Author's webpage: http://members.dencity.com

Title: Sessions
Author: Grey
Fandom: THE SENTINEL
Pairing: Jim/Blair
Rating: NC-17
Status: New/Complete
Archive: Yes
Email: Grey853@aol.com
Series/Sequel: Yes
Date: January 2001
Website: http://members.dencity.com/grey853 Disclaimer: Not mine.

Summary: Blair seeks help to cope with his feelings for Jim and his near death experience.

Notes: Thanks to Jenn aka XFreak for her constant support.

Warnings: This story has major spoilers for the third and fourth seasons.

Sessions
by Grey

"Have a seat, Mr. Sandburg."

Nervously, Blair put his pack by the chair and sat down, his whole body too tense to settle with much comfort. "Thanks." He took a deep, calming breath.

"So, how can I help you?"

"Go slow, Doctor. I'm a little out of practice. I haven't been to counseling for a few years now."

Dr. Grant Logan smiled, his dark eyes sparkling and alert. With a square face and straight brown hair, his body trim, he nodded. "So you're not a virgin to therapy?"

"Oh, man, not even in this decade." Blair laughed out loud and shook his head. "Started back when I was a kid, about twelve. Things got out of hand and my mom thought I could use a little help."

"Out of hand in what way?"

"I was a little hostile for awhile, that sort of pissed at the world kind of thing that some teenagers go through. I got over it. Had a good doctor." Blair paused and met Logan's eyes. "I've had some bad ones, too, though."

"I'm hoping I don't fit into that category and that we can work well together."

"Me, too."

"So, back to the original question, how can I help you?"

Standing up, Blair walked to the window at the side of the office. He looked out at the busy street as he crossed his arms. "This is harder than I thought it would be."

"What is?"

"Talking about this."

"You really haven't said much yet."

Eyes stinging, Blair swallowed several times. The words staggered on his tongue, hesitant and halting. "I died a few months ago."

Logan sat up straighter, his focus never leaving Blair. "You want to explain that?"

"I drowned. I mean, they pronounced me dead at the scene, man. Then I came back. Thanks to Jim. Since then I've had a few problems dealing with that."

"That's understandable. Who's Jim?"

"Jim Ellison, my partner and roommate."

"Your partner? Are you two lovers?"

Blair snorted, staring out the window again. "Why does everybody ask that?" He didn't wait for an answer, but shook his head, his arms still holding his guts in. "No, we're not lovers and not likely to be. Jim's a straight arrow, even been married. And me, well, I've only been with women."

"Do you love Jim?"

"Of course. He's my best friend. We work together, live together. He saved my life more times than I can remember."

"Are you saying he's saved your life more than once?"

Blair paced, a stubborn strand of brown hair pushed back away from his face as he moved back and forth. "Jim's a detective with Major Crimes. I work as his ride along partner."

Frowning, Logan looked down at his notes and then back at Blair. "I thought you were a teaching Fellow at Rainier?"

"I am, but I'm also working on my dissertation. That includes observing Jim on the job. I've been doing that for over three years now. Since I started, there have been a lot of close calls. I've been shot, kidnapped, knocked out, punched, drugged, you name it."

"Sexually abused?"

Blair stopped and met Logan's serious gaze. "No, not that, if you don't count the come ons."

"Come ons?"

"Yeah, I've had a few times when if I hadn't been rescued, I worried about what might have happened, especially with Kincaid."

"Kincaid? Are you talking about that guy who took over the police station and then later the arena? You were involved in all that?"

"Yeah, both times. The first time he took the whole building hostage, but he took me with him when he tried to escape. He wanted more than just a body for a shield, you know? I wasn't sure Jim would make it in time, but he did."

"I see." Sitting back, Logan jotted down a few notes as he spoke evenly. "Sounds like you've had a busy time working with the police."

Blair settled back down in the chair, his arms still crossed and tucked up under his armpits. "Don't get me wrong. It's not all been crazy like that. Most of the time, it's a lot calmer. Jim and I do routine stuff, too. Stake outs, which I hate, and lots of paperwork and interviews."

"Do you enjoy working with Jim?"

"Sure. It's a big difference from working at the university, sort of the difference between a merry-go-round and a roller coaster."

"And you like the roller coaster ride better?"

"Sometimes, yeah. On the other hand, playing it safe isn't so bad, either, especially when some maniac shows up and tries to kill me."

"Is that what happened when you drowned?"

"Sort of, but it's more complicated than that."

"How so?"

"Alex tried to kill me, hell, she did kill me, but Jim and I were having problems before that."

"Was her trying to kill you directly related to those problems?"

Blair raised his head and stared at Logan, his voice stronger, more sure. "There are some things about our relationship I can't tell you about. It's confidential because of my dissertation. Suffice it to say, Jim was pissed about my spending time with Alex because I thought I could use her instead of him for my paper. I didn't tell him about it up front and that was a huge mistake on my part. As it turned out, she was a criminal who wanted to steal toxic nerve gas to sell to the highest bidder. I played right into her hands. Jim had every right to be upset. He thought he couldn't trust me anymore."

"And how did that make you feel?"

"Like shit."

"How did you resolve the trust issue?"

"I'm not sure we have yet, not completely. Hell, it took me dying for him to even forgive me that time."

"You think if you hadn't nearly drowned, that he wouldn't have?"

"I don't know. Jim's pretty big on trust and once you fuck up, he's really harsh about shutting you out. I know he does it to protect himself, but, man, it's hard to deal with sometimes."

Blair stopped talking, closed his eyes, and bit his lower lip. After an extended silence, Logan prompted. "What are you thinking about?"

"Jim."

"You spend a lot of time thinking about Jim?"

"You don't understand."

"What don't I understand?"

"He's my life now and I'm not sure how that happened."

"And that confuses you?"

"You bet." Blair opened his eyes and got up again, this time even more agitated, his movements almost frantic. His hands moved with his words to punctuate the onslaught of feelings. "He's my whole fucking life. I get up and I think, what's Jim doing today? What's Jim want? Wonder if I'll fuck up and piss him off and lose him. Wonder if there's going to be some bitch he's going to fall for so he can leave me again." The last few words came out a harsh staccato.

"Why are you so angry?"

"I don't know." Suddenly chilled, Blair shook his head to clear his vision. "I need help with this."

"This?"

"My feelings for Jim. I don't know what to do when they overwhelm me like this."

Logan kept his voice even, but softened the tone. "May I call you Blair?"

The simple question drew Blair's attention back to the doctor. "Sure. I'm sorry. I got a little carried away there."

"Maybe we should figure out why that is. You want to tell me about these feelings? What are they exactly?"

"I don't know. I really don't. I love him, but he makes me crazy sometimes. He used to listen to me, but now it's like we're always fighting."

"About what?"

"About women. About him being a self-destructive prick."

"Do you have a problem with him dating?"

"You don't understand, doctor. He picks these women like you wouldn't believe. He's a cop, but he falls for thieves, mobster's wives, and assassins. This last one, Veronica, she killed her husband and tried to frame Jim. Shit. I tried to warn him, but he just wouldn't listen. He spent a whole month fucking her senseless. We lived together, but we might as well have been on different planets. That's when it hit me."

"What did?"

"That I was fucked."

Logan didn't change his somber expression at the profanities, but just kept writing and listening. "In what way?"

"I hated what he was doing, following her around like some lovesick puppy. Fucking hated it. Jim's a great cop, but when he falls for these women he defines the word dickhead. I was miserable, but I couldn't leave him. I just stayed there waiting, hoping he'd wake up and come back. He did, eventually. Hell, he even said he was sorry, which for Jim is a huge deal. But now I know I'm in serious shit here."

"How so?"

"I can't imagine my life without him. How's that for fucked?"

"Actually, it sounds like you're in love with him."

"I know." Defenses girdled his urge to surrender, to finally think about Jim the way he really wanted. Blair shut his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose, his words a hush. "I don't know what to do about it."

"What do you want to do about it?"

"I want it to go away. I want Jim to love me, too. I don't know what the fuck I want." Blair slumped down into the chair, his body even more tight than when he arrived. "I guess that's part of why I'm here. I need to figure out what to do about all this. I hate feeling anxious all the time, like I'm walking on eggshells around him. It didn't used to be this way."

"What do you suppose changed it?"

"It's never been the same after Alex."

Logan turned in his chair, his body positioned in Blair's direction. "You think he still doesn't trust you?"

Blair pursed his lips and frowned as he scratched his head. "I didn't tell you the whole story about that."

Raising an eyebrow, Logan motioned for Blair to continue. "Maybe now would be a good time to do that."

"Jim went after Alex and the nerve gas. He caught up with her, but in the process, they sort of had a thing going."

"A thing?"

"Yeah, you know, an attraction. She was a beautiful woman, dangerous and crazy, but built. It's just that after she killed me, I got a little upset seeing Jim make out with her on the beach, you know?"

"And how did you come to see that?"

"After I got out of the hospital, I followed him down to Mexico. I thought he might need me. He did, too, because before it was over Alex went completely off the deep end. The thing is, once we got back, I just had this huge problem dealing with everything that happened."

"And did you talk to Jim about how you were feeling?"

"Are you kidding? Jim doesn't do feelings. He hates talking about them almost as much as having them. So, we both just sort of tried to slip back into what we were doing before, working and living together, but it wasn't the same, not by a long shot."

Nodding, Logan made some quick notations before he asked, "Do you think Jim feels this strain?"

"Sure. He doesn't say anything, but he's stopped touching me like he used to."

"Touching you?"

"Jim's a toucher. He likes to make contact and stand pretty close. He's always done that. Hell, the second time I met him, he slammed me up against the wall in my office and got right in my face."

Suddenly more upright, Logan put his pen down. "Slammed you? Are you saying Jim physically attacks you?"

"It's not like that. He was upset. He'd never hurt me."

"Are you sure?"

Blair checked out the concerned expression and nodded. "I'm sure. He's not abusive, just volatile. He tends to act pissed and defensive when he's feeling vulnerable. When we first met, he wasn't sure if he wanted to do the project or not. I had to work my ass off to convince him. Of course, it didn't hurt that I threw myself under a garbage truck to save him right after that."

"A garbage truck?"

"Yeah. Anyway, since then we've worked a lot of cases and one thing I always liked was that Jim touched me, on the shoulder, on the back, just liked being close. I took it for granted. Now he keeps his distance more."

"Do you think that's because he suspects your feelings or might have feelings of his own?"

Puzzled, Blair settled back in the seat. "I don't know. I'm just afraid it means he's distancing himself before he kicks me out again."

"He kicked you out?"

"Yeah. Shocked the hell out of me when it happened. We've lived together almost three years now. I came home, all my stuff thrown in boxes, and he said he just needed me out of there fast. Of course, later I figured out it was because of Alex, but it still hurt."

"I take it you moved back in after the drowning?"

"Yeah. He moved my stuff back in while I was in the hospital before he took off to Mexico."

Logan hesitated before he asked the next question. "What's your living arrangement with Jim?"

"Do you mean do I pay rent?"

"Yes. Is he like a landlord and you're the tenant?"

"I guess, except I don't actually pay rent. I've tried a few times, but he won't take the money."

"Why not?"

"I don't get paid much at the university and nothing by the police. He says my helping him is enough. I have a room downstairs and he sleeps upstairs."

Logan cocked his head. "I didn't ask that."

"I know. Just thought I'd mention it."

"Why?"

"Beats the shit out of me."

Logan smiled and relaxed slightly. "Let's talk about your history for a bit. You said at the beginning that you've only been with women. How's that been?"

"Okay, I guess. I've dated a lot of women, sometimes more than one at a time."

"Would you consider yourself promiscuous?"

"No, but Jim might, though he's got no room to talk about slutty behavior."

"Have you ever been in a long term relationship?"

"Not really, not a committed one anyway. I've dated Samantha off and on for a couple of years, but we're really just friends."

"Just friends? Is it a sexual relationship?"

"Yeah." Blair shrugged as he leaned forward, his elbows on his knees while he spoke. "Sam and I have an agreement. We like each other, but we both know it's not love. We have fun, but it's just sex, not intimacy."

"Those things are different for you?"

"Oh, yeah." Blair sat back up, his voice suddenly harder. "And Jim just doesn't get that. We had a huge fight once because he thought I was asking his ex-wife about his sex life."

"Were you?"

"No, of course not. She said he had a fear of intimacy and he took it the wrong way. He says people in his life, the people he's with or cares about, are intimate to him. He doesn't get how I can separate them."

"Do you think Jim thinks of you as having an intimate relationship with him?"

Blair raised a finger and pointed at Logan before he answered, his body less edgy. "That's a very good question. I think of what we have together as intimate and I think he does, too. I also think it scares the hell out of him and that's why he gets so hurt if he feels like I've betrayed him."

"That brings us back to those trust issues you were talking about."

"Yeah, Jim has a lot of problems there, but not without good reason. He's been betrayed over his lifetime by a lot of important people. He's been traumatized by some pretty hairy things. Makes him overly cautious sometimes, very into control."

"What kind of traumas are we talking about?"

"He witnessed the murder of his mentor when he was a kid, lost his men in Peru when they were on a mission for the army, and most of the women he's been with turned out to be nothing like he expected. The body count is pretty huge. I understand why he needs to put order in his life. It makes him feel safer."

"Has Jim ever been in therapy?"

Blair laughed and shook his head. "Not unless it was mandated by the army or after a shooting. He's fine with it for others like Joel, one of the guys we work with, but he's very resistant to the silly notion that he might need any help. Mr. Tough guy, that's Jim."

"Does he know you're seeing me?"

Smile gone, Blair thought back to his earlier lies to Jim just that morning. "No. I don't want him to know about this."

"Why not?"

"Because he'd worry. Besides, I can't talk to him about any of this until I figure out things myself. I hate feeling so fucked up, like I don't have a clue about what I really want anymore."

"I think you know what you want, Blair. You just aren't ready to accept it."

"It's not easy."

"No, but then that's what we'll work on next time."

Rafe handed the coffee and brown paper bag through the window of the car to his partner before opening the door and climbing into the driver's side. "Sorry it took so long. There's a new girl behind the counter."

Brown laughed, his dark eyes twinkling in amusement. "Yeah, and you just had to check her out, am I right?"

"No way. She's jailbait. Besides, I'm still dating Donna down in records."

Opening up the bag, Brown pulled out a pecan Danish, his favorite. "Better be careful, my man. People might start thinking it's serious. What's it been now, a month?"

"Three weeks. She's a nice woman. I really like her." Rafe took the top off his coffee and sipped, the hot liquid burning his tongue. He glanced up as he ouched and focused on the figure across the street. "Hey, isn't that Sandburg?"

"Where?"

"Over there, coming out of the Medical Plaza."

Brown scanned the crowd and nodded. "Sure is. What's he doing here? I thought Jim said he had a bunch of meetings at school today."

"Beats me." Frowning, Rafe studied their friend as Blair hitched his backpack over his shoulder and headed towards the parking lot at the end of the building. His face somber, Blair paid no attention to the world around him. "You think we should offer him a ride?"

"We could, but he probably has his green machine."

"Probably." Rafe shrugged and put his coffee in the carrier tray. "You know we haven't seen Blair around much lately. You think there might be a reason?"

Concerned, Brown turned to his friend. "Look, we shouldn't jump to conclusions, man. Just because he's coming out of a doctor's building doesn't mean he's sick or anything. Jim would've told us."

"Would he?"

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying Jim doesn't always tell us what's going on when it comes to Sandburg." Rafe tightened his hands on the steering wheel, wishing he could hop out and grab Blair and make sure he wasn't in trouble.

Brown interrupted his thoughts. "Or maybe he doesn't know."

"Know what?"

"That Blair might be sick."

"We don't know that."

"We don't not know it."

Rafe rubbed his forehead and sighed. "Shit."

Brown touched his shoulder. "Look. Why don't I feel Jim out about it when we get back, find out if there's something going on? Might be just a check up."

"Might be a brain tumor."

"Fuck, Rafe."

"Sorry. I'm just kidding. Nothing like a worse case scenario when it comes to Ellison and Sandburg."

"You're a twisted fuck, you know that?"

"I said I was sorry."

Frustrated, Brown turned forward in his seat and motioned for his partner to start the truck. "Come on, man. Let's get back to the station. I don't like mysteries."

"Guess that's why you're a cop, huh?"

"Damn straight. Now fire this baby up, man, and let's get back to work."

"God, you're bossy, H."

"And your point?"

"Just making an observation."

"Observe and drive then. Just get moving."

Jim added another file to the stack, rubbing his forehead and face with one hand. God, he missed Blair. One thing his partner knew how to do well without a lot of bitching was paperwork. Jim admired that.

"Hey, man, what's up?"

Opening his eyes, Jim focused on Brown, his friend's face looking more serious than usual. "Not much. How's the Brunson case going? You got a lead yet?"

"Yeah. We're thinking it's the partner. The man's alibi ate dust when we checked into it. I don't think his old lady liked the idea of being used to cover his sorry ass for killing his other lover without being asked first."

"Sounds promising."

Brown edged closer to the desk and lowered his voice. "So, Jim, man, how's Sandburg?"

The tightness of tone and faster heartbeat caught Jim's attention. "He's fine. Why?"

"Just wondering. We haven't seen him around much lately."

"He's been busy. Classes are in full swing and he's got some training sessions he's doing." Brown nodded, avoiding eye contact, his muscles tense as he stood there. "Come on, H. What's up? Why are you asking about Sandburg?"

"It's nothing, man. It's just that Rafe and I saw him over at the Medical Center a little while ago and we weren't sure why he was there, that's all."

The world stopped for a second. "Medical Center?"

"Yeah, over by the hospital. We couldn't figure out why he'd be there."

Jim didn't speak for a minute, his mind running over Blair's comments about being busy all day with schoolwork. His jaw clenched at the realization that Blair had either lied or kept a secret. "Jim, it's probably nothing. I just wondered if he was okay."

"He's fine as far as I know." But what the fuck did he know? Damn it. He hated when Blair pulled this shit.

Jim stood up, his muscles tight across his shoulders, his stomach knotted. "I'll tell you what, I'll give him your regards when I see him."

"Are you pissed, man?"

"No, just busy. See you later."

Jim snatched up the file and headed for Simon's office, his mind still blazing with all the things to say to his partner as soon as he caught up with him. He knocked on the door with a little more force than he intended. "Captain, could I see you a minute?"

"Sure, Jim. You got the Warren file finished?"

Handing his captain the folder, he stood quietly while Simon checked through it. "Fine work, Jim. The DA's going to love this." The older man glanced up and his focus narrowed. "Jim?"

Eyes squeezed shut, Jim barely heard him. He wanted nothing more than absolute quiet, no clicking heels or jumble of voices all around him. A hand touched his shoulder and he blinked to see Simon's worried expression. "I'm fine, sir. Just a little headache."

"Maybe you should go home then. It's almost five anyway."

"Thanks, sir." As he turned to leave, he hesitated. "Simon?"

"Yeah?"

"If there were something going on with Sandburg, you'd tell me, right?"

"Like what?"

"I don't know. You tell me. You were the one talking to him behind closed doors a couple of weeks ago."

Puzzled, Simon stepped closer. "What's this about, Jim? We were just talking about what he thought Daryl ought to do about his portfolio for college, not whispering deep, dark secrets."

Sighing, relieved, Jim shook his head. "I'm sorry. I guess I'm just a little more tired than I thought."

"And paranoid. What's going on? Is something wrong with Blair?"

"No. At least I don't think so."

"Has something happened?"

"I don't know. Guess I should go find out."

As he pulled open the door, Simon frowned harder. "If it's anything serious, let me know."

"Sure. I just have to make sure he tells me the truth first."

Grim, Jim stewed in his own thoughts and sipped his beer, his mind unsettled. He stirred the spaghetti sauce and finished off his drink. Just as he opened the refrigerator for another, Blair came in the door, his face pale and haggard. "Hey, Chief."

"What are you doing home?"

"I got off a little early. Thought I'd start dinner. Hope you're hungry."

Blair stepped to the door of his room and dropped off his backpack and jacket before returning to lean against the counter. "Smells good."

"Want a beer?"

"Sure. I'll get it."

As Blair came around to fetch his drink, Jim studied his friend. Dark circles shadowed his eyes and he needed a shave. His chestnut curls, frizzy from the cooler weather, bounced when he moved. Exhaustion sculpted tight lines in his face, his body tense and pulled in. As Blair settled down on the sofa, his head back, Jim wanted to sit down and hug him, to make it all better somehow. Instead he kept his distance. "Have a hard day?"

"Not bad, I guess. Just lots of things to do. How about you? The Warren case cleared up yet?"

"Handed it over to Simon before I left." Jim turned off the sauce and stirred the pasta. Then he put the buttered bread on the pan and slipped it into the oven before heading toward the living room. "So what all did you have to do today?"

Blair opened one eye as glanced over at Jim. "What's going on, man?"

"What?"

"Why the sudden interest?"

"It's not sudden. We haven't been spending much time together lately. I just wondered what you've been up to and when you're going to come back to work at the station."

Sitting up, Blair put the beer on the table, his gaze anywhere but on Jim. "You've been doing fine without me."

Jim frowned, concerned at his partner's strained words. "What makes you think I'm doing fine without you, Chief? Sure, I get by. I can do the job, but it's not the same."

"No, it's not." The words came out soft, a hushed confession, sad and piercing.

"Blair's what's going on?"

"Nothing, man. I'm just tired. Why don't we eat? There's an early game on tonight."

"We'll eat in a minute, but I have to ask you something first."

"What?"

"Where were you today? I mean, really?"

Lifting his head, his face suddenly flushed, Blair stood up. "What's with this, Jim? I told you this morning I had training seminars all day after morning classes, so what's the deal?"

"Rafe and Brown saw you coming out of the Medical Center."

"Oh, shit." Blair stood perfectly still for several long moments before slumping back down to the couch. "I swear to god, man, this sucks."

"Are you going to tell me what you were doing there or not?"

"Fuck. I didn't lie. I just didn't tell you."

"Sin of omission."

"Sorry, wrong religion." Pushing his hair back from his face, Blair took a deep breath. "Look, it's nothing."

Jim held the beer bottle between two hands to keep them from shaking. "Are you sick?"

Blair looked up suddenly, his voice softening with understanding. "No, it's nothing like that, man. I didn't mean to worry you. I'm just seeing a shrink, that's all."

"A shrink?"

"It's no big deal. Today was my first session. I can't believe I got busted in just one day."

Relieved in one way and still worried in another, Jim remained stolid. "So why the big secret? Why not just tell me?"

Shrugging, Blair got up and stepped to the kitchen, checking the bread as he talked. "I just wanted to work out a few things. I didn't want you to worry."

"I am worried. I'm worried that you still don't trust me."

"Jesus, Jim. I trust you. This isn't about that."

"What's it about then? You go to talk to some stranger instead of talking to me? What am I supposed to think?"

They worked together, the moves coordinated from practice. Blair got down the plates and set the table as Jim came over to strain the spaghetti through the colander.

"You're not supposed to think anything. You're not supposed to even know about it." Blair got out the bread and dropped the pan on the top of the stove, bringing his finger to his mouth. "Damn, that's hot. We need a new oven mitt."

"You okay?"

Jim reached out to inspect the injury but stalled as Blair stepped away shaking his hand. "I'm fine."

"You should put it under cold water."

"It's not that bad."

While they finished serving dinner, they both sat down in their regular places, Jim at the head of the table, Blair to his side. Scooting the pasta around several times, Jim suddenly put his fork down. "I need to understand this, Chief. Why a shrink? Did something happen?"

Blair frowned and pushed away his plate. "Yeah, Jim, something happened. I died, remember?"

Startled, Jim stared at his partner. "Jesus. Of course, I remember. How the fuck can you ask me that?" Jim flashed on the worst day in his memory, the moment of pure grief when he thought he'd lost the one person he loved more than breathing. He cleared his throat, his lungs sluggish. "But that was months ago."

"I know."

Jim studied the distressed features of his partner and then leaned in. "Why didn't you tell me you were still upset about that?"

"Why didn't you ever ask?" The words came out sharp and biting. Blair immediately stood up, his hand pushing back his hair as he walked over to the window. "I'm sorry, Jim. I didn't mean that."

"Sure you did." Jim watched Blair's back, but remained seated. "I should've asked. I just didn't know what to say. I guess I thought you were over it."

"I tried to be. I really did, man."

"I know that."

Blair turned around and stepped closer to the table, his arms braced on the back of the chair across from Jim. "I died, Jim, and you brought me back, but we've never talked about that."

"What's there to say?"

"We shared the same vision."

"I know." Uneasy, Jim stood up and picked up his plate. "You should eat before it gets cold, Chief. I'm not hungry."

His face drawn and defeated, Blair shrugged. "Me, neither. We can save it and eat it later."

"Sure."

Quietly, they worked side by side to put away the food and clean up the kitchen. When they were finished, Jim folded and hung the damp kitchen towel on the rack. He turned off the overhead light as he walked into the living room. Blair sat down beside him and handed him the remote, their hands touching briefly in the exchange. "Find the game. I'm too tired."

Jim leaned forward and fondled the remote, but left the set off. "Maybe this shrink thing is a good idea, Chief."

"Yeah?"

"Maybe he can help you figure out what it all meant."

Blair tilted his head and looked over. "You mean you want me to tell him about what I saw?"

"What we both saw."

"Why's it scare you so much to talk about it, Jim?"

Shaking his head, frowning, Jim's voice hardly raised above a whisper. "I almost lost you. God, just thinking about it makes me all cold inside."

"But you saved me."

"How? By magic spirits? I mean, who believes in that shit?"

"I do."

Still troubled by the whole conversation, Jim sat back and clicked the remote, the TV coming on with the sound on low. "Tell your shrink that and see what happens."

"I just might do that. In the meantime, turn the sound up for the crazy guy for christsakes."

Jim smiled for the first time that night and pushed the volume up as he turned his own hearing down. Blair settled on the other end of the sofa, his feet tucked up under his body, not too close, not too far away, either. The Jags played in the background as Jim wished his outstretched arm had more to hug than the empty air between them.

"What about money, Chief?"

Blair looked up blurry-eyed from his algae shake. "What?"

"This shrink thing has to be expensive." Jim spread cream cheese on one side of his bagel and then picked up the other. "How are you going to pay for it?"

"I've got insurance."

"You still have to pay a percentage. Wouldn't it be cheaper to use one of the department shrinks? I mean, you got hurt during a case and you're a consultant. We could work it out so it'd be covered completely."

Blair put his glass down and rubbed his eyes before shaking his head. "I've already started with Dr. Logan. I like him."

"And you don't like Tolin."

"I didn't say that. I only talked to Tolin a couple of times after Lash."

"And you weren't impressed, I remember. And you're right. Tolin's not very good. Even I know that." Jim waved his hand and then bit into his bagel, chewing and then swallowing quickly. "Still, there's Wright or Baker. You haven't seen them and they're free. Joel says Baker's okay to talk to."

"Jim, I appreciate the suggestion, but I'm going to stick with Logan for now."

"You sure you can afford it?"

"It'll be fine. If I can't handle it, I'll get another job or something."

Jim picked up the paper and scanned the headlines while he spoke, keeping his voice nonchalant and even. "I could help. I don't mind."

Smiling, Blair shook his head. "Thanks, man. I appreciate the offer, but it's cool. I've been saving up on rent, remember?"

"Just thought I'd offer. I don't know how you save anything with that sorry pittance they give you to live on."

"It's not easy." Blair sat back, fully awake and watched as Jim ate his bagel and read the paper. His friend's jaw clenched with tension. "Are you sure you're okay with me seeing someone?"

"Sure. Why wouldn't I be?"

"I just wondered."

Putting the paper down, Jim drank his orange juice but avoided his gaze. "Carolyn went to a doctor for awhile toward the end of our marriage. Said I depressed the hell out of her. I guess I'm a little edgy here because I seem to have that effect on the people I live with. I don't want to make the same mistakes over again, you know?"

Blair stared in amazement. "She said that? That you depressed her?"

Crossing his arms, Jim leaned forward, resting his elbows on the table. "Called me cold and uncommunicative. I know I have trouble with telling people how I feel. She wasn't wrong about that, but I don't want you to think I'm cold and unfeeling, because I'm not."

"Shit. I know that, Jim. She shouldn't have said that. I don't feel that way." What a bitch. Double shit.

Jim smiled as he looked up, his icy blue eyes clear and directed at Blair. "But you think I need to talk more about my feelings."

Unnerved by the unusual directness, Blair started to deny the truth of the statement, but stopped. "Yeah, I do, but you're not responsible for how I'm feeling. That's my problem, not yours."

Nodding, Jim sat back, his arms still crossed, his face more solemn. "Okay. I just wanted to say that." More relaxed, he picked up the rest of the bagel and asked, "What should I tell Brown and Rafe?"

"About what?"

"About why you were at the Medical Center. They were worried."

"Serves them right for snitching."

Frowning at that, Jim wiped his mouth. "You should've told me yourself."

"There is such a thing as privacy, Jim."

"You live with a cop. It's an alien concept."

"Oh, yeah." Blair shook his head in amusement and finished his shake. "I don't want the whole world to know my business, but it's nothing to be ashamed of."

"You're right, it's not. If they ask, I'll tell them to ask you. Okay?"

"Thanks."

Jim picked up his juice and drained the glass. "Besides, they all think you're nuts anyway. Won't be a big surprise."

Instead of laughing, Blair went cold and got up from the table, taking his empty glass to the sink. "Yeah, right, crazyass Sandburg. Got it."

"Come on, Chief. It was a joke."

Hesitating, his body too tense, Blair took several deep breaths before he found his voice. "I know. I'm sorry. I'm just a little uptight, that's all."

"I noticed." Jim's voice softened as he stood up and brought his dishes to the counter. "You've been wound up and pissed about something for awhile now. I thought you were going to blow a gasket during the Ventriss thing."

"I had every right to be pissed. The man was a rapist."

"And a murderer. I know, Chief. That's not the point."

"Then what is the point?"

"I want my old friend back." The words came out quietly, almost a whisper as Jim touched his shoulder.

For just a moment, Blair leaned into the touch, the heat like heaven. Then he pulled away, his protective barriers back in place, his mind in a panic. Stepping away, he crossed his arms and countered, "I'm trying, Jim. You haven't exactly been yourself, either."

"I know. I was an ass about Veronica. I said I was sorry."

"I know what you said, man. It's not just about her, or you for that matter. It's me. I'm fucked up, but I'm dealing with it. Just be patient."

Jim nodded, the muscles in his face tight as he leaned back against the counter, his eyes trained on Blair. "I'll be as patient as you need me to be, but don't think you're in this alone. I'm not stupid. I know I'm part of the problem."

Meeting his gaze, Blair frowned. "What are you saying?"

"I'm saying I know you've got some problems with me. I'm not completely sure what they are because I'm not the only one who doesn't always share his feelings."

"Don't turn this around on me, man. You know how I feel. Fuck. The whole world knows. I can't hide my emotions like you do."

"You do pretty well. Like just now, you pulled away from me. Why? What are you afraid of?"

"Nothing." Blair shook his head, disconcerted, his whole body swarming with anxious buzzes. "Damn it, I don't have time for this right now. I've got to take a shower and shave and be at school in an hour."

"Then do it. Just don't shut me out and then turn around and tell me I don't understand."

"I'm not doing that."

"Riiight." Jim motioned toward the bathroom. "Go ahead. Shower. I'll do the dishes. You coming to the station later?"

Confused at the sudden shift to neutral, Blair stood there calming down for several seconds before answering. "I guess I could do that."

"Good. How about around noon? We could have lunch together. We haven't done that in awhile."

"Sure. Okay." The words stuttered.

Jim turned on the water and pushed up his sleeves as he put the dishes in the sink. "Be thinking about where you want to go. There's a new Italian place over on Chestnut we haven't tried."

"I'll think about it."

"You do that. Now go get a shower. It's late."

A bit shell-shocked from the unexpected drama, Blair headed to the bathroom, his senses still recalling Jim's hand to his shoulder. Old Jim touched him like that, not the new guy. Flustered, he closed the door and wondered if Jim knew what he wanted better than he did.

"Blair, my dear boy, are you busy?"

Blair turned around, startled by the voice from his door. "Dr. Chambers? What are you doing here?"

"Just thought I'd pop by for a moment. Wanted to see how you were weathering your reinstatement after that nasty incident with the Ventriss family." The older man walked in and scanned the office as he ran a hand through his fine white hair. Grey blue eyes staring out from a gaunt face settled back on Blair. "No ill effects I hope? I heard you actually got attacked by some goons hired by the sorry bastard."

"I'm fine. Thanks for asking." Blair moved some books from the nearby chair and motioned to the seat. As Chambers sat down, he continued to sort through the papers on his desk. "How's your wife? I heard she was touring Europe."
"Dear Pamela's always touring somewhere. She loves to travel. She prefers the modern world while I prefer the primitive."

"Sounds balanced."

"A perfect marriage, really." Chambers cleared his throat. "Actually there's another reason I wanted to speak to you."

Blair stopped his work and trained his attention back to Chambers. "Yes?"

"I've been thinking it's time you thought about organizing an expedition of some sort."

"Expedition? Why? I'm working on my dissertation."

"I know, but you realize you haven't done any field work for over three years."

Frowning, Blair pushed back his hair and crossed his arms. "Working with the police has been my field work."

"Come now, that's not the kind of work you were meant to do. You turned down Borneo and haven't done anything else for far too long." Chambers leaned in, his voice a little softer. "I probably shouldn't be saying this, but there have been discussions about how you seem to have lost your fervor for genuine field studies."

"That's bullshit."

"Of course, it is. But you know the way things work around here, my dear boy. Some people just think you've lost your focus. You're running behind on your doctorate and you've only published a few minor papers over the last year. Publish or perish, remember? Your natural brilliance has been stifled by this law enforcement thing. You really need to stop and consider the impact on your career this association with the police has had. In addition, not everyone is too thrilled with all the publicity the Ventriss situation caused. I just thought if you started working on a new project, you could head off some rather unpleasant scenarios that seem to be brewing."

Gut clenching, Blair shook his head. "I wasn't aware it was that big a problem."

"Well, you wouldn't be. You've been far too busy working with that friend of yours, Detective Ellison. I just hate to see such a promising young man like yourself make the mistake of believing that playing the academic game isn't worth your effort. We need new blood like yours to remain vital." Chambers studied him a few moments before he added, "I was hoping we could have supper tonight to discuss some possible funding proposals for an expedition you might consider for the coming year."

"Supper?"

Chambers sat up straighter and smiled. "I fancy myself quite the gourmet cook actually. I thought you could come to my place and we could flesh out some details."

"I need to finish my dissertation before I even think about an expedition."

"We can talk about that, too, if you want. Please, don't disappoint me, Blair. I must confess, I've already bought the Cornish hens. I've got quite the little feast planned."

Tense, but relenting, Blair shrugged. "I suppose it wouldn't hurt to talk about it."

"Of course not. Besides, it'll be a wonderful evening." Chambers stood and patted Blair's shoulder with a slender hand. "Come by around seven. Nothing formal, so come as you are. I'll be looking forward to it."

"Should I bring anything?"

"Just yourself. We'll ward off these pesky problems together." As he opened the door he grinned. "Just the two of us. Lovely."

As the door shut, Blair slumped his chair and pushed away the nagging impression that Chambers wanted more than just food and conversation for the night. Disgusted with his own ugly reservations, he blamed Jim for making him so damn suspicious of friendly gestures. On top of that, he didn't want to eat with Claude Chambers. He wanted to be with Jim, god damn it.

Sighing, he shook his head, deciding to organize his desk later. He glanced down at his watch and then headed out to the station. Lunch with Jim made for a much more attractive activity than wondering who the hell wanted to fuck him over at the university because he screwed up by doing the right thing about rich boy Ventriss.

Jim sipped his tea and watched as Blair played with the carrot strips in his salad. "You okay?"

"Sure."

"You seem a little distracted."

"I am, a little." Blair sat back and put his fork down. He pushed a curl behind his ear. "I just found out that some people at the university think I'm wasting my time working with cops."

"Like that's a newsflash."

Blair met his steady gaze. "What?"

"You're a smart guy, Sandburg. You had to know people at Rainier think you're just playing cop."

"Is that what you think, that I'm just playing cop?"

Frowning as he put his tea on the table, Jim leaned in. "You know better than that."

"Do I?"

"I don't think that, Chief. I know why you're here, remember?"

Flushing, embarrassed by his own defensiveness, Blair shrugged and looked away. "I'm sorry. It's just that it pisses me off. It's like I have to watch my back in two places, the station and at school. It gets old, man."

Jim hesitated. "You thinking about leaving?"

Startled, Blair shook his head in disbelief. "Where the hell did that come from?"

"I'm just worried that you're getting tired of living in two worlds. I don't want you to leave this one."

"It's not two worlds, Jim. It's the same world, my world. I just have to learn how to balance it better."

"You do okay."

"Thanks, but we both know it's been getting harder. Ever since the Ventriss thing, Edwards has had it in for me. In fact, several cronies of Ventriss Senior weren't exactly happy to see me hang around. I have to watch myself, that's all. I can't afford to lose my only paycheck, meager as it is."

Jim nodded, his face calm but serious. "Have there been any actual threats about that?"

"These aren't the kind of people who threaten you to your face, man. They're the kind who don't fund your next project and cut off grant money the first chance they get."

"Has that happened?"

"Not yet, but I wouldn't be surprised if the next proposal I write gets stonewalled." Blair raised a hand in a stop motion and shook his head. "Look, it's nothing. I'm just tired."

"That's because you haven't been sleeping."

Blair didn't even ask how Jim knew that. It didn't take a sentinel to hear screaming. "Sorry about last night."

"I've had nightmares before, too. Want to talk about it?"

"Not really."

"Okay." Jim motioned to Blair's salad. "You didn't eat much. You want something else?"

"I'm not hungry." Blair put his napkin on the table and looked around. "Why don't we head back to the station? Didn't you say you had to prepare for a meeting with the DA on the Warren case this afternoon?"

"I do. I could use your help on another case, though. I've got this series of robberies I'd like you to look at. I'm pretty sure there's a connection through the temp service each store uses, but I'd like your take on it."

"Sure. No problem."

"Then later I can heat up dinner. Spaghetti's better the second night anyway."

Blair grimaced and shook his head. "Sorry, Jim. I've got a meeting tonight. It starts at seven."

"You still have to eat."

"There's going to be food."

Jim tilted his head, his ears catching the tell-tale quickening heartbeat. "What kind of meeting is it?"

Blair avoided his gaze and stood up while he pulled out his wallet. He dropped a ten on the table. "It's just school business. Boring stuff. I'm going to make a pit stop. Pay the bill for me and I'll meet you outside."

As Blair headed to the back of the restaurant, Jim picked up the money and headed to the register. After paying the bill, he waited at the door instead of going outside, his mind wandering, begging to know what Blair really had to do at seven. He didn't believe for a minute that his partner had a meeting.

"You still here, man?"

"Thought I'd wait inside instead."

As Blair pushed past him, Jim touched his shoulder. Blair stopped and turned, puzzled. "What?"

"Skip the meeting tonight and stay home."

A pained expression flickered, but the blue eyes blinked and then looked away again. "I can't, man." Without waiting, Blair pushed open the door and headed to the truck, his hands stuffed deep into his jacket pockets.

Jim followed, his eyes trained on Blair's back, his growing concern about his friend gibbering and carrying on in his head like crazy.

Blair settled into the plush sofa and sipped the white wine before lifting it in a toast. "Nice spread, Dr. Chambers. Here's to being a really good cook."

"Thank you, but you didn't eat very much. No wonder you keep such a trim body."

Uncomfortable with the suggestive tone, Blair finished his drink and put the glass on the table. His body tense, his stomach knotted, he wanted to leave, but took a deep breath instead. "You said we could talk about school after we finished eating."

"So I did." Chambers sat down on the other end of the couch and turned toward him, his leg bent and resting up on the cushion. "I wish you'd call me Claude like I asked you to. Dr. Chambers sounds so formal. Makes me feel old."

"Sure, okay. Look, I don't want to be rude, Claude, but I've had a long day and I'd really like to talk about what you think I should do about the problems at the university."

Smiling, Chambers tilted his head, his watery blue eyes never leaving Blair's direction. "Would you be terribly upset if I told you that was just a ruse to get you here?"

Brain swarming, Blair's dry throat ached. "And why would you do that?"

"Well, I wasn't lying about what people are saying. They do think you should have your head examined for losing sight of your future. You're better than playing cops and robbers."

Careful not to show his anger, Blair struggled to keep his voice even. "And what do you think?"

"You're a talented anthropologist, gifted even. I also think I could be very helpful in making sure that you don't lose your job if certain parties decided to work against you." Shifting closer, he sat thigh to thigh. His voice more husky, Chambers ran his hand up the front of Blair's shirt. "I could protect you. I'd like that. I like you."

Pulling away, Blair stood up, adrenalin pumping, his head pounding with anger. "Don't do this, man. You're married. I thought we were friends."

Chambers remained seated as he stared at Blair, his voice chilling. "I want more than that, Blair. Much more. In exchange I can make sure your position at the university is safe from the likes of Edwards and Wilson."

"And if I'm not interested?"

Smiling, his eyes dark with desire, Chambers spoke in a hush. "I wouldn't suggest that. I can make things even more difficult."

"Fuck."

"That'll do for a start."

Shaking his head, Blair bit his lower lip and aimed his words carefully. "Whatever made you think I'd go for this shit?"

"I've seen you with your detective friend. Very nice, I must say. It's not hard to see what you see in the man."

"He's my friend, not my lover. I date women."

"Don't we all?" Shifting forward, Chambers intensified his effort. "I can make sure you get a permanent position at the university. You want funds for your own expedition? I can make that happen. Being friendly isn't too much to ask."

"Friendly? You call sleeping with you being friendly?"

"I'm asking for an occasional fuck, not a lifelong commitment."

"Speaking of which, what about Pamela?"

"What about her?"

"Does she know about you?"

For the first time Chambers hesitated. "Leave her out of this."

"That's a little hard to do, man. She's your wife."

"She's also away fifty percent of the time. A man has needs."

Blair bit back the rant in his head, the urge to shout how disgusting Chambers looked being lecherous. Instead, he steadied his words. "You're pathetic, and your needs aren't my concern. I don't want any part of this."

As he turned to leave, Chambers leaped up and blocked the doorway. "I'm not finished."

"Oh, yes, you are." Chambers reached out only to have his hand batted away. "Don't touch me."

"God, you're so fucking stupid. Do you have any idea how much trouble I can cause?"

"Do you have any idea how fast I can dial Pamela in Europe?"

Stung, Chambers hissed. "Fuck you."

"In your dreams, man. Now move the hell out of my way."

The older man hesitated and then reluctantly stepped aside. "You're going to regret this. I promise you that."

Instead of storming out, Blair turned, his eyes blazing. "I can regret a lot of shit in my life, Chambers, but not fucking you isn't one of them. Now, if I were you, I'd reconsider spending time making my life miserable. Life is too damn short to waste it."

As he stepped through the door, Chambers snapped viciously. "You should've died in that fucking fountain, Sandburg. You're an arrogant little shit who's nothing but trouble."

Not stopping, Blair made it to his Volvo, his hands shaking as he unlocked the door. Blinking several times to clear his vision, he started the car and drove away, an echo of curses drumming in his head. Hurt ripped at his belly, his shoulders hunched forward as he struggled to pay attention to the traffic. God, he hated conflict, hated the overwhelming desire to just go back in time and just let the icy water swallow him whole and be done with it.

Jim paced and glared at the clock again. He stopped suddenly at the ping of the elevator and stepped to the door, jerking it open as Blair reached for the knob. "Where the fuck have you been? I've been worried sick."

"I'm fine." The words came out smothered in the stench of liquor. Blair staggered in past Jim and fumbled to take off his coat, his movements awkward and jerky.

"You're drunk."

"Yep."

"Shit. Tell me you didn't drive like this."

"Nope, no driving."

Jim reached over and helped Blair extricate himself from the jacket and then eased him over to the sofa. As his friend sagged down, head back, Blair covered his eyes with his hand. "Bad night, man."

"No kidding. You want to tell me what happened?"

"No."

Jim sat down on the sofa next to his partner, his hand stretched out across the back cushions. "You leave for a meeting at seven and show up eight hours later drunk off your ass. I need you to tell me what happened."

"Lost the car."

"Lost the car?"

"I think I left it at Marty's."

"That's a long walk. You should've called me."

"Needed to think. Can't think in the dark."

Jim frowned as he reached over and pulled Blair's arm away from his face. "Look at me, Chief. What's going on with you?"

Blair didn't pull away, but he kept his eyes shut. "I'm tired."

"I know you're tired. You can go to bed as soon as you tell me what happened."

"You don't want to know, man. Jesus, I'm fucked."

Chilled by the plaintive tone, Jim moved closer, his hand squeezing Blair's arm gently. "It's okay."

"You think so?"

"Sure. You get some sleep and we'll talk in the morning when you're sober."

As Jim stood to pull him to his feet, Blair resisted. "I'll sleep here."

"Not tonight, buddy. Come on, get up. I don't want to carry you."

"Think you could?"

Jim tilted his head and smiled at the joke. "Is that a rhetorical question?"

Surrendering with a snort, Blair got to his feet, unsteady, but leaning against Jim as they made it to his room. Slumping down to his bed, he moaned as he flopped back. "God, the room's spinning. Make it stop."

"Wish I could." While Blair lay there not moving, eyes shut, face pale, Jim lifted his legs and straightened his body on the bed. "Go to sleep. You'll probably feel worse in the morning."

"God."

Jim took off Blair's shoes and draped a blanket over him before sitting down in the chair next to the bed. Then he turned off the light and sat vigil, using his night vision to keep watch over his troubled friend.

The moans from Blair's room brought Jim from the kitchen. He crossed his arms and leaned against the frame of the door, not the least bit amused at the wretched state of his partner. "You going to live?"

"That's the question. Jesus, my head."

"Still there. Want some coffee?"

Struggling to sit upright, Blair managed, but just barely. Holding his face with both hands, he groaned through his fingers. "Aspirin first."

Jim fetched the pills and water. Blair swallowed them down and handed back the empty glass. "Thanks."

"Shower and shave. We've got some talking to do."

"Shit, Jim. Give me a break here."

Without missing a beat, Jim thumped him on his forehead. "No excuses. Now move before I get pissed."

Grumbling about bossy ass sentinels, Blair grabbed up some clean sweats and headed for the bathroom. Jim poured himself coffee and finished off his bagel. After several minutes, a damp guide padded barefoot to the table and sagged down, his curls still wet from the shower. A fleck of lather clung to the lower edge of his chin and Jim reached out to clean it off. Blair jerked back in surprise. "What?"

"Missed a spot."

Rubbing his jaw, Blair avoided Jim's watchful gaze as the older man got up, heated up his own drink, and put a fresh cup in front of him. As soon as he settled back down in his seat, Jim nudged him. "Now, talk."

"What time is it? Shouldn't you be at work?"

"It's after noon and it's Saturday. Good thing, too. You were in no shape to go be a role model for students."

"I guess not." Head still hanging low, Blair used both hands to pick up his coffee. He sipped it a few times before he finally spoke. "I wasn't at a meeting last night."

"No kidding."

"No, no kidding. I went to dinner at Claude Chamber's house. He said he wanted to talk about organizing a new expedition."

"What expedition?"

Blair swallowed hard several times before he managed to speak. "I'm so fucking stupid."

"About what?"

"He made a pass at me. I should've seen it coming. Hell, I did see it coming, but I just didn't want to believe it. He's married for christsakes."

Jim frowned and sat back, his cop training keeping his voice steady. "So you got drunk because somebody came on to you?"

"It's not just that. He said some really nasty things, hurtful things. I guess I kind of lost it."

Clenching his jaw, wanting to snap Claude Chambers in half, he sat still through sheer willpower. "What kind of things?"

"You don't really want to know that."

"Yes, I do. You're not the kind of guy who goes out and gets plastered for no reason. What did he say exactly?

Arms wrapped around his chest, Blair shook his head. "It doesn't matter. It was all so stupid. He said he'd cause trouble at school, but I threatened to tell his wife. He's not going to do anything. Pamela would cream his ass. It just hit me really hard, man, that's all. He really thought I'd fuck him to keep a damn job. What an asshole."

"Asshole is being kind."

Blair sighed and shrugged. "Anyway, after I left his place, I was too keyed up to come back here."

"So you went and got drunk?"

"Seemed like a good idea at the time."

"And in retrospect?"

"It was a shitty idea. I feel like hell."

Jim took in the haggard features and bloodshot eyes. "No argument here." He leaned forward, his voice sturdy, but softer. "Why didn't you just come home and tell me this last night after it happened?"

"I didn't know what you'd do."

"What did you think I'd do?"

"I don't know. I thought you might get pissed and do something stupid."

"More stupid than getting too drunk to stand?"

"Good point." Blair pushed back his drying hair with both hands, his face drawn and tense. "I'm sorry. I was just too upset to think straight."

Frowning, Jim stood up and brought a pitcher of orange juice to the table. He poured himself and Blair drinks before he sat down. After a long pause, he fisted his hands together in front of his face. "I think you should report this guy. It's sexual harassment."

Blair met his eyes and shook his head. "What's the point, man? It's his word against mine. I don't want the hassle. Besides, I took care of it. It's not him I'm worried about."

"You're losing me."

"He said others want me out of the school, too. I never realized you could make so many enemies by doing the right thing. They're still pissed Ventriss Enterprises withdrew funding from university projects."

"And they blame you for that?"

"Apparently."

"Fuck."

"Yeah, I know. It sucks."

Jim pinched the bridge of his nose and sat back. "What are you going to do about it?"

"About what?"

"These people causing trouble."

Blair stood up and walked to the window, his face grim. "You don't get it. There's nothing to do. I just have to hang in there and hope I don't give them anymore ammunition to get rid of me."

"But you're miserable."

Turning, he met Jim's eyes. "School's only part of the problem, Jim. It's more complicated than that."

"Complicated how?"

"I can't explain, man. It just is." Frustrated, Jim stood up to clean the table, his face stony. "You pissed?"

"This Chambers guy is damn lucky I don't go over there and kick his ass."

"And what would that prove?"

Tossing the wash cloth in the sink, Jim snapped, "Nothing, but it'd make me feel a hell of a lot better." Bracing one arm on the counter and the other on his hip, Jim shook his head. "I don't know what to do here."

"I thought you were going over to Simon's to help him work on his new deck."

"I'm not talking about that."

Blair moved to the kitchen, his arms crossed as he leaned against the support beam. "I know you're not, man. I'm sorry. I just need to work out some things. I don't mean to be such a pain in the ass about it."

Jim stepped closer, his body only a few inches away as he put his hands on both Blair's shoulders. "I'm going to say just one more thing and then I'll shut up about this. Do what you have to, but just make sure you know I'm here for you when you need me."

"Thanks, Jim. I really appreciate that." The words came out hushed, the air wispy and hot between them.

Patting Blair's cheek, Jim hesitated a few seconds before the younger man backed away nervously. The spell broken, Jim gestured toward the door. "You feel up to staining a deck, Sandburg?"

Blair raised a hand to ward off such an evil fate and shook his head. "I'll bow out if you don't mind, man. I still feel pretty ragged."

"Okay, you get some rest. I'll stop and get us something on the way back from Simon's so don't worry about cooking." Grabbing his jacket off the hook, Jim stopped and turned back around when he reached the door. "Get some rest, Chief. Things will be a lot easier once you're feeling better. I mean it."

"Sure."

Outside, Jim sighed as he pulled up his collar and waited for the elevator, his mind going over what Blair told him about Chambers and the shit going on at Rainier. He clenched his jaw and decided Simon's deck could wait a little bit longer.

Parking the truck, Jim got out and walked the long driveway. He took in the expensive surroundings, a pretty fancy place for a college professor, and blocked out the fact that his father only lived two blocks around the corner.

A few knocks and Chambers answered, his face painfully thin and pale. Fear flashed in the older man's eyes as Jim introduced himself. "I'm Jim Ellison, Blair Sandburg's partner."

"I know who you are." The voice shook despite the obvious effort to be brave. "We've got nothing to say to one another."

"Oh, I've got plenty to say. May I come in?" His voice remained cold, steeled from years of dealing with killers and thugs, people Jim didn't hate any more than Chambers at the moment.

Defeated, Chambers reluctantly stepped aside and Jim walked down the hallway into the living room, a space as lifeless as its owner. As soon as Chambers joined him, Jim demanded, "I want to know what happened last night between you and Sandburg."

Chambers pursed his lips, studying Jim for a few moments before he spoke. "Would you like a drink, Detective?"

"No. I want answers."

"Well, I'll have one then." As he poured himself a whiskey, Chambers' hands shook. "What did he say happened?"

"He said you wanted to fuck him."

Startled by the blunt response, Chambers paused and then sipped his drink. "Essentially, I suppose that's the gist of it, yes."

"He also said that you threatened to cause trouble if he didn't sleep with you. Did you say that?"

Walking over to the long window across the front side of the room, Chambers stared out at the perfectly mowed lawn. "I didn't mean it. It's a sad thing to admit, but I sometimes drink too much. A man gets lonely and does stupid things. I'm sorry."

"I'm not the one who needs an apology." His hands fisted, Jim stepped closer as he spoke, his voice pushing the stiff words. "I want to know what else you said to him."

"What difference does it make, Detective? They were just words in the heat of anger after being rebuffed. Having one's fantasy bashed is grounds for being petty, wouldn't you say?"

"No, I wouldn't. Now, I want the truth. What did you say?"

Chambers met his gaze and then smiled weakly. "He must have been pretty upset to get you here in such a mood, my friend."

"I'm not your friend."

Nodding, Chambers walked back to the bar and refilled his glass. "But, I'm right. Your young man came home upset and now you're feeling all butch and protective. How romantic. Who said love is dead these days?"

Realization dawning, Jim frowned. "You think we're a couple, so you thought you'd make a move on Sandburg?"

"Well, a man can try."

"You're pathetic."

"So I've been told. Now, if you'll leave, I'll go drown my sorrows."

Jim shook his head and stepped closer. "Not before you tell me about the others. I want to know who's got it in for Sandburg."

"Dear man, surely you realize that Blair's career at Rainier is on self-destruct. Ventriss saw to that, but it's not just that. It's been going down hill for a long time."

"How so? Blair's a good teacher."

Chambers took another drink and then sat down in a chair, one arm back and the other holding the glass. "Blair's an anthropologist at heart, not a teacher. Turning down Stoddard was a huge mistake, but he could've survived if he'd found another expedition. Bailey had financing to go to Bolivia and wanted Blair, but he refused that one, too. You can't get anywhere in his field by turning down opportunities like that. Throw in this nonsense about sentinels for his dissertation and he might as well cut his own throat. Academically, he's sabotaging his own career."

Angry again, Jim seethed, his words forced through clenched teeth. "So you were going to make it easier by fucking him?"

"Well, I do have some pull with the administration. I could keep the jackals at bay. It was an offer he refused. His loss."

Before Chambers lifted the glass, Jim knocked it out of his hand, the crystal shattering against the wall. "Get up."

Chambers remained seated, his cadaverous features even more drained than before. His thin lips stretched the words. "Why? You want to hit me, Detective? Would that solve anything?"

Rage sputtered to disgust. "You're right. You're not worth it." Grabbing the front of his shirt, Jim leaned in. "But I'm warning you. If you or any of those assholes go after him, they'd better be prepared to go through me first. Understand?"

"Completely."

Jim stood up and stepped away, his lungs tight as his muscles tensed in frustration. "On Monday I want you to call and apologize. Tell him you're going to do whatever you can to make sure those other shits don't bother him."

Elbows on the armrests, hands clasped together in front of his face, Chambers smiled. "Certainly. I can do that."

"You think this is funny?"

"Not at all. I'm just wondering how long you've been in love with him."

Flushed, Jim rubbed his face with one hand and struggled not to spit. "He's my best friend. He doesn't deserve to be treated like shit."

Chambers laughed out loud as he stood up and stepped closer. "He's more than a friend, Detective. Be honest. You don't have to tell me, but I've got eyes. I've been watching Blair Sandburg since he came here as a boy. I know what he's like and I know he wouldn't be throwing away a career that he loves so much and worked so hard for if there weren't something he wanted more."

"What are you saying?"

"You're the detective, Ellison. You figure it out. Now, if you don't mind, I've had a enough of macho posturing for one morning and I need a nap. If you'll excuse me, let yourself out." Before Jim responded, Chambers left the room, the scent of stale liquor and sweat trailing behind him.

Massaging his throbbing temples with one hand, Jim took a deep breath and then headed out to the truck. He didn't want to think about what Chambers said, but no matter how hard he tried, he kept coming back to it. Did Blair really care that much, to sacrifice his academic life to be with him? Did he deserve that kind of commitment? Jesus, how did he miss that?

Knowing his own feelings was one thing, dealing with Blair's another. Too many wild ideas slammed at him at once, so he put off thinking about it and started the engine. Maybe the fumes from the deck stain would make things clearer.

"I didn't think you were coming."

Jim stepped in past Simon, his body still wired. "Something came up."

Shutting the door behind him, Simon frowned. "You okay?"

"I'm fine."

"You look like the wrong end of a bad shift. What gives?"

Moving to the patio doors, Jim looked out at the finished deck. "You did it yourself."

"Thought I might as well since the help didn't show. Now, stop stalling and tell me what's going on."

"I'm really sorry, Simon. I meant to get here earlier."

Simon frowned and motioned toward the kitchen. "Want a beer?"

"Sure."

Following his friend, Jim settled at the kitchen table, still unsure of what he wanted to think about. A bottle in front of him broke through his thoughts as Simon sat across from him. "Okay, spill it."

"Things with Sandburg are a little messed up right now."

"When haven't they been messed up?"

"I'm serious. He came in drunk last night because some pervert from school tried to harass him."

Simon sat back, his arms crossed, his brows furrowed. "That's pretty serious. Is he okay?"

"No, he's not okay. He hasn't been okay for a long time. This was just more shit to add to the load."

Nodding, Simon took a deep breath before he leaned in and spoke quietly. "I know he's seeing a shrink, Jim. He told me that yesterday when he came in. Said he didn't want rumors to fly."

Hopeful, Jim met concerned eyes. "Did he say why he decided to see someone now?"

"Not specifically, but I figured it had to do with nearly dying and everything that's happened since. He hasn't been happy since Mexico. Your recent little fling with the femme fatale de jour didn't help any."

Jim snorted, the spike of remembering his betrayal with Veronica still fresh and painful. "He's pissed and miserable."

"And that's not like him. So, maybe this shrink deal is a good thing."

"I've got no problem with him seeing someone. I just wish he'd talk to me about what's really going on."

"What do you think is really going on?"

"I don't know, Simon, but I just feel like he's slipping away. It's like he's afraid of me."

"Afraid?" Dark eyes studied him. "Afraid in what way?"

Jim hesitated as he avoided looking at Simon. "Every time I touch him, he pulls away. He didn't used to do that."

"I've noticed that. He's skittish as hell, no doubt about that."

"But why? He doesn't do that with you or anyone else." Jim sat forward, his hands fisted, his body tight. "What's he so afraid of?" Simon hesitated, started to speak, but then shook his head. "What?"

"You don't want to hear my thoughts on this, Jim. Besides, it's just a theory."

Frustrated, Jim pressed harder. "If I didn't want to hear it, I wouldn't ask. I trust your judgment."

Simon didn't speak right away, but instead drank some beer and then settled back, his voice deep and even. "I think he's in love with you. I think he has been for a long time."

"Fuck."

"What?"

"I was afraid you were going to say that."

"Well, you're going to hate the next part even more then. I also think you're in love with him, but you're too damn bullheaded to admit it."

Jim rubbed his eyes with the ball of his fists, his guts like one huge knot. "I didn't mean for this to happen."

"Of course not, but it has. So now what, you pretend it's a no go?"

Holding both hands out in exasperation, Jim shook his head. "What the hell am I supposed to do about it? There's no way it could work out. We're too different."

"Is that the real problem or is it that you're too much alike as in you're both men?"

Sitting back, Jim wrapped his arms around his chest and avoided Simon's knowing gaze. "Of course, that's part of it. I won't lie and say it's not, but you know I don't have any prejudice against gays."

"Unless you happen to be one."

"I'm not gay and neither is Sandburg."

"Then you've got an even bigger problem than I thought."

"What's that?"

"Denial."

"Shit." Jim stood up and paced the small kitchen, the pressure in his head growing. "You really think I'm in denial about what I feel for him?"

"Seems that way."

"Well, I'm not. I do love him, but I don't know if sex is a part of that."

"Love is more than just sex, Jim."

"I fucking know that." Still moving, still energized by his own emotions, Jim slammed his fist into the counter and then halted. "Besides, this isn't about how I feel. It's about Blair. He's in serious trouble and I don't know what to do."

Simon remained seated, his voice calm. "Maybe it would help if he knew how you really felt about him."

"How can I tell him what I don't know myself?"

"You know part of it. That's a start."

"It could also be an ending."

"Maybe. Never knew you to be a man afraid of risks, though."

Jim settled back into the chair, his lower back tight and aching. "I'm not as young or as foolhardy as I used to be."

"Foolhardy or not, I think it's something you have to consider."

Nodding, Jim stole a glance sideways. "What about work?"

"What about it?"

"Come on, Simon. You know what I'm asking. If I did this thing with Sandburg, it could change everything."

Simon smiled, his teeth a bright contrast to his rich, dark skin. "It didn't bother me when you were married to Carolyn. Why should this be any different?"

Surprised by the comparison, Jim scooted back from the table. "You really think that it's the same thing?"

"In a lot of ways, yeah, I do. Besides, you know I'll do everything I can to support whatever you two decide to do. I like the kid. I think he deserves the truth."

"And if he's not interested?"

"Then I'll throw in my badge, because I'm a shitty detective and don't deserve command."

Surrendering to his friend's vehemence, Jim picked up his beer, but shook his head again. "This could be a huge mistake."

"Maybe, but you won't know until you talk to Sandburg and put your cards on the table."

"It's not cards I'm worried about. This is uncharted territory."

Simon chuckled as he picked up his beer bottle and clinked it against the other. "I hate to break it to you, Jim, but you've been in uncharted territory ever since you met the kid."

Blair paced nervously in the office, his mind scattered, nothing settled, wild thoughts skittering away before he could catch them. Air nagged at his lungs, but he found breathing a challenge. The world buzzed and he wanted to close his eyes and just settle down to nothing but quiet.

"Blair, would you like some water?"

"No, I'm fine."

"If you were fine, you wouldn't have needed to come in without a regular appointment."

Stopping at the window, Blair palmed his forehead to slow down the rising panic. "I appreciate you fitting me in on such short notice, Dr. Logan. I know I must have sounded like a head case on the phone."

"You sounded upset and you look anxious. Did something happen?"

"Oh, man, did it." Blair turned away from the window and paced again, this time his heart thumping so hard his chest ached. "A professor I've known for years came on to me last night. Worse he threatened trouble at school if I didn't put out. I got that part sorted out, but, shit, I freaked." He stopped and leaned his back against the wall, his arms crossed tightly around his himself. "I didn't handle it very well."

"Did this man touch you?"

"He didn't get the chance. It's just I should've seen it coming, you know? I used to read people better."

"You can't blame yourself for his actions."

"No, but I can blame myself for getting shitfaced and then going home to Jim."

"You got drunk?"

"Big time."

"Do you drink often?"

Blair shook his head, his face serious and grim. "No, I don't have a problem with that."

"So last night was an exception?"

"Yeah."

"How did Jim react?"

"To the drinking?"

"To the harassment."

Biting his lower lip, Blair moved away from the wall into the chair. "He wanted me to file charges."

"And you?"

"I don't see the point. But with Jim, he's a cop. He thinks like that."

Logan turned and faced Blair, one hand free, the other still holding a pen. "You work with cops, Blair. Why don't you see the point of filing charges against someone who sexually harassed you?"

"It's because I work with cops that I feel that way. I'm not as naive as I used to be. I've seen how things work. It's his word against mine and I'm in enough trouble at school already. Fuck."

Blair swallowed hard, his face flushed as he remembered the galling arrogance of Brad Ventriss. "Hell, someone can rape a girl and without the physical evidence and sometimes even with it, the guy gets off. It's a no win for the victim. It sucks, man. What Chambers did was shitty, but nothing compared to what other things people have done."

"So the victim shouldn't even try to get justice?"

"I didn't say that. I just think sometimes you have to pick your battles. I feel war weary enough without adding that campaign to the list." Still wound tight, Blair shifted and leaned forward, his elbows braced on his knees. "To be honest, there's something else bothering me."

"What's that?"

"Last night when I turned him down, Chambers was screaming about how he wished I'd died in the fountain."

"Is that where you drowned, in a fountain?"

"Yeah, and the thing is, for a moment, just a moment in my mind, I agreed with him." Blair waited, the silence several long beats before he raised his head to meet Logan's concerned gaze. "Well?"

"Are you saying you wished you'd died and stayed dead?"

"I didn't mean it, at least not for long."

"But you thought it?"

"Yeah, and I've never done that before. It kind of scared me."

"Good."

"Good?"

Logan sat forward, his hands both on the desk. "I'd be more concerned if it hadn't scared you." His voice softened. "Blair, it's normal to sometimes get so discouraged that you have those kinds of thoughts. It's if you dwell on them or come to believe them and don't get any help that you're in trouble."

"Funny. I feel like I'm in trouble. It's like I can't get it out of my head. This dying thing keeps popping up no matter how much I try to get rid of it. The nightmares are getting worse, not better."

"Nightmares?"

"I keep going through it over and over. Alex shows up with the gun and then I'm swallowed by pain and icy water. I can't breathe and there's nothing I can do. I can't move."

"It sounds scary."

"It is. In the dreams, I'm just dying. Jim doesn't come for me and it's dark and cold and I'm all alone. Forever." The last few words choked and Blair pushed away the tear from his cheek, hating the emptiness sucking away at his heart.

Logan tilted his head, his voice steady and calm. "When we first met, you said Jim saved your life then. How did that happen?"

"He wouldn't give up. He followed me in."

"Followed you in?"

Blair blinked several times before he trusted himself to meet Logan's eyes. "What I'm going to say is going to sound crazy. It scares Jim shitless to even talk about it."

Logan watched him but kept his face passive. "I've heard a lot of crazy things, Blair. Try me."

"They declared me dead, but Jim wouldn't give up and touched me, touched my face. Then I saw myself as a wolf at the edge of a forest. When I turned to leave, a black panther blocked my path. Wouldn't let me pass. We both leaped at one another and merged in this enormous bright light." Blair paused and took a deep breath, his lungs struggling. "I can't tell you the feeling I had, the wholeness of it, like the perfect peace. But then I woke up and it hurt like hell. Still, I remember it clearly."

"It doesn't sound crazy. A lot of people have near death experiences."

"But how many share the same vision with their partners?"

"Are you saying Jim saw the same thing you did?"

"Yeah, but from the panther's point of view. Spooky, huh?"

Arching an eyebrow, Logan nodded, "A little. What do you think it means?"

Blair snorted with desperate amusement at the question. "Like I know? If it'd just been me, I might have gone along with the explanation of the endorphin rush the doctors gave. But when Jim had the same thing happen, that knocked that theory to shit. What do I think? I think Jim and I have a connection that goes beyond the physical. That's why Jim won't talk about it. He doesn't do metaphysical if he can help it."

"So how does he explain it?"

"He doesn't. He just says he's not ready to take that trip with me yet."

"Maybe he's not."

"I know. It's just hard thinking that we're meant to be together and he doesn't want that."

"He didn't say he didn't want it. He said he wasn't ready. There's a difference."

"Semantics."

"I think it's more than that. Besides, didn't you say you weren't sure about what you wanted, either?"

Relaxing a little, Blair sat back and pushed his hair out of his face. "Ah, you took notes."

Raising a pen in salute, Logan nodded. "Notes are my life. Now, have you thought any more about what you want from your relationship with Jim?"

Flushed slightly, Blair licked his lower lip, measuring carefully what he wanted to say. "Remember how I said Jim stopped touching me?

"Yes."

"Well, the famine's over. He's touching me all the time now."

"You don't sound pleased about that. How's he touching you exactly?"

Blair shook his head as he took in the deeper meaning of the question. "Nothing inappropriate. Jim wouldn't do anything I didn't want. He's just surprised me a couple of times, that's all."

"And did that make you uncomfortable?"

Pausing, Blair looked away before he answered, his hands in his lap and his feet tapping. "It's just I don't want it to be wishful thinking."

"You don't want what to be wishful thinking?"

"I don't want to imagine that it's more than just touching. When he's in a good mood, Jim's affectionate with people he cares about. I don't want to read more into it than that, like he might be wanting something more than friendship."

Logan nodded and jotted down a few words before he asked. "How does it make you feel when he touches you like that?"

"Scared sometimes."

Thoughtful, Logan studied him. "Scared about what?"

"That he'll turn it off again. That he'll find another woman and then I'll be left looking stupid."

"So what you're saying is that when Jim's not dating, he's affectionate with you and when he is seeing someone, he keeps his hands to himself."

"Pretty much, yeah. In the beginning it wasn't a big deal. We both dated a lot. Jim said my love life was like a train wreck, but his wasn't much better. He usually never dated anyone more than once. But after Alex, that changed."

"How does that make you feel?"

"Like I'm a convenience, that he could leave anytime and then I'd have nothing."

"Do you think you need Jim to have something in your life?"

Blair met Logan's eyes and sighed. "Check your notes, Doc. I think I said that already. I think I also mentioned I was fucked."

"So you did. I'll have to highlight that." Logan smiled briefly as he sat back, rubbing his chin. "When Jim touches you, does it make you feel anything besides scared?"

Standing up, Blair circled the room several times before he answered, his tongue stuck on confession. "Lately, it makes me really turned on. I can't explain it."

"You've never felt sexual feelings for him before?"

"I didn't say that. Not exactly."

"Describe what you mean by sexual feelings."

Frowning, Blair stopped at the window and stared out, his voice unsteady. "I've started having these fantasies. Man, talk about weird."

"Why are they weird?"

"Because I've never been with a man. I'm not saying that I've never thought about it, but if I'm going to jerk off, it's a woman I usually think about."

"Any particular woman?"

"It varies." He stopped, hesitating, the power of the words building inside him. "Lately though, it's been Jim."

"Any other men?"

"No, only Jim." He stuffed his hands in his pockets as he leaned against the wall by the window. "The first time was in the shower. Shocked the hell out of me, but I came hard enough to about take my head off. Now, it's all the time."

"When did this start?"

Swallowing a few times, Blair shrugged. "In Mexico."

Sitting up, Logan's eyes narrowed. "Mexico? So these sexual feelings started right after your drowning?"

"To tell you the truth, I think I woke up in the hospital with a hard on. Damn embarrassing."

Logan laughed lightly. "It's not unusual. Survival can be a hell of a turn on."

"Don't I know it." Biting his lower lip, still avoiding Logan's direct gaze, Blair shook his head. "I guess I'm kidding myself when I say I don't know what I want. I do. I just don't think I can get it. Worse than that, even if Jim were to offer some hope, I think it would scare me worse than no hope at all."

Puzzled, Logan frowned. "Why's that?"

"Because Jim's got all the power. Pretty face comes along and he's gone again. I don't know if I could take that."

Pursing his lips, Logan hesitated and then spoke quietly. "What if Jim were a woman?"

"What?"

"What if he were a woman you wanted? Would you hesitate to try to have a relationship or would you be too afraid she'd leave you when the first handsome man came along?"

Stumped by the comparison, Blair remained quiet for a few moments. "You think I'm insecure."

"It's not about what I think. What do you think?"

"I think I need to think about this some more and come up with some better excuses."

Jim put the last of the groceries away and folded the paper bag. As he put it under the sink in the recycling bin, Blair opened the door. "Hey, Chief."

"Jim." Hanging his coat up, Blair ran his hand through his hair and then stood at the end of the counter. "You get Simon's deck finished?"

"I got there a little late. He'd already done it himself. I did help him put the final touches on the railing though. I figure come spring, we're due some free barbeque on his fancy new grill."

"New grill, huh? Sounds cool. I can just see Simon in an apron and chef's hat doing the honors." Suddenly puzzled, Blair frowned and rubbed his head. "He must have gotten started early to finish before you got there though."

Uneasy, Jim crossed his arms and braced himself back on the counter. "I sort of took a detour."

Groaning, Blair faced him. "Don't tell me you went to see Chambers."

"Yeah, well, I was concerned..."

"And pissed."

"And pissed. Still, I needed to see the man for myself. So sue me for being worried."

Shrugging, Blair went to the sofa and sagged down, his face still pale and drawn. He closed his eyes and let his head fall back. "It doesn't matter."

"He's going to call and apologize on Monday."

"Fine."

"You okay?"

"Headache. I don't drink worth shit."

"Want some aspirin?"

"Already done, man. Just has to kick in."

After a long pause, Jim sat down on the end of the couch, his body tense as he worked up the will to say what he needed to say. Words stuck to his tongue, his throat dry and tight. "Blair?"

"Yeah?"

"I think we need to talk about some things."

Blair opened his eyes and turned his head in Jim's direction. "Some things? What things?"

"I'm not really sure how to say this."

"Say what?"

Jim stood up and walked to the window, his courage edgy. "I've been trying to figure out a way to say this so I don't fuck up."

Sitting up, brow furrowed, Blair shook his head. "You're losing me, Jim. What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong. I just have trouble saying what I'm feeling."

"Feeling about what?"

"About you."

Rapid heartbeat and hitched breathing turned Jim from the window to stare at his partner. "It's nothing bad, Chief, honest. It's just that we're both kind of gun shy about things right now and I don't want to scare you too much by saying the wrong thing."

"Wrong thing? Jim, the only wrong thing you could say would be to tell me to leave again. I don't think I could stand that."

Stung by the memory, Jim swallowed hard and returned to the sofa. "I'm sorry about what happened before. You know that."

"It's nice to hear it."

"I should've said it sooner. It's just hard to admit when you've been a complete asshole." Hesitating, Jim touched Blair's shoulder and squeezed gently. "I don't want you to ever leave. You mean too much to me."

"Do I?"

The hushed words begged for an answer. Cupping his partner's cheek, Jim noted the quickened breath and nodded. "I think I love you."

Not pulling away, his voice strained, Blair whispered, "I need to know what you're really saying here, man. You're my best friend and you're not the only one scared shitless about fucking up. Tell me what you really mean."

"I mean I'm in love with you, Blair. Is that clear enough for you?"

"Shit."

"That's not exactly the answer I wanted to hear."

Blair sat up and pulled away. "When did you decide all this?"

"I don't know. I've been thinking about it for awhile now. Why? Are you saying you don't feel the same way?"

"I didn't say that."

Sitting back, Jim gauged his friend's nervousness as he stretched his arm out over the back of the sofa. "Tell me what you're feeling."

"Scared."

"About what?"

"About getting fucked over again."

"Is this about my time with Veronica?"

"It's not just about her. It's about you and women in general. With all the fucking around you've done, you've never once made me think you liked men."

"No offense here, Chief, but I could say the same about you."

"And you'd be right. That's why this scares me so much. Neither one of us has a clue what to do in a situation like this."

Leaning forward, his eyes on Blair, Jim kept his voice level. "Man or woman, it shouldn't matter if you care about the person. I don't know if this can work, but I want to at least give it a shot. I think if you're honest with yourself, you want the same thing."

Slumping down beside Jim, Blair avoided his eyes, but didn't resist the gentle tug at his arm to pull him in for a hug. He leaned against Jim's larger body, snuggled there, the heat warming the older man's skin. "How did you know?"

"Just a hunch. Cop instinct, I guess." Combing his fingers through the tight curls, Jim kissed the top of his head. "I know you've been upset about all the shit I've pulled with women. Hell, I'm not that happy, either. Sometimes I think, what the hell am I thinking?"

"And your answer?"

"Don't have a clue."

Blair chuckled, his light laughter muffled against Jim's chest. "What about now? Do you know what you're doing?"

"Honestly? No. I just know it feels right."

Pulling away and sitting up, Blair met his eyes as he palmed the side of his face. "I want this to work, Jim. More than anything in my life, I need this to work. I need you."

Capturing the hand, Jim smiled, the intensity of Blair's stare hypnotic. "You've got me."

"I want to believe that. It's just..."

"Just what?"

"Your history with women, man, it sucks."

Jim pulled Blair closer, forehead to forehead as he spoke in a hush. "I know, Chief. I'm hoping you can help me break the pattern."

"Well, me being a man's a good start."

Blair caught him off guard before he could answer, full lips over his, hot and silky, the tongue a wild surprise against his own. He moaned as Blair pulled away, his guide's nimble fingers still tracing the edges of his mouth. "Oh, fuck, Chief."

"I don't think I'm ready for that yet."

"Jesus." His cock strained and pleaded as he waged a war to control his own body, any doubts about Blair and gay sex whipped and broken in his head.

"Listen, we need to slow down. This is all going too fast."

Gulping back his own desire, Jim nodded. Hand shaking, he pushed back Blair's hair, his voice thick and husky with desire. "As slow as you want, Chief. Just don't leave me."

"Never going to happen." Blair closed his eyes and relaxed into Jim's hold, his face resting over his heart. "You know it won't be easy."

"I know that. But we can do this."

"God, I hope so."

After a few moments of silence, Jim rubbed his chin against the top of Blair's head. "You know what's so strange about all this?"

"Oh, man, do you want a list?"

Smiling to himself, Jim gave the man in his arms a little squeeze. "I was just thinking how normal it felt to be sitting here holding you. I mean, after all this time, we've finally done what we should've done ages ago."

"But you weren't ready."

Sighing, Jim grudgingly admitted, "You're right. I wasn't even ready to admit to myself that what I was feeling might be more than just friendship or gratitude."

Turning in his arms, looking up and meeting his eyes, Blair studied him for several seconds. "So what changed your mind? Why are you ready now when you weren't before?"

"I don't know. I really don't. Maybe it was seeing you fighting so damn hard to pretend you didn't want the same thing. I kept thinking why the fuck can't he just say it? Then when I tried to get closer, you started pushing me away. I guess it made me realize that if I didn't say something soon, I might lose you."

Blair shuddered and closed his eyes. "You saved me, Jim. No way could I give up after that."

"You still think it's some kind of mystical deal, right?"

"I don't know, but I know what I feel."

"And what's that?"

"I love you."

Smiling, Jim nodded. "I can live with that."