I don't own any of them. If wishes were horses.
This is a song-fic. Those open to this genre, I would be pleased to have your comments. Those who dislike this genre, lay the weapon down and back away slowly.
AN: Prologue and Epilogue are narration - Jim's POV. The rest is usual third person.

PROLOGUE:

That's The Way I Remember It
(Tommy Simms/Tony Arata)

It's only natural with time
Details can somehow slip your mind
Something so sweet, though incomplete
You fill the spaces in-between

It never will be that way again
Maybe it wasn't way back when
But to my heart and soul
This is the way the story has to be told

That's the way (that's the way) I remember it I remember it that way
From the day I was living there
I remember it that way

Some of our stories fade as we grow older Some get sweeter every time they're told That's the way (that's the way) I remember it that way....

God.... who would've ever thought I'd be waking up this way every single damn morning.... and liking - no, loving it. Used to be I'd open my eyes and not care what there was to see. Same old bedroom, same old skylight.... same everything. Now the first thought in my head is him. Before I even really come around, his heartbeat is there at the edge of my mind. I can hear its rhythm, feel it against my back... hell, sometimes, with my eyes still closed, I almost think I can see it, synched up with mine and pulsing with this strong, steady tempo behind my lids. The pulses are always deep red. Never any other color.

Before my senses came online, I just sorta walked through the world half blind. Knowing it hadn't gone up in flames was enough for me. Becoming a Sentinel was a wake-up call I didn't want. At first, I pushed the world away and ignored it; too bright, too loud, too out of my control. Then I was pulling my head into my shell because I couldn't deal with the reality; to get that control back I'd have to depend on somebody else for my safety and my sanity. Now.... I see the world through his eyes and nothing is what it used to be.

The skylight in our bedroom took on a whole new importance the first night and morning he spent here with me. After seeing his incredible face glowing in moonlight.... then waking up beside him and finding the sun had shaded his skin this soft pink-orange... let's say sometimes a skylight is just a skylight and sometimes it isn't. Neither is a bedroom. I used to treasure my quiet time here. Now I can't imagine this space without his voice echoing in it; his laughter, his irritation, his soft groan when I run one finger down the underside of his cock.... no composer's ever written music that touches me deeper than that.

Of course, it wasn't always this good. We went through some serious pain and rage to get here. And stubbornness and depression and one or two slight bouts of mildly psychotic behavior. That last was on my side only, you understand, though, at the time, I thought he had to be a little bit nuts to do what he did to me. When I found out, I mean.... I wanted to wring his scrawny little neck, but it turned out okay. It got us a third for "naughty-fun-time" as Blair likes to call it. Don't get me wrong. I love Blair with everything I have and everything I am. When the idea came up between the three of us, I wouldn't even talk about it, but Blair is so open and generous he said yes right off the bat. He convinced me it would work out and would never come between us. I was still balking when he told me a couple things he learned from our third partner and.... I was on board. Let's just leave it there for now, okay?

Anyway, now we're all as happy as I guess it's possible for humans to be, but like I said, it took a lot to make it to where we are and none of it was pleasant. That's what this story's really about. Why don't we do some time traveling? Let's go back about seven months and I'll show what I was like then and why all this pain and rage etc. actually happened. You're gonna pretty much hate me for most of this, so don't worry about yelling, screaming, booing or hissing. I can take it. Trust me, you'll get your Kleenex tearjerker moment. Just read. You'll see what I'm talking about....

CHAPTER 1:

Driftin' Away (First verse)
(Tommy Simms)

With all of my heart, I know I could love you But, with all of my soul, I'm driftin' away With all of my mind, I know you could save me from myself And anything else,
With all of my strength, I wanna reach out for you With every breath, callin' out your name With every step, I just wanna turn around and say Baby make it okay

But I'm so afraid that you've forgiven me one too many times And I'm so afraid to give my heart again, just to have a change of mind And I'm not quite sure that you can trust me And I would hate to have you find me again Baby, like the wind, driftin' away....

"Chief, for the last time, get your ass out here and eat something! You've got ten minutes before you have to leave for school!"

Frowning, Blair hopped into the kitchen on one foot, still tugging his other boot on.

"Since when are you my mother, Jim? I don't remember the adoption ceremony..."

"You obviously need somebody to make sure you drag your bony butt out of bed on time. And I didn't adopt you, Junior. Once you were here I realized I just didn't have the heart or the energy to get rid of you."

Blair's frown deepened as he dropped into a chair at the kitchen table.

"Real nice, Ellison. Are you saying I'm a stray dog or stubborn soap scum on the shower door?"

"I'm not saying either one, Sandburg." Jim sighed heavily, running one hand over his face. "It's... you know this latest case is gettin' to me. I'm not sleeping, my stomach's in knots.... I don't know what I'm saying half the time. Just... don't push, alright?"

Once his boot was secure, Blair stood and walked to where Jim leaned forward over the sink. The younger man laid a comforting hand on Jim's shoulder and spoke gently to him.

"You'll find Melanie Garner, Jim."

"Not before she ends up scarred for life.... Our window's closing, Chief. If we don't get something soon...."

"You will. You have to believe that."

"I've seen too many of these cases, Chief. Belief is a luxury I can't afford."

Blair opened his mouth to respond, but realized he had only platitudes to offer and no guarantee that the abducted eight year old would be discovered safe and sound. In lieu of tired words he knew Jim didn't want to hear, he gave his partner what he could.

"I wish I could help, Jim.... that I could make it work out with some magic word, but I can't. Damn... I have to go. My cell's charged. I'll keep it on all morning if you get any news.... or if you just need to talk. Don't worry about calling during class, okay? This is too important...."

"I know. Thanks." Jim replied, turning to face Blair and briefly ruffling the other man's curls. Blair slipped an arm around Jim's shoulders and squeezed, but when he felt Jim stiffen, he pulled away, gazing questioningly at Ellison.

"You okay?"

"I told you, I'm tense over the case. Go on. Get going or you'll be late."

"Yeah... okay. I'll see you at lunch-time."

"Don't forget you promised to clear up the backlog of paperwork so I can stay on top of the Garner case."

"I'll do what I can. There's a month's worth of files stacked up on my desk, Jim. I may not get it done today."

Jim felt an ill-tempered comment begging to spill from his mouth, but he realized Blair really didn't deserve any more grief, so he suppressed it.

"I know. Get moving, will ya?"

Jim watched Blair rush out of the loft then turned to begin cleaning the breakfast debris before he headed out himself. When the phone rang a few minutes later, his stomach knotted instantly and a headache started up somewhere behind his eyes. Though he couldn't explain it, he was afraid to take the call. After letting it ring three times, he finally answered it just before the machine would have picked up.

"Ellison. Yeah... God, no.... yeah, I'll be there in ten. Probably less. You let anybody near her it's your ass. Especially the parents. I don't care, it's a crime scene and the.... the body is evidence. The last thing we need is a screw-up like the Ramsey case. Fine. Yeah. Okay. Remember, noone gets within ten feet until the forensics unit and I get there."

Hanging up, Jim forced down the bile in his throat and the impulse to hit something until either he or it shattered. Grabbing his keys and jacket, he stormed out the door; on his way to the scene of a failure it would take him a long time to accept, if he ever could.

"Where is she?"

"In the parents bedroom on the second floor. Far side of the bed, under the window."

Throwing death glares at everyone who even looked as if they might get in his way, Jim walked reluctantly into the large house and up the stairs. His first glimpse of the girl's battered, half clothed body ratcheted his migraine up a few notches and he was forced to look away. Eyes nearly shut, he turned to question the officer who'd followed him in.

"Who found her?"

"Older brother."

"How much older?"

"Two years."

"Eight year old dead and a ten year old headed for a shrink.... shit. Where'd they take him?"

"Nowhere yet. He's downstairs. A female officer's with him."

"Good. I'll be down in a minute to talk to him. Keep the parents away from him."

"You got it."

Breathing deeply, Jim pushed aside his initial reaction to the girl's death and moved to examine her body. Though he knew it would only make the inevitable nightmares worse, he forced himself to open his senses fully as he crouched by the child, gathering vital information that not even the best forensics crew would be able to discover. Slowly, he moved from one sense to the other, painstakingly sifting through the sensory debris, but it was his nose that finally hit pay dirt.

Rising, he left the room and moved back out into the hall, opening doors until he found the bathroom. Shifting items in the medicine cabinet, he pulled out one particular bottle, opened and sniffed it carefully. The scent brought black fury to his expression and caused every muscle in his body to tighten. Re-capping the cologne, he gripped it firmly as he headed back downstairs.

"Where are the parents?"

"Outside, detective."

"Give me ten minutes with the boy, then bring the father in."

"Just him?"

"That's what I said. If you can't follow simple instructions...."

"No, no. Just the dad. I got it."

Striding into the living room, Jim took a seat on the couch, settling on the boy's left side. He shot a quick glance at the female officer, who tossed him a thin smile. Hoping that meant the girl's brother was coping well, at least for the moment, Jim began to question him gently.

"Hi, I'm Jim." He said, holding out his hand. The boy stared at it for a minute then shook it weakly.

"Christopher."

"Hey, Christopher. I know you've been through a lot today, but I just have a couple questions, alright? You up to it?"

"Yeah... I guess. When can I see my mom and dad?"

"Soon, kiddo, real soon. What kind of cologne does your dad use?"

Christopher looked at Jim strangely, but responded with a bit more strength than he'd been showing when Ellison arrived.

"I can't pronounce the name. It's in a blue bottle, though. I know that."

"How do you know?"

"He showed me. He said never to touch it, 'cause it cost a lot."

"You never tried just a little bit, to see what it smelled like? Maybe when your dad wasn't home?" Jim teased, grinning. The response he received, wide eyes, a solemn expression and a slow shake of the head, wasn't at all what he expected.

"No way. He'd know.... and he'd get mad."

"Oh. It's not a good idea to get your dad angry, hmm?"

Christopher shook his head again. "I understand. You've been really brave and smart today, Christopher. Thanks for all your help. This officer's gonna take you to see your mom, now."

Once the other two were gone, Jim glanced at his watch. In the last few minutes before his confrontation with Melanie's father, Jim meditated, deepening and slowing his breathing to control the helpless rage growing inside him.

"Detective? What's going on around here? Noone will tell me what happened to Melanie and now they won't even let me see my son...."

Rising, Jim drew the bottle of cologne out into view, studying the man's reaction carefully.

"Is this yours, sir?"

"Yes.... what are you doing with it?"

"The scent of this was all over your daughter's body. Care to explain that, Mister Garner?"

The color abruptly deserted his prime suspect's face and his lips thinned, but he made no effort to reply. "I was hoping you wouldn't. Take him down to Major Crimes, officer."

"Yes, detective."

"You have no right! I didn't do anything to my daughter.... I loved Melanie! Let me go.... you have no proof!"

"We'll see about that."

"Do you want him cuffed?" the young cop asked.

"Yeah, but not in front of his wife and son. They've been through enough and if I'm right, the hell's just starting. Just get him outta my sight.... fast."

"Understood."

As the immediate stress fell away, Jim's headache reminded him it was still there and he raised one hand to his forehead, wincing in pain. On his way back out to his truck, he pulled out his cell phone, deeply regretting the call he now had to make.

"Blair?"

"Yeah, Jim. Is there any news?"

"All bad. The task force commander called just after you left. They found her, but...."

"Damn, Jim, no...."

"She's dead. Maybe sexually assaulted too."

"Do they have a suspect?"

"Her father. Melanie's ten year old brother found her in his parents bedroom." Jim explained as he settled into the driver's seat and gently closed the door.

"God... I'll get someone to cover and I'll be down at MC as soon as I can...."

"No."

"Jim, you'll need me...."

"I'll be in interrogation with this bastard for at least a couple hours, Chief, probably more. No sense in you blowin' off class. Just come down at lunch like we planned."

"How are you doing?"

"I've got a little headache, but it'll pass."

"Little? Your headaches are never little, Jim...."

"Chief. Drop it."

"Stubborn jackass...."

"Yeah, whatever. See you around one."

Blair pulled the phone away from his ear, stared at it angrily, then slammed it closed and stepped from the corridor back into the classroom. A few of his more perceptive students asked what was wrong, but he gave them a white lie and immediately dove back into the text they were currently discussing.

FOUR HOURS LATER

Finally leaving the interrogation room, Jim trudged back out into the bullpen and collapsed into his chair. Blair looked up at him briefly as he sat down, then returned his eyes to the immense pile of paperwork in front of him.

"Joel got a sandwich for you. It's in the break-room fridge. The ibuprofen is in my drawer, like always."

"Cut the wounded act, Sandburg. I've got enough to deal with right now."

"Hey, if you think you can handle one of your bad headaches without help, who am I to say different?"

"Damn it, Blair..."

"Can we discuss this later? I've got work to do."

Jim blew out a disgusted sigh, rose and moved off toward Simon Banks' office.

"Can I borrow a couple pain reliever, Simon?"

"Is Sandburg's eternal supply actually empty?" Banks joked, reaching into a drawer and tossing a small bottle to Jim.

"No. He's just being a brat."

"This is news?"

"Okay, more of a brat than usual." Jim corrected as he sat down and popped open the container, shaking out two tablets. His captain next passed him a cold bottle of water in trade for the rest of the pills.

"How did the interview go?"

"He broke finally. Seems he's a psycho for discipline. He saw some program on TV about a woman who was kidnapped and kept in this... homemade box under the perp's waterbed for days at a time. He decided it would be perfect for Melanie... to teach her to obey him. He built his own version and installed it while the wife and son were both out. Then he shoved her in it and told everybody she'd been taken." Jim said, swallowing the pills gratefully.

"How the hell did her brother find her?"

"You know how hot it's been lately? Think about the temperature in that box. Her body temp got too high.... she must've had a seizure, choked on her tongue. That's the ME's initial finding anyway. The sick son of a bitch pulled her out of the box and laid her on the floor but he was clueless so.... she died. While he was off looking for something he could use to cover her up and get her out of the house..."

"Christopher walked in."

"And called 911."

"Has anybody talked to the wife yet?"

"Connor's in with her now. Hopefully she'll fill in the missing pieces."

"Like how she didn't hear her daughter moving or screaming when she was sleeping right above her."

"I don't think Melanie did scream. This bastard... he has Christopher terrified. No reason to think that didn't extend to the girl too."

"If he told her not to twitch or make a sound, she wouldn't."

"Exactly."

Blair knocked on the doorframe just then and the conversation ended, much to Jim's relief.

"Come in, Sandburg." Simon announced.

The younger man moved close to Jim and gave him a sheepish look, laying his hands on the other man's shoulders. Brushing aside the sudden tension he felt in his partner, Blair maintained contact while he apologized.

"I'm sorry, okay?"

Jim nodded. "That sandwich is still waiting on you. Why don't we both go take a break? I know you must be hungry by now."

"Not really."

"You still need to eat."

Suddenly, Jim leapt to his feet and shoved Blair away from him, driving him backwards into the nearest wall.

"Get this straight, Sandburg; you don't automatically know what's best for me and you don't tell me what to do! You're supposed to be a Guide, not a babysitter or a nanny! You better start learning to get off my back and take no for an answer or...."

"Or what?"

"I was an Army Ranger, kid. Trust me you don't wanna know all the ways I can end that sentence!" Ellison snarled before stalking out of the office. Blair shook his head to clear it then looked to Simon, confusion clearly dominating his expression.

"I don't know either." his superior offered. "If I had to make a guess, I'd say it's the Garner girl. You know as well as I do it drives him crazy when cases go bad. He feels like he failed."

"He knows better than that, Simon."

"So does every cop. It doesn't stop us from feeling like it's our fault when innocent kids die."

"That's not all of it. Even before this case hit his desk...."

"What? If you know something's wrong, you need to tell me, Sandburg."

"That's just it, I don't know.... not for sure. He's.... did you see him react when I touched his shoulders? It was like he wanted to scream at me to get my hands off him, but..."

"He didn't dare. Not where half the bullpen could hear."

"Yeah. It's been that way for two weeks. I keep trying and he just pulls farther and farther back.... I don't understand."

"Blair.... what I see in your eyes right now.... tell me I'm wrong. Please, God, tell me I'm wrong."

Blair ran his hands through his hair distractedly before unwillingly meeting his captain's eyes.

"I wish I could. You have to believe me, Simon, I didn't do this on purpose. I just came to one day and realized.... I love him."

"Have you two...."

"Huh? Oh, no! We.... I don't think either of us has ever... you know what with another guy. We haven't even showed bunt, never mind made it to first base, but I... I was so sure we'd get there. I thought I was reading him right. Now... I don't have a clue what he's feeling unless he's yelling at me."

"What do I say here, Sandburg? I don't understand it and I can't officially condone it, but... I do know what he was like before you; scared, withdrawn and confused. He's my best friend and I don't ever wanna see him that way again. Even if he doesn't ever give back everything you need, promise me you won't just take off and leave him. He'll go crazy...."

"God, I'm his Guide, Simon! You know how bonded we are... how much we depend on each other! I won't just up and walk away. Not unless he forces me to go."

"Blair...."

"No. I'll make you a promise to stay, but it has to be conditional."

"You let him push you away once before and look what almost happened...."

"Oh, no. Don't you dare go on an Alex Barnes guilt trip, Simon! There was other stuff going on there and you know it. If he shoves me out of his life this time, it'll be all his decision.... and I'll have to accept it."

Before the captain could produce another argument, Blair turned and left the office, returning to his paperwork.

CHAPTER 2:

Driftin' Away (second half)

(Tommy Simms)

With all of my heart, I know I disappointed you And although I'm real sorry
I don't know how to save this time
But, if I would lose you
I know, I know I'd go completely out of my mind I'm running out of time

And I'm so afraid that you've forgiven me one too many times And I'm so afraid to give my heart again just to have a change of mind And I'm not quite sure that you can trust me And I would hate to have you find me again Baby, like the wind, driftin' away.....

TWO DAYS LATER: 6:00 A.M.

Bent over what was left of a diminishing stack of forms and reports, Blair had so far been able to ignore the concerned looks he was getting from the night shift detectives as they headed home. When Simon arrived, however, he wasn't about to let the younger man get away with brushing him off.

"Look at me, Sandburg. Now!"

"Fine. I'm looking. Was that all you wanted?"

"You should be so lucky. I see you. Where's your partner?"

"Still asleep."

"And you're here at this hour of the morning because...."

"I have work to do."

"Right. Try again."

Blair glanced around to make sure noone was in hearing distance, but still spoke quietly.

"I'm sick of Jim, okay? I've lasted through two days of him either blasting me for stupid, irrelevant stuff or refusing to talk to me and I can't take it anymore! I just thought... it'd be better if I got out of the loft before he woke up."

"Probably a good idea. You're making headway on the backlog."

"Yeah.... I should have it done today."

Simon lifted one eyebrow.

"No school?"

"Like you said, I should be so lucky. I promise, I'll do my best to stay out of his way until I get this finished. Then I'll take off and go find somewhere else to be."

Unexpectedly, Blair felt a hand on his back and looked up to find Rafe had joined them.

"Sandburg.... this is your space too. You belong here as much as he does. Don't ever feel like you have to leave because Jim's working through the aftermath of a nasty case. Not pushing his buttons is a good idea, but if you don't feel like running for the hills the exact second you're done with his reports and his paperwork.... then don't."

Blair's grateful smile made Rafe's heart do an intricate ballet maneuver in his chest. He swiftly suppressed the startling flare of emotion and put effort into keeping his face calm and composed.

"Thanks, man. It'll be better if I'm not here, though. He'll just spread the hostility around and you guys don't deserve that."

"We're all trained in hand-to-hand combat. I think we can handle ourselves." Rafe joked, tentatively returning Blair's easy grin.

"Yeah, still... it's for my benefit too. The less time I spend around him right now, the more pleasant I'll be to hang out with. I really appreciate the support, but I'm just gonna finish up these last ten or eleven files and go."

Rafe hung his head for a moment, deep in thought, then raised his eyes and turned to Simon, who seemed to read his intentions in his gaze and responded before the other man could speak.

"You're through with the Bonner homicide, right? All the post-production cleaned up?"

"Yeah. Yesterday."

"Take the afternoon off, then. Keep your pager on just in case."

"I will. Thanks, sir."

Simon smirked, tucked his ever-present cigar into a corner of his mouth and walked away, heading for his office. "So.... looks like we're both free. Feel like sticking together for a few hours? There must be something going on.... a museum exhibit, an outdoor concert."

"You mean it?"

"Of course I do."

"Well.... there is the Cascade Shakespeare Festival downtown. I was gonna go later, but..."

"I forget, what production are they doing this week?"

"Othello."

"Oh, yeah. I'd love to see that. Last month's issue of 'Cultural Cascade' magazine said they're a fantastic company of actors. Real pros."

Blair's eyes widened in shock.

"You read 'Cultural Cascade'? I thought I was their only subscriber!" he laughed.

"So did I. You know, if I help you with those files, we could probably jet out of here in time to have a sit down lunch instead of grabbing take-out." Rafe offered, praying the nervousness that was tying sailor's knots in his digestive tract couldn't be heard in his voice.

"You sure? I mean, you don't have to...."

"I want to. Eating slowly while not in a vehicle going forty miles an hour is much better for my body. I'm thinking of my health, here, Sandburg."

"Okay." Blair chuckled. "I'll take all the help I can get. Thanks."

"No problem." Rafe replied, pulling up an extra chair. After only a few minutes of working in the crowded space, Blair halted the proceedings.

"I think the conference room is empty. Let's take this in there. It'll be quieter and we can stop elbowing each other every five seconds."

Rafe readily agreed and the pair gathered everything up and moved to the larger space, though some tiny part of him whispered that the forced closeness was much more enjoyable. He dropped a mental anvil on the voice and it shut up, but he knew the reprieve was only temporary.

NINETY MINUTES LATER:

Jim entered the bullpen just before eight o'clock, scanning the room for Blair. When he found no sign of him, he tuned out the other heartbeats a few at a time until he was able to home in on his Guide's unique pulse. Just as he was heading for the conference room to confront Blair about his stealthy departure from the loft that morning, he felt a restraining hand wrapped around his bicep.

"Simon...."

"Leave him be, Jim. He's working through the last of that Leaning Tower of Paperwork you left him."

Turning his head slightly, Jim listened more closely.

"He's not alone."

"Rafe agreed to help."

Ellison pulled away again, but Simon hung on.

"No. You've got your own work to do. The Garner case still needs the I's dotted and the T's crossed."

"I have to talk to Blair first. He snuck out this morning without so much as a word..."

"I know. He told me."

Jim was now the one raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah? What'd he say?"

"If he wants you to find out, he'll tell you himself. For now, you see to your assignment and let him finish his in peace. Understood?"

"Understood, sir."

"Good. Get to it."

Reluctantly, Jim sat down at his own desk and pulled out the file on the death of Melanie Garner. A few minutes later, Megan Connor strolled in, set her things down at her desk and cautiously walked over to Jim. Grabbing the extra chair Rafe had left behind, she brought it close, turned it backwards and dropped fluidly into it, arms crossed on the backrest. She then gazed at Jim until he finally grunted and met her eyes.

"Yes?"

"Melanie... seeing her that way had to be horrible. I'm sorry."

"Sorry doesn't bring her back."

Ever intuitive, Megan picked up on what she thought Jim was really saying and responded to that instead of his words.

"No, it won't, but neither will all this guilt. You didn't make any mistakes, here, Jim. There was nothing you could've done differently."

"You don't know that..."

"You got the bastard, Ellison. He won't be hurting his son the way he did his daughter."

"The kid had to look at his dead, half naked little sister and by now he knows his dad was responsible. The damage is done. I haven't been able to touch base with you since you interviewed the mother. Did she come out with anything significant?"

Megan stared at him a few seconds longer, but eventually gave in to his determination to change the subject.

"Only that she'd been begging him to raise the bed off the floor so she'd have some storage space under it. That's why it didn't seem strange to her that suddenly there was this wooden box there. She was going to start moving winter clothes into the space this weekend."

"Can't help but wonder how he would've handled that."

"Yeh. Would he have tried to stall his wife or relocated his supposedly missing daughter instead?"

"Thank God it's not my job to speculate. I just wanna get this over and put it behind me."

"You're not the only one." Megan told him quietly, rising and flipping the chair back around. Jim didn't receive the comment half as calmly as Connor delivered it. Glaring furiously at her, he growled a response.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"In case you haven't noticed, Jimbo, you're about to drive poor Sandy 'round the bend. You're making him tread on broken glass and he's getting sliced to ribbons. He feels like he can't do a damn thing right."

"He's thin-skinned. I can't spend all my time worrying if every word I say is hurting his feelings."

"Granted, but it might be nice if you'd give it more than ten seconds."

"Look...."

"I know, I shouldn't stick my nose in where it hasn't been invited, but you know damn well he's not likely to say anything on his own behalf where you're concerned. When it comes to you, he inspires the rest of us to speak up for him.... when it's needed."

Jim leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes, his stone-hard expression dissolving.

"Megan.... you don't understand. Noone does.... not even me."

Claiming the extra chair once again, she answered gently, thinking to draw him out just a little. She had almost no hope he would respond, but she felt the need to try.

"It isn't all about the case, is it?"

"No.... God, no...."

"What is it, then? C'mon, Jim. I know this is pulling teeth for you, but just once, trust somebody...."

"I trust Blair. I trust him with my life, my mind, my...."

Grimacing, Jim censored himself, kicking away from his desk and turning his chair half away from Megan's line of sight. Regardless of his need for self-control, she intuited the words he didn't know how to give voice to.

"I see. It's your heart and soul you won't give away."

"No... no, he has those too. He just doesn't know it..."

"For God's sake, why not?"

"I can't. Never again. You weren't here when my ex was still around, but.... that was a great relationship to start with too. Then just when I felt like it couldn't get any better, it... blew up. The whole thing crumbled. I was left choking on the dust, counting my bruises and wondering what the hell happened to my life. I won't do that to myself or anybody else a second time."

Behind him, Megan snorted in surprise and chuckled darkly.

"Lord, Ellison.... I knew you had an ego and more than your share of pride, but your arrogant streak is worse than I thought."

Jim whipped his chair back around to face Connor, flames leaping in his eyes.

"Come again?"

"No break-up is ever the fault of only one person. Whatever happened, it wasn't just you that caused it and it's conceit of the highest order to think it was."

"You know nothing about my marriage or what I did to make it cave in...."

"You're right about that. What I do know is... if you can't tell Sandy how you feel you'll lose him to somebody who can."

"No. No way. He'd never leave me to handle the Sentinel thing on my own."

"There's that arrogance and over-confidence again. Not too pretty to look at...."

"Enough with the insults, Connor! What is it you want from me?!"

"Me? I don't want anything. It's Sandy you should be asking that question of. You need to stop being a horse's ass, Detective, or you'll turn 'round one day and realize he's gone for good, and this time... it will be all your damned fault." she warned him, slapping him soundly in the back of the head as she walked away.

Jim cradled his skull and watched her storm back to her own desk and throw herself angrily into her chair. After a minute or two, he managed to convince himself she didn't have the slightest clue what she was talking about and returned to the file he'd opened, but not begun proof-reading, when Megan had approached.

12:30

Jim finally turned the last page in the Garner file to its blank side and closed the folder, finishing his task. Bending his head forward he carefully massaged the back of his neck, which was aching from so many hours of reading. His migraine from two days previous still lingered faintly, but was nowhere near as crippling as it had seemed that day at the crime scene.

Glancing at his watch, he realized it was past lunchtime and decided to go find Blair and start the inevitable damage control. As he stood and stretched to loosen his tight shoulders, he did another search for Blair's heartbeat, but this time he didn't find it anywhere in the bullpen. Confused, he checked the conference room he knew his partner had been working in earlier, but neither he nor Rafe were there. Jim caught Henri as he walked by and questioned him.

"You seen Blair?"

"Yeah. He and Rafe left about an hour ago. They said something about having lunch and catching a Shakespeare play in the park."

"What? He didn't even talk to me before he just took off? What the hell is going on with him today!"

"You."

"Oh, for God's sake...."

"Hey, we all get why you've been a T-Rex the last week or so. The Garner case... it's the kind none of us wants to get handed. Thing is, we can deal with you growlin' and keepin' the rest of us at a distance 'cause we don't have to go home with you. I know you'll get past this, Jim, you always do, but 'till then, I wouldn't trade places with Sandburg if you offered me lifetime season tickets to the Jags and a brand new Ferrari Testarosa." H responded dryly before walking off. Jim watched him go with his mouth hanging slightly open then slammed his hand into the wall and snarled. When he turned to head for the elevator, He found Simon in his way.

"Just where do you think you're going? As if I didn't know...."

"I need to find him so we can straighten things out, Simon."

"Not right this minute you don't."

"He's pissed at me, Simon. It won't wait...."

"When he left he was laughing and relaxed for the first time in two weeks, Ellison. Even if I didn't have a new case for you, I wouldn't let you go chasing after him and screwing up his afternoon. You can start mending fences when you see him at home tonight. For now...."

Simon held out the new case file to Jim and gave him the patented 'They don't call me Captain 'cause I look great in navy blue' stare. Jim glared back at him, but he also snatched the file. Banks grinned. "Good man. Take a look at that then get out to the scene. They'll fill in the blanks."

CHAPTER 3:

Snow in July
(Gordon Kennedy/Wayne Kirkpatrick/Mike More/Andrew Logan)

A.N. : The lyrics here apply to Blair and Jim, not Blair and Rafe.

Love was burning like the summer
We were lost in one another
Holding on, holding on.
We could not escape the heat.
Love was dangerous but sweet
And it was strong.

Now you're talkin' 'bout your freedom
What is that you say?
You suddenly declare to me
Your independence day.

Caught me by surprise
Fire turning to ice
Well it ain't even cold, baby,
How could it snow in July....

.... Now I should've brought my sweater For a chill is in the air.
There's a sudden change of weather
For which I am not prepared....

5:30 THAT AFTERNOON

"Man, that was fantastic!" Blair exclaimed as Rafe eased his car back into its parking space in the police garage. "The magazine article was so right. The actors were absolutely amazing! The guy playing Iago.... I got goose bumps every time he walked on stage!"

"I know. It was pretty spectacular. I'm glad you had a good time."

"I really did. Thanks for introducing me to that new Chilean place, by the way. The food was everything you promised. Actually, thanks for the whole day. You just... you made it all better for a while and I so needed that. I don't know how you managed it, but.... I owe you."

"You don't. Spending time with someone who can hold up their end of a conversation without once bringing up "Friends" or "Monday Night Football".... that's a rarity. I got as much out of this day as you did, so trust me... we're even."

Blair flushed deeply, but recovered in moments.

"You wouldn't... I mean, they're doing Two Gentlemen Of Verona next week. You wouldn't wanna..."

"Yeah.... yeah, sure I would. What afternoon do you have free?"

"I'm swamped all week. How about Saturday? That way you don't have to face Simon and ask for more time off." Blair reminded him, breaking out in an utterly enchanting smile that had Rafe's internal organs doing pirouettes and wrestling moves all over again.

"Not that I'd get it even if I had the guts to ask. Saturday it is. Are you working tomorrow?"

"Nah. Classes all morning and office hours after lunch."

"So... I'll see you Saturday, then."

"Yeah. I can't wait for next weekend! Thanks again for today. It was perfect." Blair said, pulling his friend into a quick embrace before he bounded from the car and jogged away to retrieve his own vehicle. Stunned into immobility, it was several minutes before Rafe could collect his senses. Slowly, he made himself go through the motions of getting the key in the ignition and turning it, but he didn't leave the garage until he was certain the mile-wide grin on his face had been tempered and subdued.

THE LOFT: 30 MINUTES LATER

Blair flew into the loft, his spirits still gliding through rarified air on the powerful updraft Rafe had gifted him with. Slipping his backpack off his shoulder, he resisted, barely, the urge to do the Electric Slide across the kitchen and moon-walked to his room instead, dropping his bag and his jacket there before coming out to find something fast and easy for dinner. While he contemplated, he grabbed a one-liter bottle of Vanilla Coke from a half-empty pack in the fridge, nimbly twisted off the cap and flicked it into the trash. He then began casually perusing dishes of leftovers, humming between sips.

Jim finally appeared from his bedroom just as Blair emerged from the refrigerator holding a plate with the remains of last night's spinach and mushroom casserole. When he heard Ellison's footsteps, the younger man's exultant mood evaporated. Blair hesitated, gripping the dish tightly, then carefully set it on the counter. Two weeks of capricious, volatile behavior from Jim had left Sandburg uncertain what might set his partner off, so he simply stood, avoiding eye contact, unwilling to say or do anything likely to touch the match to Jim's increasingly shorter fuse. To his surprise, Jim spoke first, his tone quiet and guarded.

"You mind if we share that?" he asked, nodding at the plate.

"Huh? No.... no, I'm fine with that. There's more than enough here for both of us." Blair responded, turning and reaching up and behind him to grab Jim a plate. He then busied himself with getting the casserole into the microwave and pushing buttons. Jim watched intently, trying not to look like every ounce of his attention was focused on his young roommate.

"You have fun today?" he said neutrally, though inside he felt anything but nonchalant. When Blair's face lit up like a neon sign, it only made Jim's stomach churn more violently, but he still kept his real feelings strictly internal.

"Yeah. It was great, actually.... how did you know?"

"I went looking for you around twelve-thirty.... I wanted to clear the air between us, but H said you and Rafe had already left. Something about lunch and Shakespeare...."

"Right. It was amazing.... really a terrific afternoon. I... I'm really sorry about not talking to you before we left. Bri tried to tell me that no matter what you and I had said to each other, just walking out was disrespectful, but...."

"Bri?" Jim interrupted, the barest touch of annoyance and confusion now showing on his face. "Since when is he Bri?"

Blair tensed, sensing Jim's mood shift, and quickly explained.

"Oh.... yeah. Without thinking I called him that at lunch and he didn't object. He even said he liked it. I got used to it and... it seems natural now."

The microwave bell sounded, heading off what might have been a build-up to another fight and Blair exhaled a quiet sigh of relief. Within a minute or two he had the re-heated casserole divided between the two plates. Grabbing silver and napkins he set the table and the two men sat down to eat.

An hour later there was nothing left but scraps of melted cheese on either dish. The conversation hadn't been exactly personal, but it also hadn't become angry or threatening, so Blair's heart was hovering somewhere between relieved and content. Jim was fairly relaxed and praying it would last at least until both of them went to bed. He had been sleeping only three or four hours a night since being assigned to the Garner case and he was more than ready to get back to normal.

"So, what play did he... what play were they putting on down at the park?"

"Othello. It's one of my favorites."

"Yeah? Mine too."

"Tied for the top with Hamlet, right?" Blair suggested, getting up to bring their dishes and utensils to the sink.

"Yeah. How do you know that?"

"Othello and Hamlet are both murder mysteries. It's only natural they'd appeal to someone with a detective's way of looking at the world."

"Yeah.... makes sense. Where'd you go for lunch?" Jim asked, shaking his head slightly in confusion. He wasn't sure why he was pushing for details about Blair's afternoon when he knew full well the knowledge would only disturb him and foster the embryonic dark emotion within him that he had so far refused to call by its proper name; jealousy.

"This new Chilean restaurant down by the water. You should really check it out sometime. The prices were reasonable and the food.... totally authentic." He replied as he strolled back to the table, drying his hands on a dishtowel. Jim suddenly found himself staring at the dusting of hair that covered the back of Blair's left hand. Megan's voice echoed in his head,

< ... if you can't tell Sandy how you feel you'll lose him.... >

and Jim understood the truth of her words, but whether he had the strength to act on that truth remained to be seen. Numbly he reached out to touch Blair's wrist, but stopped less than an inch away, unable to force his fingers to complete the circuit. Gazing up into Blair's anxious, eager, hopeful expression, Jim was shaken by a memory of Carolyn on their wedding day, her eyes brimming with tears and her face beaming those same emotions up at him. His courage faltering, he stood and backed away, retreating from Sandburg and whatever promise the moment might have held. Blair's expression darkened and he swore under his breath as one more attempt at connection went down in flames.

"Jim... God, I've tried to sit back.... I've tried to be patient, but I'm going crazy..."

"I know. It's not.... it's my issues, my shit.... gimme a break here, I'm trying... "

"I've seen that. You get the points.... A- for effort. Just... you gotta know I can't keep doing this. I'm still hangin' on, but my fingernails are gettin' pretty damn bloody, man. It feels like you've been playing one step forward, two steps back for weeks now..... and it's really starting to suck, ya know?"

"I get it.... I can't explain.... if I tried it'd just come out sounding like a lame excuse...."

"A lame excuse is better than none at all."

Jim opened his mouth, but nothing came out. Furious, both at himself for not speaking up when given a clear invitation and, irrationally, at Blair for finally forcing the issue, Jim scowled blackly, turned and headed for the stairs. When Sandburg spoke again, the older man stopped and listened, but didn't turn back to face his roommate. "You understand what's going on with Rafe, right? I mean, I think maybe I could have something really good with him.... and if your issues mean you and I are never going anywhere, I need to know... soon. I'll give you another few days, Jim, but.... you need to make up your mind what you want."

"So if I decide I can't handle how I feel about you... you're moving out."

"No. Moving on. I'm your friend and I'll always be your Guide. Nothing but death will ever break that bond, but we both deserve to be happy, Jim, and right now.... all we're doing is making each other miserable."

Jim's shoulders tightened and he continued up the stairs without saying anything more.

MONDAY LUNCHTIME:

Jim sat at his desk, working hard to control his temper. He and Blair had strictly avoided each other all weekend, barely speaking a word when they had to be in the loft together, and that morning Blair had, once again, left before Jim's alarm rang. The unaccustomed silence and the strain between the pair already had the ex-Ranger on edge, but watching and listening to Joel and Rafe discuss the younger man's potential new relationship was putting him very close to a boil-over. Thankfully, a quiet, but undeniable command from his captain distracted him and pulled Jim back from the cliff. Turning his head, he found Simon Banks standing just behind him.

"Ellison! Get your ass in my office before you hurt somebody!"

"I'm fine, Simon. Under control...."

"Did you hear me, detective? I said move!"

Grudgingly, Jim rose and followed. On entering the office, he thought about sitting, but one look in Simon's eyes told him standing at attention was the more prudent course. "First; I can read every thought in your head, and violence against another cop will not be tolerated in my squad-room or anywhere else in this building. If I see any marks on Detective Rafe, if I even hear that somebody flicked him in the nose, I'll know who did it and leniency will not be my watchword! Understood?"

"Yes, sir, but...."

"Ahhh! Not 'till I'm done. As long as they aren't playing footsie on city property, Rafe and Blair are free to do whatever the hell they want, when and wherever they care to do it. Not having the cajones to step up to your partner and speak your mind does not give you an excuse to sucker-punch the man who did and, on penalty of suspension, you will not surrender to that impulse!"

"I understand, sir."

"Good. Second; you will be taking three days off, starting five minutes ago."

"Simon...."

"Non-negotiable. I know how hard the Garner case hit you, Jim. We all do." Simon explained, his tone softening. "Between that and whatever's going on between you and Sandburg.... you need to step back, cool off and clear your head. Agreed?"

"Agreed. Can I speak now?"

"Of course."

"I was only objecting because.... Blair gave me an ultimatum Friday night. He gave me some time to think and make up my mind what I want, but while I'm thinking we're not speaking... or looking at each other. Not having anything to do for three straight days.... I'll lose it, sir and he'll be the one who gets hurt."

"Then get out of town. Go camping, do some fishing.... just be somewhere quiet where Rafe and Blair aren't always in your face and you can screw your head back on straight in private."

"Yeah... maybe."

"Whatever you do, I don't want to see you here for the next seventy-two hours."

"Got it. Can I go now?"

"Excellent idea. Jim...."

"What?"

"You really did good work on the girl's case. You gave her justice and saved Christopher from years of torture at that SOB's hands. I know you have a lot to work through during the next few days.... but make sure that gets in there somewhere too, hmm?"

"I'll try. See you Friday."

"Friday. Good luck, Jim."

Ellison grunted noncommittally and trudged out. As he passed Rafe's desk on the way out, he turned his head, averting his gaze and potential disaster.

THE LOFT: THAT NIGHT

"Leaving? What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means I pack my camping gear, stow it in the truck, get in the driver's seat, put the key in the ignition...."

"Not funny, Jim."

"I didn't say it was, did I?"

"Damn it..."

"Look, I'm playin' Simon says here, okay? He caught me.... making faces and told me to take three days personal time."

It took Blair a minute, but he figured out Jim's cryptic reference.

"Faces, huh? You were giving Brian the evil eye, weren't you?"

"Probably. Simon seemed to think so. And before you say it, I already got the speech. If I even spit on Rafe's shoes, my ass is grass."

"Damn right." Blair agreed vehemently. "Three days off doesn't mean you have to leave. Why?"

"I also told him we weren't talking at the moment and if I had to sit around here watching TV the whole time I'd go nuts. He suggested hitting the mountains for some fish and silence and it sounded like a good idea." Jim replied as he finished securing his hiking pack, rose out of a crouch and faced Blair. "Chief.... I'm not running away from you or the choice I have to make. I just think that if I... clear my head a little the decision is gonna be easier. The tension between us is so bad I... I can't focus on anything."

"Jim...."

"I'm not taking my cell, so if anyone calls I'm out of touch 'till late Thursday night. See you Friday morning for breakfast, okay?"

Jim grabbed his pack in one hand and a large cooler in the other and walked out of the loft. Blair stared after him, lips tight and face suffused with anger and pain. Only minutes after Jim had driven away, Blair suddenly came to a heart-breaking conclusion. Grabbing his keys, he strode out the door as well, leaving the space empty, echoing and dark.

40 MINUTES LATER:

"Blair? What is it? You look about ready to chew up rocks and spit sand."

"I am, sort of. Can I...." Blair asked, gesturing toward the interior of Rafe's apartment. The other man nodded and moved aside to allow Sandburg to enter.

"What happened?"

"He's gone. He just... took off. Said Simon forced it on him."

Rafe thought about the chilling looks Jim had been throwing him all day and did the math.

"Oh. That's what the little private conference was about. Where did he go?"

"Camping. Needed to clear his head, he says.... I know what he meant. He wants time away from me.... time alone so he can convince himself it never would have worked out anyway. Cowardly bastard."

"Blair.... c'mon. That's harsh, my man. You know how Jim thinks of you."

"Yeah, like a pesky little brother playing tag-along. He does his best to keep me out of his business, but he has to protect me 'cause if he let me get hurt Daddy Simon would whip his ass...." Sandburg gritted out, pacing.

Rafe pulled the young man around by the shoulders and held him still.

"Blair, stop for a minute and listen. We don't feel that way and neither does Jim. He cares about you...."

"But he doesn't love me. He's afraid to and I don't know if he'll ever get over that fear."

"You want him to, though." Rafe intuited, making a powerful effort to keep his face and voice neutral. If Blair gave him the answer he longed to hear, he wanted no doubt on either side that his own desires and emotions had not nudged Sandburg to respond one way or the other.

"I did. Now.... I think all I want is for both of us to be happy. Giving up on anything happening between us.... it'll take the pressure off him and free me up to make a fresh start with somebody who wants me and can say it to my face."

Rafe fought against the smile that badly wanted to curl his lips in response to the one Blair was beaming at him. His heart was racing and about to burst with joy, but his insecurity chimed in, telling him to be absolutely sure before he showed his happiness and relief openly.

"And that somebody would be...."

"I hope it'll be you." Blair answered quietly, reaching up to run his fingers tentatively down Rafe's face. "I got this feeling Friday like... we could be so good...."

Gently, Rafe drew Blair into his arms while releasing a shaky sigh and finally showing the grin he'd suppressed.

"I agree. You've got something to do first, though." he told the younger man, already feeling warm moisture soaking into his shoulder.

"What?"

"Grieve your loss."

"I can't grieve something I never had."

"You already are, Blair. That's what the tears are about. It doesn't matter whether it turned into a real relationship or not. You invested your heart and soul into dreaming it would. Letting those dreams go hurts just as much as if the love went both ways...."

"God.... I hate crying.... I feel like such a wuss...."

Guiding Sandburg to the couch, Rafe sat down beside him, cradling the other's head with one hand.

"You're not. Only repressed, traumatized men don't cry, Blair. They get hurt and decide shutting down every emotion is the only way to stop it from happening again. Trouble is, there's one emotion you can't turn off and that's the one that ends up getting them in trouble every time."

"Anger."

"Exactly."

"You're talking about Jim."

"Not just Jim.... but yeah. I was a textbook case until a few years ago."

"What changed?" Blair asked, raising his head and swiping at the wetness on his face. Rafe grabbed a tissue from a box on the coffee table and gazed intently into Blair's eyes as he passed it over.

"I realized I was gay."

Rafe released another happy sigh when Sandburg didn't flinch. In fact, he grinned crookedly as he dried his tears.

"Me.... I've known for a long while. Since I started college, I guess."

Rafe laughed.

"My man, you have one of the smoothest cover routines I have ever seen. You're a master."

"I started school at 16. Being that young, and having to hold my own against students three and four years older than I was, I had enough problems to deal with. Once the truth hit me, I just avoided any dating or partying at all until I'd had time to watch how the obviously straight guys did things. I'm smart... it didn't take long to learn their moves. Then I got into post-grad stuff and teaching.... I decided I couldn't risk even trying to be true to myself."

Stunned at the implications of Blair's words, Rafe had to swallow before he could ask his next questions.

"So you've made love.... how many times?"

"Twice with women, before I understood who I am. With guys.... never."

"So... why step up now? You're still teaching."

"It's time. I mean... I call Jim a coward for not opening up to me, but I'm still hiding in the farthest corner of a walk-in closet. I also know something I didn't when I was younger. Without definitive proof of sexual misconduct, they can't take anything away from me at school or the administration risks a lawsuit the likes of which Washington State has never seen."

"Makes sense. Okay... now for the big one...."

"Why you? You're smart, you're gorgeous, you like some of the same things I do and you had the balls to approach me when I know it must've been nerve-wracking in the extreme. More reasons are bound to show up down the line... but that's a really good start, isn't it?"

Abruptly, Rafe found himself smiling ear-to-ear and shaking with the release of his anxiety. The hand in Blair's curls slid down until that arm was wrapped around the young man's shoulders.

"Yeah... it's a fantastic start."

Leaning in ever so slowly, Rafe placed a soft, brief kiss on each of Blair's eyebrows. To his surprise, he felt Blair relaxing instead of tensing and decided it was safe to ask a potentially evening-breaking question. "Blair.... you do know I won't be pissed if you decide you need to leave, right?"

"I know."

The kisses now moved to his temples and cheeks.

"And?"

"I... I wanna stay. The loft is empty.... lonely. I won't sleep if I go back there tonight."

"You may not sleep if you stay here, either.... not for a while anyway."

"I know that too."

"An empty, lonely apartment isn't enough reason for me to say yes, Blair. I need to know....." he insisted, finally dropping a lingering kiss on Sandburg's lips, "that you understand what you're getting into.... and you're ready for me to make love to you."

"I understand and I'm more than ready. I told you I'm not a virgin...."

Rafe gripped Blair's chin firmly and held his gaze with fiery intensity.

"Yes you are. Two sessions of underage sex with females followed by 12 plus years of abstinence add up to virgin."

"Okay. I'll concede that. It doesn't change the fact that this virgin is way beyond the age of consent. I know what I want, Rafe."

"Tell me, then."

"I want you to teach me.... show me everything. I want more of your kisses... your touch.... "

Cautiously, knowing Blair could still spook and bolt if he went too fast, Rafe slid one hand down into the younger man's lap and sought out his erection.

"You're hard.... you okay with that? With the idea of it being for me.... because of me?" Rafe whispered, touching Blair's lips with his own one more time.

Blair tossed him a shaky grin and let his eyes drift half closed.

"Ummm.... I have no problem with that concept...."

"Okay... let's get this straight so there are no misunderstandings later. You'd be good with me stripping all your clothes off.... wrapping my hand around your leaking cock.... and fisting you until you come. Is that right?"

Blair gasped quietly at Rafe's bluntness, but his shock never came close to changing his mind.

"Again, I have no problem with that concept."

Taking Blair's hands, Rafe rose from the couch, bringing the other man to his feet at the same time.

"As long as we understand each other." he teased.

Blair shook his head slightly in confusion, then chuckled when he caught on.

"Damn... I forgot you're the verbal chess master. I'm gonna have to watch myself around you, aren't I?"

"Hey, good idea. I'll have the mirror installed over the bed tomorrow...." he replied, releasing one of Blair's hands and moving toward the bedroom. Sandburg laughed at the joke and walked willingly beside him, though he'd begun to shiver even more powerfully. Rafe felt it and stopped, but Blair reassured him.

"Don't. It's anticipation, not fear. Mostly..."

"It's okay. Tonight is slow and easy. Nothing you aren't ready for, I promise."

"And... who decides what I'm ready for?"

"As the experienced partner, I do. For the moment anyway." Rafe told him, shutting the door behind them and dialing the dimmer on the lights to a little below half power. "I'd never forgive myself if you end up regretting this night, Blair. We have weeks and months and years ahead of us to explore.... at least I hope we will. Let me lead this first time."

"Okay. I trust you. What you say goes. Now.... about that stripping my clothes off thing..."

"Right..." Rafe replied, a wicked grin taking over his face as his own anticipation kicked in. Over several minutes, he unbuttoned and removed first Blair's layered shirts, then his shoes and socks and finally his khakis and briefs. When the process was complete, he stepped back and whistled softly in appreciation.

"Anyone ever calls you skinny again, I just may wash their lying mouth out with soap. God, you're beautiful, Blair... head to toe."

"Yeah.... I'm really not."

Frowning slightly, Rafe stepped back in and captured Blair's gaze.

"I thought you said you trusted me. What I say goes, remember? I say you're beautiful."

The warmth radiating off Brian drew a deep flush up from Blair's collarbone to his hairline and the younger man produced another dazzling, if dubious, smile.

"If you say so. I don't see it."

"Then let me show you." Brian countered, leading Blair to the bed. "Go on, stretch out. Close your eyes and think about all the things we can do.... all the places I can touch you. I really hope you're as vocal in bed as you are everywhere else. Can't wait to hear the different sounds you'll make for me, Blair...."

Obediently, Blair shut out the world and slipped into his imagination, but the trip didn't last long as every image made him harder and the accompanying ache distracted him. Within a minute or two, however, Rafe had shed his own clothes and joined Sandburg in the center of the bed. Knowing Blair needed relief quickly, he fulfilled his promise and the young man's initial orgasm was thanks to the tight circle of Brian's fist. His second came half an hour later, due to the simple friction of their cocks slithering and gliding against each other while their tongues performed a similar dance and this time Brian came with him. After taking some time for recovery and closeness, Rafe took Blair into his mouth and brought him to another crashing, roaring orgasm, and again, they came together.

Crawling back up so that he was face to face with Blair, Brian kissed him softly and collapsed beside him, breathing deeply.

"Bri.... you.... wow." Blair attempted, a little winded himself.

"All breathless praise.... gratefully accepted. God.... you're even more gorgeous now. Sweaty and flushed.... you taste clean.... like ocean water." Brian whispered, mapping Blair's face with soothing kisses and licks. "The only thing that'll make it better is when I find my way inside you.... first my tongue, then my fingers, then my cock.... you'll never be sorry.... I'll make it so good...."

Taking inventory, Blair realized he was moments from dropping into a bottomless sleep pit and sought to reassure Rafe.

"Look.... I hope you... it's not that I don't.... I want you, too, it's just.... you kinda wore me out, here...."

"God, Blair, I'm sorry. I didn't mean.... I just got carried away. You can relax. I wasn't intending to take you that far tonight. As a matter of fact, I was trying to wear you out. Hopefully, we will make love someday, but even if I wanted to, and even as young and pretty as you are, I don't think either of has enough in the tank for another round right now. Let's go get cleaned up. Trust, me, you don't want to sleep this way."

Blair sighed happily and grinned at Rafe.

"You don't mind if I stay? Seriously?"

"Of course not. C'mon. Just a few more minutes and we can both conk out." Rafe replied. Urging Blair to stand, he led the weary young man into the bathroom and took a warm washcloth and towel to the relevant areas on both of them. Fifteen minutes later, they were curled up close to each other, sound asleep.

CHAPTER 4:
White Flag
(Gordon Kennedy/Wayne Kirkpatrick)

I say black, you say white
I say day, you call it a night
What's wrong with this scene?
What does this mean?

Set me up, shoot me down
I'm wounded on this battleground
It's time, for sure, for ending this war 'Cause my heart can't take anymore

Sendin' up, sendin' up, sendin' up a white flag Love won't have a chance if all we do is just fight about it Sendin' up, sendin up, sendin' up a white flag Damn these circumstance
Love is headed for a fall
So before we lose it all, oh baby
I'm sendin' up a white flag

Place no blame, what's the use
Lay these weapons down and call a truce Can't we (can't we) work it out (work it out) 'Cause I love you baby, ain't no doubt
Isn't that what love is about....

8:00 A.M.THE FOLLOWING MORNING: MAJOR CRIMES

Standing outside Simon Banks office, Blair breathed deeply and slowly, trying to prepare and calm himself, but he eventually realized nothing was going to make it any easier. While driving back to the loft just after dawn that morning, he'd made a difficult decision, but one he understood had been coming for a while. After one more deep breath, he knocked on the half open door.

"Sandburg? Hey, I thought you had classes all week."

"I do. At nine, actually, so I can't stay. I just... wanted to drop this off. I thought about keeping it, just to remind me, but it belongs to the department, so.... here." he explained, tossing his observer's ID badge on Simon's desk. When the captain saw what it was, he stood up with it in his hand and waved it at Blair.

"What the hell.... What is this supposed to mean, Sandburg?!"

"Exactly what it looks like."

"It looks like you're quitting."

"Good. Nail, head.... all that stuff. I gotta go."

"Sandburg, halt!"

"Don't, Simon, okay? Just don't."

"Damn it, Blair, you know how much he.... how much all of us depend on you. I don't say it often enough, but you're an incredible investigator. Don't deprive the PD of your amazing mind just because Jim's giving you a hard time right now."

"It's a lot more than that and you know it. Rafe and Jim were friends and they could be again. I don't wanna be the wedge that splits them apart for good so.... out of sight, etc. right? Besides I've been letting school slide. I need to put all my focus there for a while. I'll come back Monday and say my good-byes, if that's okay. I just don't have the time right now...."

"Yeah. Yeah, that's fine."

"See you, Simon."

"I better."

"Bye."

As Blair walked through the bullpen, headed for the elevators, Joel called to him.

"Blair! Hey, I thought you were outta here all week."

"I am. Just stopped in for a minute, had something to drop off."

"Oh. Wait, where's your ID? You didn't lose it again, did you? Simon'll be ticked if you have."

Blair smiled, took a steadying breath and responded as he walked backwards.

"Nah. It's not lost. I'll explain everything when I see you Monday. Take care of yourself, man, okay?"

"Yeah. You too, short an' curly." Joel replied, chuckling to himself.

As the elevator doors closed in front of him, Blair was crying again, wondering how he'd ever face the loss of some of the greatest friendships in his young life, but by the time the doors slid apart again, he had it under control and noone watching him walk to his car would have known anything was wrong.

1:00 A.M. : THURS. NIGHT/ FRIDAY MORNING

Half asleep, Jim slipped into the loft and laid his bags gently on the floor. He tugged his boots off carefully and set them aside, trying to be considerate to his roommate, who he assumed was long asleep. When he snuck over to the half open door of Blair's room for a quick peek, however, his assumption was proved wrong. The bed was neatly made and Blair was nowhere to be found.

"It's way past midnight! Where the hell could he be this late?!"

Jim had just turned around, intending to shove his boots back on and start a search, when the mystery was solved in the person of his anything but missing, thoroughly inebriated partner, stumbling over a non-existent obstacle and into the loft.

"Whoops.... gotta do something about that invisible door-mat, Jim. I... I coulda been hurt. Coulda fallen right on my cute little face an' smushed my cute little nose..." he chuckled, falling into Ellison instead, who pushed the younger man away a little with an expression of nausea for the breath directed into his face.

"You're bombed, Chief..."

"Yeah, I know.... it feels great! I love tequila.... the nachos an' the enchiladas were awesome too.... but the margaritas were just the best!"

"You won't think they're so terrific when they're traveling in the other direction tomorrow. Let's get you to bed...." he suggested, dragging Blair toward his room.

"I had such a great time tonight.... Bri just knows the best resh... restra... places to eat. And the best clubs too... that's where we had the marg'ritas.... man, can he dance.... I mean Bri, not th' drink.... drinks can't dance.... it did kinda... slosh inside me, though.... I think the sloshing... is what got me so sloshed...." Blair giggled as Jim dropped him unceremoniously on his futon. Grinning ear to ear, the younger man fell back, closed his eyes and began to sing, quietly and faintly off-key. "....' When my baby.... when my baby smiles at me I go to Rio.... De Janeiro...' I love that song.... he kissed me in the middle of it.... loved that more.... man, can he kiss...."

Jim suddenly stiffened, turned and left the room. Blair, nearly unconscious by that point, was beyond noticing or caring and simply continued to sing and mumble as the other man exited.

Ellison wandered back out into the loft, grabbed his pack and took it to the couch, where he began pulling items out. He worked for two more hours separating dirty laundry from clean clothes and setting aside things that needed to be put away in closets or replaced in their joint storage locker in the basement. All the while, images of Blair and Rafe together kept finding their way into his thoughts, no matter how hard he tried to stay focused on the task in front of him. Furious at himself, he paused, elbows on his knees and his head in his hands.

*God.... I wish I could hate him, but it's not possible. It's not his fault. I didn't give him much choice. He's been waiting on me to grow a pair and he just finally got sick of it. Rafe's a good guy, handsome, solid.... I can't blame Sandburg for taking the offer, but... where the hell does that leave me? *

Realizing he was on the verge of screaming and throwing things against the walls, Jim forced himself to calm down. Turning back to his half empty pack, he pushed on until he was so tired that his vision and hearing became wavery and unreliable, forcing him up the stairs and into bed.

FOLLOWING MORNING: MAJOR CRIMES

"Jim. We need to talk."

"Go ahead."

"Privately."

Frowning, Jim rose and followed Simon into his office. "Close the door."

"You've got your serious face on. What happened?"

"Sit."

"Should I be calling my lawyer?" Jim joked weakly as he dropped into a chair. Simon perched on the edge of his desk, folded his hands and gazed out the window as he spoke.

"Blair stopped by here Tuesday morning before he headed for Rainier. He quit.... just tossed his observer's ID on my desk and walked away."

"He what?! And you didn't do anything to stop him?!"

"What was I supposed to do, Jim, handcuff him to a chair and put him under twenty-four hour guard until you got back? I tried to talk to him, but he wouldn't listen."

"What'd he say?"

"That he wasn't about to be the cause of you and Rafe hating each other. He thinks without him around as a reminder you two could save your friendship. He gave me some bull about focusing on his schoolwork, too, but... I think the other story is the real one."

Jim shook his head, trying to get the shock to let go, but it stuck fast, stubbornly clogging up his mind. He asked the only question he could come up with.

"Damn... does everybody else know?"

"Not yet. He'll be in Monday to say his goodbyes, but as his former partner, I figured you had a right to know ahead of time."

Without warning, Jim jumped up and paced to the window then back to the door.

"Don't use that word! He's not my former anything! He can't just do this to me. I'll talk to him.... get him to see sense.... if I promise him that Rafe and I are okay, he'll come back...."

Simon rose as well and turned Jim to face him.

"The decision Blair wanted you to make.... I don't have to ask which way you jumped, do I?"

Jim hesitated then strode back into the center of the room.

"No. I finally made up my mind, not that it'll do any good."

"What happened?"

"I didn't make it home 'till one this morning. He came in not long after I did.... stinking drunk, laughing and tripping over nothing."

"Drunk? Sandburg?"

"I know. It's not his style... at least it never used to be. He... he mumbled something about being out with Rafe. They went clubbing, had margaritas.... kissed."

"Jim, now I told you whatever they do on their own time is their business..."

"If I don't make it my business I'll lose him, Simon. I can't let that happen."

"You'll lose him faster if you invade his privacy. You don't have a right to be jealous, Jim. Not yet, maybe not ever. So maybe he didn't end up as your soul mate. He's still your best friend. Don't screw that up too."

"I don't intend to. I just.... have to try."

"I don't agree, but when did you ever listen to my opinion? Just be damn careful. You hurt him and the entire bullpen will get together and happily send you to the emergency room."

Jim nodded curtly, turned and left.

THE LOFT: JUST AFTER SUPPER THAT EVENING:

As they stood side by side at the sink, Jim placed a dish in the drainer and looked at Blair with concern.

"You didn't eat much. The hangover still messin' with you?"

"A little. Look.... last night...."

"Forget it."

"So I did act like a jackass...."

"No. You sang, but it wasn't that bad. Almost on key."

"My singing is what kept your mouth shut all through dinner? I mean... you're not a big talker, granted, but usually you can manage more than yes, no and various grunts."

Jim tensed, hung up the dishtowel and walked toward the living room.

"I don't wanna talk about it." he rumbled, dropping onto the couch. Blair followed, but didn't sit.

"Jim.... what'd I say? If it was nasty or insulting...."

"That's not it, okay? You were blind drunk last night. You could've called me every name in the book in four different languages and I wouldn't hold it against you."

"Then what?"

Jim glared at his roommate, rose and paced away from him again, heading for the balcony doors. After a pause for a deep breath, Jim plunged in.

"Friends trust each other. Even if we aren't... anything else, we are still friends, right?"

"Always."

"Then how come, all of a sudden you're spillin' your secrets and pourin' your heart out to everybody but me? It took you gettin' wasted for me to hear that you even know how to dance, never mind that you really enjoy it. I have to find out from Megan that you feel like you're walkin' on eggshells around me and then this morning...."

"Oh, God. Simon told you."

"He thought I had a right to know you quit before the rest of Major Crimes found out on Monday. You were gonna tell me sometime, tonight, weren't you?"

"Yeah.... I just wasn't sure you'd understand... You and Bri have known each other a lot longer than he and I have been friends, Jim. Me being there will just push our relationship in your face all the time and that's not fair to you."

"There's a much easier way to kill the tension between the three of us...."

"Jim, don't go there...."

"It isn't even a relationship yet, not really. All you've done is kiss him...."

"How did you... oh. I gave that up last night, too, huh?"

"Not much came through the babble... but I got that loud and clear. You don't have to leave the department, Blair. A kiss isn't a commitment. You can still...."

Jim stopped abruptly, shock washing over him as he watched color flood Sandburg's cheeks. When Blair broke eye contact, Jim understood that it had gone beyond kisses. "When?"

"Monday night, after you left for the mountains. In spite of what you said, it felt like you were running scared. I was mad and hurt... and disappointed in both of us. I needed somebody to talk to..."

"From the look on your face you did a hell of a lot more than talk." Jim retorted over his shoulder, his tone low and dark. His response transformed Blair's guilt into anger.

"Whoa.... you don't get to play the injured lover here, Jim. When you backed away that Friday night I gave you fair warning...."

"You also gave me time to figure things out."

"True, but I never promised to put Bri on hold in the meantime. He's a good man and he deserves better than that."

"I'll bet he was good." Jim spat, finally turning fully back to face Blair. "How far did you go? I'll bet you weren't together five minutes before you gave it up."

"Jim, stop...."

"Did you at least have the decency to use your room? Nah, futon's too damn small. You didn't do it on the couch, I would've smelled it...."

As he tossed out his poisonous accusations, Jim advanced on Blair. To his credit, the smaller man gave no ground and even maintained his composure, as difficult as it was becoming to do so.

"I'm not going to respond to that because I know you're not thinking clearly right now. You're mad, I get that. I hear what you're saying, but I don't know if you do...."

"Cut the new-age, hippie bull-shit! You let him fuck you in my bed, didn't you? Didn't you?!"

Without warning, Jim's uncommon use of offensive language and the spiteful, revolting allegation that accompanied it combined to push Blair's temper past the point where he had any hope of maintaining control. A growling sob forcing its way out of his chest and through his teeth, Blair lashed out and punched Jim solidly in the jaw, sending the other man reeling back toward the balcony.

Ellison stared at his former partner, his lips compressed into a tight thin line, his expression utterly blank. Slowly, one hand came up to mold itself to the spot where Blair had struck him. In stark contrast, Sandburg's face was anything but impassive. His eyes were round and horrified, his mouth hung open and he clearly wanted to deny the last thirty seconds had ever occurred. Shaking his head he began to back away, unable to see that the blow had jolted Jim out of his unjustified rage.

"Blair...."

"No.... oh, God.... no, no, no...."

"Chief, hold it.... don't leave... we need to talk about this...."

"Talk?! Talk about what?! I just hit you, Jim!"

"I know, but it wasn't exactly unprovoked..."

"That doesn't matter.... I have to get out.... God, I'm so sorry...."

Before Jim could stop him, Blair was gone.

TWO HOURS LATER: SOMEWHERE IN CASCADE

"Bri... I need help... God, I really screwed up... I don't know what to do...." Blair sobbed into the payphone. As he talked, he leaned against the wall of the booth, praying his legs would continue to support him. After running from the loft, he'd wandered aimlessly, seeking out a phone only when he grew so tired he could no longer walk or think.

"Blair, calm down, okay? Take a deep breath, relax and tell me what happened."

"Jim.... he found out about something I did.... I was gonna tell him after dinner but I never got the chance...."

"Something. Like what?"

"I... I quit the department.... gave Simon back my observer's badge."

"Blair... damn."

"I know. I couldn't stand it if you and Jim ended up enemies because of me, but I wasn't about to give you up, so.... I gave up the station instead. I still care about Jim and it was the only fair thing to do...."

"I know, I know. It's okay, we'll discuss your over-active self-sacrifice gene later. Jim found this out and..."

"He... he wanted to know why I hadn't told him... and why I was suddenly talking to everybody but him. I don't even know when we started fighting, but.... he got nasty, I got mad.... I hurt him, Bri.... I didn't mean to...."

"Of course you didn't. Okay, this is important, Blair.... how did you hurt Jim? Do you think he's okay? Do I need to call 911?"

"God, no! I... I punched him.... in the jaw, I think. Then I took off.... I've been walking forever..."

Pulling the receiver an inch or two away from his mouth, Rafe closed his eyes, breathed a sigh of relief then returned to his conversation with Blair.

"Do you know where you are?"

Halfheartedly, Blair gazed around him but nothing was familiar.

"No... I'm clueless. When I left the loft I didn't care where I was going...."

"I understand. What about landmarks?"

"Umm... there's... a bar. The sign's half burned out. It... it used to have a martini glass on it, I think. A pharmacy across the street maybe.... a... a little storefront church, too."

Rafe abruptly tensed up again as he recognized Blair's description of the neighborhood.

"That's good. I've got you pinpointed. I'm on my way, Blair, but I need you to listen really close, okay? It's important that you stay put. You hear me? Don't even shuffle your feet unless someone approaches you. Then, you move like your pants are on fire and your ass is catching. Got it?"

"Yeah... but how will you find me if I have to leave?"

"Don't worry about that right now. Just remember what I said."

"I will. Bri... I'm a little... nervous, and I'm exhausted. Hurry?"

"Already out the door."

CHAPTER 5:

It Don't Matter To The Sun
(Gordon Kennedy/Wayne Kirkpatrick/Tommy Simms)

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

It don't matter to the sun
If you go or if you stay.
I know the sun is gonna rise
Shine down on another day.
There'll still be a tomorrow
Even if you choose to leave,
'Cause it don't matter to the sun (oh baby) But it matters to me

It ain't gonna stop the world
If you walk out that door.
This old world will just keep turnin' 'round Like it did the day before.
'Cause see to them it makes no difference They'll just keep on keepin' time,
'Cause it ain't gonna stop the world
But it'll be the end of mine.

What can I say
What can I do
I'm still in love
So why aren't you...

It don't matter the moon
If you're not in my life.
No the moon will just keep hangin' 'round Like it's just another night.
Find another place to shine on down
On some other lovers dream,
'Cause it don't matter the moon
But it sure do matter to me.
No it don't matter to the moon
But it matters to me....

TWENTY MINUTES LATER

When Rafe pulled up to the phone booth, Blair smiled and began to rise out of a crouch, but his legs proved unsteady. Jumping out, the older man ran to grab his young lover before he could collapse to the ground.

"Whoa.... it's okay. I've got you now. C'mon. I'll help you to the car."

"I can get there on my own. Just... get me up and steady me for a second."

"Don't think so. Put your arm around my shoulder."

When the young man hesitated, Rafe shot him a stern look. "Blair, you're wiped out. Quit playing macho man and let me help."

Too tired to argue, Blair conceded and allowed Rafe to assist him. Once he was safely in the passenger's seat and buckled in, the other man returned to the driver's position and guided the car back into the meager traffic.

"Hang on, okay? I'll have you home before you know it."

"No! Are you crazy? I can't go back to the loft!"

"You have to. Jim must be worried sick by now."

"I'll call him from your place."

"Blair...."

"I'm not ready to face what I did yet. In the morning maybe..."

After a few moments of reflective silence, Rafe asked Blair a question he hoped would pull the worst of the night's events from him.

"Why exactly did you hit him? All you said was you were both mad."

"When I came home from our date Thursday night... actually Friday morning, I guess, I was completely drunk. My mouth got outta my control and I... I told Jim you and I had kissed. Until tonight, that's all he thought we did. He was talkin' about how the best way to fix the tension between the two of you was for me to give you up. He said I didn't have to leave the station, that a kiss isn't a commitment..... I got thinking how far beyond a simple kiss we've gone and it made me blush. He saw it and.... he knew. God, he just.... lost it. He accused me of bringing you back to the loft.... of letting you... make love to me in his bed, and that made me so angry.... I lost my cool too."

"I take it from that pause that ' make love ' wasn't exactly the term he used?"

"No. I think that might've been part of why I hit him. That ugly word coming out of his mouth... directed at me...."

Blair shuddered and wrapped his arms around himself, unable to finish the thought. He pulled into himself slightly and slouched in the seat. Rafe got the message that conversation was done.

"Okay, okay. Take it easy. We'll stop talking about it for now. You can come back to my place for tonight, but I want to stop by the loft, just to reassure myself Jim really is alright." Rafe told him, pulling into a space in front of Jim and Blair's building.

"I don't hit that hard. The most he'll have is a bruise."

"Indulge me, okay? You can stay in the car. I won't be long."

A few minutes later, Rafe was knocking on the loft door.

"Jim? Jim, I know I'm the last person you want to see right now. Just open the door for a second. All I want is to make sure you're okay. Jim... c'mon, man, please..."

After being forced to wait for a worrying stretch of minutes, Rafe was relieved when the door finally swung open. Jim stood before him with a bag of frozen corn held lightly against his face. Rafe hissed softly and winced. "That bad?"

"Not really. I'm trying to keep the bruising to a minimum, that's all."

"Good idea."

Silent, Jim studied Rafe intently, then stepped out of the way, tacitly inviting the other man in. "No, that's okay. I don't have to. Like I said, I only wanted to be absolutely sure Blair was right about where his punch landed. He wasn't sure and a hit to the temple can be dangerous. I'll get going..."

"You know where he is?"

"Yeah."

"That's it? Just yeah?" Jim retorted, his anger once more on the rise. Rafe stepped just over the threshold and held up his hands.

"Hold on, okay? He's safe, but I think that's all he wants you to know for now."

Jim's irritation transmuted instantly into regret.

"I wouldn't hurt him, damn it. He's gotta know that. I was mad.... I got a little aggressive.... but I would never hurt him."

"It's not that. He's mad at himself for losing control and throwing a punch at someone he cares for. He can't face you or his actions yet. Give him the time and space to work it out, okay?"

"Yeah... after what I said... he deserves that." Jim mumbled as he replaced the half-melted bag of veggies with another and tossed the first back in to re-freeze.

"Pardon my opinion, but you're damn right he does."

"How much did he tell you?"

"He was a lot more polite about it than I suspect you were, but I pretty much know everything. How could you say that to him?"

"I told you I was angry. Besides... he admitted it."

"He came to me because you'd left town and he was suddenly faced with giving up a dream he's kept to himself for a long time. He was grieving over you.... he still is. I wasn't about to just turn him away."

"And do all your grieving friends end up in your bed?"

Rafe's eyebrows arced and he gaped momentarily while he regained his composure and tempered his instinctive response, which was fast and dirty retaliation. After a moment, he smiled thinly and shook his head at Jim.

"Wow.... Now I understand why Blair lost his temper. I consider myself a minor control freak and in the face of shit like that.... I wouldn't have held on much longer than he did. Night, Jim."

"Rafe... man, I'm sorry...."

"I'm sure you are, but I still need to go before I put a matching bruise on the other side of your jaw."

"What about Blair?"

"He said to tell you he might call you in the morning."

"Might?"

"It depends on how he feels after he gets some rest. He wandered the streets for nearly two hours after he left here. He ended up down in the Mud-hole district. You know, the section of town where four young men have been murdered in the last month? He's damn lucky I knew where he was just by his description of the buildings."

"The Mud-hole.... he walked all the way out there?"

"That's what he said and I've got no reason to doubt him. The thought of what could have happened to him in that human cesspool should make a nice attitude adjustment for you, Jimmy. Sleep well."

Rafe walked away, leaving a stunned Jim Ellison behind him. When he made it back to the car, Blair was asleep with his head against the window frame. Despite how quiet he tried to be, Rafe getting into the car stirred Blair from his light doze. "Sorry."

"No. It's okay. I would've ended up with a stiff neck if I'd stayed that way much longer. So....."

"He's still in disrespectful jackass mode, but he'll probably be over it by morning."

"Hmmph. And his face?"

"He'll be getting cute comments about bar fights tomorrow. It could be worse."

"How?"

"He could have a few more bruises courtesy of my fists, but I got out before that happened."

"Damn, what'd he say..."

"Nothing you need to worry about. Relax. Try to sleep a little more while I drive."

Blair grunted unhappily and chose to stare out the window instead of taking Rafe's advice. Within half an hour, they had made it back to the older man's building. Having regained some of his energy, Blair refused the support this time and managed the trip upstairs on his own.

"You head in and get washed up while I make something light to eat."

"I don't have anything clean to change into. Last time... I mean...."

"Go pull a t-shirt and a pair of shorts out of the second drawer of my dresser. They'll be a little big on you, but for one night, they should be fine."

"Yeah.... Bri? Thanks. I know I was an idiot to get lost like that...."

"No, you weren't. The human animal doesn't tend to make the wisest moves when they're pissed off. You were smart enough to realize you were in trouble and reach out for help. That's what matters. Now go take a shower, okay? I'll have a tray waiting for you in the bedroom when you come out."

"Okay."

An hour later both men were seated on the bed, finishing up the last of the snack Rafe had thrown together. When he asked a question and got no response, he gazed over at Blair and realized the younger man's head had fallen back against the headboard and his eyes were almost shut. Gently, Rafe placed the tray on the floor and tugged Sandburg down into a prone position, arranging the top-sheet and comforter over him. Blair groaned and swiped ineffectually at the guiding hands making him comfortable, but his fatigue was such that he slid back into true sleep only a few moments later. After returning the tray to the kitchen and placing their plates in the dishwasher, he returned to the bedroom, slid in beside Blair and was soon asleep himself.

LATE SATURDAY MORNING:

"Hey. Morning, babe. Feeling better?"

Blair blinked and stirred, twisting his head back to look curiously at Rafe.

"Much. What time is it?"

"About ten-thirty. Feel like eating something now, or should we wait for lunch?"

"Mmmm..... lunch would be okay. I'm not really hungry."

Grinning, Rafe slid his hand under the bedclothes and laid a warm palm over Blair's crotch.

"Not for breakfast, anyway. Naughty, naughty, Sandburg. What must you have been dreaming about?"

Blair returned the smile and allowed his legs to drift apart a little, accepting Rafe's touch.

"You don't understand.... I could dream about bunnies, rainbows and bluebirds all night.... and still wake up ready to jack-hammer concrete with my dick.... it's just... how I am."

"And is this... every morning?"

"Two out of three.... oh, God, yeah.... that's so good...."

"It's not so bad from this side, either." Rafe chuckled, finally slipping his hand inside the loose shorts and initiating skin-to-skin contact. Blair arched slightly off the bed and sighed.

"Mmmm, yeah.... perfect.... just what I needed...."

"Keep talking, Blair. I love your voice.... the way it deepens when I touch you.... it's just the best...."

"Yeah, well.... anything for you.... " Blair chuckled brokenly as he sensed his release approaching. "Look... these shorts are loose, but...."

"Not that loose. I get it. Hang on."

Using his free hand, Rafe tossed the covers back and carefully revealed Blair's erection before he went back to work in earnest. In only a few minutes, the younger man was tensing and fighting off his impending orgasm, trying to make it last just a little longer. Rafe understood and moved his grip to the base of his lover's cock, gently easing the urgency Blair was struggling against. He was rewarded with a happy sigh.

"Better?"

"Yeah.... thanks. It was too soon.... I didn't want...."

"I know. This time, relax and move through it, okay? Let me give you this...."

"God... yes, please...."

When he sensed Blair was approaching orgasm for the second time, Rafe decided, on the spur of the moment, to take one more step forward and see how Blair reacted. At the absolute last second, he maneuvered his free hand into a position where he could touch the other man's entrance and he caressed it softly throughout Blair's release and for a few seconds afterwards. To his relief and pleasure, he found no change in his lover's blissful expression. Regardless, he moved away before that shift could happen.

"Ummm.... Bri?"

"It's okay. I just wanted to give you a taste.... let you know what it feels like to be touched there. If it's freaking you out, don't think too much about it right now."

"It isn't.... freaking me out, I mean. My... my brain sorta... went off line when I came. I couldn't really focus on... what else you were doing. Can you...."

Rafe laughed and kissed Blair soundly.

"Later. When we get back from our third date...."

Blair tossed Rafe a gleaming, wicked smile and leapt out of bed.

"So... do we flip for who gets the shower first.... or are we conserving water?"

"No coin necessary. You go first. If we get in there together, we'll never make lunch and the play might only be a fifty-fifty shot." Rafe responded, rising himself and beginning the process of changing the sheets.

By the time Blair got out of the shower, Rafe had finished stripping and re-making the bed and was ready to trade places. While his lover took his turn in the bathroom, Blair sat on the edge of the bed and retrieved his wallet from his pants. Reaching into a small compartment, he pulled out a tiny picture and stared at it sadly. It was one he was sure Jim didn't know he still had.

The one and only time he'd ever convinced his partner to go with him to an amusement park, he'd been shocked when Jim had been the one to suggest a session in an automatic photo booth. They'd laughed and goofed around while the pictures were being taken, but Jim had later decided the silly images were bad for his real-life bad-ass image and would get him blackmailed if anyone at the station ever saw them. He'd insisted they be thrown away and Blair had complied, in all but one case. For this particular photo, he had knelt behind Jim, stuck out his tongue, crossed his eyes and used two fingers to make rabbit ears in back of Jim's head. The camera had flashed as Jim was in the process of turning around and smacking Blair while laughing his head off. As he'd held the strip of photos over the trash can that day, Blair had carefully torn away that last one and slipped it into his pocket.

Now, as he gazed at the picture, his heart twisted as he realized what he had to do. Replacing the precious item, he quickly dressed and moved out to the living room, knowing that he had to do this bit of business before Rafe emerged or he risked being talked out of it. Quickly, he found the phone book, looked up a number in the business pages, lifted the receiver and dialed.

"Yeah, hi. My... my name is Blair Sandburg and.... Uh-huh, that's exactly what I need. No, I don't have a lot, but some stuff is really fragile so.... You do? Great. How much does one of the small ones hold? That'll be perfect. Not more than a month, probably way less. Monday, around nine in the morning. 852 Prospect. Okay. Thanks. I'll see you then. Bye."

Just as Blair hung up, Rafe strolled into the living room, dropped next to the younger man on the couch and placed a swift kiss on his temple.

"Everything okay?"

"Yeah.... yeah, everything's fine. You ready to go find some lunch?"

Wanting to cry himself, Rafe reached out, swept a stray tear from Blair's cheek and smiled. "Hell.... I'm sorry, man.... I didn't know...."

"Shhh. It'll take time." Rafe reminded Blair as he embraced him. "Unfortunately, most of that time will be painful and miserable. I'm here and you know I'll do whatever I can to see you get through this in one piece."

Blair nodded then pulled away.

"I'm grateful.... you have to understand that, but...."

".... you still don't feel like talking about it. That's fine. When you're ready, I'll be willing."

"And if this morning was any indication, we're both more than able." Blair joked.

"Hallelujah and Amen to that Brother Blair."

Rising to his feet, Blair laughed and shook his head..

"I don't think so! You can call me anything but that. It's too close to Brother Bear and I already get tormented enough about being this furry."

Rafe stood and wrapped his arms around his young lover again, leaning in to murmur in his ear.

"But I love your fur.... it's the most exciting thing about you..."

Blair responded in mock surprise.

"The most exciting? Should I be insulted?"

"Okay, second most. What really turns me on about you Blair Jacob Sandburg.... isn't fuzzy at all."

"Oh yeah? You gonna tell me?"

"What really gets to me... is what's in here," he answered, thunking his forehead gently against Blair's. "and in here." He finished, laying a hand over Blair's heart.

"Shit... you're gonna make me cry again and if I have to go out in public with puffy eyes, I'll kill you..."

Rafe pulled back, patted Blair on the cheek and smirked.

"Well, if either of was straight we could call up the guys from Queer Eye and get free makeovers, but...."

Blair chuckled and smacked Rafe in the head with a throw pillow.

"Yeah, yeah. Go get your jacket, funny man."

CHAPTER 6:
Maybe
(Gordon Kennedy/Phil Madeira)

(You can probably guess that the original lyric was she, not he. I adapted just that one word to fit the story.)

Yesterday the odds were stacked in favor of my expectations, Flyin' above the rest, never fallin' from the nest. Tuesday came and went and now I'm in a little situation. Maybe it's for the best.
I could live alone, I guess.

Maybe I could stand alone,
Maybe I'm strong as stone.
Even though the bird has flown,
Maybe he'll fly on home.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

SATURDAY EVENING:

For the hundredth time, Jim circled the loft, hands in his back pockets and a distracted expression on his face. His tangled emotions were starting to drive him crazy, but he couldn't seem to settle long enough to name the troublesome feelings and do something about them. He'd been in the kitchen numerous times and searched the cabinets and the fridge over and over, but nothing even faintly stirred his appetite; consequently he hadn't eaten all day. He knew he should be hungry, would be if Blair would only call, but until that happened, he continued to pace restlessly, as if looking for something he'd seen only a moment before, but which had been stolen when he turned away.

When the phone finally rang, he whirled and pounced on it, as his spirit animal would have on prey, finally run down after a long hunt.

"Ellison."

"Hi."

"Sandburg! Thank God! Rafe said you'd call this morning. Where have you been?"

" Might call, remember? I slept in. By the time we both got washed and dressed.... you know how it is. Besides, Bri said he told you I was okay and that I'd be spending the night at his place."

"He did.... you could've come home, Blair. You know I wasn't really mad."

"Yeah? What do you call the way you were acting?"

Jim paused, breathing shallowly. With effort, he pushed his fear and his ego aside and spoke the truth, though his voice was quiet and heavy with regret.

"Jealousy. Pure, undiluted jealousy."

"No... oh, no. Don't you even think about it...."

"Blair..."

"No! You can't do this!" Sandburg hissed forcefully. You backed away, Jim, not me. You as much as told me you couldn't handle how you felt. Now that I've moved on.... you can't suddenly decide you care enough to get jealous over Brian. That's not fair!"

"So I'm not human? I'm not allowed to make a mistake?"

"Are you saying you did? Are you trying to tell me now that you're not afraid anymore?"

Jim's throat locked up and he was unable to answer immediately. "That's what I thought."

"Damn it, wait!" Jim finally croaked. "I....God, Sandburg, you're not even tryin' to see my side...."

"I don't have to. I know what you went through with Carolyn. I also know that you'll never have another long term relationship if you don't stop answering to your fear and sabotaging every possibility that comes up."

"I don't do that..."

"Yeah, you do, you just won't accept it. I have to go, Jim. I just wanted to let you know I'll be staying here tonight too. Bri said he'd come over and pick up some clothes for me tomorrow."

"You're that scared of me that you won't even come back long enough to fill up a suitcase?"

"It's me I'm scared of. I feel awful enough for hitting you the first time. Right now... we're not good for each other and if I walked in there, even for a minute.... I'm really afraid we'd set each other off again. I can't risk that."

"Blair.... c'mon. It wasn't your fault. I pushed your buttons...."

"Yeah, but I let them be pushed. I take responsibility for my actions, Jim. That's the first lesson Naomi taught me. I lashed out in anger, so it's up to me not to put either of us in a situation where it could happen again. I'll see you at work Monday when I drop in to say goodbye to everybody. Night, Jim."

Blair disconnected the call and Jim was left with the buzz of the dial-tone echoing in his ear. Fighting down a deep-seated need to throw the phone across the room, Jim replaced the receiver carefully on the base and retreated to his room.

MONDAY MORNING: MAJOR CRIMES

Telling himself it was due to the weather, Jim turned up the collar of his jacket as he entered the bull-pen, but it only worked until he got to his desk. By the time the third person asked him if he was cold he realized his ruse was holding up like tissue paper under a waterfall and stripped off the coat. Unfortunately, he happened to do it just as Megan was passing by.

"Good Lord, Jim! Whose fist did you run into last night?"

"Noone's. I fell out of bed this morning. Cracked my jaw on the nightstand."

Joel sauntered over, gazed at the visible evidence of Blair's loss of control and grimaced.

"I don't think so. I've seen enough domestics to know the difference. That's not a fall, that's a punch."

When Simon added his two cents to the mix, Jim groaned and closed his eyes.

"Okay, what bar were you scrapping in and why isn't it in the overnight report?" the captain remarked with a smile. Rafe commented from his desk, the only one who knew enough to keep a safe distance.

"You might as well tell the truth, Jim. They'll drag it out of him when he comes in later anyhow."

"You... keep your opinions to yourself, Detective."

"Drag it out of who?" Simon asked. "Wait.... does this have to do with.... My office, Ellison."

Jim sighed heavily and rubbed the bridge of his nose.

"No need, sir. He's right. I hate it.... but he's right. Better you hear it from me first. Blair and I.... we had a verbal knock-down drag-out Friday night. I said something really stupid, it pissed him off and... he hit me."

"Stupid and cruel." Rafe amended. Jim threw a ball of crumpled paper at his head with deadly accuracy.

"Didn't I tell you to shut up?"

"Enough, Jim!" Simon admonished him.

"Is Sandy alright? You didn't hit him back, did you?"

"Of course not. By the time I got over the shock of him punching me, he'd taken off running. I talked to him Saturday night and he sounded fine."

"Where is he?" Joel demanded. "Did he say?"

"He didn't need to. I already knew." Jim responded darkly, shooting a quick glare at Rafe. Megan smacked Jim in the arm to turn his attention back to the group.

"Owww!"

"You deserve far worse. I told you what you had to do. Don't you ever listen to anyone?"

"Excuse me? I remember suggestions, not commandments...."

"She's right. You're lucky I don't line up every guy in the bullpen and let 'em whap you in the back of the head. I would if I didn't know I'd get fired." Simon told him disgustedly.

"What?!"

"Please." Joel finally said. "Don't you dare try to tell me you haven't known for at least a year that the kid was in love with you. I don't wanna know how or why you stepped on his heart. Just fix it." the older man advised, stalking away to drop into his own chair.

"Simon...."

"Forget it. If you can talk him out of what he's comin' here to do today, that might be a start. It won't be near enough... but it leaves you a direction to go in at least."

Shaking his head, Banks walked away.

"What's he talking about? Sandy's comin' in for work."

"No.... no he isn't."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I can't tell you. You'll find out when he gets here."

"Ellison..."

"Don't you have something else to do besides badgering me about my pitiful existence?"

Frowning, Megan reluctantly backed off.

THE LOFT -- TWENTY MINUTES LATER:

"Is that everything, Mister Sandburg?"

"Yeah. I think so. I checked every place I could think of. That should be it."

"Okay. You can follow us to the facility or you can ride in the truck, if you like."

"I know the address. I'll meet you guys there. I have one last thing to do."

"Cool. See you there in about ten minutes?"

"Yup."

Watching the truck that contained his life pull away, Blair fought back yet another round of tears and shook himself. Forced to get on with the process he never dreamed he'd go through again, he turned and moved back into the building. Once he reached the loft, he walked to the kitchen and began searching through Jim's well-organized, not-quite-a-junk drawer, eventually emerging with a roll of scotch tape. Pulling his key to the loft from his pocket, Blair stared at it for a long time, running his thumb over its edges and curves as if he were trying to sear the exact shape into his memory. He then ripped off a short strip of tape, attached the key to the inside of the door with it, replaced the roll in the drawer and left, closing the door softly behind him.

LUNCHTIME: THE STATION

The moment Blair stepped into the bullpen, he found he was forced to stop. As if suddenly magnetized, his feet refused to take him any farther. All he could do was gaze at the room and the people, knowing he would probably never experience this moment again. Powerful, vivid images of the hours he'd spent here swept through him like a cyclone, leaving him weak and frightened. He tried to turn and leave, but he found he couldn't do that either. His emotional inertia lasted until H strolled by and grasped Blair's hand, shocking him out of his mild fugue state.

"Hey, HairBoy! Good to see you. We missed you this last week."

"H? Oh. Hi. Good to see you too. Trust me, I missed you just as much."

"Nice to know. Uhhh... you comin' in or not?"

Still uncertain he'd be able to move, Blair tried a step and was surprised to find his moment of frozen confusion had passed.

"Yeah.... yeah, of course I am." He chuckled, finally moving into the room in Henri's wake. "Don't go anywhere for a few minutes, okay? I'll be over to talk to you in a while."

"Uh-oh. Sounds serious."

"It is.... it really is. Stick around?"

"Okay. I promise." H replied, his voice somber and quiet in response to the uncharacteristic sadness he heard in Blair's. As Henri dropped into the chair behind his desk, Blair moved to greet Megan first. When she realized he was sitting on the edge of her desk she immediately embraced him

"Sandy...."

"Hey."

"What the hell's going on with you and Jim?" she asked as they separated. "Fighting, hitting.... that's not like either of you."

"Never used to be. Did Rafe spill the beans?"

"No, he made Jim do it, which was only right. Are you okay? You look like you lost something precious. It's not your mum, is it?"

"No. Naomi's fine. It's.... I quit the department. I'm not an observer anymore."

"You did what?! Sandy, no...."

"I had to. It's a long story I don't really feel like going into right now."

"Damn that Ellison and his bull-headed, wouldn't-know-love-if-it-bit-him-in-the-ass attitude!"

"Megan, don't. It isn't all his fault. He's been hurt and he's gun-shy. I just finally decided that if he doesn't wanna do anything about it... I can't argue the point anymore and I can't keep waiting."

Her expression shifting from anger into a sad smile, Megan reached out and cupped Blair's cheek.

"Brian... he's treatin' you good isn't he?"

"Yeah. He's amazing. He makes me happy. I'm at peace around him. I've had to be so careful.... don't touch Jim too much or for too long, don't force the issues he can't deal with, don't ever mention the L word..... Now, it's so different. With Bri I just feel so... free."

"You deserve that. So your leaving... it's about them?"

"Mostly. I need to focus on my classes too."

"But your topic...."

"I've got pretty much everything I need to finish. If I realize something's missing, I can go to someone else."

"Damn it, Sandy, I can't stand this..... you and Jim are the best team this place has ever seen...."

"We were. He'll do just as well with a real partner. Probably better. You'll see." Blair reassured her and himself as he stood.

"You were his real partner! Better than half the yobbos in this whole place and you know that!" she corrected him, smacking his shoulder.

"Okay, okay. Best cop who never carried a badge or cut his hair." he relented, laughing quietly as he hugged her again, briefly. "I need to say goodbye to the others. Take care of yourself, Connor, okay?"

"I will.... Even without that stupid ID, you know you're welcome here. You'd better come back and see me...."

"You got it. Bye."

"Bye...."

As Blair moved slowly from area to area, Jim could almost see the relaxed, business-like atmosphere in the room shifting toward shock and distress as the bad news made the rounds. Inwardly he cringed, anticipating the wrath of their mutual friends descending on his head over the next few days. When Blair approached him, the cringe became a desperate urge to flee but Jim held firm and stayed in his chair.

"Hey. The bruise doesn't look as bad as I was afraid it would. I'm glad."

"Yeah... thank God for frozen peas."

"I... I really hope you can forgive me."

"Forget it. Over and done."

"No, Jim, don't just brush this off. I need you to say you forgive me. It's the most important part of the ritual I'm going through to forgive myself. Please...."

"Okay. I forgive you for letting your temper get the best of you and I forgive you for punching me. Is that it? Is it what you needed?" Jim asked uncertainly.

"It was perfect. Thank you. I have to get going, but.... promise me something first?"

"What?"

"That you'll eat right once in a while and sleep when you need it.... and that you'll remember your stress meditations and use them. Most important, call me if your senses go haywire. I know you can pretty much handle them on your own now, but.... protective Guide instincts, ya know? I had to say it."

Abruptly, nameless fear welled up inside Jim, choking him. Rationally, he could find no reason for it, but it had struck him this intensely only once or twice before and he knew enough to pay attention. Almost unaware, he rose to his feet.

"Yeah... I promise. Sand... Blair, wait. What's goin' on? What've you done?"

"My cell's gonna be off tonight.... got some serious meditating to do myself. I'll turn it back on in the morning and you can probably reach me then, okay? See you around, Big Guy." Blair told him, backing away for another step or two then turning and striding out of sight. After only a moment's hesitation, Rafe leapt up and followed. Jim stood behind his desk, mired in confusion and panic for another few minutes, then he ran for Simon's office.

"I can hear the request already, and the answer is no."

"Simon..."

"The kid made his decision. Much as I hate losing him, he's not a member of this department anymore, but you are and I need you focusing on your job."

"Something's wrong, here, I know it! What he said to me just now was more like a permanent good-bye, Captain. He was talking like he really isn't gonna be around. As in taking himself out!"

"That's ridiculous! The kid's too smart to do anything that thoughtless and hurtful to the people around him. He'll be fine, Jim, and you have work. The Garner case is unraveling. Somehow the father made bail and the mother was nave enough to let him see Christopher unsupervised. The boy recanted five minutes after his father did."

"God, no... he's our only witness."

"Glad you see the problem. Go talk to the boy."

"Sir... not now, please. I just have this feeling I need to get home...."

"Yes, now! I'm not giving up the chance to add a witness tampering charge to this creep's list of felonies, Jim. You did some excellent work gettin' the arrest, now you have to do some more to save the case. Nothin' to do but go do it."

Jim lowered his head and snorted in disgust. When he raised his eyes again, Simon could tell he'd given in.

"Here or at his house?"

"His house. He'll be more comfortable, willing to talk, maybe. Jim? Nowhere else. The murder scene and back, got it? That three days off was a rest. If I give you any more time away, I'll have to call it an official suspension."

"I understand, sir."

"Good. Get to work detective."

THE PARKING GARAGE

"I'm okay, now, Bri. You can head back upstairs."

"Yeah, right. You're still leaking like a sieve." Rafe told him, swiping at Blair's face with his handkerchief.

"But the whimpering, sniveling, kicking and screaming have all stopped. Therefore, I am officially okay. Go on. I've got some calls to make and stuff to look at on my laptop."

"You're sure?"

"How many times do I have to say it before you hear me, mother hen?" Blair joked weakly.

"I meant about... the loft. I wish you'd told me Saturday what you were planning. We could have talked it out, discussed options.... What if there's nothing open on or off campus?"

"I'll figure something out."

"Blair, just think about staying with me.... "

"No. I explained my reasoning. Soon, but not yet. Bri.... I've been somebody else's responsibility my whole life. Let me take up the slack for a while.... see how it feels. Then, maybe I'll be ready to share the load again. Okay?"

"Okay. At least stay one more night. Just in case any of those symptoms come back. I mean, if a cop found you curled up in your car, bawling your eyes out, he'd haul you in for drunk and disorderly."

Blair laughed and hugged his lover fiercely.

"Okay, okay. One more night, but that's all. Got any good ideas for how we can pass the time? After today I really don't feel like going out."

"Well, let's see. We hit a stand up double our first night, rounded third Saturday morning.... how about we try to steal home?"

"You won't have to steal anything.... I'll give it up willingly.... not even a question..."

"Not even one? Aw, shucks, I was looking forward to doing the "Who's On First?" routine."

"Hmmm.... only if we change it up a little. Like... who's on top and what's he doing with his finger...."

"Rainbows and bluebirds my ass. You do have a dirty mind."

"And you're complaining?"

"Are you kidding? Dirty or squeaky clean, I told you I love your mind...."

Grudgingly, Blair pulled back from a kiss that was growing far too hot for the confined space or the limited time they had.

"You really do need to get back to work, Bri."

"I know. Damn it...."

"I'll meet you at your place about six, okay? We'll go have dinner...."

"How about Wonderburger?"

"What, in honor of love lost? Faulty reasoning."

"Nah. In honor of love found. Plus I'm in the mood for something really bad for me. C'mon, Blair. I don't necessarily like how you made it happen, but some of the stress is off.... we deserve to relax."

"Okay. For once I can let a little grease and salt into the temple that is my body. Just once, though. If I gain forty pounds and develop coronary disease you won't want me anymore."

"I'd want you if you looked like a humpback whale. You're a sexy little fur-ball and don't you forget it. See you at six." Rafe said as he climbed out of the car.

Blair watched him go wistfully then opened his laptop, pulled up the Rainier website and began his search for affordable housing.

7:30 THAT NIGHT

"Man, that dinner was great. I'm glad I let you change my mind. I forgot how much I love authentic Japanese food. It's been almost twenty years since I've been there."

"You've been to Japan?"

"I doubt you could name a place I haven't been."

"Equatorial Africa." Rafe responded smugly, knowing that even if he was wrong, he might get a good story out of it.

"I was twelve and I loved it. One of the few times I wasn't cold even once."

"Egypt."

"I was five. I'd love to go back someday. I was so young I don't remember much except the government dig site we stumbled on. I think that was what really kick-started my passion for history and anthropology. One thing I do remember real clearly is Naomi dragging me off in a huff when she discovered I was running little errands for the dig workers. You know, carry water, wash the brushes and the tools that weren't sharp, but she was real big into 'It's not yours, so leave it where you found it ' back then and sh- nmmmph...." Blair mumbled, his waterfall of words dissolving when Rafe wrapped both hands around his face and kissed him soundly.

"You were saying?"

"Ummm... I have no idea?"

"No, really. What were you trying to tell me?" Rafe teased, grinning wickedly then licking Blair's chin.

"Take me to bed?"

"Is that a question.... or a statement?"

"A plea for mercy...."

"You don't know what begging is yet." Brian whispered in his ear. "You just wait... 'till I've got you on your back.... with your legs thrown open as wide as they'll go... and three fingers deep inside that pretty little ass.... twisting.... stretching.... rubbing your prostate over and over, until you're burning and screaming for me to get on with it.... to slick myself up and push my hard cock into your heat.... but I'm gonna make you work for it, Blair... I'm gonna wait until you want it so bad you're leaking enough to lubricate you and me both... then you'll find out what it means to beg...."

"I, um... I could start begging now.... if you'll keep talking to me like that...." Blair replied, giddy and slightly hanging on Brian's neck, afraid his suddenly unstable knees wouldn't support him.

"I can do that.... we need to move this to the bedroom, Blair, before I ruin a perfectly good pair of pants..."

"Me too... Oh, God, me too!"

"Can't beat enthusiasm...."

Reluctantly pulling apart, both men left their jackets behind and strode into the bedroom. This time the revealing of bodies was swift and efficient, with not a moment spared for shyness or self-deprecation. In minutes, Blair was stretched out on the bed, trembling with both fear and anticipation. Rafe climbed over him slowly, talking all the way.

"You're so beautiful, Blair. Open up for me.... let me see all of you. C'mon. Remember the picture I painted out there.... that's it. Just relax your thighs... good... let me see you... touch you.... taste you.... yeah...."

Caressing up and down the inside of Blair's thighs, Rafe gradually eased his legs apart more and more until his young lover was spread before him like a banquet, one where he couldn't decide which delicacy to sample first. Leaning forward, he rested part of his weight on Blair, supporting the rest on his hands, and began to suckle and gently bite the amber points of flesh high on the other man's chest.

"Ahhh.... Bri, man that is so good.... I love your mouth.... turns me on so much...."

"Glad to hear it.... you ready for the next level?"

"Go for it.... I know what you can do with your hands, babe, and I want it.... go ahead, put all your weight on me... I can handle it...."

Carefully watching Blair's reaction for signs of stress or retreat, Rafe lowered his body into full contact with his lover's. Blair groaned softly and Rafe smiled.

"Good.... really good.... okay, we did this before.... not quite like this, but this isn't new.... feel me sliding against you, all slippery and hot.... I'll never get enough of you, Blair...."

"And you... haven't even had.. all of me yet... wow, that's a compliment...."

"Jokes.... at a time like this he's making jokes.... that's a good sign. Means you're relaxed."

"Trying to be...."

"I touched you Saturday, Blair. It didn't freak you then, don't let it now. Just close your eyes and feel.... that's it. Good..... beautiful."

When the single digit began pressing and circling around his entrance again, Blair tensed momentarily, but within a few seconds he felt the fear and worry give way to pleasure and curiosity. "Yeah.... it feels so good, doesn't it? It's calming... and soothing."

"Stroke me again.... like you did before.... I loved that so much...."

"I remember. Not yet, okay? Have a little patience. This first time.... I want you to come when I do.... when I'm thrusting hard and strong inside you. You've never felt anything like it.... the power, the satisfaction.... if you can manage it, I'd love to watch your face when you feel it, so hold on. Hold on for both of us...."

"I'll try... I swear, I'll try...."

"Thank you." Rafe told him tenderly, giving Blair a lingering kiss before removing his hand and sitting up again. Blair whimpered at the loss of warmth and contact, but Rafe calmed him.

"It's okay. Just have to get the supplies and re-arrange ourselves a little." He explained, reaching over to draw a condom and bottle of lubricant from the night table. Once those were in reach, he wrapped his hands behind Blair's knees and tugged the younger man forward a bit. "Wrap your legs around my waist. That's right. Now all you have to do is enjoy the ride. Stay relaxed.... good man."

When Brian first slid the tip of one finger into Blair's hole, the young man gasped and clutched the sheets for a few seconds while he rode out the unfamiliar sensations and the emotions that accompanied them. "It's okay. Easy, Blair. It doesn't hurt, does it?"

"No.... just weird... wow, that's actually nice...."

"I should hope so. You're stretching well so far. Stay cool. The second finger can ache a little, but I need to do this so I don't hurt you when I go inside for real. That's gonna be so incredible.... all this will be worth it, I swear."

With the addition of a second finger, Blair hissed and felt his muscles tighten involuntarily, but he focused on remaining calm and eventually the slight burn faded, allowing the pleasure to regain control. The third was even harder to relax around, but he did it, assisted by Rafe's voice and his own wonder at what was finally going to happen. "I can't believe I get to see you this way. I've dreamed about this so many times.... God, you're exquisite.... the color in your face, the way your eyes have gone so dark, those gorgeous curls all over the pillow.... I'm so lucky. It's about time. You ready?"

"Yeah... way beyond. Show me, Bri. Make love to me, please...."

Settling the condom over his rampant erection, Rafe covered it thickly in lube from the bottle and reached out to smooth one hand over Blair's abs while guiding himself into position with the other. As he began to nudge inside, he spoke softly to his young lover, easing his fears and, he hoped, keeping Blair's arousal at a peak through the initial entry.

"You know I'd never hurt you, Blair. I want this to be so good for you.... It's gonna burn a little.... you're so hot and tight, I can barely hold off.... but I will for you.... I'll do anything, be anything for you.... so sweet.... just a little more.... I'm almost all the way inside your incredible body... can you feel me? Can you feel me moving... sliding, gliding.... I'm touching you everywhere inside...."

"Bri...." Blair sobbed, ".....too much... too fast. Slow down.... gimme time."

"Okay. I can do that.... take it easy.... easy, baby...." Rafe responded, holding absolutely still until Blair's expression shifted more towards joy than pain. "You okay?"

"Better.... I think.... you can move now...."

Leaning forward again, Rafe kissed Blair firmly and made his first shallow thrust and retreat, reveling in the sensation of tight muscle clinging to his cock as he moved in and out. As the kiss became more passionate and fevered, Rafe's movements deepened and sped up, until he was driving his body down into Blair's with every stroke and impacting the other man's prostate continually. Eyes squeezed shut, Blair pulled away from the kiss for a moment to pant out a warning.

"I... I can't stop it.... I have to come now... I have to... I'm sorry..."

"S'okay... I'm as close as you are, love... go ahead and do it.... come for me, Blair.... come hard.... cover us both with it.... let it go....."

His head shoved back into the pillow, neck strained and corded, Blair felt his balls draw up and he began to orgasm, sending stream after stream of fluid arcing between their straining bodies. Almost simultaneously, Rafe stiffened and found his release, crying out Blair's name. Several minutes later, both hearts had slowed, both sets of lungs were working much less frantically and the two lovers carefully separated, curled up against one another and fell asleep.

THE LOFT:

Jim didn't make it home until almost nine that night. Half the afternoon and evening had been invested in convincing Christopher that he could tell the truth without risking reprisal from his father. The rest had been consumed in paperwork. Once the man had realized his son was no longer parroting the lies that had been frightened into him, Melanie's abductor and killer had given up and plead guilty to all charges.

Exhausted and emotionally drained, Jim shrugged off his jacket and holster, hung both up by the door and covered them with his baseball cap. As he started to move into the main area of the loft, however, he paused. What Blair often called his 'spidey sense' was making the hair rise on his neck and arms, as if the room had been suffused with static electricity just waiting for a path and an excuse. There was no imminent danger, that he knew for sure, but something was wrong.

Shunting aside the vague, nagging feeling, Jim turned to his impressive physical senses and away from the meta-physical. It took only a few moments for his eyes to discover the source of the strange discomfort weighing down his stomach; several pieces of art that Blair had added to the loft walls over the years were gone. The awareness caused Jim's heart to stutter and his breath to catch and stop for a few terrifying moments, during which he stood frozen, paralyzed a few steps from the kitchen.

Almost a minute later, when survival instinct kicked in and forced Jim's breathing to resume, he stumbled forward a single step, panting as his lungs got back in business. The paralysis broken, he ran first to the bathroom. The absence of all personal products but his made him feel as if a hole were being slowly drilled in his heart. His final stop was Blair's room, where he found nothing but empty space. The futon, the clothes and all books and papers had been stripped away and the floor had been swept clean of every bit of dust and debris.

The hole in his heart expanded, blowing it apart, and Jim, shaking and utterly overwhelmed, dropped to his knees and simply stared around the bare room, now as vacant as his pole-axed expression.

CHAPTER 7:

Maybe (second half)
(Gordon Kennedy/Phil Madeira)

.... Excuse me if I'm keeping you apart from better conversation. Hung up on all my doubt,
Trying to sort the whole thing out.
Tell me that I'm smart enough to deal with all the information Spinning inside my head,
Every word he ever said.

Maybe I could stand alone,
Maybe I'm strong as stone.
Even though the bird has flown,
Maybe he'll fly on home.

TUESDAY MORNING:

Jim awoke almost an hour before the time programmed into his bedside alarm. He stared up through the skylight for a while, unwilling to get up and face the scene downstairs, but pain forced the issue. Wincing he threw off the covers and carefully swung his legs out of bed, shaking his head in disbelief at his newest bruises, self-inflicted this time around.

The previous night, he'd spent nearly two hours kneeling in Blair's room, unaware of the world around him. It was the first emotional zone he'd gone through and with noone close by to talk him out, he'd been left to the whims of his body and mind. When he'd finally recovered on his own, he'd shuffled stiffly to the bathroom to swallow some pain reliever and trudged upstairs, falling into bed without even getting undressed. To his shock, he'd apparently slept like the dead, because he could recall no restless periods or tossing and turning during the night.

Gazing intently at the phone, he wondered who his first call should be. After a few minutes of deep thought and decision-making, he lifted the receiver and dialed.

"Hi, Rhonda, it's uh... it's Jim. I'm not feelin' all that hot today, so I won't be in. No, just let Simon know and cross one off my sick days list. That only leaves me a hundred and ninety-one... very funny. Yeah, bye, Rhonda."

Before dialing a second time, he had to pause and dig through his memory banks for a minute or two, because the number was one he hadn't needed in a long while.

"Hi. It's Jim. I didn't wake you did I?"

"No. I couldn't sleep. Apparently we're still in tune with each other, even after all this time. I've been feeling unsettled and anxious for days, actually. I think somehow..... I've been waiting for you to call. What's wrong, Jim?"

"Nothing.... everything. I... I need to talk. Can you meet me for breakfast?" Jim requested, reaching up to brush away an insect or stray hair from his face. It turned out to be neither. Stunned to find he was crying, Jim's spine instantly straightened and he coughed to clear his tight throat. He didn't fool the person on the other end.

"Jimmy... my God, am I hearing tears?"

"No. I'm okay."

"Truth, Jim. For once, be honest about how you feel."

"You don't get it. It's not.... You know me better than most people in my life. I get mad or I shut down, but I don't cry. Even if I could.... I wouldn't know how to handle it."

"You never did." the other agreed gently and with genuine sadness in their voice. "How you handle tears depends on what they're about, I suppose. Is that why you wanted to talk?"

"Partly, yeah. So, can you.... will you meet me?" Jim choked out, finally conceding to the need for a tissue, roughly scrubbing the offending moisture from his cheeks.

"I'll be at your place in twenty minutes."

"Here? God, no, you don't have to...."

"You'd rather continue this emotional roller-coaster ride of discovery in public?"

"Are you insane? Okay... twenty minutes. And Caro.... thanks."

"No need. I'll see you soon, Jimmy."

"The door'll be open. Bye."

"Good-bye."

RAFE'S APARTMENT

Blair swam slowly up through a heavy fog of sleep, grudgingly releasing the last of a series of pleasant dreams that had cycled and stayed with him all night, in one incarnation or another. Eventually, though, he responded to the even more delightful reality of gentle lips tickling the nape of his neck and an easy hand gliding up and down his bare arm. Cracking open one eye, he grinned lazily up at Brian and stretched up and back for a quick kiss. Quick became lingering and soon transformed into passionate. The growing heat between the two lasted only until Blair turned onto his back, his eyes widening and pain evident in his expression.

"Blair?"

"Yelp. Owwie, even."

Rafe chuckled sympathetically.

"A muscle is a muscle, baby. Give it a workout, you're bound to be sore the day after. C'mon." he said, rising and offering Blair his hands. "A hot shower will make it better."

Groaning, Blair accepted the help to get onto his feet and into the shower. Once under the pounding, steamy water, his aches retreated almost instantly and he sighed with gratitude. When Rafe wrapped both arms securely around the smaller man and began to sing quietly in his ear, Blair relaxed into the support and began to rock with the rhythm of the song.

" ' Hush now, I see a light in the sky. Oh, it's almost blinding me. I can't believe I've been touched by an angel with love....' "

"Hey, not bad. You've got a pretty good voice."

"Do I? I used to sing in school... sometimes in church. I was thinking of making it a career, but.... I let my dad talk me out of it."

Sensing more was behind the simple explanation than Rafe was willing to say, Blair tipped his head back onto his lover's shoulder and spoke softly to him.

"Finish the song?"

"Nah... I don't do it anymore. I'm rusty as hell probably...."

Firmly, deliberately, Blair reached out and shut the water off. Stepping out, he dragged Rafe behind him back into the bedroom and tugged him down to sit on the edge of the bed. He touched their foreheads together as Rafe had done days earlier and, keeping strict eye contact, repeated his request.

"Sing."

"Blair we're both soaking wet, here...."

"We'll dry and so will the bed-spread. Sing for me... please."

Gazing at Sandburg in wonder and confusion, Brian finally did begin another piece of the same song, despite the tremble in his voice.

" ' Where there was dark, now there's light. Where there was pain, now there's joy. Where there was weakness, I've found my strength, all in the eyes of a boy....' "

Brian tried to continue, but his throat closed. Blair embraced him fiercely.

"That was beautiful. Thank you, Bri. Wow... what a gift you just gave me...."

"Why? Why was it so important to make me sing?" Rafe asked through his tears.

"Naomi may not have been super-mom.... but she taught me some really important things. One of them... is when you find a spirit that's been diminished or brought down in any way, no matter how small.... raising it up again is a sacred duty.... and every soul you can heal that way brings you one step closer to God. When you talked about your music and your dad.... I heard a diminished spirit."

Unable to respond, Rafe simply clung to Blair for the next half-hour, allowing himself to be rocked and reassured. Eventually, he pulled away, went to his closet and came back with a guitar. He played and Blair listened, even taking the instrument himself and trying out a few chords.

"Pretty good for a newbie. With those long fingers, you're pretty well suited for the guitar. I'd be willing to give you lessons.... if you want."

"Yeah. I'd love that actually." He replied, smiling and placing a brief peck on Rafe's lips. "You're sure?"

"Of course. Shoot. When do you have to be at school today?"

"Not for a couple hours, love. Relax. We've got time to play some more. You know that Cat Stevens one? Something about the moon... I always used to love that as a kid."

Rafe frowned, then brightened and began picking out a lively tune.

" 'I'm bein' followed by a moon-shadow...' "

THE LOFT:

"Jim? It's just me."

Jogging down the stairs, Jim strode to meet his ex-wife and hugged her, lifting her off the ground for a few seconds.

"Hey. It's so good to see you. I'm really glad you're here." He told her before setting her down and backing away a little.

"So am I. I'm sorry I'm late, but there were two major car accidents on the way here and it took forever to get around them.... Oh. Oh my. What happened to the loft? Were you robbed?" Carolyn asked incredulously, moving farther into the apartment and staring at the bare walls.

"No. They were Blair's pieces, so...."

Carolyn whirled back around to face Jim.

"He's gone? He just walked out on you? He's your Guide, Jim, how can he do that?"

"It's a long story. You and I... we have to talk about a lot of stuff before I'm ready to tell it."

Carolyn studied him carefully then breathed deeply and conceded.

"Okay. The couch?"

"Yeah."

Once both were settled, Jim rubbed his eyes, grimaced and spent a minute or two going over the past week and a half in his mind, wondering where to begin.

"Caro... why did we really fall apart?"

"Mutual resentment and inability to face our problems head on. This was before either of us knew about your abilities, remember. I was terrified that you were going to end up in an institution, locked inside yourself forever, and I didn't know how to help. I pulled away because I knew I didn't have the courage to deal with that if it happened."

Jim gazed at her, shocked.

"You've never told me that before."

"It took me a while to confront the truth. That's not to say you were blameless."

"I know. Every time I lost track of where I was or came to and three hours had gone by.... it scared me a little more. The only way I knew how to deal with that kind of fear was to shove it down, lock it away and get on with living. I wanted to tell you so many times.... to ask for your help, but every instinct in me said to keep my mouth shut. I was so sure you'd run like the wind if I opened up about my senses. Instead you left because I didn't. To tell you the truth, I was pretty sure I was headed for the loony bin, too. I'd probably be there now if...."

".... if not for Blair. He saved your mind and your life."

Jim sucked in a huge breath and finally looked Carolyn in the eye.

"He did more than that."

As Jim's point sank in, Carolyn's eyes grew wide and she sat forward.

"Jim.... you can't mean.... you're bi-sexual? My God...."

"No! I mean... I don't think I am. I've never been attracted to other guys and I'm still not. It's just.... Blair and I got so close..... We spent so much time together, training and honing my senses and just hanging out. I looked at him one day and something in my brain went.... you're in love."

"And, emotional phobic that you are, you panicked."

"Exactly. It got worse when I realized he felt the same way for me. I started thinking about our marriage. It was so good at the start, but by the end it was nothing but hurt and rage. I couldn't stand to go through that again.... so I backed off."

"Jimmy... half of what went wrong with us was the stress of not knowing what was happening to you. The fear that you were losing your mind and I was going to lose you when you did.... that was a big part of the problem on my side. The rest was you not trusting me. I kept pressuring you to open up, you'd get mad and I'd over-react. That kind of constant strain will eventually kill any relationship."

Jim looked away, growling softly under his breath, then rose to his feet and began to stalk the living room. "It has happened again, hasn't it?" Carolyn questioned gently. "That's why he left."

"It wasn't just that..... Blair got tired of waiting on me to say something.... to say how much I loved him. He... he started seeing someone else and even though I had no right to.... I turned into a jealous idiot. My mouth ran a couple sentences too long one night and he hauled off and hit me."

"Ah. The bruise on your jaw. I thought it might have been work related. I didn't want to ask in case you couldn't discuss it. So you've lost him for good? You've lost the one person in the world born to be your Guide."

"I hope to hell not. I just have to.... I need you to help me, Caro. How do I fix this? How do I fix me?"

Standing, she moved to join Jim, taking his hands.

"Your senses are under control, right?"

Jim nodded. "Then all that's left is to settle the trust issue. You weren't born like this, Jimmy. Your childhood and your time in the army changed you. You have the capacity to change back, but it won't work unless you want it to. Do you finally want that?"

"God, yeah.... I just wish.... I should have gotten to this point a long time ago. I never wanted to hurt you.... I was just so confused back then.... I'm sorry...." he sobbed almost inaudibly, pulling her into his arms and holding on tight.

"I know, Jim.... I know. Come back to the couch and relax while I make breakfast, alright?"

Jim nodded again and let Carolyn lead him back and sit him down. While she efficiently gathered pans and ingredients, Jim ran the vital words over and over in his head, preparing himself to say them out loud when the time came.

I love you, Blair. I love you, Blair. I love you, Blair. I love.....

LUNCHTIME: A CLASSROOM AT RAINIER UNIVERSITY

"Professor? What is it?"

Blair continued searching in desk drawers and through his backpack, unwilling to give up on what he thought he was missing.

"I don't know..... it's... one of those days, you know? I've lost something, I'm positive I have. I just can't find it."

"More like you aren't even real clear what it is you lost?"

Blair looked up in mild surprise.

"Yeah. How'd you know?"

"I get that way too once in a while. You and your S.O. have a blow-up?"

"S.O.? Sorry...."

"Oh, it means Significant Other. So... did you?"

Blair stared cautiously up at the young woman leaning one hip on his desk and pondered. He knew she was as far from a gossip as it was possible to get, so he decided to trust her with a simple answer.

"Pretty much. It.... let's just say it didn't end well."

"That's always when I get that "where'd I put it" feeling. Took me two busted relationships to figure out it wasn't a pencil or my calculator I was looking for. I had a hunch maybe you hadn't really lost anything either. Thought I'd save you some time." She told him, smiling with kindness.

"I think you're right. Thanks, Mai."

"No problem. Hope it gets better soon." She added as she moved to the door.

"It already is."

A few minutes later, just as Blair was considering what he would do for lunch, a soft knock on the open door brought his head up.

"Hey, Joel! Good to see you!" Blair shouted, jumping up to hug the big man.

"You too, kid. How are you?"

"Better now. C'mon in."

"I actually stopped by to treat you to lunch. You got time?"

"Yeah, I do. My next class isn't 'till three. The campus caf alright?"

"That'll do."

"Great. Let's go."

Grabbing his jacket and pack, Blair joined Joel at the door and the two men strode toward the elevator.

15 MINUTES LATER

"Joel, man..... don't. Let's just order and eat and talk about happy stuff, okay?"

"We need you, Sandburg. You know we do. Outside of Simon, you're the smartest guy in the department."

"I'm not in the department anymore."

"That's the problem."

"No. The problem is Jim and I being in the department together. It won't work."

"Come in and consult on weekends when he's not there."

"Jim's a workaholic. You can't guarantee he won't work Saturdays. Look.... I've made my choice. Please drop it."

Joel hesitated, then spoke quietly, determined to fire one last shot.

"Okay. If that's what you want, but...."

Blair sighed and dropped his menu for a moment.

"But what?"

"Promise me you won't give up on him completely. Keep your heart open for him, even if all you can spare is a tiny corner."

"Joel..."

"He's not hopeless, Blair. Look at all the changes you made in him in just a couple years. He might still wake up."

"It's too late. He's too late."

"Blair... c'mon. It's not such a big promise."

Sandburg lowered his eyes briefly, spent a moment deep in thought then met Joel's gaze again.

"No. I guess it isn't. I promise, alright? As long as I don't feel like I'm cheating Bri, I promise not to totally give up on Jim."

"Okay." Joel responded, visibly relieved. "Now... what's good on this menu? None a'your healthy stuff, either."

"Why not? You've done so good losing the weight."

"I know, an' I'll get back on track tomorrow. Today I'm celebrating."

"Celebrating what?"

"Gettin' that promise from you. It means Ellison hasn't screwed himself completely."

"Damn it, Taggert...."

"I know, I know. You and Rafe are together now. I care too much about the both a'you to interfere. Doesn't mean I can't work on Jim, though. What did you say was good in this place?"

Blair opened his mouth to admonish his friend further, but stopped himself, knowing it would do no good. Despite his air of authority and ability to command, lead and intimidate, Joel Taggert was a marshmallow and a matchmaker at heart and would not be deterred.

"They make a really good bacon cheeseburger according to J... I mean, one of my students told me they do."

Joel grinned and tactfully didn't mention the slip.

"Ellison? What are you doing here? Rhonda said you called in sick."

"I'll be gone in a minute, Simon. I just needed to pick up something." Jim replied, digging in the back of a desk drawer. His captain realized almost immediately what he was looking for. There were only a few things Jim kept in that particular drawer and only one of those few Jim could be after right now.

"The cabin? You haven't been there since right after you and Carolyn divorced.... God, no. He didn't. Tell me that long-haired hippie weasel didn't break his promise to me! I'll wring his neck with one of those thongs he uses to tie his hair back!"

"I told you something was wrong.... told you that speech he made yesterday sounded hinky, but you wouldn't let me go. I could've stopped him, changed things... not now. Now it's all on my head.... gotta think.... figure out how to make it right...." Jim growled, his tone furious, but tightly controlled. Finally he straightened up, a set of keys clutched in one hand. He rose swiftly to his feet and stormed away, pushing Banks aside.

"Jim, there's no phone up there! At least tell me you're taking your cell with you!"

Reaching into his pocket, Jim tugged out his phone and threw it against the nearest wall, smashing it into fragments, but never broke his stride. Megan, hearing the device shatter, hurried up to Simon.

"What the hell was that all about?"

"He didn't say it.... but I think Blair moved out of the loft."

"No! He wouldn't! How could you even think that?"

"Jim has a place... a cabin. He built it after his divorce. His life was collapsing around him, things didn't make sense.... he needed a place to have a private mental break down. He hasn't been there since he met Blair. He'd never go back unless he thought...."

"Oh... oh Lord. Sandy, you fool...."

CHAPTER 8:

Frail / Five Candles

Jars of Clay

(Dan Haseltine, Steve Mason, Matt Odmark,Charlie Lowell)

Convinced of my deception, I've always been a fool I fear this love reaction just like you said I would. A rose can never lie about the love it brings, And I could never promise to be any of those things

If I was not so weak, if I was not so cold, If I was not so scared of being broken, growing old I would be...
I would be....
Frail

A promise or a dare?
I would jump if I knew you'd catch me.
Staring over the edge,
I can't tell if you'll be there for me.

I close my eyes and make a wish,
Turn out the lights and take a breath,
Pray that when the wick is burned,
You will say it's all about love....

LATE THAT AFTERNOON

"C'mon.... You know you want to. Just say it."

"Bri! God, no.... I'm still on campus!" Blair said, glancing around him to be sure noone was in earshot. Despite his protests, he knew he'd give in to his lover's request and he didn't want anyone else to overhear.

"Then say it really quietly. Sexier that way anyhow."

"Man.... okay, okay. So.... what've you got on?"

"Nothing but my socks."

Blair smothered a laugh as he walked to his car.

"Now I know that's a lie! You don't get out of work for half an hour!"

"Maybe I'm in the men's room.... touching myself and waiting on you. Ever think of that?"

Sandburg stopped dead in his tracks, mouth hanging slightly open and his eyes shining with desire and frustrated lust.

"You are such a creep." He accused as he got moving again.

"I know." Rafe replied gleefully.

"Where are you really?"

"Out front catching a breath of non-recycled air. By the time you get back to the apartment tonight, though, it'll all be true.... oh, and I'll throw in two glasses of sparkling grape juice and "Air Supply's Greatest Hits" in the stereo."

Once again, Blair was shocked into stillness for a moment, this time in the middle of starting his car. The keys dropped from his fingers and he had to search for them before he could try again.

" "Air Supply?" How did you.... Megan. I will rip her apart with my bare hands..."

"It's not her fault. I just asked her what kind of music you liked. She mentioned a couple groups then she told me, and I'm quoting here, 'Sandy once told me that Air Supply makes him melt into a big sticky puddle on the floor' unquote."

"I can neither confirm nor deny the allegation. All I'll say is that Connor has a big mouth and she will pay for her indiscretion."

"You still heading to the library?"

"Yeah. I should only be about two hours. Less if I can't find some cold water to splash on my face... and other places. You really are a creep."

"I resemble that remark. See you later."

MAJOR CRIMES: A FEW MINUTES LATER

"Sir...."

"I should be back by tomorrow morning. If I'm going to be late, I'll call, alright?"

"At least let someone go with you. Knowing the mood he was in one or both of you might end up needing help."

"I can't. I'm the only other person who knows where his cabin is and it's staying that way. If he needs anything.... I'll see he gets it."

"You're absolutely sure? He didn't act like he wanted company."

"He's getting it whether he wants it or not. I let him go through building the place all by himself and I've regretted it ever since. I won't do that to him again." Simon explained as he tugged his coat on and hurried out of the bullpen, passing Rafe, who was on his way back in.

"Where's he going?"

"After Ellison."

"Part B of the question; Where's Jim?"

"Off somewhere in the woods bellowing and shooting poor defenseless trees, I think. He called in sick earlier, but then he showed up, grabbed a set of keys from his desk and stormed out again. Captain Banks says he's got a place he goes when he's walkin' the edge."

"His divorce cabin. Shit...."

"Yeah. That about covers it."

"He never goes there anymore. I can't believe.... I really didn't think he was hurting that bad. I didn't know... didn't want to know."

"It isn't your fault. You haven't done a damn thing wrong."

"Haven't I? When I went after Blair.... I was only thinking about me. I never stopped to think what it would do to the two of them..."

"You didn't steal Sandy away! When you made your play, as far as you or any of us knew the young one was fair game. Ellison had no claim on him except as a friend, and he let his stupid jealousy turn that to ash as well. You've stepped on noone's toes, Brian, especially Jim's, though he might think otherwise."

"I guess. Blair and I... I can feel it really building into something long term. We both want it, but if it's gonna kill their friendship..."

"If it does, it's Jim's responsibility. He's the one acting like an idiot, not you. Don't you dare give up a fabulous guy like Sandy to spare Ellison's feelings. He's a big boy, he'll learn to deal with it."

"He hasn't done too well in that department so far."

"It hasn't been that long, either. Give it time, yeah?"

Rafe breathed deeply and gazed at Megan thoughtfully.

"You're probably right. I just hope he's alright. If he gets hurt up there before Simon can get to him.... No. Like you said he's a grownup. Whatever happens, he can handle it."

DUSK: THE CABIN

One-handed, Jim swung the hatchet down with a fierceness that practically shattered the chunk of firewood he was chopping instead of merely splitting it. Brushing aside the remnants, he set another section of log on the block and decimated that one as well. Over and over he repeated the process until his arm was almost too heavy to lift any longer. Wearily, he gathered the fuel for that night's fire into his arms and trudged into the cabin.

He dropped the pile into the large box by the back door then stood still, his head down, his breathing ragged. After a moment, he turned, walked a few steps and crouched by the hearth, staring into the dusty, empty space that would soon be filled with flames and warmth.

Won't get where I need it most, though. Why the hell did I let it get this bad? How could I push him away like that? Yeah, I was afraid, but.... that's no excuse, damn it. No excuse at all.... I know Caro was right. I don't trust easily.... and going inside myself for the answers is something I suck at. Problem is, that's the only place left to look, so.... I have to give it a shot. Well, I've got peace and quiet and about forty-one hours to fill. Might as well get to it.

Moving back to the wood-box, Jim pulled enough kindling and large pieces to get him started, then returned to the hearth, laid and lit his night's fire and sank onto the stone, exhausted and sad. While the blaze grew, he stared out at the growing darkness beyond the front windows then he switched his eyes to the fire, which was now roaring to his satisfaction. The heat brought welcome relief to his chilled hands and he held them a foot or so away, rubbing and flexing fingers stiff with work and the early autumn temperatures.

Within a few minutes, he felt his body begin to relax as troubled thoughts and the stress of the situation at home slipped away. As his mind became more and more entranced with the leaping, flickering flames, eventually his wrists bowed and his hands dropped onto the river rock Jim had used to create his hearth. Sliding into a zone-out, he failed to realize how close his fingers were to the fire, and when a stray spark escaped and singed the back of his left hand, he never flinched.

For Jim, the fire, the cabin and the mountains around him no longer existed. He was peripherally aware of what was happening, but his weary body and mind couldn't muster enough energy to care or to stop the zone from becoming complete. By the time Simon reached him nearly an hour later, both of Jim's hands were blistered and red, and all his friend could do was extinguish the flames, drag the insensate man into his still running car and race to the nearest hospital.

EARLY THE FOLLOWING MORNING:

"Simon? Yeah... what? No... Okay, okay. I understand, mate. Alright. I'll tell the crew. You need a hand? No, it's fine. I swear. No worries. Be there as soon as I can. Yeah. Okay, bye."

Hanging up, Megan dialed the station, telling them that due to an emergency, she, Simon and Jim wouldn't be in until afternoon, and possibly not at all. She then dialed Rafe directly.

"H'llo?"

"Brian. Is the young one awake?"

"No."

"Good. Keep your voice down and don't disturb him then."

"It's Jim, isn't it? Damn it, I hate being right...." Rafe whispered harshly, sliding out of bed and moving into the living room.

"He's not badly hurt. A few second-degree burns is all. The captain says he's catatonic, though. Won't talk or move or look at anybody.... he can't get him to come out of it."

"God... I'll wake up Blair and we'll hit the road..."

"No! Banks was real clear on that point. No more guilt for Sandy. If Ellison recovers, then we'll tell him. You're to stay here and see he knows nothing, right? I'm goin' up to meet Captain Banks and see what I can do to help."

"Megan, I can't. Jim's his best friend..."

"No more guilt. The kid's got enough on his shoulders as it is."

"Yeah.... I get the point. Keep in touch, though, okay?"

"I will."

THE HOSPITAL

"Captain?"

"Hey Connor."

"Is he any better?"

"No. The doctors say the burns will heal fine. He might have a little scarring, but... nothing too bad. He still won't come out of this damn zone though..." Simon groused partly to himself.

"Zone? What does that mean?"

Simon looked at her sharply then, realizing that he'd slipped up, dropped his head and sighed.

"It's... it's just a term the two of us use. Sometimes Jim... slips away from the world. Sandburg could always bring him back just by talking to him. He was the only one who could stop it before it got this damn far..."

Megan suddenly gasped. Simon turned back to her, his eyes silently questioning her.

"Back home, the aborigines tell stories... I always thought they were nothing but legends."

"Go on."

"There are supposed to be a few special people in the world who've been lifted up by the ancient gods. They're stronger an' higher than ordinary men, but less than the gods. The abos have a word... it translates as something like "the between". It's always pairs. One's given the power, and one acts as a controller so the one with the gift doesn't get overwhelmed. The story goes that if they lose their guide... the gods punish them for it."

Simon swallowed hard and croaked out a single word.

"How?"

"By taking the gift back... and their soul with it. They end up like Jim is now...."

Simon flinched slightly, paled and turned his attention back to the silent, motionless man in the bed.

"Yeah, well that may be what it looks like... but that's a myth. Nothing more. Jim's in there... somewhere. We have to figure out how to get him back, that's all."

Megan looked around, found a second chair and pulled it up beside Banks.

"Have you tried talkin' to him? Telling him what Sandy does?"

"I tried... I had no idea what to say, and whatever Blair says to him has always stayed between the two of them. I wouldn't even know where to start..."

"Then tell him what it's like outside. Describe this ugly box of a hospital room, throw out some jokes you heard on the telly.... we have to do something so he knows we're here and we won't let him go without a fight."

"I guess. I'm desperate enough to try anything."

Megan smiled at him and saved him the embarrassment of starting first.

"Hey, Jimbo. We're here, right beside you. You really need to wake up so we can all get the hell outta this hospital, mate. The walls... pea soup green and dark brown. Worst combination I've ever been forced to look at, an' as much color sense as you've got, I know you'd hate it. C'mon, Ellison... don't do this. Please..."

"She's right, Jim. This room is nasty. Don't make us stay in here too much longer. Besides, you don't snap out of it, you'll miss the Jags pre-season. I got us passes to watch the first practice of the year. They drafted that rookie.... Brian Stanford. He's supposed to be the best thing since Doctor J. You can't miss that..."

DINNERTIME: RAFE'S APAPRTMENT

"Blair? What's up?"

"I don't know.... it feels like my "Save Jim" alarms are going off, but last I knew he was fine."

Brian lowered his eyes, rose and took his plate and silver to the sink, daring to speak only when his back was to Blair.

"I'm sure you're right. That was the last I heard too."

Blair, never one to be terribly slow on the uptake and well used to what half-truth sounded like, joined his lover in the kitchen.

"Tell me the truth, Bri. You've been holding out on me, haven't you?"

Rafe sighed, laid down the fork he was washing and turned to Blair.

"Baby.... don't, okay? You can't help him anymore."

Blair's expression turned from concern into anger and he stalked away, moving back toward the living room with animation born not out of his usual joy, but out of sheer frustration.

"Damn him... What happened?"

"I can't."

"What? Why?"

"Cap and Megan said to keep you out of the loop for now. They both think you've got enough guilt weighing you down... and I agree."

"Yeah, well that's not their decision to make or yours either, damn it. Now tell me!" Blair insisted, whirling around to face the other man again. Brian moved to his lover's side, took his arm and guided him into a seat on the couch.

"Jim has a place up in the mountains.... he only goes there when things really get messed up and he needs a place to decompress."

"His cabin."

"You knew?"

"I heard about it, but Simon wouldn't tell me where it is. He claimed long-time-confidante-privilege."

"Jim went up there yesterday. Simon lit out after him not too much later. By the time he reached him... Jim was catatonic and had suffered a few mild second-degree burns. He's in the hospital..."

Blair leapt up, but Rafe tugged him right back down. "Blair, stop...."

The younger man fought the grip on his waistband for a minute or two then surrendered, giving the couch cushions a vicious backhand slap before collapsing into Brian's arms with a quiet sob.

"I have to go help him... I'm the only one who can. He knows that, too. I could almost believe he did it on purpose... isolating himself like that when he's completely aware how vulnerable he is..."

"To what?"

Blair stared up at his lover, deeply conflicted over how much to reveal, but eventually, he decided Rafe could be trusted with the truth.

"You have to swear not to let this go any farther than you and me. Promise?"

"Yeah, of course."

"Okay.... see, Jim and I... we're not like everybody else...."

CHAPTER 9

Much Afraid/Tea and Sympathy
(Dan Haseltine, Steve Mason, Matt Odmark, Charlie Lowell)

Empty again, sunken down so far.
So scared to fall, might not get up again. So I lay at your feet all my brokenness. I carry all of my burdens to you.

All of these things, held up in vain,
No reason no rhyme, just the scars that remain. Of all of these things, I'm so much afraid, Scared out of my mind by the demons I've made...

Fare thee well,
Trade in all or words for tea and sympathy. Wonder why we tried, for things could never be. Play our heart's lament like an unrehearsed symphony...

Not intent
To leave this castle full of empty rooms Our love the captive in the tower, never rescued, And all our victory songs seem to be playing out of tune...

But it's not the way that it has to be, Don't trade our love for tea and sympathy, no... It's not the way that it has to be...

The following morning, Brian left for work at his usual time, leaving an exhausted and harrowed Blair in bed, finally asleep. He didn't head for the station, however. He'd left Blair, who luckily had a rare day off, a note telling him he'd be on stakeout all day, but that he would be home by five. Brian then got into his car and headed for the mountains. Once he hit a straight stretch of highway, he pulled out his cell phone and called Simon.

"Banks here."

Cap. It's me."

"Rafe? Something wrong down there?"

"No. I took a personal day. I'm coming up there."

"No, you're not."

"I'm already on my way."

"Then turn around, damn it!"

"Blair explained everything to me last night... what Jim is, what they are to each other. I love Blair, Captain, and if Ellison dies..."

"I know. The kid's gonna feel like following Jim out, no matter what we offer him to stay. I wish there was something we could do, but Sandburg is the only one who's ever been able to rescue him."

"He told me that too, but right now Blair is sad and confused and in too much pain to handle this... so it falls to me."

"You're not his Guide, Rafe..."

"You don't think I know that?" Brian responded, his voice tight with repressed emotion. " I always knew there was something with the two of them... something special. I just wish Blair had told me before we got this far..."

"Oh, hell no!" Banks spat, sensing Rafe's intentions clearly. "You listen to me, Rafe, and you listen good! You will not, I repeat not give Sandburg up. You'll only hurt him worse if you do."

"Yeah, well... right now I can't afford to think about that. What I'll be losing doesn't matter. Jim can't live without Blair... literally."

"We'll find a way to wake him up, Rafe. Don't do this..."

"I have no choice. Now are you going to give me directions to the hospital or risk one of your best detectives driving around the mountains lost?"

90 MINUTES LATER

Rafe quietly entered Jim's room and moved to stand beside the bed. Inside him, anguish and fury were burning, but his face was calm and composed. Simon laid a hand on his shoulder and spoke solemnly to him, hoping to change his decision.

"Brian... this isn't the right thing to do and you know it. More loss is the last thing Blair needs to deal with."

"He's right. If you let him go, it'll destroy Sandy..."

"Don't worry, guys. I had a lot of time to think on the drive up. I've got a different idea. Would you leave Jim and I alone for a while? We need to talk."

Simon nodded and left, dragging Megan with him, despite her protests. Rafe dropped into the chair the Aussie had vacated, hung his head and began speaking. "Hey buddy. It's me. I know you can hear me, wherever you are right now. Blair told me the whole story. I understand what it was about you guys that I could never put a name to. You need Blair in order to live in the world and stay sane... I get that. That doesn't change the fact that you're a selfish, coldhearted son of a bitch. How dare you do this to him? Huh? What gives you the right? You know what he said to me when he found out that you were lying up here in a coma? He told me he could almost believe you came up here alone on purpose. He said you were completely aware of how at risk you were... and you did it anyway. I really wanted to tell him he was probably right... but I wasn't about to add to the weight he's already carrying."

Rafe broke off, breathing deeply to foster his slipping self-control. "He was unbelievably pissed at you... and so am I. Thing is... I know that whatever I feel, it doesn't change what has to be. Driving up through the mountains, I was determined to let him go... to just give you back your life support, whatever it cost me or Blair, but as I was pulling into the parking lot... I realized there was another answer. You can't have him back, Jim. Not completely. He's loving, and compassionate and intelligent... and his soul is one of the brightest I've ever come across. I need him as much as you do now. I have no idea how this will work... or if it will at all... but I'll share him with you. This will depend on his approval. And yours I guess, though leaving you out of the process is sorely tempting. Of course we can't even get your opinion on the subject until you wake up, you blind deaf and dumb jackass... so I'm going to try and make that happen."

Shaking slightly, Rafe rose to his feet and pulled the thin blanket down Jim's body. He glanced over his shoulder, reassuring himself that noone was about to enter, then lifted the hem of Jim's hospital gown up to his waist. Silently, he thanked God for the former lover with a passion for sex in public places who had taught him how to make a hand-job satisfying while getting it done as quickly as possible.

"Blair also told me that when he has trouble reaching you, physical stimulation usually gets your attention if nothing else will. He rubs your hand or your shoulders... sometimes your face. I think maybe you're down too deep for those to have any effect this time. When you open your eyes and realize what I've done you'll probably have me arrested for sexual assault... and you wouldn't exactly be wrong. I just hope you'll understand that I'm doing this for all three of us..."

Alone, crouched down and sunk deep in the lightless void his mind had become, Jim slowly lifted his head. For the first time in what felt like months, sound penetrated the place where he hid from the world. Someone was calling his name, but it seemed to echo only in his head.

"Who are you..."

' Rise and join me, Sentinel of the Great City. I would instruct you. '

"No... I'm tired... and I can't see."

' Of course you cannot. You have surrendered your compass and no longer know the way. '

"I didn't surrender Blair! He left me!"

' Unwillingly. '

"I know that..."

' Stand, James Joseph Ellison. For the moment I will light your path. '

Slowly, cautiously, Jim rose to his full height, shielding his eyes as the area where he stood became gradually visible. He was unsurprised to find himself in the familiar jungle where so many of his visions had taken place. The temple stood tall and imposing before him, but this time a lovely woman with short dark hair waited for him on the steps. Her flowing gown was a deep reddish purple and it covered her from neck to foot, except for her arms and one bare shoulder. He moved a step closer, but was admonished.

' No. Stay there. Watch and understand. '

Jim smiled as his spirit animal, the sleek, powerful black panther loped down the stairs and lay down a few feet from where he stood. A large gray wolf, the animal that had chosen Blair, soon joined it but instead of dropping on the ground close beside the panther, it sat down several yards away. Jim's smile vanished, only to be replaced by a deeply confused expression when a third animal appeared. A young cheetah picked its way over the tumbled stones at the back of the temple and stopped at the woman's hip. She stroked its head once then gestured for it to move down the steps. It hesitated, looking to her for guidance.

' Be at ease little one. You have chosen the true path. Do not be afraid to follow it. '

The cat chuffed softly and Jim swore he heard sarcasm in its tone. The woman turned her gaze briefly to Jim then looked back to the young animal at her side.

' He can be difficult, but he is learning. He will teach you much if you open yourself. You must remember that what is meant often hides beneath what is said. This is especially true with this Sentinel. Go now. '

The cheetah rubbed its head against the woman's leg then slipped down to the ground. He looked at the panther and then at the wolf, as if he was undecided, then he lay down almost exactly in the middle between them. If he was perhaps an inch or so closer to the wolf than to the other, it was judiciously ignored in favor of once again addressing Jim.

' Your path has turned in an unexpected direction, Sentinel. Do you turn away, or do you accept the challenge it presents? '

"I have a choice?"

' Always. If you refuse your destined path, choosing to live without your Guide, you will remain here until your spirit leaves your body. '

"Are you saying there's noone else? There isn't one other person in the world who could Guide me?"

' For some there are second chances, but you and Blair Jacob Sandburg are ones set apart; a rare Sentinel and Guide meant only for each other. Your destinies are tightly woven together and despite your foolish attempt to destroy that pattern, it persists. Now a new thread is added, increasing the strength and beauty of the tapestry that is your life with your bonded Guide. '

"I did some serious damage. I don't know if it can ever be repaired."

' You must return home if that question is to be answered. Do you accept the turning in your path? Will you accept the weaving of a new force into your life and the changes it will bring? '

Jim stood very still for a long moment, replaying the past weeks in his mind. He reviewed all the mistakes, all the anger and miscommunication on both sides. Then he looked up and answered the stranger simply.

"I do... I will."

"C'mon, Jimmy. Don't do this, damn you.... don't do this to him, you bastard. You leave him now he'll never forgive himself and I swear I'll kill you before you can die on your own..."

Jim's orgasm struck moments later and both men received intense shocks. Jim woke suddenly, struggling not to hyperventilate as he readjusted to the world around him. Just as abruptly, reality dissolved for Rafe and he found himself on a vast, empty plain standing in yellow grass that reached past his knees. A noise to his left made him turn that way and he found himself facing a snarling cheetah. Before he had time to string two thoughts together or even consider running, the animal sprang at him and seemed to go through him, but when he whirled around, panting and wild-eyed, the cat was nowhere to be found.

"Rafe... what the hell..." Jim gasped out as he watched the other man collapse to the floor and curl in on himself, shaking like a frightened child. Not knowing they had both screamed loud enough to wake the entire floor, both men stayed where they were even as Simon, Megan and two nurses slammed into the room. The Captain's instincts took over immediately. He assessed the scene, determined noone was dead or fatally wounded and ushered the hospital staff back out. When he returned, he crouched down and laid a hand on Brian's back.

"Rafe. Talk to me. Are you okay?"

"Simon? What's going on? How did I get here... and why are my hands bandaged?" Jim asked, finally sitting up.

Simon looked up and grinned.

"Good to see you, Jim. Wasn't sure if I ever would again. Hang on a minute, okay?"

"Yeah... I guess."

By this point, Rafe was slowly recovering and pulling out of the ball he'd wrapped himself in. He looked around warily as if he wasn't sure where he was.

"Hey... you alright?" Simon asked.

"I... I think so. God... what the hell was that?"

"What?"

"I don't know... one minute I was standing beside the bed... the next I was in... I don't know where. I.. I was standing in tall grass and... I heard a sound. I turned and there was a... a cheetah not three feet away from me. He jumped right at me... at my chest... but he didn't impact. It was like.. I was a ghost and he went through me. I looked around but he'd just... disappeared. Hell of a thing to hallucinate..."

When Jim spoke quietly from above them, both of the other men turned their eyes to him in wonder.

"You didn't imagine that, Rafe. It was real. Sort of, anyway"

"What? What are you saying?" Brian asked as Simon helped him stand.

"First you guys explain this." Jim replied, waving at his rucked up gown and the mess that covered his thighs and groin. Simon glared at the younger detective.

"And it better be damn good."

"Blair told me everything about the two of you... how you're a Sentinel and he's your Guide. He said sometimes if you focus too much on one sense, you fade out... go catatonic. If it gets bad he touches you to help ground you and bring you back. I figured you were too far gone for a backrub or an Indian burn to do any good so..."

"So you jacked me off?" Jim growled, heat rising in voice and face.

"You're right to be mad. I understand that. It was the only thing I could think of..."

"You had no right to touch me at all!" Jim bellowed, pulling the blanket back up to cover himself.

"Alright you two, quiet down or I'll smack you both bloody." Megan warned, finally joining the conversation. "Now what about this Jimbo? If it wasn't imagination then what?"

Jim exhaled powerfully and forced himself to calm down.

"Blair and I have both had... visions before. He can explain it better than I can, but the bottom line is that we've been adopted by animals that represent us on the spirit plane. Mine is a jaguar, Blair's is a wolf. Sounds like Rafe's been chosen too."

"Chosen? Chosen for what?" Rafe asked, a touch of fear in his voice.

Jim sighed and looked to Simon.

"Would you go call Blair, sir? Let him know I'm alright and I'll be back in Cascade sometime this afternoon. And tell him I need to talk to him."

"He still at your apartment, Rafe?"

"Yeah. He had a rough night, but he should be awake by now."

"Okay. I'll be back inside of half an hour. You two start beating on each other you'll answer to me, got it?"

"Yes, sir." Jim responded automatically.

"I understand, Simon."

"Good." their captain said, stalking from the room.

"You two mind if I stay? I'd really like to hear this." Megan requested. She received only non-committal grunts in reply, which she interpreted as ' If you want to', so she snagged a chair and sat down close to the bed.

"Okay... talk, Jim. What, exactly, have I been chosen for?"

"Just before I came to... I had a vision of my own. I saw the jaguar and the wolf... and your cheetah, laying between them."

"I never wanted that, Jim. I didn't know how it was with you and Blair..."

"I know you didn't. That isn't what it meant. I was told... that my path is changing direction. You're a part of our destiny now. Blair's... and mine."

Rafe was silent for several minutes, staring out the window on the far side of the room and thinking deeply. Finally he spoke again, but he wouldn't meet Jim's eyes.

"I was talking to you when I first got here. Did you hear or understand anything I said?"

"No. When I'm in a deep zone out, the world could be in nuclear winter an' I'd never know."

"I told you that you couldn't have Blair back completely... but knowing how much you needed him just to get by in the world... I was willing to share. Are you telling me that wasn't my idea? That something... or someone dropped the thought in my head?"

"Maybe they planted the seed... but we still have free will. I had a choice to accept you in my life or to not come back at all and die without ever seeing the real world again."

"I guess I don't have to ask what you picked."

"Now the only one left with a choice to make... is Blair."

CHAPTER 10

Lost In You/ My Love Tells Me So
(Gordon Kennedy/Wayne Kirkpatrick/Tommy Simms)

There's no more waiting,
Holding out for love.
You are my Godsend,
That I have been forever dreaming of,
My angel from above

What is this feeling
I've never known before
That I should dare to
Swear to surrender evermore
That's what I came here for...

Heaven knows
I'm head over heels and it shows
I've played every field I suppose
But there's something about you
When you're around
Baby I have found
I get lost in a wonderful daze
Lost in your wonderful ways...

(Original lyric was two hearts, but it's a small change for the sake of continuity...)

You don't have to cry when I say good-bye, good-bye You know I'll be coming back real soon
And when I do, you know
It will be such a sweet hello

Rising like the sun above the skyline, sky line Love is brighter than ever before
And that should be understood
When I said I do you knew I would

Some things can be good forever
My love tells me so
Three hearts can be one together
My love tells me so

Let me lay your head upon my pillow, baby Whisper what you need to me, my dear (my dear) Don't worry, close your eyes
Morning will find me by your side

Spoken:
(Give me a chance and I'll sing for you I have a song for you
To be with you is a dream
I dream of you)

ONE HOUR LATER:

"Detective, Ellison, I really think..."

"I promise I'll check in with my own guy when I get home, okay, doc?" Jim asserted, frowning at Simon as the police captain buttoned his detective's shirt for him and helped him carefully pull on his jacket.

"Your hands..."

"Will be fine." Simon assured the frantic physician. "He'll be on sick leave for a full week and on desk duty for two more after that. That'll be enough time, won't it?"

"It should be. What I was going to say is that his hands aren't what really concern me. To emerge from a coma as suddenly as he did is highly unusual..."

"You checked him over thoroughly." Rafe reminded the doctor. "You said he's perfectly normal. That means he can go."

"I'm leaving no matter what anybody else says." Jim grumbled. "I'll go AMA if I have to... anything to get out of here."

"You won't have to resort to that." the doctor assured him. "I'll sign your release forms. Just please, be careful for the next few days. No stress, no alcohol and plenty of rest."

"No worries, doctor. I'm sure we can organize a week long 'Sit On Ellison's Chest' brigade to keep him still." Megan suggested.

"Joel will be the first to volunteer." Simon responded, suppressing a laugh.

"Your forms will be waiting at the desk. Am I right in thinking if I send in a wheelchair it'll be thrown out the window?"

"You learn quick, doc." Jim grunted in reply.

"Right. No chair. You're a very lucky man, Mr. Ellison. I'm very glad to see a happy ending to this. Take care."

"I will. Thanks."

After zipping his jacket, Simon helped Jim onto his feet and steadied him until his legs seemed able to support his weight.

"You okay?"

"I'm good. Be better when I see Blair... but I'm good."

"Okay. Let's hit the road people."

TWO AND A HALF HOURS LATER:

OUTSIDE RAFE'S APARTMENT BUILDING

Connor and Simon had followed Rafe back to the city in their individual cars and, after a few admonitions from the captain and good luck hugs from Megan, they hurried back to work to catch up on what they'd missed, leaving Rafe and Jim standing alone in the parking lot.

"Jim?"

"I know... waiting won't make it any easier."

"Gotta love unintentional irony. I was going to ask if you wanted to hold off for a while. You've been through a lot these past couple weeks, never mind the last two days. You have to be tired..."

"I am, but I can't put off fixing this any longer. Besides, he has to know what we learned in our visions. It affects him too."

""Right... God, I'm still reeling from that. I haven't thought about it for so long. Visions, familiars on the spirit plane instead of on this one..."

Jim turned a raised eyebrow and a confused expression on Rafe.

"Familiars?"

"Animal guides and companions. Didn't you ever study the Witch Trials in school?"

"I didn't study much of anything in school."

"Man, this is like a flashback to my childhood. My grandmother was deep into all that... other world stuff. Practicing witch, shaman and holistic healer 'till the day she died. She tried to teach me, but... I was too young to pay much attention. Later on I pulled away from my mom and dad... left Gran behind in the process. I really regret that. I see now that I could have learned a lot from her... things that might have prepared me for the road I'm about to walk."

" We're about to walk. It's the three of us from here on."

"Yeah... true. Well, let's go see what number three is up to." Rafe sighed, heading towards the door. Jim hesitated. "What?"

"I hurt him so many times... What if he doesn't wanna try again? If he's made up his mind..."

"He can be stubborn, I admit that. We just have to make him understand what you saw and what you think it means. Maybe if I hear it again it'll help me too. C'mon... no time like the present."

Jim heaved his own sigh, looked down at his hands and moved up to join Rafe, walking beside him.

"He's never gonna let me live down these burns. I'll be nagged from now 'till next New Years Eve..."

Rafe nudged Jim playfully with an elbow.

"And you'll deserve every word."

"Yeah, yeah..."

A few minutes and a short elevator ride later, the two men arrived at Rafe's apartment. Brian looked back at Jim, as if reassuring himself that the older man wasn't about to run for his life. Jim scowled and gestured for his companion to open the door. Blair was curled up on the sofa nearly asleep, a thick textbook spread open on the cushion next to him. When Jim entered, however, Blair's eyes opened wide and he bounded onto his feet. For the briefest moment, his expression was the embodiment of joy and relief, but it soon devolved into confusion, followed by anger.

"What's going on? Bri, I thought you said..."

"I didn't lie. Not about Jim, anyway..."

"No stakeout."

"No. You were so furious and... I couldn't make it any better, so I went up to see if I could do anything to help Jim."

"I don't understand. How did you... I thought I was the only one who could bring you back, Jim."

"Yeah, well... things change. I'm starting to get that finally."

"Change..." Blair repeated warily.

"Come sit down, baby. Some really freaky things happened in the hospital and we need to tell you about it."

Cautiously, Blair reclaimed his place on the couch and the other two joined him, Rafe on his right and Jim on Brian's right, exactly as their counterparts had lain in Jim's vision. For the next half hour or so, Blair silently listened to his friends alternate telling the story of what they'd experienced in Jim's hospital room. When they'd finished, Blair stood and began to pace the living room, but he still didn't speak. This was unusual enough that both of the others were worried.

"Blair?"

"Chief, you alright?"

"I don't know. Whoever set you and I on this path, Jim... whoever made us what we are is suddenly giving me everything I want and need. Can it possibly be that easy?"

"I think it was supposed to be. You two had it right from the start. Somehow you knew what to do and you had the guts to go with it. I'm the one who screwed up the grand cosmic plan. I let my doubts and fears take control instead of listening to my heart. I know now what a colossal mistake that was. I'm not so afraid anymore. I can give you what you were asking for..."

Blair took a step back toward the couch then halted himself forcefully, frowning and shaking his head.

"No..."

"I'm tellin' you the truth, Sandburg. I'm not holding anything back."

"I never said you were, Jim. It's just... I'm not sure I can trust you."

"What?"

"You want me back in your life... I want that too, but I don't know if I can risk it. Today you say you're willing to open up and show me how you feel. That gets you what you need, you get your Guide back... but what about tomorrow?"

Jim rose and moved swiftly to stand before Blair, the one person in the world he was meant to be with. Gathering his courage and all the energy he had left, he raised his head, met and held Blair's eyes

"Hold out your hand."

Blair complied hesitantly. Jim reached out for his partner's wrist and stroked his bandaged hand over the delicate skin.

"You remember that Friday night... all you were asking me to do was this... and I was too afraid to even go that far... too afraid that if I touched you I wouldn't ever wanna stop. Love has always been a disaster for me, Blair. My mom didn't love me enough to stick around... after she left my dad took all the love he had left and locked it in a vault somewhere. Carolyn... we had something special, but it was wrong place, wrong time..."

"Your abilities."

Jim nodded.

"We both thought I was going nuts. I knew she was scared for me, but I couldn't talk to her about it... pretty soon I wasn't talking about anything at all. The stress was too much..."

"Jim..."

"No... lemme finish, please. That woman in my vision made it real clear. I could change or I could die. I made my choice. Now you have to make one. I... I love you, Blair. Rafe and I both wanna be a part of your life."

Finally hearing the words he felt like he'd waited forever for, Blair gasped then fought to pull enough air back in to ask a final question.

"The vision... she said it's meant to be?"

Jim closed his eyes, struggling to recall the words exactly. As he spoke, every trace of skepticism vanished from Blair's expression.

"For some there are second chances, but you and Blair Jacob Sandburg are ones set apart; a rare Sentinel and Guide meant only for each other. Your destinies are tightly woven together and despite your foolish attempt to destroy that pattern, it persists. Now a new thread is added, increasing the strength and beauty of the tapestry that is your life with your bonded Guide."

Jim was startled a moment later when he felt a hand laid gently over his and Blair's.

"Rafe."

"Well, baby?" Brian said softly, addressing Blair. "Can you handle this... the three of us together?"

"Like I said... it's everything I've been dreaming of and thought I wasn't allowed to have. What about you?"

"If it means there's a possibility I might get to see James "Hardbody" Ellison's stunning cock one more time... hell yeah. I'm in." Rafe agreed, grinning.

Blair frowned.

"One more time? What's that supposed to mean?"

"Shit... I didn't... You said physical stimulation gets to him when he's zoned out and he's not hearing you..." Rafe explained, backing away.

"So?"

"Go ahead, Brian. Tell him the brilliant idea you had to wake me up." Jim encouraged, smirking as he dropped onto the couch once more.

"Yeah... tell me..."

"Blair... I was doing it for all of us, really..."

"Doing what?"

"I... I jacked him off."

"Details. I want details..." Blair insisted, backing his lover into a corner and grinning as he planted a heavy duty kiss on Rafe's mouth. Brian instantly relaxed, realizing Blair wasn't mad after all. A moment later he realized he also now had, potentially, a second lover. His life had just become twice as complicated, but also twice as joyful and exciting. He shot a prayer up to heaven to increase his stamina, growled and pushed back at Blair, deepening the kiss. Jim, watching from the couch, chuckled and threw up a similar prayer.

Epilogue

That's The Way...

That's the way (that's the way) I remember it I remember it that way
From the day I was living there
I remember it that way

Some of our stories fade as we grow older Some get sweeter every time they're told That's the way (that's the way) I remember it that way....

See? Told you you'd hate me. I admit, I was a bastard and stupid to boot. But I redeemed myself, right? Right. That's what counts.

The end of the story won't take much longer to tell, so hang in there, okay? Blair moved his stuff back in with me so he could stop paying storage fees, but he lived off campus for a while. Once he felt like he'd asserted his independence and knew what it was like to support himself, he started living with Rafe. A couple of months later, an apartment opened up here that was twice the size of Rafe's and not that much more expensive, so they took it. We only live one floor apart, and I really like it. I get to have my space back, but Blair is still close enough that I can feel like he's always with me.

Blair never rejoined the department. He still consults once in a while. Everybody misses him, but he says it was the right decision for him. He's moving up fast at Rainier, making more money, so... maybe he's right.

Okay, so when I talked about "he" at the beginning I wasn't just talking about Blair. I had my first time the night they finally finished moving into their place one floor down. With both of them at the same time. God, if Carolyn could have heard me that night... I think I said I love you about twenty times... at least. Of course I said other things too, which I won't repeat here.

We really are happy, finally. Rafe and his cheetah get along really well, but he wishes it would stay out of his dreams. It likes to play tag and he never sleeps real well on those nights.

What? Naughty fun time? I don't think so... alright, alright. Let's just leave it here... that first night, I was still having trouble using my hands... so Rafe secured them so I wouldn't be tempted. It turned out to be amazingly... stimulating. That's all I'm saying.

That's it. Stupidity, jealousy, romance, sex and, ultimately, the redemption of the tragically flawed hero. What more could you ask for, right? Right. Good, glad you liked it. Now go home before I arrest you for loitering.

Jim Ellison

End Hearts and Bones by BuffyAngel68: buffyangel68@yahoo.com
Author and story notes above.

Disclaimer: The Sentinel is owned etc. by Pet Fly, Inc. These pages and the stories on them are not meant to infringe on, nor are they endorsed by, Pet Fly, Inc. and Paramount.