Archive of Our Own ^beta

DISCLAIMER: Pet Fly Productions and UPN own everything, I'm just playing with their toys. No copyright infringement intended.

WARNING: NC-17 for m/m sex between consenting adults. This also comes with a Sap warning...I was in a strange mood today.

Note: Just a little thought I got while listening to Dr. Hook's song "Sad Eyes" today, while driving around looking at carpet samples. I like these "let's throw 'em into the future and see what happens" stories...expect them from me from time to time. (g) Feel free to share this with anyone who wants to read it. Comments are warmly welcomed and much appreciated.

Oh, yeah...the title is kind of strange... It's as in "History always repeats itself", which is kind of the intent of this story.

History

by Kim Gasper
Copyright April 1997

Jim sighed and slunk a little further down in the booth he was sitting in. He stirred his cup of coffee, more for something for his hands to do than for anything else; clinking the spoon in a rhythmic pattern on the side of the ceramic.

Five years. Five years ago *today*, he'd pledged to love, honor, cherish, Sharon Parker; forsaking all others, taking her as his wife until death do them part. She'd had the divorce papers delivered this morning. Jim sighed again. He couldn't help but feel bad--two failed marriages under his belt wasn't something to be proud of--but he didn't feel as bad as he figured he should. After all, it wasn't her fault that she couldn't give Jim what he needed; although he tried not to need anything more than her, eventually she hadn't been enough. And it certainly wasn't her fault that he couldn't give more of himself, because it had already been given away...

Their marriage had started to show signs of strain after just a year; at two years there were real warning flags going up. During the third and fourth years the loft resembled a battlefield; both parties hostile and unforgiving of the least slight. Jim set the spoon down and took a drink of his coffee. It had been a long five years. At least now it was over--or nearly so. Now he could begin rebuilding his life.

Rebuilding into what, though? He was 45 years old...did he even want to try again? Look for another "life mate"; court them, marry them... and maybe end up right back where he was? Not especially. Maybe Blair had had it right all along--love 'em and leave 'em, but never give them your heart. Of course, Jim reflected, it was hard to give something away that someone else already held.

Blair Sandburg. His best friend, guide, partner--best man at his wedding, for Chrissakes. The man he was closer to than any other human on this earth...and his lover for one night. The one night that had changed him, at least, forever. The one night he couldn't forget, no matter how hard he'd tried, no matter what he did. The night he became acutely aware of just exactly what he felt for Blair--and who he needed.

Jim flagged the waitress over to his table. "I'd like a pot of Kenya Roast, please, and an order of biscuits." This particular set of memories was one of the most pleasant--and troubling--ones that he had, and he didn't want any interruptions. The waitress returned with his order after just a brief moment, then left him alone again. He poured himself another mug of coffee, and added a liberal amount of sugar. A shift in the booth to get his legs in a comfortable position, and Jim leaned back against the padding, letting his mind drift where it would...

Five Years Ago...

"Married? Way cool, man!" Blair gave Jim a 'thumbs up' sign, then pounded his friend on the back.

"Thanks, Chief." He smiled at Blair's enthusiasm. "I'd like you to be my best man...?" The smile turned a little shy, almost as if he were unsure about asking this.

"Oh, man...I'd be honored, Jim. Are you sure though? I mean, you and Simon go way back--"

Jim cut him off. "No, no, I want you to do it. Simon and I are good friends, but you and I are..." He trailed off, not sure *what* they were. Blair meant more to him than anyone else did-- except Sharon. After all, what did you call a person who'd been there for you whenever you needed them--no matter what it was? Someone whose company you enjoyed; someone who looked after you in an unobtrusive way, little things like cooking favorite foods for no reason at all, or making special earplugs for fritzed out sentinel hearing; someone who seemed to *enjoy* being with you? Best friend seemed to fall a little short in light of all that, but that was the best he could come up with. Blair had been there for him through thick and thin--even to the risk of himself, numerous times. When no one else believed what Jim was experiencing, Blair was there. When trouble came knocking on their door--which it did frequently, in those days--Blair was right there, backing him up. Taking care of him. They were as close as two people could be, without being lovers, too.

He became aware of Blair standing there staring at him, and he grinned sheepishly, realizing that he'd spoken at least part of that out loud. "Wow, man...how long you been carryin' that around?" Blair sat down on the couch, mouth still gaping at him.

"A while." Jim grinned self-consciously as he took the seat next to Blair, then continued. "I can't explain it, Chief. You're special to me, in ways no one else ever has been. It's like you hold part of my soul...and I hold part of yours."

"Goes with the Blessed Protector mantle, buddy. You're like in charge of keeping me safe, remember? Of course you own part of my soul."

Jim smiled, then reached out and gently cuffed Blair on the side of the head. "Thanks for the insight, Chief. How's May 5th work for you? Sharon wants a May wedding, but the rest of the month is crazy."

"Works for me, big guy. Just tell me when, where and what to wear, and I'm there."

"I'll be sure to keep you informed of all the important details, *Doctor* Sandburg." Jim grinned outright when his friend blushed slightly. Blair had turned in all the information on his dissertation, and was now simply waiting for the committee to decide. Jim had no doubts as to the turn-out, and reminded Blair of it frequently. He stood up, flashing one look back at Blair, still sitting there, watching him. "Thanks a lot, Sandburg...for everything."

The days and weeks crept up on him, and suddenly it was May 4th. Where had the time gone to? His wedding day was tomorrow. The church was ready, the tuxes were hanging in his closet at home, and he had the tickets for the Alaskan Cruise honeymoon package sitting on his dresser. Everything was ready. Simon, Blair, Brown, Nichols and Jensen took him out for a few drinks--his last night out as a free man with the boys, and they wound up doing karaoke at the Daze-n-Nites Bar. Sometime around midnight Simon decided he needed to get home to get some beauty sleep for the event the next day, and the party began breaking up. Jim and Blair poured Nichols, Jensen and Brown into cabs, then got into one themselves. Neither one had wanted to be the designated driver, and lose out on any of the fun.

"We have anything at home to drink?" Jim asked, then winced as he realized what he'd said.

"Jim, man, it's okay. You can stop wincing every time you say 'home'. I'm a big boy now...it's time I lived on my own in the world." Blair's smile took the sting out of his words, but Jim still felt guilty. He hadn't realized when he'd asked Sharon to marry him all the changes that were going to take place--and several of them weren't even about *his* life.

Blair had moved out of the loft two weeks ago, and into his own studio. Jim had helped him find it; then helped him move his meager belongings one rainy Saturday in April. It felt...odd...coming home every night, by himself. He missed the chatter, the goofing around...hell, he missed *Blair*. Even though he saw him nearly every day, it wasn't the same. Some of Sharon's stuff had already made its way into his closet, and on some of his shelves...but they seemed bare--and barren--without Blair's stuff there. He shook his head out of his introspection when he heard Blair's voice continue, "anyway, I don't know the contents of the fridge, big guy, but I imagine there's some beer in there. Knowing you."

'Knowing you.' If anyone knew him, it was his partner. Jim shook his head, and smiled slightly, but felt kind of down suddenly. Must be the alcohol wearing off a bit...he'd never been a good drunk. The cab stopped in front of the building, and Jim paid the driver, over Blair's protests. "Hey, even almost- doctors don't get paid much--deal with it." Blair silenced his protests, and followed his friend up the stairs.

They weren't exactly plastered, but they were far from sober; part way up the stairs Blair started to giggle over nothing in particular, and Jim felt inclined to join him. They were still giggling when they stumbled into the loft, falling into a tangled heap of arms and legs in front of the couch.

"Mmmm...think I'll stay here," Blair muttered as he tried to find purchase to sit up. He didn't succeed, and flopped back down, grinning at Jim's groan when he landed on the older man's arm. "Sorry--should I kiss it and make it better?"

"Yeah, you do that, Chief," Jim said, laying back and closing his eyes. All of a sudden he felt drained of energy. He was startled into coherence when he felt a warm pair of lips touch his arm. "Wha? Sandburg, what are you doing?"

"Kissing it and making it better." Blair's eyes grinned mischievously at him, and Jim felt his face breaking into a smile.

"Oh. 'kay, then. It's much better, thanks." He closed his eyes, the smile remaining. He allowed himself to drift on the alcohol- induced haze, and was nearly asleep when his sentinel hearing became keenly aware of minute changes in his partner's heartbeat and breathing. He listened intently for a moment, then dismissed it--Blair was laying right beside him for heaven's sake; it wasn't like he was in danger or anything. Probably just a reaction to the alcohol moving through his system. He relaxed back into near-somnolence.

Sometime later, how long he didn't know, the soft brush of lips across his forehead wakened him a bit. There was a flair of warmth as Blair leaned in toward him, and a quiet voice whispered, "You're so beautiful...I'm going to miss you," then retreated. He forced his breathing to remain calm and steady, as the younger man climbed unsteadily to his feet. Jim listened as Blair made his way across the room to the bathroom, then heard the sounds of Blair relieving himself. By the time his guide returned to the living area, Jim was sitting up against the couch.

"Wanna beer?" Blair asked as he paused by the kitchen.

"Yeah." Jim took the time to study his guide. Had he imagined what had just happened? Actually, what *had* happened? Nothing, really. Nothing except he now wondered what Blair felt toward him...and how he *really* felt about Blair. "Thanks." He nodded at Blair as the younger man handed him the bottle. "Prob'ly don't need anymore to drink...I think I'm already imagining things," Jim grinned as he took a healthy swallow.

"What, seein' pink elephants already? Thought you had to pass out to do that." Blair chugged back half his beer in one breath, and Jim found himself staring at the line of throat exposed. He caught his breath, and averted his gaze. What the hell was going on here?

"Nah, not pink elephants. Just you an' me, partner." Jim took a large gulp to hide his surprise. 'Must be drunker than I thought,' he considered nervously. Blair just watched him steadily for a minute, then finished off his beer.

"'Nother one?"

"Sure, hang on," Jim raised the bottle and drained it, returning the empty one to the man now standing next to him. "What time's the wedding, Chief?"

"Dunno, man--you're the one gettin' married. I'm just s'posed to follow you, remember?" Blair's voice faded then increased as he walked to the kitchen and returned.

"A six pack? Where'd that come from?" Jim asked as Blair sank to the floor next to him.

"Dunno that one either. Why doncha ask me something I know? Here, drink up." Blair handed him the beer, and took a long swallow from his own. Jim smirked and chugged back half of his. Couldn't let the kid get the advantage on him.

"Okay...what're you tryin' to do, Sandburg? Get me drunk so you can have your way with me?" Now where in the hell had that come from?

"Would it work?"

"Excuse me?"

"Can I have my way with you if you're drunk?"

The atmosphere in the room changed suddenly, charged with heat and energy. Two sets of eyes gazed intently into the other, speaking without an exchange of words. Jim leaned in toward Blair, and felt a surge of heat rush through him when his guide's lips touched his own. He pressed harder, and Blair's mouth opened for him, allowing his tongue to slip inside the moist cavern. Jim caressed Blair's tongue with his own for a moment, then pulled away. He stroked a finger across the lush lips, feeling the excitement flare again when the tip of Blair's tongue poked out and licked that finger. "You can have your way with me regardless, Chief," Jim finally said before leaning in for another kiss.

He welcomed the heat that flowed through his body from this. Blair's mouth open and demanding under his, tongues dueling together. He groaned and slanted his mouth across his partner's, delving deeper into the sweetness hidden there. Blair moaned, and shifted slightly, bringing their bodies closer together. Jim brought his hands up to twine into Blair's hair...that wonderful, silky hair, held the younger man's head firmly while he plundered the ripe, luscious mouth. God, he was getting intoxicated just from kissing Blair...

Hands roaming his body startled him momentarily, then drew him further into the whirlwind that had claimed him. Blair's fingers were searching out his nipples under his shirt, pinching and tugging gently, bringing them to hard, aching points. He lowered one hand from Blair's head, and unbuttoned Blair's shirt. One finger unerringly found a nipple and began stroking it gently, and Blair groaned into his mouth. Jim became desperate with the need to touch more--all--of Blair, and pushed his lover back onto the floor. He stretched out next to him, pushing one leg between Blair's thighs, and reclaimed Blair's mouth. Blair pushed his pelvis against him, and Jim gasped as their erections bumped together.

"Take me Jim, oh, God, make love to me," Blair moaned when Jim broke their kiss. "I want you...want you inside me..."

Jim sat up quickly and pulled his shirt off, shivering from the heat in Blair's eyes as he gazed at him. "Are you sure?"

"Oh, yeah. God, you're beautiful..." Blair stroked a hand down Jim's chest, tracing a path to the waistband of his pants. Jim quickly pushed those off, and divested Blair of his clothes before settling down next to Blair again.

"Help me here, Chief...I've never done this before..." Jim shuddered as Blair's tongue began tormenting his hard, aching nipples. He reached a tentative hand down and stroked his partner's hard cock, shuddering again as it surged in his hand.

"We need something...to use for lubricant..." Blair panted when Jim pulled him back up, and buried his face in Blair's neck, licking and sucking. "Don't... mark me...man...can't have it...showing," he finished, tipping his head back and arching his throat, groaning as Jim's tongue swirled across his adam's apple. "God..."

"Never heard that one before...although you're making me feel like one..." Blair giggled slightly, then groaned again when Jim nipped the tempting flesh once more. Jim sat up. "Lube?" he asked hoarsely.

"Got any baby oil? Wait..." Blair closed his eyes for a minute, and Jim could see him trying to steady his breathing. "Are we gonna use condoms?"

"Don't have any...and I don't want to stop... Are you okay with that?"

"Fine with me, man...I want to feel you naked, anyway." Jim watched Blair stretch his tempting body, thrusting his hard cock up towards the bigger man. "Got this swollen spot...can you kiss it and make it better?" Jim grinned. Blair was parodying his words from earlier. He leaned down and licked the tip of Blair's cock, savoring the taste of pre-ejaculate on his tongue. It was salty, and slightly bitter, and tasted like Blair smelled. Blair moaned and arched toward him. "More, please...oh, God, Jim, suck me..."

Jim raised an eyebrow, then sucked the tip into his mouth. Blair cried out under him, and began thrusting upward. Jim quickly opened his mouth up, and took as much of Blair's cock in as he was able. He sucked on his lover for a long minute, until changes in Blair's breathing and temperature told him that orgasm was imminent. He didn't want Blair coming yet--he wanted them to do that together. Blair gasped when Jim let go of him.

"Why?" he asked, his eyes glazed with heat and desire.

"I don't want you leaving me behind on this one, Chief...wait for me, okay?" Jim got up quickly, and ran for the bathroom. Baby oil, baby oil...there it was! He grabbed the bottle and ran back to the living room. Blair was laying on the floor, running his hands over his own body, pinching lightly at his nipples. Jim felt his cock surge at the sight. He growled low in his throat, and Blair opened his eyes. The look in them almost made Jim come right there--it was so hot, directed right at him. He dropped to his knees. "Okay...now what?" Jim gently caressed Blair's erection, wringing a groan from the smaller man.

Blair spread his legs open, and brought them up. "You need to loosen me up a little--use the oil and your finger..." He arched slightly as Jim's finger found the puckered little hole and began to gently rub it. "Ahh...yeah...put it in me...Oh, God..." Blair's hips began working back and forth as Jim slowly slid his finger into the tight hot opening. "Another one...oh, man..." Jim could feel his blood pressure rising, just from listening to Blair. He thrust several times quickly with his fingers, then withdrew them.

"I want you, Blair." His voice sounded hoarse to his own ears.

"I'm yours, Jim. Take me." Fuck me. The words hung unspoken in the air, and Jim took the challenge. He spread the oil on his cock--God, he was so hard it hurt--then slid down between Blair's legs. He pressed his cock against Blair's anus, then began pushing in. He slid in fairly easily, which surprised him, until he remembered that this *wasn't* Blair's first time with a man. An insane feeling of jealousy spiked through him, and he thrust in hard. Blair groaned beneath him, and Jim quickly stopped. He didn't want to hurt Blair--he just wanted to love him.

"Okay?" He whispered the question before leaning down to gently claim Blair's mouth again. The younger man whispered yes against his lips before opening his mouth for Jim's. Jim moved, thrusting within Blair. He'd never been inside something so hot, so tight...he was completely surrounded, encased. With very little effort he could feel Blair's pulse through the thin layers of skin separating them. Minute changes in temperature, moisture levels...he catalogued them all while he pumped in and out of Blair's body.

Blair brought his legs up and locked them around Jim's waist, driving him deeper into his tight channel. Jim groaned as Blair tightened his muscles, clenching himself around Jim. He began thrusting harder, pounding into the younger man. Blair wrapped his hand around his erection and stroked in time to Jim's thrusts. Jim lowered his head to lick and suck at Blair's nipples, before returning to that delicious mouth.

He had a split-second warning as every muscle in Blair's body tightened, then Blair came with a cry, hot sticky fluid splashing across both their bodies. Jim groaned as Blair's muscles spasmed around him, tightening the pressure further. He thrust into Blair one last time, spilling his seed deep inside his lover.

They fell asleep shortly after that, bodies still joined, limbs tangled together.

Jim woke briefly around three, groaning when he realized they were asleep on the floor. He poked Blair, and said, "C'mon, Sandburg, let's go to bed."

"Thought we did that already," came the muzzy reply.

"No, I mean let's go to bed. C'mon--up you go." He shifted the younger man into a sitting position, then got up. Jim pulled Blair up, and guided him upstairs. They crawled under the covers and went back to sleep, spooned up against each other.

Jim woke again around six, bladder full to the point of bursting. He eased himself out from under Blair's warm body, and went downstairs to relieve himself. Blair was still snuggled into a ball when he returned. He pulled the covers back slightly and ran a caressing, questing hand down Blair's side. The younger man shivered and stretched, inviting further caresses. Jim rolled him onto his back and kissed him, accepting the invitation.

They made love slowly the second time, savoring the moment, the feeling. It was made sweeter--and bittersweet at the same time-- by the knowledge that this would be the last time; in a few more hours Jim would belong to someone else.

His hands shook slightly--from a multitude of emotions--as he straightened Blair's bow-tie. They'd fallen asleep after making love the second time, waking to find themselves tangled around each other. Jim hadn't known what to say. What *could* he say? 'It was just the booze?' Bull-puckey. It was a damn sight more than that, and they both knew it. But it was too late. Blair had withdrawn into himself; quiet and introspective. Jim wondered desperately what his friend was thinking--what he was feeling.

They picked up the loft quickly, disposing of empty beer bottles; returning the baby oil to the bathroom...cleaning up the living room. They showered and ate breakfast, then started dressing. After getting everything fixed just so, Jim glanced at the clock and realized they still had an hour before they had to start for the church. He sat down on the couch with a sigh, and Blair sat down next to him.

"Nervous?" Blair's voice had an odd quality to it, one Jim couldn't identify.

"Yeah. No. I don't know. I guess so. Tired too, and a little sore." Jim clenched his jaw then. He hadn't meant to bring last night up--Blair didn't seem inclined to discuss it, so he wasn't going to force the issue.

There was a faint smile on his partner's face. "Me too," he admitted. "Sore, I mean." Blair looked at him, a longing in his eyes. "I have something to tell you, Jim."

Jim felt his stomach knot up slightly. "Okay," he replied, evenly. "What?"

"I'm leaving here in a few days--leaving Cascade, I mean. I've been asked to help lead an expedition/study down in Chile..." Blair looked up, and Jim could read the pain in those beautiful eyes. "I turned it down at first, but wasn't sure I could handle being around for a while, after you got married. So I accepted it."

"How long?" Jim felt like his throat was swelling, the words came out so harshly.

"Two, maybe three years. It's being done in two parts, but I'd like to be present for the whole thing. Ties in nicely with the Sentinel research..." Blair broke off, a choking noise in his throat. Jim could see the tears shining in his partner's eyes. "I didn't mean for last night to happen, Jim. I thought I could hide it better than that."

"That's what you meant then..." Jim remembered the whispered words that he'd half believed he'd dreamed.

"What?"

"You kissed my forehead, then said 'You're beautiful, I'll miss you', or something like that."

"You were supposed to be asleep," Blair's tone sounded slightly accusatory, and Jim smiled.

"I was, until you kissed me," he responded in a reasonable tone.

Blair laughed slightly, then hiccoughed. "I am going to miss you, Jim. I've missed you for a while. Last night changed a lot of things--"

"Last night changed a lot of things, but it doesn't change the fact that you're still my best friend, Chief. I've loved you for a long time...this is just another dimension to that. I'm only sorry we didn't realize it sooner."

"Me too," Blair whispered.

"Are you sure you have to go?" Jim suddenly realized what Blair's earlier words meant--they slammed into his brain with incredible clarity.

"Yes. If I stay here, man, you'll never get this marriage going. If I'm gone though, you might have a chance."

Jim nodded, but wondered. "I could just not show up today..."

Blair looked at him, a horrified expression on his face. "No, you can't do that. She deserves better than that, man. It's not her fault. You'd hate yourself after a while. I know, man. You're so not like that, to hurt someone intentionally." He took a deep breath, then continued. "Besides, Jim...I know you love her, at least a little bit. And the guy-thing isn't really your scene, man. Give it a try. You never know."

"Not as much as I love you, though." Jim couldn't help the words, and winced slightly at Blair's flinch. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay, man. I knew this was just gonna be trouble--I've tried for so long to not feel this way. I'll be okay, really. You've got to do this, man. You have to. If you're ever gonna respect yourself, you have to go through with this."

Blair had a point. He could leave Sharon at the alter, but he'd feel like a shit for doing it. But... "What about you?"

"What about me?"

"Well, you know..." Jim hesitated, unsure of what to say, or how to say it.

"I'll find someone, Jim. Humans aren't meant to live their lives solitary. It won't be you...but maybe I can fake it enough until I believe it. However," he dropped his voice to a whisper, knowing Jim could still hear him, "if you ever find yourself free again, find me, okay? Look for me...I'll probably be around."

"Oh, God, Blair..." Jim sighed. He reached out and pulled Blair to him, their lips meeting in a gentle kiss. A goodbye kiss.

Jim reconnected with the present with a start, amazed to find he'd drank the entire pot of coffee while reminiscing. Ate the biscuits, too. Well, that was why he didn't feel as bad as he should. Blair was out there somewhere--and he would find him, regardless of how long it took.

So many things had changed though. Would Blair still want him? He never questioned if he still wanted Blair--he'd wanted him, needed him, for five years. He'd tried with Sharon, he really had. But it wasn't the same. She was a wonderful, lovely person, but she wasn't Blair.

With a snort Jim pushed himself out of the booth. He had to get those damned papers signed and in the mail. The sooner her lawyer got them, the sooner he could start his search. He walked to the counter, glad that the place wasn't busy. The waitress took his check and money, and gave him a friendly but distracted smile. "See ya 'round, hon," she called as he walked toward the door. He nodded politely, and pushed the door open.

The wind ripped through him as he left the relative safety of the doorway, and Jim pulled his jacket closer around himself. The older this body got, the less he liked the cold. Florida was starting to look good. He was intent on his thoughts as he meandered down the sidewalk, and didn't notice the other person approaching him until he ran full into them.

"Hey!"

"I'm sorry, I wasn't--Chief? Oh, my God, Blair!"

"Jim!"

They threw their arms around each other, and hugged tightly, joy and disbelief mingling.

Blair pulled back and smiled at the older man. "Oh, man...you're about the last person I expected to run into down here--what's going on?"

"Well, Chief...I was coming to look for you."

Blair raised his head to see the promise shining in Jim's eyes, and knew he'd come home for good this time.

Email the author with comments.
Use your browsers back button to return to your story selections or submit a new query.