Not mine, no monies, and see my page for the yadda, yadda, yadda

Thanks to Roxanne for letting me play in her angst-ridden sandbox!

This story is a sequel to: The Way Things Are

The Way Things Should Be

Author: Jvantheterrible
Date: June 22nd - 23rd, 2002
Disclaimer: Not mine, just borrowing, no monies & stuff... Rating: NC-17, for language and angst and explicit M/M relations Notes: Thank you VERY much to Roxanne for permission to do a follow up to her brilliantly angsty story, "The Way Things Are". You RULE, girl! Thanks for smacking my muse around a bit.

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We finally get up off the damp grass, not saying a word to one another as we both head for our respective vehicles. I break the silence first, my voice cracking from emotion and stress and relief and a myriad of other things that I'm sure Blair would be able to catalog in a heartbeat - but I just want to get home, so I ask him if he's going straight to the loft.

"Yeah man, why? You got plans?" He asks me with a gleam in his eyes and a half smile across his lips as he unlocks the Volvo's driver's side door.

"I was just checking, Chief. Just wanted to make sure that's where you wanted to go," I tell him as I unlock the truck's door and wait for his answer.

"There's nowhere I'd rather be, Jim. See you in a bit," he tells me as he hops into his little green 'classic', starts it, and pulls out onto the freeway. "Me neither, Chief," I say aloud to myself as I hop into the truck and rev it up, speeding through the park's now-deserted parking lot so I can catch up to my partner. Remembering the gun that Blair tossed into the creek, I get on my cellphone and call it in anonymously to the local authorities, who assure me that they will retrieve it so that no one comes across it. That done, I concentrate on getting home in one piece - physically and emotionally.

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On the lengthy drive home, I think about the past couple hours' events and then ruminate further, going over the last several years in my mind. The Sandburg Years; I chuckle a bit to myself at that. Aside from this past week - no, the past few weeks, these have been the best fucking years of my life. The time I've spent with this man has changed me...my entire world has done a 180, and I think about the words Sandburg said to me back in that park. I can hear his voice as though he's sitting next to me in the cab of the truck, and it comforts me as we speed home.

'How could you think I don't love you, Jim' he'd asked me, those bright blue eyes shining in the dark, his heart beating erratically in his chest. 'I fucking died for you. I've taken bullets for you, jumped out of planes for you, for Chrissakes.' Yes, he has done those things for me. All of those things and more; so much more that I can't believe how I could have missed it all this time. For all the times I touched him - out of concern, or fear, or affection, or comfort - he was right there, giving it right back to me. How much of an ass am I? Am I really that damaged from my past and my inability to have a lasting relationship? Yes, James Joseph Ellison, you are. You are damaged, and you have had a rough road to walk, and you have had to do things that most human beings would go insane from. Whether it be Special Ops all those years ago or just the day-to-day stresses of being a cop, and add to that the bonus of five heightened senses...so yeah, you've been through the wringer. Pity party number 531 for you...but what about Blair?

Beautiful, talented Blair Jacob Sandburg, with his endless energy and faith in you...do you think he's not just a tad bit damaged himself? Shit, it's not a fucking walk in the park to run around with you, you old jackass. 'Feel sorry for yourself all you want,' my subconcscious sneers to me, 'but don't forget what that man has done for you. What he's given up. And what he's going to continue to give up...just so that he can stay with you. Be in your life. Be your partner - in all things.'

So for the next half-hour, I think about that. I think about all the things Blair has given up for me. He gave up 10 years of education and blood, sweat and tears' worth of experience in human studies to follow my sorry ass around. His home was blown up...not directly because of me, no, but still...and that was just the beginning. He gave up his dissertation and the chance to be an instant millionaire to keep me safe. He gave up Rainier and his own fucking existence as he knew it to keep my secret safe.

He died for me, and how do I repay him? Yeah, that's right...by driving out to the middle of nowhere and threatening to blow my own head off. Way to show the one you love that you really truly care, Ellison. Never mind the fact that he came back from the dead for me. Never mind the fact that he worships the ground I walk on - always has, even when I tried to fuck Alex on that beach after she killed him. 'So before you go feeling all blue for your own sorry ass, why don't you think about Sandburg, and all the ways he's tried - albeit inadvertently - to show you just how much he loves you all these years?' I decide that I agree wholeheartedly with my inner voice. And that Blair Sandburg deserves one hell of a lot better than me...and he'll get it, if I have any say in it. And I will, just as soon as we get home.

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He beat me home by about five minutes, and as I walked past the Volvo, I could still hear the tick-tick-tick of the engine cooling. The lump that had resided in my throat for pretty much the last five days and had finally left an hour ago came back with a vengeance. This was it. Once I got upstairs, I had to cut Blair loose. He had to go have his own life, despite what he thought he wanted on my account. I couldn't let him give up anymore of his life to me, wasting away because I was his 'Holy Grail', wanting to take care of me just because no one else would...or could, but that's beside the point. Surely there's another Guide out there that can help me? Maybe I can read that Burton guy's book before Blair leaves and find out how I can take care of this senses shit on my own. Hell, maybe I should've done it years ago and we could have avoided this whole mess...

...but this is the end of all the could-have's and should-have's. I ride the elevator up to the third floor and walk with weary steps towards the home that we have shared for the past several years, resigned to telling him he must find his own place. I'll give him two weeks to find somewhere, and then I can...I'll just...well, I'll think of something. I usually do, after all...and just look where it's gotten both of us. No, I won't let him sacrifice his body to me.

He's given me everything else and more - more than you could possibly expect from another human being, and I will not take this last thing from him. This last piece of him that he would willingly give to me because it's what I want...I won't do that to him. I'm not that selfish anymore, and I guess that will just have to be his greatest gift to me. One of many, for sure, but this will be the best thing, so my gift to him will be to let him go. He's left the loft's front door unlocked for me, so I push it open and close and lock it behind me. The moment of truth has come.

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"Hey man, about time you rolled in," he greets me with one of those special Sandburg smiles, his eyes shining with love as he looks up at me from the sofa where he's sitting, already patting the cushion beside him so I'll join him. "Got you a cold one, too." He turns back around and completely misses my mournful expression; I'm barely able to fight back the tears that threaten to once more run down my face. Jesus Christ, when did I become so emotional? My father would kick my ass from here to New York and back again if he saw me like this...especially over another man...but that's a whole other can of worms that I don't even want to pursue at the moment - if ever.

"Blair," I begin, my voice cracking so badly that I stop and clear my throat loudly, trying to find the calm at the center of the storm raging inside of me. Several seconds later, I make my way to the sofa and sit down next to him, reaching for the beer he has waiting for me on the coffee table. "Did you say something, Jim?" He asks me innocently as he flips through the TV channels looking for anything of interest to watch. He takes a long sip of his beer, completely oblivious to the war of thought and turmoil going on inside me as he flicks past channel after channel.

"Blair, there's something I...I need to tell you something important, Chief." There, I got that out. I finish the rest of my beer in one long draw and set the bottle down with a loud clank on the table. Alarmed, Sandburg shuts the TV off and looks at me, and the gleam leaves his eyes at my expression. "What is it, Jim? I thought we just worked all this out, man." He sets his own nearly full beer down on the table next to my empty one and puts his hands on his knees, clutching the denim so tightly that his knuckles go white almost immediately.

"I know we talked, Blair. I know that you think this is what you want...hanging around with me, and trying to be whatever it is that you think I want...but - " as is customary with my motormouth roommate, he cuts me off and holds his hands up in surrender, "Wait Jim, come on, just -"

"Sandburg, please just let me get this out! Goddammit, this is all hard enough as it is so please just don't fucking talk and let me get this out, alright?"

"Sure, Jim. Whatever you want man, go right ahead," he says, his face already drooping, his eyes barely able to meet mine as he shushes so I can speak.

"Thank you, Blair." He winces at my use of his given first name, knowing that I only use it when something intensely serious is going on. This is not the time for my little nicknames or terms of endearment; this is it, and I am not going to prolong the inevitable. Come on, Ellison...I try to give myself a mini pep talk and fail miserably.

"Look...I've been thinking about everything that's happened these last few days...and I really think...I mean, I believe wholeheartedly...that it would be best if you found a new place to live. Sandburg, you're nearly 30 years old and you've spent the last four or so years catering to my every whim, making sure that I was alright, making sure that the senses thing was progressing - and what have you gotten out of it? You've gotten nothing for all your trouble. You've gotten shot, you've risked your life more times than I can count - hell, you even DIED - and all because of your association with me. I believe that it's time for you to move on, Blair. We've done all we can with this Sentinel thing, and I was thinking that maybe if you xerox'd some pages out of that book that I could handle it on my own, or maybe Simon could even - "

"Jim, look at me," he says, calmly and evenly, and I realize that I've been looking all around the loft - anywhere - to not meet his gaze. I look at him and am surprised beyond belief when he smacks me a good one right across the face, as hard as he can, and boy can he hit hard when he wants to.

"Goddammit, Sandburg, what the fuck?" I roar at him (more out of surprise than pain) as I touch the hot flesh of my cheek gingerly, watching as he leaps to his feet and begins pacing around the living room, much as I had hours ago before I left for the park.

"Fuck you, Jim. Just fuck you, okay? You think that this is just some...some fucking game? That you can just decide for both of us that we're done here? Because it doesn't work that way man, it just doesn't. I thought we had this shit all worked out at the park, but obviously you can't be left alone with your mind spinning for too long or you just revert back to the same old selfish bullshit. Don't look so shocked Jim, for Chrissakes - this is ME you're trying to brush off like so much lint on an old jacket or some shit like that."

I stand up, anger boiling up inside me over the fact that he just doesn't seem to understand that this is MY sacrifice, not his, "I'm trying to do what's best for YOU, Blair. THIS," I shout as I motion all around the loft, "THIS is not what's best for you. And I am most CERTAINLY not even close to being good for you. Jesus - look at what you've given up for me! You're ready to take a fucking badge and gun and go against every goddamn thing you believe in just so you can be by my side!"

"I love you, you asshole!" He screams back at me, "What would you have me do, Jim? Huh? You think I've invested all this time and energy and effort and everything else in you because I've got some fucking CRUSH? Are you NUTS, man?" His hair is flailing wildly with his movement, and his hands are dancing in midair as they punctuate each syllable that leaves his beautiful lips.

"You're not gay, Blair. I am. I've accepted it, and I've dealt with it, and it's what I am. It isn't what you are. It isn't WHO you are, and I'm not going to let you use me for some kind of experiment as to whether or not you might be able to handle that kind of relationship, all in the name of staying with me and being at my side 24/7. That's not what I want."

"You know what your problem is, man? Well I'm going to tell you. Right here, right now, I'm going to lay it out for you, so pay close fucking attention. You don't know what the fuck you want, Ellison. You have no clue what it is that you're after...relationship? No, it couldn't be that, because you always fail at that, right? And God fucking FORBID you want ME. How could you want ME, when I'm so straight and smart and hey, guess what? I'm a failure too, so that would be too close to what you consider yourself to be. No way you'd be able to handle that, right Jim? Too much like looking in the mirror when you try to look at me, right? RIGHT?" He shouts at me, and I shake my head at him and drop my gaze to the carpet beneath my feet.

"You're not a failure, Blair. I've failed you more times - "

"FUCK that, Ellison. You've never failed me. Not ONCE! Not even when Alex killed me, because you set that right. You always set things right, Jim, it's what you do. So why can't you set THIS right, man? Why can't you fucking understand that I love you so fucking much that it...it would kill me to leave you, okay? Bottom line. You might as well have let me blow my head off at the park if you're going to ask me to leave now, because that's how I'll feel, Jim. Honest. All the other crap aside, that is what it will feel like, and frankly I just don't feel like going through the rest of my life like an orphan with no home...just a shell of the person that I am when I'm with you."

I take a step towards him, flinching when he takes an equal pace away from me. "Blair," I whisper as tears flood my eyes and spill over, "Please, don't do this...don't give up your life for me...TO me. I...I don't deserve it...I don't deserve YOU," I sob to him, holding my arms open as though inviting him in, all the while verbally trying to push him farther away. When he makes no move to come closer, I drop to my knees and wrap my still outstrectched arms around my own middle. I drop my chin to my chest in defeat, knowing that this is it; I can't push him away anymore...I need him, God help me, I need him in every way that one person can possibly need and want another. Lucky for me he knows me as well as he does and he's not put off so easily by my blustering insistence that I don't want him around. Within minutes he's wrapped himself around me, on his knees as close to me as he can get, wrapping his arms around me and sobbing into my ever-thinning hair as I cry against his flannel-clad chest.

"No more Jim," he mutters into my ear as he kisses all the areas he can reach while he pulls me ever closer to him. "No more of this shit, okay? I'm here man, and I'm not going to leave you. Not ever," he says with a sense of finality and resolve that I've never heard or felt before in my life.

"They all leave me, Blair," I sob into him, wrapping my arms around him and holding him tight, "They all left...Sarah, and...and Mark...and even Carolyn...everyone leaves me," my voice is hoarse and choked, but he holds me. He nods his head against me and clutches at me as he promises me all the things that I've always wanted. He murmurs words of love into my ear as he holds me close, telling me that all those people are gone, yes, but this is the here and now, and he will never leave me.

His words and whispers and nuzzles and firm embrace surrounding me are all I need at this moment and he seems to know that, comforting me when I should be the one apologizing and making promises of my own. But he doesn't care about that; he's never been the selfish one, my Blair. He holds me for as long as it takes, and then some; until my sobs subside and he can pull us both to our feet and help me up the stairs to my bed.

I collapse exhaustedly and immediately onto my king-sized mattress, practically asleep as my head hits the pillows...but something is missing. No...not someTHING, someONE. I open my eyes in time to see Blair heading for the stairs so he can retire to his room, and I manage a single word. "Stay." He freezes where he stands, and for a moment I'm not certain that he'll answer.

After a very long minute has passed, he turns back to face me, his own eyes red and swollen to match mine...and then he smiles at me. He nods his head a couple of times before pulling off his flannel shirt and underlying tee, baring his hair-covered chest willingly for the first time to my Sentinel gaze. I reach out to him with one hand, watching as he kicks off his shoes and unzips and divests himself of his jeans. He reaches for my hand and allows me to pull him into bed, clad in just his boxers.

"Your turn, Jim," he whispers to me as he rolls onto his side on top of the covers and crooks his arm, resting his chin on his hand so he can watch me get undressed alongside him. I give him a bit of a grin as I reach down and undo my own jeans, thrusting my hips up so I can push the denim down over my ass and kick it off my feet, allowing my pants to fly unceremoniously to the floor next to the bed. I sit up briefly so I can take off my sweater and toss it off as well, finally in my briefs and nothing more as I slide back down on the bed, turning on my side so I can gaze at my Guide and soon-to-be lover.

"We should get under the covers, Chief. You're going to get cold," I warn him, my voice coming out deep from desire and the strain of sobbing for so long. He shakes his head at me a bit, smiling as he does so before replying, "I don't plan on being cold much anymore Jim," he says throatily as he pulls the covers up so we can both climb under.

He makes sure we're both underneath the mass of sheets and comforter before he makes the first move, sliding close so that his body is flush with mine and we're chest to chest with our arms around each other, his head cradled comfortably under my chin. I can feel the downy softness of his hairy front against my own smooth pecs and stomach, and I shiver a bit when he pulls me ever closer to him.

The sensation in itself is enough for me to Zone on...but with Blair here, safe in my arms and in my bed, wrapped around me willingly and more lovingly than I've ever experienced in my lifetime, I finally realize that this is the way things should be. Everything else will come in time...but for now, this is it. And as I drift off into sleep, I know that this is for keeps, and Blair will not leave me. My failures of the past are just that - past. The one thing I've been searching for all this time is resting alongside me and snuffling against my chest...and I've never been happier. All the rest will come in time; for now, this is all I need...and I realize, finally, that he is all I've EVER needed, on so many levels. I drift off into sleep with the feel of his lips against my smooth chest; he's still murmuring words of affection and adoration and promises that I can't wait to take him up on. Things that will all come in time. For now, this is the peace I've been searching and wishing and yearning for, and nothing can ruin it...tonight, or any other thereafter...of that much I'm sure.

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EPILOGUE

One Month Later...

He's got me face-down in the pillows again, rutting against my ass like the horny little devil I always knew he was. He's biting my flesh at the juncture of neck and shoulder, licking it tenderly whenever he decides to release me and allow me the relief of practically sobbing out my happiness, only to grip me once more, mere seconds later, with his teeth and tongue and arms.

This is my lover, Blair Sandburg. This is the Blair that no one else will ever know because he has sworn himself to me...no, to us. I can feel his hard-on, with the tip of his cock leaking precum against my hole as he tries to wriggle his way into my body - and my soul, yet again. I finally acquiesce and open my legs and my life to him, as I have for the past couple of weeks, and as I will for the rest of my life, never wanting more or less than all of him inside of and surrounding me, totally and completely.

"Jesus Jim, you feel so good...so tight, so...ooooohhhhhhh," he groans into my ear, his hands clutching my hips and holding me still so he can push into me until his balls are flush with the flesh of my ass. We've only done this a couple of times before, and I find myself more and more willing with each attempt; I can't express to him what it feels like - the fucking utopia that comes to fruition - each time he takes me.

When he's buried in me like this, he not only fills up all the empty spaces that have been vacant too long, he lets me know that he is here, with me and in me and around me like no other ever has been or will be again. I fucking love him so much, more and more each time he takes me, or allows me to take him in the same manner, or just simply falls asleep on my shoulder after a long day at the station. Strange, but even his unconscious drooling on me has endeared him ever closer to me!

He thrusts in and out of me, shoving the memories of all the failed loves of my life that much further away with each movement, replacing each empty space with ten times the love and fulfillment that I've been missing out on all this time. "Fuck me, baby, come on...oh yeah, that's it...harder!" I cry out to him, reveling in the sweat that falls from his brow and lands on my back as he pounds into me unforgivingly yet lovingly.

I relish the sight of his muscular arms as they strain to hold his bucking form atop me, wishing that I could watch his ass as those tight buttocks clench and unclench, only to clench once more as he pounds into my body. We both seek our release, knowing that we are both due back at work tomorrow, and knowing that for the very first time, we will be official partners. Partners - in the field, and at home, and in the same way that those assholes at work who have been betting on us have sworn that we have been all along...only now, they'll be right. But we're not telling.

"Come on baby, fuck me...harder Blair, harder...ohhhh yeah, right there...there...theretherethere," I cry out as his cock hits my prostate over and over again, and my legs and arms and entire being thrums beneath his onslaught as he drives himself in harder and faster. He cries out above me, some nonsensical words that end with the sound of my name on his lips, and I come, shooting into the sheets and mattress despite the fact that he hasn't so much as touched me during our intercourse. I feel him pulse into me at the same time, and I smile and allow myself to sob as I bite the pillow beneath my lips, all the while reaching around to clutch Blair's ass and pull him further into me so I can feel every tremor - every twitch...until he's absolutely spent.

"God," he gasps as he rolls off of my back and onto his side so he can look me in the eye.

"Nope, just me Chief," I tell him, and he cuffs me weakly on the side of my face as he huffs out a laugh and tries to get his breath back. "I love you, Blair," I tell him, my eyes shining with evidence of my proclamation. He looks at me for a long time, and I'm unsure whether he's gauging my sincerity or merely trying to regain his strength. Minutes later, he wraps himself bodily around me, and I find myself completely ensconced in Sandburg, his arms and legs twined around me so that I can't even tell where I end and he begins.

"I love you, Jim. My Sentinel. My partner. My other half," he says, and I find myself tearing up once again...only this time, I'm not embarassed about it. This time I know that it's for real; his words are for real, as his actions have been for the past several weeks - no, years...and nothing can separate us now. Not now and not ever, I promise myself - and him - as I roll him into my arms and snuggle against him, drinking in his scent and all that I love about him as I have for years now.

"And I love you, Blair. My Guide. My partner, and the other half of my soul. Rest now...we have work to do," I tell him as he dozes off. I find myself smiling as I close my eyes and follow Blair into Dreamland...where I know I'll be safe from now on, just as he is...because we're together. Now and always...just the way things should be.

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Anyone care to elaborate? HMMMM???? LOL...

End The Way Things Should Be by jvantheterrible: duranjaxter@comcast.net

Author and story notes above.

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