Chapter Text
What we have here is a failure to communicate.
Sandburg is a man of words. Oh, don't get me wrong. He's also a man of action; but when it comes to relationships, he needs the words to make it real to him.
I, on the other hand, am a man of action. I was brought up to believe that it was unmanly to discuss one's feelings, that it somehow made you weaker. Although I've broken away from a lot of my father's early training; this is one lesson with which I'm still struggling.
I love Blair Sandburg. And truth be told, he loves me. Not that we ever say the words or even do anything about it; but the fact remains, we love each other.
Blair shows his love in a million tiny ways: from using unscented deodorant, to watching what I eat, to tolerating my occasional bursts of irrationality.
You know what finally brought it home? The movie The Princess Bride. No, I'm not kidding. The beginning of the movie starts with Buttercup basically haranguing her poor farmhand. "Farm Boy, fetch me some water." "Farm Boy, fetch me that pitcher." And for every one of her bizarre demands, he simply replied, "As you wish." After some time, she realized what he was actually saying was, "I love you."
With Sandburg it was "Sure. No problem, man."
"Sandburg, get in here and pick these towels off the floor."
"Sure. No problem, man."
"Sandburg, will you stop with all the damn tests?"
"Sure. No problem, man."
"Sandburg, will you please toss whatever is in the blue Tupperware? It's humming in the background and I think we should kill it before it achieves sentience."
"Sure. No problem, man."
And one day, it just hit me. Blair Sandburg loves me. Now you would think that would have sent an ex-Ranger, ex-Black Op, straight, Major Crimes police detective into some sort of homophobic rage, but it didn't. Because like Buttercup, I realized that I, too, loved my Guide.
But no matter how many openings and opportunities I gave him, he simply would not say the words. This bothered me for a long time. Actually, it bothered me a lot, but then I took the time to seriously look at his childhood. Blair grew up with people not being in his life for very long. Naomi, God love her, being the free spirit she was and is, simply could not put down roots; and in the process swept her son along with her as the winds blew her around the world. Listening to Blair talk, you'd think it was a great way to grow up. He traveled the world and met some very interesting and important people, but it also taught him to be all surface.
That's not to say he's shallow, because Sandburg may be the deepest human being I've ever run across. No, what I've observed is that while he's friendly and people are drawn to him, he rarely gives anything of himself.
Sandburg has a kind heart; not only would he give you the coat off his back, but at least two or three of his shirts as well. It's just the generous soul he is. But for some deep dark reason, he has decided that he's not worthy of anyone's true affection. It probably had to do with people flitting in and out of his life. I'm not slamming Naomi. Okay, maybe I am, just a little. But how many men, how many father figures did she bring into Blair's life, only to have them leave with little or no explanation? You can't explain to a child that adults sometimes part ways because deep down inside the child is already blaming himself. If only he had been better. If only he had done something different. It's heartbreaking really.
Especially, because he doesn't think he has a right to be in my life. He still thinks I'm just looking for a reason to kick him out--again. And who can blame the kid. After all, I threw him out of the loft, leaving him vulnerable, unprotected.
He sees my bringing him back as something I did out of guilt. He opened himself to me afterward and asked me to join him in the water, but I froze. I couldn't say the words. Instead, I told him I couldn't take that trip with him.
"Sure. No problem, man."
When the dissertation was leaked, again words failed me and my old survival instincts kicked back in.
"I have to have a partner I can trust."
"Sure. No problem, man." He then sacrificed his entire professional life for me.
So now, it's a year later. He's made it through the Academy with flying colors and is now my permanent and official partner. I couldn't be happier. No, that's not true. Actually, I could.
I keep hoping that my actions will finally break through those walls of his.
For instance, observe.
"Sandburg, don't you have to be in court in an hour?"
"Crap," comes a muffled cry from his bedroom.
A furry haze of hair streaks into the bathroom and jumps into the shower. "Damn. Damn. Damn."
As the blur heads back to his bedroom, I go into the kitchen, toast a bagel for him and slather it with blueberry cream cheese. He loves blueberry. Of course, if he watched me put it on, he'd complain about the lack of nutritional value. But if I just do it, he appreciates the gesture. I wrap the bagel in a paper towel and grab a cold bottle of water out of the refrigerator. I pull a ten dollar bill out of my wallet and fold it in half, then stand by the kitchen island. Waiting.
The better groomed blur comes out of the bedroom, backpack slung over his shoulder, racing toward the door. I hand him the bagel and the water.
"Thanks, man. You are a saint."
I hand him the ten.
"What's this for?"
"Lunch. I've got the deposition over at the D.A.'s at eleven. I doubt I'm gonna get back in time for lunch."
He grins at me as he takes the bill. "You're the best, Jim."
I lean forward and kiss him gently on the lips. "Go get 'em, Tiger. Tonight's my night to cook and I'm feeling like stroganoff."
"Do I need to pick anything up from the store on the way home?" he asks, practically through the door.
"Nope. I've got all the ingredients here."
"Cool. See you tonight." And he's gone.
He doesn't even realize we kissed. It's not even the first time I've pulled that little stunt on him. Oh maybe, it'll come to him sometime later today. But probably not. It never has before. But I'm not despairing. Because I have all the time in the world. And Blair Sandburg loves me. And one of these days, I'll find the words or he'll understand my actions and it'll all work out. Until then, I can wait, content to have him in my life.