The guys aren't mine. I know, I lied. I'm in therapy and they're making me tell the truth these days. I'll put these guys back with I'm done. (Damn, I'm lying again.)

For my partner in crime, Tricia, S'Belle
For my Consultant, Lisa, Duncan's Twin.
For my beta and Consultant Mary, 'Slavedriver' Browne.

Warning!!!! Rape story. A lot of violence, but much more comfort, in my opinion. Just like to warn you.

Who Am I Now? Part 1
Patt

Summer, 1967

When the woman met him, it was like it was fate. It was meant to be. They had the same last name. How karmic is that? So they started seeing each other with the hopes that they would someday have a wonderful life together. She had plans to take him home to meet her family. Not that she had that much family, but she had wanted to bring him home, none the less. They had been having unprotected sex for about six months now in hopes to have a child. Finally, he asked her to go and see a doctor to see if something was wrong. That was the worst day of her life. The doctor told her that she'd never be able to have children. Then when she shared this with the man she adored, he told her that he had to look elsewhere. He needed heirs. The woman felt the first crack in her heart.

She was a broken woman in the following months. He never called her back. He never returned the calls that she made to him. He met someone within three months and they got married. The woman's heart was breaking a little more every single day as she watched the couple go through their new life. When she noticed that the wife was pregnant, that made things all the worse. The woman felt the second crack. The woman then watched them as they started their family and watched that baby grow to be two years old. Then she started making her plans. She was determined that the third crack would not take her heart. Instead she'd have something else to make her heart sing.

The woman silently climbed into the bedroom window and took the sleeping child out of his crib. Never looking back, she decided to make her ex-lover pay for the way he treated her. Just as silently, she climbed back out the window and went to the waiting car that was packed for the long trip. She'd been waiting for two years now, since he dumped her when they couldn't have any children. She was patient. The man would never dream that it was her that took that child. After all, he never thought about her anymore. His life with her ended when he found out she couldn't bear him offspring. She meant nothing more to him than a child bearing machine. He would pay and she, in turn, would get a wonderful child that she had always wanted.

As the woman pulled into traffic, she got on the interstate and took off for her new life. She had saved all of her money, so they could go quite far. She'd show this child how much she could love him. How happy he could be. They would travel and he'd see the world. Life was indeed wonderful. She had his birth certificate and a copy of all of his medical records. Including his shot records. Everything was set. She was now this child's mother. Having the same last name had been a blessing for her and helped get all of the info she needed to get before they left. She always wore a disguise. No one would ever know it was her.

Present

All of the Major Crime gang was at the graduation ceremony, happy as hell that Sandburg was finally one of them. He always seemed to fit in. Always. There were loud noises being made by all, except Jim Ellison, who sat quietly waiting for his new partner to accept his diploma. Once Blair picked it up, everyone watched as big, tough Jim Ellison wiped tears out of his eyes. But they couldn't really say anything, because they were wiping tears away too. Blair watched from the stage and thought, what a bunch of softies they are.

After the ceremony was over, Blair walked up to Jim and said, "so partner, how did I do?"

Jim pulled him into a really good, manly hug and whispered into his ear, "Sandburg, I've never been more proud of anyone in my life."

Blair pulled away from Jim and saw the tears there again and knew Jim would probably embarrass himself, so being the good guy he was, Blair said, "so, who is dinner on?" making everyone start to laugh. Including Jim.

"It's on me," Jim said sternly to Simon. "I don't want to hear any arguments, I'm paying. Reservations at the new Italian place, Simoni's, that Blair likes so much."

Conner leaned into Sandburg and said, "oh my, he called you Blair. He's sure mushy today, isn't he, Sandy?"

"Hey," Blair said back, "stop picking on him. He's having a hard time."

Everyone took their turns shaking hands with Blair or hugging him. But he was surprised past words to have Simon hug him. It just didn't seem like a Simon thing to do. But he figured it must be an old man thing. I'll just keep that little thought to myself, Blair thought smiling.

As they made their way to the restaurant, Jim said, "is that okay with you? The Italian place?"

"Oh yeah, Jim, that's great. You know how much I love it there. They have the best pasta in town but their vegetarian lasagna is to die for. So, yeah, you made a good choice."

"Good, Chief, because I wanted everything to be perfect for you. I don't tell you often enough how much you mean to me."

"Consider me told, tough guy."

Both smiling at each other, Jim pulled into a parking place and they got out to head into the restaurant.

Blair was almost bouncing. He was very excited. The classes had been hard. He'd had to work long hours and put in more than anyone else to show he could do it to the teachers and the other students. They all thought he was a fraud after all. But he had not only done well, but he had excelled in all classes. He was almost as good at target practice as Jim was. So, yeah, he was proud of himself and he felt great. He hadn't told Jim yet how well he did in all of the things he had taken. He wanted to tell him when they were alone. In the Major Crime crowd it would seem like he was tooting his own horn but not with Jim. He knew that Jim would be so pleased and proud.

While they were all sitting at the table, the Chief of Police came up and asked to talk to Simon. Simon excused himself and went off with the Chief. They all went back to ordering and teasing Blair. This was a great night.

When Simon came back, he said, "So, did anyone think to order anything for me, or do I have to starve?"

Laughing, Blair said, "I remembered what you liked the last time we were here, and I ordered that for you, Simon."

"Well, thank god one of you is a detective." Simon said with much wittiness.

Everyone laughed as they had drinks and waited for their dinner. Once they got their meals, they ate in quiet comfort. Everyone was happy. This was a great night. Simon broke the silence saying, "Well, does anyone want to know why the Chief of Police came down here?"

"I'll bite," Jim said sarcastically, "why was he here?"

"Well, ladies and gentlemen, we are in the midst of one of the finest students to ever graduate from Cascade Police Academy. Sandburg not only got the best grades, but he blew the teachers out of the water with his questions and his research. Everything was sent to Seattle to the FBI courses by one of Sandburg's teachers. He thought that Sandburg showed great promise, so he recommended Sandburg for the six month class in Seattle and Sandburg was accepted."

"Classes in what?" Blair said, honestly floored by this news.

"It's the new Forensics program and they think you'll be perfect for it." Simon said smiling proudly at Blair.

Blair looked at Jim and could see the odd look on Jim's face. "Well, I'm Jim's partner, Simon, I can't just leave him."

"Jesus Sandburg, this is a once in a life time thing. You can't screw this up. It's what you'd be great at. Profiling would come from this." Simon said with urgency.

"He's right, Chief." Jim said, "You need to go and check it out if nothing else. You might love it."

But Blair knew that Jim was just saying that. He vowed to talk to Jim on the way home or when they got home. One or the other, that was for sure.

"Okay, I'll see about it tomorrow, Simon." Blair finally said, giving in.

They all finished dinner and everyone noticed that Jim Ellison hadn't said one word since his saying Blair should go. One look at the detective and you knew he was depressed as hell, but trying to stay upbeat about the whole thing.

As they all went to their cars, Blair said, "Jim, give me your keys, I'll drive."

Jim handed his keys over and didn't argue, which was a bad sign to everyone. Blair took them and unlocked the passenger side and pushed Jim in. Everyone laughed at that. "Well, you gotta show these new partners who's boss."

"Sandy," Megan said smiling, "I don't think that anyone doubts who the boss is in this relationship."

Blair thanked everyone for the wonderful time and got into the driver's seat and started the truck. He pretended like he was going to hit something and Jim didn't say a word.

"Okay, tough guy, let's get this out right now. How much don't' you want me to go to Seattle?"

"As much as you don't want to go."

"But you know what Jim? I realized after I thought on it for a few hours, I might like that new training. It couldn't hurt. Could it?"

"Fine, then go."

"Jim, you're acting like a kid. What's wrong? Tell me, please."

"Blair, I've had a hell of a time with my senses while you were in the academy and now that you finally get out, you're going to be going away again. I guess I'm just a little worried that I'll not be able to be a cop for another six months."

"Jim, are you saying you weren't a cop while I was in the academy?"

"If Simon wasn't with me, or Megan, I was stuck to my desk. It was the pits."

"Tough guy, why didn't you tell me?"

"Stop calling me tough guy. I'm not tough, okay. I'm shaking like a leaf, Blair. I can't stand the idea of losing you. I know if you take that class they'll talk you into going into one of their programs. You're that good. I'm not tough. I'm scared all the time."

"Okay, Jim, I'm not going anywhere. If I decide to take those classes, I'll be back. Do I ever break my promises? Well, do I?"

"No, Chief, you don't."

"Okay, Jim, I think I might go to Seattle for six months. We'll deal with it. Do you understand me? And I'll call every single night, because I'm going to miss you like you would not believe."

"I'm so sure, Romeo."

"Well, if you know so much, Jim, how come you don't know that I haven't had a date in months?"

Jim looked over at Blair and said, "why haven't you?"

"I've had too much on my mind and I had to view some other options."

Jim smiled at him and said, "options?"

"Yeah, options, Jim. I want to think about us but not right now. I won't be able to leave if I think about it now. What do you think about that?"

"I think I'll gladly wait for you to get back and then we can talk about options. I like talking about options."

Blair and Jim smiled at each other and the rest of the ride was silent. Jim relaxed when he realized that Blair might have feelings about him. Because Jim sure knew he did about Blair. Hot damn, Ellison, you might get somewhere this time.

In the morning, Blair and Jim walked into the station and Simon yelled from his office, "Ellison and Sandburg. My office. Now."

Both men looked at each other and smiled and walked towards Simon's office and Jim knocked before they walked in.

"You want to see us, sir?" Blair asked sweetly.

Glaring at Blair, Simon said, "Cut the shit, Sandburg. The FBI class starts tomorrow, so they want you there tonight. They found you a place to stay. You'll leave tonight on the 4:32 flight."

"Wait a minute Simon, that doesn't give him much time to pack after our case load." Jim said.

"Well, Jim," Simon said, "That's because he's going to pack now. You're going to work on cases with Conner. She's your new partner for the next six months."

"Conner?" Jim asked incredulously.

"Got any better idea's Jim?" Simon asked sarcastically.

"No, sir." Jim said, "but I just want to state my problems with it."

"Noted." Simon said smiling. "Now get out of here. Sandburg, you go and pack. Jim will drive you to the airport."

"Okay," Blair said quietly. "I thought I'd have a few more days or something to think about it, sir."

"Listen kid, everyone gets nervous now and then, ask Jim. I bet he still does sometimes. I know I do."

"Yeah, Chief, I do get scared sometimes. Remember the talk we had last night. Everything will be fine."

"Jim, do you promise you'll call all the time?" Blair asked like a very young partner. Jim hugged him to his chest and said, "try and stop me, Chief."

As they both walked out, Simon smiled, he had a feeling that this might work out all right. For a change things seemed to be going pretty well for Ellison and Sandburg. A nice change of pace.

Blair went home and started packing everything he thought he would need. Hell, he didn't know what he would need. Picking up the phone he called Jim to ask something, "Ellison." "Hey Jim, it's me." Blair said.

"Already need my help, eh, Chief?"

"Yeah, I do. Actually, do I pack my weapon or what? I remember in the class they said, that I was supposed to take it with me, unloaded on the plane trips. I had to buy ammo once I got wherever I was going. But now I'm questioning what I'm supposed to be doing."

"Chief, calm down first. You've got it right. Unload your weapon and carry it with your registration and all of the information the airlines will need. In fact, call ahead so that they'll know and then you'll be sent through a special area for that. You'll do fine, Blair. Don't worry."

"Okay, go back to work. I have to pack."

"Bye, partner. See you at 3:00."

"Bye, Jim."

Hanging up he was smiling the biggest goofiest smile he just knew it. God, he loved that man. And packing seemed to fly by. He made sure and packed his cell phone and his charger. No way was he going to miss phone calls from the man, he now knew that he was in love with. Too bad they had to wait till he got home.

At 3:00 on the dot, Jim came walking through the door. "Hey Chief, sorry I couldn't get out sooner. Simon was keeping me there so I wouldn't bug you."

"Man, that is so unfair. I wanted to talk to you."

"Why, what's the matter? Nothing's wrong is there, Chief?"

"No, I just wanted to say a few things before I left. And now we don't really have time. Let's get this stuff loaded and we'll talk on the way there."

Jim watched him like a hawk while they loaded up the truck. Jim was scared that Blair was having second thoughts about the two of them. That would suck so much, Jim thought.

Once inside the truck, Jim said, "Okay, I can't stand it anymore. What's up?"

"Jim, I think that I'm in love with you. I don't want to start something before I leave, but could you come up to Seattle once a month?"

As Jim pulled up to a red light, he pulled Blair as close as he could to him with both of them having seatbelts on, and kissed him. "Does that answer your question, Blair?"

Blair laughed out loud as he said, "Yeah, man, that'll work just fine." At the next light, Blair grabbed for Jim and they kissed again.

"Blair, don't start something here. I don't want it to be like this. I want it to be something to remember."

"Jim, you don't think you'll remember me giving you a blow job in your truck at the airport?"

Jim almost swallowed his tongue. As he started coughing, Blair was patting his back laughing. "calm down, Jim. You'll give yourself a heart attack."

"I'll heart attack you. Stop it now, and I mean it, Blair. I want it to be special. Not fast and hurried and in the truck."

"All right, I got it, Jim. We'll wait till you come up to Seattle, is that okay?"

"More than okay, Blair. I can't wait. I'll go ahead and make the plans now, while we're here."

They talked about anything and everything the rest of the way to the airport and were both disappointed when the airport came into view. Jim had this feeling of dread that he couldn't quite put a name on. Maybe just being in love, you moron, Jim chided himself. As they unloaded the truck, Jim pulled Blair into his arms and said, "Chief, I'm going to miss you so damn much. You don't have any idea."

"Yes, I do, Jim. I love you so much. I need you a great deal and I'll miss you every bit as much as you do me."

"Jesus, Sandburg, I'm a sucker for sweet talk. I should have known you'd be good at it. I'll come up in three weeks, does that sound good?"

"Perfect, unless you want to make it two weeks." Blair smiled as they walked into the airport.

While Blair checked his bags in, got his security pass for the weapon, and got his ticket checked in, Jim bought his ticket to Seattle for three weeks later. This was going to be a long damn three weeks.

When they got upstairs to the gate, it was time to get on the plane. Blair had this sad look on his face. People surrounded them and Jim didn't care. He took Blair into his arms and just held him really close. He whispered into Blair's ear, "I love you, Blair. Don't ever forget that." Blair held on even tighter to Jim. He was on the verge of tears when people started clearing their throats. Jim said, "Chief, people are trying to load, they'll bump you if we don't let each other go."

Pulling away, Blair said, "Goodbye, Jim. I love you." Blair walked down the ramp and went into the plane. Jim could hear Blair's heartbeat and it was a little fast and he could hear little soft sobs. Oh Christ, you made the guy cry, Ellison. He watched through the window and saw Blair sit down. He could clearly see him. He could make out that Blair was saying I love you and he could clearly make out the tears falling down his face. Jim realized suddenly that Blair wasn't the only one with tears rolling down his face. As he turned around, he ran into Simon who took Jim into his arms and said, "I thought you could use a friend."

The two men walked out of the crowded airport and Simon asked, "so, are you gonna tell me what that's all about?"

"I'm in love with him, sir. I can't help it. It's not like we planned it. It just happened."

"Jim, did I say I minded? I love that guy too. Not in the same way as you do, but we all love the kid. We're happy for you."

Jim looked up at Simon and didn't see what he thought he would see. He didn't want to see his boss hating his choice. Instead he got to see his boss with a smile on his face and an arm around his shoulder, telling him that everything would all work out.

The walk back to the truck was quiet for both men. Finally, Simon said, "how about pizza at my house, Jim?"

"Sounds good to me, Simon. Thanks for everything. You're a really great friend to both of us. By the way, I've got to get four days off for Seattle in three weeks."

"I figured as much. I'll clear your calendar. Don't worry about it."

"Thanks again, Simon. I'll meet you at your place."

"See you there, Jim, drive careful." Simon hugged him quickly.

As Jim started up his truck, he realized that the time would go by fairly fast. At least, he had a lot of friends to help. Poor Blair will be there with no one. Shit, Ellison, he's never had a day where someone wasn't hooked up to him. Way to go, Jim. Get jealous before you even sleep with the man.

By the time he got to Simon's he was almost pissed off. As he walked into Simon's house Simon saw the look and said, "all right, Jim. What happened between the parking lot and here that has that look on your face?"

"Simon, I just realized that Blair's not one to take a commitment well. So, he probably thinks this is just something to do."

Simon shoved Jim onto the sofa and said angrily, "Ellison, shut up and listen to me for a moment. Blair is crazy about you. If he wanted to be with anyone else, he would have done it ages ago. And believe me if he had any sense, he wouldn't have fallen for a grouch like you."

"Gee thanks, Simon, for that vote of confidence."

"Then stop acting like an idiot. Blair's crazy about you. He'll wait, I'm telling you."

"Then I guess I'll wait and see if you're right."

"I guess you will, you moron." Simon whispered.

"Excuse me, Simon. Did you just call me a moron?"

"No, why would I do that, Ellison?"

They both laughed as they passed the time with talk of Blair and the other people in Major Crime. Once dinner was over, Jim left and drove home and called the hotel where Blair was staying.

Blair picked up his phone on the first ring, "Jim?"

"Were you expecting someone else?"

"No, I was just hoping, wishing and I needed to hear your voice."

"Well, same here. I'm getting ready for bed but didn't want to go to sleep until I asked you something."

"Ask away, Jim."

"When you said you wanted to try this with me, do you mean, just you and me? No one else?"

"Well Jim, usually, just you and me means just that. What did you think I was going to come up here and fuck everyone in sight?"

Jim could tell Blair was really pissed off at him and he had to try to diffuse this right away.

"Blair, I'm sorry. I'm being an ass. I'm really insecure about all this and it doesn't help that you're in another city without me. I'm sorry. I won't ever say anything like that to you again. And I would never think you'd just fuck someone."

"All right. As long as you know that this is not just some joke, Jim."

"Same here, Chief. I love you. I'm sorry I was jealous of nothing. But I've got to warn you, there might be more nights of this happening."

"Jim, I need to go to sleep and rest. You do the same. We'll talk tomorrow, okay?"

"Okay, Chief. I miss you already. I love you."

"I love you back, Jim. I can't wait for that three weeks to get here. I'm going to rock your world."

"Shit, Chief. Is this your idea of something to tell me to help me sleep. Cuz if it is, I have to tell ya, it sucks. Now I'm hard as a rock."

"Keep it hard until I see you."

"Very funny, Chief. Night."

"Night Jim. Sleep well and be careful."

As they both hung up, the sadness and loneliness hit both of them. Jim didn't know if he could wait for the three weeks, either.

Getting up from the chair, he got washed up and ready for bed. He went upstairs and slid into bed and went right to sleep. Shocked the hell out of Jim.

Who Am I Now? Part 2

The days were going by very fast. Everyone in Major Crime kept Jim busy and whenever anyone went out, they always asked him to join them so he wouldn't be so lonely, but he always went home to call Blair. Blair was always there in his room every single night.

It was almost time for Jim to go to Seattle and Jim was having a count down. Simon was going to pick him up in the morning and drive him to the airport. So, Jim packed a bag with enough clothes for five days. Simon had given him five days off. Jim found himself smiling like a nut as he packed the rest of his stuff. Oh yeah, Ellison, you got it bad.

That night he could hardly sleep. He figured that Blair probably was having the same problem, but they'd sleep when they got a chance once Jim got there. Smiling, Jim opened the door up for Simon and was surprised to see another man with him.

"Come on in, Simon."

"Jim, this is Agent Stuart Walker. He's from missing person's division in Seattle."

"Simon, you promised me time off so I could go and see Blair." Jim found himself almost whining.

"That's what he's here for, Jim, you better listen to him for a minute. I cancelled your flight and told Blair you'd be on a later flight."

"Just a fucking minute. What the hell is going on?" Jim asked, getting really pissed and scared at the same time.

"Detective Ellison," Agent Walker said, "if you don't mind, I'd like to fill you in on a case that's been open for a number of years and it has some bearing on your partner."

"Fine, what is this about?" Jim asked. "I need to know so I can get on a plane."

"Detective Ellison, 30 years ago, a child was kidnapped in Seattle. He was never found. His father worked for the agency, so we had fingerprints, but we still never got anything. Not living or dead."

"What the fuck does this have to do with Blair." Ellison asked temper flaring.

"That's what I'm getting to, Ellison. Guess what the missing child's name was? That's right, Blair Sandburg. We figured that was just a coincidence but guess who's prints match the ones in our data base for our agent and his child?"

"Holy fucking shit." Jim said as he looked over at Simon. "Simon, please tell me this isn't true."

"Jim, this is not only true, but Naomi never changed anything. She had the same name as the father. So, it was easy. He never knew, I'm sure, Jim."

"Simon, what the fuck are we going to tell him? Where the hell is Naomi?"

"Detective Ellison, we are looking for Ms.Sandburg as we speak. We are going to find her. She will be charged with kidnapping and there is nothing anyone can do for her now. Mr. Sandburg, your friend, has a family. He has a little brother, and two younger sisters."

"Oh Jesus, this just keeps getting better and better. What the fuck are you going to tell him? Please, tell me you haven't told him on your own."

"No, we decided we would talk to you and Captain Banks first. Now we must report this to Agent Sandburg as soon as we can. But we want you nearby in case Detective Sandburg might need a friend."

"Oh yeah, he's going to need a lot more than that." Jim said sadly.

"So what do we do now?" Simon asked.

"We're going to fly Ellison up to Seattle and then we'll go to his hotel room and break the news to him. Then we'll ask him to come and meet his family."

"You've got to be joking." Jim said, "oh yeah, that works. Tell him that he isn't who he thought he was all these 30 years and by all means, let's go and meet your real family."

"Well, Detective Ellison, do you have any better ideas?"

"Yes, I do." Jim said, "first of all, we tell him the news, which he isn't going to take well at all. Then you leave him alone for awhile so he can talk it out with me and we can make some decisions."

"Detective Ellison, his family has been looking for him for 30 years. Do you expect them to just sit idly by?"

"If they want to see him again, they'll wait, or he'll run. I'm telling you, Blair's not going to take this well. Naomi is all he's ever known. He loves his mom."

"That's not the point, Detective Ellison. He needs to meet his real family, and maybe you're not the right person to be going up there to do this with him."

Simon walked up to the two men that looked about ready to get into a fistfight and said, "all right, this will get Blair nowhere. Jim, you'll go up there and I'll come with you."

"Captain Banks, is that really a good idea." Walker said.

"Believe me, I agree with Ellison on this. I think this is going to throw Blair into such shock, he'll never come out of it."

"The important thing is, we tell him and as soon as possible." Walker said.

Jim grabbed his suitcase and started for the door and Simon said, "Jim come with me. Agent Walker has his own car."

"Okay, Simon." Jim said quietly.

As they were walking down the stairs, Simon's cell phone went off. He answered it, "Banks." Someone on the line said something and Simon said, "Okay, we'll be there in about 20 minutes. Hold her there and we'll talk to her. Don't let her out of your sight, Rafe."

Shutting his cell phone, Simon looked at Jim and said, "Rafe saw Naomi at a bar and knew she was wanted for questioning, so he asked her to come and see you. She doesn't know what she's there for. She thinks she's waiting for you."

Walker said, "Thank god, we got her."

Jim and Simon both glared at him. Because, after all, this man only cared about putting Naomi behind bars, which was the right thing to do, but these men cared about Blair and what this would do to him. This was going to get mighty messy. Jim could feel it.

Jim's cell phone went off and he opened it and answered, "Ellison."

"Jim, what the hell's going on?" Blair asked.

"Chief, where are you and what are you doing calling right now?"

"Well, you didn't show up at the airport and then I called the station and everyone is giving me the runaround. Are you trying to get out of this, Jim? Is that it?"

Jim could tell he was shaking, whether it was fear or anger, Jim wasn't sure. He didn't care. Either would hurt his love.

"Blair, you know I haven't changed my mind. Some things came up here but I plan on being there either tonight or tomorrow morning, okay?"

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, Blair, I'm sure."

"Jim, you never hardly ever call me Blair. Something's wrong isn't it?"

"No, Chief, nothing is wrong. I got involved in this messy case and it's just about to break. You wouldn't want me to leave it half taken care of would you?"

"Of course not. Take your time, Jim. I'm just glad you're still coming. I love you."

"Me too, Chief. Goodbye."

As Jim shut his cell phone, he felt like a major traitor. This was getting worse by the minute. What the hell was he going to tell Blair?

Jim and Simon drove in silence to the station and got out of Simon's car. Both men were in major shock over this whole thing. Who would have ever thought she was capable of something like this. Jim found himself hoping that there was just a big mistake made somewhere.

As they walked into the bullpen, Rafe walked up and said, "Sorry, Jim. I didn't know what else to do."

"You don't have to apologize, Rafe. You're not the one that took Blair away from his family." Jim said with such anger that Simon was afraid of what he might do to Naomi.

Jim walked into the interrogation room with Agent Walker and Captain Banks. No one said a word. Jim wouldn't even look at her.

"Ms. Naomi Sandburg?" Walker asked.

"Yes, that's who I am. Who might you be?" She asked quietly.

"Ms. Sandburg, I'm Agent Stuart Walker with the FBI." He said.

All of the color drained out of Naomi's face and she said, "I'd like to talk to Jim, please."

They left the room and Jim just stood there and Naomi said, "Jim, you have to help me here. Do you think that Blair wants me to go to prison? I raised him from the time he was 2 years old. I'm all he knows."

"Fuck you, Naomi. I can't believe you're trying to make me feel guilty."

"Jim, please, I can't go to prison. I can't live like that. It won't work. I wouldn't want to live like that."

"Naomi, did you ever think that Blair might have wanted to be raised with his real family? Did this ever cross your mind?"

"Of course it did, Jim. I'm not heartless. I had to think of these things, but he was too precious to me to give him up after I had him for one week. You have no idea what he's like to be loved by and to love."

"Yes, I do Naomi."

"Oh Jim, I always thought you two would make a great couple."

"I can't fucking believe this. You're in here for kidnapping and you're talking like we're on the dating game. What do you want, Naomi?"

"I'd like you to help me get out of here, Jim and I'll never bother Blair again."

"You know I can't do that. I wouldn't do it anyhow. You've destroyed two families with your sickness."

"Well, aren't you the high and mighty Ellison? Wasn't it you that forgave me after that fiasco with the diss? It was never Blair's fault, but you never would blame me. I know you have a soft spot for mother's. I know this about you, Jim."

"Not this mother, Naomi." Jim opened the door and asked the other men to come in. He informed them that Naomi had asked him to get her out of there so she could flee. Agent Walker read her her rights and arrested her. She was taken down, booked and fingerprinted. She was allowed to call a lawyer, but it was too late for that. She was guilty, she knew it, they knew it and the judge would soon know it. No way would they let her out on bail. Not if there was any justice. But justice rarely had anything to do with courts, believe it or not.

Jim didn't know why this upset him so badly, but he was close to tears. He had to help Blair through this and didn't have a fucking clue as how to do it. Once he found out about Naomi, he'd get on that plane and go to Seattle.

Naomi's lawyer got there and they went before the judge right away since it was a kidnapping case. The judge said, "I wish I could do more, Ms. Sandburg, but all I can do now is make sure that you never get out of here to take off and hide away without being made to pay for destroying lives. We can't try you for the kidnapping but we can hold you here for a civil suit."

Naomi started crying and tried to call out to Jim, but Jim walked out of the courtroom without a glance at her. He was so upset, angry, pissed, hurt and just heartbroken for Blair. How was he going to tell him all this?

Jim went into Simon's office and asked, "Do you mind if I get a ticket and go now, Sir? I need to go and see him and try to explain this to him before someone gets to him."

"Jim, that's fine. I've got tickets for the both of us for an hour from now. I made arrangements for you and Sandburg to have your own suite. I know you'll need to be alone."

On the way, could you advise me on how to handle this, because I don't have a fucking clue, Simon?"

"Jim, we'll have to take it one step at a time."

As the men left the bullpen, they drove silently to the airport and they got on board the plane. As the plane lifted off, Jim had tears rolling down his face. He was heartbroken for his love.

Simon slid his arm underneath Jim's shoulder and neck and said, "Come here, Jim. It's all right."

Jim turned into Simon and shook. Simon knew that he was crying but to anyone else, they wouldn't have a clue because Jim did it in absolute silence. Simon held him until they landed in Seattle. Once there, Jim pulled away and said, "sorry, Simon, I won't fall apart again."

"It's okay, Jim."

"No, it's not, sir. I have to stay strong for Blair. It's important that I'm strong."

"Jim, you'll do fine. I'll be there to help too. Okay?"

"Thanks for coming, Simon. I don't think I could have done it by myself."

As they got off the plane, Jim was ahead of Simon and Simon stopped to get his carry on bag, so Jim appeared to be alone to Blair who was waiting at the airport. He had called and found out when he'd be there. Jim didn't know he knew he was there but he saw him as soon as he got off the plane. Jim almost lost it when he saw that sweet face. Blair broke into a full run and jumped into Jim's arms. He had his legs around Jim's waist and held on for dear life. Blair glanced up while he was doing this and saw Simon come off the plane and he jumped down as quickly as he had jumped up.

"Blair, what's wrong?" Jim asked.

"Why the fuck is Simon with you?"

"We have some things to talk to you about. Don't worry, we have separate rooms."

As Simon waked up, he said, "hello, Blair."

"Oh god, something happened to Naomi, didn't it?" Blair started sobbing as he started running down the hallway of the airport.

Jim and Simon both took off running after the much younger man and they both knew that he was in much better shape. He could really run fast. Finally, Jim shouted, "Blair, Naomi is alive."

Blair stopped running and leaned against the wall until Jim and Simon caught up with him. Trying to catch their breath, Jim said, "now, will you wait till we get to the hotel so we can talk about this?"

"Simon, do you swear that my mother is alive?"

"Yes, Blair. We saw her not that long ago. She's fine."

"Would you stop calling me Blair, it's scaring the crap out of me. If Jim wasn't here, I'd say he was dead."

"Okay, Sandburg, is that better?"

"Yes, Simon, that's much better."

All the men walked quietly to Blair's car and got in with their luggage. They figured they would save it all for the hotel. There would be time then. Once they got to the suite that he got for Jim, they all walked in. Blair sat down and said, "okay, now I want to know what the fuck is going on."

"Chief, your Mom has been arrested without bail."

"What? You're joking right? My mom hasn't done anything to anyone."

"You're wrong, Chief. She did something really wrong to you. When you hear what it is, you can decide what to do from here on in."

Jim started pacing as he informed Blair that he wasn't Naomi's son, and that he had a real family in Seattle. Jim told them all about it and said his father worked as an agent for the FBI. This whole time, Blair just sat quietly and didn't say a word.

"Chief, are you doing okay?"

"No, I'm not doing okay. I need to be alone, okay?"

"Chief, I'm not leaving you alone right now. Please, don't make me leave you. Simon, would you leave us alone for awhile?"

"Sandburg, I'm really sorry about all of this and I hope you know that you can talk to me anytime you need to."

"Yeah, thanks." Blair said rather sardonically.

As Simon walked out of the room, Blair started throwing things around trying to hit Jim. Jim dodged most of the items, but a few hit him and he let them. It was the least he could do for Blair. Then the sobs started. Jim just stood by waiting for Blair to come to him. He didn't want to push him at all. Finally, Blair went into Jim's arms and cried so hard he felt as though his ribs were going to break.

"Jim, what am I going to do? Where do I belong now? Who am I now?"

"You're the same man that I fell in love with. You haven't changed just because you're parents have changed. Things will get better, Chief. Trust me. I love you."

This made Blair cry harder. Jim led him to the bed and they lay down. Jim just held him while Blair continued to cry. Jim almost started a few times, but managed to get it under control. Finally, both men fell asleep and didn't wake till about 2:00 in the morning. Blair woke up first and said, "Jim, hold me tighter, please."

Jim held him so tight he was afraid he'd hurt him. Blair started to kiss Jim and Jim pulled away. "Chief, I don't think we should do this right now. I don't want to do this because you think you need that. I want you to want me for me; not because your heart is broken."

"Fuck you, Ellison. I've been horny since I got here. Fine, I'll just go out and find someone that wants to fuck me senseless."

He tried to get up but Jim wouldn't let him get out of the bed. "Jim, let me up, right now. I'm not kidding. I want to get up."

Jim's lips came down to Blair's at that moment and Blair's breath was sucked into Jim's mouth. He loved the way Blair tasted. If nothing else, Jim could just kiss him and tell him how much he meant to him.

But Blair didn't want to stop at that. Before Jim knew what happened, Blair was on top of him, rubbing their cocks against each other. Jim tried to be strong, but it felt to fucking good and before long he knew he wasn't going to last long at all. "Chief, please, don't do this. Please."

"Jim, I want to fuck you. Could I do that?" Blair asked really quietly.

"Yes. I'd never say no to you, Blair."

Suddenly Blair started crying harder than ever. Oh god, I'm so royally fucked up, aren't I?"

"Chief, you're not the only one. None of us know what to do or say. We feel terrible because we don't know what to do about it."

"Jim, please, don't leave me over this. No matter what I say, okay?"

"Chief, I would never leave you for any reason. I couldn't live without you."

"Thanks, man."

"Blair, the Sandburg's want to meet you. Agent Sandburg has never stopped hoping and praying that you'd be found. They'd like to meet you but only if you're okay with that."

"Yeah, I need to meet them. Then I need to go and ask Naomi why?"

"Chief, do you want to go and see them tonight?"

"Jim, I want to see them now."

"Chief, it's only 2 in the morning. Well, okay, almost 3, but still the middle of the night."

"Call. I bet they're up. I want to see them now. Please?"

Okay, Chief, we'll call them and see if they're up." Jim picked up the phone and dialed the number off the paper that Agent Walker had given him. Someone wide awake answered on the first ring, "Sandburg's."

Jim told them who he was and wondered if anyone was up to meet with Blair. They informed Jim that everyone in the family was up and to come over as soon as possible. They were all waiting.

Jim got off the phone and Blair said, "let's take a shower, okay? Just a shower, but I don't want to be alone."

They did just that. Once they were dressed, they started off to the Sandburg home. Jim knew the address and where it was. Agent Walker had given him instructions on how to get there. This was going to be a fucking mess. Jim knew it. He could feel it in his bones.

They drove over to the house in silence. Blair got out and started up to the house. Jim could see him shaking beneath his clothing. Jim pulled him next to him and said, "I'm right here, Chief. Always."

"Thanks, man." Blair smiled up at him as he rang the doorbell of the gorgeous home that they now stood in front of.

The girl that opened the door was about 22 years old and looked like Blair's twin. She started crying and said, "Daddy, Mamma, it's Blair."

Blair just stood there not knowing what to do. They all went into the entry way and an older woman took Blair into her arms and said, "I knew that you would come home to us someday. Hello, Blair. I'm your mother."

Blair couldn't stand it anymore; he started crying. Jim tried to get to him, but Agent Sandburg said, "Detective Ellison, please let him be with his Mother. She has waited a very long time to be with him."

Then Blair met the entire family. First up was his mother, Elizabeth Sandburg, his father, Blair Sandburg Sr., Benjamin, 28, Rachel 25 and Sarah 23.

It was a sad homecoming. All the years missed out on. Then to find out he was a Junior when all these years, he tried to figure out whom his father was. Blair felt like this was probably the saddest day of his life.

Everyone moved into the living room and they all met Jim. Blair made it known up front that he and Jim were a couple and if they didn't like it, tell them now. No one seemed that upset about it. Blair Sr. said, "I could tell when he was so protective a little while ago. But he has a gentleness to him that I know you must see too."

Blair smiled and asked if they could meet tomorrow for dinner. They all agreed on a place and a time. Then Blair said, "I'd really like to go back to the suite now, Jim."

Jim shook hands with everyone and they ended up hugging him right after they hugged Blair. Sarah followed them out and said, "Blair, please don't leave town and never come back. It would kill Mama."

"We'll see you tomorrow, Sarah." he said, trying to smile.

The drive back to the hotel was almost too quiet. Once they got there, Blair crawled into bed and started sobbing. Jim took his clothes off and slid into bed with him; just to hold him. And hold him he did.

This was going to be a long, long battle. And Jim sure as hell didn't want Blair to be a casualty. He vowed that things would be better tomorrow and he just held on tight all morning long.

Who Am I Now Part 3

When Blair woke up the next morning, Jim wasn't in the bed. He got up and wandered around the suite and realized that Jim wasn't there at all. He's just off getting breakfast or something, Sandburg, stop panicking.

At that moment, the door opened and Jim walked in with coffee and donuts. Blair smiled at him and he walked over to Jim and kissed him. "Chief, if this is what you do when I bring coffee and donuts, expect me to bring them more often." Smiling, Blair pulled Jim down for more kissing. Jim was getting very turned on but didn't think that this was the right time for sex. Jim wasn't sure when the right time would be. God, I hope it's not too much longer. Then Jim got pissed off at himself for thinking about sex at a time like this. Ellison, you are such a selfish prick.

Blair took the coffee and donuts out of Jim's hands and pulled him into the bedroom. Jim realized what was going on and finally got his voice. "Blair, I think that we should wait to do anything until you have a few things figured out."

"Jim, were we not going to fuck each other senseless when you got here?"

"Yeah, we were, but things have changed somewhat, Chief, and you know it."

"Okay, let me ask a few questions. Do you still want me?"

"Of course I do. Very badly."

"And do you still love me?"

"Again, do you have to ask that, I adore you?"

"But do you still love me?"

"Yes, I still love you. I love you very much."

"So why wouldn't we want to fuck each other senseless if we still have those same feelings?"

"I don't know, Chief, but I think we should take it slow."

"Oh fuck slow, Jim. I'm horny and I want you now." He pulled Jim down onto the bed and Jim didn't really resist. He knew that Blair was right. They would have been fucking like bunnies if this hadn't have happened. Jim started getting into it now and was hard as a rock.

"Blair, I think I need to tell you something."

"Jim, unless it's that you want to do it right this second, can't it wait?"

"Chief, I'm serious here. I've never been with a guy before and this is scaring the shit out of me."

Blair started undressing Jim and had him naked in no time and Jim didn't seem to be suffering too much since his cock was standing proudly away from his body. Then Blair started taking his clothes off and did it slow. Jim was now drooling. He always wondered what it would be like to actually drool over someone. Well, now he knew. Blair climbed on top of Jim and started rubbing their erections together. Then, moving down Jim's body, Blair took Jim's cock into his mouth, while at the same time spreading Jim's legs apart. While he was sucking the life out of Jim, he stopped for a moment and licked his fingers getting them good and wet and stuck one finger into Jim's sweet hole. Jim about shot off the bed and just about came from the two-fold onslaught. Jim could count on one hand how many times he'd been sucked off and wondered where Blair had learned to do it this well. Questions he would no doubt have to ask him when the time came. Now just wasn't that time.

Blair took some lotion off the nightstand and started loosening Jim up with that. Jim was suddenly filled with the realization that Blair was going to fuck him. He'd never been fucked and wasn't even sure how he felt about it. Blair felt Jim shaking and new that Jim was scared. He kept whispering soft things to Jim in between sucking and touching. As he touched Jim's prostate with two fingers, Jim howled quite loudly and seemed to forget some of the fear.

Jim knew that Blair had done this before so he seemed to relax a little. Wasn't quite sure he liked the idea of Blair being with anyone else like this. God, this was so different than with a woman. Jesus, what is he doing now? Holy shit, if he keeps this up, I'm not going to last long.

As Blair pulled Jim's legs further apart, he noticed how easily Jim went along with it. Oh goody, I fell in love with a slut. Well, at least he's my slut. Smiling, Blair kissed the insides of Jim's thighs and Jim tried to open his legs up even more. *Oh yeah, he's ready, Sandburg, go for it.

Blair reached down and put lotion on his cock and put it at the entrance of Jim's hole. God, Blair was almost ready to come right now. This was a lot harder to do than to read about. Sliding the condom on, he pulled Jim's legs up and slung them over his shoulders and pulled Jim's ass up to meet his cock. Jim helped as much as he could and finally said, "Jesus, Blair, just fuck me."

That was all Blair needed. He slid into Jim and heard the hiss come out of his lover and stopped and Jim said, "hang on a minute, babe. Just let me slow down a little."

Blair waited until Jim said to move again, "Blair, you don't have to hold still forever, come on, fuck me."

Again, Blair didn't need to be told twice. He pushed into Jim this time making it all the way in and Jim made the noise again, but this time, Blair knew to hold still until Jim gave the okay to move some more. As soon as Jim's ass started moving, Blair started moving along with it. God, this is wonderful. Who would have thought it would feel this way. I have to ask Jim to do this to me next. That was Blair's last conscious thought as he pounded into Jim until Jim couldn't hold on any more and came all over both of them. Blair followed soon after.

Jim hugged Blair's body closer to him with his legs. Blair couldn't believe how that felt. It was the most wonderful thing in the world. Now he just lay on top of Jim and tried to get his breathing under control.

Jim brushed one strand of hair out of Blair's eye, and said, "I love you so much, Chief."

"Man, you have no idea how that felt, Jim. It was the most fabulous thing I've ever done in my life."

Jim looked at him and smiled and asked, "you've never done it before?"

"No, why? Did I seem experienced?"

"Yeah, you did. You have a way about you, Chief. You make everyone feel more relaxed about things. I was scared to death, but it was the best time of my life too."

"Jim, I want you to fuck me next."

"Right this second, Chief?" Jim looked at him with pleading eyes as if that could possibly help in any way.

Pulling out of Jim, Blair jumped up and went to the bathroom, pulled the condom off and discarded it and got some washcloths. Getting between Jim's legs, he started to clean up the mess all over Jim's belly and thighs and could see the interest starting in both of their cocks. "Chief, not right now, okay? I need more time that that to recover."

"Blair leaned down and took Jim in his mouth and Jim hardened in a second. Before long Jim was pushing his hips up in time with the sucking. Pulling the cock out of his mouth, Blair said, "what was that you were saying about needing more time?"

"You little shit. So, I guess you're going to kill me, aren't you?"

"Never, babe. I want you to fuck me now."

Blair flipped over on his back and spread his legs and Jim decided to do everything just as Blair did. He was a little clumsy as first, but got over it, as it seemed almost like second nature. Before long he could take almost all of Blair's cock into his mouth. "Jim, I'm not going to last very long if you do that."

"So come for me now. Come now, Blair."

And he deep throated Blair making him come so fast Blair felt as though his head would explode. "Holy shit, Jim, what the hell was that?"

"Payback." Jim just smiled as he took Blair's cock back into his mouth and started sucking and started putting one finger at a time into Blair's hole. The lotion was still sitting there so they were all set. Blair was moaning and then Jim found Blair's prostate and Blair was rock hard in an instant. Blair started begging, "Jim, please fuck me now. Please?"

Jim made sure that Blair seemed good and loose and then stopped long enough to slip a condom on and pushed in a short way before he stopped. Blair was taking deep breath's and telling Jim, "come on man, work with me. If you zone, I swear, I'll hunt you down."

Jim started laughing as he pushed into Blair a little more. Before long, he was in all the way and started up a nice slow rhythm, but Blair wasn't having it. He wanted it fast and hard.

"Jim, fuck me harder, fuck me now."

Well, no one ever said that Jim Ellison couldn't follow orders. He started pounding into Blair and at the same time stroking Blair's cock with his hand. Blair put his hand on Jim's and they worked Blair's cock together. Blair was getting so fucking close and didn't want it to end. "Jim, could we slow down and make it last?" Jim smiled and said, "Paybacks are hell." Jim continued to pound into Blair, hitting his prostate each and every time and Blair was the one howling this time. He came with a huge scream of Jim's name and Jim followed right after him pounding into him five more times saying "Blair..." over and over again.

Jim finally pulled out of Blair and went to get the clean cloths to clean them up with. * I'm going to have to invest in wipes; that's for sure. *

As Jim cleaned Blair off, Blair started falling asleep and Jim watched his new love and smiled sadly because this was probably the one and only time that Blair would be this relaxed on this trip. Damn Naomi.

Jim got into the shower and was joined by Blair after about five minutes. "Thought you could get away from me, eh?"

"Never want to, babe, never."

"I love you, Jim. So much that I can't even tell you right now." Jim could tell that Blair was close to tears.

"Blair, I love you back and I'll show you how much tonight. How does that sound?"

They finished the shower and got dressed then went out to eat the donuts and heat up the cold coffee. Jim was sitting there and he said, "Chief, your family is in the hallway wondering if they should knock or not."

"You're kidding. What are they doing here, Jim?" Blair got up and started pacing with a nervousness that Jim hadn't seen in ages. "Chief, I can tell them you're laying down if you want me to. Don't worry about it."

"No, man, I have to face them sooner or later. I was just hoping on later." Blair walked over to Jim and hugged him really hard. "Jim, don't leave for any reason, okay? Promise?"

"Only if you ask me to."

"I would never ask you to leave. I love you, Jim. So much."

Jim walked over to the door and opened it up, as Sarah was about to knock. "Oh goodness," Sarah said, "you scared me. Is Blair here?"

"Yes, please come in." Jim answered.

"Good morning, Blair," Rachel said when he walked out of the bedroom.

"Good morning, Rachel. Good morning, Sarah and Benjamin."

"Did you sleep well?" Benjamin asked with a sound of nervousness.

"You seem nervous, what's up? Is there something wrong?" Blair asked.

"We have come to ask if tonight when we meet for dinner, it could be just us." Sarah said, "we were hoping it could be just family, I mean."

Blair stood up and had one of those pissed off expressions on his face. "First of all," Blair said, "Jim is my family. He's going to always be my family and he'll either be included or we won't come at all."

"Blair, we're sorry," Rachel said, "we didn't mean to upset you. We want you to be comfortable."

"By all means, bring Mr. Ellison if you must." Benjamin said almost coldly.

Blair stood up and said, "Dinner is off as of now. I don't want my partner treated this way." Having said this, he stormed off into the bedroom.

They all stood there staring at Jim. Finally Jim said, "He's got a point. I've been in his life a long time. You haven't. He doesn't know any of you and already you're trying to make him choose between me or you."

"We aren't, really." Sarah said, "we want Mom and Dad to be comfortable and they aren't with you there."

"Then, they won't see Blair." Jim said, "he made me promise I wouldn't make him do this alone, and I won't."

"Could I call our parent's house?" Benjamin asked.

"Sure, there's the phone."

Benjamin talked to his parents for a while on the phone, but Jim went in to check on Blair. Blair's new family was the least of his concerns. He only cared about the love of his life. When he walked into the bedroom, Blair was lying on his side staring out the window. Jim snuggled up behind him and said, "I love you, Chief."

"I know you do Jim. That's never been a question in my mind, really. I'm just wondering what the hell I'm supposed to do now. I have a family Jim and they want to get to know me. But they won't do it on my terms and I won't do it on theirs. So does this mean that we'll never get to know each other?"

Jim saw the tears sliding down Blair's face. Jim kissed his tears away and said, "Blair, if you want to go to dinner with them tonight, I would understand. Simon's here, I can hang out with him. I'd be fine."

Blair rolled over and looked at Jim. "Do you mean that, Jim? You wouldn't be hurt; you wouldn't be upset or anything? Swear?"

"Scout's honor, Blair. I would never hurt you, but I also see that everyone needs to bend a little. You be the first to bend and maybe they'll have a different opinion towards you."

"Thanks man, I love you so much. I can't even put it into words." Blair crawled into Jim's arms and snuggled for about ten minutes. Finally he got up and said, "I guess I should go out there and put them out of their misery. Right?"

As they walked into the living room part of the suite, Simon knocked at the door. Jim let him in and said, "Hey Simon, do you want to have dinner with me tonight?"

Simon caught the needy look on Jim's face and wondered what the hell was going on already but instead of asking, he said, "sure, that'll be great."

Blair grabbed Simon's arm and pulled him into the room and said, "Simon, I'd like you to meet my sisters, Sarah and Rachel. And this is my brother Benjamin. Everyone, this is my friend and boss, Simon Banks."

Simon reached over and shook hands with all three of them but didn't miss the look on their face as he did so. Please don't let them be prejudiced. Blair wouldn't fit into that lifestyle at all. Jim caught the look they all gave Simon too, but Blair had his back turned so he missed it. Jim had a feeling that they were going to have their hands full.

"Blair, I called Dad." Benjamin said, "he said that it's fine to bring Jim along. Even if it's not the way that he would want it, he doesn't want to push you away."

Blair went to open his mouth and tell him that he'd changed his mind, when Jim said, "well, that's really nice, and of course they won't mind if our friend Simon comes along too, right?"

Blair just stared at Jim wondering what the hell he missed. He was in that damned Ellison Zone where no one knew what to do. Jim looked over at him and smiled but it didn't reach all the way to his eyes. Blair said, "I'm sure they'll be fine with that. Right, Benjamin?"

"I guess we don't have much choice." Benjamin answered as Sarah shoved her arm into his stomach. "What?" he asked her.

"I'm sure we'll all have a wonderful time," Sarah said, "we might change where we are going though."

"Why?" Blair asked.

"Well, we had reservations for six and now there will be eight. They don't seat eight." Rachel said quickly and nervously.

"Why don't you call and let us know where we can meet you." Blair said.

"That's what we'll do, Blair." Rachel said, "we'll call as soon as we get the reservations made."

Sarah and Rachel both went up to Blair and kissed his cheek as they were leaving and Benjamin shook Blair's hand. They all said goodbye to Jim and Simon as they left.

As soon as the door was shut, Blair said, "All right, who wants to fill me in on what's going on?"

Simon walked over and sat down on the sofa. He wasn't even going to start this conversation with Blair. Jim didn't want to either, but he sure as hell didn't want to be the one to tell him what the two men had seen in their faces.

"Jim, are you going to stand there all day with your mouth hanging open?"

"Blair, sit down. We need to talk to you, don't we Simon?"

"Hey, don't drag me into this. I was fine not going to dinner."

"Simon, did my new family say or do something to you that I'm not aware of?"

"Sandburg, they don't like me, but it might be my color."

"Oh man, you're shitting me." Blair got up and started pacing. He couldn't believe that people still had those types of feelings about his friend. Man, he was getting more pissed off by the second.

"Sandburg, you and Jim go tonight and have a good time. I'm just staying here at the hotel."

"Oh no you're not, Simon." Blair said angrily. "They aren't going to get away with treating you like shit and thinking that's okay. It's not."

"Fine, but I don't know about anyone else, but this might not be too much fun." Simon said unenthusiastically.

"You know what? Tough. They're going to accept you and Jim or they won't have me. Simple as that, in my mind."

Blair stormed into the bedroom and lay down on the bed. He was in major shock. Who would think that in this day and age, people were still prejudiced? It was terribly sad and he sure as hell didn't want to be part of a family that didn't accept people for whom they were. He got out of bed and started pacing as he thought of what he'd tell him family tonight. First they didn't like the idea of Jim going, so they must have a thing about gay lifestyle. Then they have a thing about Simon, his black friend. What could be next? *Oh man, they'll probably ask me to cut my fucking hair. Shit. Well, I'm not.

Simon and Jim both looked in the doorway at the same time and heard Blair giving a lecture to himself. They looked at each other and started laughing. Blair heard them and looked over at the doorway and glared at them both. "Laugh it up, both of you. Keep it up and I'll dump you both for that snazzy new family I have." Blair continued to pace yelling about anything and everything that bugged him about his new so-called family. They just pissed him off on so many levels. He needed to think seriously about what he was going to say to all of them and it was going to be done with tact. That was unless they had something shitty to say about Jim or Simon. Then, he'd lose it. No way could they dump on his love and best friend.

He turned to both men and said, "we're going to go out to eat tonight gentlemen and we're going to take no prisoners."

Jim started laughing and said, "oh no, we've created a monster."

"Sandburg, I hope you're not doing this because of me. I'm used to that type of thing. I know how you feel about me. It's not a big deal."

"Simon, it is a big deal. Fuck them if they can't accept you or Jim. I'm sick of this shit. This is my life. I shouldn't have to change everything, should I? They want me to have no male lover, no black friends, have nothing I guess. Well, it's not how life is."

Simon walked over to Blair and hugged him and said, "Thanks, Sandburg, you're a good friend. I'll not forget this."

Blair hugged him back and said, "good because I'd like to take some time off for the trial and all." Blair said it in jest, but they all knew that Blair needed to see Naomi and watch what was happening in Cascade.

"Don't worry about time off, Sandburg." Simon said smiling. "You're not even on the damn payroll yet."

"Oh that's great, so I'm up here for free?" Blair asked in amazement.

"Chief, he's joking. Aren't you, Simon?"

"Yeah, I'm joking. I'll put that down as sick time or vacation time or something."

"Thanks Simon, you're a prince among men."

"Jesus, Ellison, is he going to kiss me next?" All three men started laughing as they walked into the sitting room and relaxed until they got their phone call. They talked about everything, except Naomi. Blair knew that they were trying to do what was best, but he needed to talk to her. After all, she was his mom. He needed to hear her voice. He turned to Simon and said, "do you think I could call and talk to Naomi?"

"Blair, I don't think that would be a good idea." Simon answered quickly without much thought. He really didn't think it would be a good idea at all.

"Simon, please. I really need to talk to her. I haven't spoken to her since this happened. Don't you think I should be able to ask her why?"

"Sandburg, that would be great except that she told me that she didn't want to speak to you at all."

"My mother doesn't want to talk to me?"

Jim moved closer to Blair on the sofa and said, "Chief, she's not really your mom. Don't forget about that."

"How could I fucking forget that, Jim? You keep reminding me non-stop. Besides, I have this great new family that wants me to be like them. Jesus, why am I here?"

"Because you've always wondered about your dad. Now you'll find out."

"Jim, what happens if I find out I would rather not know?"

"Well, then we go back to Cascade and try to move on. You can go and see Naomi if you want to or you don't have to if you don't want to. Whatever you want to do. But I think the first thing we ought to do is get some therapy. What do you think, Chief?"

"You're willing to get some therapy? For what?"

"She was like my mom too, Blair." Jim turned away from Blair and leaned into the back of the sofa.

Blair put his arms around Jim and said, "It'll be okay, tough guy, we'll get this all taken care of. First thing we get is therapy. Good idea. We both need it."

Jim buried his face in Blair's shirt and said, "no shit."

Simon said, "well, I'm going to go down to my room and see about a shower and changing clothing. I'll see you later. Just let me know what time."

"Okay, Simon, we'll see you soon." Blair said smiling after Simon's retreating figure.

As the door shut, Blair said, "Man, I could kick some ass for what's happening right now, Jim. How dare they hurt our friend."

"Chief, let's give them the benefit of the doubt. They might come around and be just fine."

"We'll see, won't we? I'm not giving them too much room, Jim. They haven't any right to do that."

"I agree. But things sometimes aren't as they should be. You know that to be as true as I do. Right, Chief?"

Who Am I Now? Part 4

The phone rang in the hotel room at about 5:00 and Jim answered it, "Ellison."

"Mr. Ellison," Sarah said sweetly, "I just called to let you know where and when we'd all meet for dinner."

"So your father has no problems with all of us going?" Jim asked just as sweetly.

"No, our father said that we had to make allowances because Blair isn't used to things in the family yet."

"Sarah, do you all think that somehow he'll change once he's been around you for awhile?"

"I don't want to argue with you, Mr. Ellison. I just called to give you the information."

"Fine, I have a pencil and paper handy, shoot."

She gave him the address and name of the place and told them how to dress. Jim rolled his eyes at no one in particular and then wrote down the time to meet.

"We'll see you later then, Mr. Ellison, goodbye."

"Yeah, goodbye."

As Jim hung the phone up, he was making a face to himself more than anything else but Blair walked out of the bedroom and caught him doing it and said, "what happened? I see that it's already going downhill."

"Chief, I have to dress a certain way. She gave me instructions on how to dress. Jesus, I don't know if I can do this, Blair."

"Jim, you promised that you wouldn't make me do this alone. Remember?"

"Yeah, well that was before I realized they hate gays, well, maybe not gays, just gay guys that hang with their oldest son."

"Oh and don't forget about hating blacks too."

"Oh yeah, we don't want to forget about that. That's the best part considering half of our friends are black."

Blair went over to the phone, looked down at the paper and called Simon to tell him where they were meeting for dinner. He didn't mention anything about the dress code as he looked over at Jim smiling.

When he got off the phone, Jim said, "Blair, call him back and tell him about the dress code. We wouldn't want to embarrass him in any way."

"You are no fun, man. Okay, I'll call him back. Besides I have to tell him what time to meet us here."

So Blair called Simon back telling him what to wear and what time to be at their room and then hung up the phone. "Feel better now, Jim?"

"Yes, I do. Thanks, Chief."

Blair walked over and whispered in Jim's ear, "We've got enough time before this thing to fool around. Want to?"

"Babe, I'm really sore. I don't want to walk any funnier than I have to if you know what I mean?"

"Of course I know what you mean, I'm sore too but we can fool around without penetration, you know."

"All right, you talked me into it. Lead and I'll follow."

Blair grabbed hold of Jim's hand and pulled him into the bedroom. They kissed for a long time and Jim realized how much he really loved kissing Blair. Everything about Blair was sexy, but kissing had to be the best part, Jim thought to himself.

As it worked into something more, they found themselves both naked and very happy to be rubbing their erections together. "Babe, I've always wanted to try 69. I had a dream about it once. I mean with you."

"Jim, you are so fucking hot. I gotta tell you, only you would have fantasy's about me when I didn't even know I was in love with you yet."

Jim turned around and took Blair's cock into his mouth and that shut Blair up really fast. He was moaning as he found Jim's cock and took it in his mouth quickly. They were both sucking the life out of each other and rubbing their holes softly. Blair moved over and got the lotion and squeezed some on his finger and put that finger into Jim's hole. Jim started fucking himself on Blair's finger. Blair then pulled out and added more lotion and added two fingers and Jim continued to fuck himself like crazy. Jim held his fingers out and Blair squeezed some lotion on them and Blair was treated to a finger into his hole. Blair moaned as he took Jim back into his mouth. He decided that it was time to give Jim a hummer. Jim liked it a lot. He was right on the edge. Blair aimed his fingers to Jim's prostate and hit it a couple of times. Jim shot his come down Blair's throat with a mighty roar followed by "I love you, babe."

Once Jim had cooled down a little he went to work on Blair and did the same things and sure enough Blair wasn't able to hold on long. Jim had never heard a man actually scream but Blair's sound was pretty close. Jim smiled knowing that he'd made his love do that. Jim sucked everything off and then moved up and started kissing Blair again.

"Wait a minute, Jim. This is how it got started, we better get ready. What do you say?"

"Party pooper. Every party has a pooper, that's why I invited you, Party Pooper, Party Pooper." Jim and Blair were both laughing like mad men and Blair asked, "where the hell did you hear that?"

"One of those Steve Martin movies, maybe Father of the Bride. The one about how his daughter gets married and Martin Short sings it to Steve Martin. I've always wanted to sing it to someone. Thank you for giving me this, Chief." Jim got up and was laughing even harder.

They both got into the shower and Blair couldn't resist, he had to have Jim again. He asked him if he could fuck him. "Hell yes, get on with it."

As Jim spread his legs, he realized he was becoming quite easy. He'd better stop this or Blair would start spreading rumors about him. When he started laughing, Blair said, "does this have something to do with my technique or something else?"

"Blair, I was just thinking how easy I'm becoming and how you'll probably start rumors at work about it and my name will be ruined. Blair started laughing as he slid into Jim's tight channel. Jim moaned but not a bad moan. It was indeed a good moan. Jim was bent over and trying to make this as easy on Blair as he could, considering he was the taller one. And he seemed to be doing just fine, so Jim guessed he was doing it right. Jim finally said, "fuck me harder, Blair, really hard. Now, I need it now."

And Blair did just that. He pounded into Jim like he never thought he would and Jim came with a yell of Blair's name. Simon was out in the hallway and heard Jim yell Blair and smiled and leaned up against the wall until they'd be opening up the door. Blair followed right after Jim yelling out his name. Simon smiled again, knowing these two men were great for each other and glad they found this out now.

They cleaned each other up and then got out and shaved, got dressed and went out to the living room and Jim turned red and said, "Simon is in the hall talking to me."

"Why is he out there talking to you?"

"Because he came when we were screaming our names out to each other. He said now that roll call is over, could he possibly come in?"

Blair couldn't help it; he went to the door and said, "Simon, how nice of you to stop by. Your name was next on the roll call."

Simon started laughing with Blair and then they both laughed harder when they saw how red Jim's face was. All three men started whistling at each other about the way they were dressed. They all looked great. The place they were going, called for Casual Elegant. So, they all had suit jackets and ties on.

"So Jim, where is this restaurant again?" Simon asked.

"It's a three hour dinner cruise. It's called Spirit of Puget Sound. Supposed to be one of the best places to eat in Seattle. We did some checking."

"Oh god, Jim, I have those Gilligan's Island songs going through my mind. It was only a three hour cruise too."

Simon and Blair again were laughing their butts off big time. Jim just growled and said, "Well, kids, while you did your laughing, I asked about this place but I guess you don't want to know anything about it."

"Okay, Jim, we're sorry, really we are. We're listening now, aren't we Simon?"

"Oh yeah, we're listening now, Jim."

"Fine, but don't interrupt or I won't say it again. It's a dinner cruise that takes us out and about for three hours. While we are on the water we get to have wonderful views of Puget Sound and Elliot Bay."

"Simon, do you believe it? We're going to get to look at Elliot Bay for three hours."

"Very funny, Chief, now don't ask me another fucking thing all night, okay?"

Jim stormed off into the bedroom and Simon said, "he's not really mad is he?"

"I hope not. He's way too good in bed to have mad at me for very long."

"Sandburg, shut your fucking mouth." Jim yelled out from the other room.

Simon and Blair started laughing again. "I told you he wasn't mad. He loves me, Simon."

"Well, don't take advantage of that, Sandburg, ya hear me?"

"Yes sir, I do." Blair said smiling. Suddenly, he realized that Simon wasn't kidding. "He loves you more than life itself, kid. Don't screw with him. Well, at least not in the head. Well, not that head. Shit, I'm going to shut up now before I say something even worse than that."

Jim walked out of the room and walked up to Blair and kissed him. "Well, you guys ready for this big night. I figure they want us on a boat so we can't get away from them."

As they walked out of the hotel room, they were all laughing. God, I hope that's not the truth, Jim thought.

When they arrived, the waiter showed them to the table with Blair's family. Everyone stood to shake hands. Blair's Mom stood up and hugged Blair fiercely. Blair got the feeling that this woman was on edge all the time. Probably had been since he was taken. Blair wasn't sure he was good for her or not.

They all sat down and the Sandburg's started asking Blair questions right and left about how his life was growing up. Blair felt a little odd talking about that right now, but answered as many questions as he could. His father asked him, "how did you get into Police work after you'd been in college all of those years. Didn't you see yourself becoming more than a cop?"

Jim stiffened in his seat, and Simon rubbed his shoulder calming him but he shouldn't have had to. Blair said quite casually, "I've never wanted to be anything more than Jim's partner. We have one of the highest crime solving rates in Cascade, so it was meant to be."

"Blair, I can't believe you won't consider joining the FBI as I asked. They have a great program and you're halfway there already. Your scores are higher than any other candidates. Please say you'll think about it. We'd be all together."

"Sir, I know you mean well, but my life is in Cascade and I live there with Jim. My job is there, my friends are there and I'm very happy there." Blair tried to smile as he finished saying this to his new father.

"Blair, your father didn't mean to push you, dear. He wants you close by because of all of the years we've missed. Surely you must understand that?" Elizabeth said quietly.

"Of course I understand, but you all have to understand I have a life. I'm not changing it."

Blair Sr. got up from the table and walked out to the deck. His children followed him out. Elizabeth said, "Jim and Simon would you mind if I talked to Blair alone?"

"No ma'am, I don't." Simon said as he and Jim got up and walked out the doors.

Elizabeth sat closer to Blair and said, "Blair, you have no idea how much we wanted you. From day one, you were my life. My life was ripped apart from that day on. I had three children for my husband, but it never worked."

"What do you mean it never worked?"

"They knew, the children, I mean. They knew that they weren't you, and that they could never replace you. So, they'd always be second best, in my eyes and in your father's eyes. So to see you not making enough out of your life is just too much for him to bear."

"Excuse me, Elizabeth, but I've done plenty with my life. I'm happy, I'm in love and I've got the best friends in the world."

"But Blair, you're selling yourself short. You could have so much more and we wish to help you get there. We want you to move here as soon as possible. That way you'll get to know your siblings, but mostly you'll get to know your parents. Blair, we love you so much. We never stopped looking."

"I thank you for not stopping but I can't move here. I have a life. I'm sorry. I'm staying where I am."

"And you think that being with a man is the answer to your life calling? It's sick, Blair, it's sick. And you'd know that if you'd been raised as our other children were. They wouldn't dream of bringing a same sex person home for a date. But this you'll learn in time. Jim will get over you fast enough. He doesn't really seem that interested."

While this talk was going on, Jim was leaning against the glass window and Simon said, "bad news?"

"She's trying to talk Blair into moving here and dumping me. It'll only be a matter of time and he'll end up here with his real family." Simon saw the tears in Jim's light eyes.

"Jim, don't sell him short, even though he is." They both laughed at that. "And stop listening to his conversation."

"He asked me not to leave him while I was here, so that's my way of doing that."

"Well, stop it as of now. Let Blair make all of the big decisions on his own. He'll make the right ones, Jim. Don't worry about it."

The two men walked off to get some air and away from the distressing subjects inside.

"So you're saying that what Jim and I have is sick?"

"Well, of course it is, dear. You must have been taught some type of morals from this person that raised you. I mean, she wasn't a complete idiot."

"No, she wasn't. She let me choose my way. She let me decide on a lot of things that I'm sure you wouldn't have let me choose, but that's where we differ. See, I don't believe I need you to be happy. Where you seem to think I do. I don't need you at all, Elizabeth. I had a wonderful life. It might have been a lie but Naomi loved me so much. She would never make me unhappy on purpose."

"And what do you call this, Blair? Your so called Mother was a no good kidnapper who didn't think about anyone or anything but herself and what she could get out of it."

"Is there anything about my life or me that suits your fancy?"

"Well, your choice of friends is very limited and we have to admit we were a little taken back with this Simon character. We've never been friends with any black people, so we had nothing to base it on. Actually, Blair, we lead a fairly sheltered life. You might find it boring but we're all happy."

"Well, I wouldn't be, so you might as well get this idea out of your head now. I'm not leaving Jim. I'm not leaving Cascade. I'm not leaving Cascade PD. I'm never ever moving here and I don't want you as my family. You are all judgmental, cruel and bigoted people. I couldn't live like this for all the money in the world."

Blair stood up and she said, "young man, you sit down and stay here so your father can talk to you. Do you understand?"

"No, I don't. I don't have to do anything you want. Stay away from me. I don't want to hear from you again."

"You've left me no choice, Blair. Now we'll have to take things to Jim's father and make a big thing out of it. We know who William Ellison is and I'm sure he'd die if he found out about the two of you sleeping together."

"Do whatever makes you feel good, but either way, I would never end up here. Don't you understand that? I don't even like you people."

And saying that, Blair walked out of the dining room and went over to the edge of the ship and looked as though he wanted to jump overboard. Jim came up from behind and said, "it's all right, Chief. Things'll get better. I promise."

He turned into Jim's arms and then Simon was right beside him and he put his arm out and Simon went into the hug too. They just stayed there for about ten minutes until Blair's father walked up to them and said, "would you like to come back in for dinner now?"

"What part of no don't you people understand? I'm not coming back in. I'm not leaving Jim. I'm not leaving my friends or Cascade. Leave me alone or I'll bring charges. I don't want to be in your family."

"Mr. Ellison, I can't believe that you won't talk some sense into him. You of all people should know how much family means. Wouldn't you give anything to see your mother again?"

Jim looked at him with a glare and said, "don't ever bring my mother up again, it has nothing to do with this. Blair is old enough to make up his own mind."

Jim went walking off. Simon followed him and Blair turning to his father said, "that was the lowest thing you ever could have done and I'll never forgive you for this. I never want to see any of you again. Goodbye."

He almost ran off to catch up with Jim and Simon. He could see the pain in Jim's face and eyes. He pulled Jim into his arms and said, "I love you, Jim. More than you'll ever know. Let's go home. There's nothing here for me."

"Sandburg, what about the training with the FBI?"

"Simon do I have to do that? I mean, I have a choice, right?"

"Well, of course you have a choice, but I would think you'd want to get as much out of this as you could. I could give Jim a leave of absence so you could finish and not be separated."

"Really? You'd do that for me, Simon?"

"Yeah, Sandburg, I'd do that for both of you. Jim, you okay with staying here with Blair for the rest of that training?"

"Oh yeah, Simon, I'm more than okay with it." He pulled Blair in for a kiss and said, "you're stuck with me, Chief."

"Well, as soon as this damn boat docks, we'll start making arrangements. We'll need to find you guys a place to live. You can't afford that hotel you're in."

"Simon, you're the best friend we could ever hope to have." Blair said, beaming with pride.

Simon smacked him upside the head and said, "don't let it go to your head, Sandburg."

They sat down at a table outside and watched the beautiful bay. After all Jim had told them about this, they felt like they should watch it. The sights were beautiful indeed.

Once the boat docked, the Sandburg's tried to catch up to the three men, but they ignored them and made their way back to the hotel. Simon said, "I think you should give up your suite and move in with me, so your family won't be pestering you. All I ask is don't be doing things when I'm awake."

Laughing, Jim said, "good idea, Simon. I'll get all of our things and get us packed up."

"Do I look like I'm disabled, Jim? Not. So don't go and act like I am. I'll pack my own stuff, thank you very much."

All three men smiled as they talked on the way over to the hotel. Things were going to work out. It would just take time.

When they arrived at the hotel, they got up to their floor and started packing up their things. Jim went down and checked them out. When he came back up, Blair had everything ready to move over to Simon's room. They locked their room up and walked to the elevator and got on. Once the door closed, Jim bent over and kissed Blair really quick and said, "I love you."

"Man, I needed that. I love you, back."

When they arrived at Simon's door, Jim knocked and Simon opened it up and said, "c'mon in."

They walked in and saw a really nice room, but no suite. It was just a room with two queen size beds. It would work out fine.

Blair started unpacking things and Jim joined him and before long they were all done. There was a knock at the door and Blair jumped about two feet. "Chief, calm down. It's food. Simon ordered us something to eat while we were downstairs."

They all sat down and ate dinner. They were starving since they went on the fucking cruise and didn't get one bite to eat. Blair looked up at the two men and said, "I'm so damn glad that we weren't stranded somewhere with everyone as in Gilligan's Island. Man, would that be the pits or what?"

Simon and Jim spit what they were eating out of their mouths from laughing too hard. "Way to go, Sandburg." Simon said still laughing.

After dinner they all cleaned up and got ready for bed. Simon was sitting on the edge of his bed and Blair said, "Simon, what's up? You look like a man with something heavy on his mind."

"Blair, you need to see Naomi. I'm going to call the FBI and see if I can get you an extension. Is that all right?"

"Simon, that would be great. I know that you and Jim hate my Mom and think she's a terrible person, but I need to talk to her. I need to find out why she did this. It means the difference in being able to go on or stay where I am."

"I understand, Sandburg. I'll take care of all of the phone calls tomorrow first thing in the morning."

Jim lay on the bed and waited for Blair to come to him. He didn't know exactly what to do while in Simon's room. He found himself getting nervous.

Simon turned down the lights and said, "goodnight, guys. Sleep well."

Blair stripped and got into bed with Jim. Jim got under the covers and realized that Blair was naked. Jim whispered, "Chief, what the fuck are you doing? We're supposed to be sleeping here."

"I'm going to sleep Jim, why, what are you doing?"

"Chief, you're naked." Blair giggled and whispered, "No shit, and they say you're not a good detective."

Jim slugged him in the arm and Blair said, "ow."

"All right you two, am I going to have separate you? Don't think I won't." Simon said laughing. He didn't hear another word from the other bed for the rest of the night.

In the morning, when Jim woke up there was a note by the bathroom door that told him that they had the room to themselves until 10:00. So, feel free to do whatever they wanted. Jim smiled as he read this and went over to the bed and work his love up.

He pulled back the covers letting a little bit of Blair show at a time. Blair didn't even stir. But Jim knew he would soon enough. Jim leaned in and licked Blair's cock like it was an ice cream cone. Blair did wake up when Jim did this. "Jim, what are you doing, Simon will catch us?"

"We have the room until 10:00, hot shot, so just relax." Jim said as he continued to lick that precious cock. Blair moaned a few times and Jim saw that cock grow before his eyes and that made Jim hard just watching. He took Blair into his mouth and gave him a hummer. Blair was thrashing his head from side to side trying not to come so soon, but to no avail. He pushed his hips up to meet Jim's warm mouth and came into it and not only in one shot, but in three splurts. Jim had a hard time swallowing it all. As he licked him off, Blair was breathing hard and rubbing the top of Jim's head. "Jesus, Jim, that was fan fucking tastic." "Thanks, Chief." Jim said laughing as he swatted Blair's ass.

Blair pushed Jim back on the bed and took Jim's cock into his mouth. When he was about ready to come, Blair pulled away and said, "Jim., do you want to come in my mouth or my ass?"

"In your ass, Blair. No contest."

Jim got Blair ready and slid into him once he got that damn condom on. He knew they were necessary, but still hated dealing with them. Took too long. He fucked Blair like there was not ever going to be another time to do it. It was bittersweet, because at that moment, Jim thought of what his life would be like without Blair. As he thought this, tears started rolling down his face. Blair looked up and saw Jim crying and said, "Jim, what's wrong, babe?"

"I'm just getting sappy in my old age, I guess. I'm sorry." Saying this, he picked up speed and began to pound into Blair and Blair was howling and Jim was howling and they were coming together.

Blair wiped the tears off Jim's face and asked, "okay, are you afraid that I'm going to leave you for that new family of mine?"

"Yeah." was all Jim could get out before he lay on top of Blair.

"Jim, please understand, I don't even like them. I love you. Now do you think they could make me feel like this? I don't think so." He smiled and Jim tried to smile along with him, but being that Jim was always a pessimist, he had to rain on his parade.

"Let's take a shower, hot shot and we'll talk some more over breakfast. I'm starving."

"I love you, Blair."

"And I love you." Blair said to the sad looking man on the bed. He vowed to teach this man to trust him and trust in their love. It'd take time, but time is one thing Blair had.

Who Am I Now? Part 5

They met Simon downstairs for lunch. The morning had flown by. Funny how sex will do that when you're not used to having it for a while.

Simon was really quiet during lunch and Jim finally asked him, "Simon, what's up? It can't be that bad can it?"

"Jim, you know how we said we'd be sure to make Naomi pay for what she did to Blair?" Simon asked, "well, she's not going to pay at all. They can't hold her on any of those charges. The statute of limitations has passed."

"You're shitting me." Jim said with such venom in his voice that Blair jumped. "Sorry, Chief. I know that's your mom, but she did something wrong and should have to pay for it. There should be something they could try her for."

"Well, I have to tell you both," Blair began, "I'm really glad so that now I can talk to her and see why she did what she did. There has to be a reason, right?"

"Yeah, Chief, there is probably a good reason." Jim said acerbically.

"Don't get all sarcastic with me, Jim. I can't help it if things didn't work out for you to send her to the big house for the end of time."

"Chief, I can't believe that you're willing to leave her alone after she took you from your real family."

"Well, actually Jim, I'm glad. I don't like them. Neither do you, am I right?"

"Fine, so we don't like them. That's not a good enough reason, Blair. You know that."

"I know, Jim. I'm really sorry for all this. I just want to talk to her."

"Gentlemen, did you forget I was here?" Simon asked. Simon glanced around and watched the people around. He'd been really nervous ever since this thing went downhill last night on the boat. So, he was going to be sure that no one hurt his newest detective in the meantime.

"Sorry, Sir." Jim said smiling. "Did you have something to add to this?"

"As a matter of fact, I wanted to tell you, Sandburg, that I'm glad she's getting off. She's a good lady. She did a good job raising you, so she can't be all bad."

"But, Simon, she kidnapped a baby from their family and raised him on her own like he never had anyone else."

"Jim I know that, but we have to also look at the way she raised him. He's open to things. Like let's say, gay sex." Simon said laughing.

"Fuck you, Simon." Jim said angrily.

"Jim," Blair asked, "did you want something to happen to her?"

"Blair, she had no right to do that. You might have been happy with them. What if all their lives would have turned out differently if you'd not been stolen from them?"

"Okay, I agree on that one. It does mess with fate and Karma. She shouldn't have done it, but you know she's my mom and I love her, right?"

"Of course I know that, Blair. Do I remind you of a stupid person? I have a hard time thinking of her as your mom now and it pisses me off."

"Sandburg and Ellison, I've got tickets to Cascade in two hours, so let's go and get packed so we can get out of here."

"Man, I'm there." Blair said as he got up and started out of the restaurant.

Jim sat there looking at the floor. Simon said, "Jim, you need to let go of this and go on with life."

"Simon, she's going to get away with destroying all of those lives. This is so Naomi."

"Seems to me that when she made a certain mistake about you and Sandburg's paper, you didn't blame her at all. Why not?"

"Because I love her too." Jim said so quietly that Simon barely heard him.

"Well, let's get up there and help the kid with packing or god knows what he'll pack and not pack."

They both got up and got on the elevator and didn't say a word all the way up. Once on their floor, Jim started for their door and saw it was open and he panicked at first. But then he heard his guide's voice. "What do you mean, my grandfather left me all that money?"

"Blair, this is important. You're the first heir and without you taking it, it would go back into the trusts of all the others, but my father wanted to be sure that you were well taken care of if you were ever found and brought to us. He stipulated that you had until you were 30. So, you made it with time to spare, but it's important that you sign this paper now before you leave town."

"Why is it so important? I don't understand."

Because it belongs to you. For the simple reason that you're my son, whether you like it or not. You are our blood."

"Fine, I'll sign it, but I don't want it."

"Blair, this money is for you. I don't want you using it for something wasteful."

"Well, it's my money so it doesn't matter what I use it for, right?"

We need to take these papers downstairs and have them notarized before you leave. Why don't we head down there now and get it over with."

Jim and Simon walked into the room and Jim said, "Chief, everything okay?"

"Yeah, I'm just going downstairs to have these papers notarized and then I'll have this all taken care of. I won't have to worry about any of it once I get there."

Jim said, "hang on a minute, Chief and I'll walk down with you."

Mr. Sandburg glared at Jim and said, "I think I'd like to talk with my son alone before he leaves, if you don't mind."

"Yeah, I do mind." Jim said and started for the door.

"Back off, Mr. Sandburg if you want me to sign these papers. Jim's coming with us whether you like it or not."

As they went down in the elevator, Mr. Sandburg said, "So Jim, how do you think everyone at the precinct will take it when they find out you're a fag?"

"What? Are you threatening me now? Listen here you asshole, I'm a cop, you're a cop. We both know how things are but I love Blair and that's that. So drop it."

Once they got downstairs Blair signed the papers in front of the Notary and had them do their job and said goodbye to his father. Blair didn't even shake his hand as they left.

Once on the elevator, Blair looked over at Jim with loving eyes and said, "Jim, he's going to make problems for us, isn't he?"

"Yeah, Chief, he is but we'll be ready for him. We'll tell our friends so it won't come out left field, okay?"

"Sounds good to me, Jim. I love you, man."

The elevator door opened and Jim hugged him and said, "I love you back, Chief."

They went into their room to finish getting ready to leave. They were ready in no time and went downstairs to catch a cab.

The ride to the airport was totally quiet, each person having too many things to think about and to say, but not knowing how to say them. So, these things were best left in their own minds.

Once on the plane they were all sitting there still quiet and Jim broke the silence when he couldn't stand it anymore. "Chief, do you want to go right to the hotel where Naomi is or home first?"

"I want to go and see my mom, thanks." Blair smiled at him for trying to be thoughtful.

The plane ride to Cascade was fast but also very quiet. Not a word was spoken by any of them. Jim sure as hell didn't want to say something to piss his partner off. He couldn't lose him now. Now that he finally had love in his life, he couldn't lose him now.

When they got off the plane, Naomi was there waiting for them. Jim had called her and told her when they'd get in.

"Blair, sweetie, it's so good to see you." Naomi said as she rushed to grab him into her arms.

Blair let her hold him because he needed that. Those other people were his family, but they weren't the kind of people that would ever hug or love him. "Mom, I missed you."

Naomi started crying when he called her Mom. She figured she'd be lucky to ever have him talk to her again. Blair took her into his arms and said, "it'll be okay, Mom. Trust me."

They went and picked up the luggage and Naomi turned to Jim and said, "could Blair and I have some time alone, Jim? You know I'd never hurt him, Jim, you have to know that."

"Fine, Naomi. Chief, I'll see you later today." Having said that Jim took off in such a rush that Blair was stunned.

"Mom, I'll be right back." Blair hurried off after Jim to talk to him. Catching up he said, "Slow down man, my legs aren't as long as yours."

"What do you want from me, Chief?"

"I thought a kiss would be a nice place to start, Jim. I love you, nothing that happens today is going to change how I feel about you."

Jim pulled Blair into his arms and buried his face in Blair's hair around his neck and muffled, "I love you, babe. I'll see you tonight, maybe?"

"Jim, I'll call as soon as we talk and we'll all have dinner together. Okay?"

"Okay, that sounds good to me. Be careful and call when you can. I love you, Chief."

"Get out of here before you make me cry." Blair turned around and started back to Naomi knowing that if he stayed too long with Jim, he would cry.

When he got to Naomi, he said, "Mom, we're going to talk and then have Jim meet us for dinner. I hope you don't mind."

"Of course I don't mind, Blair. I love Jim too. Simon, thank you for keeping me company while my son and his partner made out in the middle of the airport."

Simon laughed and said, "no problem, Naomi. We'll see you later on then."

"Bye, Simon." Blair called out and Simon turned back around, hugged Blair and whispered in his ear, "if you need us, you know where we are."

"Thanks, Simon. You're truly my best friend, right along side Jim."

Simon cuffed Blair on the side of the head and walked off, making Blair smile after him. He knew that Simon really liked him and that made him feel damn good. He turned to his mom and said, "you know my so-called new family won't accept Jim or Simon."

"Fuck'em, Blair. They were always hotsy totsy. They think that they're so special. Well, they aren't. You're so much better than they are."

Arm and arm, they walked out of the airport. Naomi said, "don't you want to get your luggage, sweetie?"

"Mom, you know damn well that Jim already picked it up. He thinks he has to do everything for me. He's really good to me."

"I can tell, Blair and I love that you've found someone so special in your life. Damn, I wanted grandchildren." Saying this, Naomi got into the driver's seat of her car and laughed.

"Seriously, Mom, we need to talk about this."

"Blair, I know we do, but not while I'm driving, all right? We'll talk about it when we get to my room at the hotel."

"Mom, why don't you stay with me and Jim?"

"I wasn't sure how Jim would feel about that, so I figured this might be better."

"So let's get your stuff and we can go back to the loft. Jim loves you, Mom. He's heartbroken about this whole thing. He's not mad at you. Well, all right he is a little mad, but nothing he won't get over."

When they got to the hotel, Naomi packed up her few belongings and checked out of the hotel and said, "don't you think perhaps you should check with Jim first?"

"Mom, I'm telling you, it's my home too and Jim will be fine."

When they arrived at the loft, Jim turned to Simon and said, "Blair is here with his mom right now. I wonder what happened."

"Jim, calm down, maybe Blair asked her to stay with the two of you."

"I never thought of that. You think so, Simon?"

"You know for a detective, you're kind of dense sometimes. But I love ya anyhow."

"Very funny Simon. Smart ass."

"Better than being a dumb ass."

Both men were laughing when they heard the keys in the door. Blair looked at Jim to sense his mood and saw the smile on his face and Blair relaxed a bit. "Jim, I asked Mom to stay with us. I hope you don't mind."

"Not at all, Chief. I'll go and put clean sheets on the bed. Simon, you want to help me clean that room up?"

"Hey you two, don't be throwing out anything important. I mean it."

Both men laughed as they went in to the room and started getting it ready for Jim and Blair's guest.

Blair sat down and said, "All right, Mom, I'm ready. I want to hear why you took me from someone else to raise as your own."

"Blair, I couldn't carry a child, but that didn't stop my eggs being extracted for harvest. You're father said we'd find someone to help us. The next thing I knew, he was telling me we were over."

"He married your mother three months later and when I went down to the doctor's office to pick up the eggs they'd harvested, he said they'd already been used. He didn't understand my not knowing. You see, she couldn't have her own without someone else's eggs. We were exactly the opposite. So, you're mine, Blair, I never took someone that didn't belong to me."

Blair went into his mom's arms and said, "why didn't you say something to the police?"

"What difference would it have made? None. So why bring it up?"

Jim told Simon in the room what was being said and Simon said, "damn, we didn't even think to question her about something like that."

"I immediately treated her like shit, Simon. I'm in this so deep. I know better than that. Jumping to conclusions makes a bad cop."

"Well, we were both bad then." Simon said as they continued the room preparations.

As the two men walked out into the living room Blair was in Naomi's arms and sound asleep. Jim smiled at the picture in front of him.

"Naomi, I'm really sorry that I didn't listen to you when you tried to talk to me at the precinct."

"No problem Jim. I love you too." Jim leaned over and she put the other arm around him and Simon said, "do you want to meet for dinner tonight?"

"Simon, what a good idea. Let's all meet right here and I'll drive." Naomi said.

"Okay, I'll be back in an hour and we'll go to dinner." Simon said as he walked out the door.

Blair, Jim and Naomi decided to get ready to go out for dinner. While Jim was in the shower the curtain was pulled aside and Blair stepped in with him. Jim said, "Chief, we have to actually get clean and out of here to get ready for dinner."

"And we will, don't worry." Blair said as he put lots of foaming soap on his hands and started stroking Jim's cock. He was hard as a rock instantly. Both men were panting hard, Jim reached down and put soap on his hands and started doing the same thing to Blair as they stroked each other off in time to their kissing and panting. They both came at the same time, making them smile at each other. Man, I'm getting so sappy in my older age, Jim thought.'

Once they got out of the shower and dressed, they came out of the bathroom and Naomi was standing there in their kitchen smiling at them. Jim turned red realizing that he had yelled when he came. Blair had the sense to at least be quiet about it. "Blair, you've found yourself a screamer, how wonderful."

"Mom, that's not nice." Blair said laughing his ass off. Jim didn't think it was all that funny as they got to the front door. "Naomi, do I need to ask you to not mention this while we're out tonight?"

"Jim, I already called Simon and told him on his cell phone. He said he always knew you would be very vocal if given the right opportunity." Then she couldn't help it, she started laughing really hard.

Jim knew she hadn't called Simon, but it still didn't seem that funny to him. Geeze, there was going to be no end to this embarrassing day.

When they got downstairs, they stood in the parking lot and waited for Simon. Once Simon drove up, he got out of his car and they all stood around talking for a short time and Naomi said, "well, what do we feel like for dinner?"

"Mom, you said you made reservations." Blair whined.

"I did, I just wanted to see if you were paying attention." Smiling, she pulled Blair into her arms and said, "I love you so much, Blair. Don't ever forget that, okay?"

"Never, Mom."

When Naomi pulled away from Blair she glanced across the street and saw Blair Sr. holding a gun pointed in Jim's direction. She yelled at Simon and Blair to get down and she rushed in front of Jim as the bullet went into Naomi's head. As she crumpled to the ground, Simon and Jim took off across the street after Blair's father. Blair stayed with Naomi begging her not to leave him. He needed her. He got the blood to stop flowing and pulled his cell phone out and called for backup and an ambulance. It seemed like it took forever.

Once Simon had Blair Sr. cuffed and threw him to the ground, Jim made his way over to Naomi and looked to see what damage was done to her. He saw the entry point of the bullet and saw that there was no exit one. So, Naomi had a bullet lodged in her brain somewhere. My god, she saved my life, could this day get any worse for Blair?'

When the ambulance got there, the paramedics started working on Naomi right away. They pushed Blair out of their way and said they had to transport her this very second or they'd lose her. She was barely hanging on. Jim grabbed Blair and said, "I'll take you there right now, Blair. Come on, she'll be fine. Wait and see." But Jim was basically trying to tell himself that too, not just Blair.

When Simon got to the station, he went into the interrogation room and listened with great pain as the man said, "I wanted that fag dead. He's diseased and he corrupted my son. He had to be made to pay for it. The only way would be death."

Simon walked out of the room shaking his head in disbelief. He wanted Jim dead because he was gay. Simon sat down on Jim's desk and just rubbed his temples. Conner walked up and said, "Sir, is everything all right? What's going on? I just came on and there seems to be a lot of shit going down, but I can't get to the bottom of it. Wanna feel me in?"

Megan stopped and looked at Simon Banks long and hard and realized he was a total mess. His face was a picture of despair and pain. She put her hand over his and said, "Simon, you know I'm here for you if you need to talk to anyone."

"Thank you, Conner. Why don't you come in my office and I'll fill you in." On the way into his office he yelled for Rafe, Brown and Taggart to come in there too. Conner was getting more scared as time went by.

"Sit down everyone, I have some things to tell you all. It's going to take awhile to do this, so just let me tell you about it."

Simon went on and told them all about the whole Naomi fiasco, and finding out that Blair really was hers. Then he told them all about the bigoted family in Seattle that was trying to pressure Blair into life with them. He then ended by telling them about the Senior Sandburg trying to kill Jim. Missing only because Naomi saw him and stepped in front of the bullet taking one bullet to the brain.

"Is he in custody, sir?" Rafe asked.

"Yes, he's in there now with some officers. He's turned down a lawyer saying he doesn't care. He'd do it again. He wanted to kill Jim and get him away from Blair."

"So how is Naomi?" Brown asked.

"She is in a coma now. They're getting her ready for surgery hoping to get the bullet out, but not certain they can."

"Is there anything we can do, Simon?" Joel asked hoping that there was something they could do, anything.

"Just be there for Blair and Jim. Jim's feeling a great deal of guilt right about now, wondering why Blair's mom did that for him. He was really angry with Naomi, so now he has to live with that too."

"Captain, I'm not giving up hope. I believe that modern medicine now a days works wonders. So, I'm not at all worried about her." Megan said with true conviction.

"I need someone to stay here with Blair's father and be sure that he doesn't get out for any reason."

"Sir, he tried to kill a police officer, I don't think they'll let him out." Brown said in all seriousness.

"Brown, when you have money you can buy your way out of almost anything." Simon said calmly.

"Now we really need to watch out for Blair, too, because he just received a trust fund. I don't want any family members coming after him."

"Sir," Megan said, "don't worry. We watch out for our own."

"Well, I've got to get to the hospital and see how the surgery went. I'll talk to you all as soon as I hear something."

"Tell them I'll be praying for her." Joel called out as Simon was getting on the lift.

When Simon arrived at the hospital he saw Jim sitting by himself and said, "where's Sandburg?"

"They took him to ICU to see her. She's still in a coma and they think that there is a lot of brain damage. Actually, they don't think she'll make it through the night."

"Jim, don't give up on her yet."

"Sir, I'm trying not to, but the doctors aren't giving Blair much to hold on to."

"Never underestimate the power of love, Jim. He'll talk her out of it, I can feel it."

"I hope so, Simon. I'd never be able to look at Blair again after she gave her life up for me."

"Knock it off, Jim. She loves you. She loves you being with her son. She was protecting both of you. She wouldn't want you feeling guilty over this at all."

"I'll try, sir." Jim said very quietly and just looked down at the floor.

Knowing he was going to have to get Jim's mind off of this, he said, "Jim, I'm going to put someone on Blair and Naomi the whole time they're here because I don't trust that family."

"Thank you, Simon. Blair will appreciate it."

"And I'd like you to come to the station and work on some things to get your mind off of all this."

"Simon, I can't leave him now. He really needs me."

"Jim, he really needs to be alone with his mom. He needs to talk to her nonstop. He can't do that with you there. He'll feel like he has to take care of you too. Do you want him to be torn between the two of you?"

"I'll tell him I'm leaving sir and meet you downstairs." Jim walked off with a look to his stride and manner, of a man that had been sentenced to death. Simon knew this was going to be a rough one but they'd all help both of their friends.

Walking into ICU after showing his badge, Jim said, "Chief, I need to talk to you for a minute."

"So talk Jim, Naomi would love to hear your voice too."

"Chief, I need to go to the station. Simon says that there are things that need to be taken care of. You'll have a guard here at all times. First one on duty will be Rafe."

"That's fine, Jim." Getting up, he met Jim halfway and went into his arms. He could feel Jim shaking. "It's all right Jim. We'll be fine. I'm just going to talk to her and things will work out."

"I love you, Blair."

"I love you back, Jim. Now go and give my Mom a kiss and get out of here."

Jim leaned down over the sleeping Naomi and hated the smell that assaulted his senses but for Blair he just turned it all down. All he could smell was blood and hospital and medicine smells. He hated that. He kissed her forehead and said, "Naomi, I'm holding you to your being around to tease me every chance you get. So, please, wake up and make your son happy."

Jim kissed Blair once more as he walked out of the room. Rafe was standing there now and they shook hands. "Rafe, take really good care of him, please."

"You know it, Jim. Don't you worry about a thing."

Jim went downstairs and got into Simon's car as they went back to the station to start some overdo paperwork. This was going to be messy; Jim could see it now. Blair was in for a lot of trouble with his new family.

Who Am I Now? Part 6

Jim went back to work and work he did. He tried to make the days fly by. He felt like he was a shadow of the man he'd left in Seattle. Blair had to stay at the hospital with his mom. It was a good sign that she was still alive the doctors said, but they still worried because she wasn't conscious. The doctor said she should've woken up days ago. So, they were all worried at this point and time.

Blair's dad went before a judge and wasn't let out on bail. They charged him with assault with a deadly weapon against an officer of the law. Jim was pleased to see this man get what he had coming to him. As he stood up to leave the courtroom, he smiled at Ellison and Jim wondered what he had in store for him. Jim hated this man with a passion.

When Jim walked outside the courthouse, there were reporters waiting for him. Flashbulbs were going off right and left as the reporters started asking Jim questions.

"Do your fellow officers know about you and Blair Sandburg."

Yet another asked, "what does Major Crime think about having two homosexual men in their midst?"

Another asked, "How long do you think it will be before you have problems with getting back up when you call while on duty?"

Jim didn't even know what to say. Now he knew why that fuck was smiling. He'd called the press. Probably used his call to call them and told them all about his son and his lover. Fuck...

Jim pushed his way through and didn't answer a thing. He knew that he wouldn't get anywhere by yelling, screaming or hitting. So, he got in his truck and pulled away as quickly as he could. Jesus, he hated that evil man. Now everyone would know at the station. And the newspapers had it right. How long before backup comes slower and slower? Things were going to change now. The man had spread his evil talk and people were lapping at it like coyote's finding water in a desert. Jim vowed that this wasn't going to hurt Blair in any way.

As he walked up to the stairs from the parking garage in the station, Jim had a great deal on his mind. He wasn't really paying attention when he walked into the bullpen. Simon said, "Ellison, could I see you in my office please?"

Jim walked into Simon's office and shut the door after him. "What can I do for you, Sir?"

"I wondered how the hearing went. You look like you lost your best friends, and I know you still have me and Sandburg, so what's up?"

"I take it you haven't seen the news lately. I was on it. Well, more to the point, the subject of two homosexual males in the workplace in Major Crime."

"How the hell did they get that?"

"I'd have to say it was Sandburg Sr. He smiled when he was leaving the courtroom, and I could tell he had something up his sleeve. I just can't believe he'd do that to his own son."

"Well, Jim, we all know that man is a little unbalanced. So try not to worry if you can, okay?"

"Thanks sir, but they asked something that has me thinking. How long before we have problems with backup coming when we call. I mean, they'll say, shit, let the fags get their friends to give them back up and that'll be it. Over and done with."

"Jim, sit down. First of all, I'm going to go and do some major crusading on this. If someone has a problem, they need to tell me about it. Not just ignore your backup call. If they do, they'll be charged and I'll be sure that everyone knows this."

"Sir, I'm not ashamed of Blair and I. I just wish that we could've had it a little more private at the station."

"I understand, Jim. I really do. Now go out there and get some of that paperwork caught up so we can go and see Blair and Naomi. Maybe there will be some good news."

"Shit, Blair's other mom is here. Damn."

"Jim, just stay cool." Simon said as he followed Jim out of the office. Before anyone could think, she'd pulled a gun out of her purse and shot Jim in the chest with it. Without even thinking, four officers yelled a warning and four bullets hit the woman before she had a chance to get off another shot at Jim. The four officers were Simon, Rafe, Brown and Taggart.

Pandemonium broke out in the bullpen as everyone ran to Jim to see if he was alive. The blood was surging out of him. Simon had taken his jacket off and was using that to stop the bleeding. By the time three officers got to Mrs. Sandburg, she was dead. So, they concentrated on Det. Ellison. Everyone was there for him. Jim watched in a daze as his fellow officers gathered around him. They seemed to care if he lived or died. They didn't seem angry with him. Maybe they hadn't seen the news report yet. Things will change, Jim knew this and in his sadness, he closed his eyes. Simon wouldn't let him. He slapped Jim across the face and said, "Ellison, don't you dare leave me to clean up the mess with Sandburg. You stay with me, goddamn it."

Jim opened up his eyes and looked at Simon and smiled. Simon yelled, "Fuck you, Ellison, don't you smile. No, you're not giving up that easy. Come on, I need my best friend. Please, Jim."

Jim held Simon's hand and continued smiling until he couldn't do it anymore. The EMT's walked into the bullpen and took over and shoved everyone else aside. They worked on Jim for a long time and finally got him stable enough to transport. They were taking him to the roof and taking him by air to the hospital. The EMT driver told Simon, "now would be a good time for all of you to pray. This man's in bad shape."

Everyone got their papers in order so they could go to the hospital. Conner was there with Sandburg, so she was spared watching all of this. Simon wished for once that he'd been the one spared. He was so tired of having to deal with this.

Simon went down to the locker room, got into the shower and washed all the blood off and then got dressed as quickly as he could. Rafe, Brown and Taggart were doing the same thing. No one wanted Jim's blood on them. That would be like accepting something totally against what they wanted to happen.

As they left the bullpen, Simon left orders for those that were still there and told them to call if they needed him. They'd all be at the hospital. He needed to call Jim's dad and brother. He pulled out his phone and hit the speed dial for Steven Ellison. Jim had asked him to put him on there some time back. As he got in the car with the others, he concentrated on the phone call instead of having to drive.

The phone was answered, "Ellison." Making Simon swallow hard and try to get control of his emotions. "Steven, this is Simon Banks."

"Hi, Simon," Steven started, "did something happen to Jim? Is that why you're calling?"

"Yes, he's on his way to the hospital and you need to get your dad and get up there as soon as possible."

"Simon, I'm about an hour away from there, could you pick our dad up on the way and take him? Please?"

"Yes, Steven, we'll swing by and pick him up first. You try and get back here as soon as you can, but be careful getting here."

Simon asked Joel, "could we swing by Jim's dad's house? Steven is out of town and won't be back for at least an hour. We need to get William and get back there as fast as we can."

"Simon." Joel said calmly, "you need to calm yourself a little bit. I'm sure things will be fine."

"I hope you're right, Joel. I hope you're right."

When they pulled up in front, Simon said, "you all drive on to the hospital, I'll drive William in his own car. It'll take awhile to explain what's going on."

"Sir, are you sure you wouldn't like some back up?" Rafe asked.

"Thanks, Rafe, but I think that the less people there, the better. William isn't going to take this news too well."

"Well, it's not Jim's fault he got shot, sir." Brown said.

Rafe looked at Brown and said, "he's talking about why he got shot...because Jim corrupted her son."

"Oh shit, is that why she did it? I didn't know that." Brown said.

"We can only guess, Brown but I do need to tell William about Jim and Blair," Simon stated as he started walking towards the house.

"Man, I wouldn't want to be in his shoes for anything." Rafe said.

Simon knocked on William Ellison's door and waited for him to open it. His men drove off behind him and he wondered if he should have made sure someone was here first. Simon heard the knob turning and knew that someone was home. William stood there and said, "Captain Banks? What are you doing here?"

"Sir, could I come in?"

"Oh god, something happened to Jimmy didn't it? Why else would you be here?"

"Sir, he's been taken to the hospital and they're probably going to have to do surgery, so I need you to get ready and we'll take your car and go right now."

"Let me grab my jacket and my keys and we'll get out of here. I need to tell Sally where I'll be. I don't want her worrying unless she has to."

Simon didn't have the heart to tell him that it might be time to worry.

They got in William's car and Simon did the driving. He could see William shaking and he knew that he had to keep him calm, but he also knew that he needed to tell him about Jim and Blair.

So Simon decided to jump in with both feet and tell him all about Blair's new family, the mess with Naomi, Jim and Blair becoming a couple and then Naomi stepping in front to the bullet meant for Jim. And finally, the bullet from Blair's other mother in the bullpen just a while ago. Simon had to hand it to William. He was calm. He remained calm about it all. He didn't seem to even care about the gay issue or he didn't seem to.

"Now, sir, I need to know if this news about Jim and Blair being a couple is going to be a major issue with you because we can't have Blair or Jim upset at this time."

"Do I look like I care about that, Simon? I want my son to be all right. That's all I'm thinking about right now. So don't worry about how I'll react to his love life."

"Thank you, sir. We really need to keep things calm for both of them."

"Of course you do. I'm not going to hurt Jimmy in any way. You must know that much about me. I've not been the most caring parent, but he and I have really tried to work on our relationship as of late. We've become closer. In fact, a short time ago, he had made a date with me for dinner to tell me about the new love of his life, but he got called into work. He must have been going to tell me about Blair, then."

"Sir, you have no idea how relieved I am about this but you might be a little upset when you hear that Blair's father told the newspapers and they were hounding Jim after court this morning."

"Jimmy has always done what he believes in, Simon. He's never been one to dance around someone just because you might not like it. Not my Jimmy."

"Yeah, I totally agree with you. Jim is a good man but don't cross him when he thinks he's doing what's right."

They sat in silence for the rest of the trip to the hospital. Both of them dreading anything bad happening, but at the same time knowing someone would have called Simon by now.

When they walked into the hospital, Joel jumped up as soon as he saw him. "Simon, Blair is a wreck. Conner is with his mom right now and he's talking to the doctor about Jim's problems with anesthesia. He's driving the doctor nuts. You'd better get in there."

Simon and William walked up to the desk and identified themselves and she took William right to the doctor for the papers to be signed by a family member. Blair could be heard saying, "we drew up the damn papers so that we didn't need any family members to give their okay for surgery. Why are you waiting for family members? I'm his family. Please, take this paper and go and do what you have to do to save him. He's my life."

William walked in and said, "excuse me, I'm Jim Ellison's father. Why is the surgery not being done yet? Is there a problem with Jim?"

"Sir," the doctor said, "we were waiting for you to get here to sign the rest of the papers. This is very tricky surgery and we prefer to have a family member sign rather than just someone he lives with."

"If my son had the paper work set up ahead of time, what the hell are you waiting on me for? I'm going to sue your asses off if anything happens to him. I want you to know that right now."

Blair looked over at William and instead of seeing hatred, he saw a father who was honestly in awe of the man who loved his son as much as he did. Blair smiled at William and William smiled back. Then they took up their vigil waiting for the surgery to be over.

While sitting there, William asked Blair, "so, do they give him a good chance? I didn't have a chance to really talk to him before."

"They don't give him a good chance at all." Blair said quietly as he put his head into his hands and his shoulders started shaking.

William took hold of Blair and sat him up and said, "he's going to be just fine, Blair. Don't worry so much. He's tough as nails. You know that as well as I do, right?"

"Yeah, yeah, I do. Thank you, William."

"Call me Bill. We're practically related, aren't we?"

"Thank you for being nice about this, Bill." Blair said with his head still hanging.

"Blair, if you want to go and see your mom for a short time, go ahead. I'll let you know if they come out of surgery or if anything changes. You need to see your Mom."

"Simon's with her now. He'll stay with her till I get back to her."

"Okay, I just don't want you to feel torn between the two."

"Bill, I would never be torn between the two. I'm too into Jim to even consider anyone else. He's my life."

"Then wait with me until you find out what you need to know, then you go and see your Mother."

"Thanks, Bill. You've been really nice. I can't begin to thank you enough. The reason Jim was shot was because my father couldn't stand the idea of me being with a man."

"Blair, don't hate him too much. He must be insane. No father would prefer never seeing their child over finding out they live with a man."

"Well, I don't want to disagree with you, sir, but mine did."

"He's insane, Blair, and he'll be made to pay for that for the rest of his life."

"Somehow that doesn't make me feel that much better."

"All right subject change. Tell me about your siblings."

"I have three, Sarah, Rachel and Benjamin. They all live in Seattle and wanted me to move there but I have a feeling it's because of the money."

"Money?" Bill inquired.

"My Grandfather left a great deal of money in an estate for me when I was born and then when I was abducted, he put it in a special account that couldn't be touched by anyone. He stipulated that until I reached my 30th birthday, it would remain in that account for me."

"Smart man, your Grandfather." Bill said, smiling at Blair kindly.

"Except that I think they want the money, they couldn't care less about me. In fact, my father treated them all like they weren't good enough while he never stopped searching for his first and most important child."

"I can see that being a big problem, Blair."

"Well, I signed the papers because my father told me that I only had three weeks to sign them. So I did just to make him happy. Then I found out how much it was for."

"Do you need someone to help you invest and things like that?" Bill asked.

"No, I think I'll give most of it away. Save some for me and Jim for emergencies. I don't care about the money."

"Blair, you never know when you'll need the money. It can come in handy someday. So, don't just give it away without proper thought."

"Bill, I haven't a clue as what I'm supposed to do with $3,000,000.00."

William looked at him with his mouth hanging open and said, "you could do a lot of good things with that money, Blair. I'll look up some good investments and also some great places to donate money to."

"Thank you, Bill. That would help a lot. In the mean time, my co-workers think that one of my family will kill me off for the money but I think they just wanted Jim out of the way."

William and Blair sat there passing the time while Jim was in surgery. Blair was really glad that he couldn't hear what was going on because it would have just scared him. The doctor came walking out of the recovery room and walked towards the two men.

"Gentlemen, things are going pretty well. Now, we have to see how he does in recovery first, but we got the lung cleaned out really well. We re-inflated it and he's breathing pretty well on his own. When a lung collapses, it has to be repaired and strengthened again. We're going to be watching him like a hawk for the next week or so. The bullet was easily removed. It stopped before it got to his heart. He was very lucky."

William shook the doctor's hand and said, "thank you so much, Doctor. When can we see him?"

"In about an hour or so. In the mean time, why not go and get some coffee?"

Blair shook the doctor's hand and said, "I'm sorry for being so mean to you earlier."

"It's okay, Mr. Sandburg. Everything you told us was most helpful. Halfway through the surgery, he started coming around, just as you said he would. So I told them what to do, just as you told me to do. You saved that man's life more so than I did."

"Thank you for listening, Doctor." Blair said as he walked away.

William followed Blair down the hall and said, "I'd like to see your mother, Blair, do you mind?"

"No, that would be nice. Let's get some coffee first and then we'll go and see her for about an hour. Then it'll be time to go and see Jim."

"Sounds good to me." William said as he slung his arm around Blair's shoulders, a lot like his son did all the time. It about broke Blair's heart but he loved it at the same time.

Getting the coffee was no problem, but seeing his mom was. They got there and were informed that she was worse and that the doctor didn't want anyone in there right now.

"I'm her son, I want to see my mother, now." Blair said angrily.

"Mr. Sandburg, her heart has stopped twice in the last hour, I really wish you'd just stay out here with the guards that are on duty."

"No, I'm going to see her now and talk to her." Blair said and walked into her room and shut the door. William followed him in and said, "I'd still like to meet her, Blair."

"Bill, things aren't looking too good for me. I finally found out that she really is my mother, and now she might be taken away from me?"

"Doesn't seem right, does it, Blair?"

"No, it sure doesn't."

Sitting down next to the bed he took Naomi's hand into his and with tears rolling down his face, he said, "Mom, this is Jim's dad, William Ellison. He wanted to meet you. I was telling him all about you and he'd love to meet you with your eyes open."

William took her other hand in his and said, "it's very nice to meet you, Naomi. Jim and Blair have both been bending my ear with stories about you. Even Simon Banks has told me things about you. I can't wait till you are out of here. I'd like to take you to dinner."

Blair looked up at William and smiled brightly. "Mom, Bill is here because Jim just got out of surgery. I know you'd want to know if something happened to my love, so I'm telling you. My other mother shot him in the chest."

The hands that both men were holding started jerking around and her heartbeat and her pulse went up and she started to open her eyes. The doctor and nurses came flying into the room and pushed the men out until they checked her out. Then they called them back in.

Naomi looked terrible, but she was alive, she was awake and she was asking to talk to William Ellison.

William walked in and said, "it's nice to meet you with your eyes open, Naomi. I meant what I said about dinner."

Smiling, Naomi said, "I want to apologize for what's happened to your son. It's bad enough that they tried the first time, but twice."

Blair came up to the bed and held his Mom's hand and said, "Hi, Mom. I'm so glad you're awake. I was really scared."

She saw that little boy lost look on his face and said, "come here, Blair." Taking him into her arms she held him as tightly as she could and she stayed that way for awhile. When she got tired, she said, "Honey, go and check on Jim while I get a little nap."

"Okay, Mom. Please don't go to sleep and not wake up. Okay?"

"I promise, Sweetheart. Give Jim my love." They watched Naomi fall asleep on the last word spoken.

Blair and William left for the recovery room and found it empty. Blair panicked. "Blair, calm down, they would have paged us if something had happened to him. They probably got his room all ready and moved him."

"Yeah, you're right, I'm sure. Almost running, he went and asked the nurse. She told him that Jim was doing fine and was transferred to his room. It's number 307." She said.

Blair started laughing and Bill said, "what? Did I miss something?"

"That's the number to our loft." Then Bill joined in laughing.

When they got to the room, they could hear Jim being a pain in the ass. "Get out of my room, I'll do it when I feel like. Get the fuck away from me." Blair turned to Bill and said, "I think those nurses are going to have their hands full, what do you think?"

"I believe you're right." William said, smiling. Jim yelled, "Sandburg, get your ass in here, I can hear you out there."

Blair walked in and the pain immediately eased from Jim's face. He saw his dad and didn't know what to say. Blair pulled William in by his hand and Jim felt like maybe this was already under control. Jim held out his arm and Blair went into it without pushing on the incision. Jim didn't want to lose hold of Blair even for a second. "I love you, Blair."

"Man, you have no idea how good that is to hear. I love you back." Blair said.

Jim looked at his dad and saw he was looking out the window at nothing, Jim could hear his heartbeat pounding in his chest. "Dad?"

William turned from the window and came to the other side of the bed and said, "Jimmy?"

"I love you too." William could tell that Jim was on the verge of tears and figured that would probably hurt, so he said, "Jimmy, you don't have to go through all this to get my attention. I swear you haven't changed a bit. Never doing things the easy way."

Jim smiled at him in thanks and said, "I really do dad. Thanks."

"Jimmy, I've always loved you, even when I don't tell you, I do." William leaned over and kissed his son's cheek. Jim took his arm and just held him down by his side for a few moments. William could feel Jim shaking and said, "Jimmy, it's okay. Let go. I'll love you no matter what." And Jim let it go then. He cried on his dad's shoulder and Blair watched in fascination. This was a giant step for the Ellison's that was for sure.

When he was all cried out, Jim said, "how's Naomi?"

"She just woke up about an hour ago. She told us to come down and keep you company while she slept. I was thinking of asking the doctor if we can have you in the same room, or at least next to each other. That way I won't have to go that far from now on."

"Chief, I don't plan on being in here for very long." Jim said, laughing as much as he could after having a hole cut into his chest.

William said, "I'll go and see what we can get worked out. Seems like for the cop's sakes it would be a lot easier this way."

"Good thinking, Bill." Blair said laughing. Jim just rolled his eyes and said, "you know they aren't going to let Naomi move in here."

William said, "I'll be back in a few minutes, Jim and Blair."

As he left, Blair turned to Jim and said, "how's the pain, Jim?"

"Not too bad, Chief. Since you got here, I've been able to turn the dial down somewhat. So, I think I'll be able to handle it."

"Jim, I'm sooooo sorry about my dad and my not real mom."

"Blair, it's not your fault. I just hope that Naomi will be fine."

The door opened and in walked a doctor and another doctor and they pulled the bed next to Jim's out and they brought Naomi in and brought chairs for the cops that were on guard to sit in. Jim just lay there in shock. He should have known better than to think that his dad wouldn't be able to talk them into this.

"Hey, Jim, looks like we'll be roomies for awhile." Naomi said smiling.

"I hope you don't snore or I'll throw you out." Jim said, laughing.

Blair looked at the two beds and saw the two people that meant the most in life to him and thanked his lucky stars that he was given a second chance with both of them.

The doctors came in and made everyone leave as they checked out their patients before they left for the night.

Simon came down the hallway and said, "they let her move in with Jim, huh?"

"Yeah, do you believe it? William must have promised to keep Jim quiet or something."

"Actually, I promised them a new pediatric ward which will be called the Sandburg-Ellison Ward."

"Wow, you really know how to make a statement." Simon said.

"Well, we needed them close for Blair and also for the police to keep track of who comes to see them and who doesn't. I want what's best for everyone."

"Well, thank you William." Blair said hugging William hard. Then he moved over to the two people that meant the most in the world to him.

Who Am I Now? Part 7

Simon came up to the hospital on the end of the first week to see Blair while he was visiting with his mother and his partner. Simon walked into the room and Blair was telling jokes and Naomi and Jim were both trying not to laugh. Laughing hurt, big time.

Simon smiled as he moved further into the room and tapped Blair on the shoulder. "Hey, Simon, how ya doing today?"

"Pretty good, Sandburg, I see you're in rare form. Playing the clown for Mom and Jim, eh?"

"Well, they seemed to be down today, so I needed to cheer them up."

"Simon, can you ask the doctor when I can get out of here?" Jim asked with a whine.

"Yeah, but I need to talk to Sandburg first." As Simon went out into the hallway, Blair followed and was a little nervous.

"What's up, Simon?"

"Your father wants to see you. He's going to sign all the paperwork to not put everyone through a long trial, if you go and see him. He said he has things to tell you."

"Okay, I'll go and see him now. Are you going to stay with Jim and Naomi?"

"Sure, I don't need to work at the station. I don't have anything better to do." Simon said laughing.

Blair had a sad look on his face and said, "I can't leave them alone, not yet, Simon." Simon quickly said, "Sandburg, I was joking. Calm down."

Blair left and Simon sat down with the two patients and they both started bitching about the hospital at the very same time. Simon didn't know how Blair was doing this. Little did he know that Blair was on the verge of a breakdown. He was so tired, he never slept and he never relaxed. He always had to be up for either his mom or Jim. No one seemed to notice.

When Blair arrived at the station, Brown took him right in to see Mr. Sandburg and Blair sat down and Sandburg Sr. said, "Blair, I need to tell you some things and it's important."

"Well, I'm here. I'm listening."

"First of all, I used all of Naomi's fertilized eggs for my wife to carry her babies. So, all of my children are Naomi's too."

"What kind of a man does that?"

"The same type that would take their child away because they couldn't carry their own child."

"So you knew all along where I was? Who I was with?"

"Do I look stupid, of course I did but my wife would have divorced me and her family is the one with all the money."

"I had the other eggs in the freezer at a friend's lab and knew we could have more and they would be just like you. Who knew that my wife would have a breakdown and never love any of the children? She only longed for you."

"This is so sad, Mr. Sandburg, don't you see how terrible it was to both women?"

"You're real mother was a slut, Blair. She deserved what she got. Nothing. But you on the other hand, turned out beautifully, except for the gay part."

"Well, I'm not changing, so you can get over that fast."

"You might reconsider when I tell you what's in store. I found Jim's mother and I can give the information to him for the right price."

"Fuck you, you can't do that to him. Tell him or not, I'm still not leaving him."

"Well, on Mother's Day when he's depressed, don't you come running to me for the news. This is a one time only chance."

"And what if I do leave Jim? What then? You're saying his mother is alive and he'll be able to see her?"

"Yes, to all."

"I hate you, you can't imagine how much."

"Yes I can, Blair but that's too bad. I know what's best for you. You must go and live with your siblings."

"Wait a minute, I'm not living with them."

"Then this is off."

"Mr. Sandburg, this can't happen. I can't leave Cascade. It's important. You'll never understand but it's something I have to do."

"That's fine, Blair, then Jim will never know his mother's address and why she hasn't come around."

"Can I think about it until tomorrow?"

"No, you make up your mind by tonight, or I'm calling it off."

"Why do you want me to live with your children, I don't understand that part?"

"Because you're family, Blair. They need you, you're going to look out for them now."

"I'll be back tonight with the answer."

"Not so fast. Just in case you decide to not take me up on it, I thought I'd let you know that a hit man has been hired for Jim if things don't go my way."

"Jesus, will you stop at nothing?"

"I'll stop when you stop hanging around with that pervert."

"I'll see you this evening." Blair left the room with his head hanging down. Conner shouldn't have but she listened to the conversation while they were in there. Now she had to decide what to do about it. She'd go and see Jim and Simon and let them know.

Blair went to Jim's dad's house and rang the doorbell. William opened the door and said, "Blair, come in. How are you? You seem tired."

"I'm really tired, Bill. I need to ask some questions and would love if you could just answer them and not ask me any back."

"Go ahead, Blair."

"Bill, do you know why your wife left?"

"Yes, we didn't see eye to eye on things. She liked to sleep with other men and I didn't like her to."

"And did you ever hear from her again?"

"Now and then she'd call and tell me that she'd be here to see the boys but she would never show up. I finally stopped telling the boys."

"So did you know where she was?"

"Yes, I knew. She was in Seattle. Why?"

"My father says that he has information on her whereabouts and I have to make a deal with him to get it. But I need to know if it's something you already know because what he wants in return will kill me a little each day."

"He wants you to leave Jimmy for information on his mother?"

"Yes, exactly. I'm not wild about it, but Jim has always wondered what happened to his mom. Always."

"Blair, I know where she is. I can tell Jim if you want me to."

"Then he said if that fell through, and I didn't go and live with my siblings, he had paid a hit man to kill Jim. So I don't know what to do."

Bill hugged blair and said, "don't worry about it, I'll go and talk to him. How does that sound?"

"No, Bill. I don't want you involved."

"Okay. How about if I send my lawyer and tell him that I've put out hits on his children too. So we'll all have to suffer together?"

"No Bill, that won't work. I can't do that. I'll stay quiet. I won't even go see him tonight but I have to tell you, if Jim ends up dead, I'll follow soon after him. I won't be able to live knowing I killed him."

"Blair, do what you think is necessary, but I feel like you're giving in to his pressure and that'll just make him come up with more demands."

"I don't know why he wants me to live with my family, but that bothers me. He's nuts."

"Yes, he is Blair, but thank god, that's not always handed down from parent to child. Jimmy's Mom is insane also."

"In a hospital?"

"No, she's nuts. She calls from time to time and doesn't even know that it was years ago, instead she thinks it was a week ago."

"Bill, have you ever wondered if she had other problems?"

"No, she isn't a sentinel. She's just nuts and she wouldn't let those boys love her for anything. The total opposite of Jimmy."

"Yeah, that's true. He is quite the loving character, isn't he? I adore him. He's such a good man and can't wait to get him home."

Bill walked Blair to the front door slowly.

"Well, I better get, Bill. I'm going to go and talk to my father and turn him down and then I'll put the word out to watch his every move and see whom he talks to."

"Good idea. We'll see you tonight at the hospital. When are they getting out?"

"I hope soon, Bill, they're wearing me out."

"See you tonight, Blair. Take care and drive carefully."

As Blair drove off, he was thinking of how nice it would be to be able to actually sleep and not dream bad things. It had been ages. When he got to the station, he walked into the interrogation room. Rafe brought his father up for him to see and then Rafe walked out."

"I've made up my mind. I don't need the information and nothing you could do or say would make me leave Jim. Nothing you could do or say would ever make me live with those children of yours. I didn't like them, let alone want to live with them."

"This will be the sorriest day of your life, Blair. You might want to rethink this."

"You don't scare me any more, you asshole. I love being with Jim. I love fucking him and he loves fucking me. So now you can live your life in prison with men fucking you and thinking about Jim and I, except, there's one difference, we want to. We need to. We love to. You, on the other hand, will be begging them not to. You won't want them to and you certainly won't need them to. So tell me, dear old dad, who's going to be the sorriest?"

Blair got up and walked out of the room. Rafe had heard the conversation and Blair smiled and said, "could you watch who he calls in the next week or so. He said he's going to have Jim killed."

"Sure, you know we won't let him have any calls that could hurt Jim."

As he was walking out of the station, his siblings walked up to him. "Blair," Sarah said, "when's daddy getting out of here?"

"Never, Sarah. He tried to kill a police officer. That's frowned upon."

"You're going to leave him to rot in prison while you're off enjoying the money from Grandfather?" Benjamin asked, "he'd be rolling over in his grave if he knew that his money went to you."

"You'll be glad to know that I'm going to give the money to charity. So we don't have to worry about any of it any longer."

"Oh my god," Rachel said, "Blair, we're almost broke. We don't even have enough for Daddy's lawyer. What are we going to do now?"

"Got me, your problem. I won't have a dime," Blair said as he walked out of the precinct.

He stopped off at Wonderburger and picked up some food for Jim. He thought Jim deserved a break for a change. As he was pulling out of the driveway another car ran into him and smashed Jim's truck. It wasn't his fault, but Blair knew that Jim was going to have a cow. The police were called and Rafe and Brown heard it on the scanner and they went when they recognized the plates. When they drove up, Rafe noticed that Blair was on the verge of crying, so he told the cop to send the copy of the reports to them and they pulled Blair into their car. They knew the truck would be towed to the precinct.

"What's going on, Blair?" Rafe asked.

"Nothing. That person ran into me, I didn't do anything. I was just driving. I was trying to do something nice for Jim so he wouldn't be so grouchy and this is what happens. He's going to kill me."

"Blair, he's not going to kill you." Brown said.

"He's never happy. He wants more from me all the time. I'm so tired, guys. I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know who I am anymore. Where the hell do I fit now?"

Brown could see a man cracking so they pulled away and into the alley across the street. Rafe pulled him into his arms and said, "hey, let it go, Blair. Relax, Simon's up there with Jim."

Sobbing, Blair couldn't believe what a baby he was being, but he just kept crying harder and harder. Rafe just kept holding on to him and didn't let up even for a moment. Finally, Blair started falling asleep. They drove off and Brown said, "let's take him home to the loft and we'll let him get some rest. One of us can stay with him and one can go to the hospital."

So Brown carried Blair upstairs. Blair didn't wake once. They carried him upstairs to he and Jim's bed and they tucked him in. Brown whispered, "Rafe, you go to the hospital and be sure that Jim understands that things have to change or he'll lose him for sure."

Rafe went up to the hospital and Jim said, "Where the hell is Sandburg?"

"Jim, I need to talk to you about Blair." Rafe said quietly.

"What happened? What's wrong?" Jim asked beginning to panic.

"Jim, wait a minute." Simon said, "give him a minute to explain and calm down."

"Fine, so tell us where Blair is and what's wrong." Jim demanded this time.

"We took him to the loft. He was getting you something from Wonderburger, even though he's on the verge of exhaustion, from taking care of you and Naomi's every need. Someone ran into him and he got hysterical."

"Is he hurt, Rafe?" Jim asked this time quietly and saddened.

"No, he's not hurt, he's tired. He was sobbing Ellison, it was one of the saddest things I've ever seen in my life. You and Naomi are so worried about yourselves that you didn't even think how bad this was hurting him."

"So where is he?" Jim asked still rather quietly.

"He's at the loft sound asleep and Brown's with him. Don't worry about it." Rafe said almost angrily. "Didn't anyone notice that for the last ten days, he's been a mess and no one has asked him how he was?"

"Well, I'm heading over to the loft, Jim and I'll check on him. I promise, I'll see to it that he sleeps tonight."

"That's not all, sir. You might want to hear the rest of this." Rafe continued.

Rafe filled them in on his meeting with his dad, and what he had threatened Blair with. Then he told them Blair went to see Jim's dad and then decided against the blackmail thing. When he threatened Jim again, Blair just started to lose it.

Jim buzzed his buzzer and asked for the doctor. He came walking in and said, "Mr. Ellison, how many times am I'm going to have to tell you, you're not ready to go home yet?"

"Well, I'm leaving the hospital whether you like it or not. I have things I need to take care of. So give me the stupid papers to sign so I can get out of here. I have things to do."

"I'm getting out too, I can help with him." Naomi said, "I'm not staying here by myself."

"You're both missing the whole point. He's so tired he can't even walk anymore." Rafe said with disgust.

"Fine, I'll stay here but someone better promise that he'll be looked after." Jim said, growling.

That night at the hospital, Naomi and Jim realized that they had used Blair terribly. They vowed to make things better as soon as they got healthier and back on their feet.

The following morning, Blair woke up and Brown was sleeping in the bed with him. On top of the covers, mind you, but still sleeping in his bed. Why, he wondered? He got out of bed and got into the shower. There was a knock at the door and Blair said, "come on in. I'm decent."

Brown stuck his head in the door and said, "feeling better, hairboy?"

"Yeah, Brown, thanks." Blair said, "how did you ever talk Jim into this?"

"Well, we just told him how tired you were and he and Naomi went along with it. In fact, you aren't supposed to go back up there for two days."

"He's that mad about the truck." Blair said dejectedly.

"No, he's not mad about the truck. He's worried about you."

"Henry, I fucked up big time, this stretch. He'll never let me drive now." Blair said trying to laugh.

"First of all, it wasn't your fault. Secondly, you were too tired to be doing anything. So I don't want to hear anymore nonsense about this."

"Did anyone keep an eye out for my family members making phone calls and so on?"

"Yes, they were all followed by private eyes. Mr. Ellison paid for those and Mr. Sandburg didn't get to make any phone calls, so you don't have to worry about him."

"Thanks, H. You're the best."

"Just doing my job, Blair, just doing my job." Brown said laughing.

Who Am I Now 8

Mr. Blair Sandburg Senior was sitting in the cell wondering if things could get any worse when they brought in another man. He was very rough looking; like a motorcycle gang member. Dirty, rough but just what Mr. Sandburg might be looking for. He wandered over to the man and sat next to him.

The stranger looked at Mr. Sandburg and moved further away from him. Mr. S. moved closer and the man held up his hand and said, "I'm going to kill you, you little fuck, if you don't get away from me."

"You're just the type of person I was looking for." Mr. Sandburg said.

"And what type would that be, Mr. High and Mighty?" the cellmate asked, laughing.

"I want someone that's tough enough, but not afraid. Are you afraid of anyone, mister?"

"Not hardly, dumb shit. Now do you mind getting away from me? Move it."

"I have a proposition for you. First of all, what are you in for?"

"Well, they think I murdered someone, but they can't prove it. Hey, I have an alibi."

"Glad to hear it. Now if a certain person paid to have a lawyer get you out, would you be interested in taking someone out for a good sum of money?"

"Depends on how much and who it is. I mean, like I wouldn't kill the president, I have certain standards man."

Standing up, he stuck out his hand and said, "I'm Blair Sandburg Senior and you are?"

The dirty man stood up taking Mr. Sandburg's hand, shook it and said, "I'm Mason."

"Mason? Is that your first or last name?"

"Hey, I don't give a fuck about you, why do you care about me. Just get over on the other side of the cell. You're strange."

"You're right, I'm sorry. Okay, Mason, how much would you charge for a cop? His name's Jim Ellison, here in Major Crime."

"I charge the same price for almost all men. $5,000."

"Fine. How do I get this done? I need to take care of it, now!"

"You can hire me now and I get payment up front."

"Before you do it? That makes no sense whatsoever."

"Fine, asshole, do it yourself when you get out then."

My lawyer will give you the money. Don't say anything to him because he doesn't know what's going on here. He's going to think that I've hired you to watch Blair."

"Who the hell is Blair? Your daughter?" Mason laughed at his little joke and then glared at Mr. Sandburg when he saw the pissed off look on his face.

"He's my son, Mason and I would suggest you be a little nicer to me, or you won't make a dime."

"Fine. Set it up. I'll be out of here by tonight. Who's the lawyer and where do I find him?"

A cop walked up to the cell and said, "Mason, you're up."

Mr. Sandburg said, "Mason, don't forget the deal."

"Geeze, Sandburg, I think I can remember something that took place ten minutes ago. I'll go and see your lawyer."

"Good luck, Mason."

"Fuck you, Sandburg." Mason called out as he walked with the cop to the door.

Mr. Sandburg found himself wondering if he'd gotten himself in a little too deep. But then again, it didn't matter as long as Ellison was dead.

As the cop brought Mr. Mason into the interrogation room, Simon came walking in and said, "so what did you get."

"Well, Simon, I got plenty. Here's the tape I had on me. None of the cops found it, so, it's okay. They don't know I'm a cop, so that works out even better. I have to get out tonight and see his lawyer. He'll have the money for me. Now do we pick the lawyer up too, or would it be a waste of time. Sandburg even said that the lawyer was clean."

"Mason, I can't thank you enough for doing this. I knew that if we used someone here it would be too easy. That's why I called you. You're far enough away where folks don't know you."

"Simon, don't worry, I've only been in Cascade twice and met no one either time. This is going to work out all right. I'll pick up the money and the next tape with the recording on it. Then arrest me again and have me put in with him. We need to get ready to say that Ellison's dead and it's got to look like the real thing, know what I mean?"

"I'll inform his friends and relatives right away. That way they won't get taken off guard. Thanks again, Mason."

"I'll call you this afternoon, Simon. Then we can set up a pickup point."

Mason got out of jail and went to the lawyer's office and received the cash in an envelope and the lawyer said, "I certainly hope that you won't be doing anything that will get Mr. Sandburg into any more trouble."

"Man, don't worry, this won't hurt him at all." Mason said as he strolled out of the fancy office smiling and humming.

Simon called everyone into the office and said, "Where's Sandburg?"

Brown said, "he's sleeping, Sir. I thought he should get a little more sleep before we make him actually do something."

"What's going on, sir?" Rafe asked.

"Well, as of one hour from now, Jim Ellison's going to be dead."

"What?" Joel said in anger.

"Calm down. It's a hoax, of course. Blair's dad has put a hit out on our man Ellison, and I have someone working undercover on it. We're going to nail that bastard but good. Anyhow, it'll be announced in one hour. So, someone get over to the loft to sit with Blair. If he heard about it on television, he wouldn't know it wasn't true."

"Yes sir, leaving right now." Brown said as he and Rafe got their things before heading over to the loft.

Joel was put on guard duty at the hospital. William came up and asked the doctor if they could be released. He'd take them to his house. William felt it would be safer than the hospital and he would be right. Joel said he agreed and they all went to William Ellison's house. Naomi was put into Steven's old room, which was now a beautiful spare room and Jim was put in his old room, which was also a spare room.

While this was taking place, Simon and Joel were really busy taking care of it and were unaware of the fact that Rafe and Brown had to stop for a really bad accident and give first aid. Getting caught up in the moment, they didn't even notice how much time had passed. They were shocked to learn three hours had passed. Both yelling about where the time went, they got in their car and put their siren on, hoping to get to Blair in time for him to miss the news coverage.

Blair awoke to the smell of coffee. God, those guys are so nice, he thought. Nothing beats a good cup of coffee. He sat down on the sofa, drinking his coffee and reading the paper, when a news announcement interrupted the show.

The newswoman was asking Simon, "Captain Banks, was Detective Ellison one of your men?"

"Yes, he was one of the finest officers we've ever had."

"Do you know who was behind this hit?" she asked.

"Yes, it was a Mr. Blair Sandburg, Senior. He paid to have the hit put out. We have both men under lock and key."

Blair sat there in shock. Then he realized that no one knew how to tell him. Or maybe they hated him because his father had killed their good friend. No way could he just stay here and wait for them to come and see him. He would get out of the city as fast as he could. He had the money, thank god. He'd run and get a bunch out so they couldn't trave it. Blair jumped up and started stuffing things in his backpack and got some shampoo and razors and was out the door before the news announcement was even done.

He jumped into the cab he hailed and asked to go to the bank. The man waited while Blair went into the bank and got a lot of money out. Then Blair went to a car dealership. He needed a good vehicle, one that no one would associate with him. When he paid cash, no one batted an eye at him buying the nice truck. He got himself a really nice Dodge pickup with a back seat. The whole time he kept thinking how much Jim would love this truck...and he would have.

Blair got everything he needed and then took off for wherever. He didn't have a clue yet. About 50 miles out of town, he had to pull over to the side of the road because he was crying to hard to see. Oh god, my soul is never going to be the same, Jim. I miss you, babe. I miss you so much.

As he was just sitting there crying, a police car drove up behind him. They could tell that the driver had his head on the steering wheel and both officers decided to be very careful.

The first officer rapped on the window and Blair jumped and stared at him. The officer could then see that Blair was crying. Plus, the officer recognized Sandburg. He said, "Detective Sandburg, could you step out of the car, please?"

"Why? I've not done anything." Blair said.

"Detective, could you please get out of the car?" The officer asked again and the other guy was giving him a "what the hell look?"

"Fine." Blair said as he got out of the truck. He started throwing his wallet at both cops and by then he was screaming at them.

The first officer said, "I'm going to call this in."

"Please, Officer Jenner, could you let it go? Please. I lost my partner today. You must know how I'd feel, right?" Blair begged.

"Just a moment, Detective." Jenner said as he went to call Major Crime and see if this was true. He hadn't heard anything about Jim Ellison.

In the meantime, Brown and Rafe finally got to the loft and found it empty and knew their ass was grass. Jim was going to be so fucking pissed off, they'd never be forgiven.

They hurried back to the station and as they walked in, Ronda said, "Brown, there's a traffic cop on the line asking about Sandburg. Do you want to talk to him?"

"Hell, yes," Brown said and picked the line up saying, "Brown."

"This is Officer Jenner on Highway patrol and we've pulled over one of your officers and he was quite upset. He says that his partner was killed, but I hadn't heard that, so I needed to check with you first. He wants to leave. He says he has to get out of town."

"Officer Jenner, I'm going to put you on special duty until I get there. You're in charge of keeping Detective Sandburg right there. Tell him that Brown and Rafe are on their way to talk to him. We'll be right there."

"Okay, Detective Brown. Thanks." Jenner said and walked back to the truck and said, "Sorry, Detective Sandburg, but Detective Brown said I have to hold you here until he gets here to talk to you."

"I know my fucking rights, you can't hold me here just because Brown wants you to. I'm leaving." As he started to walk away from them, they were forced to handcuff him. They put Blair in the back seat of the squad car and he just laid there with tears running down his face. His life just kept getting worse and worse. This was such a fucking nightmare. Officer Jenner felt bad doing that to him, but Detective Brown had made him swear that he'd watch over him till he got there. So that's what he was going to do.

A car pulled up behind them and out stepped Brown and Rafe. Jenner recognized them both. He and his partner got out and shook hands with Brown and Rafe. "Thanks for watching out for our friend." Brown said.

"No problem, Sir." Jenner said.

"Why don't you get him out of the cuffs and you can both take off. We'll handle it from here on in. Thank you so much, Officers." Rafe said calmly.

Officer Jenner got Blair out of the back seat and took the cuffs off. Blair just stared at the ground, not looking at either Brown or Rafe. Both Officers then drove off leaving Brown to handle this mess.

"Sandburg, what the fuck do you think you're doing just taking off? What the hell do you think your blessed protector is going to say about that, eh?"

"Brown, I heard the news announcement, I know that my dad had him killed." Blair said with such anguish that Rafe was starting to tear up and he knew Ellison was alive.

"Blair, Jim's not only alive, but dying to see you. He's over at his dad's house." Rafe said.

"You swear?" Blair asked looking through his tears.

"Yup, now where the hell did you get this new pickup?" Brown said, "do we have to pick you up for car theft?"

"Very funny, Brown. I bought it before I left."

"Well, Rafe is going to drive it back and you're going to ride with me, okay?" Brown asked.

"And I'm going to see Jim?" Rafe and Brown both felt so bad, at how pitiful that question sounded.

"Yes, we're going right now. Come on, let's get a move on."

Brown called on his radio and told Ronda to call Banks and tell him they were on their way.

Blair leaned against the window of the door and fell asleep. He was still so fucking tired, he wondered, why? Maybe something was wrong.

Brown drove carefully, but as fast as he could back to Mr. Ellison's house, with Rafe following in a new Dodge pickup that Jim was going to be crazy about. He glanced over at the sleeping man and felt so bad for him. This had been a rough period for Blair. It was too bad; because of all people that didn't deserve it, he would be the one.

When they drove up Simon was outside waiting for them. Brown stopped the car, shut it off and shook Blair saying, "Sandburg, did you want to see your partner?"

"Thanks, Brown, you're the best." And the smile was almost as good as some of his old ones that he used to give to everyone.

He stepped out of the car and Simon said, "Sandburg, you okay? I'm sorry the guys missed you. They couldn't help it. We had to try and get your dad with putting a hit on Jim."

"Henry explained it all, Simon. Don't worry about it. Can I see Jim now?" Blair asked.

"Sure, go on in." Simon said and stepped aside.

Blair walked up to the front door and didn't know what to do. He just stood there with his head leaning on the front door and was trying to get himself under control when Bill opened the door. "Blair, what's wrong? Come on in, tell me what's wrong."

"Bill, I thought Jim was dead and I was sort of upset about it."

From upstairs came a yell. "Chief, come here. Babe, come here, I need to hold you."

Blair took off running for the bedroom upstairs. He was so relieved to hear Jim's voice. He crawled into the bed with Jim and started sobbing in happiness. Jim held him tight saying, "What happened, babe?"

"No one got to me to tell me it wasn't true about you being dead. I thought my dad killed you so I was leaving town. That's when they found me. I bought you a new truck, by the way."

"What do you mean they didn't fucking tell you I was alive? So when you saw that on television, you thought I was dead?"

"Yeah, that's what I mean. I don't know what happened. Brown and Rafe had to stop to help with some accident victims and they got waylaid."

"I'm so sorry, Blair. I'm really sorry, but we got him. Simon had a friend that did the undercover work for us. It went beautifully and we figured if it was broadcast on the news, he wouldn't be able to help but brag, so that was all taped too. And what kind of truck did you get me?"

"I'm glad, Jim. I love you. It's a brand new Dodge three door pickup." And he curled into Jim's body and fell asleep. For the first time, Jim saw how exhausted his friend, lover and partner looked. It was time to take care of Blair too. He just pulled him in closer and went to sleep with him.

William walked into the room and covered both men up. Jim woke up for a moment and smiled at his dad. "Thanks, Dad."

"We'll take care of him, Jimmy, don't you worry about it." Bill said quietly.

Jim got out of bed the next morning with help from his dad. Blair was still sleeping. No one wanted to wake him up. "Dad, I need to take a shower. Could you watch Blair while I'm in there?"

"No, I'll go in the shower with you. The doctor said never by yourself. Simon can watch Blair, I'll go and get him now." Bill walked out of the room to get Simon and Jim just smiled at how well things were going, considering.

When Simon came back in he had a cup of coffee and the newspaper. He sat in a chair by the open window. William helped Jim get into the bathroom. Jim was acting like he didn't want his dad to see him naked at first and his dad said, "Jimmy, I'll have you know I've been seeing you naked since the day you were born, so why would it change now?"

"Well, it's not quite the same dad." Jim answered, laughing.

"Come on, step out of those pajama's." William said.

Jim stepped out of his pajama's and was slowly stripped down to nothing. William helped him into the shower. "Dad, I think I can take it from here."

"Jimmy, the doctor said not to leave you unattended at any time while in the shower or bath."

There was a knock on the door and Blair walked in and said, "Bill, could I take over? I need a shower too, I figure I'd get in there and hold him up."

William smiled and said, "I hope you have better luck than I did. Blair, he has to be really careful. He can't do anything strenuous."

"Don't worry, Bill, I'll give him a couple of weeks before I jump his bones." Both men, heard the laughter start up in the shower.

"Okay, Blair, be careful and just yell if you need help."

Blair took his clothes off and Jim watching him started getting hard from the vision alone. Blair smiled at him when he saw Jim's hard cock and stepped into the shower. "I'll take care of that for you, Jim."

William had put a chair in the big shower, so Blair had Jim sitting on the chair and went down on his knees and started sucking Jim off. Jim was moaning and groaning like he hadn't had sex in a year. Blair stopped and said, "Jim I suggest you try to hold it down, or your father will kick my ass." Jim put his hand over his mouth and tried to be quiet. Then he tried to meet Blair's mouth with his bucking hips, but Blair pushed him down and did all the work himself. He didn't want to hurt Jim in any way.

Jim came down Blair's throat and Blair felt him rubbing his head like he was a genie in a bottle. "Looking for some free wishes, guy?"

"Hell no, I got everything I could ever want. God, I love you, Blair."

"And you say you suck at romance. Well, I guess I should reword that." Laughing, he got up but Jim stopped him and put his hand on Blair's rock hard cock. "No, Jim, you're not doing that, instead I'm going to do myself and you're going to watch and have such fun that you won't know if you're coming or going."

Blair started stroking himself and was really getting into it. Jim sat on the chair and was breathing hard again. Blair looked down and saw that Jim was hard again. "Blair, could you sit on my cock, please?"

"Jim, you are such a slut but you're my slut." He got himself loosened up and sat on Jim's cock. Jim again, had to put a hand over his mouth to keep from screaming out. Blair did all the work. Until it came time for Jim getting close, then he couldn't stop Jim from pounding harder up into him. As Jim came, Blair did too. "Jesus, I'm so glad you're mine, Jim."

Jim was holding on to Blair for dear life and Blair got worried and said, "Jim, did we hurt something doing that?" Jim shook his head no. Blair said, "are you just happy to be here with me?" Jim shook his head in the affirmative. "Good, because I'm really happy to be with you too. I love you, big man."

Blair could feel the shaking in Jim's shoulders and knew it was more tears of relief than anything else. So he just held on for dear life. They were both lucky to have each other and Blair vowed to make sure and tell this to Jim every single day.

When they got out of the shower, Blair dried Jim off and got him in his clean clothing and they exited the bathroom. William was standing there glaring at Blair. Jim said, "Dad, please don't even go there. We're adults. We can decide what to do and what not to do."

"Jimmy, you and Blair both promised me to be really careful. That doctor said you can't do anything strenuous or you'll pull those stitches inside. "Dad, would it make you feel better to know that Blair did everything for me, so I didn't even have to move?" William walked out of the room and Blair glared at Jim and said, "way to go, Jim. You can be a total asshole sometimes."

Blair hurried after William and said, "Bill, please let me talk to you. I wouldn't hurt Jim for anything. I wouldn't let him do what he wanted to. I'm not going to tell you what we did, but I can tell you that Jim was on the chair the whole time. Does that make you feel a little better about it?"

"Blair, I'm sorry. I'm just worried about him and, yeah, it does make me feel better. Thanks."

"No problem. How's my mom this morning?"

"Go and see for yourself. Sally helped her shower this morning, so she said she feels like a new person now. She looks wonderful Blair. She's a little self-conscious about her hair, but that'll grow back fast enough."

"Bill, thank you so much for letting her stay here. You can't imagine how much this helps me. I was a little tired with running for both of them all by myself."

"Blair, all you ever have to do is call me and you know I'd help with anything, anytime."

"Thanks again for everything, Bill. I'm going to go and see my mom now."

"I'll get Jimmy some breakfast."

"Bill, I'd let him wait after he got smart with you. Show him who's boss." Blair laughed as he headed down the hallway.

"Good morning, Mom." Blair said as he waltzed into the room.

"Hi sweetie, are you feeling better? I hear that you had quite a bad scare. William was telling me all about it and I wanted to see you last night, but he said you were sleeping with Jim and I figured you needed your rest."

Naomi moved over on the bed and Blair climbed into bed with her and into her arms. "Yeah, it was scary, Mom. I thought something happened to Jim and I didn't know what to do without him."

"Blair, sweetie, I wanted to tell you how proud of you I am. You've behaved so well and made me so happy and glad to call myself your mother. I wanted to tell you how much I think of Jim too. I really, really love him. Like my own son, and I'm just telling you that you have my blessing."

"Blair hugged her hard and said, "Thanks, Mom. I love him too. He's great. We have our bad days, but most of the time, he's great. Thank you for loving both of us."

"You're welcome, sweetheart. I'm so glad that you two found each other. A lot of folks go their whole lives trying to find the other half of their soul or heart and they never connect with anyone."

"Mom, I couldn't agree more. I love you." They both lay in bed just letting the sunshine warm their bodies and fell asleep. Meanwhile, in Jim's room, he was asking his dad, "did Blair say when he was coming back?"

"Nope, Jimmy. Sorry. He's resting with Naomi and should be left alone for awhile." Bill Ellison smiled evilly as he walked out of the room with poor Jim just pouting in the background.

Who Am I Now? Part 9

When Jim woke up Steven was sitting on the bed. "Hey Steven, what are you doing here?"

"Well, I thought I'd come and see you and find out if something is true."

"What?" Jim asked nervously.

"Jimmy, please tell me they're kidding about you and Blair sleeping together. I will not listen to talk of my brother being a fag. Jimmy, what the hell is wrong with you?"

"Stevie, settle down, don't get all crazy. I'm not gay. I'm not."

"So you don't let Blair stick his dick in your ass?"

"Stevie, don't worry, okay. That's not happening."

"Well, I hope not, Jimmy, because I would be embarrassed to say you're my brother from that point on. The idea of you letting anyone stick their dick up your ass is beyond comprehension."

"Stevie, you don't have to worry about it. I told you, I'm not gay, okay?" This is a sentinel thing, I'll get it under control and that'll be it."

Blair stood out in the hallway of Jim's room and was beyond hurt. Blair didn't want to hear anymore. He took off downstairs and went to tell William where he was going but he lied.

Blair took off and went to the loft and moved out everything he owned. Then he went and got an apartment and moved in. He was so pissed off he could hardly see straight. Well, he was straight because fucking Jim Ellison said he wasn't gay. Fuck...

"Just answer me, Jimmy. Do you fuck him?"

"Yeah, I do, Stevie, and he fucks me too. You know what? I was trying to keep you calm so you didn't bother everyone else in the house, but fuck you."

"I can't believe you're into that sick shit. God, I'm embarrassed to say you're my family. You're such an asshole using Dad like this."

"Steven." William yelled as he came through the door. "Take that all back. You take back every single bad thing you said and tell Jimmy that you're sorry."

"I don't have to dad. I'm a grown man and can make up my own mind. I think it's sick that he's sleeping with a guy."

"Then leave and don't come back until you can practice a little tolerance."

"Fuck all of you, you're all insane." Steven screamed as he made his way for the front door.

"Jimmy, how long have the two of you been discussing this? Please don't tell me that you were going at it for awhile.?

"Why? What's up, Dad?"

"Blair came down about 40 minutes ago pretty upset and said he needed to go shopping for some things that he told you about. I didn't want to pry. Then I found out your brother was up here."

"Oh god, Dad. What if he heard me telling Stevie?"

"Well, you didn't say anything wrong, did you?"

"Yeah, I did. When he first asked me, I was all defensive and I denied me and Blair."

"Jesus, Jimmy. He'll not get over that too soon. I'm beginning to think this poor man has no luck at all."

"Dad, will you bring me the phone so I can put an APB out on him?"

"No, but I'll go and look for him and see if I can find him."

"Dad, I have to find him."

Moving into his new apartment wasn't that hard to do. He didn't have much and it was a furnished apartment. Blair put everything where he thought it should go and decided to go and buy some food and beer. If nothing else he could watch television and drink all night long. I'll just show up at the bullpen tomorrow, and expect to work; maybe they'll let me.

Blair found the card with the number of the hotel of his brother and sisters on it. He dialed the number and asked for their room. Sarah answered, "Hello."

"Hi, Sarah. How are you doing today?" Blair asked.

"Blair, it's so good to hear from you. You disappeared and we didn't know if we'd see you before we left town. We leave in the morning. Could we see you tonight?"

"Yeah, that would be nice. Let's meet at Simoni's. Its got great food. At 7:00?"

"Blair, let me ask if that's okay with Rachel and Benjamin." Sarah said and went off to ask her siblings what they wanted to do. Coming back to the phone she said, "yeah, 7:00 is fine with them. We'll see you there."

"Okay, I'm looking forward to seeing you." Blair said.

When he hung up he felt bad because he felt like he was doing something that Jim wouldn't have liked, but he didn't care at the moment. He was sitting down reading a book when there was a knock at the door.

He looked out the peephole and saw it was William Ellison and he opened the door. "Hi Bill, what are you doing out tonight?"

"Jimmy made a huge mistake tonight and Blair, he knows it. He was freaking when his brother first talked to him about being gay and he lost his nerve. You probably overheard what he said then. Actually, I don't know what was said, but I do know that Jimmy wanted an APB put out on you and I talked him out of it."

"Bill, this isn't going to work. I'm exhausted. This is taking everything out of me. He's too much work."

"Blair, last week that wouldn't have been a bad thing, but now it is?"

"Bill, he told Steven that he would never let me fuck him. He wasn't gay. I'm sorry but I can't live like that."

"Blair, I don't blame you for being mad, but please think about it and give him another chance. He'll be lost without you and I did want to tell you that he told him in the end."

"Well, that's great, Bill, but it doesn't make me feel one bit better. Now I'd really like to just be alone."

"Blair, please, think about it and get back to me in the next few days."

After William left, Blair went to the bank and opened up accounts for his sisters and his brother. They had suffered through all this too. Blair didn't want them to have to suffer any longer so he put $400,000 in each of their accounts. Blair figured that he'd still have a lot to use for charity; his mother and he even wanted to set something up for Jim and William. Blair got all of the paperwork done and started out for the restaurant.

On the way, he was listening to music that reminded him of he and Jim and kept crying softly. Sandburg, get a grip, you've got to get over this.

When he got to Simoni's, he walked in and the family was waiting for him. The girls hugged him and Sarah said, "Blair, we're so sorry about our parents."

"Let's sit down and then we'll order, drink and talk." Blair said.

As they walked to the dining room, Blair saw Rafe with his girlfriend. Rafe stood up and came over to him. Blair looked at his family and said, "you go and sit down, a friend of mine wants to talk to me. I'll be right back."

Rafe started over to Blair and Blair headed for the front door and went out. Rafe walked out too. "Blair, where the fuck are you going?"

"Rafe, I really don't want to talk tonight. Okay? I just wanted to meet with my siblings before they leave and just not have to think about why I hate Jim so much tonight."

"Man, what did the prick do now?" Rafe said with such coldness that it made Blair stand back a little.

"Just being an Ellison, he can't help it."

"Blair, he's a prick. He's always been a prick and he'll always be a prick. But it's all in how you look at it. He could be your prick to push around and enjoy at the same time. He could be someone else's prick or you could not even care who's prick he was."

Blair couldn't help it. He started laughing. "Thanks Rafe. I was feeling sorry for myself. I think I just need a few days to myself and then I'll call him."

"I better get back to my date. Are you coming in tomorrow as planned?"

"Yeah, I'm looking forward to it. Hey, you want my new address?" Blair got out his notebook and wrote down the address and phone number. Handing it to Rafe, he said, "I'd love to see you guys pop in some night."

Blair went back to his family dinner. His siblings were acting quite nice actually. Blair figured that they were afraid that they'd be charged with accessory to attempted murder. Right in the middle of dinner, Blair handed them their savings books. They all just had this weird look on their faces.

Blair said, "is something wrong with the amount?"

"No, not at all, we're just surprised." Benjamin said sadly. "Our dad told us that you'd spent it and we wouldn't see a dime. He's a very cruel man, Blair."

"Tell me about it, Ben."

"We've always hated you, Blair." Rachel said with such sadness that Blair wanted to cry. "You have no idea what it was like growing up thinking that some day you'd come back and that would be what they both wanted. Dad didn't like any of us. None of us were his Blair."

"Rachel, what's really sad is he knew where I was the whole time I was growing up." Blair said.

"No! You're kidding, right?" Rachel asked.

"I wish I was. They were a weird couple. Now I have some other things to tell you." Blair said.

"What's up," Ben asked.

"Your Mom wasn't really your mom. She carried you, but the eggs they used were Naomi's. Chances are you're Naomi's children. I'm really sorry."

All of them just sat there with their mouths hanging open and Ben said, "well, actually, I'd rather have Naomi as my mom than ours."

"Yes, I think I agree with that, Ben." Rachel said sadly.

"I have a quick question, Blair," Sarah asked, "where's Jim? How come he's not here? I figured he'd want to say goodbye to us too."

"You made it perfectly clear that you were uncomfortable with him around, so I figured I'd give you a break." Blair said sighing.

All three siblings started laughing really hard and Blair wondered what the joke was and how come he didn't get it.

"What's up?" Blair asked.

"Well, I never told my dad, but I'm gay, Blair." Sarah said. "I'd like you to meet my SO one of these days."

"That would be great. So you're all okay with this?" Blair asked happily.

"Blair, we really want you to be happy. Really, we do," Ben said. "There were too many years of unhappiness in that house. Seeing someone happy has a nice feel to it."

"I'd like to have you all over for dinner in about a month." Blair invited nicely, "Jim and I are trying to work out the newness in our relationship yet." In the back of Blair's mind, he was wondering if and when they'd be working anything out. He hoped so. He loved Jim more than life itself but he didn't know if he could put up with all of Jim's insecurities. Oh, who was he kidding? He could put up with almost anything. He adored that man. Shit, he was moving back to the loft soon. As soon as he talked to Jim about a few things.

Back at the Ellison house, Jim was having a nervous breakdown. He knew that his dad had seen Blair, but didn't tell him anything about it. He was mad at Jim. Sally and Naomi were also mad at Jim for being an insensitive jerk. Which he was Jim knew. He was aware of his shortcomings. God, what the fuck was he going to do without Blair? Jim knew that he would be lost. He couldn't even try and tell himself that he'd be all right knowing full well that he'd fall flat on his face after being separated for only one day.

Jim heard someone at the door and it was Rafe. He was hoping that maybe someone would come over and tell him what was going on with Blair. Rafe walked into the bedroom and said, "okay, Ellison, what'd you do?"

"You've seen Blair?"

"Well, of course, I've seen Blair. Did you know that he went and got his own apartment. He said he couldn't live with you and he was really mad at you."

"Fuck, fuck, fuck..."

"Well, as always, Jim, you're a man of many words." Rafe said laughing.

"You think that it's fucking funny that Blair left me? You have a very bizarre sense of humor. I'm not going to be able to make it without him."

"Then maybe you should have thought before you did whatever stupid thing you did. What the hell did you do anyhow?"

"I was embarrassed with my brother finding out about me being with Blair. To tell you the truth, no one had called us gay up until then. I guess I thought we weren't. I know, stop giving me the 'God, he's stupid' looks."

"So you denied Blair? Is that what you did, Jim? Please, tell me you didn't."

"I wish I could, Brian, but I'm a stupid asshole and Blair heard me. Shit, what the hell am I going to do without him?"

"So you're over him already? I mean you're giving up already?"

"Well, I'm not going to beg, Rafe. I have my pride, ya know?"

"Tell your pride that when you're lying in bed alone hot and horny some night. If I were you, I'd be begging and I know where he's going to be tomorrow."

"Where's he going to be tomorrow?"

"At the station. He's coming in for his first day. You'd know about that, but you were too busy denying Blair to hear about that."

"Rafe, has anyone ever told you, you can be an asshole too?"

"Yes, Ellison many times. But, at least, I know that I would be on my knees begging. That's the difference between me and you."

"Jesus, I can't beg his forgiveness in the bullpen, Rafe. It's not like we want everyone to know about us."

"Whatever, man. I just came to tell you that Brown and I are going to go and hang with Blair this weekend and watch the game. We're glad that you won't be there. You're such a prick sometimes, Ellison."

"Fine, I'll come down to the station tomorrow and see him, but don't tell him I'm coming, okay?"

"Good enough, Jim. Now sleep. You'll need all the rest you can get to keep up with a pissed off Sandburg tomorrow."

After Rafe left, Jim found it hard to go to sleep because he knew he had a lot to ask forgiveness for tomorrow and he didn't have a clue as to how he'd do it yet. But he did know one thing, he needed Blair to come back to the loft. He couldn't make it without him.

The sun was shining on Blair's face and he smiled. God, how he loved the sun. He got up and looked out the window and smiled again. It was a beautiful day. Blair was really excited about going back to work. Simon had made him feel so good asking him to come in today. Now, if he could just ignore phone calls from Jim, he'd have it made. Blair already knew that Jim would figure out where he was and call and bug everyone. Well, it's not going to work. Blair Sandburg, you are in control of your own life and destiny. Yeah, right. Then how come I'm hard as a rock and can't get him out of my head? Sandburg, you have a one-track mind.

Blair got into the shower, took care of that hard on and got ready for work. He was really excited. Not that kind of excited, he was really looking forward to being in the bullpen with his friends. He could hardly wait to get there.

As he locked up the apartment, he felt really good about his day, his life and his job. Now, if he just felt better about his Jim, he'd be better off. He was so in love with Jim. He'd be moving back into the loft soon. He couldn't stand staying in this new place alone. He was so damned lonely. Face it, Sandburg, you are so hooked on that big man, it isn't even funny. Not that he was complaining at all.

When Blair got to the bullpen, everyone met with him and clapped him on the back and welcomed him with open arms. Simon called him into his office first thing, "Sandburg, get in here."

Smiling, Blair stood up and walked into Simon's office. "What's up, Sir?"

"Sir?" Simon said, "wait a minute, there must be a pod somewhere. This can't be the Blair Sandburg we all know and love. He'd never call me sir, would he?"

"He would if he planned on getting paid, sir."

Laughing, Simon said, "how are things, Sandburg, really?"

"Everything is fine, Simon. Jim and I have to work out some problems, but other than that, I'm doing great. I talked with my family for hours last night. They left and went back to Seattle and I'm looking forward to seeing them again, believe it or not."

"So, how do you feel about your father and all that's happening in his life right now?"

"Sir, I really try not to think about it. I'm my mother's son. I always have been and will continue to be."

"I heard you've moved out of the loft. Is there anything I can do to help?"

"Besides kicking Jim's ass for me? No, nothing. Really sir, we'll be fine. Jim just needs to realize who's in charge."

"And that would be you, right, Sandburg?"

"But of course, Simon. Now did you call me in here for anything important, or are you going to let me get out there and bug Conner right off?"

"Get out, go bug Conner, she's been waiting all morning. She's hyped up."

Thanks Simon, for worrying about us. We'll be just fine."

"If you need any help today, kid, you know where I am. Now get out of here."

Blair left Simon's office smiling and the feeling that all was right with the world. Things were looking up. Conner walked up to him smiling. "Hey, Sandy, are you ready to be my partner?"

"Yeah, Conner, what's first on our plate?"

"Well, we could go and ask questions of the witnesses to a murder that happened last night. Rafe and Brown can't get a break on it. You and I might be able to figure out a new angle. What do you think?"

"Sounds like a plan. Let's get some coffee and get out of here. What do you think?"

"Sounds good, Sandy. I'm so glad you're back. We've missed you so much."

They went out to the murder scene and took as many notes as they could and then started questioning eyewitnesses. It was time consuming, tiring and they were getting nowhere fast. Blair came up with a few good ideas that Conner wrote down and said, "that might just be the break we're looking for, Sandy."

When they got back to the bullpen, everyone looked at them and put their heads down and Blair had a feeling that this wasn't something good. He looked at Simon's office and Jim was standing there.

"Sandy, what the hell is Jim doing here? Shit, figures he'd come back before we even have one day together."

"Simon's not letting him on duty, Megan. Don't worry about that. He's not even supposed to be out of bed yet. I might have to kill him."

Jim looked over at Blair and could see he was really pissed off. He sat down at his desk and started typing up all of the info that they had found out about today and then wrote up a report about some ideas he had to give to Brown and Rafe. He made copies for them and for Simon and Conner. Then filed them all and sat back down and saw Jim just watching him. What was he doing here? And why is he just staring at me? This is unnerving.

Blair got up and walked over to Conner's desk and said, "want to go and get some lunch? I know it's kind of early but I'm starving."

"Yeah, Sandy that'd be great. Let's get out of here." Conner said and they walked to the elevator. Jim started towards said elevator and as the door closed the look on Jim's face hurt Blair so badly he could hardly breathe.

When they got down to the parking garage, Megan pushed the up button and said, "we can go to lunch any time, Sandy. He looked really sad. You need to settle this, now."

"Thanks, Megan. I really do need to talk to him and see what's going on with us."

As they stepped off the elevator, Blair walked over to the desk and saw Jim looking down at his hands and he said, "So, Jim, why're you here for?"

Jim jumped when Blair started talking, like he hadn't been aware of him being there at all. "I need to talk to you. I was hoping that we could go for lunch or a drive."

"We can talk, but we'll stay here. I don't want to be alone with you right now, Jim. It wouldn't be a good thing. I might be tempted to smack the shit out of you."

"Blair, please, don't make me do this here. Please?"

"Fine, I know of an interrogation room that's cheap and ready for us to use."

"Good we need to talk. I have to tell you some things."

"I'm listening." Blair said as they went into the room, "so talk."

Jim pulled out a chair for Blair and asked him to sit down. They sat there for awhile just looking at each other and Jim still not saying anything.

Blair stood up and said, "well, I've really got to go now, Jim, nice seeing you. Oh, by the way, I moved out of the loft. Did you know that?"

Jim had tears in his eyes when he looked up at Blair. Jim knew that there was no hell worse than this one he'd made for himself. Now he'd have to pay for all the pain he'd caused Blair.

"Blair, please, move back to the loft. I need you there. You know I can't live alone. I can't live without you."

"And?" Blair asked, and Jim was so grateful that everyone in the bullpen wasn't hearing what he had to say.

"I love you so much Blair. I'm sorry that I denied you to my brother, I'm a prick and a jerk and I'll work on all of that."

"And?" Blair said again. Jim just hung his head.

"I want you so bad, babe. I need you more than you could ever need me. I realize that you'll be okay without me, but I won't be without you. I can't do it alone, Blair. I really can't. I love you."

Blair looked over at Jim and could see the tremors starting. Taking Jim into his arms, he knew that things were going to work out.

Jim started sobbing into Blair's neck and shoulder. Blair just slowly rubbed Jim's back and let him know he was there. Finally, when Jim calmed down, he pushed him into a chair at the table so Jim could relax.

"Jim, I'll move back into the loft tonight. All right? I want you to come home now too. We'll be together from now on and if you ever treat me like shit again, I'm going to kick your ass. Got it?"

"I got it, Blair. God, I've missed you."

"Jim, I wasn't gone that long. You are so whipped."

"Yes, I am and I'm okay with that. I love you more than you'll ever know."

"So, Jim, you going to talk to Steven about us or are you going to give up on your brother?"

"Blair, he's the one with the bigoted attitude. Why should we have to make the effort?"

"Because he's your family, Jim, and we're going to work on him until he understands and sees how much we love each other."

"Okay, I'll talk to him tonight. I'll ask him over."

"No, Jim, not tonight. I have other plans." Jim smiled for the first time since he had gotten to the bullpen and said, "you're going to hurt me tonight, aren't you, babe?"

"Never, Jim. I'd never hurt you on purpose, but you're going to feel it tomorrow."

"I gotta go and have a nap then. I'll have my dad help me get my things over to the loft. Do you mind if your mom stays at my dad's for the next few weeks?"

"No, I think they've become good friends. She loves Sally and William both. Now, get out of here and I'll see you at the loft tonight. I have to move my stuff back. I'll be a little late."

"Okay, talk to you later, Blair." Jim walked with a lighter step as he left the interrogation room, and then the bullpen. Once he was on the elevator, everyone was smiling. Blair knew that they'd be all right.

Who Am I Now? Part 10

Jim left the station like a new man. The pain in his chest was barely noticeable. He was damn lucky that Blair had a good heart and would forgive him for almost anything. Most men would have just kicked his sorry ass out and been done with it. Jim smiled at himself in the rearview mirror. He was so in love it wasn't even funny. Not that he was complaining at all.

When Jim got to his dad's house he asked, "could you help me move over to the loft tonight? "Jimmy, I don't think you're strong enough for that yet."

"Dad, please help me, okay? Blair asked me to come to the loft tonight. Alone."

"So Blair is moving back home again?"

"Yes. Could Naomi stay here for a few days till we get some things straightened out?"

"Sure, that's fine. Sally and I are enjoying Naomi's company."

William walked into the bedroom and helped Jim pack his things to go home. William wouldn't let Jim see it, but he was smiling like crazy. He knew that these two men belonged together for life.

As they were finishing up, Naomi walked into the room and hugged Jim softly as not to hurt him and said, "Jim, if you do anything stupid again, I'm going to help him kick your ass."

"Naomi, I promise to be on my best behavior. I'll never hurt him like that again."

"Jim, I'm going to take these things down to the car. You visit with Naomi for a short while."

"Thanks, dad. I'll never be able to repay you for this."

Once everything was packed into the trunk and back seat of the car, Jim and William made their way over to the loft. Jim could hardly wait to get home. After his nap, he'd make something good for dinner. Hopefully, they had some food in the house. Jesus, he didn't even think of that. Well, hell, he could just have things delivered from the deli and the grocery store. He'd figure out something. He was going to make this night good for Blair.

William started telling Jim how much he liked Blair and Jim smiled at his dad and said, "Dad, thank you so much for liking him and being so kind to both of us."

"Jimmy, things could be worse. I intend on working on your brother too. Don't think I'm letting that just go."

"Dad, let me handle Steven."

"If that's what you want, then that's what you'll get."

"Thanks a lot, Dad. I really appreciate you're helping me and wanting to talk to Steven. It means a lot to me."

When they got to the loft, Jim carried up all things that were lightweight and small. He was dying to get things arranged for later on that night. Jim was hot for Blair already and he wasn't even alone yet. Smiling, he made a quick call to the grocery to see about having groceries delivered.

Bill heard him on the phone and said, "Jimmy, tell them to cancel that. I'll go shopping for you. I don't mind, really."

"No, Dad, you've done enough as it is. Thanks so much."

As they finished up, Jim hugged his dad and walked him to the door. Jim lay down on the sofa waiting for the grocery store and the deli to show up with the deliveries. He was just starting to fall asleep when the first knock on the door sounded. Getting up, he didn't even look out the peephole, knowing he should, but was just too sleepy to even think about it. The delivery boy was standing there with four bags of groceries and Jim helped him put them on the counter. Jim got his wallet out, paid and gave him a large tip. As Jim was putting everything away, another knock on the door pulled him from his work. Knowing that it would be the deli, he opened the door, but it wasn't the deli and he felt something cold go over his face and he couldn't breathe properly. But that was the last thing he remembered. Everything went black and he was in a very peaceful place.

When Blair and Conner got done with their paperwork, they walked down to the garage together. Blair was very excited about getting home and settling in with Jim. He missed the man so much in the one night he'd been gone.

"So, Sandy, are you and Jim going to be okay?"

"Yeah, don't worry about us, Conner. We're fine. We talked it over and are working it all out tonight."

"Sounds fun, mind if I come and watch?" Laughing, she patted Blair on the back as he got into his car. "See you tomorrow, Conner. Take care."

"Night, Sandy. Tell Jim we said hello."

Both officers drove off into the early evening and neither had any idea that Jim was being held against his will somewhere in town. Blair would know once he got home and saw the mess and the things not put away. But by then it would be too late.

Blair drove home singing to the tunes on the radio and smiling the entire way. He was happier than he'd been in ages. God, how he loved that man. He couldn't wait to see him and show him how much.

When he drove up, he practically ran up the stairs not wanting to wait for the elevator, but stopped just outside the loft door. The door was ajar, making Blair wonder what was going on. Jim never left the door open. Blair pulled his gun out and opened the door up as quietly as he could. He saw the mess in the entryway. He could tell Jim had put up some type of fight before they got him. Jesus, what is going on and why would anyone want Jim, Blair wondered to himself. Blair went through the loft quickly scanning every part that could hide a person and finally realizing that he was alone, picked up the cell phone and called Simon.

After three rings, Blair heard, "Banks."

"Simon, someone took Jim from the loft."

"Blair, calm down and start over again. What the hell are you talking about? You know Jim would never let a stranger in."

"Simon, I have to call the police and let them come over and dust for prints and all of that but he's gone sir. And he put up a fight."

"Don't go anywhere or touch anything, Blair, I'll be there in ten minutes."

"Thank you, sir. I'll call the CPD right now."

Hanging up from talking with Simon, Blair dialed 911 and reported an officer missing and gave them them the info they needed before they'd go and start the man hunt. When he put the cell phone back into his jacket pocket he was on the verge of tears, but knew he had to stay professional. Soon the loft would be filled with Officers that would look for a reason to make jabs at both of them. So, he had to stay strong for Jim and for himself.

While driving over to the loft, Simon kept thinking, *do they ever have regular nights? Or do they attract all the bad guys in the world? * Pulling into the parking lot, he saw Blair on the balcony pacing. He knew Sandburg well enough to know he'd be out of his mind with worry, but he also knew that he had to be professional.

When Simon got to the door, he opened it up, seeing it was partway open already. He pushed it in and came through the door, careful not to disturb anything he thought would be important. He joined Blair out on the balcony and said, "So have you received any phone calls about this?"

"No, sir." Blair said shortly.

"Simon knew that wasn't a good sign. Do you have any idea's, Blair, on who would want to take Jim or hurt him?" "You mean besides my father?" Blair asked acerbically.

"Sandburg, we know where your father is. He's had no contact with anyone."

"That we know of, Simon. Hell, for all we know he paid a cop off."

"Sandburg, you're stretching. Now calm down and try to think of anything Jim was working on before all of this happened. It's got to be from before he went to Seattle."

"Sir, I think it has something to do with my father. Could I call Rafe or Brown and ask them to question him and see what he has to say? You know what, I'm going to go and see him." Blair got to the door and reached for his keys to leave, as Simon grabbed his arm and said, "Blair, you're not doing that. You need to be here and help us find him right now."

"Fuck this shit, Simon. We just made up our minds today that we could do this and now this happens. What's wrong with us?"

Simon said, "You'll do a better job here, Sandburg and you know it."

"That doesn't mean I have to like it, Simon."

The cops started coming in to dust for prints. There was someone from every part of the police force. They all felt bad for Blair. They knew how awful it is to lose a partner, but to not know where one's partner is, was the worst possible nightmare. Simon said, "Sandburg, I think we'd better call in the FBI now."

Blair knew that this wasn't a good thing. That meant that he'd been gone to long without any call. Just then the phone rang and Blair picked it up and said, "Sandburg."

A distorted voice said, "If you want your boyfriend back, you'll do exactly as I say."

"I'll do whatever you say. Just don't hurt him." Blair answered.

"Oh I'm going to hurt him all right, pretty boy and there is nothing you can do to help him. It'll be like nothing he'd ever imagine." Then the phone was slammed down. They had tried to trace it, but the call was way too short.

The FBI was called in and they took over the loft. Simon took Blair with him almost everywhere he went, so he could watch the young man. Simon was afraid of what Blair would do to his father. Blair was sure that Sandburg Senior had something to do with it. * Hell he could be right Banks, why not listen to him for a change? *

Blair asked to see his father, so the man was brought up to the interrogation room.

When Mr. Sandburg walked into the room, Blair said, "Sir, I'll do whatever you want if you tell me what you need."

"Whatever are you talking about, Blair?" he asked innocently.

"Can the shit, old man. I know that you had someone pick up Jim, and I want to know why and how to get him back. I won't bring any charges, I just want him back unhurt."

"I don't know a thing about him, Blair. Seems like you'll have to fight this battle without dragging me in. Too bad your boyfriend can't help you." The man stood up and laughed and walked to the door and asked to leave.

Blair lay his head on the table until Simon came into the room. Seeing Simon there, Blair said, "They're going to hurt him, Simon. This person said they'd hurt him like he'd never imagine."

"Sandburg, do you suppose your siblings would know anything? I mean, I don't think they had anything to do with it, but we could talk to them and see if they have any ideas of who their father would contact outside of family."

Picking up the phone, Blair called his siblings and talked to Rachel and told her what was going on. She said, "Blair, the only person I know that would be a big enough idiot to do something for our dad, is his brother. His name is Benjamin Sandburg and he lives in Utah. Run a check on him an see if you can find him."

"Thank you so much, Rachel. I'll do that right now and hopefully we'll be able to find Jim in the next few hours. I hate to think of him in the hands of a madman. Could I ask if your uncle is mean, sadistic or anything like that?"

"Our uncle, Blair. Yes, he is mean. He's also sadistic. He knows about Sarah and has often gotten money out of her to keep it from Dad."

"Thanks again, Rachel. I'll talk to you later, I need to find Jim now." Hanging up the phone he put out an APB for Benjamin Sandburg in Utah and also started running the APB for Cascade too. He had a feeling he was probably here."

Simon pulled out his cellphone and made calls to the airport to find out if Benjamin Sandburg had been on a plane in the last week or so. Simon was hoping to find nothing out, but he found out that Benjamin had flown into Cascade three days ago. He tried to stay calm as he told Blair.

The phone rang at Blair's desk as he was looking through some files and he picked it up and it was B.S. "Hi there, you wondering what I plan on doing with your boyfriend?" Blair jumped up and got Simon's attention and they started a trace right away. "Yeah, I'd like to hear what is going to happen, Benjamin."

"Smart cop, I knew you'd figure it out soon enough. Well, I wouldn't be fucking your partner, but I know someone that is dying to. You'll never trace this, Blair. We know what we're doing."

"Benjamin, if I tell you I'd come to you would let him go? Would you let him go away unharmed?"

"Not a chance, Blair. You're going to find out what we do to fags now."

"Please don't hurt him, hurt me but not him. He had nothing to do with this. I'm the one that turned his head. He didn't even want to do it."

"Good try, dear Blair, but it's not going to work. It doesn't matter who did what. Jim's going to get fucked non-stop until we say he won't. And when he's done, we'll send you the tape's and then he'll die." "Please, Benjamin, don't do this. I'll see if I can sneak Dad out somehow. Would that make a difference?"

"It might. Try to think of a way and I'll get back to you."

Hanging up the phone Blair started shaking like a leaf and Simon said, "we'll get to him Blair, don't worry. We'll find him."

"Simon, he's going to hurt him, no matter what. They're holding Jim responsible for me sleeping with a man. Like I had no control over it."

"We'll find him, Blair. Now let's stop yakking about it and get busy and do something."

They both got on the phone and made calls about known men rapists that Jim had put away in the last 10 years. Because this Benjamin had to have found this guy somewhere, and he was from here. Blair just knew it."

About an hour later, the phone on his desk rang again and Blair answered it, "Sandburg."

"Chief."

"Jim, where are you?" But before Blair could ask anything else of Jim, Benjamin got on the phone and said, "He's awake, Blair. We're going to start having some fun with him now."

"Benjamin please, let me work on something first to help Dad get out."

"Now I'm going to put Jim on for you to talk to for a little while. He seems upset about what we're going to do to him, so maybe you can talk him into being a good boy."

"Chief?"

"Jim, don't say a word. Just relax and I want you to try and zone out. Okay? Babe are you listening?"

"Yeah, Chief, I tried, I can't get control of my senses. Must be the chloroform they used on me."

"Jim, they're going to hurt you, Babe. You know this, right?"

"Yeah." Jim said with a tremor in his voice that Blair had never heard.

"Jim, I'm so sorry, I really can't believe we were this stupid to think that he was the only person in the family. They're sick fucks."

"Blair, I want you to know how much I love you. Okay?"

"Jim, please don't talk to me like you're dying."

"Might as well be Chief, I can't have this done to me. I just can't. As soon as they touch me like that, I'll be a walking dead man."

"Jim, please, stay strong for me. Please?"

"Blair, this is your uncle, Jim wants to stay on the phone, but I'm having a hard time controlling his friend, so you can try and talk him into not fighting us so much."

The next thing Blair heard was Jim screaming at the top of his lungs, "You dumb fuck get away from me. Don't touch me. I'll kill you."

Then Blair could hear nothing but Jim screaming at them, but couldn't tell what he was saying and Benjamin said, "He's a fighter, Blair, you'd be proud of him. He's fighting this guy off even though he's tied up."

"Benjamin, please stop this. You can't do this to him."

"I know, that's why I hired someone to have it done."

Suddenly, Blair heard a blood curdling scream from Jim and then he heard Jim screaming, "Blair, please help me." Then the screams were so terrible that Blair couldn't stand it any longer, he started crying.

Simon came over to the phone and hung it up when Benjamin hung up on his end. Then Simon, Rafe, Brown, Conner and Taggart all went into the group hug mode and held on to Blair. They had all heard what Blair did and there wasn't a dry eye in the house. This was going to be a bad one, Simon could tell that much already.

Who Am I Now? Part 11

Major Crime was working overtime trying to find out where Benjamin Sandburg was holding Jim. Blair was a mess but was still in the bullpen, trying to find his life. Blair knew that this was going to be the worst thing in the world for Jim to go through.

The next time a call came through, Benjamin said, "so, Blair, do you want to try to calm him down, or will it be that much more fun for Snyder." Suddenly, Sandburg realized he had said the guy's name. Benjamin flinched and said, "do you want to talk to him or not?"

"Yes, I want to talk to him. I'll calm him down. Please, let me talk to him."

"Chief?" Jim said and his voice was one of the saddest, loneliest voices Blair had ever heard. Blair knew that Jim felt alone and knew he would die. "Jim? I want you to listen to my voice, all right?"

"Yeah, Chief, I need to do something." Blair could hear the catch in Jim's voice like he was on the verge of tears but wouldn't do that in front of those men. He'd not give them the pleasure of making him cry. He might scream from pain, but never cry. Blair knew how 'his' Jim would be thinking.

"Jim, listen to my voice and float away. You're not going to come back until I tell you to. You're not going to feel any more pain. You won't even know where you are."

As Blair talked to Jim, Blair heard the phone drop and knew that Jim had totally zoned out.

"All right, Blair, what did you do for him? He's totally out of it. He won't come to at all." Benjamin said savagely.

"He's out of his pain now. You'll never hurt him again, you lousy fuck." Blair said before he could stop himself.

"Well, we'll see how great it is, Blair, when we beat him on top of raping him. He'll eventually know about it, won't he? We're going to ruin his pretty face. You'll never want to look at him again."

Without thinking, Blair hung up the phone. He couldn't do it anymore. He looked over at Simon and knew he never should have hung up, but Blair couldn't listen any longer. He knew that they'd kill Jim now. They couldn't have fun tormenting him, so they'd have to kill him soon. Blair needed to just go off and grieve.

Simon walked over to Brown, Rafe, Taggert and Conner and talked to them quietly. All of them got up and left the bullpen. Blair didn't really care. All he knew was that his life was gone now. How would he tell Jim's dad? He had just sentenced Bill's son to death but he could think of nothing else to do. Blair laid his head on his desk and just tried to think of Jim when they were happy.

Simon walked up to Blair's desk, ran his hand over Blair's hair and said, "Sandburg, he gave up a name and I looked it up. Snyder was just released from prison. Jim put him behind bars for raping men."

Blair looked up at Simon and said, "you have an idea where this Snyder is?"

"Yes, I called in some favors and you owe a pair of sneaks to Sneaks."

Why are we still here, Simon?"

"Because, Blair, we have to be here to take the calls. He loves taunting you. If you weren't here, he'd know something was up and they'd kill Jim. Relax, they'll call as soon as they know something."

Blair got up and started pacing. There was no way he was going to relax. Blair vowed to fucking kill them. * God, I hate those men. How could they do that to such a good man? And what about he and Jim? Would Jim want him now? What do you fucking think, Sandburg? Jesus. *

When the phone rang they all jumped in the room. Blair picked it up and Joel said, "Blair, let me talk to Captain Banks, right now."

"How is Jim? Joel, how is he? Did you find him?"

"Blair, let me talk to Simon, please?"

Blair handed over the telephone and laid his head on the desk knowing this was going to be bad. Otherwise, they would have told Blair. Blair's whole body was shaking. From fear, desperation and loss.

Simon got off the phone and said, "come on, Sandburg. They have Jim on his way to Cascade General. He's alive. They got both of the scumbags."

"Are they dead?" Blair asked with eyes that screamed revenge.

"Yes, Joel and Henry shot them. They had no choice." Simon said almost telling himself more than Blair.

"We need to call his dad, don't you think?" Blair asked.

"Let's wait and see what kind of shape he's in first. All right? He might need some time before he wants to see his dad."

The drive to the hospital was silent. Simon glanced over at Blair from time to time and saw the tears rolling down the kid's face. He knew there was nothing he could do or say to make things better so he decided on the quiet role. Made more sense to him. As they drove up, Blair practically jumped out of the car while it was still moving and ran for the entrance. Simon parked as soon as he could find a place and rushed in to find Blair arguing with the nurses.

"What do you mean, he's not seeing anyone?" Blair asked incredulously.

"Sir, he asked to let no one in to see him." The nurse said kindly.

"No way! There is no way he'd not let me in there to see him. I want to see the doctor as soon as possible."

Conner walked up to the two men and said, "could I talk to both of you, please?"

As they walked over to some chairs in the corner, she sat down and started filling them in on how they had found Jim. "Sandy, don't take this personally. Right now, he won't let a man touch him. So, they let me go in with him and he talked to me. Sandy, he's a mess."

"Duh, ya think, Conner? Jesus, like I needed you to tell me that bullshit." Blair said angrily.

"Sandy, he doesn't want to see you right now. He did ask to see his dad, so I told him that I'd tell his dad what happened and pick him up."

"Fuck that shit. I need to see him, Conner. I have to see that he's all right."

"Well, he's not all right, Sandy, so take my word for it and let the doctors work with him for a few days."

This whole time Simon was very quiet. Blair turned to him and said, "You think Conner is right? You think I shouldn't see him?"

"Blair, it's not a matter of Jim seeing you, it's you seeing Jim, in his eyes." Simon said sadly. "If it was me, I wouldn't want to see any of you. Not for awhile anyhow."

"But he's my lover, Simon." Blair said despondently.

"Sandburg, he'll get better each day and he'll want to see you, but not right now. Let him heal. Let him get in control. You know, Jim. He has to be in control. Has there been one thing about this that shouts out control?"

Blair sighed and started pacing. Looking at Simon he said, "Yes, he needs control. You're right. And Conner, you'll stay with him?"

"You know I'll stay with him as long as it takes, Sandy." Conner said.

A doctor came out and said, "is there a Blair Sandburg here?"

"I'm Blair Sandburg." Blair said standing and walking towards the doctor.

"Your partner wants to see you. He said that he's been listening to you and you're right, he wants to talk to you. I have to tell you, I think he's a little too drugged, but he seems to really want to see you, even if he is hearing things."

Blair had a hard time containing himself so that he didn't run and jump into the bed. When he saw Jim, that would have stopped him anyway. * Fuck, they are so lucky they're dead. I'd have hunted them down and killed them with my bare hands. *

Blair couldn't believe how violent he was feeling, but he also knew that in front of him was a man, broken. In more ways than one.

The doctor said, "Jim, do you want me to tell Mr. Sandburg about your injuries?"

"No, I can tell him. I'd like to be alone with him." The doctor shook his head in the affirmative and left the room shutting the door quietly.

"Babe, hold me, please." Jim whispered.

He walked up to the bed and didn't know where to hold him. Everywhere he looked he was black and blue and swollen. His face was so swollen it was hard to tell it was even Jim. He decided that he was in pain already, he'd just hold him and see how that went. Blair climbed on the bed next to Jim and held on for dear life. He could feel Jim start to shake and knew that sobs were trying to break out. "Jim, I'm here for you, let it go, babe, okay?"

And that simply Jim started sobbing his heart out. He kept trying to get closer to Blair, almost like he was afraid Blair would leave him. Finally, Jim fell asleep after about an hour, and Simon came into the room. He touched Blair's shoulder to let him know he was there and Blair looked hollow. Simon saw the two saddest people he'd ever seen in his life.

After about ten more minutes, Simon said, "Blair, can you come outside? We need to talk to you."

Blair started to get up but Jim started sobbing again. Blair went back to the same position and said, "Simon, it'll have to happen in here then."

"Jim," Simon said softly, "we need to tell Blair about the injuries and what tests are being done."

Jim stiffened and said, "Blair, he wore a condom. He was afraid that you and I might be sick and didn't want to get anything from me."

The doctor was standing there and said, "we found no semen when we were doing the repair, so I think he's safe, but we'll run the tests anyway. And for all STD tests too. When the doctor said this, Jim shivered and got closer to Blair.

Blair rubbed Jim's back and said, "It'll be okay, Jim. We'll see a doctor and we'll get past this. You wait and see."

Before long Jim was sleeping again and Simon just sat in a chair and watched Blair and Jim sleep. He couldn't believe this happened to Ellison. He honestly couldn't see Jim coming through this like a trooper. Not the Jim Ellison he knew, which was very frightening.

The door opened up and William Ellison came walking in and he looked about ten years older than the last time Simon had seen him. "Captain Banks, how is Jimmy doing?"

"Dad?" Jim whispered, "I'm awake. You can come closer."

William walked to the other side of the bed and was horrified at what he saw. "Jimmy, I'm so sorry this happened to you, son." William leaned over and kissed Jim on the cheek. Jim touched William's face and said, "thanks for coming up dad."

"Well, of course I came up. I can't believe no one came and got me before now."

"That was our fault," Simon said, "we wanted to be sure he was safe before we notified you, sir."

Blair woke up and said, "Hello, Bill. I'm really sorry."

"I'm not in the mood to talk right now, Blair." William said with such hatred it was very apparent to everyone in the room.

Jim started crying and told his dad, "please, don't be mad, dad. I'm so sorry, I'm really sorry. I tried fighting them off, I really did."

"Jimmy, I'm not angry at you. I'm mad at Blair for bringing his sick family into ours."

Jim just cried harder. "I knew this would happen. I knew that because of me, you wouldn't like Blair anymore."

"Shhhhh, Jim." Blair said quietly. "Just lie quietly and things will get better. He's not mad at me. Things will be just fine."

"That's easy for you to say, Blair, you weren't assaulted." William shouted. Jim jumped at his father's voice. Blair said, "Jim, I'll be right back. William, can I see you outside for a moment?"

As they walked out, Blair shoved William up against the wall and said, "listen to me, you ass. I don't care if you like me or not. But Jim does. And you know he does. You're making him feel worse than he already does. Hate me all you want, but not in front of Jim. That's all I ask."

William Ellison started pacing and said, "I'm not really mad at you Blair, but I'm mad at your fucking family."

"Join the club, Bill. I wanted to kill them. Now, I don't even get to do that. So, I don't have anywhere to take out my anger. When it all boils down, it's my fault. All of it."

"Blair, I'm so sorry for saying the things I did in there. I'm just upset."

"I know you are, Bill. As well you should be. Now we need to get Jim through this without being hurt any more than he has to be."

"Who would hurt him now?"

"For one, Steven, if you could get him to come up and to visit and not be hateful, that would help Jim out a lot. Right now he feels like he had it coming. After all, if he takes it up the ass from me, then why not everyone?"

"Blair, are you all right? That was so cold, it didn't sound like something you'd say at all."

William looked over and saw the tears starting and took Blair into his arms and said, "I'll help you all I can, Blair. You won't have to do this alone."

Blair cried on Bill's shoulder until he heard Jim crying inside. He got himself under control and went rushing into the room. "It's okay, babe. Everything is fine."

"I could hear you crying. Why are you crying?" Jim asked sadly.

"I'm just upset Jim. Your dad and I were talking about what we have to do in the next few weeks and I just started crying. I'm sorry, babe."

Jim curled into Blair's arms and said, "it's okay, babe. I just don't want you to leave me."

"Jim, I'm never leaving you. You can't get rid of me."

"Good, because I don't want to lose you, babe." Jim said as he fell asleep in Blair's arms.

William kissed Jim on his cheek and then he leaned over and kissed Blair's cheek too. Blair was having a hard time not crying. William said, "I'll see you in the morning, I'll be bringing a doctor for the two of you to start therapy."

"Thanks, Bill. We'll need it for sure."

William took Blair's shoes off his feet and then pulled the covers off the next bed and covered Jim and Blair up with them. Within moments Blair was asleep along with Jim.

As William walked down the hall he was met by Simon and Conner. Simon said, "would you like to go and have some coffee, sir?"

"Yes, I would and then you could fill me in on what happened to my boy."

Conner slipped her arm into William's and they walked down to the cafeteria and got a cup of coffee for each of them.

"So tell me Simon, how did they get my son?"

"Well, sir, we can't figure it out. Jim doesn't let strangers into his house, so we still don't know what he was opening the door for."

"I think I might be able to help with that, Simon." William said sadly.

"When I was there he needed some groceries and I offered to go to the store for him. He said he'd have it all delivered. He did it often. So, he insisted and I decided to let him do it for himself. Something I'll have to live with forever."

"Mr. Ellison, we can't all take this on. There were three people to blame and only them. It's not fair to us or to Jim." Simon said staying as calm as he could thinking about this entire thing.

"Okay, Simon, please tell me exactly what happened to my son."

So Simon proceeded to tell him exactly what happened to his son as William cried quietly leaning on Megan Conner. This was indeed one of the saddest days for William Ellison, but at least his boy was alive, he had to keep telling himself that. Then Simon went on to tell him all about the video tapes that they had in lock up and that he wished he could get that out, but the FBI took the case over. William said, "I'll see what I can do about that, Simon. I'm not without friends in high places."

As they all sat there and had coffee they didn't have any idea that Jim was having the most horrible dream he could ever have. He was sobbing and screaming and they were trying to medicate him to calm him down. Jim was screaming for Blair to help him and the nurses said they needed to get him medicated quickly. But Blair finally won out and got Jim to calm down. They went back to sleep again, or at least Jim did. But Blair lay there listening to Jim's breathing and sobbing from time to time. This was going to be worse than Blair ever imagined.

When Jim woke in the morning, Blair was lying there staring at him. Jim started sobbing first thing. "Blair, I can't do this. Babe, I just can't do this."

"Yes you can, Jim. Don't you tell me that you're going to give up now. We've come too fucking far."

"Blair, please?" Jim begged and Blair knew he was asking him to be able to go into a zone of no return.

"No, babe, I can't let you go yet. We'll wait a few days and if you still feel that same way, then we'll do something about it."

So Jim continued to cry his heart out. The door opened and Jim got truly quiet but Blair could still feel him sobbing. Blair looked up and there was a woman standing there. "Blair Sandburg?"

"Yes, I'm Blair Sandburg. Who are you?"

"I'm Doctor Marina Murphy and I was hired by William Ellison. We're friends and he'd like me to see both of you men. I specialize in rape survivors."

Blair pulled away from Jim for a moment and said, "it's very nice to meet you, Dr. Murphy." Shaking her hand, he said, "And this is Jim Ellison. He isn't up to talking just yet, but I have deep faith that he'll come around."

"First thing, I'd like both you and Jim to call me Rina. My patients tend to be more at ease if we all call each other by our first names."

Jim growled, "get the fuck out of my room. I don't want to talk to you. You can't make me. Blair, please make her leave."

Blair, being exhausted, just snapped back at Jim. "Jim, you promised last night that you'd try this for four days. At least try. It's the least you could do."

Jim pulled away from Blair and said, "it's the least I could fucking do? Give me a fucking break. Where were you when he fucked me until I couldn't breathe?"

Blair started sobbing and Jim realized what he had said and done. He took Blair into his arms and said, "God, please don't leave me, Chief. Please don't leave me. Please don't leave me."

"Jim, I'm not going to leave you. Calm down. We'll be all right. But I want you to talk to Rina. Understood?"

"Yeah, understood." Jim replied quietly.

For the next two hours, Jim answered all of the doctors questions and Jim and Blair both cried many times while Jim told her everything. The session actually went pretty well, as far as getting Jim to open up. He told her everything he could think of at the moment. There would be more later.

Once she was done with their session she made an appointment with them for two days later. Jim and Blair both agreed to it. Once she walked out of the room, Blair said, "So what did you think of her? Think you can work with her?"

"Blair, I don't want to see anyone, but if this is what you want, I'll do it for you."

Blair knew that he'd have his hands full for the next few months. If he could ever get Jim to open up it would be a miracle.

Dr. Murphy went out to the hallway and told William Ellison, "He's doing pretty good considering, Bill. I think he'll come around."

"Thank you, Rina, for doing this for me." William said. "I wish it was under better circumstances."

"Well, William, I rarely get called in for good times. So I'm used to it. I'll see you all in two days."

William knocked softly on the door and walked in. Jim was sitting there staring out of the window. Blair said, "Good morning, Bill."

"Good morning, Blair and Jim. How did you two sleep?"

Jim scowled at his father and said, "Oh yeah, Dad, we slept like babies. We don't have a worry in the fucking world."

Blair kicked him in the shin with his leg, not hurting Jim but letting him know he wasn't going to put up with Jim's shit. Jim looked at his dad sheepishly and said, "I'm sorry dad. I'm a little on edge today. The shrink said that's to be expected."

"Jimmy, you don't ever have to say your sorry about any of this."

"Excuse me, sir, but I disagree. He had no right to take it out on you and you can't let him get away with that or he'll push everyone away from him."

"I said I was sorry, Blair." Jim said snapping at him. "I don't care if you said you were sorry 20 times. It still doesn't give you the right to treat your dad like shit. He didn't do this terrible thing. None of us did, so let's remember that."

When they brought breakfast in, it was a battle getting Jim to eat anything. Blair knew that Jim was going to push all of his buttons, but Blair was determined that things would get better and he'd get Jim's life back on track. He wasn't giving up on Jim. That's all there was to it.

"William, could you sit with Jim for awhile while I take a shower?"

"Of course. Take your time." William said glad to help out.

"Blair, I'd like to take a shower. Maybe you could help me." Jim said not wanting Blair to leave his side.

"No, Jim. We'll be fine apart. I'll take mine and then I'll give you a sponge bath. But no shower till the doctor says it's okay."

Jim was pissed off, but he settled in to the bed knowing he couldn't fight Blair right now. He was too weak. But in a week or so, he'd easily have control of his own life.

As Blair stripped and got into the shower, he realized that he had no control over anything and he found that very frightening. He also wondered where in the hell he fit in this life. He couldn't be Jim's lover any longer so where did that leave him. They'd just be pals again? The whole idea of not knowing where you belong was too frightening for words. And back to the who am I now? Whom exactly was he? He wasn't a good partner or this wouldn't have happened. He wasn't a good lover or he'd never have left him two days before the rape. So, he kept asking himself over and over again, "who am I now?"

Who Am I Now? Part 12

The doctor walked into the room the following morning and asked, "how are you doing this morning, Jim?"

"I'd like to go home." Jim said shortly.

"Well, I just so happen to have your paperwork all signed. You can go home as of this afternoon. I want to draw one more vial of blood before you leave though."

"Thanks, Doctor." Jim turned to Blair and said, "you ready for this, Sandburg?"

"Yeah, man, I've been ready. I 'so' want you to be in our home."

The doctor gave Blair a paper and said, "these are all of the instructions you'll need to follow once he gets home. If you have any problems with this patient, feel free to call me."

"Thank you so much, Doctor. And I'll be sure that he sees Dr. Murphy, too."

Jim glared at Blair for even bringing up Dr. Murphy's name. Jim didn't like therapy, especially his therapy. It was bad enough hearing about someone else's problems, but to have to listen to your own was like a death sentence to him.

Blair took one look at Jim's face and knew he was going to have his hands full taking care of Jim. He just knew that he'd fight the therapy tooth and nail. Blair had some ideas for making his therapy a little more comfortable. Sometimes the best thing in the world was laughter. Jim needed to smile now and then, even if he felt he had no reason to smile. And Blair was going to be his happiness guru. Even if it kills me, I'm going to make this work, Blair thought.

Blair helped Jim pack up his suitcase to go home. Blair could tell how nervous he was. God only knew what he was thinking about. He wasn't quite sure how much he could say to Jim right now. Blair was totally out of his league also. Jim wasn't the only confused and frightened man in the room.

William Ellison looked into the room and saw both men trying to dance around what they should be talking about. He was sad seeing the pain in both pairs of eyes. Walking into the room, William said, "so, how do you feel about a houseguest for awhile?"

"Dad, that's really nice, but I don't need my dad to come over and take care of me." Jim said.

"I wasn't talking about me, Jim. Naomi is ready to move over to the loft and help out. The drive home was really quiet. For once in Blair's life he had too much on his mind to talk non-stop to keep everyone busy. He needed to discuss their partnership at home and at work. When would be the right time for that, he wondered?

Jim kept watching Blair because he was so quiet it was bothering Jim. Finally breaking the silence, Jim said, "Blair, what's on your mind right now?"

Blair jumped when Jim spoke and then looked even more startled by the question. How the fuck do you tell Jim that you blame yourself for all that's happened to him? And now you're questioning whether or not it's a good idea to even be in this partnership. Looking at Jim he said, "I think maybe the best place to discuss this would be with the doctor, Jim."

"Oh that's great, Sandburg, you're uncomfortable and you clam up." Jim said glaring at Blair the whole time. "Think how I feel."

"That's all I ever think about Jim. I realize how much you hate my guts right now. If it hadn't been for me leaving the loft, this never would have happened. So, I'm not clamming up. I just know that you're going to realize one of these days how much you hate me."

Jim sat watching his partner, his love, and his life as Blair said this with tears rolling down his face. Jim pulled Blair into his arms and said, "Blair, don't you ever say that again, do you understand me?" Both men were crying, and William hearing their conversation in the back seat, had tears rolling down his face also. This was going to be hard for everyone involved. All could feel the anger, sadness and the loss.

Jim held Blair for fear of losing him. Jim felt like he was going to lose him anyhow. But prayed that it wouldn't be anytime soon. He needed Blair so badly. * Please god, just let me have him for awhile longer. I promise not to be unkind to him. *

At the station, Simon was talking to Joel. "Joel, you should have seen Mr. Sandburg, Sr. lose it when we told him that his brother had been shot. And he had the fucking nerve to ask if Jim had been raped because then, at least, it would be worth it. He really felt like he was keeping Blair from eternal damnation."

"I don't understand anyone like that, Simon. Never will, and never want to." Joel said shaking his head as he moved towards the doorway. "When is he being transferred to the prison?"

"He leaves today. He had the nerve to ask to see Blair before he left, if you can believe that?" Simon said walking Joel to the door.

"Well, I hope that he isn't treated nicely in prison. He'll get his, Simon, I just know it."

"Well, I better go and check on Jim and Blair and see how they are." Both men walked to the elevator and Simon got on, dreading the trip to the hospital. His cell phone rang while he was driving to the hospital. "Simon?" Blair asked.

"Is something wrong, Sandburg?"

"No, I just wanted to catch you and tell you that we're home. The doctor signed Jim out. He couldn't take him anymore."

Simon could hear Jim grumbling in the background and he also heard Naomi's voice. "Your mom there, Sandburg?"

"Yeah, she's going to help us out. It'll work, Simon, I know it will."

"Thanks for letting me know, I'll come by and visit."

"That would be great. Jim's about stir crazy and I think that maybe some talk about work would help."

"Talk to you when I get there, Sandburg. Tell Jim I'm on my way."

"Bye, Simon." Hanging up the phone he went to tell Jim who it was, but saw by the look on his face that he had been listening. "Jim, why do you do that?"

"What?" Jim asked innocently.

"I really wish you wouldn't listen to my conversations. It's rude, plus I don't have any privacy."

"You want privacy, Sandburg? You got it. Jim stormed up the stairs as quickly as he could in the shape he was in."

Blair watched the man he adored walk up the stairs with an air of defeat. Will I ever say the right things, Blair wondered.

Blair walked up the stairs and lay down next to Jim on the top of the quilt on the bed. "I'm sorry Jim. I didn't mean to yell at you."

"It's okay, Blair. I didn't mean to yell at you either. Forgive me?"

"Jim, there's nothing to forgive. I love you, babe. Nothing's going to change that."

"Maybe not yet, but it will. I know that, and you know that."

"Jim, please. Don't start that again. I'm not leaving you."

"Blair, you won't be happy with a man that you can't be with physically. I can't even imagine doing that again, so where does that leave us?"

Blair got closer to Jim and said, "please, hold me, Jim. You don't have to fuck me, ever again, but I can't have you stop loving me, or holding me."

"I can do holding." Jim said as he pulled Blair into his strong arms. Both men lay quietly on the bed until Jim was sleeping. Once he was asleep, Blair got up and went downstairs.

Naomi walked over to her son and sat next to him on the sofa. He went into her arms and said, "Mom, what the hell am I going to do? I don't have a clue and I'm so confused as to who I am in his life now."

"Sweetie, you have to let some of this go. Just let it work itself out and see where it takes you both. Patience and kindness are the two most important things right now."

Simon knocked on the door, and Blair opened it. He had never seen Blair look worse. He could tell he was exhausted. "Sandburg, you look like hell. Why not go and lie down for awhile. I'll keep an eye on Jim and talk with your Mom?"

"Simon, that's really nice, but I'm fine. I'll sleep tonight. I've got some paperwork to do before work tomorrow."

"Blair, I think it's a bad idea to rush back to work." Naomi said quickly.

"Yeah, well, I have to. If I don't want to lose this job, I better show up. It's not like I have a lot of others to choose from."

"Sandburg, you know you can take family medical leave. So let me know if it gets to be too much, all right?"

"Fine, I'll do that, Simon. Thanks."

"So when is the next appointment for therapy?" Simon asked quietly.

"Tomorrow afternoon and, of course, Jim is fighting it already. He hates the idea of sharing his feelings with anyone."

"I hope you know that we all want to help out in any way we can. The guys would love to see Jim. Will he reconsider seeing them?"

"Not right now, Simon. He just doesn't feel comfortable with them yet."

"Well, make sure and tell him how much we all miss him, okay?" Simon said on his way to the door.

"Simon, are you leaving already?" Naomi asked.

"Yes, I had a few minutes, I was hoping to catch him awake, but I'll see him tonight or tomorrow. It was good seeing you, Naomi."

"It was good seeing you too, Simon. Thanks for looking out for my boys." She said as he walked out the door.

Once the door was shut, Blair went in to get himself a drink. While he was there the phone rang and he picked it up on the first ring, "Sandburg." He said.

"Blair." Rachel said, "we just found out about Jim from Dad. My God, that's horrible. We'd like to come and offer our support."

"Not a good idea, Rachel, not a good idea at all."

"Blair, we feel like we're somewhat responsible and would feel better if we saw that he was okay."

"He'll be fine but he isn't up to any company as yet."

"Sarah wants to say hello, I'll talk to you tomorrow." "Hi Blair," Sarah said sadly, "I'm so sorry to hear what happened."

"It's not your fault anymore than it was his or mine." Blair actually thought maybe someday he might believe this when he said it.

"Is there anything we can do? We'd like to come to town and see you both."

"I just got done telling Rachel, this isn't a good time. I'm sorry."

"Okay, we'll check with you next week, okay, Blair?"

"Yeah, thanks so much for calling. Tell Ben I said hello."

"Goodbye, Blair." As Blair hung the phone up, he knew that Jim was awake upstairs. He wasn't sure how he knew, but he could feel it and Jim wasn't happy.

Blair went upstairs to see if he could do anything for Jim when he saw the look of anger on Jim's face. "What's wrong, Jim?"

"How the fuck did they know about this?"

"Jim, my dad told them. I'm really sorry." Blair hung his head as he said it. "Blair, come here. Please?"

Blair got on the bed and Jim pulled him into his arms. "I thought someone from the station told them and I got all upset. I didn't hear the first part of the call."

"That's another reason you shouldn't listen to people's conversations. You could make a major mistake."

"Babe, could you put a CD on and we can just lie here and relax?"

"Sure, I'll have Naomi turn it on down there."

He called down the stairs, "Mom, could you turn the CD player on for us, please?"

"Sure sweetie, no problem." She turned it on and Jim cuddled closer to Blair and just hugged him harder and harder. Then the music started floating up to the top of the stairs and it was the Robert Cray Band CD, and the song was What About Me? Oh god, please, not this. He and Jim had danced to this song so many times and he'd lost count of how many times it was the background music for lovemaking.

Blair felt Jim start crying and he just held him tight. When he started crying harder, Blair just held him tighter. This was going to be a long month. The doctor had said to give it a month to be less raw. * I don't think it will ever be less raw, * Blair thought, as he held on to Jim like his life depended on it. Actually, their lives did depend on it. They both knew that they couldn't live without the other. Well, maybe they could, but they didn't want to at this point in time.

While Blair lay upstairs with Jim for hours, Naomi went grocery shopping for good food to cook for them. She wanted them to get better in not only body but mind and spirit. She started cooking dinner, deciding that lasagna would be a good choice. She knew that both men loved it. She made up really nice salads and then whipped up a dessert to go along with it. She was determined to help Jim get better.

When Blair woke up he smelled something wonderful coming from downstairs and said, "Jim, let's get up and eat something. What do you say?"

"Sure Chief, I know you're hungry."

"I want you to eat something too, Jim. Please, for me?"

When they got downstairs, Naomi was finishing up putting everything on the table. Jim smiled at her sadly and said, "thanks for dinner, Naomi. That was really nice of you."

"Don't thank me, Jim, you haven't tasted it yet." Even Jim had to smile a little at that remark.

Jim did indeed eat dinner. He ate everything that Naomi had put on his plate and even ate dessert. Naomi was right, it did make things a little better. "Thanks for dinner, Naomi. Now if you two don't mind, I'm going to take a shower."

"You're very welcome, Jim. Don't worry about the mess, it'll be out of here in no time."

Blair got up and went up the stairs to get Jim's clean clothing and brought them down to the bathroom and he started in, but Jim stopped him. Sorry, Chief. I just want to be alone, okay?"

"Sure." Blair said with a note of defeat in his voice. Jim smiled and shut the door. Blair leaned against it and listened to Jim start crying. Blair just hugged his knees hoping that Jim would call him in there, but Jim never did. He could feel Jim pulling away. Mr. Repression was back in business. I won't fucking let him do this to us, Blair thought as he got up and went upstairs.

He got ready for bed and lay there waiting for Jim to come back up. When Jim got there, he said, "Chief, I think maybe we shouldn't sleep together. It's bothering me."

"Fuck that, Ellison. I know a shut down when I see one. You think I'm stupid all of a sudden? You lousy shit." Blair put his head in his hands and started crying and Jim didn't come over to him and comfort him like he would usually. "Fine Jim, I'll sleep downstairs, don't worry about me." Blair got up and grabbed his pillow and a blanket and slept on the sofa. He could swear that his heart was breaking. He knew that Jim was pulling away and soon, they'd be too far apart to matter. Blair cried long into the night. Jim tried not to listen, but could hear nothing else. Blair, please don't do this to me, Jim thought as he finally fell asleep.

When Jim awoke the next morning, he could hear Naomi downstairs, but no Blair. Then he remembered he'd gone to work. He knew that Blair belonged at work, it would be good for him. With that thought, Jim fell back to sleep and hoped he could do it without any of the nightmares.

Naomi was making some lunch up for the sleepyhead when she heard Jim start screaming for Blair. It was heartbreaking. She ran up the stairs, grabbed him and shook him saying "Jim, wake up, honey. You're home. You're safe."

Jim did wake up but he continued screaming for Blair. He was hysterical. Naomi didn't know what else to do, so she called Blair. When Blair got on the phone, he could hear Jim screaming.

"I'm on my way, Mom. Please, tell him I'm on my way." Blair turned to Simon and said, "Simon you were right. It was too soon. I need to take some family medical leave."

"Get out of here, I'll get the paperwork ready and bring it by tonight. Take good care of our boy."

"Thanks, Simon." Blair said as he ran for the elevator. Everyone in the bullpen watched knowing that something had happened to Jim. They wished they knew what was going on but they knew that Jim didn't want them around right now, so they had to stay in the background for awhile.

When Blair got home he could hear Jim sobbing really hard and Naomi was pacing in the living room. "Mom, what are you doing down here?"

"Well, every time I went up there he would start screaming again. I figured it might be best if I stayed down here."

"Sorry, Mom. I'm just upset." Blair said as he ran up the stairs and crawled into the bed and took Jim into his arms. Jim immediately fell asleep and stopped weeping. Blair knew that Jim wanted him to leave him, but at the same time Jim's subconscious wasn't allowing this to happen. Thank god for that, Blair thought.

Two hours later, Blair woke Jim up for their appointment with Rena. Jim knew he needed another shower, so he went down alone and got in. Blair got dressed upstairs. He put on a tee shirt and a flannel shirt over it, with blue jeans. He wanted to be comfy, plus he needed to get Jim to smile at least once.

When Jim came out of the bathroom, he looked at Blair and saw how good he looked and the sadness filled him more strongly than it had before. Blair said, "come on, Hot Shot, time for therapy, whether we want to or not." This did make Jim smile.

Once at Dr. Murphy's office, she called them in and asked them both to sit down. Blair took off his flannel shirt, leaving only his tee shirt, and Jim looked up at him like he'd totally lost it. The doctor looked at Blair and started laughing. Jim was trying to figure out why and then Blair turned to him and he saw what was on his tee shirt. It said; Repression: I didn't fucking forget, I chose not to talk about it.

Well, it worked. Jim smiled and it was a big smile. Blair beamed at him when he saw that.

Dr. Murphy asked if there was anywhere they wanted to start? No one said anything for a moment and then Blair said, "I need to ask Jim if he blames me for leaving him right before the rape. I also need to know if he can ever trust me as his partner at work now. I'm feeling like I don't belong anywhere. I don't know who I am anymore."

"Good questions and thoughts, Blair. Now Jim, why don't you answer him."

"Chief, I don't blame you for leaving me. I was an asshole. That didn't have anything to do with the rape. I'd never ever blame you. And as far as being my partner, I'd trust you with my life. I already do. You know that."

"Jim, you know that's not true. You won't let me sleep with you and let me feel like I'm in charge of keeping you safe. You don't let me do anything to help."

"Blair, I don't want you to sleep with me because I can't do anything."

"I don't want to do anything, damn it. I just want to feel like you're still mine. You weren't the only one robbed, Jim."

Jim looked at Blair with tears in his eyes and said, "Chief, I can't do that. Not yet."

"I said, I don't want sex. God, you're so dense sometimes." Blair jumped up and started pacing the room. Every now and then saying something under his breath. Jim heard every word he was saying but, of course, the doctor didn't.

"Blair, why don't you sit down here and share whatever it is you're feeling right now, with Jim."

"I can't."

"Why can't you share it with Jim?"

"Because Doctor, he knows I'm right." Jim said. "We can't make this work. It will only hurt both of us in the long run."

"Oh shut the fuck up, Ellison. You think you know it all, don't you? Well, you don't. I'm feeling sorry for myself, okay. That's why I didn't want to talk to him about it. He's the one that was raped but yet I'm feeling sorry for myself. I feel like Jim was taken from me and I want him back."

Jim just stared at Blair after he heard all that. Dr. Murphy said, "Blair, that's good. Now continue with how you really feel."

"I really feel like I want to sleep with him. Not fuck him, just sleep with him, but I'm so afraid I'll wake up with a hard on and scare the shit out of both of us."

"Jim, how does this make you feel to hear Blair say this?"

Glaring at the doctor, Jim said, "how the hell do I know? This is all new to me too. I don't want Blair in my bed with me. I just don't."

"Why, Jim?" Blair asked.

"Because I'm afraid that you'll want me and I'll have to say no and after so many times of saying no, you'll leave. I figured if I send you away now, it might be less painful."

"Have I ever told you how I hate when you're all noble, Ellison? Well, I do. If I wanted something, I would ask you. But I don't right now. Neither of us could handle it and I'm fine with that. I need you, Jim. I need you bad. And I don't mean to fuck me, I mean to love me."

"I do love you, Chief."

"No, if you loved me, you'd tell me more than this." Blair had tears running down his face.

Jim looked down at the floor and said, "Blair, I'm afraid of you."

"Afraid of what, Jim?"

"Afraid that you'll hurt me." Jim was getting quieter as the meeting went on and this bothered the doctor.

"Okay, Jim and Blair, we're getting some things out in the open. Now we need to look at some different types of things we can do to help with the anxiety and the problems that you're facing right now."

"No, not yet." Blair said, "Jim, you think I would hurt you?"

"No, not really, but I am afraid sometimes. I know it's stupid."

Blair walked over to Jim and sat next to him. He could see Jim shaking and Blair asked, "What is scaring you right now?"

"I know you want to kiss me and I don't want to fucking kiss anyone."

"So why don't you get up, Jim?" Blair asked.

"Because I don't want to hurt you any more than I already have."

"So basically, you're saying if I wanted to hurt you, you'd let me just so I don't move out quite yet. Only when you're good and ready to be alone, is that it?"

Jim did get up this time and started pacing. "I knew you'd turn it all around."

"Well, explain to me how that sounds to you because you make me sound like a fucking rapist."

"Blair, don't upset Jim like this. let him get to it at his own speed."

Blair put his head in his hands and started sobbing softly. He'd had to be so strong for Jim this whole time and he was so tired. Jim watched from across the room and the doctor just stared at the two men. Then she sat back and watched.

Jim walked over to Blair and got down on his knees. He pulled Blair's face up and kissed his lips. "Babe, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I love you, Blair."

But Blair didn't kiss him back. So Jim kissed him again and this time Blair did kiss him. Blair didn't kiss him hard, just barely. He figured they needed this to go really slow. Then Jim pulled Blair into his arms and said, "I want you to sleep with me tonight. If I get scared, I promise, I'll tell you. Okay?"

"That's more than okay, Jim. I love you."

They talked some more with the doctor and she was really pleased with the outcome of today. Jim and Blair were like no other couple she'd ever seen. They seemed closer than anyone she'd ever met. She really liked them too. She told the men she'd like to see them daily for about two weeks and then they could make plans from there.

As they drove home, Jim said, "Blair, I'm sorry I said some of the things I did today. I should have thought before I said them."

"Jim, the whole idea of group therapy is being able to say what you want to who you want. It's all right, Jim."

"Blair, I love you."

"I love you, Jim."

The next five weeks went by quickly for both of the men. Learning all sorts of new things about each other and how they felt about each other. But there still was no more contact other than that kiss in the doctor's office. Blair could live with that. Every week, he and Jim wore different tee shirts to therapy and cracked each other and the doctor up.

When they got home each night, Simon or William would be there hoping to hear that someone was instantly healed, but they never did. This was real life. They also enjoyed the shirts the men wore to cheer each other up.

Jim's shirt that last night William had seen them said; Repression: Keeping your problems to yourself. Depression: Forcing everyone around you to listen to things that should have been repressed.

Well, William had to admit, Blair had gotten Jimmy to really calm down a lot and he seemed a lot more relaxed about talking about personal things.

Who Am I Now? Part 13

William went over to Steven's house to speak to him. He'd seen Jim and Blair and they were doing pretty well. But Jim was still heartbroken over Steven's words. William knew that Jim would never bring it up so William had to speak to Steven. He didn't even know about what happened to Jim. He'd been out of town.

Steven opened the door and said, "Dad? What's wrong?"

"Does something have to be wrong? Can't I just come by to visit with my son?"

"Well, sure you can, but you've never done it before unless something was happening to Jimmy. Did something happen to Jimmy? Oh God, something happened to him, didn't it?"

"Steven, would you really care if something had happened to him?"

"Of course I would. I said some shitty things to him because I was so shocked but I sure as hell wouldn't want him to get hurt in any way. Now what happened?"

"Jimmy was raped, Steven."

"What? Raped as in sexually raped?"

"I didn't realize there would be any other in your mind."

Oh god, I can't believe this. When did this happen?"

"It happened right before you left town and I didn't know how to tell you about it once you got home. Jimmy asked me not to but I decided not to listen to him. He needs to see his brother."

"Jesus, Dad that was two months ago. You mean, no one thought to tell me about it?"

"Well, I know I handled it wrong but I'd like you to go and see him now. Forgive him for being different than you and let him move on."

"I'll go and see him now. Is that okay, Dad?"

"He'd like that, Stevie. Thank you."

As they drove over to Jim's house, William hoped he was doing the right thing. He wouldn't want to push Jimmy away after all the good things that had been done since the rape. He was never closer to his son than he was now but he really felt as if the boys needed to be together.

When they got to Jim's, Steven knocked on the door. Blair opened the door and had his mouth hanging open when he saw Steven. The shirt Blair had on said, Repression: Not just for Ellison's. Steven found himself smiling at Blair's shirt and at Blair. He stepped into the doorway and hugged Blair. Blair hugged him back and whispered, "thank you so much for coming. He'll be so happy."

Jim came down the stairs and hadn't changed his shirt yet either. His said, Repression: If I told you, I'd have to kill you.

Steven looked at Jim, smiling and walked over to his brother and put his arms around him. Jim went right into his arms and said, "Stevie, are you all right?"

"Oh that's rich, Jim. You've had something terrible happen to you and you ask if I'm all right."

"Dad, you promised you wouldn't tell him." Jim shouted as he stormed up the stairs but Steven didn't let him get away with it. He followed him up the stairs. "So what's the deal, bro? You think I can't handle this or what?"

"Stevie, I know how you feel about me and Blair. Okay? You don't have to pretend. I know that you think I probably deserved it." This was barely out of his mouth when a fist went flying into Jim's jaw. Jim fell back on the bed and Steven was slugging him over and over again. Blair went flying up the stairs to stop them but Jim just held him close to him. Steven said, "Jim, I'm so sorry I said that to you. I'm so sorry."

"It's all right, Steven."

"No, it's not. I'm really sorry that I said it and even sorrier that you didn't feel you could come to me to tell me about this terrible thing. I'd've liked to have been here to help you through it."

"It's never too late, Stevie. I'm still not over it. Thank you for coming over. This means a lot to me."

"I love you, Jim."

Jim hugged him even harder and said, "I love you to, little brother."

They walked down the stairs and joined everyone else. Blair had left them up there alone when he saw that Steven wasn't going to continue hitting Jim. They all started talking. Jim filled Steven in on therapy, and what a pain in the neck Sandburg was to have around all the time.

The phone rang and Naomi answered it. "Blair, honey, it's Rachel."

Blair picked up the phone and said, "Hi Rachel, what's up?"

"Blair, we went and had those blood tests that we'd talked about and we are Naomi's kids."

"No shit? That's great. I mean, it's great for me. I always wanted a family. No offense, Mom. Rachel, let me tell mom really fast. Can you come this weekend for dinner?"

"Mom, they had the blood tests done and you're their mom, 99% certain."

Naomi got up and walked into the spare room. Jim got up and said, "excuse me for a minute. I need to talk to Naomi."

Jim knocked on the door and walked in. He found Naomi crying softly. "Naomi, this must be a really big shock?"

"Jim, that's not why I'm crying. I've never wanted to share Blair with anyone. When I found out about the two of you, I didn't even want to share him with you. I don't like sharing and now I find I have three other children that will be in his life. Well, I don't like it."

"Naomi, that's a little selfish, don't you think?"

"Well, I'm going to leave tomorrow and try processing this."

"Naomi, Blair just asked them up for the weekend to spend some time with you."

"Well, did you hear him ask me? I don't' think so. I'm not ready for this, Jim. He's had more time to adapt. I haven't."

"Naomi, please don't leave. He'll be heartbroken."

"He has you, Jim."

"Naomi, we don't have sex. I can't give him that. He's so sad about that, I don't know if he can take any more changes."

"Jim, my Blair is much stronger than you're giving him credit for."

"Fine! Leave him. That's what you're good at anyhow," Jim said as he slammed out of the room.

She followed him and said quietly, "you don't have much room to talk. You could do things with him, but you don't. You're a chickenshit. Get a grip, Ellison."

"Naomi, please don't leave." Jim begged softly.

"Jim, I have to leave." She went into the bedroom and started packing.

Blair looked at Jim with questions written all over his face. Blair said, "Hang on, Ben, I have to see what Jim's doing this weekend."

"What is it, Jim?"

"You're mom won't be here this weekend, Blair. She's leaving tonight."

Blair handed the phone to Jim and walked into the bedroom. Jim said, "Hey Ben, something has come up. Could he call you back?"

"Yeah, that'd be great, Jim."

"Okay, we'll talk to you later on."

"Goodbye, Jim."

"Bye, Ben. Say goodbye to the girls for me."

As he got off the phone, William said, "what the hell is going on?"

"Naomi's leaving."

"What do you mean she's leaving? She just found out that she has three other children and she's leaving?"

"Dad, she's going through a selfish stage right now."

"Jimmy, is there anything I can do to help?" Steven asked.

"No, just be here for the fallout because she'll be gone soon and Blair will be heartbroken. She's been here for the last five weeks and he's used to having her to himself."

The three men sat on the sofa and tried to talk about other things hoping that Blair would be able to talk Naomi into not leaving. About an hour later she walked out of the room and said, "Jim, it was great seeing you, Sweetie. I'll see you next time."

"Thanks for everything you did to help out here, Naomi." Jim said as he hugged her. He really did mean it. She might be a flake sometimes but she was a good hearted flake usually.

As Naomi was walking out the door, Simon walked in. Jim sometimes felt like his life was a revolving door. * Think how Blair must feel right now, Jim. * He smiled at Simon and told him to sit down with Steven and his dad. Simon joined the others in the living room.

Jim walked into the bedroom and sure enough Blair was crying very softly. Jim sat down beside Blair and took him into his arms. "We'll work this out, Blair. Don't ever think that she doesn't love you, Chief. She does, she's just scared about sharing you with three others."

For the first time in all this time as Jim held on to Blair, he felt longing for his friend. This had never happened. He didn't go anywhere with it but it was a nice feeling. He kissed Blair and told him to come out for Pizza when he felt up to it. Blair got himself together and joined Jim and everyone else out in the living room for pizza and beer. There was a game starting soon. This was going to be all right. They just needed to get through the night.

After they were done eating, Jim noticed that Simon seemed to have something on his mind. Finally, Jim just asked him, "Simon, you have something on your mind?"

"Yeah, I do and wondered if we could take a walk, Jim."

"Sure. We'll be right back everyone." Jim said more to Blair than to anyone else.

As they walked out of the building, Jim said, "okay, Simon, what's going on?"

"Jim, I wanted to tell you what happened to Blair's dad. He was killed at the prison. I know that doesn't upset you, but he was Blair's dad and I didn't know how to tell him."

"How did he die, Simon?"

"This is a little bizarre but seems only fitting if you ask me. He was on a clean up detail. He was in charge of mopping the floors when approached by four men who asked him to perform sexual favors for them. He informed them they were all going to burn in hell for their wicked ways and that he'd sooner be dead than do something that revolting."

"Oh, God. So they killed him?"

"They taped his hands around a pole and taped his mouth shut so he couldn't make any noise. Then they took the mop handle and shoved it up his ass. He bled to death. It was a slow and painful death for him. If anyone deserved it, it was him."

When they got back upstairs, Simon went upstairs with Blair to tell him the news and suddenly they all heard laughter. Blair said, "Jesus, I always say you get what you ask for. I think after this I really, truly believe it." They filled Steven and William in on it and William said, "Blair, if you need to talk to me, you know you can call me anytime, right?"

"Thank you, Bill. I'm fine. I never liked him. He was evil and I'm glad he got what he deserved."

After everyone left, Blair took a shower and climbed into bed. Jim was already there. Jim took Blair in his arms and started kissing him. It was the first time it was that type of kissing and Blair said, "no way, Jim. No pity kissing."

"No, I just want you. I really want you."

"Really? I want you so much."

Jim took Blair's hand and put it over his cock. Blair felt the swelling member and smiled. "Ellison, I thought you said you couldn't think about this."

"Sandburg, shut the fuck up and kiss me and hold me."

"Jim, I really think we should slow down."

"You don't want me?"

"Oh, give me a break, you idiot. Of course I want you. That's all I seem to think about these days."

Blair reached his hand inside Jim's boxers and started stroking Jim softly at first. He picked up the pace as he heard how hot it was making Jim. Before long Jim came fast and hard. He started crying and Blair just held him while he tried to get himself composed again.

"It's okay, babe, things will be fine."

"Blair, I want to taste you." Jim said in almost a pleading tone. Blair couldn't believe that Jim wanted to touch him let alone taste him. "Go ahead, man." Blair said trying not to beg.

Jim proceeded to give Blair a blowjob from heaven and Blair couldn't last long at all. But that was okay, because with any luck, this would last longer than once. They both slept straight through the night for the first time in two months. When Jim woke up, Blair was cooking breakfast. He went downstairs and kissed the back of Blair's neck. Blair smiled and turned around. Jim couldn't hold it back. He laughed so damn hard. "Hey, Hot Shot, a guy could get a complex with his lover laughing at him."

"Blair, the shirt and nothing else on is great, but did you have to pick that shirt?" Laughing still, Jim tried to take it off of him. Blair stopped him and said, "What? You don't agree with this shirt?" Jim looked at the shirt again and smiled and said, "I totally agree. Repression is a totally contained person."

"I think so too, Jim. I knew you'd love it. And I have one upstairs for you. Wait till you see it. It's so you."

They stroked each other off while standing in the kitchen and then decided to take a shower together. Blair brought in Jim's clothes and Jim roared when he saw the shirt. "Blair, are you trying to kill me?" His shirt said, Repression: A man in control, while in total denial.

"Jim, could we have my brother and sister's over this weekend for dinner?"

"Babe, you know you don't have to ask me. I'm crazy about them too. They're really nice. I didn't like them at first but they're coming around."

"We were all talking on the phone about a week ago and decided that we should all make plans once a month to go there or come here. That way we can all keep in touch. I told them sometimes I can't because of my job but they just want to try."

"Sounds good to me, Chief. I think it's a really good idea. In fact, why don't we invite them for Thanksgiving and Christmas."

"Thanks, man. This'll be great. And we can invite Sally, Bill and Steven. How does that sound?"

"Sounds perfect to me, Blair."

"Now it's time for some serious talk, Jim. How do you feel about starting back at the station. I need my partner back and I hate being stuck with Conner. I don't mean I hate working with her exactly, but I would rather it be you."

"Well, Dr. Murphy thinks I should go back. She said it's time but I think that maybe we should have the guys and Megan over before I go to the bullpen and see how I handle it. What do you think, Blair?"

"I think I love you very much."

"You are such a romantic man. I love you back, Blair."

The week flew by. On Friday night they had everyone from Major Crime over for poker. Jim was a wreck but he tried to hide it. Blair took him aside once and said, "if you have a hard time, get up and go in the bathroom and I'll meet you there to help you."

"Thanks, Babe. I knew that I could count on you."

As everyone started showing up for Poker night, Jim found out how much they all missed him. They were all hugging him and patting him on the back. They all talked about cases and how much they wanted him back. Jim felt pretty good. He was still scared but he'd get over that. He knew that much. He had to take that first step and Jim knew exactly what the next step should be. He needed to let Blair initiate some of the sexual play they were doing. Blair wasn't making all the moves. Blair tried not to be demanding at all but Jim wanted to be wanted. He had to tell him that.

After everyone left, Jim got ready for bed and then Blair did. When he came upstairs, he crawled into Jim's arms and said, "I love you, Jim. I'll see you in the morning."

"Blair, could I fuck you?"

"Are you sure, Jim? I don't want to be rushing into anything. We don't need any other pressures on us, do we?"

"Blair, I really want to fuck you." He put Blair's hand on top of his cock and Blair could feel it throbbing.

Blair reached over and got all of the supplies that he didn't think he'd ever be needing again but Jim was determined. As he loosened Blair up, he was so careful that it was almost sad. Blair could tell he didn't want to hurt him in any way. Once he was ready, he told Blair and he pushed in and slowly moved his way into Blair. When he got all the way in, he just lay there feeling Blair. He'd missed him so much. Blair was on the verge of tears. He really had felt like he was going to have to be celibate and that thought didn't excite him at all. Blair finally couldn't take the slow stroking, and said, "Jim, fuck me hard, please. I want you to make me feel you for days."

Jim started pounding into Blair saying his name over and over again almost like he was praying. Blair was getting closer and closer and finally screamed Jim's name and came all over him and Jim both. Jim had forgotten how fan-fucking-tastic it felt to have Blair's body stroke him as Blair spasmed in completion. Jim came screaming out Blair's name. * Jim wondered what the neighbors must think. *

As Blair lay there catching his breath, he wondered if he'd ever be able to fuck Jim again. It wasn't that important but Blair didn't think that Jim would ever fuck him again, and look what happened.

Jim looked over at Blair pulling him to his body and said, "Yeah, babe, we'll get to that eventually. I'm thinking about it now. I figure in a week or two, I'll be ready. Stay patient, okay?"

"Jim I can't tell you how much this meant to me. I truly feel as though I belong in your arms again and can't begin to tell you how much that helped me."

"I figure a few more times with the doctor and I'll be almost as good as new. Thank you, Babe, for letting me love you."

"My pleasure, Hot Shot." Blair smiled and started falling asleep.

"I think I'll go back to work on Monday and see how it goes. If it's too much I'll just wait a little longer."

"Sounds like a plan to me. I can't wait to get my partner back. I really never thought we would be partners in anything again, Jim. I felt like you hated me for the longest time."

"Did it just feel like I hated you, Blair?"

"No way, man. That was fantastic. Thank you again."

"I'm still having some trouble dealing with feeling guilty so do you mind if I still see Doctor Murphy after work?"

"You do whatever helps you. Don't worry about what others are going to say anyhow."

"Oh, I got you another shirt for Dr. Murphy's office. It says, Repression: Stop feeling sorry for me. It's repression, not depression.

Jim laughed as he started falling asleep next to the love of his life. He knew that Blair was still questioning things and he'd have to see that he proved to Blair that he did trust him again. It was all a matter of time.

The next day, Jim went to the store to buy some beer and Blair said he had to take care of some phone calls. As soon as Jim walked out, he called William Ellison. He answered the phone, "Ellison." This always made Blair smile when he heard it. They sounded so much a like.

"Bill, I need to ask a favor."

"Name it. You know I'd do anything for either of you."

"Thanks, Bill. Remember when this all happened we talked about the video tape that the FBI wouldn't let Simon have. Is there any way we can get a lawyer to look into getting it for us? I don't like the idea of anyone being able to see Jim like that."

"I already took care of it, Blair. When it first happened I called a friend in Seattle. He put a magnet in the room and when they went to show the video, it didn't work."

"Thank you, Bill. Jim would really appreciate that."

"My pleasure, Blair. He's my son and I would hate to think that someone was watching something that terrible done to him but life is like that. They'd show it to new people and tell them this is what you'll see day in and day out. But I didn't want my son used as an example."

"Would you and Steven like to come for dinner tonight. We're having my family over and I'd like you to get to know them better."

"No, that's all right. I have plans. I'm taking Sally out tonight. We've been dating for some time now. Don't tell Jimmy though. I never felt good about being with anyone but his mom."

"I'll call you on Monday and let you know how Jim did back at work, all right?"

Thank you, Blair. We'll talk to you later. Talk soon.

"Bye, Bill."

Who Am I Now? Part 14

When Jim got back from the store, Blair was bouncing up and down and Jim said, "what? I've only been gone for 30 minutes. What happened that would make you smile like that?"

"I just got done talking to your dad on the phone. We had some things to discuss and I asked him over for dinner tonight and guess who he's dating?"

Jim just stared at Blair strangely and said, "Who?"

"Sally. Do you believe it? I mean, how perfect is that, man?"

"Sally? My Sally?"

"Well, Jim, she's not exactly your Sally. She's just Sally."

"I can't believe it. How long has this been going on?"

"Jim, are you mad about this? I figured it would make you happy."

"I'm not mad, just pissed off that he is dating someone like Sally."

"What the hell do you mean by that, Jim?"

"Blair, calm down. I just mean my dad and Sally will never make it in Dad's world."

"Oh I get it. You don't think Sally's good enough for your dad. I see now."

"Fuck you, Blair. I'm not saying that at all. I'm thinking of Sally."

"Well, now I know why he didn't want me to tell you."

Jim got up and stormed into the bathroom slamming the door behind him. * How dare his dad do this? How could he do this to he and Steven? And because of their dad, how long before Sally would be out of their lives? *

When he finally came out of the bathroom, Blair was making dinner and didn't say a word to Jim as Jim came closer to him. Jim leaned into Blair and said, "I'm sorry. I'm really sorry."

"Jim, do you want to explain this to me, because I'm like totally lost."

"When my mom left it was mostly because of my dad. He was a cold person and my mom couldn't live like that any longer. What's going to happen when he does this to Sally? Then she'll leave and that will be it for me and Steven having her around."

"Jim, calm down. He said they've been dating for a year or more."

"You're shitting me? I can't believe he kept it from us that long."

"Jim, he's an adult he doesn't have to ask for your permission to date Sally. I think you should just be happy for him."

"It's easy for you to say, Blair, you have your mom. You know where she is and you know she loves you."

"Jim, ask your dad where you Mom is. He knows. I asked him about it. Maybe you need to look for her."

"Why the fuck would I want to find someone that didn't give a shit about us when we were young?"

Blair pulled Jim into his arms and said, "You care, Jim. You care."

"Yeah, I do. I'm sorry I was yelling at you, Blair. I had no right. I just miss my mom sometimes and I don't want to lose Sally."

"Try not to worry about it, babe. Call your dad and talk to him tomorrow night about your Mom."

That night when they went to bed, Blair held Jim in his arms a little tighter than he normally did. He felt that Jim needed it. He'd been through so much and he needed something good in his life. Jim was asleep almost instantly. Blair knew that relaxing would do the trick. He also knew that Jim was a nervous wreck about going back to work in the morning. Blair would try not to worry about anything until they had to.

When Jim awoke in the morning, he smelled the coffee and breakfast. He could hear Blair singing in the shower. Jim loved listening to Blair in the shower. Hell, he loved listening to Blair anywhere. He had it so bad. Smiling, Jim got out of bed and got his things for his shower. Jim leaned over the railing and yelled, "Sandburg, you better not use up all of the hot water." Jim could hear Blair laughing as he shut the water off. Jim didn't really care. He would complain, yes, but he couldn't care less if Blair used all of the hot water.

After he finished his shower and headed out to the kitchen, he could see Blair was nervous. "Blair, why are you so nervous?"

"I'm not nervous just excited about having my partner back." Jim truly wanted to believe that it was the truth, but had his doubts. He'd see as the day wore on and see what happened at work. Jim realized he was a nervous wreck and maybe that's why Blair was nervous. It might be rubbing off. He stopped next to Blair, pulled him into a hug and said, "I love you so much, Chief."

"I love you, Jim. Things will go great today, I just know it."

They both got their things and went out the front door, Jim stopping long enough to lock up the door before they made their way to the elevator. Once inside the truck, Jim clearly was a wreck and asked, "Babe, could you be sure I don't do or say anything really stupid today?"

"Jim, why should today be any different than any other day?" Blair asked laughing hard.

Jim cuffed Blair up side the head and laughed with him and suddenly Jim the feeling that things might be okay. He was relaxing. His lover would see that things were fine. He knew that.

When they got to the station, they were on their way to the elevator when two jerks from Vice walked up and said, "so, Ellison, I guess you don't mind the rough stuff anymore, right?" Williams inquired.

"Shut the fuck up, Williams." Blair shouted back at him.

"Chief, ignore them. They're just trying to pick a fight. It's not worth it." Jim said softly.

Williams' partner Meyer, then asked, "Ellison, we need to have a decoy for a rape case. You'd be perfect. Wanna volunteer?"

Before Jim could say or do anything, Blair punched Meyer in the mouth and then punched Williams in the stomach, knocking the man's air right out of him. Jim just stood there in shock. By then, there were a lot of people from Major Crime coming up to the elevator. Brown grabbed Blair and said, "okay, Mr. Ali, would you like to let us in on the boxing rules for Vice jerks?"

The elevator opened and Jim walked in not saying a word to anyone. He punched the button for Major Crime and watched it shut. Blair saw the hurt and pain on Jim's face as the door shut. "Fuck..." Blair said as he got up and started running for the stairs.

"Brown," Williams said, "stop him. I want to press charges."

"Fine, when we find out what was said, we'll see what has to be done." Brown answered.

"I should have known you'd all side with the fag." Meyer said.

When Blair got upstairs, he saw Jim in Simon's office. Walking as calmly as he could, he knocked on the door. When Simon said "come in, Sandburg," he entered and said, "Sir, I'm really sorry about what I did."

"Would you like to fill me in on it?" Simon asked.

"No, not really. They were just jerks and I let them get the better of me. I haven't got a better excuse. You can put me on suspension, sir."

"Sandburg, they aren't bringing charges. Brown just called to tell us that nothing would be done but, let me remind you, you are a peace officer. What part of peace did you not understand?"

"I'm sorry, sir. It won't ever happen again." Blair said with his head hanging. Blair then glanced up at Jim and saw such sadness in his eyes that Blair had tears coming to his eyes instantly.

"Jim, I'm so sorry, man. I'm really sorry. Please forgive me."

"Sandburg," Simon said, "I'll loan you my office for a few minutes and you get this all worked out."

"Thanks, Simon." Blair said as he closed the blinds, followed by the door.

"Okay, Jim, tell me what else is wrong? I know you're angry with me, but there's something else I see in your eyes. Want to fill me in?"

"You don't think I'm a man anymore. You didn't even give me a chance to fight this battle for myself. You jumped in because you think I'm not a strong enough person any longer."

Blair pushed Jim back into the chair and said, "sit down and shut up while I explain a few things to you, Mr. Ellison."

"Blair, are you denying that you see me differently?"

"No, I'm not. I see you as the bravest and strongest person I've ever seen in my life, but I have every right in fighting your battles."

"Explain." Jim said shortly.

"Jim, how many times have you punched someone because of me? How many times have you taken a punch or bullet because of me? Did you think I was less a man than you when you did those things?"

"You weren't a cop then. It makes a difference."

"No, it doesn't make a difference, not to me. I was sticking up for my partner in all things. I realize that was stupid here at work, but I couldn't let them say that and get away with it. I'm sorry, but yet I'm not. I love you so much and I don't want anyone hurting you, physically or verbally."

"Blair, you don't think I thought less of you when you weren't my real partner, did you?"

"Yeah, maybe I did. But I got over it."

"Chief, we need to talk about these things when they're bothering us. Promise we'll talk next time."

"Okay, I promise." Blair walked over to the chair, pulled Jim up and went into his arms. They stayed that while for awhile before Jim said, "let's get out there and get this first day over with, Partner."

So, that's exactly what they did. They had numerous calls and the day flew by. About six that night Blair said, "Jim, I don't know about you, but I'm starving."

"Chief, I'm trying to finish this up before we leave here. I don't want to be behind any more than I have to."

"Well, I'm going to go and get us a Wonderburger. Want a drink to go with that, Jim?"

"No, I still have this soda sitting here. Be careful, Chief."

"Yeah, I might meet some undesirables in the Wonderburger parking lot but, at least, I can outrun them because they're in bad shape from eating there all the time."

Jim started laughing and said, "you're the one that said you were going there, so hush up."

"Later, partner." Blair called out as he headed to the stairs.

Joel, Brown, Conner, Rafe and Simon all walked over to him as soon as Blair walked out the door and stood before his desk. Jim looked up and said, "something I can do for all of you?"

"Jim, I wanted to tell you how happy I am that you're back." Conner said and hugged Jim from behind since he wasn't standing up yet. "Conner," Jim said, "geeze, I wasn't gone that long, was I?"

"Jim, we all missed you. We missed your grouchy personality and we missed you and Blair together." Rafe said with much affection.

"Jim, if there's anything you need to talk about, you know where I am." Joel said as he made his way to his office. "Thanks, Joel. I might take you up on that one of these days." Jim said as he smiled at the affection they were all showing him.

"We just wanted you to know that those assholes in Vice are the only one's that would feel that way. None of us would ever say or do anything to hurt you, Jim." Simon said.

"Hey guys, I know that and I thank you for being here for me and for Blair. He's been a mess because of me and I know that you all helped him through a lot of this."

"That's what friends are for, Jimbo." Conner said laughing as she clapped his back.

When Blair walked back into Major Crime, Jim was smiling for the first time that day and was typing like he was enjoying it. * All right, Sandburg, time to search for the pod. Something's up. He wasn't this happy when I left. Who took his place? Wait a minute; I might like this new Jim. *

Jim looked up and saw his partner smiling broadly at him and said, "I'm just happy, Chief. Nothing else. I'm so glad I came back to work. And to think I almost went home this morning."

"Because of me, Jim?" Blair asked sadly.

"Not hardly. I didn't know if I could take anyone talking about me. I heard some things said and it was pretty bad."

"I'm glad things worked out for you, then. I'm really happy to have my partner back."

"How're we doing on the paperwork, partner?"

"Almost done, want to take over for awhile?" Jim asked smiling.

"Sure, you've done most of it. I'll take over and do my share."

Simon came walking out of his office and said, "Jim, could I see you in my office?"

"Sure Simon, I'll be right in." Jim turned to Blair and said, "We'll leave as soon as I finish talking to Simon. Okay, Chief?"

"Yeah, sounds good to me, Jim."

Jim walked into the office and Simon said, "you might want to shut the door for privacy's sake."

Jim shut the door and went over and sat down. "What's up, sir?"

"First of all, that was the Police Commissioner on the phone. He heard about the incident this morning and he wants you to give a seminar at the Police Academy on Rape victims. He thinks you'd be a good role model for a lot of the new cadets. Then he wondered if you'd like to speak at a class at the college for rape survivors."

"Simon, I don't want to do that. I'm not up to it."

"Think about it, Jim. If you'd been taught at the academy about rape and the victims, you'd treat everyone a little better and a little kinder, am I right?"

"Yes, but I don't know that I'd be able to do it."

"Just promise that you'll talk to Blair about it and then think on it."

"Okay. Now what else has me in here with the door closed?"

"The FBI wants Blair back for the training. He still has three months to go. Actually, it was more but they knocked it down to three."

"Sir, can we hold off on that?"

"Jim, if he cancels this, he loses his place. I know you don't want to hold Blair back, do you?"

"No, sir, I don't."

"Jim, are you okay with staying by yourself? Is that what's bothering you?"

"Simon, I'm a big boy, I know how to take care of myself, usually." Jim added the last with a sneer.

"Jim, it's up to you. Either you tell him about it, or I do."

"Sign him up for it. I'll talk to him every night and I'll get up there every weekend. You'll let me go now and then, right?"

"Sure, Jim that sounds fine to me. Why don't you call your partner in here?"

Opening the door, Jim said, "Sandburg, Simon wants to talk to you."

As Blair went into the office, Jim went over to his desk and started finishing up the work he'd started before he went in there.

Blair was in the office for about 30 minutes and came out madder than hell. "Ellison, I need to talk to you."

Getting up Jim followed him into the break room and said, "what's up, Chief?"

"Cut the crap, Ellison. How dare you decide what's best for me or my career?"

"So, you don't want to be in the profiling business some day?"

"Stop putting words into my mouth. Just shut the fuck up. I don't want to leave you. I don't know that I can stand being apart from you, Jim."

"Chief, I love you so much and I'm going to miss you so much, but it's something you have to do. I'll be here when you get back."

"Will you call me every single night, no matter how late you work?"

"I promise. Believe me, Blair, I don't want you to go. I just know that it's the right thing to do."

Blair went into Jim's open arms and they hugged really fast and quick since they were at work. They walked out of the break room and Simon saw them smiling and knew that things would work out all right.

The drive home was quiet and almost bittersweet. Jim knew that Blair was leaving the next day and he'd be alone again. Jim hated being alone. "Chief, would you mind if I came up on the weekends?"

"No, man, that would be great."

"Okay, every chance I get, I'll be up for two or three days. Simon told me he'd give me time off if I wasn't on a case."

"That makes me feel a lot better, Jim. I was missing you already."

Once they got home, Blair asked, "Jim, will you ask your dad over a lot while I'm gone? And I want you to ask him about your Mom, okay?"

"I promise I will, Blair. I won't sit at home feeling sorry for myself. I'll even set up some appointments with Dr. Murphy because I know I'm going to need her."

As they lay in bed that night, Blair felt such love for Jim, that it was almost enough to overtake his being. They made love that night, but it was gentle, sweet and quiet. There was something so different about it and Jim and Blair both wanted to remember this night for a long time.

When they got up in the morning, Jim said, "what time do I take you to the airport?"

"Actually, Simon's picking me up in about an hour and taking me."

"No fucking way. I'll take you." Jim said with such sadness it broke Blair's heart.

"Jim, I can't stand the idea of leaving, and I don't want to look at you as I get on the plane. I'm sorry."

"Babe, please let me take you."

"No, I asked Simon. He'll be here soon."

"Please, Blair." Jim begged.

At that moment, Simon knocked on the door. Blair opened it and said, "hey, Simon. How're you this morning."

Simon realized that Blair hadn't told Jim about the arrangements until now and he could see how upset Jim was. "Sandburg, you going to Seattle looking like that?"

"No sir, I'm heading to the shower right now."

Once he was in the bathroom, Jim stared out the balcony doors. Simon could tell he was upset. Jim's shoulders would make anyone want to start kneading his back and neck. As Simon neared Jim, Jim tensed up, which bothered Simon, but he knew that things would take awhile to get back to normal. "Jim, this is what the kid wanted."

"Simon, he's not a kid."

"Fine, Blair wanted you to go to work today and not to the airport, so that's what we're doing."

"I don't want him to go, Simon." Jim said sadly.

"And that's why he wanted me to take him. He can't afford you breaking down at the airport, Jim. He'd have no choice but to stay here. You know that's not what you or he want."

"I know." Jim said with his head hanging. "I'm going to be lost without him, Simon."

"Hey, I'm here if that's any consolation."

"Thanks, Simon. It helps a lot." Jim said as he turned hearing Blair come out of the bathroom. Jim smiled when he saw how great Blair looked. But it was one of those smiles that doesn't make it all the way to the eyes and Simon and Blair both saw it.

"I have to leave, Jim. I'll call you tonight, okay?"

"Yeah, if I'm not here I'll call you as soon as I get home."

Jim took Blair into his arms. Blair could feel Jim shaking with silent sobs and it broke Blair's heart. "I have to go, Jim. I love you and I'll talk to you tonight." Blair grabbed his bag and flew out of the door. Simon hugged Jim and said, "I'll take care of him, Jim. You go to work and talk to Joel. He'd love it."

As Simon pulled away from Jim, he saw the saddest looking person he'd ever seen. Well, at least, that was until he got downstairs and saw Sandburg. My god, what they must be going through, Simon thought.

The trip to the airport was quiet. Blair kept sniffling and Simon finally said, "I'll take care of him, Blair. I promise that if I see him getting depressed; I'll call the doctor or talk to Jim about it."

"Thank you, Simon. I'm going to be lost without him for three months. And what happens if he gets busy on a case? Then I won't see him for a long time."

"Well, let's hope for the best and not dwell on bad things that could happen. I'll take care of him. That leaves you to take care of you. Think you're up to it?"

"Yes, Simon. I'll be fine. Just take good care of Jim. He's not as tough as he seems."

"I know that, Sandburg, he's my friend too."

"Oh yeah, sometimes I forget that others know him as well as I do."

The time will go fast, Blair and then you'll be back here. I'm going to put Conner with Jim. They work the best with each other."

When Blair's plane got called for boarding, Blair hugged Simon and found himself in a huge Simon hug. "Take care, Sandburg."

"Bye, Simon." Blair said sadly as he boarded the plane.

When Simon left there all he could think about was how much these men would miss each other. He'd have to keep Jim really busy.

On the plane, Blair took out his journal and wrote his sad feelings down and figured he'd let Jim read them when he saw him this next weekend. As he wrote in the book he realized that it helped. Getting those feelings out were important.

Jim got to the station and went to Joel's office and said, "morning, Joel, want a cup of coffee?"

Joel looked at Jim and knew that Jim was on the verge of tears, so he said, "come on in, Jim. I just so happen to have my own pot in here." Getting up, he shut the door and took Jim into his arms. "It'll get better, Jim. I promise. But we're all here for you." Joel just held Jim as Jim cried a little and then he moved away. He seemed to gain strength from Joel and the feelings from everyone else. * It might not be too bad, Jim thought. *

As he left Joel's office, he headed to Conner's desk and said, "good morning, Conner. Do we have a plan for today?"

Smiling, Conner said, "yes, we're in charge of the new homicide that just came in. Ready to check it out partner?"

"Ready as I'll ever be." Jim said as he grabbed his jacket again going towards the elevator.

When they got there, it was much worse than they had been told. Someone had murdered an entire family. The parents and children were all killed. It was horrific. Jim had to keep taking deep breaths to keep his calm and Conner almost lost her breakfast three times. Jim had to calm her down all three times. They knew this one was going to be bad.

After they looked over the crime scene, they decided they needed to make a list of people to question as soon as possible. Everyone at Mr. Miller's and Mrs. Miller's workplace and everyone that was related would have to be interviewed. Then they needed to see if there were any girlfriends or boyfriends on the side. They were going to have their work cut out for them.

Leaving there, they went right to Mr. Miller's workplace and started asking questions. Jim noticed that no one had an elevated heartbeat when they asked questions about him and no less than ten people had cried very hard when they heard the news. They questioned everyone and found little out. Mr. Miller's boss said as far as he knew the man was very happily married and he couldn't help them in any way.

"Jim, did you feel like that was a waste of time?"

"No, because, at least, we have an idea that it was no one that had anything to do with his work. Now we'll try her workplace and then the family. Did Joel go to tell her family members about them?"

"Yes, I asked him to do it so we could start the questions at work."

"Good thinking. By this afternoon we might be questioning the family. I'd like them to have at least a few hours to get over the shock. Well, not that they'll be over it, but at least they'll be prepared for questions."

"Oh I totally agree, Ellison. This has to be solved quickly. God, who could kill those babies?"

"Very sick individual's." Jim said with resignation. He hated the thought of having to go and ask questions of the family members. God, that was the worst part of his job.

Who Am I Now? Part 15

The next time Jim and Megan looked at their watches, it was eight at night. Where had the day gone? "Jim, do you feel like we're making any progress in this at all? I just feel like we're going in circles. Everyone seems innocent."

"Well, Conner, we all know that, sooner or later, someone will screw up and we'll be here when that happens. Until then we just have to keep doing our job."

"Wanna go and have some dinner, Jim?"

"Yeah, that would be nice. I don't want to go home quite yet. Thanks, Conner."

"Hey, I'm hungry, nothing else." They both laughed as they went to the garage to get their cars. "How does Italian sound?" Jim asked.

"I found a place that you'd be wild about. It's Cajun food and it's just the best place in town. My opinion, of course, but still."

"Cajun it is, Conner. I'll follow you in my truck, how does that sound?"

"Will do. I'll see you there in about 15 minutes." Getting into their vehicles they left the garage and went to the restaurant and parked. Getting out of his truck, Jim said, "Wow, looks pretty quiet, are you sure the food is okay?"

"Yes, smart ass, I'm sure. Now get your butt in there." They both laughed as they walked into the place. The owner found them a nice table immediately and said, "I see your brought your special friend in tonight. I'm very glad to see you with him."

Jim started laughing and watched Megan turn beet red. He was never going to let her forget this one. As they sat down in the booth the manager brought them wine and all sorts of appetizers. Jim and Conner laughed and talked and were having an all around wonderful time. When suddenly, Jim noticed that it was midnight and he wasn't home. Blair was probably worried sick. "Conner, I have to get home. Blair was supposed to call me tonight. I forgot. God, how could I forget?" Jim said as he threw a bunch of money on the table. Conner grabbed his hand and said, "Jim, I'll drive you home. I stopped after the first glass of wine, and you didn't. Everything will be okay."

They drove home in silence and Megan knew that Jim worried about Blair leaving him. She knew that he was wondering that right now. She decided that maybe if they talked about the problem, it might help. "Jim, do you worry about Blair leaving you?"

Jim looked at her with horror written all over his face. "He promised he wouldn't leave me. He promised me."

"Jim, don't worry, I'm sure he won't. I was just wondering if you worried about that."

"Of course, I worry about that Conner. I'm fucking damaged goods and what do I do? I go out and have a good time while Blair's sitting in Seattle by himself waiting for my call."

"Settle down, Ellison. Blame it all on me. We're just friends, he'll understand. I'm sorry that I've made you so anxious."

"I just need to talk to Blair. I'm sorry for freaking out."

When they drove up, Jim jumped out of the car and said, "thanks, Conner, see you tomorrow."

She shut the car off and Jim looked over at her and she said, "I want to talk to him, too. I miss him too, ya know?"

Conner had a hard time keeping up with Jim as he flew up the stairs. Once inside the apartment he listened to the messages and there were three from Blair. He wondered where Jim was and hoped everything was all right.

Picking up the phone, Jim called the hotel and after a short time, Blair's room was finally ringing through. Blair picked up the phone still half asleep and said, "Sandburg."

"Babe, it's just me. I'm sorry I wasn't here."

"Jim, that's all right. I'm glad you called. I missed you tonight. But I had a really busy day and decided to get some sleep."

"I'm so sorry, Blair."

"Jim, what are you sorry for and why do you sound like you're going to cry? Jim, come on, what's going on?"

Jim jumped up and ran for the bathroom, but not before he threw the phone at Conner. "Sandy?"

"Conner? Why're you there? Is something wrong with Jim? What's that weird sound?"

"Well, in answer to all the questions, I drove Jim home after dinner because I made him drink some wine. He's been so tense. Sandy, we had a tough case today and it's going to be a long one. I treated him to dinner and then he panicked when he saw the time. Now, he's in the bathroom throwing up."

"Jesus, was he scared I was going to be mad?"

"Yes, he's so upset, Sandy, but don't worry. I'm going to stay here tonight and be sure he's okay."

"Thank you, Conner. I hope you know I would never leave him but it'll take a long time for him to know that I guess."

"We all just have to be patient. He had a really good and busy day, Sandy. You'd have been proud of him."

Jim came walking out of the bathroom and held his hand out for the phone. "Well, Sandy, your partner is yanking the phone from my hands so I guess it's his turn."

"Hey." Jim said quietly.

"Jim, I love you so much. I'm glad you had a good day. Conner told me you and she went to dinner. I'm so glad you weren't alone."

"I'm so sorry, Blair. How could I have forgotten?"

"First of all, Jim. I'm not mad. I'm not leaving you for anything so get that out of your mind, do you understand? Next, you are allowed to have a life other than waiting at home for phone calls from me."

"But I wanted to talk to you."

"Well, I'm really glad, but we'll get through this, Jim. Don't worry about it. Conner is sleeping in our spare room tonight. I want you to go to sleep now. Remember that I love you so much."

"I love you too, Blair. I'll talk to you tomorrow."

"Night, Jim."

Night, Blair."

Jim hung the phone up in its cradle and went up the stairs silently. Megan didn't say a word. She knew Jim was really upset about all this. So Megan just got ready for bed and put on one of Jim's big tee shirts she found in Blair's old closet. As she lay in bed, she didn't hear anything, so figured it was safe to sleep for now. At three in the morning, she awoke to Jim screaming for Blair. It was so loud and so pitiful. Megan ran up the stairs and woke Jim up and held him in her arms. "Want to talk about it, Jim?"

"No, I never want to talk about this. It was horrible." Jim said as he tried to get his breathing under control.

Conner lay down beside Jim and just kept saying soothing words to him and rubbing his back. Finally, Jim fell asleep and Conner did too. She knew that Sandy wouldn't mind. She couldn't have left Jim for anything.

When Jim woke up in the morning, Megan was in the shower. That left Jim with time to think about the horrible dream. He had dreamed that Blair was raping him. This was something that was so unbelievable, yet here he was still shaking about this very thought. He might have to talk to the shrink about this. God, that was the worst thing he had ever gone through. He called the doctor while he still had a little time to himself. He left a message and then sat by the phone and waited. The phone rang and he picked it up and said, "Ellison."

"Jim, this is Rena Murphy. How are you? What happened?"

"I had a terrible dream. Blair's going to be out of town for three months and now I have to deal with things on my own. The dream scared the shit out of me."

Jim had rose from the bed and was pacing as they were talking. He was a wreck.

"Jim, tell me what the dream was about."

"I had a dream that Blair was raping me."

Dr. Murphy could hear the catch in Jim's voice. "Jim, first of all let me tell you that it's very common for this to happen. Often when you get close to wanting to have sex again, a person scares themselves off with these types of dreams."

"We've been having sex, Doctor."

"Well, have you been having sex where he's penetrating you?"

"No, I haven't wanted to do that. We were taking things slow." Jim answered quite defensively.

"Jim, calm down, this is normal. You're getting better. Just keep telling yourself that every time you have one of those dreams it means you're closer to having sex like you used to."

"I have to go, Doctor. I'll set up an appointment if I don't get this under control." Jim knew he had to get off here before Conner heard what they were talking about.

On the way to Jim's pickup, Megan said, "so, Jim, was the nightmare about Blair having sex with you again? I mean the way you used to?"

"Conner, that's none of your fucking business."

"Hey, I was just trying to help. I have a friend who was raped and she started having terrible dreams when it came time for her to have sex again."

"What did she do?" Jim asked without looking at Conner.

"She waited it out and after about two weeks of nightmares she was able to talk about it to her husband and they had sex just like they used to."

"Thanks, Conner." Jim said as she dropped him off at the truck. "and I'm not talking about the ride."

"No problem, Jim. Don't worry about it. Hey, how would you like a roommate while my apartment is being painted?"

"I wouldn't mind if you want to stay in the spare room."

"Thanks, Jim, I'll see you at the station."

As she drove off, Jim couldn't help smiling. He was fucking lucky to have so many good friends. He had to be sure to let them all know how much they meant to him one of these days.

When he got to the bullpen, Megan was making up a list of things they were going to do about the murder. "Any idea's?" she asked.

"I have to tell you, Conner, this is a tough one. It wasn't any family members and it wasn't anyone from where they work. So, was it just a random kill?"

"I don't think so Jim. It was too precise, don't you think?"

"Yeah, I do. We'll find something. Let's go back to the scene and see if we can find something they all missed." Jim said as he walked to the stairs.

"That will work out well since we still have to ask questions of all of the neighbors. They might have seen something and weren't even aware of it." Megan said catching up to him and asked, "why the stairs?"

"We need the exercise, Conner." Jim said laughing.

They talked about the case all the way over to the first neighbor. By the fifth neighbor, they were beginning to give up.

Conner said, "So sir, you haven't seen them have any problems or arguments with anyone?"

"No one except the grocery delivery guy. She threw him out of the house. He made a pass at her. She told me three days later."

Jim asked, "do you know who it was? Did you get a name?"

"I know that he was fired, and his name was Jerry." The neighbor answered.

They left there and hit all of the grocery stores in the neighborhood until they found one where they delivered. Jim asked, "did you have anyone that delivered named Jerry that was let go lately?"

The manager said, "Oh, don't tell me he bothered them again. He's been fired, officer, I don't know what else to do."

"You could start by giving me his name, address and phone number." Jims said.

The manager told them Jerry's name, address and phone number. They left to go and question him right away. When they drove up, they saw a man sitting on the porch. When he saw Megan get out of the car, he smiled at her and it was a sick smile. Jim wanted to kick his ass right then. Whispering to Jim, Megan said, "how much you want to bet he's been charged with sexual assault charge somewhere?"

"I never bet on a sure thing." Jim said with a very cold look on his face.

As soon as they asked him the first couple of questions, Jerry Finner fell apart and started telling them everything. Jim stopped him and said, "I need to read you your rights." He rattled off the rights as he cuffed Jerry and put him in the back of Conner's car. They took him down to headquarters and booked him. As they went upstairs, Conner noticed that Jim looked really stressed out about this whole case. "Jim, are you all right?"

"No, Megan, I'm not. I can't believe this man killed an entire family because she wouldn't put out for him." Jim said with disgust.

I don't know about you, but I feel a lot better knowing who it is and that we have him behind bars." she said following him to their desks. Paperwork had to be done and at least now they could go home and not worry about some sicko getting away with it.

They both worked non-stop on the paperwork so they wouldn't have to stay late again. As Jim was sitting at his desk his phone rang, "Ellison."

"Jimmy, I wondered if you'd like to go out to eat with Sally and I tonight?" William asked.

"I don't want to go out, Dad, but you're welcome to come over and we can order some takeout. I've just finished a case that was bad and I'm a little tired. Blair is in Seattle and I expect his phone call too."

"What time are you going to be home, Jimmy?" the elder Ellison asked.

"I should be there by 6:30. Is that good for you?"

"Perfect, we'll see you then. I thought I'd ask Steven too." William added.

The day flew by. Simon called Conner and Ellison into his office to tell them what a good job they did. "Sir, it wasn't us. All we needed was a good reliable witness and the case was made." Conner said modestly.

"Well, at any rate, you both did a fine job." Simon said.

"Thank you, sir." Jim and Conner said at the same time and laughed when they did.

"All right, you two take the rest of the day off." Simon said smiling, "after the paperwork is done."

"Thank you, sir." Both Jim and Megan said again except this time they laughed all the way out of the office.

"Conner, my dad is coming by for dinner tonight, so I'd like for you to come too. I mean, if you want to."

"I'm just going to go and pick up some clothes and my hygiene items and then we'll be set. What are we eating?" Conner asked.

"I don't know, take out something."

"Don't be silly. I'll stop and get the ingredients and we'll have a great dinner. How many will be there?"

Jim told her as they walked down to their car and truck to leave for the day and night. Jim was so glad to have this whole thing behind him.

When Jim got home, he dialed the hotel where Blair was staying and left a message on his voice mail. He just wanted to tell him that he'd be here and everyone was going to be over for dinner. God, he missed Blair. What would he do for the next three months?

Jim was sitting on the sofa just nodding off for a short nap when the phone rang. He jumped up thinking it would be Blair. He answered, "Blair?"

"No, you were expecting you little fuck buddy?" the voice asked and Jim tensed up immediately.

"Don't call here again." Jim shouted into the phone.

"Ellison, we can call anytime we want to. Maybe your boyfriend will come home and fight your battles." They hung up and Jim was shaking like a leaf.

Right then there was a knock at the door and Jim jumped about a foot off the floor. He looked out the peephole and saw it was Conner and let her in. He told her all about the phone call he just received. She pulled him into her arms and said, "Jim, if you want to scream, punch or hit, I'm here for you. Not for you to hit, but I'll help you punch these guys."

"Conner, I don't know who they are."

"Jim, it's Meyer. He's so slimy and that's just like him. He's such a sleaze."

"Don't waste your anger on him, Conner. It's not that big of a deal." Jim said as he helped Conner put her things away and then went down to get the groceries.

Once he got back upstairs he asked, "what's on the menu for dinner?"

"I thought I would make beef stew, what do you think? I make the best baking powder bisquits to go with it. You'll love it, Jim."

"Sounds great to me. I didn't even know you could cook, Conner."

"Yeah, I love cooking. I'm not that much of a cook at my place, because it's boring to cook for only one person. But for a group of friends, I love to do it."

Jim went upstairs to change into something more comfortable when his dad came to the door. Megan opened the door and said, "nice seeing you again, Mr. Ellison, Steven and you must be Sally?"

Shaking hands with all three of them, Sally said, "yes, has Jim talked about me?"

"All the time." Megan said with a big smile.

"Jimmy is all right, isn't he?" William asked. "Of course, sir. He's fine. He went upstairs to change into something a little more comfortable."

"Why are you here?" Steven asked almost angry.

"Because I asked if I could come for dinner and Jim being the nice guy he is, invited me to join you all. If you have a problem with it, I'll leave." Conner said just as angrily.

"Don't be silly." William said, "Steven, calm down. Mind your manners, or I'll have to get rough with you." At this, Sally started laughing and they tried to make light of the situation. When Jim came walking down the stairs they all looked up and saw that Jim was indeed fine. "Hi, Sally." Jim said as he hugged her so hard it almost took her breath away. "I'm so happy to see you."

"Thank you for letting us come by, Jimmy," she said as she pulled away from Jim and turned towards Megan and said, "Miss Conner, could I help you with something in the kitchen?"

Jim couldn't help it, he started laughing at the sound of Miss Conner. "There're a lot of things Conner is, but being a Miss isn't one of them."

"I'll have you know, Ellison, I'm still a Miss." Megan grumbled.

"Well, it's better than being a hit." Jim groused back. Even William was laughing by this time, but Steven was still sitting there glaring at Conner.

"Jim, could I see you for a moment?" Conner asked.

Jim followed her into the spare room and she shut the door and said, "What's up with your brother? He's acting like I'm the enemy. What have I ever done to him?"

"Conner, if I didn't know better, I'd say he has a thing for you." Jim said smiling.

"You're kidding?" She said, "I'd love to have him interested in me. He's very nice looking in an Ellison sort of way."

Jim pushed Megan back into the living kitchen and said to his dad, "would you like a beer? I'd ask Steven, but he's already rude enough as it is."

"Oh fuck you, Jim." Steven griped.

Sally started helping Megan set the table. The phone rang and William answered it while Jim was in the bathroom and said, "Ellison."

"Are you missing your fuck buddy yet, Ellison?" the person said. "Are you missing having something shoved up your ass day and night?"

"Who is this?" Bill asked in shock. Jim came out of the bathroom, took one look at his dad and knew it was the same caller again and grabbed the phone and slammed it down into the cradle. "Jimmy, how long has this been going on?"

"Just today dad, don't worry about it." Jim said, pleading with his eyes to his father. William understood that he didn't want a big thing made out of it, but William was going to speak to Inspector Conner about it.

"Everyone that's hungry, come on in. This is your one and only call." Sally said jokingly. After dinner, Conner told Jim and William to go and sit down and talk with Sally. She turned to Steven and said, "would you like to help me clean up the kitchen, Steven?"

"Oh, I'd love to." Steven said as he got up and started laughing on his way into the kitchen.

"Megan," William said, "dinner was delicious. Thank you for everything."

"You're most welcome," Megan answered, "I'm glad everyone seemed to like it."

"It was wonderful." Jim said

As they walked into the living room and sat down they watched Megan and Steven cleaning up the kitchen and Jim said, "hey, do you see this? Steven's cleaning up my kitchen. What're the odds of that happening."

Laughing, Bill said, "Well, if you had Megan Conner there, I think he would do most anything."

In the kitchen, Megan was discussing the problems that Jim was having with some jerks at work. She had her voice very soft and she knew that Jim could hear her but Steven had asked and she felt like she could tell his brother. "They're calling him now and taunting him." Megan added.

"Well, what's Jimmy doing about it?" Steven asked.

"Nothing. He doesn't want to make a big thing about it." Conner griped.

"So, I take it you're not in agreement with him about this?" Steven asked.

"Hell no. I think we should kick some major ass and kick it good. Actually, I was thinking about kicking some major cocks instead, but they don't have any major ones." Conner said never breaking her sweet smile.

Steven cracked up and said, "Man, I'd hate to mess with you, Megan."

"Good, then just don't ever cross me." She said as innocently as she could.

"Megan, would you like to see a movie and go to dinner this weekend?" Steven asked.

"Yeah, I would, that would be great. What day and time?" Conner said, eyes lighting up with happiness.

The phone rang and Conner picked it up, saying, "Ellison residence."

"Hey, Megan, how are you doing?" Blair asked sweetly.

"I'm doing fine, Sandy. How are you?"

"It's crazy here. The classes are a bitch and I'm exhausted, but still need to study. I just wanted to call and tell Jim why I won't be calling late tonight. I'm going to be studying."

"I'll get him for you, Sandy. I miss you. Bye." Conner walked over to Jim and handed the phone to Jim as Jim stood up with a smile on his face. Everyone watched him soften his composure as he said, "Hey, Chief, how ya doing?"

"Hey, Jim. I'm doing all right. I'm so tired, man. This class I'm taking is something else. I needed to tell you why I wouldn't be calling later tonight. I have to study, Babe. I'm sorry."

"That's okay, Blair. We'll have other nights to talk. Don't worry about it."

"I miss you so much already, Jim. Are you still coming up this weekend?"

"If no case comes up. Conner and I closed a major case tonight, so we're on top of that one. But hopefully I won't have to start on another."

"We'll both keep our fingers crossed, okay?"

"Yeah, babe, we will. I love you. I miss you so much."

"Jim, I miss you too. I have to go and get started. Think about me tonight and I'll call you tomorrow. Bye, Babe."

"Bye, Blair. Take care of yourself. Talk to you tomorrow."

When Jim lay the phone down, he had tears in his eyes and he went into the bathroom. Conner followed him in and he said, "excuse me, this is my house. I don't need you in the bathroom with me."

"Oh shut up and let me hug you, Jim." Megan nagged.

He went into her arms and let her hold him. He was trembling but didn't cry because he knew that he had to get stronger or he'd be a mess forever. Finally, after about 10 minutes, he pulled away from Megan, kissed her cheek and said, "thank you, Megan."

"You're welcome, but don't make me kick your ass next time. Come to me before things get this bad. I'm a decent hugger, don't you think?" she asked.

"Yeah, Conner, you're the best. Thanks." Jim said as he washed his face and walked out of the bathroom.

"Jimmy, is everything all right?" William asked.

"Everything's fine, Dad. Don't worry, I just miss him, that's all. I hate being alone at night."

"Would you like me to stay with you, Jimmy?"

"No, Dad, I'll be fine. Conner's sleeping over for awhile. She's a good friend and she'll take good care of me."

As Jim was saying this, Conner just beamed. She found it so nice to hear Jim saying things about her in that tone of voice. She decided right then and there that if those assholes bothered Jim at work tomorrow, she was kicking some ass. This made her smile and feel better about everything.

"Well, Jimmy, Sally and I need to go. We're not as young as we used to be." William said as he and Sally got up to leave.

"Thanks for coming by. It was great to see you both." Jim said and then he walked closer to William and hugged him and said, "Dad, I'm really glad you're dating Sally. I love her a lot." Then Jim hugged Sally and said, "I'm really glad you're dating, Dad. You're a sweet couple. You've known each other long enough to know what's good or bad about the other one. It makes me happy to see you both happy." Sally hugged him back and said, "thank you, sweetheart. You know how much I love you. Thanks for having us over, Jimmy."

As they left, Steven stopped long enough to hug his brother and say, "I'm taking Conner out, I hope that's not a problem with you."

"Only if you hurt her, Steven. If you do, I'll kick your ass." He smiled as Steven walked out the door.

As he turned around he saw the smile on Conner's face and said, "don't let it go to your head. I don't want him to hurt anyone he dates."

"Yeah, right, you old softie, you." Megan said as she hugged him and said, "I'm going to bed, Jim. I'm tired. I'll see you in the morning."

"Night, Megan, thanks again for the nice evening. You're the greatest." Jim went upstairs after he locked up the loft and made sure that Megan was comfortable and had everything she needed. He then stripped out of his clothing and slipped into bed. * God I miss him so bad, * Jim thought.

Conner awoke from a very sound and happy dream to Jim screaming his lungs out again. He was begging Blair to stop it. She ran as fast as she could upstairs and climbed into his bed and woke him up slowly.

"Don't leave me, Blair, don't leave me." Jim said sobbing. "Jim, it's me, Megan. I'm going to stay with you. You were dreaming. It'll be better in the morning."

Jim continued to remain in a state of panic for about an hour and finally fell asleep. Again, Conner didn't move, she slept right beside her friend. And her heart was breaking at this. She wasn't quite certain that this was a good thing, being separated from Blair. She'd have to talk to Simon about it tomorrow. Right now, she just fell back to sleep with Jim in her arms.

Who Am I Now? Part 16

While Jim was going through hell at the loft without him, Blair was in his own type of hell. He knew that things would eventually work out, but his family asked him over for a meeting. He was dreading it so much. Blair wanted to call Jim, but didn't want to bother him any more than he had to with little problems. * God I miss him, Blair thought.

Blair drove over to Ben's house and walked up to the front door and knocked. When Rachel let him in, she had an odd look on her face. She said, "Blair, whatever happens today, lets remember that we're family, all right?"

"Sure Rachel. Why wouldn't I?" Blair asked sweetly, knowing damn well that there must be something going on. He just didn't know what it was yet.

Ben walked into the living room and hugged Blair, as Sarah followed suit. They seemed like one big happy family on the outside, but Blair knew that the storm was about to hit. And for once he wanted to be somewhere else. He wanted off the damn roller coaster ride. * Shit, I should have asked Jim to come with me. Wait a minute, I'm an adult, and I don't have to be afraid of my own family. Yeah, right, keep telling yourself that, Sandburg. *

"Sit down, Blair," Ben said, motioning to the sofa next to Rachel. Blair sat down and just waited for the bomb to hit. Three, two, one...

"Blair," Ben said, "I've taken the liberty of drawing up papers for all of us with a lawyer, I knew you wouldn't mind. Most of the estate was left to only you and I figured that since you had found your family you would not care that we all shared it."

"Well, Ben, you were wrong." Blair said coldly.

"Blair you can't be serious." Rachel asked.

"Yes, I'm serious. I just gave you all a large check a short time ago and now you're telling me you want more. I didn't have to give any to you. But I felt it was only right. I've got plans for the money."

"What the fuck are you planning to do with the money, Blair?" Ben asked angrily.

"Well, if you really want to know, sit down and I'll fill you in on what I have planned on using the money for."

"Rachel and Sarah, come in here and listen." Ben said.

All three sat on the sofa across from Blair and watched in eager anticipation. Blair couldn't believe what money lovers they turned out to be. He was terribly disappointed. But thus is life.

"First of all, I've put a large amount into an account for Jim. He was hurt from this more than any of us could ever imagine. And I want to have plenty there for his therapy and his happiness."

"Surely you can't think that money will make Jim feel better about the rape?" Ben inquired.

"Of course not, do I look like an idiot? No, I want this to help him get through this. First of all, he'll be going to therapy with me. Then I set up a fund for Jim to become involved in a program at Cascade PD for rape victims. Especially men. He and I would both be on call day and night for this program. We'd hire someone to run it while we can't be there and they have to be paid more than what the city is willing to pay. This will be his nest egg for the time being."

"Blair, you can't be serious." Rachel whined.

"Blair, I can understand you wanting to use part of it for helping Jim through therapy, but he doesn't strike me as the counselor type. In fact he seems quite the opposite. I think it would make things worse for him." Sarah said trying to talk Blair out of his foolishness.

"See, I knew that none of you would understand, or think about Jim. He suffered like you have no idea at the hands of our father and our Uncle. Doesn't this make you want to help him at all?" Blair asked sadly, knowing damn well, they wouldn't come to the same assessment as he.

"You don't know Jim at all. So shut up about him. He's been through so much and he continues to be brave and strong. I only wish I was half as strong as he is. I wish we all were." Blair said proudly.

"Blair are you saying that you won't even look at these papers that I had drawn up for all of us?" Ben said incredulously.

"Yes, that's what I'm saying. I don't need to see it. I gave you each a check to put into your accounts to do with as you saw fit. I'm not giving you any more. I sent a check to The Rape Crisis Center and started this program with Captain Banks. Jim doesn't even know about it yet. But he'll be happy that I'm doing this with the money."

"I can't believe this," Rachel said, "Blair, they left us with very little money, why should you get most of it?"

"I don't know, but it's all legal. I had it all checked out before I gave the checks to you and set the other money's aside for Jim." Blair answered just as pissed off as she was. "Blair, you're losing sight of our problem here. We're not as well off as you are. And we're used to having a lot more money. We all expected to have that money when our parents and Grandparents died. You must know how terrible it is for us?" Rachel said.

"Of course, I see that you're used to life as you've always known it. Well, maybe it's time to try out life as someone like me for a change. I had to work my way through college, I had nothing as a young person other than a Mother who loved me unconditionally."

"See, you even got the better deal there." Cried Sarah with tears in her eyes. "We would have loved to have our Mom love us, but she never did. She only mourned and grieved for you."

"I'm really sorry about that, but you can't keep holding that against Jim and I. That was the way they were. Nothing we say or do will ever change that part." Blair said with fervor.

"It's easy for you to say, Blair, you've never had anything." Rachel said.

"And you'll never know what it's like to live the way we have." Sarah said.

"Well, is that all you wanted to discuss? Because if it is, I want to go back to my hotel." Blair said sadly.

"So that's it, Blair, no negotiations at all?" Ben asked.

Blair was so weary, he didn't notice it until that very moment. But they drained him. In fact, he wasn't that crazy about them at all. He only longed for one family member and that would be Jim. God, he yearned for that man.

No, there is no more discussions. In fact I'm not sure I want to even talk to you any longer. You know where I'm at if you need to reach me for an emergency. Blair got up and walked out the door. He walked like a man having a hard time lifting his legs. He had always wanted a family, but now it looked like they didn't really want him. They wanted his money. Figures.

When Blair arrived at his hotel room, he sat on the bed and took a notebook out, starting to write notes for his plans. He was determined to start that Rape Crisis program at the CPD. And he knew that once Jim got over the initial shock, he'd love the idea too. And if Jim didn't want to, that would be fine. Blair would get someone else into it with him. They really needed to have something like this at the CPD. Rape victims weren't treated properly. It's no damn wonder that most victims don't want to report it. Especially men. So, Blair was determined to really advertise the male rape victim part of the program. They could give seminars at the Police Academy and at the college. Hell they could even give them at the high school for all that mattered. Start teaching young men and women about the rape issues before they should ever have to deal with them.

Blair wanted to call Jim about all that he was thinking about, but felt it was something that had to wait for later. In person would be so much easier to deal with. He needed to see Jim's face when he told him about it. He needed to really 'see' how Jim felt. Blair had a good feeling about all of it. Things would work out.

The next thing Blair needed to do was write a letter to each of his siblings. He needed to explain to them, how he felt and why he did what he did. And then he'd be able to sleep easier.

Dear Ben, Sarah and Rachel,

I wanted to let you know how wonderful it was for a short time, believing that I could have a real family. I grew up always wondering who my father was, although I was best not knowing, I see that now. I always wanted to have brothers and sisters and never ever got them. Naomi was enough for me. She loved me for what I was. A small, geeky college kid at 16. She adored me, there was nothing I could do to disappoint her. So for this, I'm sorry that you all didn't get the same thing. But you see, you had money, you had both parents and you were still miserable. I might have only had one parent, and no money to speak of, but was very happy and content with my life.

I was so hoping that we'd get to become closer and act like a real family. How a real family acts is beyond me, since I know of no real families. The ones that I do know of, are very dysfunctional. I would still liked to see this happen. But I'm afraid that you'll not let it happen because of the money issue. I've decided to look out for Jim first. He is my life. And I don't want anymore said about this, please. Whenever you come to Cascade, I surely hope that we can all meet up for dinner. I truly wanted to have a family. I'm sorry it didn't work out.

Always know that I'm here if you need me.

Sincerely,

Your brother, Blair

As Blair laid the pen down, he wiped the tears from his face. He wanted to talk to Jim really badly, but knew that if he called right now, Jim would go nuts hearing the tears and upset in his voice. Instead, he went into the shower, and just sobbed into the warm water. He felt cleansed when he was done, getting in his sweats and crawled into bed. He knew he should call Jim, but didn't have the strength.

As Blair rolled in his sleep, he was dreaming of a family picnic. Everyone was smiling, Naomi was there, she was hugging all of her children. Blair sat back and watched his brother and sisters. The day was perfect. Then a rain storm started, and as Blair started grabbing things to take to the car, he saw Ben standing away from everyone. Then he saw Sarah and Rachel stand next to him. He looked around wildly for Naomi and found non one else. He was all alone. Then when he looked up to see his siblings again, they were gone. Like they had never been. Blair woke sobbing to the sound of the telephone ringing next to his ear. He tried to wake up a little more as he picked it up, saying, "Jim?"

"Blair, what's wrong, babe?"

"I had a bad dream and I'm just still coming down from it. Don't worry about me, tough guy. I'm fine."

But Jim knew better, he could hear the tears and trembling in Blair's voice. "Want to talk about it, Blair?"

"No, not right now. Some day perhaps, but not now."

"I miss you so much, partner. I can't begin to tell you how much."

"You could. Why don't you, that would get my mind off of everything else?"

"Chief, I don't' want to have phone sex, do you? I mean when we're done we'd be all alone. That would be like rubbing it in our faces that we're not together. What do you think?"

"I really want to hear you talk to me about what you'd like to do to me."

"Chief, I really don't think it would be a good idea."

"Jim, please? Please do this for me?"

"Chief, I'm opening up my shirt and touching my nipples one at a time, I wish that it was your hand. I lick my fingers so that they slide smoother over the nipples. My nipples are very hard. They like to be rubbed. My chest is so sensitive, you know all about that. I know why women like this done. I have to reach down and undo my pants because they are becoming much to tight."

"Jim, I'm lying here naked and rubbing myself as you talk. You can listen and hear the sound of my hand against my skin. I know this'll make you hot. Listen closely as I breath your name in and out."

"I can hear you against your skin as I slide my hand down into my boxers. I slip the boxers off and give myself some breathing room. You're breath is coming in short little gasps, whispering my name over and over again. I love that sound. I could almost come from hearing that alone. I've not got my cock in my hand and begin stroking hard. This is going to be fast, because I can hear that you're close. I want to come with you. I want this to be as if we were together."

"Knowing you're touching yourself for me, Jim, is getting me hotter than I ever imagined."

"You're starting to pick up the pace, I hear your breath becoming more and more frantic. I know I have to get close, right now. Holding the phone between my face and neck, I reach down and roll my balls in my other hand and am stroking very hard now. I'm getting very close, babe. I'm so close, babe. Please tell me you're close too, Blair."

"Jim, I'm coming, I'm coming." Jim heard as Blair screamed.

"I love you, Chief." Jim said as he followed suit and came so hard he thought he might break something.

"Wow, I'm in heaven, and I want to stay here." Blair said after he had time to recollect himself.

"I never want to ever leave your arms, Chief. I love you so much. I want you to know you can discuss anything you want with me, at any time."

"Jim, I know that. Don't worry about it. I'm doing fine. Especially after sex with you long distance. Thank you, Jim."

"No problem, Chief. Now do you think you could sleep? I'm going to go to sleep on you here, so I'm going to get off."

"Okay, I'll talk to you tomorrow. I love you, Jim. Be careful and sleep well."

"I love you back, Chief. Goodbye."

As Blair hung the phone up, sadness overtook him and he curled into a ball and started crying hard. In Cascade Jim knew that Blair was probably crying, but he'd let Blair come to him when he was ready. He couldn't make him do anything. Jim could be very patient when need be. And when it came to Blair, he'd wait forever.

The following morning, Blair mailed off the letters on his way to the FBI and knew that he had done all he could do. He was sad about it, but what else could he do to change it?

The following three weeks, flew by as Blair found himself busier and busier. Finally one night he got to the hotel and his family were waiting in the lobby. He smiled and said, "Is something wrong?"

"WE came to talk to you, Blair." Rachel said.

"We can't leave our family like this." Sarah added.

"Blair, I'm so sorry that I treated you so badly." Ben said.

"Wanna come upstairs and order some room service?" Blair asked smiling.

"That would be great." Rachel said smiling. "Blair, you'll forgive us just like that?" Sarah asked kindly.

"Hey, we're family. I'm so damn happy to see all of you. I really do like you." Blair said almost bouncing to the elevator.

Blair noticed that Benjamin still was a little quiet, but Blair wasn't going to bring it up. He was so glad to have them here. He didn't care about how Ben felt right this moment. Blair would take that up with Ben later on. *Man, wait until I tell Jim about this. Blair found himself thinking. But then he remembered that Jim didn't know about this, so he had to keep it to himself. *

Blair, Rachel and Sarah ate pizza into the night and talked almost non-stop. He and his sisters were alike in talking too much. "Sarah, Jim said he knew we were related as soon as he saw you all move your hands and talk nonstop." Blair said.

They all started laughing and finally Sarah said, "Well, I guess we should go."

"Well, we'll get together again, soon." Blair said as he walked them all to the elevator.

"Blair, I really am sorry for everything I've said and done." Ben finally said. Blair hugged him and said, "Hey, we're family, what's to forgive. We're stuck with each other."

"We'll make plans for this following weekend." Rachel said.

As they got on the elevator, Blair watched the doors close and felt great. But inside Ben said, "I'm not going to get over this as easily as you all have. I'm sorry, I just can't. That money should have been ours, not his."

"Ben, you're not going to ruin this for us, and I mean it." Rachel said.

"Well, fine, but I won't stop asking him for a bigger cut in the money." Ben complained.

"Ben, grow up, will you?" Sarah asked.

They went to their cars and drove off. Upstairs Blair was in a wonderful mood. He decided to call Jim and see what he was doing. He dialed the number and heard the sweetest sound in the world.

"Ellison." Smiling Blair said, "Hi babe."

"Hey, what are you calling for? I thought you had a class or something tonight."

"I was supposed to be studying, but something came up and I've just got to talk to you. I love you, Jim."

"You sound happy, Chief. I'm glad."

"Yeah, and I'm really tired, but I had to call and tell you that I loved you and I missed you."

"Glad you did, Chief. I look forward to hearing your voice every night. And the phone bill thanks us too."

Laughing Blair said, "Are we spending too much, babe?"

"Let them try and stop us, Blair."

"Well, I have to go and get some studying done. I just had to call. I miss you, Jim."

I miss you too, Blair. Talk to you tomorrow night. Goodnight, babe."

"Goodnight, Jim."

As he hung up he smiled to himself and wondered if Jim felt as good about them as he did? He couldn't wait to see Jim. * Was Jim ever going to make it up there for a visit? And if he didn't they'd have to have more phone sex. Smiling, he went into take a shower and take care of some business. He got hard these days from just talking to Jim. He'd have to ask Jim when he saw him if the same thing happened to him when he talked to Blair. *

Blair felt good about his life. He knew how well he was doing at the classes at the FBI. But he needed that family life too. He was getting it all. Most people only dreamed of things like this. These were the last thoughts on his mind as he fell asleep that night. He hadn't had a good nights sleep in a long while.

Who Am I Now? Part 17

As the weeks flew by, stretching into months, there was always some new case, always something that kept Blair and Jim from being together on the weekend. But they talked to each other nightly. No matter what, they made the time for each other. It was now three months since they had seen each other. Blair was having a countdown to d-day. Departure Day.

Blair filled Jim in on how wonderful it was to go to the classes and spend time with his family members. Jim would have been jealous at one time, but not now. He adored Blair and knew that he got it back in return.

In all of the talks he had with Blair he never mentioned that he was seeing Dr. Murphy again. He didn't tell him of his nightmares or that they were better, much better, through her help. He also didn't tell him that Conner was still staying with him at their loft. Actually, he only told him good and happy things. He didn't want to upset Blair in any way.

Blair would be home in one more week and Jim was also having a count down. He had told Conner that he needed her to move back to her own place. She was going to do that tonight. Jim really felt like his world was righting itself. Work was going really well. He hadn't heard any terrible rumors or gossip, so that was a step in the right direction.

Jim had an appointment with Dr. Murphy first thing that morning, so Conner went in to catch up on paperwork and start a new case without him. When Conner got to the bullpen she went to the break room to get a cup of coffee and there were the assholes from Vice standing there. "Where's your partner in crime, Conner?" Meyer asked.

"Get out of my way, you ass." Megan said angrily as she shoved him aside to get her coffee.

"We hear his fuck buddy is coming back in a week. Just think, you won't be able to have him around anymore. Will you? Now he'll have to take it up the ass again. He was born to be a fag." Meyer no sooner finished saying this when Conner did a Karate move and got him in the chest with her foot. Then when Meyer was trying to catch his breath, she kicked him in the balls so hard that he wouldn't get it up for a good long time. She was sure of that. The other guys grabbed her and were holding on to her, squeezing hard and punching her when Simon walked through the door.

"In my office, now. All of you." Simon demanded loudly.

They all walked into his office trying to act cool, well, all except for Meyer who had to be half carried in. Once there he sat down, while the others stood.

Simon walked into the office and said, "Okay, Conner I witnessed you being accosted by these so called police officers. I'll start the paperwork, and you can sign it. I just want you men to know that you won't get off easily on this one. I saw the way you were holding her and I see that she kicked Officer Meyer in the balls, so I can only guess what he wanted to do."

"Hang on a minute," Williams said, "Meyers wasn't accosting Conner at all. She accosted him."

"Is this true, Meyers? Should I start the paperwork for that?" Simon asked.

"We were talking to her about her asshole partner and she went off on me." Meyers said.

"Well, Conner is a good officer who has never struck a fellow officer, so I take it you said something terrible?" Simon asked.

"It was personal, sir." Meyer said.

"Well, how personal could it be if you said it to her. If it's about Ellison and you said it to her, it's no longer personal. Then it's common knowledge. Want to fill me in, or I'm going to start the paperwork on you men for accosting Conner." Simon said angrily.

"Fine, draw up the fucking papers. We don't care. You're still going to have the fags here, and we'll be in another department." Meyer said.

Simon leaned over and picked up a tape recorder and said, "not if I can help it. I want the papers here filled out and on my desk by the end of the day. You tarnish all good officers names. Now get out of my office and you will be charged with attacking another officer."

The men stormed out of his office as well as they could, considering they had to still half carry Meyer. Conner did some damage that was for sure. Simon smiled to himself before he turned to Conner and said, "now, do you want to fill me in on this?"

"No, Sir. It was something that Jim wouldn't want to be repeated." Megan said with her head hanging down.

"Conner, you're not in trouble, I'm glad you got those asses. They've been begging for it for a long time, but now I want to keep an eye out so they don't take it out on Ellison. Although, they'll probably only get a slap on the wrist, but still, they might think about it next time."

"Sir, you can't tape something without telling them about it. Why did you do that?"

"Conner, I never said I taped anything. In fact, I didn't tape anything, I just picked up a tape recorder when I said it. One had nothing to do with the other." Simon said as he tried not to laugh.

"Sir, you're evil. Remind me not to cross you." Conner said smiling as she walked out of his office.

She hoped that none of this would get back to Jim.

Jim came walking into the office about an hour later in a fabulous mood, Conner noticed right off. "Hi, Partner. How're things going this morning?" Jim asked cheerfully.

"Okay, where's the real Jim Ellison, and how do we keep this new one?" Conner asked laughing.

"Very funny, Conner. Have I been that bad?" Jim asked seriously.

"No, you've been a great partner. When Sandy comes back next week, I'm going to be lost. I'll miss working with you."

"Thanks, Conner, that's really nice of you to say."

"Wanna go and check out this string of robberies, Jim? They can't find one thing that ties them together. I'm hoping that you'll find something no one else did."

"Geeze, Conner you make me sound like I'm your bloodhound or something."

"Ellison, I never would think that about you. You're more like a really smart German Shepherd." Laughing, she started walking over to Simon's office to tell him they'd be leaving.

She knocked on the door, poked her head in and said, "Sir? Jim and I are going to go investigate that string of robberies. We'll be back in a couple of hours."

"Good luck, Conner. I hope you two find something."

"Ready, Partner?" Conner said as she started walking towards the elevator.

Rafe walked up to her and said, "Way to go Conner, good job." and he laughed as he walked away.

Jim looked at Conner and said, "what the hell was he talking about?"

"I don't have a clue. Who knows with Rafe?"

As they got on the elevator, Jim stopped the car and said, "Okay, what happened today? And why aren't you telling me about it?"

"Jim, it was nothing, I had a run in with our friends from Vice."

"Did they hurt you?" Jim inquired.

"Well, I have a few bruises from the brutes, but I'll be fine. Don't worry about it. I gave worse than I got, believe me."

Jim pushed the button for vice and Megan said, "Jim, what are you doing?"

"I'm going to have a meeting with these guys. I don't want this happening to you again."

"Jim, please, let it go, okay? Simon witnessed them manhandling me and brought charges against them. So, let's go do our jobs."

"Conner, I'm a man. I can take care of myself. Thank you very much."

"I never doubted that you're a man, but you're doubting that I'm able to take care of myself."

"I know you can take care of yourself, Conner, but they shouldn't be bugging you. They need to take it up with me."

As they got off the elevator, Jim stormed up to Meyer and said, "Wanna go somewhere private or do you want to discuss it right here? Because we are going to discuss it, and I'm going to be good and loud."

"Meyer got this look of fear on his face when he saw Conner. Jim didn't miss it either and that pissed him off more. Jim yelled, "don't worry about her, Meyer, you worry about me, you asshole."

Meyer's boss, Captain Murray, came out and said, "Detective Ellison, is there a problem other than the one that we already handled. Meyer's getting his things, he's off without pay for two weeks."

"Yes, Sir, there is." Jim said stubbornly.

"Come in my office and tell me what's going on." Captain Murray said.

Jim and Conner walked into his office and sat down. As soon as he closed his door he turned to Jim and said, "okay, want to fill me in on what's going on?"

"Sir, first of all, did you see the bruises on Conner's arms and hands?"

"Conner, I wasn't aware that you were hurt. I understood that Captain Banks stopped them in time."

"Well, Sir, he didn't get there in time to keep them from smacking me around a bit." Conner said glaring at this man. For some reason she hated him and didn't know why.

"Maybe we need to take some pictures of these said bruises so we have it on record." Murray said.

Conner stood up and said, "you have a camera?"

"Yes, I have one here." Murray said quickly.

"Fine, then we'll take extra's so I have copies too." Megan said as she stood up and pulled her shirt off and exposed the bruises to both men. She had a tee shirt on under her blouse, so she knew she'd have to take that off too. Jim just stood there forgetting why he was even in there, he couldn't believe how badly they must have punched her to make those types of bruises.

"I'll take the pictures, Sir." Jim said. He stood up and walked over to the blinds and closed them so not everyone would be able to see in. He then grabbed the camera and started taking the pictures. He took shots from many different angles and had Captain Murray fill out the form stating it was done in his presence. Having finished that, Jim said, "Conner, get your shirts back on. We'll leave in a minute."

"Conner could see he was upset and trying to get him back on track, she said, "Jim, did you want to talk to Captain Murray alone?"

"No, I think we're done here, Conner. I think he sees what kind of men he has working for him." Jim said coldly looking right at Murray.

As they walked out, Jim gave Conner the copies of the photo's to take upstairs. When they got in the elevator he stopped the lift again and said, "Conner, thank you for defending my honor, but the next time you do something like that, I'm going to kick your ass, understood?"

"Understood. Jim, you're my partner. Just like you're defending me now. Should I feel like I should kick your ass?"

"I get it, Conner. Thank you. But it's over with. No more. Let me take care of Vice, do you understand?"

"I got it. Now let's give these to Simon and get back to work."

"Sounds good to me." Jim punched the button for Major Crime and they were back on the 7th floor again. Simon looked up when he saw them come through the door. Jim stood back while Conner took the pictures into his office and showed him. Jim heard Simon yelling at her for not telling him right up front. He was angry, but also worried. Conner promised to not let it happen again. When she came walking out of his office she had a big smile on her face.

"Why are you smiling? He didn't sound that happy?" Jim asked.

"Because he is such a softie and tries to be the big tough guy." Conner said as they walked back to the lift.

They went back to work and found a few things at the scenes of three of the robberies and between the two of them, they figured out some things. Once they got back to their desks, they started making some charts up. They now had times, dates, and people that had something in common with the other robberies. It was going to be a long case, but at least they had something. Jim realized how well he worked with Conner. He asked her to go to lunch and she said, "Sure, Partner."

When they got to Wonderburger, her choice, he said, "I wanted to tell you a couple of things."

"And they would be what?" She asked smiling.

"First, thank you for staying with me this whole time. I was a mess; I know that. You've been more than just a good friend. You're one of my best friends. Secondly, thank you for defending my honor, even though I'm capable of doing it myself. It was nice to know that you care that much. So this shows me that I'm a good friend to you too. And lastly, thank you for being such a great partner while Blair's been gone. I just needed to tell you how much you mean to me."

"Jim, I do believe that's the most I've ever heard you say in the whole time I've known you. You are very welcome. You're one of my true best friends. I'm lucky I have you in my life and was glad to fill in for Sandy while he was gone."

They ate lunch and just talked more about the case. They didn't want to get too mushy. It wasn't good for either of them.

A few days later Simon asked Jim to come in his office. Going in, Jim said, "Sir?"

"Sit down Jim, I want to talk to you some more about the lectures we discussed last month."

"Sir, I'm thinking about it. In fact, since the incident with Conner and the men in Vice; I've been thinking more and more about it. I think if they would have been taught while at the academy they might have treated me differently. So I've been discussing it with Dr. Murphy. She thinks I'm almost ready to take it on."

"That's great news, Jim. Good, I'm so happy for you. Well, keep me updated and we can set it up."

"I will, sir." Jim said as he walked out of the office.

Rafe and Brown walked up to him and said, "hey, Ellison. Those charts you and Conner printed up for all of us were great. We're on to something. In fact, we're on our way now to question a suspect. Thanks."

"Good, we were hoping that something would show up from it sooner or later. Good luck, guys."

Jim left early so he could go and see Dr. Murphy. He needed to discuss more things since Blair was coming home in three days. When he got to her office he sat down until they called his name. Walking in, he was a little anxious and wondered when that stopped.

"Hi, Jim. How are you doing today?"

"I'm doing great, Rena, how're you?"

"Oh goody, small talk. Let me ask this, have you given any more thought to being on the bottom for Blair?"

"Geeze, Rena, why not get the hard question out there first thing."

"Jim, we haven't got time to waste. You need to decide what you want from you and Blair's relationship and we can't do that if you don't tell me how you feel. Or tell yourself."

"Well, the screams have stopped. Now, I have to take care of myself when I wake up from the dreams of Blair fucking me. So, it's much nicer than waking in a screaming fit with Conner holding me."

"Jim, you have to remember that there's no rush for Blair. He's never wanted to rush anything so you could take your time for a while longer if you wanted to."

"I know, but I want to. I want him bad, Rena. I've missed that so much. I've never told you this, but I love when he does that to me. I've never told him either and I think that's why it bothered me so much for such a long time. I was afraid that I'd never be able to feel that way again."

"Jim, you're doing great. I just want to tell you that. How about the lectures at the high school, college and the police academy? Any more thought on that?"

"Yeah, I talked to Simon about it today and told him I'd talk to him about it soon."

"Good, I think it will be good for you, Jim. I'm not kidding. More people need to see that someone as strong and big as you, could be hurt, but they also need to see how you've recovered from it. And also how to treat others that have had the same thing happen to them."

"I'm also going to volunteer at the station to be on call if they have a call with a rape victim. I think I could help."

"Jim, I'm so proud of how far you've come. You have got to be one of the strongest men I know and I'm damn proud to call you my patient."

"Thanks, Rena. I think I'm okay. So I was thinking unless something comes up, this might be my last time seeing you. What do you think?"

"I think that you've been ready for about a month, but I was waiting for you to say it. I'll miss our talks Jim, but you know you can call me at any time, right?"

"Yeah, I do. Thanks, Rena. Well, I guess I better get. I have a hundred things to do before Blair gets home."

"Tell him I said hello and have fun for me." Rena said laughing.

Smiling, Jim got up and walked out of her office. He felt like another person. Thank god for that.

As he was driving to the loft his cell went off and he answered, "Ellison."

"This is the other Ellison." Steven said.

Laughing, Jim said, "so what's new Steven?"

"I asked Conner to go with me to San Francisco, but she said that she can't. You'll be off. How long are you taking off?"

"Steven, when do you want to go?"

"In two weeks. I know you wanted some time off with Blair but I really want her to go with me, if you catch my drift?"

"I don't want to hear this, Steven." Jim said laughing. "Plan it, I'll cover for her. Don't worry. Just ask her to okay it with Simon first."

"Thanks, Jim. She'll be so happy. She really wanted to go. I told her to ask you, but she wouldn't. Don't tell her I told you."

"Steven, how do you suppose she'll think I found out, you nut?"

"Oh, yeah. Well, it seemed like a good plan at the time. I hope it doesn't backfire."

"Steven, don't worry about it. I'll have lots of time with Blair. Now call her and tell her to okay it with Simon."

"Thanks, Jim. Goodbye."

"Bye, Steven. Talk to you soon."

Jim had to grocery shop and then planned on cooking ahead so he didn't have to do a lot when they were first home together. He had big plans. When he got home as he was putting everything away, he called the hotel to talk to Blair and the hotel gave him a message that said he was at his sister's house. So Jim tried Rachel's house first. When she answered the phone, she said, "hello."

"Rachel?" Jim asked.

"Hi, Jim. How are you?"

"I'm fine, how are you doing? Have you seen that man of mine today?"

"He's here. You called the right house. We're going to miss him so much, Jim. You can't imagine how nice it's been having him here."

"Yes, I can." Jim said sadly.

"Jim, we were wondering if we could all come to your place for Thanksgiving. We'd stay at a hotel, but we want it to be a real family celebration this year."

"That sounds good to me, Rachel. I want Blair to be happy, but I also like all of you too. So, you're basically my family too. Maybe I should have my family too and we can all get to know each other better."

"Blair was telling us that your brother is dating, Megan. That is so cool."

Jim smiled and said, "Could I talk to Blair please?"

"What you don't want to talk all night with me?" Rachel said laughing as she handed the phone over to Blair.

"Hi, Babe." Blair said.

"Hi, I just needed to hear your voice. God, I miss you, so much. I have a question to ask you, Blair. But first tell me about your classes, are they done?"

"Yes, the classes are over and done with. I'm glad, but man did I learn some great stuff. Wait till I bend your ear with some of this."

"I'm glad to hear that things are going well. So you passed all of the classes and everything?"

"Jim, I not only passed but in two of the classes, I came in at 100%, something they've never had anyone do. So, they were quite happy with me."

"I'm not surprised, Blair. I knew you could do it. I'm so proud of you."

"So, Jim, ask those questions now. I'm not doing anything besides visiting with my family."

"First, do you want to have everyone for Thanksgiving, Blair? Both families, at our place?"

"Wow, that would be great, Jim. I'd love that. Thanks. I'll tell Ben, Rachel and Sarah tonight and see if they can make it. We've come to understand Naomi a lot more. She's not changed, we have. I'm glad that we all have each other to lean on. We all know that we don't have to have Mom to get by."

"Good, next up is you know how I told you I had two weeks off when you get home? Well, would it be okay if it's only 10 days?"

"What's going on, Jim?"

"Conner has a chance to go to San Francisco with Steven and they want to really bad, but she can't because we're both going to be off. So, Steven asked me to come in a few days early."

"Sure, that's fine, Jim. You'll still be mine in the evenings, right? And why hasn't she called and told me more about her and Steven?"

"Right, always yours, Chief, and I don't know why she hasn't called you. You'll have to ask her when you get home."

"Okay, what else?"

"Well, are you on a walk-a-bout phone?"

"What the hell is that? God, you're weird."

"Thanks, Chief. You know, cordless. I want to know if you can walk in the bathroom really fast. I need you to look at something."

"Jim, I can't do anything kinky here. I'm visiting with my family."

"Chief, please just go in there and do me a favor."

"Fine, I'm walking in there now and everyone is looking at me like I'm insane."

"They'll get over it. Now stand in front of the mirror and answer something for me."

"Shoot, tough guy."

"You asked some time back, who am I now? Well, I want you to look in the mirror and tell me who you are now."

"Jim, we'll talk about this when I get home."

"No, we'll talk about it now. Who are you now, Blair?"

"Fine Jim, I'm Blair Sandburg."

"You can do better than that, Chief."

"I'm Blair Sandburg, Naomi's son, Ben, Rachel and Sarah's brother."

"And?"

"I'm a police officer with one of the best partners on the force."

"And?"

"I'm best friend, lover and partner to you."

"And?"

"I'm a friend to everyone in the bullpen?"

"All right, now I want you to really look hard, who's staring at you in that mirror, Chief?"

"I see just a man, Jim. No more or less. Just a man."

"Could you elaborate on that?"

"I'm a man in love. I'm a man with family. I'm a man with friends. I'm a man who loves his work. I'm a man who loves life. I'm a man who misses his mate more than life itself."

And can you live with all of these men, Chief? Because I know that I can. I love who you are. You are the best friend I could ever hope to have. You've been my life saver more than once. We could list about 30 other things in that list, but this will do to start. Can you live knowing that this is who you are?"

"Yeah, Jim I think I can. God, I love you, man."

"I love you, Chief. Like you'll never know. I could never describe it well enough."

"But I have a really good imagination, Jim. Okay, I know who I am...now. Do you know who you are?"

"Yeah, Chief, I do. I'm a man. A man that needs to have his lover show him how much he loves him when he gets home."

"Does that mean what I think it means?"

"Yeah, that's what it means. I've been going to therapy since you've been gone and I'm doing really well, Blair. I'm ready."

"Hot damn, Jim, and you have to tell me this now, why?"

"Because I want you to be as uncomfortable as I am daily. Now you'll know how the last three weeks have been for me. This is all I think about."

"For only three weeks?" Blair asked laughing.

"Well, before that, I was having problems thinking about you in that way. But believe me, I have no problems thinking of you that way now. I can't wait for you to get home."

"I love the sound of that word. Home. Such a great word to a person that misses you more than life itself."

"Well, it's not been a home since you left. So, when you get here we'll be back to Jim and Blair, lovers, friends, roomies, partners and just men."

"Okay, I have to go. They're calling me for dinner. I love you Jim."

"I love you too, Blair."

"Bye, Jim and I'll talk to you tomorrow."

"Bye, babe."

Hanging up the phone, Blair felt better about his life then he had in all the months he'd been here. He felt like he was getting back to normal. He did know who he was. He wouldn't be asking who am I ever again.

He was lucky. That's what he had seen in the mirror. He was lucky and loved. Not just a man, but a lucky man. He had to make notes of this so he could tell Jim when he got home. He found himself being happier and happier. His family met him as he came out of the bathroom and he said, "I know who I am and I'm okay with it. I'm going to be fine." They all hugged knowing that Blair was getting better too, not just Jim.

They went to have dinner and they discussed the holidays. Blair filled them in on how he viewed himself. They were happy to hear that Jim had talked to Blair about that. They had all seen it all along too.

When Blair went to bed that night, he didn't ask any questions of himself. He knew the answers, so they weren't hounding him any longer. His life would never be the same again, and he was happy.

Who Am I Now? Part 18

Epilogue

Jim was running around the loft like a crazy person trying to find his keys. Simon stood there and watched him and said, "Jim, I'll drive. Calm down. Now try to remember where your keys are so you have a key to the loft when you get back."

"Simon, I don't fucking know where it is. If I did, I'd be on my way to the airport."

Simon could feel the frustration flowing from his detective and wanted to help him, but also knew that Jim had to calm things down for himself. So he just leaned against the door until Jim found his keys. Once Jim found them, they walked downstairs and got into Simon's car.

"Tell me again, Simon, why you're driving me to the airport."

"Because I'd like Sandburg to make it back alive. I kind of like the kid too." Simon said laughing as he drove off. Jim glared at him, but Simon knew that Jim didn't mean it. With Jim, most things were a front. He was really a softie inside. When it came to Sandburg, almost everyone became a softie. The man could turn all of Major Crime into mush. Simon found himself smiling just thinking about the man finally coming back to put Jim back in his place.

Arriving at the airport, they still had about 15 minutes before the plan landed so Jim paced, Simon let him. It was easier to do then to try and talk the stubborn man into sitting down when he wasn't in the mood. Jim watched out the window and tensed up and Simon figured he was seeing Blair's plane landing. He knew that Jim was more nervous than he was letting on. Simon only hoped that Jim would talk it out with Blair. As a friend, there's only so much you can do. Then you have to step aside and let your friends take care of things from then on.

Once the plane landed, and pulled into the gate, Jim was practically bouncing waiting for Blair to get off. Jim watched as everyone started getting off the plane and he said to Simon, "I don't hear his heartbeat. Simon, I don't think he's on there."

"Jim, are you sure. Maybe you can't hear it here with all of the other sounds. Jim stormed up to the person at the desk and asked if Blair Sandburg was on this flight, showing his ID, as he did. The woman said, "This is a police matter?" And Jim said, "Of course it is, he's one of our detectives and we were sent to pick him up. We need to find him."

"Well, in that case, yes, he's on the plane. I'll go and see if there's a problem. And as she headed toward the opening, Blair walked through. Seeing Jim, Blair broke into a full run and Jim caught him in his arms as he plowed full body into him. "God, I missed you, Jim. I love you so much babe."

"I love you, Blair, and you're never leaving again." Jim said very seriously and Blair had a feeling that right now, he meant it exactly the way he said it.

The kissing that followed was surprising because they were in the middle of the airport and people were watching them, but Blair noticed that Jim didn't seem to mind. He was kissing Blair like he'd never kissed him before. Simon walked up to the men and said, "All right you two. Let's get Sandburg's bags and you can take this up at home."

Blair looked over at Simon and said, "Simon why did you come today?"

"Thanks a lot, Sandburg. As a matter of fact, I wanted you to get to work alive, so I offered to drive since your partner has been a wreck for the last week."

"Man, that is like so nice. Simon, I didn't know you cared."

"Well, let's get out of here. Pick up your luggage and get you home."

On the way out to the car, Jim kept pulling Blair close to him, they were walking so close together that they were practically one. "God, I missed you so much, Blair."

"I know, babe. We'll talk when we get home."

Simon wanted to drop these men off as quickly as he could and get out of there because he really didn't want to be there any longer than he had to. Jim and Blair sat in the back seat and made out in the car like teens. Simon started laughing at one point when Jim seemed to be giving Blair a hickey on his neck.

"What?" Jim asked Simon.

"Cool it, Jim. Wait till you get him home, all right?" Simon asked as calmly as he could.

Jim was embarrassed when he realized how out of control he was. But it was soon pushed aside as they drove up in front of the loft and Jim practically flew out of the door with Blair close behind him. They grabbed Blair's luggage and Jim leaned into the car and said, "Thanks Simon. You're the best."

"Your welcome Jim. Have a good reunion. Call me tomorrow and let me know how he's doing." Smiling, Simon drove off and Blair and Jim just about ran up the stairs. Once inside the loft, with the door closed and locked, Jim took Blair into his arms and started kissing him again. Blair pulled away and said, "Slow down, Jim, I have something to give you." Blair walked over to his suitcase and got a card out and handed it to Jim. He took Jim by the hand and said, "I want you to read it upstairs before we go to bed."

Jim followed Blair up the stairs shaking with fear, wonder and lust. All good things, Jim decided.

Jim opened the card as Blair was starting to get undressed. He opened the card and saw a lovely landscape picture from one of his favorite artists on the front of it. The inside was blank for Blair to write in. And write in he did. Blair smiled and said, "Read it out loud, Jim."

A Lucky Man
By Blair Sandburg

A lonely man was once unlucky.
That man no longer can be found.
The same man discovered his worth.
He stumbled on his fate.
Uncovered his new life.
Hit upon a new reason for being.
He's achieving his goal in life.
He now knew who he was and what he needed. He was indeed a lucky man.
A happy man, who is loved and needed.
A man, who feels blessed, protected and privileged. A man in love and wants to show that person how much he loves him back. Looking in the mirror, he sees a happy, healthy and very lucky man. Yes, Blair Sandburg is a very lucky man.

Jim had tears in his eyes as he read this and took Blair in his arms and said, "God, babe, I love you so much, you can't imagine how much."

"Well, I know how much I love you, so I figure it's about the same." Smiling, he pulled Jim down to the bed and started undressing him. As he took off each part, he would kiss, lick and bite softly every part of Jim's skin that was showing. Jim was moaning loudly as Blair got closer and closer to Jim's cock. Once Blair got Jim's pants and boxers off, he started licking his cock. Each time, he would lick around the head of Jim's cock and slide his tongue into the slit over and over again. Jim was about going nuts with want. "Blair, I'm not going to last long this way. I've needed you too badly. Let's slow down."

Instead, Blair sucked Jim's cock into his mouth and started sucking hard, chewing at the same time and spreading Jim's legs as wide as he could. Blair had the lube ready. Blair was a wreck about putting anything into Jim's ass. But he knew he had to at least try. Jim seemed to be handling it better than Blair was. Blair slid one finger into Jim's hole and Jim groaned, not from pain, but from the sensation. Blair was encouraged by this. As he continued getting Jim ready, Jim asked, "Blair, please slow down. I want to come with you. Please, babe."

Blair let Jim's cock slide out of his mouth and Blair moved up to Jim's lips and started kissing him. Jim hadn't kissed him in so long that he thought he would come just from that. Blair continued to get Jim ready. "Babe, I'm ready, fuck me, okay?" Jim asked.

As Blair slid on a condom, he pushed his cock into the opening of Jim's body and Jim moaned with pain. Blair slowed down, and didn't push, even though he had an urge to push all the way in and pound him into the mattress. "Babe, move in some." Jim said, urging Blair on.

As he put more and more of his cock into Jim, he was starting to feel like he'd come home. My god, Jim felt good. Suddenly Jim started moving his ass so that Blair's cock was going in and out of him. Blair got the point and started moving faster and faster. He grabbed Jim's cock to stroke, but Jim said, "No, I want to come with you just like this, Blair. Now fuck me hard, babe. Really hard, I want to feel you tomorrow all day long."

Blair lost all control. It had been so fucking long since he'd seen Jim. Had the feel of his cock inside Jim's warm channel and this was almost too much for him. He angled right until he was hitting Jim's prostate each and every time he went inside again. Jim started howling and finally screamed, "Blair," and came. Blair came after four more pounding moves inside of Jim. AS he came back to himself he kissed Jim and felt Jim shaking. He held on to Jim for dear life.

"I'm all right, Babe. I just feel good, that's all. And I'm just a little emotional."

"With good reason, Jim. God, I love you and you have no idea how badly I wanted to fuck you. This was perfect. Did I make you feel like I used to?"

"Better than okay, Blair. I loved it. You're the best fucker I could have hoped for. Thank you for the poem. I adore you. Can we rest and do this again. I'd like to fuck you this time."

"Sounds good to me, Jim. Sleep, we'll have fun when we both wake up."

The following morning, Jim woke up sore in places he had forgotten you could be sore in. Blair ended up fucking him three times and he fucked Blair three times too. It was a very hectic night. He realized that the love of his life wasn't in bed with him and he got out to go and see where he was. As he entered the kitchen, he saw Blair sitting at the table working on something on his laptop. "Good morning Chief."

Blair jumped and said, "Geeze, warn a guy why don't ya?"

"Sorry. I figured you heard me." Jim said trying to look over Blair's shoulder. "What ya doing?"

"I have some new idea's and wanted to get them written down so I could discuss them with you and see what you thought. I've got some big plans, but it all depends on you."

"Okay, fill me in, Chief. What's going on?"

"Well, I want to start a rape crisis center at the precinct. It will be funded by us and by the city. But you and I will be on the job for it. Whenever we're able to. I think that both of us have learned some things that we should share with others in the same situation. What do you think?"

"Chief, it's a great idea, but I don't know if I could talk to anyone about this besides you. Know what I mean?"

"Will you promise to think about it, Jim?"

"Yeah, I will. How about I make you some breakfast for right now. You work on this paperwork and show me the finished product and I'll decide after I see what you want from me."

"Sounds perfect." The morning flew by, Blair working on the paperwork and Jim trying to keep his hands off of Blair while he did that paperwork. Finally Blair gave up and went to bed and let Jim have his way with him. The afternoon flew by into the evening and they went to bed early and went to sleep. They were both exhausted.

The phone rang at two a.m. Jim picked up the phone, saying, "Ellison."

"Jim," Conner asked, "I'm at the hospital with a rape victim and he's in bad shape. The doctor doesn't think he'll be able to reach him at all. He won't let anyone touch him. I thought you might be able to talk to him. What do you think?"

Getting out of bed, Jim walked down the stairs so Blair couldn't hear him. "Conner, I'm not ready for that yet. You know it."

"Jim, he hasn't anyone else to talk to. He think's he's the only one that has had this happen to him."

"Conner, I don't think I can do it."

"Jim, you can do it, I'll go with you." Blair whispered beside him. Jim hadn't even heard him walk up to him. "Conner, I'll be there in about 20 minutes. Talk to you then."

"Chief, I don't know if I can do this."

"Well, you'll find out, then, won't you?"

"But he needs more than someone trying to see if he can do it or not, don't you think?"

"Sounds like you're all he has, so lets get going."

Leaning down to Blair's lips, he kissed him so softly that Blair shivered a little. "God, what you do to me, Jim."

"I'm glad I do that to you, Chief."

They went to the hospital and Jim walked into the room and the man said, "Get the hell out of here, cop. I don't need anyone talking to me."

"Mr. Burnett, I'm Detective Jim Ellison, from Major Crime. I'm not here on business. I'm here for a personal reason. I was raped some time ago and I 'm here to talk about it. I wanted to talk to you and ask you if you wanted to talk to someone that it happened to."

"Jesus, will it ever get better?"

"Yeah, it does. Tonight was the first night of loving all the way like we used to. But it took me many months to get there. It's hard work, but it's worth it. Are you married?"

"Yeah, I'm married. My wife is pregnant with twins."

"Mr. Burnett, that's fantastic."

"Call me Bob, Detective Ellison."

"Then you call me Jim. Don't let anyone fool you. This is going to be one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do. You'll feel like you can't do it many times, but I'll give you my number and you can call anytime and I'll give you my therapist's number. She's great."

Jim could hear the small hitches in the man's breathing, and knew that Bob wanted to cry but was probably even afraid of that. Jim walked closer and said, "Bob, do you want me to hold you? It's safe with me."

Bob shook his head, in the affirmative and Jim pulled him into his arms and let him have a good cry. Two hours later, Jim came walking out of the room and said, "Simon, he's ready to give you the description of the perp and he's a little calmer now."

"Thank you, Jim. We knew that you'd be able to talk to him."

"Well, I'm glad you all have so much faith in me. But I wasn't sure. I was scared out of my fucking mind."

As he and Blair walked to the truck, he said, "Chief, I think the Rape Crisis Unit would be a good idea after all. And I think I might be able to do it."

"All right. I knew you could. I knew you would. You're a great man, Jim Ellison, and don't ever let anyone tell you different." Blair moved over and kissed Jim soundly.

In the next few weeks, Jim worked with Bob and Rena. Bob was getting stronger each and every day. In his spare time, Blair was finding out about getting an office at the precinct and how much funding they could get. He got the office and the equipment, thanks to William Ellison. He decided to help all he could. Then Blair hired two women to run the center. Jim and Blair would be on call whenever they weren't on duty. It was going to be a hard job, keeping this all running, but Jim would be great at it. And Blair felt as if he could help the survivor's mates, wife's and husbands.

They were busy every single day, but one day Megan asked them to go to lunch with her. She seemed pretty serious, so they decided they'd better go and find out what was going on.

When they got the the Chinese place for lunch, as they sat down, Jim said, "All right, tell me what's up?"

"Well, I wanted to tell you two first about what's happening. Steven has asked me to marry him."

Jim and Blair both got up and hugged her congratulating her and asking for details.

"Well we've decided on two months from now. Small wedding. Just friends and family."

"I'm happy to have you join my family. I'm so happy that Steven found someone wonderful to be with."

Megan hugged Jim hard and said, "Thank you, Jim. You have no idea how much that means to me."

Jim sat back and smiled as Blair and Megan discussed the wedding and Jim realized how happy he was. Things had been so awful and he'd been sure that he'd never be whole again, but he was wrong. He was. Blair had grown from this too. He could feel the new inner strength surrounding Blair. Gone was the man questioning who he was and in his place was a more confident man, who knew exactly what he wanted and needed.

Jim, Blair and Conner started making the Thanksgiving plans the following week. Time was going by entirely too fast. With Conner's help, Blair made the list up and went shopping for all of the food.

"Sandy, are you anxious for your family to get here next week?"

"A little nervous. I always wonder if they'll drive Jim nuts."

"Sandy, he would do anything for you, I think I wouldn't worry about that any longer."

"Well, it's going to be great, Conner. Thanks so much for all of the help. It's nice to have you in the family."

"Sandy, you are too sweet. I love being in the family."

Blair called his family to be sure that they were still coming and found out when they'd be there. Blair found himself looking forward to seeing them. Yes, this Thanksgiving would be a nice one indeed. He'd like it if their mother would show up, but knew that he didn't need to rely on her at all. They could do it alone. They were his family. And Blair was happy in this role.

Life was good.

The end.

End Who Am I Now? by Patt: PattRose1@aol.com

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