Author's disclaimer: Second verse, same as the first! Little bit sillier, little bit worse! I don't own 'em, wish I did. No money is being made off this (more's the pity).

Author's notes: This is for a lot of people who correctly pointed out to me that I had been wrong the first time around when I declared "Delaware" as the "Live Free or Die" state. I corrected that plus a couple hundred typos in here.

Last but not least, this is also for the people who wanted to know what in holy schlamolies I did with Wyoming. I didn't do anything with it, but I did add it in this time around. So, here it is is, just for you Wyoming peebles. YOU ASKED FOR IT. (wickedly gleeful snickering)

But hey, feedback cheerfully accepted! If you give me feedback, I promise to do my best to continue to entertain you! There will be a Blair in everyone's shower, a Jim in everyone's bed, and a plot bunny to keep them motivated. And of course, no taxes. Sned your vote! This is a recording...

"'You've Got A Friend In Pennsylvania'. I do? And what the hell is he doing out here to tell me that for, anyway?"

Blair looked askance at his lover as they rode down the Interstate. Jim's father, William Ellison, had booked a reservation for the two of them at an exclusive resort down in Northern California for Jim and Blair's one-year anniversary as a "couple". Being eternally grateful to Blair Sandburg by coaxing Jim to work on developing a better relationship with his father and also for the numerous times the younger man had saved the detective's life, and also for the fact that if William Ellison wanted to continue working on a better relationship with his son then he'd better include Blair as a part of his son's life, this was William's gift to both men. And seeing as how Jim had a week in which to goof off - "use or lose" time - they had taken the senior Ellison up on his offer, Blair feeling both grateful and embarrassed for the fact that he wouldn't have to pay for anything unless he wanted to. Although, knowing how his lover got when in a pandering mood, Jim would probably insist on spoiling him rotten.

Gee, it was a tough situation, but he'd get through it somehow.

Now, however, he asked, "Jim? You okay, big guy?"

Glancing over at his lover briefly, taking his eyes away from the Pennsylvania car in front of them, Jim said, "Yeah, Chief. Why?"

"Because that came outta nowhere. Is there something about Pennsylvania drivers that bug you?"

Jim chuckled and shook his head as he changed lanes, sped up and passed the driver, then got back into the driving lane a half-mile later. "Not a thing, Sandburg. But the State motto ... Jeez, you'd think they could come up with something a little less smarmy?"

"Maybe," Blair agreed. He shrugged. "Wonder what he was doing all the way out here, anyway?"

"I dunno. I'm probably going to laugh, though, if he winds up in the same resort as where we're headed."

"I'll be laughing right along with ya, man." The anthropologist snickered lightly.

They drove in silence for a little while longer, then the younger man turned slightly in his seat to look at the older man. "But don't you think it's interesting what States decide to put on their license plates? Like, Florida and Georgia put the counties."

"Yeah, actually, kind of," Jim admitted. "Wonder why they do that, though."

"Maybe in case some of these people forget where they live overnight?"

The Sentinel started laughing and he reached over to settle his hand on his lover's thigh and began to stroke lightly.

"Indiana used to say 'Wander'," Blair then informed him.

Jim laughed again. "Sure, just get out and get hit by a fuckin' Greyhound Bus." He moved his hand a little higher up Blair's leg. "New Hampshire's is: 'Live Free ... or Die'!"

"Well, I'm certainly not gonna move there, man," Blair replied, laughing. "I get just a little nervous in any state with a mentioned death right on the license plate."

"There's always Idaho: 'Famous Potatoes'."

"Which ought to tell the state residents something, don't you think?"

"Maybe. But if they've been there that long, they've probably put down roots by now and grown accustomed to it," Jim said.

Blair groaned. "Ohhhh, bad! Bad, Jim, very bad!" he laughed. Then he grinned mischievously at his lover. "Wanna see if we can come up with our own versions for State mottos?"

"Lord have mercy on the US!" Jim began laughing. "We're about to thoroughly diss fifty states, aren't we?"

"Why not, man? Think of it as a variation of the road-trip game of looking for different state plates. We can even do it alphabetically, work our way down the system."

Okay, okay. I'll go first. How about ... ah! Got it. Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi."

Blair cracked up, then said, "Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!"

Jim's laughter echoed around the cab of the truck. "Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat."

"Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing."

"California: As Seen on TV."

"Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother." Blair shivered, thinking of the one Colorado winter he'd experienced.

"Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character."

Blair howled, then, when he'd gotten control of himself, he said, "Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in Our Water."

Jim practically screamed with laughter, then calmed enough to giggle out, "Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids."

"Georgia: We Put the 'Fun' in Fundamentalist Extremism."

The Sentinel was hard put to keep the truck on the road, he was practically writhing with that one. "Yeah, that's one you'd think of, Chief!" he gasped. A moment later, he came back with, "Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)."

Blair beat desperately on the dash of the truck as he gasped for breath. It was rare that he got to see Jim's inventive and creative sense of humor, and as his stomach cramped from laughter, he thought that it might just be a good thing. No way could he survive this continually. Finally, he got enough breath back to say, "Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ... Well, Okay, Maybe Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good."

Jim snickered. "Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce The 'S'."

"Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free."

The Sentinel curled up over the steering wheel and prayed his bladder would make it to the next rest stop. "Iowa: We Do Amazing Things with Corn."

Once Blair could breathe again, he came up with, "Oh, God, I don't wanna know! Um ... Kansas: First of the Rectangle States."

"Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names."

A moment later, the truck pulled over to the side of the road and Jim put it in park, the turned to help his lover remember how to breathe properly as the two of them laughed until tears streamed down their cheeks.

"Oh, man," Blair gasped painfully, still panting with laughter. "This is ... like ... so dangerous, man!"

"It was ... your ... idea, Chief!" Jim practically shrieked, then gave a big, shuddering gasp and attempted to calm down enough to drive. He accepted the tissue Blair handed him gratefully and mopped at his eyes.

"Yeah, I know. Come on, man. If you can drive, let's do it. We've still got the rest of the states to go through and there's a rest stop coming up in about five miles."

"Oh, Jesus, if we can make it!"

"Sure we will. You're behind the wheel; I know for a fact you won't let anything happen to this truck of yours," Blair teased.

Jim reached out and pulled his lover against him, then took his mouth in a long, hot, thoroughly intense kiss that left them both breathless and panting. His blue eyes burned into Blair's as he muttered huskily, "And I refuse to let anything happen to you, lover."

Blair shuddered as he became highly aroused. His lips parted and his eyes became heavy and dilated. "Jim, man, hurry. I don't wanna jump you in the truck, man."

With a smug, knowing grin, Jim gave a last teasing kiss, licking his way into then out of Blair's mouth, before pulling away and putting the truck back onto the road. They hadn't gone very far when Jim said quietly, "Your turn, Chief. What's next?"

Blair pulled his attention away from his erection, which was tenting his jeans, and said, "Ummm ... ah. Got it. Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk, Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign!"

Jim laughed. "Maine: Cold, But Damp."

The younger man giggled and shuddered. "Don't remind me. Lessee ... Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware."

Laughter echoed in the cab. "Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)."

"Michigan: First Line of Defense from the Canadians."

"Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000 Mosquitoes."

"Augh!" Blair laughed. "I'm glad that's one state Naomi and I never got to, then." He paused for a moment, then said, "Mississippi: Come Feel Better about Your Own State."

"Ohhh! Harsh, Chief," Jim replied, snickering. "Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Taxes At Work."

Blair laughed, then paused. "Umm ... man, I don't know too much about Montana. I don't even know what the real State motto is!"

"Don't worry about it, Chief. Let's leave it at this: Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else."

The younger man laughed. "Jeez. Okay ... Nebraska: Ask about Our State Motto Contest."

Jim laughed. "Nevada: Whores and Poker!"

"In that case, we're steering clear of that state!" Blair announced.

"Aw, c'mon, Chief! Think of all the money we could win-"

"Jim, we do a fairly decent job cleaning out the rest of the gang every two weeks on poker night and there is no way in hell I'm letting you near all those women."

"Don't you trust me, Blair?" Jim sounded a little hurt.

Blair reached over and lovingly stroked his lover's face. "Of course I do, love. But I don't want you to have to arrest me for murder 'cause of jealousy! Those women will take one look at you and be all over you like a pack of dogs on a three-legged cat!"

Jim smiled at that and nuzzled into his love's hand. "Ah. Then we'd both be arrested for the same reasons, sweetheart."

The Guide grinned at that, then settled back, this time being the one to place his hand on the other man's thigh and stroking. "Okay, what's next? Oh, yeah. New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone."

"Hmmm. Maybe we should move there so we can get a little privacy..." Jim mused, grinning. Then he said, "New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!"

Blair laughed. "You do that accent so well. New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets."

Jim burst out laughing on that one. "Now, if only Peru were a state, then you could've really used that one!"

"Oh, sure. Don't even try it, Jim. I know how jealous you were of that lizard being down there!" Blair scoffed, laughing.

"Yeah, I was," the older man admitted, surprising his lover. He laughed, then said, "New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney...."

Giggling, the Guide came back with, "North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable."

"North Dakota: We Really Are One of the 50 States!"

"Ohio: You'll Smell the Cows."

"Oh, Jesus. Remind me never to go there!" Jim laughed. A moment later, he said, "Oklahoma: Like the Play, Only No Singing."

"Oregon: Spotted Owl ... It's What's for Dinner."

Jim laughed at that, but said, "I'm surprised at you, Chief. I wouldn't have thought you'd think of something like that."

"Well, we could always try, Oregon: Look for the Rain Cloud ... We're Right Below It."

"That's better," the older man agreed, snickering. "Ahhh, here's one for our friend in Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal."

Blair giggled, then replied, "Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY an Island."

"South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender."

Cracking up, the younger man tried to calm down enough to answer with, "South Dakota: Closer than North Dakota."

Jim laughed hard. "Tennessee: The Educashun State."

Blair razzed his lover. "Texas: Largest State in the Nation, Until Alaska."

The older man cracked up. Once he'd calmed down, he replied with, "Utah: Our Jesus is Better than Your Jesus."

That made the younger student howl and curl in on himself. "Oh, man!" He coughed, clearing his throat a little, wiped at his eyes, and said, "Vermont: Yep."

Jim merely grinned at him. "Virginia: Who Says Government Officials and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?"

Blair screamed with laughter, his feet drumming a tattoo on the floorboards. "Oh, God. I hope we get to the rest area soon!"

"Just another mile and a half, love," Jim replied, snickering.

"Hmmm. Ah-ha!" Guide looked over at Sentinel and said, "Washington: The Incessant Nagging Drizzle State."

"Yes!" the older man replied, laughing and nodding his head. "Washington, D.C. (yes, I know it's not really a state, but it's close enough): Wanna Be Mayor?"

Blair squirmed, giggling continuously now. "West Virginia: One Big Happy Family - Really!"

Jim laughed and then gave a sly grin to his lover. "Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese."

With the last of his control, the Guide gasped out, "Wyoming: We've Got Buttes out the Ass!"

Five minutes later, the truck was parked in the rest area parking lot and the two men staggered towards the restroom, leaning on each other and laughing so hard they could barely see straight. People turned to watch them go inside, grinning.

"Those fellas must be on one long road trip," one old gentleman remarked to his wife.

Ten minutes later, Jim and Blair left the restroom, both looking a little flushed and rumpled, but the other rest area patrons merely put it down to the laughing spree that had been witnessed. And if anyone noticed the funny way the two men walked as they made their way back to their truck, no one gave any indication of it.

Although, the old gentleman's wife did speak up and mention about what very pretty and contented smiles the two men were wearing.