palms against his chest. "You have to remember, Jim, that I don't remember what happened while I was dead. I don't remember the CPR or the paramedics, or anything else. I only remember the wolf and the panther melting together in a bolt of white light. After that I don't remember much of anything else except throwing up water, until I woke up in the hospital. But you have all the painful memories of what happened. I didn't see what happened from your point of view."

Jim turned his face to look into Blair's. "Do you remember what it was like to die?" Jim's voice was no more than a whisper that Blair could hardly hear.

"Well, after Alex pushed the gun in my side and forced me to go out the front door of Hargrove, when we got by the fountain, I remember she stopped. I knew she had heard something and that she was distracted for just a second. I twisted out of her grasp and tried to run. Then I remember a pain on my head. Actually, that's the last thing I remember. No, I don't remember being drowned or dying. Which is a good thing, I guess." Blair chuckled.

"How can you laugh about it?"

"Jim, it was over two years ago for me. You saved me. I'm alive. We're together. For me, it took a terrible thing to end up being something wonderful. For you, the memories are as if they happened today. I understand how you must feel, but the reality is that it happened a long time ago, and it's behind us now."

Jim shook his head. "It seemed so real, though, like it just happened, not like a distant memory."

"Of course it's real. I didn't say it wasn't real. It's just your timeframe and mine are different. For you, it's new and painful. For me, it's old and I don't want to think about it. Jim, listen to me. If someone came along right now, and said to me, 'For you and Jim to be together forever, you have to die and come back to life, would you do it?' I would say, 'Yes, right now, let's do it.' That was the turning point. That's when you decided you loved me. I would die a hundred times if that's what it took for you to love me."

"Blair, please. I feel so guilty. You can't possibly need me that much. No one ever needed me, or loved me that much."

"Sorry to disappoint you, Jim, but I need you that much. I want you that much. And I will have you."

"You're a stubborn one, aren't you?"

"When it comes to you, yes. I get what I want and I don't share."

"Chief, you've got me and you don't have to share, ever."

"Come on, let's get dried off and eat. I'm starving. Swimming always makes me hungry."

Blair sank onto the warm, inviting bed in their room, patting his full stomach. Jim smiled down at his lover. "Thanks, Jim. That was a great meal. I love chicken and broccoli and the cheese sauce was perfect."

"I was getting a little tired of chicken soup, Chief. You've been feeding it to me at least once a day since I got home from the hospital. And just how much chicken did you buy anyway? I counted six more packages in the freezer. I would have made beef and broccoli, but there's no other meat to be found."

Blair laughed. "It was on sale. And besides, you know that it's been scientifically proven that chicken soup has healing powers."

"Yeah, right. You expect me to buy that." Jim slid into the bed, pulling Blair close and nuzzling his hair. Blair wrapped his arm around Jim's neck, smiling into his eyes.

"It's true, I wouldn't lie to you."

"You willing to take a lie detector test one of these days?"

"For you, Jim, any time, any place, anywhere and whatever you want." Blair rubbed his body against Jim's. "And anything you want." Blair's voice was husky and seductive.

Jim brushed his lips against Blair's, tasting the essence of his mate. Jim's tongue licked his lover's parted lips, and he groaned at the delicious flavors bursting on his taste buds.

Blair sighed his contentment and stared into Jim's blue eyes. "Jim, do you remember everything now?"

"Pretty much. Why?" Jim kissed each eyelid.

"If I say the words, dissertation and press conference in the same sentence, what do they mean to you?" Blair pulled Jim's head to his lips, and ran his tongue around the inside of Jim's ear, giving him goose bumps.

"Mmmmm. That tickles. Let's see. Dissertation. You were writing a dissertation on Sentinels. You were studying me. You started out as an observer. You made it your mission in life to irritate me for three years. I remember that, but press conference? Doesn't ring any bells." Jim was getting tired of talking. "Make love with me, Blair. I need you. Now."

Blair pulled Jim's lips to his, kissing him amorously, pressing his tongue against Jim's lips and slipping inside at Jim's urging. He finally let his mate come up for air.

"I want to make love with you, Jim. I need you too. It's been so long since we did it that way. You sure you're okay, with your ribs and all?"

"My ribs don't hurt, it's been more than a week and I have enough hands to use on you without these two fingers. Believe me, I'm more than ready. I've missed you. I need you in me."

Blair smiled at his beloved. "Me, too, Jim, I need you close. And afterwards, I'll tell you a little story about my dissertation and a press conference, and how I almost became a millionaire."

"A story?" Jim murmured as he kissed Blair's neck and nipped lightly at his earlobe. "Does it have a happy ending?"

"Well, let's see, it has a bit of a rough beginning. (A warm kiss is placed on Jim's nose.) Then there's some angst here and there. (Another hits Jim's chin.) The last part is kind of rocky, but it has a great ending. (The third is pressed on his forehead.) And best of all, the two people ride off into the sunset together, to live happily every after." Blair's deep laugh delighted Jim's ears while he proceeded to send Jim's willing body and mind into the next dimension. The time for stories was later, even for stories with happy endings.

End Remember Me, Always by LilyK: [email protected]

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