Author's webpage: http://http://www.aithine.org/feral/index.html

Author's notes in part one.

At The End of the Day -- Part Two

Then he licked my ear.

Jesus Christ.

I pulled back, closing my eyes to try and hold on to my quickly slipping control. My hands were clutching convulsively at his waist, gently rocking us both.

"Blair, I - I - "

"It's ok, Jim," he whispered, "I'll show you. Piece of cake, I swear."

I let out a little chuckle. "Hell, always thinking with your stomach." I opened my eyes to see him smiling softly, the amusement and love shining back at me making my heart do weird somersault things. And here I always thought that stuff was just a bunch of romantic crap.

An earnest look replaced the playful gleam in his eye. "We don't have to do that. I'm serious, I don't want to -"

I laid my palm across his mouth. "Blair, we just figured out how we feel about each other, ok? Let's get used to that first."

He grasped my wrist and pulled my hand away, his forehead creasing as he nodded solemnly.

"Oh yeah, you're right." His hands came back around my neck and he pulled my head down.

"Ok," he said against my ear. "Are you used it yet, because I'm kinda ready to move on here. Kiss me."

So I did. As efficiently and thoroughly as I could, until the phone rang.

By this time, I had Blair turned around and half sitting on the edge of the couch. One of his legs was wrapped around my thigh and I was just about to mount a serious attack on his sweater, trying to figure out a way to get it off him without actually having to stop kissing him. When I heard the phone I tried to break away but Blair had me pinned and wasn't about to let go.

"Let it ring," he murmured against my neck, giving me a little nip for emphasis.

I was in no mood to argue. When the machine picked up, the unmistakable deep nasal tones of Simon Banks came on right after our taped message.

"Sandburg! If you're there, pick up! Ellison? Damn it, this is important! I need -"

Suddenly I was holding air as Blair flipped over the back of the couch. Landing on all fours, he snagged the phone on his second bounce.

"Yeah, Simon, I'm here!" he said breathlessly. I leaned my fists on the couch and unashamedly listened in while concentrating on relaxing parts of me that really didn't want to be relaxed just yet.

"Sandburg, I want you down here as soon as you can get here. Jim, too, if he's around."

"Yeah, I think he's around here somewhere," Blair replied with a grin up at me. I snorted and straightened up, crossing my arms over my chest. "What's up?"

Simon chuckled. "Well, I don't want to spoil the surprise. Round up your partner and haul your ass down to the station."

Before Blair could answer, Simon hung up. Blair set the phone aside and moved around the couch. It was the first time that we'd been separated and I was afraid that the huge rush of emotion that had kept us locked together had receded.

On a hunch, I opened my arms - and he walked right into them.

Ok, maybe not.

We stood holding each other for a few minutes, just getting used to the fit of our bodies. Blair felt better than I'd imagined, warm and sturdy. I hesitated to kiss him again for fear of not being able to stop in a reasonable amount of time. He must have felt the same way because his face was turned away from mine where it rested on my shoulder, giving my cheek a soft resting place on the crown of his head.

"C'mon," he said, stepping out of my grasp but taking my hand and squeezing it. "Simon sounded happy, so I think we're in deep shit."

I squeezed his hand in return, releasing it reluctantly.

"Speak for yourself, Chief," I answered as we headed towards the door.

"Great," he muttered, pulling on his jacket, "now that I'm on my way out the door I get to catch all Simon's flak."

"And your problem here is..." I said, locking the door behind us.

A derisive grunt was all I got in reply.

When we arrived at the station, the place was pretty much empty. Simon was on the phone as we came in, finishing up quickly and then watching with ill-concealed impatience as we got settled.

"Ok, Captain, what's up," I asked. To my surprise, his face broke into a grin.

"Two words, gentlemen, two words. Early retirement."

His gaze swung between us, smile widening at our bewilderment. I shot a look at Sandburg who looked as confused as I felt.

"Uh, sorry, no thanks," I said, then a thought struck me. "Unless you mean - you?"

Simon lost his smile and frowned, obviously annoyed at our lack of comprehension.

"No, detective, I do not mean me, you, or Sandburg, for that matter. I'm talking about Dan Sasaki and Beverly Hall." He paused, waiting for us to make the connection. I glanced at Sandburg again, noting two things: one, he wasn't tracking with Simon either, and two, his lips were still a little red.

"Bev Hall?" he asked. "Our Bev Hall from the second shift?"

"Yeah," I added slowly," And Sasaki's an Lt. in the K-9 unit, I think."

Simon nodded like a benevolent father. "Exactly. Seems they both came to the same conclusion after the benefits packages came out in January. Just took them a while to decide. Word came down about two hours ago that the budget hadn't allowed for their attrition, so the upshot is we have one detective's salary back in the budget. The other money is going towards a new van for the gang unit."

Simon stopped and watched us, his amused gaze swinging between us. Beside me, I could feel the energy beginning to thrum through Blair as the implications set in. My own heart was beginning to beat double time as I watched Simon, waiting for the punch line. When it didn't seem forthcoming, I spoke up.

"All right, Captain, be straight with us. Are you saying Sandburg can keep his job?"

Simon's grin faded as he answered me, all the while keeping his eyes on Blair. "Yes, gentlemen, that is exactly what I'm saying. Sandburg, your involuntary employment separation is hereby revoked."

I blew out a huge sigh of relief and turned to Sandburg, ready to see my satisfaction mirrored in his eyes. To my surprise, and no doubt Simon's, Blair looked shell-shocked and not in a good way.

"Chief? Hey, come on, this is great news, right?"

He blinked and looked at me, a question clearly posed in his troubled expression and I felt that same twist of fear that I'd felt the night that Butler had called.

"Sandburg?" Simon had figured out his news wasn't being received all that well, and it made the single word sound harsh. Blair heard the edge in Simon's voice and shook himself.

"Yeah, um, sorry, Simon, that's great, but I've -" he shot a look at me "-I've had another offer."

Shit. I swiveled to look at Simon, wondering how he was going to take this news. Part of me was screaming inside, wondering what the hell Sandburg was thinking by not latching on to this huge opportunity. But I held my peace, for once not jumping to conclusions and letting my fears get the best of me.

"What offer? The one from Bellevue?" Simon was asking.

Sandburg shook his head. His fingers started twisting the bottom of his sweater so I reached out and laid a hand on his wrist. He looked at me and I tried communicate all my faith in him with my eyes, to let him know he wasn't in this alone.

And he saw it. He nodded slightly and took a breath before lacing his fingers across his abdomen as he leaned forward, shaking his head.

"No, not that one. It's something else, working for a watchdog group that reports ecological abuses around the world. It's good work, Simon, important work."

At that, Simon's frown deepened. "And you don't think we do good work here?"

"Whoa, Simon, that's not fair! Of course we do! It's just that this job may give me a chance to make a difference and use my education at the same time!"

"Well, I'm so glad you've been slumming with us for the past year, Sandburg." Simon's tone was cutting but beneath the sarcasm I could hear the disappointment. "Bet you think this whole layoff thing has been a blessing in disguise."

Sandburg looked like he'd been slapped. "No! Of course not! Simon - Jim, c'mon, help me out here!"

"Look, Simon, hold on. Half an hour ago we didn't know this was happening and Sandburg was trying to get on with his life here. You can't blame us for being a little thrown by this."

Simon sighed and pulled off his glasses. I felt sorry for the guy. Here he had this great news, something he thought would solve all our problems, and we're blowing his whole scenario.

"Yeah, you're right. Sorry, Sandburg." I relaxed a little at his sincere tone, glad he'd backed off so quickly.

"Hey, no problem. I understand, and I'm sorry. I just - I just need a little time to figure out what to do. "

Simon replaced his glasses and leaned forward. "How much time?"

"Twenty-four hours -"

"Forty-eight hours -"

Sandburg and I spoke simultaneously, but I was the one who came in with the higher bid. Simon looked at us both, a reluctant, knowing smile growing as he contemplated his reply.

"All right. You've got thirty-six. I think I can hold off the brass until Wednesday morning, but let's just keep this between us. Any other captain finds out we may not be using those funds and they'll start circling like buzzards." Simon stood and I noticed the lines of strain around his eyes. As eager as I was to getting Blair back to the loft and picking up where we left off, I also saw a friend who needed some help.

"Simon -"

"Simon, you hungry?" It was Sandburg, beating me to the punch as usual.

Simon paused and I think he was surprised at the question. He glanced at his watch. "Yeah, maybe. Thought I'd stop somewhere and grab a bite on the way home."

I got up, and Sandburg and I exchanged a look when Simon turned his back to grab his coat. Blair opened his eyes wide and jerked his head towards Simon and I nodded in agreement.

"Hey, forget that," I said as Simon turned back. "What do you say we head over to Pepper's? This time of night there won't be much of a wait."

Simon came around his desk, adjusting his collar. He stopped, glancing between me and Sandburg. After a moments hesitation, his stiff posture relaxed. "Sounds good. I'm definitely in a mood to sear my taste buds with some of their chili."

He cleared his throat, shoving his hands deep in his coat pockets. "Uh, Jim, would you excuse us for a second? I have something I want to say to your partner here."

I shrugged and glanced back at Sandburg, who was looking a little apprehensive. "Sure. I'll go down and pull the truck around front."

"Thanks."

I left them alone, pausing to take a quick look back when I turned towards the elevator. They were face to face, Simon talking and Blair watching him intently and nodding. I refrained from listening, figuring I'd hear about it from Sandburg later.

The time alone was good for me; I'd been tossed between one emotion and another for the past couple of hours and I needed a moment or two to collect my thoughts. My feet may have gotten me on the elevator and into the garage, but my mind was miles way. Home, actually, and the memory of the revelations made there just a short while ago.

I climbed into the truck but hesitated before starting it, instead rolling down the window and propping my elbow on the door frame. Staring at the concrete wall, I thought back on what it felt like to hold Blair in my arms for the first time, the feeling of fucking wonder I got when the anger and fear faded and I realized we'd finally figured it all out.

Jesus, his scent was trapped in the fibers of my clothes. I shut my eyes and ran a hand down my chest, imagining Blair's fingers on my skin, his mouth on my -

Whoa, time to get out of there before they started wondering if I'd gotten lost. In a way, I guess I had. Or, more accurately, I'd lost my heart - four years ago.

Who says I'm slow on the uptake?

"You didn't eat much," Jim said as he pulled out of the restaurant parking lot.

I shrugged, my eyes firmly fixed on the passing landscape outside the passenger side window.

"Wasn't as hungry as I thought," I replied, hoping he'd drop it.

He did - for all of sixty seconds.

"You usually drown everything in pico de gallo, too. Tonight you didn't touch the stuff. You feeling ok?"

I sighed. "I feel fine, Jim." I flashed him a sideways smile, then resumed my count of the passing telephone poles.

I enjoyed the ensuing twenty seconds of silence before Jim spoke again. Man, and they call me relentless!

"Simon say something to upset you? You seemed fine with him at dinner."

I grabbed on to that. "Nah," I said, making a concentrated effort to still my right foot that just couldn't seem to stop bouncing against the dash. "We're good. In fact, we're great. He told me he was hoping I'd choose to come back to the force, but as my friend he'd support me either way."

Jim cleared his throat. "He's a good man."

"Yeah."

Whew, embarrassing conversation averted.

"So what's wrong?"

Damn.

"Nothing, Jim - hey, you missed the turn."

Great. Now I get silence.

"Uh, Jim? Where we going?"

"Portland."

"Portland? As in Oregon? Jim, that's a six hour drive!"

"No, Portland as in Portland, Maine, if that's what it takes to get you to tell me what's bothering you."

I turned in my seat to stare at him. "You're crazy. Certifiable. Looney tunes. Section eight. A bubble off - "

He reached into his breast pocket and pulled out his cell, then held it out to me. "You wanna call Simon or shall I? Better do it soon because we'll be out of range when we go through the pass."

He looked so calm, so matter of fact about the whole thing, I couldn't help it - I cracked up.

"Ok, ok," I relented, still chuckling and actually kind of pleased that Jim was the one doing the nagging this time.

Without a blink, Jim turned right at the next corner and proceeded to drive down a quiet residential street. He pulled over when he saw an open spot, neatly parking the Ford beneath a large shade tree in the lot of a tiny urban park. It was going on eleven, so lights from the nearby houses were few and far between. We were effectively in the dark.

Jim killed the engine and we both undid our seat belts, automatically angling towards each other so that our legs touched.

"So?" Jim asked with his usual flair with words.

I rubbed at my chin, trying to figure out a way to phrase this subtly. Before I could come up with something, Jim nudged me with his knee.

"Straight out, Sandburg, or you're buying the first lobster." He started to reach for the ignition.

"All right, all right! Jeez!" How do I say something like this without sounding totally lame? I dragged my hand through my hair and sighed. "I want us to, you know, um, be together tonight."

Instead of being thrown off by my honesty, Jim settled further back against the door of the truck. I thought I saw him nod, but I really I wished I could see his face.

"I'll admit I had the same idea, so it sounds like we're good to go."

I gnawed at my lip in frustration. "Well, I'd rather not do it tasting like the number nine combo plate with extra guac on the side, ok?" I blurted, then clamped my hand over my mouth.

Ok, not smooth. Jim was going to laugh, I just knew it. I braced myself for his reaction, squinting in the darkness.

But instead of laughter, I got a rational reply. "Fair enough. We'll brush first. That it?"

"Jim!" I was indignant and not real sure why. "Swear to God, I thought you'd be, I dunno, freaking over this whole you me thing!" I gestured between us, only to have my hand caught in his.

"Hey. Scoot over."

"Hunh?"

He sighed. "Fine." He nudged at my leg with his knee until I lifted it up, then slid his thigh underneath it. Letting go of my hand, he grabbed and pulled until he could slide one arm around my shoulder.

"Jim?" I whispered. "What are you doing?"

"Freaking," he murmured. "How'm I doing so far?"

"Good. Major style points from the Russian judge." I stared out the window into the cool darkness of the park, then sighed a little before turning my attention back to Jim. "Um, ok, as long as you're at it, you wanna spill your guts now?"

His arm around me tightened as his other hand came to rest on my thigh. "Ah," he said. "That's what really has you spooked, isn't it?"

I relaxed against him, shifting so I was a little more comfortable. "Well, kinda. I mean, I'm not complaining or anything. I just - I need to know." I hoped he understood. I wasn't questioning how he felt, just how he got there. It was important.

I felt his lips brush my ear. "All right. Might as well get this over with. Look, I can't tell you when, ok? There wasn't like, a big boom, or sky writing, or anything."

"No?" I chuckled. "Damn."

"Yeah." I heard an answering smile in his voice. "Woulda been a hell of a lot easier if there'd been a billboard. Anyway, I guess it - how I felt about you - it was always there, once I got over the weird effect you had on my apartment. Still can't believe I painted it green - ow! Hey, retract the elbow."

"Jim." This from a man who once drove a teal truck.

He sighed. "Look, you know this isn't easy for me. Point is, it didn't take long for me to realize that a life without you would be pretty damn miserable. That's about the time I think I started to hate your thesis. Then - everything starting falling apart. One screw up after another."

"I know, it's ok," I broke in, trying to ease his obvious discomfort in remembering. "I was there, remember?"

Beneath my shoulder, the support that was Jim's chest expanded as he pulled in a calming breath.

His voice dropped low, the soft words coming out with a hint of bitterness.

"Then the biggest fucking screw up of all - God, Blair, after that happened -"

"Hey, it's ok." I repeated, rubbing his leg soothingly. "We don't have to rehash our entire history here - "

"Let me finish. I wanted to say that I - I can't believe you came back."

"Um, I'm not sure this is the right time to talk about the fountain."

He shifted in surprise. "The what? No, I'm talking about Mexico. What happened...on the beach."

"Oh." I swallowed. Really could have gone all night without bringing that up.

"Yeah, 'oh'." His right arm slipped off my shoulder and wound it's way around my rib cage, crossing over my chest as he pulled me tight.

His next words came out in a ragged whisper, warm and moist against the side of my face. "Would it help if I told you that after we got back, when you were off somewhere one night, I puked my guts out for two hours over what happened that day?"

I blinked against old, useless tears. "Yeah, a little."

"I'll never figure it, not in a million years. What her - what she -"

"It's all right," I said quietly, picking up the hand resting on my leg and entwining our fingers. "You can say her name."

He leaned his forehead against my temple. "Yeah. Not right now, though, ok?" he whispered.

"Ok."

I waited, rubbing my thumb across the back of his hand. After a minute or two, he lifted his head and cleared his throat.

"Things changed after that. For me. Being a part of my life nearly killed you and knowing that - well, it damn near killed me. That's why I acted like an asshole half the time."

I swallowed, remembering some of those times. I'd been miserable - and although I'd never told him - packed, the hundred dollar bill I used to carry around to impress women tucked safely in the toe of an old hiking boot.

"But we were doing ok, or so I thought. Hell, I let Vince stay with us. That was strictly for you, you know that, right?"

I smiled in the dark. "Wasn't for his cooking, that's for sure."

A couple walking a dog strolled down the opposite sidewalk. After they'd passed, Jim sighed and continued.

"Yeah. So then the whole disaster with your book happens, and then the press conference, and I start to think maybe it was time to cut you loose. Not because I didn't love you - I'd finally figured that out, though not exactly how, if you get my drift - but because every thing we had together seemed to end in disaster. We'd scraped by one more time and I figured we'd run out of chances.

"Then you accepted the badge. Jesus, Blair, I'd never been so proud and so scared in my life. And it seemed to work. You, me, official partners - it was perfect. I thought we'd finally caught a break - except that I started wanting more. You probably hadn't noticed that I'd pretty much given up on dating."

I elbowed him again. "'Course I noticed, you big goober. I'm a detective, remember?"

"You're a smart ass is what you are. Pipe down, I'm in the home stretch. So here I am, fairly happy you're still around but fighting a serious jones for you - and you get laid off. Right after that comes David fucking Butler and his job offer from the gods and now I'm really screwed. Here I'd been thinking this was something I could help you with, something I could do to make up for all the times I hadn't been there for you."

He paused, but it wasn't an uncomfortable one, so I stayed quiet.

"God, I hate this part."

I twisted in his arms a little, finally close enough to see his face. "Like the rest was so great? Why do you hate this part?"

He reached up and brushed his fingertips over my hair, pushing a little behind my ear with his thumb.

"Because I think I owe that damn Australian a drink."

"Who - Megan?" Boy, was this conversation taking a strange turn.

"Yeah. She's the one who finally told me that I'd better wise up. You know, come to think of it, I think you're the one who owes her a drink."

"Jim," I said patiently, "what did she say?"

He hesitated and I lined up my elbow one more time. He took the hint. "She told me you were in love with me, ok?"

"She told you?"

"Yeah."

I started laughing. "My God, Jim, that's gotta be humiliating for you! Of all people, she's like -"

"Sandburg," he said, a warning in his voice that I chose to ignore.

"- and she had to point it out? Man, that's -"

You know, if Jim wants to shut me up by kissing me, I'm not going to argue.

"Jim," I managed between kisses. "Jim, we're making out in your truck."

"Oh, yeah," he muttered, smiling against the side of my neck.

"We need to - oh, yeah, mmm - ok, we need to stop."

Jim stilled, then leaned back. Before he could get all moody on me, I pressed my mouth against his.

"I'd much rather be making out at home. Wouldn't you?"

So home we went, not breaking any speed limits but that was mostly because we were holding hands most of the time. I preceded him into the loft and waited until he'd locked the door behind us before pinning him in the chest with my forefinger.

"Ok, this is how it's gonna be. This is a no weirdness zone tonight. You get the bathroom first while I clean up the veggies we never ate. Then I'm gonna get ready for bed and join you upstairs. Got it?"

I was totally flying by the seat of my pants. I just didn't want this new, possibly fragile thing between us to get smothered by awkwardness now that we were home again.

Jim crossed his arms and looked down at my finger still pressing against his chest. Then he looked at me with his mouth lifted up on one side in a little smile, his head tilted to the side.

"Right. No weirdness. Don't forget to scrub down the cutting board." He moved around me and headed for the bathroom, leaving me with my finger pointed at the poster. I was about to mumble a remark about partners having sticks in uncomfortable places when I felt the hair near my ear brushed away. I froze as soft air flowed over my nape, followed by a light brushing of Jim's lips against my neck.

Then he was gone, the bathroom door closing before I'd even turned to move into the kitchen.

By the time I made it out of the bathroom Blair had disappeared behind his bedroom doors. I took the stairs two at a time and yanked off the bedspread, folding it neatly and placing it on the floor next to the dresser. Then I pulled back the sheets, plumped one pillow up against the railing and sat down. Leaning back, I stretched out my legs and folded my hands over my abdomen. I felt no fear, no apprehension - hell, my hands weren't even clammy.

Below me, I heard Blair leave his room and head into the bathroom, closing the door behind him. I shifted a little, wondering at how calm I felt. I should have been nervous, since I'd never had sex with a man.

Maybe that was it. I wasn't having sex with a man, I was making love with Blair.

I was so busy imagining what that would entail - and get damned excited about it - that when a light went off below me, I jumped. I listened as Blair moved around the main room checking the locks and switching off lamps. When his bare feet hit the first riser, it occurred to me that although I may not be nervous, maybe he was. Reaching over, I turned the bedside lamp down to its lowest setting and stood up. By the time he reached the top of the staircase I was there waiting for him.

Dressed in tee shirt and boxers like me, he looked good. Hell, a lot better than good because he wasn't scared at all. He flashed me a brilliant smile as he pulled even with me and any doubts lurking in my subconscious died a lonely death.

I placed my hands on his shoulders and held him still, hoping he understood that I wanted to take the time to explore his face with just my eyes. He watched me as I studied his lips, so beautifully shaped and parted now in a soft smile that hinted at the white teeth behind them. From there, I moved my gaze to his nose - yeah, not romantic, but he has a great nose. A little on the pug side, but not cute. Strong. I dropped a kiss on it then moved on with my inventory.

Skin. Blair has beautiful skin. He'd shaved while downstairs and now his cheeks were smooth and cool, just barely damp. He smelled great, just a hint of the stuff he used tingeing his natural scent. And beneath all that was the one I'd never had from him, the one that was beginning to rise off his slowly warming skin - the scent of arousal.

Finally, I let myself look at his eyes. Framed by strong, expressive brows, they looked back at me with a hint of amusement and a little self-consciousness. What a color - blue, but so different than mine. Smoky, mysterious - damn, I'm just not good with descriptions. All I knew is that what I saw in them tonight would sustain me for the rest of my life.

I was so wrapped up in my visual feast that when those gorgeous eyes closed it was a little bit of shock. So was the realization that beneath my hands, he was shaking.

"Hey," I whispered. The dark lashes swept up and those blue eyes nailed me.

"Jim, c'mon," he whispered back. "Enough with the recon. Will you just touch me or something?"

I smiled and moved my hands from his shoulders to his hips, pulling him close. His arms came around my waist and he spread his feet a little, evenly distributing his weight.

"Or something," I muttered, then lowered my head slowly, keeping my eyes open. His lips parted as his eyes closed and I hesitated for a second, just long enough to again breathe in the scent of his skin, before touching his mouth with my own.

The first time I'd kissed Blair, it had been out of anger and fear. Even after that, when it was all about love and forgiveness, I'd been so consumed by the perfection of it that later it was almost a blur in my head, a fantasy come true.

This time, right now, it was about love and discovery, action and reaction, give and take. I nibbled gently at his bottom lip with my teeth, sucking and pulling at the tender flesh. Then I moved to one corner of his mouth and tasted the soft skin there before nuzzling his upper lip. Blair remained still, as pliant as he had been when I was just looking at him, letting me learn him inch by inch.

Finally, I let myself enter his mouth, stroking my tongue in as his head tilted, his body pressing against me with a little more urgency now. His tongue met mine, dancing forward and back, teasing a growl out of my throat. Grabbing two fistfuls of his tee shirt, I yanked it off, balling it behind his back and tossing it down the stairs. Before I could connect with him again, my own tee was being tugged up, so I helped out and soon it too was lying at the foot of the stairs.

Now Blair stood before me, breathing a little quickly. I was looking forward to finally burying my fingers in the soft hair that dusted his chest but before I got the chance, Blair's hands were flowing up and over my arms, brushing back down over my pecs with a look of complete absorption on his face.

"My God, I can't believe I'm finally doing this," he murmured, his eyes watching his fingertips stroke down my shoulders and over my nipples, stopping just above the waist of my shorts. I shuddered and grasped his wrists when he started to burrow beneath the elastic. He looked up at me, the puzzlement in his expression giving way to an infinitely more gentle look.

"Oh, yeah, Jim Ellison," he breathed, his eyes wide as he stared into mine, "you're gonna love me forever, aren't you."

I brought his still captive hands up to my mouth and kissed his knuckles before answering.

"Well," I paused, wanting to get the words right but just saying what was in my heart, "I think that's pretty much a given, don't you?" With that, I kissed him to seal the deal, then urged him onto the bed where he stretched out, rubbing his back against the sheet. I took the opportunity of his wriggling to divest him of the boxers, deliberately averting my eyes from him while I took off my own and tossed both pair down the stairs. Then I crawled up the bed next to him, lightly trailing my fingertips up his inner thigh as I went.

Sliding an arm underneath his shoulders, I pulled him close, quickly realizing that imagination had nothing on an armful of warm, supple Blair Sandburg. His arms came around me and we began kissing again, my attention torn between the devastating skill of his tongue and the almost painfully arousing sensation of his chest hair rubbing against me.

But even those thoughts were driven from my head when his cock brushed against mine, both of us moaning at the contact. Blair pulled back and then slid one leg over mine, shifting until he was laying on top of me, my hips cradled between his knees.

Placing his hands on either side of my head, he leaned down and kissed me, in total control of his mouth and body. I buried my hands in his hair, the heat from his mouth so intense it took me a second to realize that Blair had started rocking against me, letting our erections get acquainted.

God, I'd never felt anything like it. I didn't know where to put my hands - I wanted to feel every part of him at once. I settled for running them up and down his back, memorizing the play of muscles beneath his skin. Then I got bolder, at first just tracing my fingertips over the impossibly soft skin of his ass, then settling my palms there and kneading.

After a minute or so, Blair rocked back on his haunches, eyes shut tight as he bit at his reddened lower lip. Slowing our rhythm a little, I watched as he caught his breath, my hands caressing his hips and the tops of his lightly furred thighs. He looked down at me and smiled.

"You doin' ok, first timer?" he teased in a husky voice, his hands trailing down to stroke my nipples again.

I groaned and closed my eyes. "God, at least you didn't say old timer. Yeah, fine, I'm fine."

"Good," he murmured, "'cause it's time to up the stakes." Bending down, he began an oral assault on my chest, driving me insane with licks and nips until I was writhing beneath him.

"Yeah, figured you'd like that," he murmured against my collar bone. He started kissing along my shoulder, working his way down my arm, his hair brushing against my chest. When he sucked my thumb into my mouth, I nearly shot through the roof.

"Blair," I groaned, "I don't know how much longer I'm gonna last here. If you want me to -"

He stopped me with a kiss before nuzzling the skin just beneath my jaw. "Relax, Jim. I wasn't prepared for this turn of events so some things will have to wait. We've got plenty of time so for now just do what feels good, ok?"

"If you say so," I whispered, then grabbed him by the upper arms and turned him gently onto his back beside me. Leaning over him, I finally started exploring him without interruption, urged on by his soft moans of appreciation. Answering the siren call of his nipples, I licked them, tentatively at first, then with more assurance when Blair's fingers dug into my shoulders. So involved was I in tasting every part of his upper body, it was natural to find my hands exploring slowly down his abdomen until one slipped around the blunt tip of his erection.

I almost jerked back in surprise, but Blair's hand closed around mine, silently begging me to touch and explore. I left off the passion mark I was building on his shoulder to watch him as he guided my strokes. I never broke eye contact as I discovered this part of him, letting my instinct drive him higher as I grew more confident in my touch. So many sensations, literally in the palm of my hand, heat and moisture combining to make my touch smooth and sure.

Picking up speed, I decided this was the way I wanted this to go the first time. Blair, a slave to the sensitivity of my fingers, blue eyes wide and locked on mine as he realized I was going to take him over the edge this way. His hands clenched into fists by his head and he was letting out sexy little gasps of pleasure that were driving me crazy.

"C'mon, baby, c'mon, let go for me, c'mon," I urged, and just as I felt the pressure rise in my hand I captured his mouth with mine, swallowing his cry of completion as he drenched my hand with hot, satiny liquid. I kept stroking and kissing him, gentling him down from his climax until he shuddered and opened his eyes. I leaned back and pulled sweaty strands of hair out of his eyes with my free hand.

"Jim," he sighed, smiling at me with sleepy affection. "You are too much. Here I thought I was gonna have to show you the ropes."

"Hey, I can figure stuff out on my own occasionally, you know. Right now, though, I need a little help here." I nudged his hip provocatively, even that small friction wringing a little moan out of me.

"Oh, man, my pleasure." A firm hand on my shoulder pushed me back until Blair was leaning over my like I had over him. He was so goddamn beautiful, his face flushed, sweat-darkened hair pushed impatiently off his temples. I reached up and cupped his cheek in absolute agreement to whatever he had in mind. No big surprise, he chose to talk.

"You're amazing, you know that?" he whispered, his fingers trailing lightly over my abdomen, causing my stomach muscles to twitch. "Strong - Jesus, I love that about you. So restrained, so in control. Do you know what it's like to touch you, to have my hands on you? Bet you don't - someday, I'll tell you, ok?"

His fingers moved lower, teasing the base of my aching cock and caressing my balls and the highly sensitized skin beneath. His words flowed into me, taking me closer to completion just with the passion-roughened timbre of his voice.

"But even better is you holding me, feeling me, learning me with your touch, with your eyes. You think I couldn't tell that's what you were doing? I knew, Jim. God, I so totally knew."

His hand traveled up my length, delicately fingering the wet slit at the head. I started shaking then, caught up in the sensual web he was weaving with his hand and words, breathing in the seductive aroma of our lovemaking.

"I'll do you like you did me," he continued softly, dropping his voice an octave lower. I really hoped he didn't want a reply, because he started fisting me then. Like before, our gazes were locked, except when I knuckled the sweat out of my eyes. I was close, really close, sprinting for the finish when he leaned to whisper in my ear. "It'll be our little tradition, remembering how we learned each other first just by the touch of our hands. Remembering that the first time we made love, it was all fingers and eyes and tongue -"

He tightened his hand, pulling firmly, and I blew apart, the coming so strong that my back arched off the bed. Blair rode it out like I had, his hand milking every last reaction out of me until I collapsed back and reached for him blindly, pulling him in to share a kiss that was just a little desperate. I think he got the message because when we separated, I saw that his mouth was trembling slightly just before he buried his face in my shoulder.

We lay like that for a while, then I urged him to sit up with me. I stripped the pillow cases off and handed one to him, removing the little smirk off his face when I grabbed his hand and cleaned it before wiping off his abdomen and groin. Solemnly, he returned the favor, finishing with a light kiss on my shoulder. Then he gathered the two cases and tossed them over the railing to join the other laundry piling up down there.

I wrapped my arm around his neck and he settled next me, curling around me and filling the hollows of my body. I wasn't sleepy and I didn't want to be - I needed to savor everything about this night, including the post-orgasmic lethargy that was weighing heavy in my muscles. Even that felt better than ever, as if every nerve in my body recognized the perfection of what had just happened.

Blair remained awake as well, his breathing even but not in the slow pattern of sleep. I was staring at the ceiling, rubbing his shoulder, when he spoke up quietly.

"Wanna hear something funny?"

I pressed a lazy, open-mouthed kiss to his forehead. "Sure."

He shifted, his arm laying warm and comforting across my chest. "Listening to you tonight, talking about all the crap we went through to get here, it made me realize something."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. No matter how bad things got, deep inside, we never gave up on us. I mean, I can still see the look on your face when I got gassed at Lindsay's. You were scared, man, and I remember thinking, when I could think, you know, he must still care a little to be that worried."

I grunted, my hand roaming up to massage his scalp. "Hell yeah, I was worried. You know what too much of that stuff could have -"

I was silenced by a mouthful of air blown against my shoulder. "Yo, that wasn't my point. What I meant was -"

I gave the curly head beneath my hand a little shake. "I know what you meant."

We lay quietly for a minute or two, then Blair lifted up to lean on one elbow and look down at me. Wordlessly, he bent over and kissed me, his hand stroking lightly over my throat and into my hair. Pulling back, he sighed before speaking quietly, his fingers still roaming over my face.

"I don't see things getting any easier for us, whether I stay on the force or not."

"I know." I captured his hand and kissed his palm. "Doesn't matter, though. We'll make it now. Besides, after all the crap we've had in the past, I think somebody owes us a break."

"Yeah." He smiled at me, a little wistfully.

"Hey," I whispered.

"Yeah?"

"I will love you forever, you know that?"

He breathed in sharply and blinked before turning his head away. I waited while he reached down and grabbed the sheet and blanket, pulling it up around us before reaching over and turning off the light. He snuggled back in my arms, getting his head situated back on my chest before answering me.

"Of course I know," he murmured, a slight catch in his voice. "I'm a detective, remember?"

A gentle fingertip traced a path down from my neck and across my shoulder blade, bringing me to consciousness with tender determination. As Jim's finger slowly doodled across my skin, I smiled and flexed, getting up on my elbows as I turned and opened my eyes. Jim was propped on one hand, smiling slightly as he watched me.

"Mornin'," I whispered and then yawned loudly before letting my head crash face first onto the pillow.

I heard a chuckle as Jim laid his warm palm on the swell of my blanket-covered butt.

"Time to get up, Chief. Bad guys and all that stuff." He gave me a light whack to emphasize his point.

I groaned and rolled over onto my side, pillowing my head on my bent arm. I was about to ask what time it was but I got distracted by the beautiful expanse of chest so conveniently in front of me. I reached up and ran the back of my fingers over Jim's breast, closing my eyes to concentrate on his silky skin. I was going to start the journey all over again with my fingertips when my hand was brushed away and I was drawn into the circle of Jim's arms, his mouth descending on mine in a tender rush.

"Stop that," he murmured when we broke apart.

"What?" I whispered, trying to arch back to within striking distance. He grasped my shoulder and gently shoved me back, stopping me with a finger on the tip of my nose.

"That," he said with mock sternness before tossing the sheet and blanket away and climbing out of bed. "A guy can only take so much and you're temptation personified."

"Yeah? Really?" I asked eagerly as I sat up, watching with deep appreciation as Jim walked around naked, gathering up clean clothes.

He stopped and turned to face me, head cocked to the side. "Gimme a break. Look, it's still actually still pretty early if you want to grab some more z's - "

"Nah. I'm awake, might as well stay that way." I rolled off my side and stood up, raising my hands over my head in anticipation of a big stretch. A muffled "nice" from Jim had me pausing and the realization hit me that I was stitch-stark naked and fully illuminated. I turned away, searching for something to use to cover up, but was stopped with a hand on my shoulder.

"Didn't think you were the shy type, Chief, especially after last night," came Jim's soft voice. His hand stroked comfortingly down the inside of my arm before letting his fingers tangle with mine.

"Well," I stammered, turning towards him a little, "no one would say 'shy', exactly, right? Modest, maybe, but not shy." I looked up into his eyes, finding warmth and quite a bit of laughter there.

He nodded in agreement. "No, not shy. Just remember," he continued, letting my fingers go with a little squeeze before moving towards the stairs, "I think a naked Sandburg is a good thing."

He trotted downstairs, leaving me with a dopey smile and a body blush that reached my toenails.

It was over breakfast that Jim finally broke down and asked.

"So, you know what you're gonna do yet?" He took a bite of toast and watched me while he chewed. His tone was neutral, but with Jim's voice, neutral comes in a dozen different shades.

I shook my head and took a sip of coffee. "I honestly don't. I'm not used to this."

Jim frowned. "Not used to what?"

"Too many good choices, man. Last couple of years I feel like I've been kinda tossed around by circumstances, you know? Not really in control of my own destiny." I leaned my elbows on the table, resting my chin on my clasped hands. "What do you think?"

The question bothered him immediately. He pushed his plate away and crossed his arms over his chest protectively. I wasn't at all intimidated by his response; this was too important to let him slide on giving me input.

I waited and he finally cleared his throat. "This is your call, Sandburg -" he started, and I cut him off.

"Don't give me that crap, Jim. What affects me affects you, now more than ever, right? You gotta have an opinion on this and I'm asking for it. Don't back away now, ok?"

I pinned him with my gaze until he finally nodded. "Ok," he said, uncrossing his arms, "but don't get pissed if you don't like the answer. You asked."

"Fine, whatever, I'll deal. Give."

He took a deep breath and stood up, gathering his plate and mug and heading for the kitchen. I patiently did the same, letting him order his thoughts with routine. That done, I followed as he moved over towards the balcony doors, both of us ending up facing out into the morning rain.

"Look. Here's my problem. You being a cop, being my partner - I couldn't ask for a better situation. You're the only guy I've ever had total faith in to back me up - I trusted Jack but not half as much as I trust you. You know all my moves and usually one step before I make them - which is annoying as hell, by the way. You've got great instincts, compassion that a cop needs but seldom uses, and a real feel for what motivates people to do stupid ass things. What you and I have on the job - I'll never have that with anyone else. You know it, I know it, Simon knows it. I'm a better cop because of you.

"That's the plus side. But there's a down side, and it's huge, and it's the part you're not gonna like."

He stopped and turned to me. My eyes were wide with shock and pleasure; the last time Jim had spoken so openly about our partnership, he hadn't been half as eloquent but I'd been thrilled nonetheless. This little speech was a balm to a wound that had never fully healed, an insecurity that said all I could ever do was pretend to be a cop, anyway.

"Before you became a detective, I had one choice I could always make. I could always chose to get you out of harm's way if things went south. Most of the time, I didn't and I've beaten myself up a lot over that, disgusted that I'm so damn weak I put my needs over your safety."

I had to interrupt. "Jim, that's bullshit! You never -"

He held up a hand and I shut up. "Yeah, I did. Many times so don't try to defend me."

"Well, I wasn't exactly gonna defend you -"

He scowled and went on. "Anyway, at least I knew I had some control. Now, we go out on a call and it's my job and yours to put it all on the line. Regardless of the oath we both took, sometimes I can't get past the fact that you're at risk."

"Wow," I said softly. I'd always thought Jim had this little protective thing where I was concerned but I'd never heard him come out and actually talk about it. I guess I never realized how it might bother him when things get hairy on the job and he can't treat me differently than any other cop.

"So," he said with a sigh, crossing his arms again, "getting you into a nice, quiet office somewhere solves that problem for me. If I can't have you with me, at least I know you're safe. I lose my partner but I gain peace of mind, as least as long as you're not traveling in some godforsaken Amazon backwater. That opens up a whole new can of worries that I'd rather not get into right now. You see, it's pretty much a no-win for me, Chief."

"Ok," I said slowly, pulling at my bottom lip as I tried to think it through.

"You're pissed, right?" he asked suspiciously.

I looked up at him and smiled. He relaxed and unfolded his arms, drawing me close.

"No, you jackass, I'm not pissed," I said, stroking my hand over his stomach. "I'm glad you told me. It doesn't actually help me, you realize, but thanks for being honest."

"Yeah, I didn't think it would, but you're welcome, anyway." He dropped a kiss between my eyes and we broke apart, headed for our gear and the door. Even though Jim's revelations hadn't helped me along in my decision making process, I still felt better inside, knowing where Jim stood on the whole thing. From this point on, it was all up to me.

At first, it looked as though work was going to be pretty quiet. Jim and I had several investigations that we were working, but nothing was moving and we had no new leads. About midmorning, just as we were getting ready to head out to re-interview some witnesses, Simon came out of his office and approached us.

"Whatever you two are doing, drop it. We've got two d.b.'s over at the Corinth School of the Arts. Preliminary I.D. on one of them is Faith Chapin."

Jim let out a low whistle of recognition.

"Who?" I asked.

"Faith Chapin. The Chapin sisters are major benefactors to about six different high profile charities. My dad sits on some of the same boards," Jim replied, grabbing his coat and handing mine off to me. "Faith is the oldest, I think. She and her sister inherited newspaper money from their mother." He turned to Simon. "Captain, do we know cause of death?"

Simon nodded. "Yeah. Large caliber handgun according to the first reports. Brown is already at the scene so get moving. A high profile case like this is going to hit the airwaves mighty damn fast."

I swallowed hard. "Oh, great. This is gonna be so ugly." I pulled on my jacket and followed Jim down the hallway. One thing about going with Van Zant - no more dead bodies. Definitely a point in their favor.

And it was ugly. Two victims, a middle aged woman and a younger man, shot in one of the school's dance rehearsal halls. Blood was everywhere, multiplied by the room's floor to ceiling mirrors on one side and brought into sharp relief by the huge windows on the other. The rain had long since moved on and the sun bathed the two bodies in a wash of bright light. The sunlight also served to warm the room uncomfortably, intensifying the typically nasty smells of a violent murder scene.

As soon as we ducked under the yellow tape and stepped into the hall, Jim was in trouble. Not major trouble, but I could tell he was struggling by the little steps he kept taking around the perimeter of the room, a frown on his face and one hand under his nose. I let him step back while I walked over to join Henri who was just finishing his interview of the first uniform on the scene.

He filled me in as I took notes and I refrained from looking directly at the bodies until I absolutely had to. When that time finally came, I glanced back at Jim who was still keeping himself in the background. When our glances met, he nodded slightly and stepped to my side. He knows how much I hate this stuff, so when I knelt down, he did, too, resting one hand on my shoulder.

We did our thing and it was as gruesome as I'd feared. I put my squeamishness and horror into a little room in my head to be dealt with later and did my job, my mind on both the homicides and whatever bee Jim had up his sentinel butt. When we were done, Jim practically shot out the door and into the corridor and I trotted after him to keep up. Classes had been cancelled for the day and the corridors were empty, so when he pulled up at the top of a flight of stairs and leaned against the wall, we were all alone.

I watched in concern as he took a few deep breaths, his eyes closing as he planted his hands on his knees and bent over. I placed my hand on his back and moved it in slow, comforting circles while he regained his bearings. After a minute, he stood up straight and yanked off his Cascade PD baseball cap, running his arm over his sweaty forehead before replacing it.

"Yeah, I'm ok," he said. He was still white around the gills, so I lead him over to a bench against one of the walls. Spotting a water fountain, I grabbed a paper cone and filled it, bringing it back to him. He was beginning to worry me.

"Ok, this probably has a lot of chlorine and other stuff in it, so be prepared." He nodded again and took the cone, downing the water like a shot of tequila and then crushing the paper in his fist. I wondered if I should go grab Henri and fill him in on Jim's reaction to the crime scene. It would've been the right thing to do, but there was a large part of me that was pretty possessive about my role as Jim's partner.

I sat next to him. "All right, can you tell me what that was all about?"

"Yeah," he said. "I've been around blood before, but never like this. It - it was like I could taste it, like it was coating my nose and throat."

"Ew," I muttered, "well, that's totally gross. Ok, what else?"

He leaned his head against the wall and closed his eyes. "Nothing. Just the blood."

"Was there something different about it? The texture, the flavor?"

He started to shake his head no, then stopped and opened his eyes to look at me. "Maybe. It was warm."

I stood up and started pacing. "Yeah, that makes sense. All that sunlight was heating up the spilled blood. I mean, we could all smell it, right? But did you get anything different, anything under the scent? And are you sure it was from the blood?"

"I don't know. Yeah, maybe."

"Ok, is it organic, like a plant, or chemical in nature?"

He winced and rubbed at his forehead in a familiar gesture of frustration. "It's - it's sweet, cloying - I don't know how else to explain it."

"Ok," I said, "not a lot of help. We'll ask them to put a rush on the tox results, maybe something will show up there."

Standing up, he said, "Let's go look again before they transport the bodies." He strode back down the hallway.

"Oh, yeah. Let's, " I said fatalistically - to myself - as I followed.

Jim didn't get anything more so we headed to the station to start our investigation. A few quick calls netted us the information that the younger sister, Ellen, was out of town. The other vic, a teacher at the school named Paul Vierra, was single and had no family in Cascade. We spent the morning compiling a list of names and planning our next moves. All of which would have been SOP, except that the press had gotten wind of the murders and were clogging the phone lines.

Jim's notorious iron stomach reasserted itself in time for lunch and I managed to swallow some soup as we worked through the afternoon. As the day wore on, I became edgier and so did Jim, both of us wondering what the heck I was going to do. But I could honestly say, after that crime scene, I was getting a pretty good idea.

Around four, I received a call from David. He said they needed a commitment because one mining company was being bought out by another and Van Zant needed to get some research done asap. I asked him to meet me at a Tully's near his office at six and he agreed.

I hung up the phone and looked directly into Jim's eyes. A weird feeling of deja vu washed through me but this time, instead of freezing me out, Jim stood and motioned to me to do the same.

"Let's take a break."

Jim took us up to the roof and across the helipad to a little spot close - but not too close - to the edge. The good weather had held, with a nice breeze coming in off the water. I shielded my eyes against the sun before Jim grabbed my shoulders and turned me away from him.

"Ok, here's the deal," he said, his hands still resting on me as he leaned to speak in my ear. "Whatever you decide is fine with me. I just wanted you to know that before you meet with this guy that I'll support your decision either way."

"Jim, - "

I heard a little smile in his voice as he continued. "You remember what you asked me up here, about a million years ago?"

"Sure," I said, laughing a little in remembrance. "After a free aerial tour of Cascade courtesy of that nutcase, how could I forget? If I remember correctly, you didn't exactly answer my question."

His fingers tightened. "Do you have your answer now?"

I swallowed and nodded. "Yeah, I think I figured it out. Why?"

"Because I want you to know that I wouldn't blame you if you decided to walk. I don't want this job to suck the life out of you so if you have to go, I'll understand. I mean it, this time." His arms slid around me and he drew me close to his chest. His voice was rough and low when he continued. "Just as long as you come home to me at the end of the day, ok, Chief? That's all I'm asking."

I closed my eyes and leaned back into his strength, clutching at his encircling arms. "Aw, Jim," I sighed, and that was about all I could get out. I turned in his embrace and wrapped one arm around his waist and held him close, drawing his head to my shoulder.

"Thanks," I whispered, and felt his nod against the side of my head. I turned and kissed his neck and then he released me. Three minutes later, we were back at our desks and working on the Chapin case.

"Jim, can I see you a sec?"

I looked up to see Simon standing at my desk, hands on his hips.

"Sure, Cap, what's up?"

"In my office."

I followed him inside and got comfortable. Simon sat in his chair wearily, pinching the bridge of his nose before fixing me with a stern glare.

"Sandburg already leave?"

"Yeah, about ten minutes ago. He's meeting with the guy from Van Zant at six."

"He give you any indication as to what his decision was going to be?"

I shrugged and opted for a tone of indifference. "No. I have a feeling he wasn't real sure himself. He'll let me know tonight. After that call today, who could blame him if he opted out of this line of work?"

"Bad, I take it?"

"Bad enough."

There was a slight pause. "Jim, are you going to be ok with whatever it is he chooses to do?"

The question put me a little on the defensive. "Who's asking, the captain or the friend?"

"Both, damn it, and frankly, I don't think that it's your place to ask me that question. Now, I told Sandburg I'd be supportive either way. What I want to know is - have you done the same thing?"

I stared at him, my little burst of anger fading away. "Simon, I -"

"Look, Jim, I can't tell you how to run your life. All I can say is that what you two have together - well, it needs to survive beyond this job and beyond your abilities. You two have come too far and through too much shit to lose it all now."

"Simon, we're -"

"So I guess I'm saying, don't screw it up this time. Communicate with each other on this, all right?"

"Yeah, Simon, but -"

"And another thing. If he chooses this other job, you make sure he comes around here when he can. There are people around here who might just miss him -"

"Simon. Listen, we're fine. Believe me, he knows I'm behind him one hundred per cent." It's a good thing I'm an expert at keeping a straight face. Comes in pretty damn handy once in a while.

He looked at me through narrowed eyes, then leaned back in his chair. "Glad to hear that, Jim. Be nice to have everybody on the same page for once. Now get out of here. Oh, and tell Sandburg I expect a call from him tonight, too."

I rose. "Yes, sir." I finally let a smile break through as I watched him shuffle through papers on his desk.

"You know, Simon, I'm beginning to think you're getting pretty soft in your -"

"I'd advise you not finish that sentence, detective." He didn't even look up.

"Right. Goodnight, sir."

I was heading for the door when my phone rang. A quick glance at my watch reminded me it was too early for Sandburg to be calling. With my luck, it would be work-related.

It was. Ellen Chapin, having been informed of her sister's untimely and violent demise, had returned from Los Angeles and with her lawyer was demanding an audience at her house. I agreed, inwardly groaning at the thought of the long hours ahead. I hung up, then out of habit hit the speed dial for Sandburg's cell.

Before it could ring, I disconnected and dialed the loft, leaving a message for Blair who was heading straight home after his meeting. Then I called Brown and made arrangements to meet him at the Chapin residence.

By the time I got out of there, I was sick to death of Ellen Chapin, her creepy attorney and her trio of yappy Pomeranians that barked and whined through the entire interview. Plus, I'll admit my head wasn't in the game. Ellen Chapin had an alibi; all she really wanted to do was jerk our chain. When she realized I was William Ellison's son, she turned on the old money familiarity, pushing a couple of my more well-worn buttons. Driving home, I realized how much I needed Blair at my side - a shared glance or a touch on my arm would've made things a little more bearable when she'd started in on the noblesse oblige crap.

As soon as I got out of the truck, I smelled it. Blair was not only home, he was making tomato cheddar soup.

Shit. Comfort food.

I took the stairs, trying to arrange my face so that he wouldn't see the disappointment right off. If he felt we had something to celebrate, we'd be having something weird and exotic because he'd be trying to slip it under my good mood and tell me it was some tradition from somewhere I'd never heard of.

But tomato cheddar soup was usually saved for break ups, playoff losses and post hospital visits. I didn't have to worry about the first one any more and it was the wrong time of year for the second one, and we were both currently in one piece, so it could only mean there was some kind of blow coming and it required one of my favorite meals.

As I unlocked the front door, I had to smile a little. For all my supportive declarations, Sandburg must've known what I wanted all along.

The loft was bathed in soft light, mostly from the fireplace and a few candles scattered around the room. There was a light on in the kitchen and more light spilling out of Sandburg's room. I stared at that patch of light while I pulled off my jacket, realizing that we hadn't discussed the important things yet - like where he was going to sleep from now on. I couldn't imagine not going to bed every night without Blair beside me now but I grudgingly admitted to myself that maybe I was taking a whole lot for granted.

I'd just unsnapped my holster from my belt when Blair came out, head bent over a sheaf of papers in his hand and oblivious to my arrival. He had his glasses on, wearing a faded blue flannel shirt and gray sweatpants. His hair still wasn't quite long enough to tie back, so it framed his downturned face with curls. Even as I watched he absently tucked a lock behind his ear, eyes still intent on the papers in his hand as he moved towards the kitchen table.

"Hey," I said quietly.

He looked up and smiled. "Hey, yourself!" He set the papers down and stepped closer to me, grabbing the back of one of the chairs. "You look beat - what happened with Ellen Chapin? Did we get any results from the lab?"

Setting the holster down on the counter, I frowned at him and held my hands out from my side. I made a big show of looking around and behind me before meeting his puzzled gaze. "That's it? Honeymoon over already? Get over here."

He stood there for just a second before breaking into a huge grin and moving into my arms. I held him close, burrowing my nose into the warm, soft spot under his ear that I'd gotten pretty attached to the night before. His arms came around my waist, hands gently kneading my lower back. I glanced over his shoulder at the documents. With a little twinge of resignation, I recognized them as his separation paperwork.

"That's better," I mumbled, shutting my mind against the implications before lifting my head so I could kiss him. His mouth opened instantly beneath mine and I swear each time we did that, it got better. His tongue played against my lips, teasing and dancing until I sucked it into my mouth with a little moan.

"No," he said when we broke apart a few minutes later, "that's better." He brushed my cheek with his lips and then let me go to walk into the kitchen and give the soup a stir.

It smelled great but the aroma only served to increase my anxiety. I cleared my throat and leaned my elbows on the counter.

"Ok, Chief, time to put me out of my misery. What did you tell them?"

He was in the middle of tasting the soup. He paused and smiled at me gently, then lapped delicately at the spoon. I waited with ill-concealed impatience while he covered the pot and wiped off his hands, that same little smile still in place as he turned down the heat. Slipping his glasses into his breast pocket, he walked over to the kitchen table and picked up the stack of papers. I pushed back from the counter and watched him.

Holding the stack in the palms of his hands, he lifted them towards me like an offering.

"Ok," he began, serious now. I swallowed and waited, quickly reminding myself that this was Blair's choice and I needed to suck it up and take it like a man.

"You want the insurance forms or the confidentiality stuff? I'm keeping the letter from HR for last, I think. Oh, no, wait, I have something else for that."

I stared at him. "Uh, Sandburg, you suffering from some kind of memory lapse here? We filled this stuff out last week, remember?" I watched, my confusion growing as he started flipping through the pages, pulling some out and shoving them at me.

"Here's the union flyer - you can do that one. Spotter is such a jerk. Oh, and this," another bunch of sheets were pushed at me, "here's the info on reentering the job market. That's a nice thick one that is totally useless in the real world. Where's the - oh, there it -"

"Sandburg!" I bellowed. He stopped his paper shuffling and looked at me. "What did you tell them?"

"I told them -" he began, then interrupted himself. "No, we do this my way. C'mere."

I watched him walk over to the fireplace and kneel down, setting the papers on the rug. He motioned me over and I sank to my knees at his side as poked at the small blaze burning there.

He twisted around until he was sitting cross-legged, then picked up the top sheet from the pile.

"This one," he said, wrinkling his nose, "is tips on preserving my uniform. I'm gonna start with it 'cause you probably know all that stuff already." He tossed it into the fire with a little flourish.

I finally got it. "Sandburg - you -" I floundered, sitting back hard on my butt.

He broke into delighted laughter. "Slow, man, you are so slow! You umph!"

I leapt at him and pinned him beneath me. He was still grinning, his eyes so full of love and mirth that I had to kiss him. Repeatedly.

"Goddammit, Blair," I murmured against the side of his face, "you just love to torture me, don't you, you little bastard."

The hands that had been wrapped around my arms moved to cup my cheeks. The laughter faded and his smile softened.

"You're just so easy sometimes, you know?" he replied.

I sighed and sat up, pulling him with me. Maneuvering around until I had him sitting between my legs facing the fire, his back to my chest, I waited until we were comfortable before replying.

"Only for you, tough guy. Don't let it get around." I bit his ear gently on my way to grabbing what turned out to be the union forms. "Guess we needed a little symbolism, hunh?" I asked, tossing the paper in.

He turned a little so he could see my face. "Exactly," he whispered, then kissed me lightly. "Should do this with the diss. Cleansing ritual or something."

I ran my fingertips over his fire-warmed brow. "No way. Save it so we can publish it someday, right?"

Our glances met and held. Blair looked at me searchingly for a long moment before nodding, then he turned so we could proceed. It didn't take long, culminating with the letter from HR. Then we sat and watched the fire for awhile, my arms tangled with his around his waist.

Then he wiggled his ass against me before leaning to the left. "Almost forgot. Side pocket."

"What?" I managed, still appreciating the little jolt of pleasure his wriggling had produced.

"Side pocket. Pull it out."

I looked down and saw a piece of wrinkled orange paper sticking out his pocket. Blair straightened and I unfolded it in front of both of us, finally recognizing the apartment flyer.

"Last one," he said, taking my wrist and guiding my hand towards the fire so I could throw it in. I felt a sense of satisfaction settle deep inside as we watched it burn. Symbolism and rituals have their place, I guess.

I started getting warm - and hungry. I dislodged Blair and stood up, offering him a hand. "You threw me off with the soup, you know. Last time you made it was the night after my knee got scoped. The time before that, I think it was when Kramer walked on that technicality."

Blair grasped my hand and pulled himself up. "I know. I decided it was a shame that I only made it when something lousy happened. I figured this was a good time to change that, since we're definitely into some new beginnings here." He shrugged and gave me a little grin. "Well, that, and we had all the stuff already."

He started towards the kitchen but I held him back with a touch on his arm.

"What made you decide to stay on the force?" I asked softly, more curious than anything else.

He hesitated before answering, setting his hands on his hips. "Well, it was the case today that really nailed it down for me."

"Yeah?" I asked, taken by surprise. "I figured that would have driven you the other way."

He shook his head. "No. I mean, yes, it was horrible, and gross, and I'm sorry we had to see that, but on the other hand, it was exactly what I needed to see."

I held up my hands. "Whoa, Chief, you're losing me."

He stepped closer, arms gesturing as he continued earnestly. "Don't you get it? Call me a closet control freak, but I can't turn over what I do - what we do together - to anyone else! I would be turning down the most remarkable gift and I can't do it. Look, when we were in that hallway, and you were affected by - whatever that was - how can I trust anyone else to get you through that? I should've called Henri, explained what was going on with you. But I didn't. I couldn't - and I now I know I won't."

He held out his hands and I took them, pulling him closer. The satisfaction I'd felt by the fire spread as he finally put into words how we both felt. "Jim, you know I won't ever like carrying a weapon. And I may have to grieve from time to time over the pain people choose to inflict on themselves and each other. But I truly believe that you were - delivered - into my hands as a sacred trust."

"Your Holy Grail?" I asked hoarsely, squeezing his fingers.

He smiled. "You remember that, hunh? Nah, I realized a long time ago how arrogant that line of thought was. You're not a relic - you're just a man with incredible gifts. And I'm the one to help you use them. It only took almost losing that privilege to see that." He shook his head ruefully. "Am I making any sense here?"

"No more than usual," I smiled, then guided him into my arms. We held onto each other for a few moments, letting our bodies silently testify to the truth of his words.

"Look," I said after a little while, "you don't have to sell me. I'm sold already. So, uh, can we eat now?"

Blair's chuckle was warm against my shoulder. "Yeah, sure," he said, lifting his head. "Emotional crap makes you hungry. I've heard that before."

He started to move away but I held him still. "True. So, as long I'm working up an appetite here, I need you to indulge me."

He frowned. "Ok. How?"

I brushed my lips across his. "Tell me you'll love me forever," I whispered.

His eyes darkened as his arms slipped around me again.

"I'll love you forever, Jim Ellison," he said quietly, then stood on his toes to kiss me. I let him take his time, enjoying the subtle domination of his mouth over mine, the sense of mutual ownership that bound us together.

After I reluctantly let him pull back, I was glad I did, just to be rewarded by the look of complete conviction in Blair's eyes as he continued.

"But I give you fair warning, Jim. I seriously doubt that forever is gonna be long enough."

I framed his face with my hands and tilted him forward so I could lay an easy kiss on his forehead. Then I responded to his warning the best way I knew how.

"Works for me. Let's eat."