Archive of Our Own ^beta

Unseen figures throwing him to the floor. Hands holding him down, pulling off his clothes, violating him again and again. Biting, sucking, hurting-

"NO!" Blair gasped and sat straight up in the darkness of his room, disoriented. "Raped," he whispered, remembering. "Oh, God, I was raped last night." He wrapped his arms around his shaking body and rocked.

Suddenly, Jim was there, holding him close. "Chief? It's okay, it's all over. Shhhh."

Blair leaned against Jim for a moment, then pushed away. He took a deep breath, willing control back into his mind and body. "I'm okay, Jim," he said after a minute. "Why don't you go back to bed? I'm sorry I woke you." He tried to turn way, but Jim's strong hands stopped him.

"You're not okay, Blair," Jim said softly. "You were raped."

Blair's temper flared. "No shit? Don't tell me, Sherlock, I was there!" He knew he shouldn't be yelling at Jim, but he didn't care. All the rage and pain came bubbling to the surface, and Blair just let go. "Do you know what it's like, Jim? Do you know what it's like to be held down while four drunken pricks have their way with you? To feel them biting, to feel their dirty mouths on you, *and you can't do a goddamn thing*?! Of course you don't, Mr. Covert Ops! You would've been able to fight your way out, but I couldn't! They raped me, and there wasn't a fucking thing I could do about it! NOT A FUCKING THING!" The tears he'd been holding back suddenly overwhelmed him, and Blair started to cry.

He felt Jim's arms close around him again, and this time he gave in and allowed Jim to rock him. "Let it go, Blair," he heard Jim whisper softly. "It's okay."

Blair sobbed brokenly for what seemed like hours. Crying had never felt so good; he could actually feel the fear and anger lessening with every sob. Finally, he snuggled into Jim's chest and hiccupped while Jim petted his curls gently. "I'm sorry, Jim," he said quietly. "I didn't mean to yell at you or to bawl like that. Self-pity is pretty ugly."

Jim patted his back to ease the hiccups. "First of all, I've been yelled at by the nastiest lowlifes the army has to offer, so don't worry about it. Second, it isn't self-pity, it's a normal reaction. Blair, what happened to you was horrible. No one should have to go through that. And you're right, I don't know what it's like."

"It would never have happened to you," Blair insisted. "I was so defenseless, you know? I lost control of my body, and-" he stopped, concentrating on his breathing.

"I do know what that's like," Jim said. "Everytime I zone out, I lose control of my body. But, Blair, I'm lucky enough to have you to help me regain control." He tilted Blair's face up and looked into his eyes. "And that's what I'm going to help you do. Trust me."

Blair felt the warmth of friendship and love coming from the big, silent man who held him. "I do trust you," Blair said. "Look, Jim, about the other night," he sighed. This was difficult, but it had to be said. "You were right. I mean, the fight we had...I should never have moved in with you. What I am...I knew how you'd react and I deliberately decieved you. I'm sorry."

Jim shook his head. "No, Blair. I was wrong. I judged you and I said some horrible things that I've regretted ever since. Not out of contempt or righteousness, but-" Jim shrugged "I don't know if you need to hear this right now."

Blair nudged him. "Go on."

Jim took a deep breath. "I was jealous. I kept thinking about other men having you, and I couldn't stand it." He looked down, studying his feet. "I love you, Blair. I don't know when it happened, all I know is I've never felt this way about anyone, like I want you to belong to me and no one else. That's why I blew up at you. I wanted to hurt you because I was hurting." He laughed shortly. "I guess I just dropped another problem on top of the one you already had."

Speechless, Blair stared at his partner, trying to process what he'd just been told. Jim Ellison loved him. The man Blair had been brooding over for months loved him. It couldn't be true. "Jim, please don't say that unless you mean it," Blair begged. "If you're telling me that out of pity-"

"Blair, I can count the number of times I've said 'I love you' on one hand-literally," Jim replied. "And I've never said it without meaning it. I love you."

Blair felt light headed. Suddenly, the rape seemed distant, robbed of its raw power. "Jim," he said, stuggling to keep the quiver out of his voice, "do you know how much I've wanted to hear you say that?"

Jim smiled tentatively. "You have?"

"I love you, Jim, and I've never said that to anyone but Naomi."

"Then you'll stay with me?" Jim asked.

Blair was confused. "Of course."

"No, I mean, commit to me and no one else," Jim clarified. "Just you and me. No others. Can you do that, Blair? Because if you can't...what I mean is, I want this to be forever. You and me."

Blair reached up and stroked Jim's cheek. "Jim, I have a home for the first time in my life. With you. You're the first person I've ever wanted to stay with, and I think as Sentinel and Guide we're meant to mate for life. I'm staying." He leaned up and touched his lips to Jim's. "Sleep with me?"

Jim grinned. "Gladly. Scoot over."

Blair gave Jim room to lie down, then snuggled up to him, head on the muscular chest. He felt Jim's arms wrap around him gently and knew he was safe. No more nightmares.