Archive of Our Own ^beta

Disclaimer: The characters belong to Petfly and Paramount, the story and all these words belong to me. No infringment of copyright is intended and no money is being made in the production or publication of this story. See - I can disclaim with the best of them.

Heartfelt thanks to Kaye for all the help and the necessary sense of humour when dealing with me in writing mode. But most of all, I want to thank all those incredible people who emailed me after each Part was posted, giving me their first-rush impressions of what they'd just read, encouraging me with every step. I really appreciate it.
Feedback is of course, always welcomed.

This is the final Part of the Without Fear story. Please don't go asking me for more. Not yet. Not for at least, well, maybe five minutes or so, okay?
I had planned to post this Part last night, however, technical difficulties prevented me, so I apologize for the short delay.

This story is a sequel to: Without Fear 7

Without Fear Part 8

'Jim! Hi, come on in!' Steven held the door open for him as Jim stepped into the house, arms weighed down with food and drink. 'Let me get that for you.'

Jim handed his brother the bowl of fruit salad and tub of yogurt, then collected the other bag he'd left outside and stood by while Steven shut the door. 'So, this is the new house? Very nice. Do I get the 50 cent tour?'

'Of course,' Steven grinned, holding up the six-pack Jim had brought with him. 'Especially since you got my favorite beer. Come through to the back. Dad's already here.'

Steven led the way along a corridor of polished floorboards and vanilla walls. To either side, Jim caught glimpses of a living room, dining room and kitchen before turning a corner and emerging into a high-roofed atrium. A few unimposing potted palms marked the corners before bi-fold doors led out into decking and the back yard. The garden was already well established, with two trees casting shade along the western fence.

'This is... really nice,' Jim nodded, smiling in appreciation at his brother. 'Much better than how you described it.'

Megan appeared from another door opposite, carrying a tray of glasses. 'Then you should have listened to what I said, shouldn't you?'

'And break the habits of a lifetime?' Jim grinned and gave her a kiss on the cheek. He took the tray from her, ignoring her wry look and placed it down on the table that filled the center of the atrium. It was already covered in a light blue cloth and plates of rather delicious-looking food. As he unloaded his bags, his father came in from the garden. 'Hi, Dad.'

'Jimmy! We thought you were going to be late.'

'Hey, I'm not always late.'

'You are when you're working.'

'I'm not always working.' At his father's raised eyebrows he added, 'Well, I'm not today.' He just managed to keep the defensive tone out of his voice. He still hated that he had to work at it.

'God, Jim,' Megan laughed, 'how much food did you bring? There's only the four of us.'

'Well, five, actually,' Jim set the bowl of fruit salad to one side, and pulled the saran wrap from a plate of marinated cooked chicken wings he'd cooked that morning. Blair's recipe of course. It was just one of the ways he was working out how to keep Blair's presence in his life on a day to day basis. Oddly enough, it wasn't as difficult as he'd thought it might be. In reality, there was hardly a part of his life Blair hadn't touched in the years he'd lived in Cascade. It took very little effort for Jim to focus on them instead of on how lonely he suddenly felt without the man in his bed every night.

Megan shook her head. 'You know, I've never subscribed to that whole "eating for two" thing pregnant women always go on about. Or at least I didn't until I got pregnant. Next thing I know, I'm raiding the fridge an hour after breakfast and I seem to be hungry all the time.'

Steven pulled out a chair for his wife, 'How about we sit down and eat?'

As they took their seats, Steven poured wine for Jim and his father, and half a glass for Megan. 'So, Jim, when did you get back?'

'Two weeks ago - but Simon's had me working double shifts trying to keep up. With Megan gone and Rafe away at a conference this week, we're still short handed. There's a rumour we're getting a transfer in from homicide for a couple of months while Simon recruits, but I'll believe it when I see it.'

'Well, I'm glad you could make it today,' Steven took a seat at the other end of the table.

'Me too.' That was true of course, but he wasn't so sure they'd agree with him by the end of the day. However, it was nice to be here, even if he was still short a good eight hours sleep. 'So, Megan, how are you feeling? You're looking well.'

'I feel fine. Actually, a lot better than I have been. Did Simon tell you I'm coming back to work next week?'

'Really? But I thought you were under doctor's orders to stay off your feet for the rest of your time.'

'Oh, I am - but he says I'm doing well enough at the moment to work part-time - and, unfortunately, only light duties. So I won't be back working with you, I'm afraid. I'll be stuck in the office working the phones most of the time. But it'll be better than sitting at home for the next four months.'

'Hey, look on the bright side - you can do all my paperwork for me.'

Megan leaned forward with a puzzled look on her face. 'And what was the bright side again?'

William passed the basket of rolls to Jim and caught his eye, 'I'll be relying on you, Jimmy, to make sure she doesn't over do it and risk harming my grandson.'

'Bill, how many times have I told you?' Megan wagged a finger at her father-in-law, her eyes sparkling in mischief. 'You keep calling it your grandson, you're going to be really disappointed if it turns out to be a girl. Let's face it - this family is rather male-dominated. I think we need a little more of the feminine perspective around here, and I see it as my duty - being the only female currently in the family - to provide it. Don't you agree, Jim?'

Jim glanced at Steven to see him struggling to hide a smile. 'Um, yeah, sure I do.'

His father simply shook his head, half-laughing, 'See what I have to put up with? Hey, Jimmy, is there any way you can tell if it's a boy or a girl? These two won't let the doctors tell them.'

'Me?' Jim frowned around a mouthful of chicken salad. 'Why would I be able to tell?'

William waved his fork in the air, 'Well, you know, with your senses.'

'I'm a sentinel, Dad, not a metal detector.' As Steven guffawed and sprayed breadcrumbs over the table, Jim went on. 'The best I can do is listen to the heartbeat and I really don't think Megan wants me eavesdropping on her like that. I'm afraid you'll just have to wait until it's born - like the rest of us.'

'Actually, Jim,' Megan glanced at Steven a moment, before turning back to Jim. 'I wouldn't mind at all. With all the trouble I've had so far, I guess it would, you know, help my confidence a little if I was sure I'd be okay going back to work. I'm not suggesting you go overboard or anything but...'

Jim nodded, doing his best to hide how pleased he was that she'd asked. He'd been dying to try and having permission was just what he needed. 'I could check periodically when I'm in the office, of course. Sure, I'd be happy to.'

She gave him a smile framed with a little relief. 'Thanks.'

Jim turned back to his lunch to find his father staring at him. 'That's it?'

'What do you mean?'

'That's all you need to do? Just say you're going to listen and then do it?'

'Dad, it's no more difficult than listening for the phone. You just need to know how to focus.'

'Are you sure?'

'Positive.'

'Can you do it now?'

Jim rolled his eyes, but at Megan's nod, he replied, 'Sure.' He didn't even bother closing his eyes. Megan had been his partner for almost a year, during which time she'd become the closest thing to a stand-in guide he was ever likely to find. As a result, he'd learned to catalogue and classify her natural scents, sounds and movements, so that he could either listen out for them, or ignore them according to what he was doing.

It was remarkably easy to find the baby's heartbeat - but the moment he did, he pulled in a breath, closed his eyes and just listened. It sounded so different to an adult. Not a thud-thud, but more like a tap-tap only more solid. It hardly seemed real and yet it was. His first niece or nephew, a growing baby which, if all went well, would be with them in another four months or so.

An unbidden frisson of delight flooded through him as he allowed the sound to reverberate within him, becoming as familiar with it as he was with its mother. He was listening, live, to the miracle of life and never before had it seemed such a privilege to be a sentinel.

Something else Blair had given him.

He opened his eyes and found Megan's gaze on him, her expression soft and strong and full of understanding. She knew. He smiled back. 'It's fine. Strong and healthy.'

'Well,' William sat back and let out a breath he'd obviously been holding. 'You had us worried there for a moment.'

'Dad,' Steven poured more wine for them, 'I told you everything was fine. I wish you'd stop worrying.'

'I can't help it.' William shrugged. 'I didn't get the chance to worry about you boys when your mother was pregnant.'

'Why not?' Jim had to ask.

'How could I? I spent every waking moment working. Your grandfather had to call me at work to tell me you'd been born, Jimmy. Things were different back then. There was none of this having the father there for the birth guff you get today. I wasn't expected there, and I wouldn't have been welcome. When I saw Grace that evening at the hospital, she was sitting up, wearing some pretty night dress and jacket and even makeup. And ...'

Silence fell on the room, but it was Jim who spoke into it, his voice soft. He couldn't remember the last time his father had spoken about Grace. 'And what?'

William stared into his wine glass. 'She was sitting there with you in her arms, with this ... this smile on her face. She held you out to me to hold, but I was ... well, I'd never held a baby before and I was afraid I'd drop you. But she made me take you and well, I um... well, you know.'

Nobody said anything this time, leaving William to finish without interruption. 'I wish I'd made the most of it when I could. It's taken me a long time to realize my mistake, Steven, so just you make sure you don't do the same thing.'

'Don't worry, Dad,' Steven's reply was gentle. 'I have no intention following in your footsteps in that regard.'

William smiled at his younger son then, before glancing at Jim a little warily, as though he was afraid he'd said too much. But Jim just nodded and let Megan change the subject deftly.

The conversation drifted then, touching on a dozen different subjects, mostly to do with the new house. Then Steven was standing to clear the plates, and serve up desert. Jim told Megan to sit while he went into the kitchen and made coffee, bringing the pot out to the table before he sat again.

It was actually very nice spending time with his family like this. Two years ago he would never have thought a Sunday lunch like this was possible. But two years ago he hadn't thought it mattered. He'd been struggling to bring to life a relationship with both father and brother, and it had only been with Blair's help, Blair's coaching that he'd learned to see things from a different perspective, that he'd been able to let go all the childhood feelings of anger and resentment and see his family as they really were - men like himself, doing the best they could with their lives. All of them making their fair share of mistakes. He'd learned that they'd all deserved better of each other.

So it was especially enjoyable spending time with them like this. They were still learning, and there were still pitfalls waiting for him - especially today - but he was reasonably sure that they were now strong enough to cope with any new changes that might come along.

He waited until the fruit salad was almost gone before he finally broached the subject.

'You're all being very diplomatic not asking me about Blair.'

Steven glanced up guiltily and even William busied himself pouring more coffee. Of course, it was Megan who asked, her eyes alight with interest.

'You did find him, then?'

'Yes.'

'Oh, Jim!' She smiled, clasping her hands together. 'How is he?'

Jim met her gaze, doing his best to keep his emotions under control. For two weeks he'd had to work hard to concentrate on his job, his life, and not sit around wondering and worrying about Blair, and how he was doing. They'd exchanged the regulation phone calls and emails, but after the intense five days he'd spent in Encinitas, the last two weeks had felt horribly empty. He'd thought he'd missed Blair for the last year - but this was something else entirely. Like somebody had blown a gaping hole in his chest. He could only hope it would get better.

But now that he had the chance, however small, to talk about his new relationship - the very thought of it filled him with that special joy only Blair could give him.

'He's fine. He's doing very well.' Jim worked hard to contain a smile, sat back and absently stirred his coffee, his heart pounding a little harder than normal, making him more than glad he was the only sentinel in this family. He hoped. 'He's in California, a town on the coast called Encinitas, managing a bar-cafe that sits on a cliff overlooking the beach. It's an incredible spot, really beautiful.'

Jim expected Megan to be the one to ask the next, inevitable question, but it was actually Steven.

'Is he planning on coming back?'

Jim felt his father's eyes on him as he replied. 'I doubt it.'

'Never?' Megan frowned.

'I can't say for sure. It all depends on what he ends up doing with whatever career he chooses next.'

William asked the next question, making Jim look up. 'Does he have any idea what that might be?'

'Not yet. But he's looking. He'll find something eventually.'

'And what if that brings him back to Cascade?'

'I don't see that happening for a long time.'

'That's a shame.'

'Really?'

'Of course.' William spread his hands. 'He has friends here, colleagues he worked with. He deserves better than that for what he did for you.'

'Yes, he does,' Jim agreed, a little bemused his father was so interested. 'But I think coming back to Cascade is just going to be a little too painful for him for a few years.'

Jim glanced around the table, not at all surprised that Steven was looking at him intently, and trying desperately not to. Taking a deep breath to still his nerves, Jim put them all out of their misery. 'I guess I should just tell you - Blair and I are together.'

There was utter silence at this announcement - and Jim had to sit and wait it out. After a full minute, William asked, 'By together, you do mean you're a couple. A gay couple.'

Jim nodded. 'Yes.'

There was another silence, and Jim had no choice but to look at his father then, to see his face reddening slightly, his fingers drumming on the table cloth as though he was keeping himself in check by determination alone. Jim's heart sank and he readied himself for a full battle.

When William finally broke, Jim braced himself.

'Well, how the hell is that going to work?'

'Dad-'

'How can you expect to hold a relationship together when he's so far away? You'll hardly see each other. I suppose you think phone calls will do the job, do you? And the occasional visit? Well, son, you're crazy. Long distance relationships don't work. You'll both tear yourselves apart for the next six months or maybe a year before you discover you've drifted too far apart to salvage anything.' William shook his head. 'If you want it to last, you have to find a way to get Blair back here to stay or... or... you'll just have to go down there.'

Too stunned to answer, Jim could only stare at his father. It was actually Steven who broke the new silence. 'Dad? Is there something you're not telling us?'

William frowned at him, as though he expected Steven to know. 'No, of course not. Look, I know you boys were young when your mother left, but you know that when she went it was never supposed to be forever. She just wanted some time on her own, to have a life of her own. She thought she'd been too young to marry, and she was probably right - but back then, I just thought she was being selfish. She was supposed to visit regularly, and you boys stayed with her a couple of times, but in the end, she simply drifted away. She lost touch with us. Now, I know I wasn't exactly perfect as a father, but at least I could say I knew my sons - which was more than she did. By the time she died, you could hardly remember what she even looked like. Jimmy,' William turned back to him, 'for once, follow your brother's lead and learn from my mistakes. Don't just cross your fingers and hope that everything will be fine.'

Jim was still having trouble finding his voice, but Megan gave him a moment's respite by reaching out and squeezing his hand. 'Congratulations,' she said with a warm smile. 'I was crossing my fingers for you.'

'Me, too, bro,' Steven grinned cheekily, and Jim had no doubt at all that he meant it.

'Thanks,' Jim nodded, not yet ready to smile at either of them. Finally he turned back to his father, who seemed only too aware of how he'd shocked his son. 'Listen, Dad, Jim began carefully. 'I, um, I really appreciate what you're trying to say - and trust me, I tried to get him to come back, I really did. And yes, I suggested I move down there - but he wouldn't hear of it. Not yet. He doesn't know where he'll end up and he doesn't want me trashing my career every six months as he goes from one thing to the next.'

'Yes, well I can't fault that logic, I suppose. But you know I could get him a job, don't you?'

Jim did smile then, 'Yeah, Dad, I know - and I appreciate that. But he needs to do this on his own and I can understand that.'

'Yeah, I guess you would.' William nodded.

'Hey, Dad, why don't you show Jim around the garden?' Steven got to his feet, 'Dad's been planting rose bushes for us - though I've already warned him I don't know anything about them and he'll just have to prune them for us.'

'Oh, yes,' William stood. 'They're out this way.'

As William stepped outside, Jim threw his brother a questioning glance. Steven just shooed him away. 'I think you two need to talk a little.'

Shaking his head, Jim followed his father out into the sunshine. The garden was very pretty and did more than a little to chase away the atmosphere of the city. He walked along the flowerbeds as his father pointed out one plant after another, and gave him a few details on how quickly they grew, and how to best look after them. He paused in front of the rose bushes, still short and stubby and covered only in thorns and a few leaves.

'Of course, they won't see anything from these for a while, but they'll do well next year.'

Jim simply watched his father, seeing him suddenly through different eyes. This man had struggled to balance his home life with a career that was all-important to him. In the process he'd lost more than he'd gained. Only now was he feeling that loss, and these rose bushes were another symbol of his attempts to not so much undo the past, but reform the future. Of course William expected to have to come back and prune the roses - that's why he'd planted them.

'Dad?'

'What?' William turned from studying the roses, to facing his son.

'Thank you.'

William stuck out his jaw and lifted his head a little. 'No reason to thank me. Just saying what I think.'

Jim shrugged. 'I guess I was expecting ... well, you know...'

'Sure. But ... oh, hell, Jimmy, you don't want me explaining myself, do you?'

Jim could only laugh. 'No, of course not, Dad.'

William looked relieved. He shoved his hands into his pockets and looked away, turning his gaze on the rest of the garden. 'So, um, I guess if you and Blair are, um... together, that means you've um, you know...'

'Yes,' Jim replied quickly, before his father felt it necessary to actually use the word 'sex' in relation to his own son and another man.

'And I guess that means you're really sure about this.'

'Yeah. I am. We both are. This is about as permanent as it gets.'

William nodded, pursing his lips a moment. 'Well... okay, then.'

They walked a little further before William spoke again, his tone lighter now. 'What are the chances of convincing Blair to come back for Thanksgiving?'

Jim blinked, then smiled, making sure his father saw it. 'I have no idea - but I'll ask him. With an invitation like that, I might just be able to convince him.'

'Good, good. My grandson will be with us by then and we can have a real family dinner.'

'Sounds great - just don't let Megan hear you say that.'

'Oh, hell, why not? Can't have her thinking I'm getting soft in my old age, can I?'

'No, Dad,' Jim laughed, 'you certainly can't.'

Blair stepped into the shower and tipped his head back into the spray, rinsing salt water from his hair. He squeezed out shampoo and began lathering, his body still rocking and swaying a little from three hours spent surfing - or rather, spent surfing and falling off his board, three hours of having big waves dump on him.

But still, it'd been fun. Perhaps not as much fun as he'd had with Jim, but enough. He'd had to admit, it was a great sport, and he'd be crazy to live on the top of Swami's Beach and not go out as often as he could. And of course, surfing every day only helped remind him of Jim, as though he were almost visiting Jim every morning.

Besides, if Jim was going to be here in a week, he needed to be as fit and rested as he could be - since the chances of them leaving the hotel room for more than a few minutes at a time were fairly slim.

He smiled into the spray as he thought of Jim. Jim of the wonderful smile and the incredible body. Jim the man, the friend, the cop, the sentinel, the lover. He'd had no idea what was going to happen when Jim turned up here, four weeks ago. That Jim would leave five days later, with the two of them as lovers was still something Blair struggled to believe. It just felt so good, so unreal. He'd been dreaming about it, wanting it for so long and now it was his.

Of course, he missed Jim like hell. Almost every moment of every day now had some sort of Jim-tint to it, and every glimpse he had of Jim in his day only served to remind him that while they were together emotionally, they certainly weren't geographically. For the most part, he coped okay, but then at least once every day - usually at night - his body would suddenly crave the gentle touch of his lover, or his ears long for the sound of his voice close by. At times like that, the yearning to be with Jim overpowered him, leaving him almost breathless with its intensity. So far, four weeks had done nothing to dull it.

No, he'd had no idea at all that love would feel like this.

Blair finished his shower and got out. He had things to do today and if he didn't get moving, he'd be late for the first important task on his list. Dried and dressed, he headed downstairs to make a cup of coffee. Daisy was just finishing breakfast cleanup. He waved to her then headed through the bar to the small office he had behind the stairs. He didn't tend to spend too much time in here as it was a tiny pokey room without a window. It had a filing cabinet, a desk and computer and nothing else.

He booted up the computer and got straight into his email. There was an email there from Jim which he wanted to save until later. Instead, he checked out the couple of replies he'd got from hotels in San Diego he'd enquired about. He wanted to choose the place carefully. First, it needed to be comfortable and homey. If they were going to be doing this kind of thing a lot, he wanted to be able to return to the same place again and again, rather than turning these ... conjugal visits into some kind of clandestine, secretive cold dirty weekend.

No, he wanted a small cozy hotel or Bed and Breakfast. Some place that didn't mind two men sharing a bed. Some place close to restaurants and shops, where they could walk to wherever they were going. A place where Blair could park his new car.

Satisfied with the replies, he turned to his orders and was about to open the folder, when Daisy called him.

'Blair? There's a guy here to see you.'

'Be right out,' he called back. He shut down his email and headed out into the bar. There, standing rather nervously in the middle of the room was a young man with a small backpack slung over his shoulder. 'Hey, Guy, how're you doing?'

'Great, Mr. Sandburg,' the young man smiled widely. 'How are you?'

'Well, I'll feel much better if you call me Blair. Come through to the kitchen and I'll introduce you to Daisy.' Blair led Guy into the next room to find Daisy waiting for them. 'Daisy, this is Guy. He's going to be taking over my morning shifts from now on. He's not a surfer, though I'm sure you'll manage to corrupt him in no time.' Blair laughed as Daisy rolled her eyes.

'Hey, Guy,' she offered, turning on the charm. Blair knew the poor kid didn't stand a chance.

'I'll leave you in Daisy's capable hands. She'll show you how everything works.' Blair headed for the kitchen door. 'I'll be in the office if you need anything.'

'Thanks, boss,' Daisy replied, already turning her attention to her new apprentice.

Blair had spent hours pouring over the books to make sure he could actually afford to take on another staff member - but the truth was, he could have afforded it months ago. But he'd been so determined to keep himself completely busy, he'd never really contemplated doing this until Jim had insisted on it.

And of course, Jim was right; Blair really did need some time for himself, some space where he could think and feel and explore and really find whatever it was that got his heart thumping. The sooner he found it, the sooner he and Jim could be together geographically as well.

And perhaps Jim had also been right about them staying together while he did this. Missing Jim in his life every day, dealing with the overpowering yearning was more than enough motivation to force him into action and find the damned answers he needed. Every day that he woke up without Jim at his side, every morning he went surfing without Jim, each phone call and email they shared were constant reminders that he had to find those answers or risk losing something that now meant the whole world to him. This relationship with Jim was not something he was prepared to give up on. Ever.

Blair went behind the bar and picked up the reservation book, along with the receipts for last night. But as he turned back towards the office, he caught sight of somebody standing outside, back to the bar, gazing out at the view. A familiar figure that both filled him with delight - and dread at the same time.

He placed his things back down on the bar and moved to the open door. As he stood there, the breeze dusted across the edge of the cliff, ruffled through the grass and wafted over his face.

For a moment, he simply couldn't speak, but then his voice came back to him, and he took a deep breath.

'Hi, Mom.'

Jim hit print on his screen and reached over to collect the final page of his report as it slid out of the printer. He gave it a last look, signed the bottom and slotted it into the file. Satisfied he was finally up to date with his paperwork, he put the file onto the stack on the corner of his desk, ready for Simon's attention first thing tomorrow morning.

He glanced at his watch. He had just enough time to call Blair before getting back to the airline to confirm his ticket for the weekend.

He could hardly wait. The last four and a half weeks had seemed interminable. For the first couple of days after he'd returned, his senses had felt a little numbed, as though they were trying to adjust to a feast of guide one day, and then a famine the next. Fortunately, they'd settled down after that - but the rest of him was still reeling from what had happened at Encinitas, what had happened in the past and what he was hoping would happen in the future.

It hardly seemed possible after so long waiting and wondering, that they'd actually got together, actually made it this far. And yet, it had indeed happened.

He glanced around the bullpen a moment, gauging how private this call would be - but apart from Megan and Rhonda, he was momentarily alone. He didn't usually call Blair from anywhere but home, as their calls sometimes took on decidedly non G-rated tones. But he would keep this short and then call him again later tonight, once he'd organized everything else.

Dialing the number, he hunched over his desk, pretending to be working on his computer.

'Hello?'

'Hey, Chief, it's me.'

There was a pause, then Blair answered, 'Oh, hi Jim. I wasn't expecting you to call 'till tonight.'

'Well, I just wanted to confirm everything was okay for this weekend before I went back to the airline. The flight will get in around seven on Friday night. I can go straight to where we're staying if you've already got somewhere booked.'

'Um, yeah.' There was another long pause that set the hairs at the back of Jim's neck tingling.

'Blair? Are you okay?'

'Oh, I'm fine, Jim, really.' And his voice almost sounded like that was true. 'Look, um, this weekend. I did find a place for us to stay, but I'm not sure it's going to work.'

'In what way?'

'I'm not sure this weekend is such a good time for you to come after all.'

Jim looked up again to make sure there was nobody listening in to his call before ducking his head again, using the moment to get his increasing worry under control. 'Are you going to tell me why?'

He heard Blair sigh, but there was something else in the tone of his voice, an undercurrent of tension he hadn't heard since before Blair had left Cascade. 'Look, Jim, I just don't think it's a good idea this weekend, that's all. There's stuff I need to do. I know we said regular phone calls and visits and all that, but, really Jim, I need you to give me some space, okay?'

Jim closed his eyes, letting out a breath and hoping his anxiety would go with it. This was exactly what he'd been afraid would happen. 'How much space?'

'Two weeks, maybe three.'

'Three weeks? Can't you at least tell me what's going on? I thought things were going really well. Didn't you get that new kid to start work?'

'Yeah, Jim, he's been here a few days - and it's got nothing to do with that. Other ... stuff has happened, and I need to process.'

'What other stuff?'

There was another long pause here, during which Jim just held his breath. Then Blair murmured, 'My mom's been here the last three days. She left this morning.'

Shit. 'I thought she was in Tierra Del Fuego.'

'She was, but then she was heading to Morocco for the winter and didn't want to go without seeing me.'

'And?'

'And nothing.' Blair sounded very tired. 'Look, Jim, I really can't talk about all this right now, okay? I've got a lot of thinking to do and you... you're .... Well, you're a really big distraction. In a really good way - just not, in a good way for this. I'm not trying to shut you out, I promise you. And things aren't going sour. I love you and I still want us to work. That's kinda why I need the space. I will talk to you about it, I promise. I just ... I don't have anything to tell you yet. Please, Jim, I really need you to understand.'

Jim didn't understand. He'd thought they were good now, that they were communicating and that they had a real relationship going here. That it was exactly what they both wanted, and therefore, was important enough to both of them to work on stuff together. 'Jesus,' he groaned.

'Jim, listen to me,' Blair came back, his voice still strained but a little stronger, more determined. 'Isn't this what you meant that night? When you said it was going to take us time to get used to this, to how it was going to work between us? About how we can't edit what we say to each other, but we need to be careful about over-reacting? Please don't over-react to this, Jim.'

'Chief, I'm not over-reacting.'

'Well it sure sounds like it. I'm getting the strong feeling you don't trust me at all.'

That brought Jim up hard. Blair was right. Jim was sitting there making all kinds of negative assumptions based on old habits - after Blair had made one statement after another assuring him this was nothing of the kind. He had no right to be reacting like this. Blair was simply trying to get on with his life -which is exactly what he was supposed to be doing. Jim should be helping him, not trying to stand in his way.

'You're right, Blair. I'm sorry. I do trust you. It just scares me a little - and I had my heart set on seeing you in a few days.'

Blair's tone changed completely and warmth flooded through it. 'Oh, Jim, me too. I found this great B&B just outside the city. They have these really pretty rooms with private bathrooms and a little sitting area. The people sound great and they don't mind at all that we're two guys. It's exactly the kind of place I was hoping to find. I just don't think this weekend would be a good time for us to meet up, that's all. Give me three weeks, and then we'll go.'

'Promise?'

'Of course I promise.'

Jim sighed, 'I love you, babe. I miss you.'

'I love you too, Jim. And I miss you so much it hurts. But when you come down, I want to be concentrating on you, on us, not on other stuff that'll just get in the way.'

'Okay,' Jim nodded, 'I'll call you in three weeks. Take it easy, okay?'

'Sure, Jim. You too.'

And then he was gone and Jim was left holding the phone, unable to pretend there hadn't been a rush of relief in Blair's voice, or the increased heartbeat he always associated with Blair lying to him.

But he wouldn't, would he? Lie? Not after he'd just made a promise.

Hadn't Jim decided he had to trust Blair? Well, how did that stand when at the very first test, he was questioning everything he'd just been told?

Maybe Blair was right. Maybe they both had some processing to do before they got together again.

The night was quiet now. There'd been a lot of noise earlier, with the bar full of customers, the juke box blaring, calls for orders, laughter and talking, together with the rattle of an off-shore wind against the tin roof.

But it was quieter now. Everybody had gone home, the lights were all turned off leaving Blair with just the wind for company.

He laid on his bed wide awake, still fully dressed, his subconscious apparently unwilling to let the day end enough for him to get his clothes off and fall asleep.

He missed Jim. Lying on his side, he could look at the empty half of the bed and imagine Jim lying there asleep, his face relaxed and softened, at ease at last. Exactly the way Blair wasn't.

He got up, sitting on the edge of the bed, his hands at his sides, then clasped in front of him, then at his sides again. He stood, walked to the bathroom door, then turned back again, knowing he didn't need to go. He reached for the beer he'd left on the beside table, but put it down again, not thirsty.

He needed something, but he had no idea what, or how to find out.

No, that wasn't true. He knew what he needed: Jim. But that was exactly what he couldn't have.

Another gust of wind rattled the windows and he looked up. Outside it was pitch black, enough clouds overhead to blot out the moon. But the darkness drew him on, until he had the French windows sliding open, until he was standing on the balcony, gazing out into the inky distance.

It made no difference. No matter where he stood, or sat or lay, it was still there, waiting for him, blotting out everything else, wiping everything away until there was just Blair and the plain, stark reality.

With a sigh, he sat down on the deck, his back against the glass, his knees folded up, arms wrapped around them.

Naomi's visit hadn't been as bad as he'd expected when he first saw her standing out there. Not that it had been easy exactly, but somehow, there'd been so much clarity in his sight in that moment, that forgiveness had come smoothly, followed quickly by the deep and profound love he'd always had for her.

They'd talked over the days she'd been here, but he'd told her none of his deeper thoughts. It was no longer appropriate for him to burden her with his hesitations, his doubts, his denials. Instead, he told her about Jim. About how they were in love and the fact she wasn't likely to become a grandmother. About his desire to find a new path for his life, a path that might take him a long time to find. About his absolute need to have Jim as part of that new path.

She'd been disturbed by that - but then, she'd known since he was a child that anthropology was where his heart lay and for her, the need for change was something that happened outside of her field of view. He'd always known she was self-absorbed. It wasn't the right time for him to demand she face up to reality when he was having such a hard time doing it himself.

So she'd gone again. In his life one moment, and out the next. A freeze-framed connection quickly severed. Finally, he truly understood what to detach with love really meant.

It wasn't her detachment that was required - but his.

But detaching himself was so very, very hard. He liked his place here, his job, the people he worked with. He loved this cliff, this apartment, the beach below. And he loved Jim so very much. Detaching from all this had now become about as simple and easy as detaching from his previous life had been.

And yet, he knew he had to do it. Knew that for him to call Jim, to have him here, or even to go speak to Daisy would be enough to strengthen ties he knew he needed to sever.

It was the only way. The only way he could see forward, see inside himself, see the one thing he needed to see...

The one thing he'd been running from for more than a year. The one, last truth that scared him so much he couldn't sleep, couldn't sit still and had put his very soul into pretending didn't exist.

But now, sitting out on the balcony, his hair ruffled by the wind, with nobody around for company but himself, the truth came in, sat down in front of him and demanded he pay attention.

In that moment he knew he'd failed. All that running, all that hiding, that taking time, that meditation, the hard work, the rebuilt relationships - that had all been for nothing. This truth had never left him in all that time.

And now it was time to face it. To accept it. To let his heart open to it. Time to stand on his own two feet, to rule his own life, to turn his back on the fear.

It was time to take that last, final step.

Jim had worked hard all day to keep his mind off the date. And it hadn't been all that difficult considering he'd been called out early to attend a crime scene down by the docks. A double homicide of two of Cascade's better known drug traffickers. The investigation had lasted until half-way through the afternoon, when the Feds had turned up, asked for his files and taken the case off him. He'd barely had a chance to ask why, when Joel had called, saying he needed Jim's help with a snitch they had working for another case involving a missing legitimate shipment of small arms. Only that case had gone sour as well, when the snitch had seen something in the crowd he didn't like and ran. Chasing after him had left Jim with a twisted knee, skinned knuckles and the snitch in lockup. And after all that, the information they'd got on the whereabouts of the arms had turned up negative.

Then just to make the day absolutely perfect, Simon had told him - in confidence - that he'd made it to the short list for the position of Deputy Chief. Something in Jim's gut warned him that Simon would get the job. While that was great news for his friend, it nevertheless left Jim wondering what he'd get as a replacement Captain - and where that would leave his sentinel abilities.

So he'd had plenty of things to distract him during the day, but even all that hadn't made an impression on the twisting tension coiled in his stomach, knowing that in two days he would call Blair again, after three solid, heavy and deafening weeks of silence.

He arrived home long after dark. He was only hungry enough for soup and toast. He showered afterwards, slipping into comfortable sweats, a part of him knowing he was wasn't going to make it.

Finally, with a beer half-drunk, the TV on but the volume off, he couldn't wait any longer. What difference, after all, would two lousy days make? He'd given Blair almost three weeks - wasn't that enough? He picked up the phone, sat in Blair's usual corner on the couch and dialed the number he'd long since memorized.

It rang five times before it was answered. Immediately, he could hear the noise of a busy night in the bar rumbling in the background. Then Daisy's voice came to him.

'Dougall's Bar, Daisy speaking.'

'Hi, Daisy, it's Jim.'

'Oh, hi, Jim.'

Jim's heart immediately started pounding at the tell-tale tone of her voice. But he asked the question anyway. 'Is Blair around?'

'Just a second.' He heard her cover the phone, but his hearing picked up on small sounds, her heartbeat, the muffled bar, her footsteps and then the opening and shutting of a door. When she came back to him, the background noise was substantially quieter. 'Sorry, Jim, I couldn't hear you properly.'

'Can I speak to Blair?' He asked tightly.

'Ah, no.' Daisy's puzzlement filled her words. 'No, Jim, he's um, gone.'

'When will he be back?'

'Well, he's not. He left. Took all his stuff. I thought you knew. I thought he was moving back to Cascade.'

'Fuck!' Jim gasped in a breath and sat back on the couch, his head resting back, his face reddening with anger or something, he didn't care what. 'When did he leave?'

'Three weeks ago.'

'Three weeks! Why the hell ... Look, Daisy, you have to tell me everything. Did he say where he was going?'

'No, he just said he had to go. He gave me his keys, called the owner, Jack D and left me in charge until they can get a new manager.' Daisy's distress was evident. 'I honestly thought he'd decided to move back with you.'

'Did he say that? That he was coming back to Cascade?'

'No. He just told me stuff about the Bar then said he had to go. I'm really sorry, Jim. I wish I could tell you more. I thought you two were ... well, you looked real happy together.'

'We were,' Jim murmured, closing his eyes. Looked happy. Sure, they must have looked happy. After all, hadn't Jim been taken in by those looks, himself?

He wanted to yell down the phone at her, that she should have done everything she could to keep Blair there, to call him the moment things turned sour, or at least call him the moment Blair left so he could have done something, anything...

But what could he do? Blair was his lover - had been his lover - not Jim's property. If Blair wanted to leave, it was his choice.

'Look, Daisy, I'm sorry.'

'That's okay, Jim. I understand. I just wish there was something I could do. He'd been fine until his Mom visited. Then he got real quiet. And the day after she went, he left. I'm so sorry, Jim.'

'Yeah, I know. Thanks. Look, um, if you hear anything from him please call me, okay?'

'I will.'

'Thanks again, Daisy. Good luck.'

'Same to you.'

Jim pressed the disconnect on the phone, then sat there staring at it. Staring at a life that had been in turmoil for almost eighteen months. A life that had looked like it was finally starting to take some sort of shape, look like something he really wanted and needed.

Only now it was all gone. All of it. Every hope he'd had, every effort he'd made, everything he'd said and not said. All gone, leaving him with just memories of a beautiful golden man, over five, beautiful golden days.

When he saw the first tear land on his hand, he blinked the rest away, lifted the phone, and, with all his strength, threw it at the brick wall. But he was deaf to the sound of it smashing, of the pieces landing all over the hard wooden floor. Deaf to everything but the sound of hope dying.

He didn't want to go to work the next day, but he forced himself to only because he knew that if he didn't, Simon would call and somehow he'd get the whole, sad, pathetic story out of Jim and that would quite literally, be the very last straw for him. But he went through his morning more numb than he could have thought possible. He did everything on autopilot, showering, shaving, dressing, driving. None of it required any concentration or effort, so he gave it none.

It took Joel all of fifteen minutes to get up the courage to ask him if he was okay. He knew that fourteen of those minutes were filled with Joel debating with himself about whether Jim considered him a good enough friend to ask - which was what took the sting out of his flat, 'I'm fine.'

But it was only a few minutes after that when a desperate, annoying, insistent voice buried somewhere beneath his anger finally cajoled him into listening.

Hadn't he said he trusted Blair? And how many times had he said it? How many occasions had it proved that he didn't - and how many of those times had he learned that he should have?

But it was so hard to reconcile the Blair in Encinitas, who he'd made love to again and again, whose warm voice had spoken to him with such love and confidence - with the Blair that had simply disappeared, leaving no word for Jim, nothing for him to hold onto except a frail trust that didn't seem to be paying attention to the facts.

He wanted to trust. He really did. But how could he when everything inside him was screaming that Blair had deserted him - again - just like everybody else had.

When Joel came back with coffees for them, he could at least be civil and apologize for snapping earlier. Then they dived into their current caseload, talking to the snitch again, following up on their only other lead, watching that turn into another dead end, then finally getting an anonymous call that took them to a chicken packing house on the east side of the city.

Jim didn't need to dial down his sense of smell - he could hardly smell anything at all. Hearing and sight worked okay, but taste had disappeared and he could feel only enough to use his body, no more.

Joel gave him a stern glance now and then, but they had little time to discuss matters in between the interrogation of the packing plant owner, and chasing the floor manager when he decided to run. Jim's twisted knee gave him a little trouble, but he barely felt any pain. They caught the guy, found the weapons buried beneath a ton and a half of chicken guts, and made three other arrests before the day was out. He had his report typed and on Simon's desk before six p.m.

Which left him driving home again, facing the loft again without having really noticed any of the day at all. He fell asleep hoping the next day would be just the same.

He woke to dreadful pain in his knee. He limped down the stairs, took a shower, wrapped a bandage around his knee then rummaged through the box of medications Blair had approved for these things, taking two pills before heading off to work again.

He'd barely arrived at his desk however, when Joel brought him coffee and sat down beside him. Keeping his voice low, Joel demonstrated the courage he'd once employed as head of the bomb squad.

'You have to talk to me, Jim. We're partners. I need to know what's going on.'

'Nothing's going on, Joel.'

'Are you feeling okay? I'm no expert, but I got the impression yesterday that your senses are playing up.'

Jim frowned, 'They're fine.'

'Really? Is that why you didn't have any trouble with all that dead chicken lying around? Man, I was ready to puke myself - and you didn't even notice. Yeah, Jim, I think your senses are playing up. You need to talk to me, Jim. Trust me. I know I'm not Blair, but maybe I can help.'

'You can't, Joel. Look, I appreciate the offer, but I'm fine, really. Just give me a couple of days and I'll be back to normal.' Jim said this more out of habit than from any real belief. If he was honest with himself, he knew he would never be back to normal, but there was no point admitting that now.

Joel would have pressed further, but then Megan came up to his desk with a piece of paper in her hand. She gave Jim a measuring look, but simply told them of a new case. They were next on the list and it was theirs. Jim grabbed his coat and headed out of the bullpen, knowing Joel would be behind him.

The day didn't get any better. In fact, it was the worst possible kind of day. The sort of day that always left him with nightmares and made him miss Blair more acutely than usual.

A little girl. Five years old. Beaten to death by the father that had been sexually abusing her for the last two years. Chasing him down took most of the day, but they got him eventually, as he was turned in by his workmates who hadn't looked kindly on him not only being a sexual predator, but also a child murderer.

Fortunately for Jim, the guy put up considerable resistance to his arrest, leaving Jim no option but to subdue him in the most satisfying way. The guy was still conscious when Joel put the cuffs on him, and there'd been plenty of witnesses to the fight so Jim didn't have any concerns about charges being laid against him - but that didn't stop him feeling sick as he drove back to the PD, knowing full well he'd used more force than he'd really needed, and hoping that he'd only done it because of the little girl and not because of the undeniable rage that rattled around inside him like a wounded lion inside a poorly made cage.

As he typed up his reports, he kept pausing, his mind wandering back to the fight. He could only get back to work by constantly reminding himself that this was why he'd become a cop, so that he could get guys like this - and hopefully, the next one of these monsters that crossed his path would do so before the child got killed.

No comfort to this poor girl or her mother. Little comfort to him - but it was all he had.

All he was ever likely to have.

Unless he trusted.

Could he do that? Really? Wouldn't that just be a little like clinging on to religion just because you were afraid of dying?

No. He had real solid reasons to trust Blair. Incontrovertible facts lined up as a concrete foundation. The only time Blair had failed him - if it could be counted as such - was in not removing Jim's name from the diss before his mother could do something stupid with it. There simply wasn't another occasion where his trust in Blair had proved misplaced.

So where did that leave him now? He was still alone. Blair was still missing and not likely to come back. Jim had no answers beyond knowing he loved Blair more than he'd ever thought possible.

He sighed. He had another answer, one he should have faced a long time ago: how could any man love another so much without trusting him? Sure, he was afraid of getting hurt, but wasn't everybody? Wasn't Blair? And yet Blair had loved him and trusted him all this time, though Jim had given him plenty of reasons not to.

He closed his eyes a moment, taking in a deep breath. Quite deliberately, he pictured himself in some desperate situation, where his life hung in the balance, where he himself was helpless but where he could choose to have the help of only one person.

The answer didn't make him smile - but it did ease him inside a little. He did trust Blair. No matter how angry he was, or how disappointed, he still trusted Blair. And if Blair had gone - well, it just meant that he had to. Knowing how it would hurt Jim, there was no way Blair would go unless it was imperative.

And yeah, okay, that did make him feel a little better. Once the anger and disappointment wore off, then yes, it was probably enough to help him get by. That didn't mean he was happy about it, though. Trust wasn't much of a substitute for the man himself, here in his arms.

Shaking his head, he finally turned back to his report. He was almost done when H picked up his jacket and walked across the bullpen. 'Hey, Jim, we're all heading down to Murphy's for a drink. You comin'?'

He was about to say no, when he realized that a drink was exactly what he needed. And if he had a few too many, he could trust his friends not to let him drive home - or drive himself into a brick wall or two. So he nodded, 'Sure. I'll see you down there.'

Concentrating on his report, Jim didn't notice at first that he was almost the last one left in the bullpen. He looked up to find Joel sitting in Simon's office with the door closed. He could just see them through the cracks in the drawn blinds. He didn't need to push his hearing to find out what they were talking about.

A phone rang, making Jim jump - but Rhonda answered it, leaving him to get back to finishing his report. He printed and signed it, shoved it into the folder and got to his feet. Gathering the last threads of his courage, he took it to the door of Simon's office and knocked.

'Come in, Jim.'

He pushed the door open to find Joel on his feet ready to leave. 'Hey, Jim, is that the report?'

'Yep.'

'Great.' Joel gave him a smile full of understanding that looked more like pity to Jim. 'You going down to Murphy's?'

'Sure.'

'I'll see you there. You, too, Simon.'

As his partner left, Jim moved forward to drop the file on Simon's desk. He would have left then, but he knew he'd never get away with it. Before he could even turn, Simon said, 'Close the door, Jim.'

He sighed and shut the door, facing Simon with what little patience he had left.

'Take a seat.'

'No, thank you, sir. I'd rather stand for this.'

Simon watched him for a moment, his fingers steepled together, his expression unreadable behind his glasses. Then he nodded. 'I think it's time you made a decision, Jim.'

'About what?'

'About whether you really want to stay a cop.'

Jim looked away but kept his silence.

'Joel's been telling me about the problems you're having with your senses.'

'There isn't a problem.'

'That's not how he sees it - and he's your partner. It's his job to know, to help you - and he can't do that when you won't talk to him. And if you don't talk to him, you can't work it out. How long do you expect to stay alive with that attitude?'

'Simon, I'm fine.'

'It doesn't look that way from here.'

'Look,' Jim tried his reasonable tone, spreading his hands, 'it's been a rough day. You were lucky - you didn't have to look at that poor little girl's body.'

'Which is why you nearly beat her father to a pulp?'

'Shit, Simon, that's an exaggeration and you know it.'

'No, I don't know it, Jim. All I do know is that you're very lucky you're not up on charges. Your behaviour the last couple of days has been terse and erratic at best. You're not communicating with your partner and you're not paying attention to your own body. I've worked with you long enough to know that's a recipe for disaster so I'm asking you again, Jim, do you really want to stay a cop, because from where I'm sitting, you don't seem too sure any more.'

Jim had no answer for him. Truth was, he wasn't sure any more. Hadn't been for a long time. For all his insistence to Blair that he find something he felt passionate about - Jim couldn't remember the last time he'd felt that way about his own chosen profession.

'Listen, Jim, I know things have been tough for you since Sandburg left, but I honestly thought you were getting a handle on it.' Simon got to his feet and came around the desk, more friend than captain now. 'I'm not going to deny that I'm worried about you and with things as they stand, I'm not entirely sure this is where you should be.'

'What are you saying, Simon? That you think I should resign?'

Simon met his gaze for a moment, before shrugging. 'That's up to you. You know I think you're a damned good cop and I'd hate to see you leave. But it's got nothing to do with what I think. Besides, I have other things to take into account.'

'Like what?'

Simon pursed his lips then said, 'I've just got off the phone to the Chief's office. They're offering me the job, Jim.'

Jim was very proud of the fact that his first reaction was a smile. He stuck out his hand, 'Congratulations, Simon. You deserve it.'

Simon afforded himself a smile in return. He shook Jim's hand. 'Thanks. The prospect terrifies me, I can tell you - but it's the next step for me, I know that much.'

'You'll do a great job.'

'I hope so.' Simon sat back on the edge of his desk and folded his arms. 'Which brings me back to you. You and your senses. Now, you can't say a word of this to anyone until it's official, but the strongest contender to take over from me - is Joel.'

Some small thread of tension inside Jim's gut unwound at that. 'Joel? He'd be great.'

'Yeah, he would. He's got my recommendation and plenty of others, so we're all crossing our fingers. And of course, if he does get it, then you'll be relieved not to have to explain to a complete stranger about your senses. Joel's already proved he can work with you on that score and he'd give you as much support as I have over the years. If you do decide to stick around, you'll have that much going for you at least.'

Jim blew out a breath, feeling a hell of a lot better all of a sudden. He even managed half a smile. 'You're right. And yes, it makes a difference knowing that.'

Simon nodded, 'I thought it might. However, it does leave you in something of a no-man's-land.'

'Why?'

'Neither Joel nor I are willing to let you go out on the street without a partner.'

Jim groaned. 'Shit, Simon, don't do this to me, please. I've had more partners this year than Rafe's had new suits. Can't you just let me try it and see how I go?'

'After today? No, I can't. And to be honest, I think the fact that you've had so many partners has been part of the problem. You need to develop a working relationship with one person, build up a trust the way you did with Sandburg.'

'But Simon-'

Simon held up his hand, 'This is not up for discussion, Jim. Whether Joel gets my job or not, you've got a new partner. I've already talked to Joel and he's in complete agreement. You need somebody who's not afraid of your moods and who can stand up to you. And, Jim, I'm not joking here when I say I want full disclosure on your part about the senses. You're to give him everything Sandburg wrote on the subject, including the dissertation. You can have a couple of days with him to show him how they work and explain to him what you need him to do.'

'Shit, Simon, it's not that easy!' Jim took a few steps away to the window and then back again. 'It's not just a case of giving me a new partner. Sandburg was my guide. I can't just go out shopping for a new one.'

'Maybe not - but you'll have to make do.' Simon's expression shifted, and became hard again. 'You've got two choices, Jim. A new partner, or you resign. It's up to you. So basically, we're back to my first question - do you really still want to be a cop?'

'Yes, yes I do!' The answer was urged out of him from deep inside, without any help from his conscious mind, leaving him stumbling for purchase. He straightened up, took in a breath and faced Simon again, nodding a little, more calm now that he actually had an answer for his own peace of mind. 'Yes, I do.'

Simon met his gaze again, as though he'd never been in any doubt. 'That's what I thought.' He glanced at his watch, then moved back around his desk to shut down his computer and put some papers back into a file. 'The official announcements will be made tomorrow, so I'd appreciate it if you said nothing in the meantime. You know how the rumour mill works around here.'

'Of course.'

'Now I'm going down to Murphy's. I'll expect you there later.'

'Why later?'

'Because your new partner arrived about twenty minutes ago and I think this would be a good time for you two to get acquainted.'

'Oh, hell, Simon - today? Can't it wait until tomorrow?'

'Nope.' Simon picked up his coat and slipped his arms into it. His expression held no sympathy at all. 'Remember what I said. Full disclosure. And you can take tomorrow and Friday to get yourselves up to operational. After that, I want no more of this shit from you, do I make myself clear?'

Jim looked away, feeling more than a little like he used to when his father had punished him for misbehaving - which was mostly because that was exactly how he'd been behaving. He nodded. 'Sure, okay. As long as you think this guy is trustworthy.'

'I do. He's no rookie, so you won't have to break him in. He's transferring in from Tacoma and comes highly recommended. He has a lot of experience and his profile tells me you'll work well together, although he might be a bit skeptical about the senses until you strut your stuff for him.'

Just for good measure, Jim let out one more noisy sigh. 'Fine. Where is he?'

'Waiting outside. I'll go get him. In the meantime, you might want to dust off your welcoming smile, a little there, Jim. Mmn?'

'Sure, Simon.' Jim moved to the window and looked down at the street. The lights were coming on now that the days were getting a little shorter. In a few weeks, the colder weather would start to make itself known and they'd be back on the fast track to winter. The thought of spending another cold winter in the loft alone made his stomach turn to ice.

And now he'd have to do it all with a new partner. Simon was expecting him to just trust a man he didn't even know, when trust was something he already had way too much trouble with. But what choice did he have? It was either that or unemployment.

Or he could pick something out of the box file that still sat on the table at home. Do something else with his life. Take control of his own life at last.

Yeah.

That's what he really wanted. Control. The ability to make his own decisions, to no longer be the pawn of powers he couldn't influence. He already had his private dick's license. It would take no time at all to set himself up in business. And then maybe he could try to find Blair, maybe try again to make it work for them. It might make a difference if Jim wasn't already a cop. If he had no ties to anything, perhaps that would be enough to keep them together.

Yeah.

'Jim?' Simon had returned but Jim kept his gaze on the city below.

'Sorry, Simon, I've changed my mind.'

'We'll talk about that later, Jim. Right now I want you to meet Detective -'

Jim sighed and turned around.

'- Blair Sandburg.'

He froze.

Blair stood before him, wearing a button-down shirt, jacket and chinos. His long hair was tied back out of the way. His hands were in his trouser pockets and hanging from the breast pocket of his shiny new jacket was a shiny new gold detective's badge.

It took Jim a long time to force his gaze to meet Blair's. There was a smile there, fringed with a clearly visible aura of nervous terror.

Jim's brain had completely stopped working. He had no control over his body, or his facial muscles. He could only stand there and stare, utterly certain after a moment, that he was imagining the entire thing and that at any second, Simon would poke his arm and tell him to get with it.

Except that Simon did no such thing. He just pulled a cigar from his pocket, chomped it between his teeth and gave a chuckle. 'Well, I think I'll leave you two to get acquainted. Jim, when you're done here, bring our new boy down to Murphy's to meet everyone okay?'

Jim didn't answer, but Simon didn't seem to expect one. Instead, he laughed again and left, closing the door behind him, leaving Jim alone with his disbelief.

Leaving Jim alone with Blair.

'Is this ...' He stopped, cleared his throat and began again. 'Is this ... real?'

Blair nodded, but didn't move otherwise, as though he wasn't sure how Jim was going to react.

'I...' Jim paused again, 'I thought I'd ... never see you again.'

'But why would you ...' Blair's eyes widened, and his face flashed pale in horror. 'You called? Oh, shit, Jim I didn't think you'd call until tonight! I thought I'd get here before ... Oh, god, no!' Blair took half a step forward, but stopped, seemingly still unsure about what Jim was feeling.

But reaction's beyond Jim. This just didn't seem real. A few minutes ago he was looking down the barrel at a dark, lonely life and now... 'What ... I mean, how ...' he gestured at the badge. 'What are you doing here?'

Blair swallowed, 'I spoke to Simon, asked him to make some calls for me. I went to the Academy at Tacoma. They weren't overjoyed exactly, but they let me finish my weapons training and then all I had to do was sit the exams. I didn't exactly ace everything, since it's been more than a year that I last studied, but I did well enough to graduate.'

'So, you're really a detective?'

'Yeah.'

'And you're really my new partner?'

Blair's voice emerged gently. 'Permanent, official partner, yeah.'

Jim reached for a chair. He pulled it out and gratefully sank into it, not sure the shock was going to let his legs keep working for much longer. 'But what about ... You completed your weapons training? I thought you wouldn't do that. Didn't you say you couldn't bring yourself to carry a gun?'

Blair nodded, his expression softening. He took a step forward, 'Yeah. I did. Don't worry, Jim. I can deal with it.'

Jim began shaking his head. 'No. This isn't you. This isn't what you-'

'Yes, it is, Jim.' Blair came closer. 'It's exactly me.'

Looking up to meet his gaze, Jim frowned. 'No, it isn't. Not with guns, Sandburg. This is exactly why you couldn't do this before.'

'I couldn't do it before because I didn't understand, Jim.' Blair took a breath to gather himself, as though he'd expected all these questions and had his answers ready, knowing it would be hard to convince him. He spread his hands, 'How many times did I tell you back then, that I could have finished my diss a dozen times over, that I was stalling because I couldn't face going back to academia? How many times did you tell me to stay back, or stay in the truck, but I ignored you? How many nights did I sit with you on stakeouts, or working on files, or getting up at some ungodly hour of the morning to go out to a crime scene or question some witness?'

Jim could only shake his head, his gaze drinking in the presence of his lover, his mind struggling to grasp the reality facing him.

Blair's hands continued to fly as he went on, his voice full of the enthusiasm and conviction of old. 'Jim, don't you see? This is what I'm passionate about. Doing this job. I just got so caught up with the whole press conference I couldn't see it. And back then, when you offered me the job, it just felt like pity, that I had to take it because I had nothing else. I felt like such a failure, and so guilty about what had happened that I couldn't see, couldn't understand what I really wanted.'

Blair pulled in a breath before he continued. 'But it's just like I told you - the discovery is part of the process. I had to find out for myself that this is what I want to do with my life. I don't like the whole gun thing, and you'll never get me to change my mind on the issue of gun control - but that doesn't mean I can't be a cop. I recognize that the gun is just as much a tool as anything else - like your senses. I worked with you for three years - I know full well the circumstances under which people get killed and I know I can deal with it. Please, Jim, trust me. This is what I want to do, where I want to be.'

Jim stared at him, the silence filling the room. Two days ago, Blair had vanished from his life, leaving him with nothing more than regret and an agony that was slowly eating him from the inside. But now... now he was actually here, in the flesh, concerned, qualified and beautiful. A cop. His partner.

As though every prayer he'd ever uttered had been answered.

He closed his eyes a moment, just barely holding on, too shaken to really say what he was thinking, to even sort through the battering ram of emotions currently crashing around inside him. But then he opened his eyes and found his hand reaching out to touch the cold metal of the badge. 'My god, Blair,' he whispered, his gaze rising to those fathomless dark blue eyes. 'I thought I'd lost you for good.'

Blair's gaze met his, close and intimate, shutting the rest of the world out the way they had done the last night they'd made love. 'I'm right here, man. I am not going anywhere without you.'

'Blair...' Jim whispered, then wrapped his arms around Blair's waist and pulled the man to him. Blair held on as Jim buried his face against Blair's stomach, breathing in as deeply as he could, insisting his senses hurry up and balance themselves, so he could stop shaking, so he could stop wanting to cry, or yell, or just... just...

Blair caressed his head, his voice soft and so very full of love. 'I'm so sorry, Jim. I honestly thought I'd be back here in time. I should have called, should have ... wanted it to be a surprise for you...'

Jim didn't let him say more. Instead, he stood, captured Blair's face between his hands and kissed him deeply. Then he had his arms around Blair again and held him close. Very close. Close enough so that he would never, ever have to let go again.

The elevator pinged as they reached the basement parking garage. Blair stepped out but paused when he realized Jim wasn't behind him. He turned to find Jim staring at him, as though he still couldn't quite believe Blair was really there.

Blair just grinned. Jim blinked at him a moment, then flushed a little before moving.

'Where are you parked?' Jim asked.

'Over there,' Blair pointed. Jim strode in that direction, until he paused in front of Blair's car - a three-year-old dark blue Camry.

'Nice car. Bit flashy for you, though,' Jim commented dryly. 'Where's your stuff?'

'Simon's. He offered me his spare room until I could find a place of my own.'

Jim didn't look at him, but instead, continued to look at the car as though he were thinking of buying it.

'What's wrong?'

With a little shake of the head, Jim brushed the question away. 'You want to go to Murphy's? Simon's expecting us and I know you'll want to say hi to the guys.'

'Sure, if you want.' Blair frowned and took a step closer. He really wanted to reach out and touch, to hold and caress, to keep telling Jim how much Blair had missed him, how this was supposed to be a nice surprise for him and everything. But of course, they were in public, at the PD no less and Jim was still suffering a little shell-shock - which only made Blair feel more guilty. 'Jim, talk to me. What's going on?'

Jim almost flinched at the question, then glanced away, his gaze narrowing as he took in the other cars moving in and out of the garage, the blaze of daylight showing along the street. Finally, he formed an answer. 'You were about the last person I expected to see walk into that office. For almost a year and a half, I've got so used to being here, in Cascade, at work without you. And now, here you are. It's just a little... well, it's going to take me a little time to get used to it.'

Blair stood as close as he could get away with. 'And?'

Jim spread his arms wide, 'And what do we do now? What ... What happens next?'

'Well, we could go to Murphy's and have a drink. Then I was thinking we could go grab some dinner and talk.'

But Jim was shaking his head again, frowning as though Blair was talking nonsense. 'No, I mean with us. What happens next with us?'

Understanding dawned on Blair somewhat like a sledgehammer hitting him in the side of the head. 'Oh. Um.'

Jim finally turned to look at him, 'Are we in or out? Do we tell Simon? Or Joel, if he takes over? Is there still an us to worry about?'

Blair met his gaze, the worry that had been eating him inside finally flowing away in light of Jim's questions. He counted his responses off on his fingers, 'Um, I don't know, only if you want to, same again, and absolutely, positively yes there is.'

Jim blinked at him a moment as he processed Blair's answers, but there was a smile creasing his eyes as he did so. Then he nodded, once, and some of the shadows lifted then. 'Sure, okay. Yeah, we need to talk. So, I guess the question is, do you really want to go to Murphy's, 'cause frankly, Chief, I'd rather we just had a little time to ourselves.'

'Yeah,' Blair grinned, bouncing on the balls of his feet. 'Me too.'

'So... my place?'

'Okay.'

'You, um, don't really want to stay at Simon's, do you?'

'Nah, not really.'

'Good. So, how about you stop by his place, pick up your stuff and I'll get some take-out and meet you back at the loft?'

'Sounds like a plan.'

For a moment, Blair knew they must look like a pair of idiots, just standing there, staring at each other with stupid grins on their faces. But then Jim stepped back, letting him get to his car.

'See you in about an hour?'

'I'll be waiting.'

Blair got in then, starting the motor, before putting the car in gear. He glanced once more at Jim to find him already walking towards where he'd parked the truck.

Jim was right. It did feel strange being back in Cascade. Everything was so familiar, and yet not. There were weird currents to the air, and the atmosphere seemed positively alien. But it also felt right, like home, like he was supposed to be here.

Of course, he'd wondered as he'd driven to Tacoma. He'd wondered on his first day of weapons training, and every time he sat one of his exams. And every single minute he'd spent then driving to Cascade with his badge sitting on the seat beside him, he'd honestly still been asking himself whether this was really the absolutely right thing to do.

And then he'd reached the city limits, caught sight of the familiar view and every moment after that had only confirmed in his mind that his heart had been right all along.

This was the place, this was the job. No doubt at all any more.

So with his grin firmly in place, he pulled out of the garage and headed for Simon's place. He had keys, and he could leave a note - but in the end, he knew Simon wouldn't be at all surprised to not only have them not turn up to Murphy's for a drink, but to find Blair wasn't staying with him after all.

Jim obviously had no idea that Simon had known about them all along. Known and turned a blind eye. Don't ask, don't tell.

Well, Blair would explain it all to Jim later. Much, much later. After all, they had important things to... er discuss tonight.

Jim drove blindly for the first five minutes, unable to see much of the road when all he could think about was turning to find Detective Sandburg looking up at him.

Detective. Blair was here. Really here. Here to stay.

He felt like jumping up and down with joy, like some five-year-old, but it wasn't exactly the kind of thing he could do while driving a car. At least, not if he wanted to get home in one piece - which he did.

So, he had to concentrate. Dinner: Take-out Chinese? No, way too boring. Mongolian, yeah. There was that new place just off Prospect, so he wouldn't have to go too far out of his way. What else? He had plenty of beer and wine and ... and...

Condoms. He needed to stop at a pharmacy. And he needed to buy lube.

He pulled up at the first pharmacy he came to, feeling a little out of himself as he strode inside and marched up and down the isles until he found what he was looking for. He purchased a large box of condoms and two tubes of water-based lube. He wasn't imagining the sideways glance the young sales assistant gave him as she put his purchases into a bag. But he just smiled and thanked her and strode back out to the truck.

Ten minutes later he was picking up the Mongolian, after having called in his order as he drove. Another five minutes and he was walking into the loft. He put the food into the oven to keep warm, then rushed upstairs to change the sheets. He knew he was probably just being paranoid, but he couldn't quite get his mind to remember the last time he'd changed them, though he knew it couldn't be more than a few days ago. Still, if he did get Blair up here tonight, he'd want to have clean sheets on the bed, wouldn't he?

Done, he unwrapped the box of condoms and broke the seal on a tube of lube, ready for use. He stowed them in a bedside drawer, grabbed the dirty sheets and took them downstairs to shove into the laundry basket. He opened a beer and drank half of it, then opened a bottle of red wine, just for the hell of it. After that, he stood in the middle of the living room, trying to work out what else he could do to make this perfect.

He lit a fire, just a small one, more for looks than warmth, though the evening was a little cool. Then he dashed to the shelf under the bathroom sink and pulled out all the small candles Blair used to use for meditation - and other things.

He placed them all around the loft and after a moment's pause, lit them. By the time he'd done that, he'd finished his beer and was about to open another, when he heard the elevator ping. He had the front door open and was standing there waiting before he even realized what he was doing.

Blair was there, laden down with a couple of bags. 'Hey, man. Wanna give me a hand?'

Despite a rather adolescent urge to stand there and applaud, Jim nodded, snicked the lock and headed down the passage to help Blair with his bags. There wasn't that much stuff - he'd left most of it in the loft a year ago. But still, the effort was more symbolic than anything, leaving Jim a little breathless as he dumped the last load and locked the door behind them.

He turned to find Blair standing in the middle of the loft, looking around him, a fish very much out of water. He probably should have left Blair alone then, to get his bearings on his own, but Jim's urgency would have none of it. Instead, he poured Blair a glass of wine and headed into the kitchen to get the food ready. By the time he had it dished up, the table had been set and he brought the plates over, placing one in front of Blair without daring to look at him.

But Blair didn't eat immediately and Jim was forced to look up. 'What? You don't like Mongolian?'

Blair's smile was slow and beautiful. 'I love Mongolian, Jim.'

Jim found himself smiling, despite his urgency. 'Good.' He ate mechanically, clearing his plate the same way he used to when he was in the army, tasting little more than to be sure the food was edible. Blair was finished by the time he'd cleared his plate away and he washed the dishes with the same clear efficiency he'd been automatically employing since leaving Blair to drive to Simon's.

He was winding himself up and he knew it. He also knew that if he didn't stop soon, something was going to go bust.

But he hadn't counted on there being somebody else here who understood him only too well. A pair of large, warm hands slid onto his shoulders from behind as he finished wiping down the kitchen counter. The hands massaged his muscles a little, then moved south until they could slip around his waist.

Blair held him then, breathing in deeply and Jim dropped everything to turn and take the man in his arms. He took his own breaths then, burying his face in against the back of Blair's neck.

'God, I missed you, Jim.'

'Missed you too, babe.'

'I'm here, Jim. You can relax now.'

''kay.'

''M not going anywhere.'

Jim's only response was to take another deep breath, and another until he could smell the truth on Blair. And something he hadn't smelled in a long, long time.

Happiness.

There was no stopping him then. Without a word, he began kissing Blair, carefully, but purposefully slipping the jacket from his shoulders, unbuttoning his shirt, getting him half-naked with a mind to getting them upstairs.

'Jim?' Blair put his head back, leaving his throat open to Jim's kisses.

'Yeah?'

'We gonna do it in the kitchen?'

'If you want.'

Blair laughed a little, then grabbed Jim's face between his hand and gave him a fierce kiss. 'Man, you'd do it anywhere I suggested, wouldn't you?'

'Pretty much, yeah.' Jim could only laugh at himself.

'Would you mind if we went upstairs? It'd be kind of symbolic since that's where we started.'

'Sure.' Jim let him go enough to gaze into those dark blue eyes. 'You okay?'

Blair's smile was almost blinding. 'Jim, I'm great.'

'You sure are.' With that, Jim took his hand and led him upstairs.

They could save the kitchen for another time.

Blair finished making the drinks and took them back to the couch. He handed Jim his coffee, then tucking his knees up under him, he sat next to Jim with his hot chocolate. Before he'd even got settled, Jim's hand reached out to caress his cheek, and Blair turned his face into the touch. Like every other time Jim had touched him since they'd arrived at the loft hours before, it felt so good he wanted to bottle it.

They had a few candles lit, and the fire going. He'd long since stopped caring what time it was. Neither of them had to work in the morning, so it didn't matter when they slept. Or if.

And Jim looked so good. After they'd brought his bags up to the loft, Blair had half-unpacked, handing Jim a few gifts he'd bought along the way. Jim was wearing the first, a fluffy white toweling robe with Swami's Beach embroidered on the breast - matching Blair's one of the same. They were both naked underneath, the result of their earlier love-making and the shower they'd taken together afterwards.

It seemed neither of them could bear being apart for more than a few seconds at the moment. Not that Blair was complaining. He would never be able to tell Jim how good it felt to have those eyes on him wherever he moved in the room, or to have Jim naked beside him in bed, their cocks touching, sliding against each other, tongues entwined, sweat mingling.

They'd been a little frantic and there'd been a few bruises as a result, but nothing short of an earthquake could have stopped that first coupling. But now that the desperation was past, now that Jim had stopped shaking, and started to smile at him for real, they could take the time to simply get used to each other again.

'So,' Jim began, taking a sip of his coffee without taking his eyes from Blair. 'How's it feel being back in the loft?'

'Weird, I guess.' Blair glanced around, noting the changes. 'I like the shelves. I'm glad Steven didn't convince you to paint them blue. The stain works much better.'

'Well, I'll clear out some space for you tomorrow, so you can unpack properly.'

'Are you sure? I mean, wouldn't you rather we talked about the whole living together in sin thing first?'

Jim raised his eyebrows. 'Okay, sure. Chief, I'd like us to live together. In sin. What do you say?'

'Um, sure, okay.' Blair laughed as Jim grinned. 'See, talking is good, right?'

'Talking is great,' Jim nodded. 'Talking is so good, I want to hear you explain to me again why you decided you wanted to be a cop.'

Half-expecting this, Blair settled into his corner of the couch, balancing his cup on one knee while Jim took his other hand. 'You know I love anthropology, right?'

'Yes.'

'And you also know that one of the reasons I loved anthropology was because I wanted to find a sentinel.'

'Which would be me.'

'Exactly.'

'But you're not going to sit there and tell me you're here because of me, are you?'

'Actually, that's exactly why I needed some space, why I asked you to give me a couple of weeks. I had to clear my head of you so I could be sure it wasn't because of you, and how I felt about you - as a sentinel and as a lover.'

'Okay, I get that. But what has anthropology got to do with you becoming a cop?'

'Well, because of what I used to do when we worked together.' Blair turned Jim's hand over in his, studying the soft palm. 'I never really saw it before, but I was a good cop. And I was a good cop because I was an anthropologist. It gave me a different perspective and I think maybe helped us out with more than a few cases.'

'I won't argue with that.'

'So I started thinking, there's no reason I can't go back to doing just that. Maybe I can't be an anthropologist any more - but then again, I'm not sure I'd want to be. I guess my time working with you spoiled me in a way. I wanted more out of life than being a professor or field researcher could give me. I wanted to make a real contribution, something I could see and feel. Being a cop and anthropologist allows me the perfect opportunity to make a unique contribution above and beyond being your partner and your guide - both of which I consider to be equally important. And there are things I can teach other cops about anthropology, things that will help both them and the public they deal with. The difference with this is, it's something I can do. It's something that has nothing to do with your senses or us being in love.'

Jim nodded at him, his eyes shining. Blair added, 'It's what I want to do with my life. The fact that I'm your guide and I love you are just icing on the cake.'

Jim grinned, 'Trust you to make something simple so complicated.'

Blair could only laugh, 'Well, I never said it was going to be easy.'

'True. But ...'

'You're still not sure about me and guns.'

'I'm sure you mean what you say.' Jim sobered a little, then lifted Blair's hand and kissed his fingertips. 'But it's a different matter when you're in the thick of things, making life and death decisions.'

Blair put his cup down on the coffee table and held Jim's face between his hands. 'Jim, you know I love you, don't you?'

'Yes, I do,' Jim met his gaze openly.

'And you know I'd do anything for you, right?'

'Yeah.' Blair waited then, until understanding filled his lover's gaze and Jim finished the statement on his own. 'It's my life at risk. You wouldn't be doing this if you weren't sure you could, would you?'

'No,' Blair replied with a pleased smile. 'Like I said, I won't ever like it, and I know there'll be counseling if and when I do have to kill - but I'm going in knowing that I'll do everything within my power to avoid killing anybody, and that if I do, it'll be with the certain knowledge that I tried my best. Is that enough to let you trust me?'

Jim said nothing for a moment, then nodded slowly, his voice filled with utter certainty. 'Yes, Blair, it is.'

Blair leaned forward and kissed him then, softly and gently, parting only to rest his forehead against Jim's. 'God, I love you so much.'

'I can trust you, Chief,' Jim whispered, 'as long as you promise me that no matter what happens, we'll handle it together. I mean, if you do kill and you decide you don't want to be a cop any more, then you tell me and we move on together. I need to know that going in.'

'And you have to promise to tell me when you're ready to leave, too.'

'I promise.'

'I promise, too. Jim,' Blair leaned back to meet his gaze, putting everything he could into it. 'You'll never lose me again, Jim. I'm here to stay. I'm yours, till death us do part. Hell, I'd marry you and have your baby if it was possible.'

That made Jim smile again. 'Yeah, well, if it was possible, I'd say yes.'

'Really?' Blair asked, laughing for no reason at all.

'Sure,' Jim nodded, 'I can just see you in the white gown, pregnant belly out to here...'

Blair slapped his shoulder. 'And who says you can't be the one who gets pregnant?'

'Well, you offered first.'

'Damn, me and my big mouth.'

Jim's gaze slid downwards. 'Actually, I did have other plans for that mouth.'

Blair's hands slipped inside Jim's robe to feel the warm hard flesh of Jim's pecs. 'Really?' He leaned down and pulled the cotton aside so he could lick at Jim's left nipple. As Jim arched into his touch, he murmured, 'So, you have any fantasies you'd like to tell me about? Where I could feasibly get you pregnant?'

'Um, not quite, but they're... um... coming along... Oh, shit, Blair, harder.'

Blair sucked hard, then nipped the pebbled bud with his teeth. The result was electric. Jim grabbed his shoulders and pulled him up for a bruising kiss, which turned into another and another as Jim's hand slid into Blair's robe, finding the growing erection and stroking it. His whole body tingling with that touch, Blair moved his own hand down until he could grasp Jim's very impressive cock. He rubbed his thumb over the head, caught the tiny drop of fluid and brought it up to his mouth - but instead of sucking on it himself, he pushed it into Jim's mouth.

Jim's tongue swirled around, tasting and identifying. 'Oh, god,' Jim groaned, his eyes dark with lust. 'Man, you're going to kill me before I'm forty-five, aren't you?'

'Yeah, but hey, what a way to go.'

'I'm game,' Jim kissed him again, using his tongue almost obscenely against Blair's, making his cock rock hard within seconds. 'Your choice, babe. I can either fuck you here on the couch, or we can do it in comfort upstairs.'

Blair closed his eyes, immersing himself in the incredible feeling of Jim's arms around him, his hands touching him, his very presence filling his world. 'Don't care, as long as you fuck me.'

Jim's tongue lapped its way up his throat then he nibbled on Blair's ear. Blair was so caught up with the sensation, he almost missed Jim's shy whisper.

'Still want to try it bareback?'

Blair shuddered with desire. 'Um, that would be a yes, Jim.' He opened his eyes. 'Upstairs?'

'Upstairs.'

They blew candles out, locked doors, banked the fire and climbed the stairs all without ever unlocking their clasped hands. Blair knew that the moment would come some time in the next day or so when they'd have to actually part for a few minutes at least, but he wasn't looking forward to it. Despite all those long months apart, somehow over the years, Jim had actually become a part of him, and losing him now would be more devastating than he could honestly contemplate.

Reaching the top of the stairs, he steered Jim to sit down on the bed, and knelt between his legs. 'So, Jim, those plans you had for my mouth. Would they have something to do with this?'

With his eyes on Jim's he parted Jim's legs wide, opened up his robe to reveal the beautiful long, thick cock that stood up proudly to greet him. He wet his lips, then opened his mouth as wide as he could, taking in the head first, his tongue swirling around it, lapping the moisture up, really tasting Jim again for the first time in eight weeks.

Jim sat rigid before him, hands clenching the edge of the bed. Blair released the head then, and let his tongue glide along the length of Jim's cock from root to tip and that was enough to make Jim shudder.

'Chief, I .. I...' But words failed him then as he took Blair's hands and steered him onto the bed. Blair lay beneath him as Jim opened his robe, his hands shaking a little as he gazed down at Blair's body. 'God, you're so beautiful, Blair.'

'You too, Jim. I ever tell you how I love all this muscle?'

'Nope,' Jim leaned down to nuzzle at the base of Blair's cock. His tongue darted out to swipe at Blair's balls before taking the length down his throat.

'Oh, god,' Blair grabbed handfuls of bedding, trying hard not to arch up into Jim's mouth. 'Jim, please, you have to stop.'

Slowly, Jim released him and knelt between his legs with a very satisfied smile on his face. 'You wanna come together, huh?'

'Yeah.'

'With me, um, inside you?'

'Yeah.'

'Just me?'

Blair closed his eyes a moment, hardly able to believe he was really doing this. 'Yeah, just you.'

Jim pulled the robe from around his shoulders and lay down on Blair, keeping most of his weight on his elbows. 'Babe, are you sure about this? We don't have to do it, remember? I have plenty of condoms.'

Blair could only meet his gaze, his eyes brushing over that strong, beautiful face he loved so much. 'There's a point at which trust has to be real and tangible, Jim. Just as you need to know I'll be there on the job, I need to know you'll stop this if it isn't safe for me. Babe, I want to do this. I want to feel you inside me, I want it to be really you. Sure, it's a little scary, but that's only because I've never done it before.'

'Well, trust me, Blair, it's a very long time since I've done it - and you know I've never done it with a man.'

'Do you want to? Do it with me? Bare?'

Now it was Jim's turn to close his eyes as another shudder rippled through him. Blair could also feel that cock below give a solid jerk at the thought. 'Yes, Blair, I really want you bare.'

'Then do it, Jim.'

Jim nodded at him then, and reached over to the beside table to return with a freshly opened tube of lube. As Jim moved back to kneel between Blair's legs, Blair spread them wider, lifting one and holding onto it as Jim prepared him carefully and thoroughly.

As strong, large fingers penetrated him, Blair had to force himself to keep his hand away from his own cock. He was already way too close and he didn't want to spoil this moment. 'Jim, hurry.'

'No. Not this time. Without the lubrication from the condom, you're going to be more vulnerable. If we're going to do this, I want to make sure you enjoy it.'

'There's no chance I'm not going to enjoy this, Jim.' He could feel the smile on his face, and hear it in Jim's voice as well - but the torture seemed to go on forever before Jim finally withdrew his fingers and Blair could look down to see him coating his cock with lube.

It was a strange sight, watching a guy lube his cock ready for intercourse - without a condom stretched over it. But it was also a really good sight, and Blair lifted his other leg until he could expose himself completely to Jim.

Jim tossed the lube to one side and positioned himself at Blair's entrance. He leaned forward, pressed a kiss to Blair's knee, then pushed in.

The first thrust was strong and deep, driving Jim in to the hilt. Blair groaned and closed his eyes, wanting Jim to just stop there a moment, so he could actually feel it. But Jim didn't need words. Instead, he took one of Blair's legs and wrapped it around his waist, and Blair took care of the other one himself, allowing Jim to move down and kiss him, as deeply as his cock was buried in Blair's body.

With their mouths still fused together, Jim pulled out a little and thrust in again, keeping his pace slow and deliberate, kissing him until they both needed to breathe and then keeping his gaze on Blair steadily as he fucked. Blair couldn't take his eyes off Jim, listening to him grunt softly, reaching up to touch his face, his shoulders, press thumbs against his nipples, rub his hands along Jim's strong arms, see the powerful muscles flex and clench as they drove that cock into Blair's body.

And the feeling of it was almost overwhelming. Jim's cock felt different, more real, more there than ever before. 'Oh god, Jim, that feels so good.'

'Yeah, it does. Almost too good,' Jim grunted, his thrusts losing a little of that steady control. 'Not going to last long. Can feel you...'

'Yes!' Blair arched into the next thrust, unable to stop his hand now from sliding down his belly to grasp his cock. He kept the stroke light for a moment, in time with Jim's movements, but then he couldn't help it any longer. Using his feet to pull Jim further into him, he arched his back again and immediately, his cock jerked in his hand. His orgasm blasted through him like a gale force wind, soaking his hand and chest, forcing Jim over the edge with him, and he felt it, felt every shot of semen into his body, felt it filling him for real, felt Jim joining with him properly at last.

'Ohmygod,' he breathed as the shockwaves of his own completion battered up against Jim's. 'That was... was ...'

'Yeah,' Jim gasped, suddenly sounding ten years older. He collapsed down to one side, obviously trying not to crush Blair. 'Yeah, it was. I love you.'

Blair smiled at him, raised a hand to caress the side of Jim's face. 'I love you, too.'

Jim smiled back and carefully pulled out. He cleaned them both up before wrapping his arms around Blair and kissing him again. Blair just moaned into the kiss. There was something incredibly erotic about being taken care of like that, of knowing there was a part of Jim still inside him. And something beautiful about it as well, far and beyond the act of sex.

'Just so you know,' Jim murmured, settling down, 'when I'm ready to tell you those fantasies?'

'Yeah?'

'None of them are going to feature you using a condom when you have me.'

'Uh huh.' Blair laughed. 'Damn, and you just bought that new large box, didn't you.'

Jim froze, then looked at him. 'How did you know?'

Blair shrugged, 'I saw the wrapper in the trash.'

Jim raised an eyebrow, then snuggled back down again. 'They didn't make you a detective for nothing.'

'They certainly didn't, Jim.' Blair agreed, then closed his eyes. His ass was tender, his back was sore, every muscle in his body was screaming complaints of exhaustion - but he was finally home, with the man of his dreams currently wrapped around him, and a life stretched ahead of him that held more promise than he could ever remember.

He'd never felt better in his life.

Epilogue

'Well, maybe we should have taken your car like I said.' Jim glanced to his right to see Blair shift on his seat for the fifth time since they'd left home.

'Look, Jim, I'm not using my car for work until I can get the Department to cover my insurance, okay? Remember, I've been here before - I know how this works. And before you go on, do I need to remind you of what you did to Simon's new car the day we picked up Megan from the airport?'

'That was hardly my fault.'

'I'm not saying it was. I'm just saying I don't want it to be not your fault while we're in my car. Not until the insurance is covered.'

'Fine,' Jim shrugged. 'It's your ass.'

Blair pursed his lips and kept his gaze out the side window - but Jim could see the attempt to suppress a smile. 'I'm fine, Jim.'

'Uh huh. And I'm not a sentinel.'

'Okay, I'm not fine. This bench seat's as hard a plank of wood and I can't believe I never noticed it before.' Blair's tone of feigned impatience almost made Jim laugh. 'But I'll live. You're not going to keep reminding me all day, are you? 'Cause that's going to get old real fast.'

Jim gave an easy sigh, 'Well, Chief, you did tell me you wanted to walk funny this morning. I was only doing as was told.'

For a moment, Blair just pressed his lips together, his eyes twinkling. But then he began to laugh and Jim had to take his eyes from the traffic a moment to take a look.

Blair just waved his hands and shifted on the seat once more. 'Joke all you want, babe. I'm just thinking how your perspective will change when it's your turn.'

Jim quickly turned his gaze back on the road, but Blair's laughter quietened down after a moment. They drove in silence the rest of the way, until Jim finally turned the truck into the PD parking garage. He found a spot, pulled in and switched off the engine. Only then did he turn to face his new, permanent, official-in-every-way partner. 'So.'

'So.'

'Scared?'

Blair shrugged, 'Yeah. You?'

'Yep.'

'Cool.' Blair nodded, his gaze darting out to encompass the busy garage. 'I guess it's too late to change my mind, right?'

'You can't,' Jim countered reasonably. 'We're married and your having my baby, remember?'

'Oh yeah,' Blair nodded again, turning his gaze on Jim. Contrary to what Blair had just said, there was no fear at all in his gaze, which only made Jim smile.

'Just in case I miss being able to say it later, I love you. Remember, no matter what happens, we do this together.'

'Yeah, together, Jim. I love you, too.' Blair smiled. 'Let's do it.'

They were barely out of the truck before Jim heard the first call. Somebody recognizing Blair, and yelling out a welcome. Blair just waved back and continued on beside Jim, obviously a little nervous. They stepped into the elevator and Jim pressed the button. As they began to move upwards, Jim said, 'I think it's going to get pretty busy today, Chief.'

'Yeah?'

'We could be late getting home.'

'Okay.'

'But if I remember correctly, going back to when you left, I think tonight it's your turn to cook.'

Blair's eyes widened, but Jim couldn't hold the straight face as Blair punched him in the arm. He was still laughing when they stepped off the elevator, into Major Crimes, and the first day of their lives together.

And no, Jim wasn't afraid either. Not any more.

End Without Fear

End Without Fear 8 by Scala: [email protected]

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