Work Text:
The Best Of Men
by WendyK
They don't belong to me. No money being made. Feedback much appreciated.
This story is not betaed. Any mistakes you find are all my fault.
None.
This story is a sequel to: none
The elevator doors opened and I walked slowly down the corridor, heading towards the door marked 307. It figured that the one time I really was dreading going to the loft, the damn thing wouldn't cooperate. There was just no way to put this off no matter how much I wanted to. But having to take the stairs would have at least given me a few more minutes before I had to break someone's heart. How do you tell someone you care a great deal for that the love of their life is dead. The only thing I could do is be there for him and hope its enough. Hope that he would allow me to take care of him.
Taking a deep breath, I knocked softly. After a few moments the door opened and there he stood, a smile lighting up that sweet face, blue eyes sparkling. I really hated having to be the one to make that smile go away. I really hated having to hurt him this way. But it had to be done.
"Simon!! What are you doing here? Jim said you guys weren't coming home 'til Monday night. Weren't the fish biting?" He ushered me in and looked past me into the empty hall in confusion, the smile fading from his lips. "Where's Jim?"
"Sandburg...Blair....." My voice cracked and I couldn't continue. But I guess I didn't really need to. Sandburg is a smart kid and my expression and tone must have spoken volumes. All the color drained from Blair's face and he swayed on his feet.
"no...."
His lips formed the words but there was virtually no sound.
I stepped forward and caught him, his slender frame collapsing against me. Scooping him up in my arms, I carried him over to the sofa and set him down gently beside me. He was taking this worse than I had figured and I hadn't even gone into details yet. I wrapped my arms around him and crooned softly to him.
"It'll be okay, Blair.... Whatever you need..... I'm here for you....I'll always be here for you."
He looked at me with those big eyes brimming with tears. I felt my heart clench at the despair I saw in those deep blue depths. "How?" His voice was just a raspy whisper, full of sorrow.
How indeed? It was supposed to be a weekend trip chock full of fishing, hiking and other outdoorsy activities. A little macho male bonding between friends. Darryl was visiting his grandparents in Chicago and Blair had University work to catch up on so it was just me and Jim this time. Maybe if the kid had been there, it wouldn't have happened.
"We were hiking along the gorge and....I don't know. It was all so sudden. It had been raining, the ground was muddy and waterlogged. It wasn't very stable. He...he went over the side."
My mind's eye replayed the horrible events. The look of surprise and horror on Jim's face when he went over the edge, his desperate attempt to save himself, his screams and the sound he had made when he hit the rocks at the bottom. I would have to carry that with me forever.
Blair gasped and look of guilt and despair washed over his face. "I should have been there. Maybe then...."
"Blair that's stupid." I took the kid by the shoulders and gave him a gentle shake. "You couldn't have known this would happen. It's terrible and tragic. But there's nothing you could have done had you been there."
Sandburg crumpled against me sobbing. "Jim, Jim....."
I wrapped my arms around him and held him tightly, one hand cupping the back of his head, burrowing into those trademark curls. They were just as soft, just a silky, as I had always imagined.
My own throat closed up with emotion at his pain and tears blurred my vision. One of my closest friends was dead but Blair has lost his lover, his lifemate. I needed to be strong. The kid was going to need someone he could lean on. He had loved Jim so much. And Jim had loved him. Maybe it would help for the kid to hear that. It was worth a shot.
"Blair, he knew how much you loved him and he loved you, too. Anyone who looked at the two of you could see it. The both of you positively glowed with happiness. The day of your commitment ceremony was the happiest of his life. He told me so. You meant everything to him."
Blair snuffled against my chest, still inconsolable. "I'm all alone now. Oh God, Jim...."
It killed me to see the kid hurting this way. To see that bright, loving and gentle spirit diminished in sorrow. "Lean on me, Blair. I'm here for you. Awhile back, Jim and I..." I swallowed the lump that was lodged in my throat. "Jim and I had a talk about what...what he wanted if anything ever happened to him. He asked me to look out for you, to watch over you. He knew that his work was dangerous and he needed assurance that you would be okay."
Blair continued to sob into my chest. My shirt was becoming rather damp and I didn't give a rat's ass. I just continued to hold him and rock him.
"It'll be okay, Kid. Just let it all out. I'll take care of everything. Leave everything to me."
That was several hours ago and I'm still sitting here on the loft sofa with the kid curled in my lap. He finally cried himself out and now he's asleep, exhausted by his grief. My butt is numb from sitting in one place for so long but I'll be damned if I'm going to move and disturb him. He looks so young, so fragile, so innocent.....so beautiful. It was his physical beauty that caught my fancy that day when Jim first brought him to the station a little over two years ago. It was his inner beauty that I got to see revealed to me a little each day that I began to covet. Beauty that led me to do a truly terrible thing.
I remember reading Silence of the Lambs and having a particular comment by Hannibal Lechter stick in my mind. 'We covet what we see every day.' Well I had been coveting Blair since day one and I guess I finally reached my limit. I wanted what Jim had and I wasn't going to deny myself any longer. Why should he get to have Blair and not me?
I hadn't gone on this trip planning to push Jim over that cliff but it happened none the less. It was a completely spur of the moment thing and I'm not proud of it. For one split second, I could see with amazing clarity, Blair in my arms, belonging to me instead of Jim. My hands were reaching out, shoving him, almost before I realized it. It was as if they had a mind of their own. I listened to his screams and the terrible crunch of him landing on the rocks below. It had been a long time before I could bring myself to look over the edge and see the results of my actions.
The beauty of it was that no one would ever suspect that it wasn't the accident that I said it was. It had been raining and the ground had been slippery. Besides, Jim and I had been friends for years and both of us were stand up members of the law enforcement community. The rangers out at the park had been nothing but sympathetic and were signing off on the incident paperwork before I had even left to head home.
So Simple. So Easy.
It's also true that Jim and I had talked about my looking after Blair but I'm pretty sure this wasn't quite what he meant. Ellison had been thinking that something might happen to him due to the job. Let's face it, what we do is dangerous. He risked his life every day. The idea that one of his closest friends would simply push him off a cliff one day probably never even crossed his mind. I was his commanding officer, someone he trusted and respected. He told me so the day he asked me to look out for Blair. Even now I can hear him.
"You're my friend, Simon. The best of men. Should anything happen, there is no one else I would trust with Blair's welfare and happiness."
But even the best of men can be tempted and sometimes they succumb. I know I'll have to live with what I did for the rest of my life. It will be my secret and mine alone. I killed one of my closest and dearest friends in the whole world. But at least I'll have Blair and that will make all the difference.
End The Best Of Men by WendyK: [email protected]
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