Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Due to length, this story has been split into three parts.

Author's homepage: http://members.aol.com/rainy1666/page/index.htm

Rating: NC-17

Pairings: J/B

Warnings: Graphic m/m sexual depictions.

Notes: Many thanks to Tex for her extraordinary insight, everlasting patience, and the best beta fine-tuning in Texas. You're the bee's knees, girl! Virtual roses to Maeg for not letting me get away with anything. Awesome beta job, kiddo! A special nod to Paulette for suggesting aspects of Blair's sexual history. All hail the majesty of my marvelous beta-readers! For the sake of argument, readers may assume that STDs do not exist in this universe. This is fiction. In reality, always use condoms. Only one very slight spoiler, in that there is a reference to Blair's relationship with Maya from the episode "Love and Guns." Be advised that the Blair in this tale is, at age twenty-seven, somewhat younger than the Blair in canon. You may look upon this tale, then, as something of a Sentinel AU that takes place sometime after "Warriors," but before the events in "Nightshift" and "Sentinel Too."

Disclaimer: The Sentinel, its characters, concepts and history belong to UPN and Pet Fly Productions. This is a non-profit work of fan-fiction, created solely for the private enjoyment of Sentinel fans. This story may not be sold, published, publicly displayed or archived without express permission from the author.

Final Frontier - part one
By Rainy Day

Take it. Go on. Take it, you slimy little…. Yes! Aloud, Jim whooped with triumph as he gave his fishing rod a yank to snag his prey.

Perched atop a large rock at the end of the river's natural jetty, Blair stood poised with his Cree spear, looking not unlike a young Cree warrior himself, as he contemplated the moving water before him. Wearing only tattered denim shorts and a cut-off tee, he moved not a whit, not even flinching as the chilly water crested over the rock, splashing his bare feet and ankles. Only his eyes moved, belying his partner's one-time claim that Blair could not keep still if his life depended on it. But at Jim's cry Blair turned and, seeing the bucking fish arc out of the water in its fight to free itself, let out a war-cry of his own.

"Whoo-hoo! Get 'em, Jim!"

"Sandburg! Bring me that net!"

Deserting his post at last, Blair leapt from the rock and made his way through the thigh-deep water toward his partner, who was now deeply immersed in his battle against a fiercely struggling five-pound trout. As he sloshed to his friend's side, Blair yanked the lightweight net free from a belt-loop on his shorts and held it at the ready. Jim reeled like mad, ignoring the water splashing into the tops of his thigh-high rubber boots, while Blair shouted encouragements and their would-be dinner drew closer and closer to shore.

"That's it! You got 'em, Jim! Don't lose him, man!!"

Jim struggled with his rod for several long moments, then with a final mighty heave, he reeled in the battling trout. It was twisting and fighting violently, but just as it managed to squirm off the hook, Blair got the net beneath it.

"Yeah!" Jim shouted, "What a team!" and the two men high-fived each other victoriously.

"All right!" Blair chortled. "I have a great recipe for trout! It'll melt in your mouth!"

"Can't wait!" Jim agreed, licking his lips at the prospect and, as Blair held up the prize for his partner's triumphant edification, he proceeded to do a victory dance right there in the water. Had he been holding a football, Jim would have looked right at home on the goal-line of any end-zone. Blair laughed delightedly at his friend's antics. It was so rare for Jim to let loose like this. He was glad he'd allowed his friend to talk him into the getaway weekend. It was the break they'd both needed.

Taking the net from Blair at last, Jim raised it to eye level so he could properly taunt the pitifully suffocating creature. "You thought you had me, didn't you?" Jim berated his weakening captive. "Now you know better! Teach you to mess with an Ellison!"

Blair smiled and shook his head as he watched his partner deride his innocent captive. He didn't even mind when Jim presented him with the fish saying, "I caught it, you clean it!"

"Why me?" Blair felt a token protest was in order, whether he minded cleaning the fish or not.

" 'Cause all you've done for the last two hours is stand on that rock waving your spear while the fish laughed."

"I'll have you know Cree spear-fishing is an art," Blair informed his companion as they gathered their tackle. "It's like the difference between hunting deer with a bow and arrow, or just blasting Bambi with a shotgun. Cree fishing is a real man's sport. It's not easy standing still that long, believe me! See, Cree fisherman believed that the waiting was half the challenge. It's kind of a rite-of-passage, but also a meditation. It builds character! I feel different already!"

"Character, huh?" Jim laughed as they made their way back to camp with the catch of the day.

"What, you don't think I have character?"

"Just because you are a character, doesn't mean you have character."

Despite Jim's teasing tone, Blair felt it was high-time to be insulted. "That's right, dump on the little guy. But let's not forget who's making dinner. So unless you wanna fend for yourself, I suggest you stop taking me for granted!"

"'Taking you for granted'? Now you sound like my ex-wife."

"Yeah, well, maybe she had a point, man."

"Don't get all bent out of shape, Sandburg. I was just kidding. You know I respect you."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," Jim cuffed him playfully on the side of the head. "Now get cookin', Skippy. I'm starving."

Blair made short work of the fish, filleting it with practiced ease, and he soon had it soaking in a make-shift marinade. Because the trout needed at least two hours to properly absorb the spices (no amount of cajoling would sway Blair on this issue, as Jim quickly discovered), the partners decided it was the perfect time to hit the lake for a swim.

Securing the various bottles Jim called his "potions," Blair slipped into the tent and donned his swimming trunks. Jim was already outfitted for the water by the time his partner joined him, and he preceded Blair down the path, recounting his battle with the trout all the while. As he moved, the muscles across his broad back rippled and bunched and, trying valiantly to keep his eyes to himself, Blair followed in his partner's footsteps as they approached the lake.

The day was warm and the sun glinted appealingly off the aqua-blue surface of the chilly lake. It had been created from the run-off produced by a stream, but it was deep and wide enough to be considered a body of water in its own right. Surrounded by evergreens and fringed with shrubs and sandy stone, the area was as quietly charming as it was remote. They'd had to hike a considerable distance through the heavily wooded state forest to reach the alluring spot, but because it was so far off the beaten path it was rarely, if ever, visited by campers, hikers, rangers or, for that matter, forestry officials of any kind. It was a secluded wonder--a hidden treasure in the heart of the wilderness.

Blair had loved it immediately. And though he had known Jim for going on three years, the big cop had never before brought him here, nor even mentioned the existence of the private getaway retreat. Fleetingly, Blair wondered if Jim ever brought women here, but he kicked that door closed immediately. Jealousy was pointless. The important thing was that Jim had chosen to share his secret fishing spot with Blair. And for Blair's purposes, it was perfect. Now if he only knew how to actually go about doing what he'd decided it was the right time to do!

"Geronimo!" Blair shouted and he leapt from a boulder cannon-ball style, liberally dousing Jim who had been edging forth into the water in an attempt to get used to the low temperature by slow degrees. With a growl, Jim threw himself into the water and took off after his laughing partner, who responded by again splashing Jim for all he was worth. Catching up to his laughing Guide at last, Jim gave him the dunking of a lifetime, pulling his struggling partner to the surface of the waist-deep water only when his heart began to pound, signaling he was nearing a dangerous point of oxygen depletion.

"Oh, man!" Blair sputtered as he coughed up lake water, "That was so harsh!"

"What's the matter, Chief? You can dish it out but you can't take it?"

"Take this, tough guy!" And Blair launched himself at Jim, grasping his partner in what promised to be an excellent "dunking-hold," but at the last moment he slipped on a slimy underwater rock. Jim used his distraction to twist in Blair's grasp and as he struggled with his squirming partner, who still seemed hell-bent upon dunking him in retaliation, the larger man swiftly grabbed the wrists of the smaller, threw his arms around the struggling body and pinned Blair's hands behind him. This had the result of putting both men chest to chest, with Jim's arms around Blair, whose hands were tightly secured behind his waist by Jim's superior strength.

"Gotcha now, Chief!" Jim crowed triumphantly. Blair struggled for a moment longer, then, acknowledging defeat by superior forces, ceased all at once and decided to change his tack altogether.

"Yeah? Well, now that you've got me, big man, what are ya gonna do with me?" Blair asked coquettishly, batting his eyelashes with comical exaggeration.

He'd expected Jim to laugh, or at least cuff him on the side of the head. But Jim did neither. Instead, his triumphant smile slowly faded, leaving Jim looking seriously, if with marked trepidation, into Blair's eyes.

Their heads were only inches apart and Blair watched with a pounding heart as Jim slowly focused on his lips. Despite the caution on the big man's face, Blair could clearly distinguish the dominating emotion flitting across his features: Longing. For a moment, Blair was certain Jim was going to kiss him and it was all he could do to keep from letting go with a whoop of glee. As quickly as the moment came, however, it passed.

As if realizing that in his surprise over Blair's flirtatious query he'd allowed his true emotions to show, Jim quickly masked his feelings and schooled his expression, his face taking on his long-ago learned emotionally distant countenance. Abruptly, the Sentinel released him, turned pointedly and began swimming as fast as his well-muscled body could carry him toward shore.

"Jim?" Blair called, but it was too late. The older man was already pulling himself from the lake. Wrapping his towel around his waist without ceremony, the Sentinel headed off down the path without looking back.

Damn! Blair inwardly cursed, faulting his own impulsive nature. He hadn't meant to scare Jim away like that. He'd thought his comical approach to be non-threatening and his timing, right on the money.

For a long while now, Blair had been getting signals--albeit somewhat mixed signals--but he'd been sure the meaning behind them was what he'd taken it to be. Could he have misinterpreted the message? Or could it have been all in his head from the get-go? Just wishful thinking?

Blair shook his head. No. The look on Jim's face--before the fear had surfaced--had been perfectly clear. So where was the fear coming from? Was it simply fear of the male/male dynamic? A fear of how others might react, perhaps? Or even how Blair would react to advances made by a male friend? Could it be a fear drilled into Jim by his father or the Army?

It could be that Jim did desire him, but only physically. He might simply be opposed to a relationship and feared hurting his Guide's feelings or driving him away with an inevitable rejection. Or, more plausibly considering the kind of man Jim was, he might be genuinely disgusted by the notion of intimacy with a male, and any signals he broadcast to the contrary, simply a side-effect of the Sentinel/Guide bond. If that was the case, Jim might come to resent Blair for stirring up unwanted desire within him. And such resentment had the potential to destroy all they had built together.

Blair had wanted this for such a long time, and he'd been so certain that his feelings were reciprocated that he'd gambled everything. But if he'd been wrong about the older man's feelings, what would happen now? Would Jim be angry? Would he throw Blair out of the loft?

No. This is Jim Ellison we're talking about, Blair told himself. Stoic (beautiful), repressed (God-like), Jim Ellison. More than likely he would simply pretend the entire incident hadn't taken place. Now that was Jim. Repress, ignore, sublimate. If only he could get Jim to talk about it. If Jim truly didn't want him, Blair needed to hear it. Only then would be believe he was alone in suffering these yearnings of the heart.

Blair treaded water a moment longer, then with a resigned sigh he began slowly paddling back to shore. He would find a way to get Jim to open up to him, Blair decided. He had to. He couldn't go on like this. The feelings had become so strong he could no longer ignore them. He knew what he wanted to happen this weekend. It was time. Of that he was sure. If only he knew what Jim was thinking!

One way or another he would get Jim talking, Blair vowed as he climbed to shore and retrieved his towel. After dinner. Yes! The way to a Sentinel's heart was through his stomach. After dinner he would get Jim talking if it killed him.

Jim got back to camp as quickly as possible and, after drying himself insufficiently for his liking, entered the tent without preamble, intent upon dressing before Blair returned. As he pulled his clothes from his pack with stiff, mechanical movements, he fought futilely to put the incident at the lake out of his mind.

It was just so damn confusing when Blair flirted with him. But then, Blair flirted with everyone. It was just his way. Jim sighed wearily, pulling off his trunks and slipping into a pair of warm, flannel boxers. If only things were different. If only they could be…but, no. Things were the way they were and there wasn't a damn thing Jim could do to change them. More than that, he didn't want to change them--to change Blair, that was. If Blair behaved differently, he just wouldn't be Blair anymore. Blair was spontaneous, irrepressible, precocious. And that was just how Jim wanted him. It was just how he was meant to be. Just how Jim had fallen in love with him….

The idea of loving his cherished partner was not new to him, but thus far, Jim had never moved beyond the "wishful thinking" phase of fantasy. A little reality was a dangerous thing. Should the fantasy ever become real, who could say how the change would affect their friendship? Their working relationship? Their Sentinel/Guide bond?

Jim shook his head. These were all serious issues to be sure--genuine concerns--but they weren't what really scared him. They weren't what had kept him from seeking intimacy from his roommate for so very long. For what really frightened Jim was Blair's behavior in relationships. Since the day he'd met the man, his Guide had moved from one fling to another as if commitment were an alien concept.

Should they actually become lovers, Jim had no doubt Blair would be serious about the relationship at the onset. He always was. But in short order the man would become bored, or restless, or both. He would move on as he always did, easily putting the past behind him. Then Blair would return to his usual ways--to the ways that made him "Blair."

He had every part of Blair that mattered. The physical aspect wasn't so important--not really. That was just sex, after all. Lust, Jim could deal with. But his desire for Blair wasn't really lust--well, it wasn't only lust, Jim amended. He had struggled with this for far too long to fool himself into believing that the reason he denied himself had anything to do with sex. At first, when the dreams had haunted his sleep and he would wake with his hand wrapped around his cock and Blair's name on his lips, he had convinced himself that that was all it was.

That had been hard enough to deal with, as he'd never had such thoughts about a man before. But soon after his dream images would come to him at the most inopportune of moments; like watching his roommate across the breakfast table, or with Blair sitting beside him at his desk in Major Crimes--so close he could smell the younger man's shampoo, his musk, his essence. Jim had more erections in the few months he'd suffered the dreams than in his entire adolescence. He'd actually taken to wearing long shirts, untucked, to hide his arousal.

Unconsciously, he'd begun touching Blair even more than he had before. Any excuse would do to touch his friend's hair, to get into his personal space, or to lean over his partner and inhale his scent. But it wasn't until he'd taken to eavesdropping that Jim began to admit to himself there was more to it than sex.

He'd find himself listening jealously to Blair's phone conversations with women, watching him flirt at the station and, worst of all, listening in when Blair would masturbate. Blair only did that in the shower, perhaps thinking that Jim wouldn't be able to tell in the "soap and water" atmosphere. And in truth, he probably wouldn't--unless he'd been looking for it. Unless he'd been listening in.

Stop it! Jim derided himself. This doesn't help! Get your mind out of the gutter and be honest with yourself for once! Taking a deep breath, Jim allowed the truth to surface for the first time.

Yes--Blair could hop from one bed to another with ease, but Jim couldn't do that. If he allowed himself to begin something with Blair, Jim admitted, he was sure he wouldn't survive it when the relationship went bad. And go bad it would, if Blair's track record was any indication of the probability of it succeeding. Jim just didn't have enough heart left, after Carolyn, to lose any more of it. It would destroy him. He felt it. He knew it.

He couldn't risk that. He wouldn't.

Jim could still recall what he'd felt when his marriage had gone to hell. The moment Carolyn had finally walked out, never to return, had been the most painful and crushing of his life; a devastating blow to his soul and ego. He'd almost not been able to get over it. He'd wanted it to work. He really had. But he'd found himself sabotaging his own efforts at every turn.

When she got closer, he would pull away. When she wanted to discuss the future, he would focus only on the present. But what was most bizarre was that he'd known, at the time, that he was undermining his own desire to form a deeper bond. He'd known it, but had been unable to stop himself. Perhaps, unconsciously, he'd been waiting for her to call him on it. To put him up against a wall and tell him he wasn't going to get away with it. That they were going to make it work no matter what. Perhaps he'd been waiting for her to prove her love.

Jim gave himself a shake. Dwelling on his past failures wouldn't help. In truth, he had no idea why he and Carolyn were able to get close only after the marriage had ended. Perhaps it was because he'd been waiting for Blair to come along? Could it be that Jim simply couldn't have the kind of relationship he needed with a woman? No! He wouldn't let himself think about that. He simply couldn't afford to put his relationship with Blair at such risk.

Had he been asked yesterday, Jim would have said that he had no intention of becoming just another notch on the Sandburg bedpost of life--that their friendship was too important to screw up by dragging sex into it. But thanks to Blair's behavior at the lake, Jim found himself contemplating the issue all over again.

Feeling his resolve weakening, Jim bit the inside of his cheek until he drew blood. Turning up his pain dial, he let the exquisite agony ground him as he chanted to himself, No, no, no! He had the dial locked so high that his brief moment suffering the small wound felt like an eternity of agony. But when he released himself from the pain at last, he found his decision had been made. It was, of course, the only decision possible, but he felt better for having made it nonetheless, and he allowed himself a sigh of resigned relief.

No, he would not cave now. His relationship with Blair was too important. It was, in fact, the single most important relationship of his life. More important, even, than his marriage had been. The bond they had forged over three long years wouldn't go the way of Blair's many failed love affairs--not if Jim Ellison had anything to say about it, and he did. He had to be strong. For both of them.

Secure in the "rightness" of his decision, Jim pushed his feelings down into the secret place they belonged and exited the tent just in time to see Blair coming up the path. Jim summoned up a well-rehearsed smile for his friend and even managed a half-hearted wave as he set about stringing up a clothes-line to dry their towels and swimsuits.

He would be strong for Blair.

Dinner was an excruciatingly quiet affair, at least on Jim's part. Blair, on the other hand, kept up a running babble on all manner of subjects during the fish fry. While Jim usually enjoyed listening to his friend ramble, he found it unusually difficult to pay attention, for his thoughts continually, and much to his dismay, returned to the incident at the lake. Jim was fairly certain he'd been nodding in the proper places, however, as his partner didn't seem to notice his preoccupation.

As dinner was consumed before the fire, Jim made a point of making sufficient "mmm" noises and, just for good measure, he offered up several compliments on the marinated trout, which was, after all, surprisingly good. It was just spicy enough to satisfy him, but not enough to cause his senses to act up. During their association, Jim marveled, Blair had made cooking for a Sentinel into an art form.

After a quick clean-up, Blair joined Jim on his log by the fire and presented him with a stick. Jim took it without thinking, but when he realized what he held was a long, thin branch with the bark scraped off, he turned to his roommate speculatively. He was just about to raise a questioning eyebrow at the unusual offering when he smelled them.

Blair was prattling on about camping and the roots of it in Western male bonding rituals, when Jim could take it no more.

"Alright, Sandburg, where are they?"

Blair paused in his allocution, raised his eyebrows innocently, then with a wicked grin, pulled the bag of fluffy, white marshmallows from behind his back with a flourish. Jim made a grab for them, but his Guide was too quick. Hopping off the log, Blair stood beside the fire, holding the innocent bag of marshmallows hostage. Jim watched with horror as his Guide dangled the bag with two fingers just above the nipping flames.

"Uh, uh! You're not getting any marshmallows unless you agree to talk to me! Come on, man. Talk and marshmallows go together!" At Jim's 'No one bribes me' frown, Blair sighed, eighty-sixed the extortion tactic--at least verbally--and said honestly, "Come on, Jim. We're both adults. Let's clear the air."

Jim thought this over as he eyed the marshmallows hungrily. The bag was beginning to scorch. His Guide certainly knew his weaknesses. Jim would do damn near anything for fresh, open-fire roasted marshmallows on a stick and Blair knew it. Some people had chocolate fetishes. Ice cream did it for others. For Jim, it was marshmallows or nothing.

"Okay, Darwin. You talk, I'll roast." This seemed to satisfy his partner, for he made no attempt to get away with the sweets as Jim made an all or nothing lunge for the clear plastic bag and found it surrendered to him, not the flames.

"Okay, that sounds fair," Blair agreed, and Jim was presented with a second stick. He took it gratefully, for this meant he would not have to suffer the smell of Blair's famous flaming marshmallow treats.

Carefully positioning the marshmallows on the sticks so they would be in no danger of dropping off during the roasting process, Jim held them the proper distance from the fire to brown the outer skins without the risk of accidental incineration. Blair rolled his eyes but didn't interfere. He had bigger fish to fry. Jim had agreed to talk, which meant Blair would do all the talking, but Jim would, at least, listen.

Blair had brought out the carefully hidden confection for a very specific reason, and the marshmallows were now serving the precise function he'd hoped they would. So long as Jim had something to do, and he didn't have to sit and watch Blair awkwardly, he wouldn't head for the hills the moment the conversation became less than comfortable.

This was it, then. It was time.

"Okay, here's what I've been thinking," the curly-haired man began as Jim kept an eagle eye on their desert, "I think the Sentinel/Guide bond between us has had some…unusual effects on our relationship. Maybe even on our feelings. Would you agree?"

For a moment, he didn't think Jim would answer and the silence weighed heavily upon him. While turning the sticks carefully, Jim finally responded, "Yeah. I would agree with that."

Blair let out a sigh of relief. They were going to discuss this like adults, after all. "Well…would you say that us having…a closer relationship is all part of what was meant to be, then? That our feelings are, like, part of the Sentinel/Guide thing and, like, we're destined to have a certain kind of relationship because of it?"

Jim frowned without looking at him. "Destiny? No. I would say that the Sentinel/Guide relationship may have opened the door for what you're talking about. But it's our choice whether or not to walk through it." With that, Jim handed Blair his stick. Blair blinked at the perfectly roasted, golden-brown marshmallow at the end.

Obviously, approaching this topic from a non-scientific, pseudo-mystical Sentinel/Guide standpoint had been the wrong approach. Shaking his head, Blair tried again. "What I'm asking you…."

"I know what you're asking me," Jim cut him off.

"And?"

"And what?"

Blair gave a long-suffering sigh. "And how do you feel about it? I mean, it seems to me that we both have feelings about each other we've been suppressing for a long time. I think we need to talk about why. We've never really discussed this kind of thing before. I don't even know how you feel about male/male relationships. Do you find the idea repugnant?"

"Repugnant?" Jim turned to look at Blair at last and to the smaller man's surprise, he smiled. "No, Blair. I don't find the idea of a relationship with you repugnant."

As Blair gazed into Jim's smiling eyes, hope soared within him. He's not adverse to a relationship with me! Blair thought giddily. This admission was more than he'd thought to get out of Jim and the implications astounded and aroused him simultaneously. Jim was still smiling gently, his lips close enough to Blair's that if he leaned forward, he could easily kiss the older man. Offering up a prayer of thanks to whatever Gods might be listening, Blair swallowed nervously and began to lean in.

"Blair, this isn't happening."

Blair froze. "It isn't?" he asked carefully, pulling back far enough to look into Jim's eyes.

"No."

"Oh." A moment passed. "I was wrong, then," Blair said sadly to himself, and he shook his head at his own foolishness.

Jim watched him shaking his head and realized he couldn't leave his friend with that impression. Blair had wanted to clear the air and in his heart, Jim knew it was the right thing to do. It seemed to be a day for truths, after all.

"No, Blair. You weren't wrong." Blair looked up hopefully and the hurt Jim was about to cause the younger man pained him greatly--but Blair would suffer far less, the big man believed, than he would himself. "But this isn't going to happen because it…wouldn't be right."

Blair looked confused. "In whose estimation?"

Jim let out a sad breath and admitted, "Mine."

"Yours?" Blair's face fell. "Then you feel it too, but you've thought about it and you don't want it." The younger man nodded as if this explained a lot.

"I'm sorry, Blair. I don't want to take that chance. Not with our friendship. It's too important."

Blair just smiled sadly and twisted a corner of his shirt into a bunch. "Well, that's certainly the nicest rejection I ever got."

Jim didn't know what to say to that.

"Am I really such a major risk?" Blair asked, looking deeply into Jim's eyes.

Jim sighed. He didn't want to get into this now, not while they were on vacation. But he owed his friend the truth. "You and I don't view intimacy the same way, Sandburg. For me, it has to mean something. I've never been…casual about that kind of thing. I don't do one night stands. At least, I don't sleep with someone if there's not the potential for it to evolve into something more meaningful. I need to be able to say to myself, 'Maybe this person is the one.' I have to feel that it…."

"Wait a minute, here, man." Blair had been making objection-like motions for the last several sentences and apparently could stand it no longer. "You're saying I'm casual about relationships? What am I, the one night stand king? Blair the slut, is that it?"

"Blair! I didn't say that."

"Yes, you did! But you have no right! You presume to understand how I view sex, but you don't know anything about me! Gods above! For all you know, I could be the exact opposite of what you think I am. Maybe I DON'T sleep around the way you think I do! Maybe I never have!" As if realizing he'd said too much, Blair fell silent, his cheeks a flaming protest to Jim's thoughtless declaration.

"Blair, what are you saying?"

Bowing his head, Blair remained silent, his stillness a quiet condemnation in and of itself. Concerned, Jim leaned forward and grasped the smaller man's chin, lifting his head forcefully and attempting to make Blair meet his eyes. And while the younger man kept his gaze averted, Jim saw enough. Indeed, what Jim saw did more than give him pause, it shocked him to his boots.

Blair had tears in his eyes.

In all the time he had known Blair, Jim had seen him cry only once--and that was when his heart had been broken. "Blair! Hey, I'm sorry if I've implied something that's hurt you. That wasn't my intention." Ocean blue irises turned up, pain so openly broadcast from their guileless depths that Jim removed his hand and recoiled slightly. "Blair, please…you're scaring me, here. What is it?" This wasn't what he'd wanted at all! To hurt Blair like this!

"If I was really that kind of person, Jim, I would have…." Blair choked brokenly, shook his head and tried again, "A long time ago, I would have…. But I didn't…and I never…." Tears fell freely now and Blair stood abruptly, wheeling on his friend and waving a shaking fist in his dismay. "All I ever wanted from you was your respect!" Throwing his marshmallow-stick to the ground, Blair spun on his heel and marched off into the darkened woods, leaving his stunned, silent partner behind.

On his log by the fire, Jim sat, mouth hanging open, staring after his friend in astonishment. Blair's words rang in his ears: "But I didn't…and I never…."

I never.

Oh, God.

Blair was a virgin.

Jim felt his reality teeter as he struggled to understand this new twist life had thrown at him. If it was true, it meant that everything he'd believed about Blair for so very long was garbage. How could he have been so wrong about the man? Blair was right. Jim did take him for granted--took for granted things he knew nothing about. He presumed to know Blair, when all he really knew were appearances. Was this why Blair's relationships broke off so quickly? Because his partners started to expect too much? Because they expected something Blair wasn't ready to give? Shit!

Though he was shocked by these revelations, Jim was more appalled by his own rash declaration. Talk about putting your foot in your mouth! Good one, Ellison. Maybe later you can find some puppies to stomp. Puppies with big, soulful blue eyes.

"Blair, wait!" Tossing his own marshmallow-stick aside, Jim was off the log in a flash and making for his partner's retreating form. Sentinel sight picked him out of the shadows with ease and Jim caught up to his partner without difficulty. "Wait, Blair. We have to talk!"

Blair rounded on him. "NOW you want to talk? Well guess what, Ellison? I DON'T!! Just go away and let me die of shame." Blair turned and resumed his blind march.

"What shame? I think it's wonderful, Blair! You have a lot of courage." Blair stopped in his tracks and turned a tear streaked face to his partner. Jim had the sudden urge to kiss away those tears, but he shook it off. This was no time for fantasy. This was serious.

"I have what?" Blair asked, confused.

"Blair, I wish I had waited for the right person to come along. I wish I had waited until I was in love. That's what makes it special. I think that takes tremendous patience and strength of character. I admire that."

Blair frowned. "Again, you presume to know me--to know my motivations and reasoning." Pulling his gaze away, Blair stared off into the darkened woods around them. "You don't know anything about me, man," Blair sputtered, choking back tears, "Nothing."

Jim was beginning to realize this himself. "Okay. Tell me, then." Jim forged ahead, "Why have you been…abstinent?"

Blair winced at the word "abstinent" as if it had unwholesome connotations. "I was…."

"Tell me," Jim prompted softly.

"I was waiting for something." Blair continued to gaze off into the woods, though Jim was sure he could see nothing but darkness. Perhaps that was what he was looking at. The darkness all around them.

"What, Blair? What were you waiting for?"

"I was waiting until I knew the time was right."

"And how would you know?"

"I would know because I wouldn't be…afraid."

This gave Jim pause. "You mean to say…you're not afraid with me?"

"No." The word was whispered so quietly a normal human wouldn't have been able to hear it.

Jim heard.

"I've wanted you for a long time," Blair admitted. "I tried not to, but I couldn't help it. When I think about it with you, I don't get scared like I usually do. You're the only one I wouldn't be afraid with. I want to have this with you, Jim."

Jim was awed by this. Not simply that Blair trusted him enough not to fear intimacy with him, but that he wanted to give this gift to him. It was astonishing. "Blair, do you know what you're saying?"

"I know," Blair responded softly. Feeling drained by the admission, he moved sluggishly to lean against a nearby tree. Waiting until Jim had taken up a similar posture, Blair took a deep breath and continued, "I didn't wait so long for no reason, man. I'm not saying I'm some kind of monk. I've done almost everything else there is to do, you know. With someone else. But I knew, somehow I've always known, that when I took this last step, I would lose myself completely. That there would be no turning back. That if I gave myself to someone that way, it would be for keeps. That I'd lose my heart and soul and never be able to move on again. Not completely. A part of me would always be missing, even if I found love again. You gotta realize how scary that is for someone like me. Someone who prides himself on being able to pick up and disappear at a moment's notice.

"It took me a long time to know it was right. I mean, we've been living together, what, almost three years now? Women…they aren't that patient. Even when I cared about a woman enough to tell her the truth about why I wouldn't…." Blair trailed off, the sound of long-withheld pain in his voice.

"What about Maya?" Jim hazarded.

Maya. Just the name called up her image in Blair's mind--an image that was neither hazy nor indistinct. Time had not offered him that small grace: forgetfulness. She had trusted Blair and he'd deceived her. He'd used her to get to her father. The shadow of guilt over what he'd done loomed like a vengeful specter still, contaminating his heart with doubt; polluting it with shame and eating at his self-esteem. But he'd done what he had to do. He'd lost her because he'd done his duty.

"It would never have worked with Maya," Blair began, his gaze lowering despite the darkness. "We were just too different. Our upbringing, our values, they were all working against us from the start." Blair raised his eyes, seeking Jim's in the shadows before him. "You understand things Maya never will. Things like duty and honor and what those things can do to a man's heart and soul. In Covert Ops. At the PD. You leaned those things." Blair tilted his head, his lips raising in a sardonic grin. "It's almost funny, ya know? I mean, I've spent my life protesting the military mentality, but it's that very thing that I admire in you. You know the price doing your duty can cost. I didn't learn that until Maya. I owe her, I guess. If it weren't for what happened with Maya, I never would have realized that the one I'd been waiting for was right there all along. You, Jim."

Jim. The one person in his life who understood his pain. When he'd lost Maya, Jim had been there for him. Not offering a shoulder to cry on--the Sentinel had known that would do no good. He'd simply let it be known that he understood and was there should he be needed. He'd done the only thing he could to lessen his partner's suffering: He'd kept Blair busy with small distractions, dragged him along on every stake-out, sought his advice on personal issues. But above all, Jim had treated him no differently than he had before. He hadn't attempted to avoid the subject of Blair's disastrous love affair, but nor had be paraded it before him. Another person might have perceived this behavior as indifference. But Blair knew Jim too well to make that mistake. Only Jim had refused to make Blair feel self-conscious by tiptoeing around the issue with sympathetic discretion. Jim had known that only time would help. So he'd stuck by Blair's side throughout--just waiting.

It was that very turning point in his life that had made Blair see his relationship with Jim in a new light. It wasn't until he'd suffered this crisis of the heart that he acknowledged, for the first time, his feelings for Jim. Watching how Jim reacted to his inner turmoil, Blair had realized how perfectly they complemented one another; each knowing what the other needed without being told and providing it without being asked. It was as if they were part of each other. Maya had walked away, but Jim? Never. Had he been in Maya's place, he would have understood. There was no doubt in Blair's mind. None at all. Jim, who so respected duty and honor, would have understood and forgiven.

Blair looked up to find Jim studying him quietly, giving him the time he needed to sort out his thoughts. Not pushing; never pushing. Only waiting, as always, until Blair was ready to carry on. Shaking off the painful memories, Blair continued, "We're…bound together. We're best friends; Sentinel and Guide. You've already given me everything I ever wanted in a lover. You gave me a home, friendship, an unbreakable bond.

"The bond. That's how I knew it was right for us. We're so alike, Jim. I'm not talking about things like age and temperament. Those things don't mean anything to me. I'm talking about the things that are important to us. We both need someone we know will always be there. I can't be with someone I don't feel that with. I'm just not the type of guy who could ever play the field. I need to lose myself in the person I love. And you're the only one I could give myself to and know I'm not risking my heart and soul. You're the only one I could trust always to be there for me." Blair gave Jim a sad smile. "You've already shared your whole life with me. There's only one thing missing. And I'm not afraid when I think about being with you. That's something even Maya couldn't give me.

"I didn't tell her, you know. Didn't tell her that I was…. " Blair trailed off looking down at his shadowed feet, then abruptly continued, "I almost never tell women the truth about why I…can't get that close. The girlfriends I did tell…well…it always turned out to be a huge mistake. They didn't appreciate that I wanted to wait to be sure it was right. Every woman I told seemed to think I should be able to give my heart--my soul--after only a few weeks. Little white obfuscations work much better," Blair said with a sad grin.

"The truth only made them come after me like I was some kind of prize. I guess corrupting a virgin is an appealing thing. The desire for the unattainable and all that. Saying 'No' once and for all only made them think they weren't important enough or something." Blair gazed off into the darkness, so like the darkness he'd allowed to creep into his soul when he'd betrayed Maya. "I've gotten pretty good at being dumped. Taking rejection gracefully and all that crap," Blair continued, his voice taking on a slightly bitter tone as he thought back on his seemingly endless string of lost loves. "I'm not the one night stand king, Jim. I'm the king of being dumped on."

Jim, who had surmised as much for himself already, inwardly cursed every woman who'd ever hurt his partner. But at the same time, he was glad. It was a terrible thing to be glad over another's pain, but he was. If Blair's female friends hadn't been so incredibly foolish, Jim would never have known Blair's secret. He would never have had this chance. For Jim now understood that when Blair said he was afraid with them, he didn't mean he feared the physical act. Instead, it was the very fear that Jim, himself, had been struggling with for so very long. The fear of giving himself so completely to another that the relationship's failure would wound his heart beyond all repair.

Blair was right. Overtly, they were very different. But where it counted, they were somehow so much alike it was frightening. Perhaps the ancient Sentinels and Guides were like this, too. Maybe they had shared just this kind of…emotional dynamic; joined in their deepest beliefs and fears, whether they realized it or not. Maybe that was the very element that bound them together.

Jim gave his head a shake. This wasn't the time for such speculation. Blair was the expert, anyway. He'd ask him about it later. But there was one thing he had to ask now. One thing he needed to know. Jim thought he knew the answer already, but after his faulty reasoning thus far, Jim was loathe to assume anything without his Guide's confirmation.

"Blair…have you ever been attracted to another man? Before me, I mean."

Blair shrugged, then shook his head and looked down, seemingly more embarrassed than he'd been even when revealing his virginity. What was this? Jim wondered apprehensively. He was about to question his partner about his abrupt change in demeanor, when Blair said cautiously, "I've never felt this way about a guy before." Blair tugged at a button on his shirt. "It's weird. Before you, I never thought I could feel this way about a guy. So I…tested myself."

Jim frowned, "Tested yourself?" He didn't like the sound of that one bit.

"Yeah. Went to some leather bars. Picked up guys that reminded me of you," Blair admitted shamefacedly. Jim felt a stab of jealousy, but before he could speak, Blair continued, "I was trying to see if I could get…aroused by another guy."

"What happened?" Why was he whispering?

Blair looked up and smiled crookedly. "Well…let's just say I got a reputation as a tease pretty quickly."

"Blair! Do you have any idea how dangerous that was? How could you do something so stupid?" It hadn't been so long since Vice that Jim had forgotten that some men didn't easily take "No" for an answer. Especially the types that hung around in leather bars--the "tough man's" gay paradise. Blair had been lucky to escape with the mere reputation of a "tease," instead of physical and emotional scars to show for such stupidity. For Jim was fairly certain that by "guys that reminded me of you," Blair had meant, "guys a lot bigger than I am." Stupid? It was more than stupid. It was insane! Blair and his tests, Jim thought with a dismal shake of his head. What was he gonna do with the man?

"Sorry, Jim. I…had to know. I had to be sure…." As Blair watched Jim shaking his head, he shifted from foot to foot, swaying to and fro unhappily. "Oh, man. You're disgusted with me, aren't you? It's not enough that I've humiliated myself in front of you, but now you're disgusted and pissed off, too!" Blair lowered his head and muttered, "This is the single worst day of my life."

"Blair, no!" Jim shook himself, trying to keep up with his Guide's leaping thoughts. "I mean, that was a stupid thing to do, but I'm not mad at you. Or disgusted. And I meant what I said before. I think its wonderful that you waited…and absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. You have no reason to feel humiliated." Jim stepped closer. "I admire you, Blair. I always have." It was a difficult admission, but Blair needed to hear it.

Blair met his eyes at last and snorted, "If it's so admirable, then how come everyone doesn't wait? I mean, how many twenty-seven year old virgins do you know?"

Jim tilted his head comically, a slight smile quirking the corners of his lips, "Including you? Gee, let me think."

Blair almost grinned in response and had to shake his head to keep the smile from forming. "You are such an asshole, Ellison."

Jim only snorted humorously in his own defense.

Rubbing his temples lightly with the tips of his fingers, Blair intoned, "Gods, what a night. My head's spinning."

"I wish mine was. I need a drink. Come back to the fire with me."

"I didn't pack any liquor."

"I did. Come on." Jim put an arm around his wayward partner, glad to find that Blair didn't protest the action, and guided them unerringly through the darkened woods to camp. Jim sat Blair on the log by the fire, then hunted down the flask of scotch he kept in his pack for emergencies. This was an emergency if ever there was one.

Jim took a healthy belt, then passed the roughened silver flask to the younger man, who gulped obediently before coughing and wrinkling his nose with exaggerated disgust. He looked so adorable when he did that, Jim talked him into taking another swallow just to see him do it again.

"Feel better?" Jim asked, watching the flush of whisky-warmth heat his Guide's cheeks.

"I guess. Jim, can I ask you something?"

"Anything."

"How…" Blair looked a little afraid of his own question, "how do you feel about me? I mean, really."

Taking the flask from his partner's outstretched hand, Jim considered his next words carefully. "You were right when you said we both have feelings we've been suppressing for a long time. At first…I convinced myself that I didn't want to take a chance on ruining our friendship. But that wasn't really it. That wasn't why…things never went any further between us."

"You mean it was because of what you said before. 'Cause you thought of me as some kind of table-leg humping skirt-chaser--too shallow to understand love and commitment and too self-centered to deserve it." Blair frowned defensively and wrapped his arms protectively around his chest.

While looking at the acorn-strewn forest floor below, Jim said, "I'm sorry, Blair. I was wrong, okay?" Looking up, he met his Guide's shadowed blue eyes as he continued, "But you can't place the blame wholly on my shoulders. You did a pretty damn good job of feeding my beliefs. You wanted me to think what I thought. You must have! What with the way you acted a lot of the time…." Jim broke off, not wanting to hurt his friend further. He'd been through enough tonight.

Clearing his throat, Jim asked softly, "Why did you do that, Blair? Come into the station on a morning after one of your dates with this big smile on your face, saying things that clearly implied that you'd been…. Why, Blair?"

Blair suddenly became very interested in toes of his tattered high-tops. "It's not like I've never done anything. I did…you know…have a good time those nights. There are a lot of ways a man and woman can…well…you know. I just didn't," Blair waved a hand, his voice dropping to a whisper, "go all the way." Blair's heart fluttered very slightly and Jim frowned. He knew that sound well. He'd heard it on any number of occasions when questioning suspects. It happened when someone was telling the truth--just not the whole truth.

Jim didn't walk around constantly monitoring the heartbeats of everyone he spoke to for possible half-truths. It would drive him nuts. But his concern for Blair's well-being had made him focus on his Guide. There was something more here. Some additional reason Blair had kept his virtue so well hidden. "Blair," he said simply.

The younger man looked up, grunted with frustration, then cast his gaze down again quickly. As Guide, Blair obviously knew how pointless it was not to speak with total honestly when Jim was in "monitoring mode." Jim was surprised he'd even tried it. Sighing his resignation, Blair admitted, "I told you already, man. I wanted your respect. It was…important to me." He didn't look up, but his heartbeat was strong and steady.

Whoa. All that just to impress me? Jim regarded his roommate with concern. "Chief, did you really think making me believe you were a ladies' man would earn my respect?"

Blair shrugged and mumbled, "Always worked before."

"On who?"

Blair waved a hand in a sweeping gesture, "Everyone."

Jim sighed and shook his head. "Oh, Blair. We're not in a locker room. You don't have to try to impress me. And people who are really your friends aren't going to care one way or the other." Giving his friend a crooked grin, Jim declared, "You're already impressive enough, believe me. You don't need tall tales to get my admiration or respect. You've already got it."

"Then you don't think less of me?"

"Of course not! I told you, it's nothing to be ashamed of."

Blair regarded him skeptically for a moment. "Jim, how old were you the first time you did it?"

Unused to revealing such personal facts, Jim hesitated before answering, "Eighteen."

"And when you were eighteen, before the first time, how old did you tell your buddies you were when you lost your virginity?"

Surprise made him answer honestly, "Uh…fifteen."

Blair nodded. "My point exactly. If there was nothing to be ashamed of, you would have told the truth."

"Blair! I was a kid then. Those things seemed a lot more important. But I know better now."

"What do you know?"

Jim frowned. "I know it's feelings that really matter, not the physical act. You're a smart man, Blair. You don't need me to tell you that."

"Am I a man?" Blair muttered to himself, but Jim heard and was appalled.

"Of course, you're a man! Blair, I joined the army when I was eighteen. I didn't lose my virginity until just before I put on a uniform. And later, when I joined Covert Ops, a lot of the men under my command--men I trusted, men I fought with and watched die--went to their deaths during missions never having had the chance to experience that kind of intimacy. They never had the chance you do. The chance to wait until it was right for them.

"They were some of the bravest men I've ever had the honor to serve with. Most of them were still teenagers, new recruits only eighteen or nineteen years old. But they were men, Blair. And no one will ever say otherwise in my presence. And I…well…I feel the same way about you," Jim finished uneasily, secretly glad that the fire was dimming. He wasn't sure he could have said all that with Blair regarding him in the cold light of day, true though it might be. Talking about others was easy. Talking about his own feelings--that was hard.

"Yeah?"

The voice was so hopeful, so believing, that Jim found himself smiling. He realized, suddenly, that he had somehow managed to atone for his earlier hasty words. "Yeah," he confirmed with conviction--and he meant it. Blair was a man. Not your usual kind of man, but a man nonetheless. "I really mean it, Blair."

"Jim?"

"Yeah, Chief?"

"Thanks, man."

Jim smiled, feeling suddenly shy. "Um…it's been kind of a long night. Maybe we should both get some sleep. Think about things. We can start over in the morning."

"All right."

"You go ahead and hit the tent. I'll take care of the fire."

"Yeah. Okay." Blair rose to his feet. "Uh…Jim?"

"Yeah?"

"Um…I know we've had kind of an emotional bloodletting, here…and I understand why you think we should sleep on it and start over tomorrow…but…."

"What? We've been honest with each other so far." God, have we ever. "At this point, I don't think there's anything we can't say to each other. So tell me. What's wrong?"

"There's nothing wrong." Blair shifted from foot to foot uncertainly. "I was just wondering if we could…maybe hold each other tonight while we're sleeping on this?"

Jim smiled. "Of course we can. That sounds perfect."

Blair released a breath of relief. " 'Kay." He fidgeted. "Uh…I'll just be in the tent, then."

Jim tried not to laugh. "Okay." His Guide was absolutely adorable when he was this nervous. He was going to enjoy exploring this side of the man. It was the only part of Blair he hadn't experienced. And the fact that he looked like he might faint over the idea of being held by Jim made him not only want to laugh with delight, but caused him to swell with pride.

Jim watched as his partner wandered off, none too steadily, in the general direction of the tent before turning to tend the fire-pit. He hadn't said so, but he'd needed this time alone to think--to consider.

The weekend was proceeding very differently from what he'd expected. Just the discovery of his partner's chastity was earth-shaking. He'd been so sure he knew what kind of man his Guide was. But Blair was clearly not the lothario Jim had taken him for. How could he have so misjudged his friend?

The idea that Blair wanted him, had feelings for him, and had chosen him to be the first--no, not just the first, the only--was awe-inspiring. Blair wanted him with the full understanding that he would--how had Blair put it?--lose his heart and soul to the person he gave himself to? Yes. And to think that he was the person Blair wanted to share this with!

As Jim knelt there before the fire, thinking about their future together, happiness such as he'd never known bloomed within him. He'd loved this man for what felt like forever. And now that he had stopped hiding from it, had let himself really feel it, everything that had happened before this moment was cast into shadow. The past became a jumble of bland images, without substance or depth. It was as if his entire life had been spent in darkness; in a pale existence, moving meaninglessly from one encounter to another. But none of that mattered anymore, for he was suddenly certain that everything in his life had, thus far, been only a means to an end--happening only to lead him to this point.

Jim hugged himself happily, sure that this was no dream only because he could still feel the pain where he'd bitten his cheek earlier. Running his tongue over the wound, Jim wondered idly if it would scar. He hoped it would. That way, whenever he was feeling alone, he could simply run his tongue over the scar and he would remember the day he'd discovered that Blair loved him. Loved him that way. In a way he never had, and never would, love anyone else.

That thought alone made him anxious and dizzy. Opening his eyes quickly, Jim hastened to extinguish the fire, suddenly impatient to sleep, for the first time, while holding his Guide in his arms. After a last check to be sure the camp was secure for the night, Jim headed anxiously to join his partner. Unzipping the tent quickly, Jim made to cross the nylon threshold, but found himself poised in the entrance, frozen by delighted surprise.

In the dim light of his small lantern, Blair was carefully zipping their sleeping bags together.

Realizing, suddenly, that he was no longer alone, Blair looked up with a 'kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar' expression, and he hastened to explain himself. "Um…I know I'm being kind of presumptuous here, man, but I thought…."

Jim moved the rest of the way into the tent and squatted to zip up the flap. Turning to his roommate with a smile, he said, "Tell me what you thought, babe."

"Babe?"

Jim shrugged self-consciously. It had just come out. If Blair didn't like it, he'd find some other…but, no. Blair was smiling at him. Jim relaxed and brushed an errant curl behind his Guide's ear. "You were saying?"

"Uh…oh! I thought you wouldn't mind. Um, if you do, I could…."

"I don't mind," Jim assured him. "Just took me by surprise, is all." Blair nodded and hesitated momentarily, twisting the toe of one sock. It was a moment before Jim realized that Blair was nervous about undressing in front of him. He never had been before. But then, it had never had these overtones before. These specific implications. What a difference a day can make! Jim marveled, suddenly aware that everything he'd wanted for so very long was his for the taking. Well…perhaps not tonight. But soon. The very idea left him giddy.

Taking the initiative, Jim sat on their combined sleeping bags and lay back to remove his sneakers and jeans. Blair watched him for a moment, shook himself suddenly, then followed suit. Jim kept his eyes carefully to himself. He wouldn't make his friend uncomfortable. He would wait, forever if need be, until Blair was ready. Smiling to himself, Jim inwardly shook his head at the foolishness of those women who hadn't been willing to wait for someone as wonderful as Blair. They had no idea what they'd passed up.

Seeing that Blair was now sitting awkwardly in a tee-shirt and sweatpants, Jim motioned for him to get into the sleeping bags while he puttered pointlessly around the small tent. He wanted Blair in the bags first. This would save him the embarrassment of having to get in with Jim for the first time.

Crawling into the indicated space, Blair watched him tidy some discarded clothes and slowly smiled. Perhaps Blair thought he was the one who was nervous, Jim speculated as he watched his partner smile from the corner of his eye. Or, knowing his Guide's insightfulness, he may have already surmised that Jim was trying to assuage his apparent discomfort. Whatever the case, Jim wouldn't make him regret his decision by allowing this to become awkward.

Finishing with his tent-tidying, Jim turned and, as if he slept in sleeping bags with men every day of the week, swung his legs carelessly into the bag. Hunkering down into the space Blair had left him with exaggerated nonchalance, he tried his best to sound bored as he told Blair, "I'm gonna kill this light."

"Yeah. Okay." Blair nodded agreeably from where he was huddled in the furthermost corner of the bags.

Jim reached up and extinguished the lantern, then looked over at his partner. Blair lay quiescent in his corner, blinking owlishly in the darkness. Trying for the same bored tone, Jim complained, "This would be a lot more comfortable if I put my arm around you."

He'd said it only as a warning. Knowing that Blair couldn't see him in the dark, he didn't want to startle the younger man. As if it were a simple handshake, the Sentinel reached out and pulled Blair into his arms, one hand gently directing the younger man to rest his head on Jim's chest.

Blair had stiffened for a moment, but just as Jim began to fear he'd been too presumptuous, his Guide relaxed, letting his arms move around Jim's larger frame. Burrowing in further to bring their bodies into full contact, Blair sighed happily and said, "This is nice."

Letting out a relieved breath, Jim hastened to agree, "Yeah. It is."

It was nice, so nice that Jim had to struggle to keep his libido in check. It wasn't easy with Blair in his arms. Feeling his warmth, his spicy smell tickling Jim's nose, made it damn near impossible not to become aroused. But he refused to frighten the younger man by poking him in the side when they had yet to share even a first kiss. But, oh! This felt so good. So right! Jim wondered if he would sleep at all. He might simply stay up all night enjoying the feel of Blair in his arms.

Protected by the darkness, Jim allowed himself to smile stupidly. Yes. He could stay up all night and still not tire of this feeling. He felt like shouting his joy from the rooftops, or breaking into song. Yet he remained quiet. Just because he couldn't sleep was no reason to keep his Guide up. The man had endured a painfully emotional evening. He needed his sleep.

Though Jim had been sure that his partner was through with discussion for the night, Blair broke his contented silence only a moment later.

"Jim?"

"Yeah, Chief?"

"You won't…tell anyone, will you?"

"Of course not!" Jim was surprised Blair even had to ask.

"Did you mean it when you said you still respected me?"

"I meant it, Blair. My feelings…go beyond respect." Had that made sense? Neither of them had said it, yet. Said the words. But Jim didn't want to move too quickly and frighten Blair away. Not now, just when they'd really found each other. Now that they'd sorted it all out.

Or did Blair need him to say it first? He hadn't thought of that! Was Blair waiting for him to say it right now? Jim felt a twinge of fear at the thought, and he realized, suddenly, that he'd been waiting for Blair to say it first, not just because he was worried he might spook the younger man, but because somewhere, in the deepest recesses of his heart, he still feared losing him.

Jim had almost zoned on his indecision when Blair's voice brought him back.

"Jim? I need to know if…. Not that it matters, but…I wanted to ask…."

"Anything, Blair. You can always ask me anything. You can always tell me anything. Okay?"

"Okay. Um…you don't have to answer if this is too personal…."

"I'll answer, " Jim told him with conviction. "I'll always answer. Ask."

"Have you ever…you know…been with a guy?"

Jim relaxed. Was that all? "No. Never. I never wanted to before…before you."

"When did you know you wanted to?"

"I'm not sure exactly when it happened, but I started having these dreams…."

"You dreamt about me?" Blair sounded surprised.

"Uh…yeah."

"You mean, like…wet dreams?"

Jim shifted uncomfortably, "Yeah, Blair."

"Wow."

Blair sounded so pleased with this discovery that Jim smiled. "It was kinda confusing, at first. Took me a while to come to terms with it. It was hard for someone like me. I mean, I'd never even looked at another man before. So maybe you were right. Maybe it is a Sentinel/Guide thing. Meant to be."

Jim felt Blair raise his head. "I thought you didn't believe in destiny."

"I don't, not really. But hey," Jim shrugged, "I could be wrong."

Jim glanced down at his partner to find him smiling in the darkness. He not only looked happy with what Jim had said, but also right-at-home in his arms. Obviously, Jim wasn't the only one who felt a sense of "rightness" about all this. Jim's heart did a little jig in his chest.

"Will you tell me sometime? About the dreams?"

"Yeah," Jim answered, feeling strangely shy yet again. "Sometime."

Returning his head to its former place, Blair cuddled in a bit more and Jim could feel him smiling against his chest as he whispered, " 'Night, Jim."

"Goodnight, Chief," he whispered in return, and to his surprise he fell almost instantly into a long, deep, blissful slumber.

When his Guide was happy, so was his Sentinel.

Morning came too soon for Jim and he stretched languorously as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes. It was a moment before all that had transpired the night before came back to him, but the moment it did, he became aware of the warm body snuggled in beside his, their legs partially entwined. The sound of his Guide's heartbeat told him that Blair was already awake and, turning his head, he found Blair with his chin propped up on one hand, regarding him thoughtfully.

"Hey," Jim greeted.

"Hey, Jim. Sleep well?"

"Yeah. I did. Been awake long?"

Blair shrugged, "A while. I've been thinking."

"About last night?"

Blair flushed slightly. "Um, yeah. Remember when you said I could ask you anything?"

"Yeah."

"Well, I want to ask you something, but it's…pretty personal."

"Blair…you slept in my arms all night. I think that entitles you to ask anything you want. If I can answer, I will." Blair nodded to himself, frowning as if he was trying to sort out the words he needed.

Jim settled back, enjoying the early morning lethargy while he waited for his Guide's question. Blair must have something pretty serious to ask, Jim thought, for the contemplative silence reigned for some time. Deciding not to push, Jim allowed Blair to work up his nerve while using the time to try and will away his morning erection.

He hoped Blair hadn't noticed. It wouldn't do to send him running from the tent or leave him feeling obligated to "assist" because things had changed between them. Down boy! Jim silently commanded. It's time when Blair says it's time, and not a second before! he chided in his best no-nonsense tone, only to be happily ignored by his renegade penis.

Damn, Jim frowned in his head, sometimes I really envy women.

"Jim?"

He'd been so engrossed in his battle with the wayward appendage that he was startled by his Guide's voice. "Yeah?"

"What's it like?"

Jim didn't pretend to misunderstand. "It's.... Well...it's kind of hard to explain." Blair snorted as if he'd heard that one a thousand times before, and cocked an eyebrow reproachfully--a silent reminder that Jim had promised Blair could ask him anything.

Taking in the look, Jim shook his head at his ridiculous evasion. Hard to explain? That's what everybody says when they want to avoid answering difficult questions. Blair expected better from him and he certainly deserved it. But there was even more to it than that. Blair trusted Jim to tell him the truth. Not some tall tale of sexual conquest, but the honest-to-God truth. And judging from the difficulty Blair had experienced in asking, he had found it humiliating just to have to pose the question. After last night, Blair wouldn't willingly suffer this embarrassment unless he really needed to know.

Jim sighed, brows furrowing as he groped for words. "It's not like when you touch yourself," Jim began hesitantly and he waited a moment, giving Blair time to protest, if he felt the need, and declare that he did not touch himself like some hormonally imbalanced teenager. But honesty seemed to be the catchword for the weekend, for no protest was forthcoming. Clearing his throat, the Sentinel continued, "It's so much more intense, it can be almost...." Jim trailed off self-consciously.

Placing a hand on Jim's chest, Blair regarded his Sentinel with wide, interested eyes. "Almost what?"

Jim swallowed. "Almost...scary." Blair nodded as if he had surmised this much for himself. "That is, it can be scary when it's still new, or with someone you haven't been with before--or been with often--and you're not really comfortable yet," Jim hastened to explain, not wanting to frighten his friend more than was necessary. Blair had enough to cope with as it was.

"But how does it feel?"

Jim nodded, prepared for the question. "Since I've only been with women, I'll have to tell you what it feels like with a woman. What it feels like with a man, I have no clue." Jim glanced at his partner, who only nodded slightly in encouragement.

Clearing his throat, the older man continued, "There's...there's nothing like it, Blair. To feel someone stretched out beneath you, your bodies skin to skin and you inside her. It makes you feel alive. And it puts you so much in the now that...that everything else goes away. The whole world seems to go away and you forget all your troubles, disappointments, pain."

Jim lay back and got comfortable, looking at the tent-dome above him, wondering why he'd thought it would be difficult to explain this to Blair. Now that he'd begun, it seemed the most natural thing in the world to lie in a tent discussing his sex-life with his partner. Jim wasn't sure what that meant. Maybe it was part of that Sentinel/Guide "sexual dynamic" he'd been pondering yesterday.

"Go on," a gentle, though somewhat awed voice prompted, pulling him from his reverie.

"Oh...uh.…" Jim shifted in his sleeping bag, his erection beginning to throb uncomfortably. The current topic of discussion wasn't helping his condition, and Blair was so close to him he could feel the man's breath on his cheek, his neck.

Giving himself a shake, Jim continued, "It feels…it feels like a miracle. Wet heat and exquisite pressure. At first, it's always the same: you can't believe how good it feels. Then you start to move inside her and suddenly, it's better. So much better you want…well…you want to finish right away…but at the same time, you want it never to end. And the feeling builds. The pleasure. And you get to this point where you feel for a moment that you're not two separate people anymore. You're both moving together so perfectly, it's as if you're one being. It really is the ultimate joining, Blair. For a little while, you really are part of each other. Joined in pleasure. Can you imagine that?"

"I…not really, no."

Jim nodded. It was hard to understand. But there was one thing he'd better make clear right away. He hadn't wanted to tell Blair this, knowing it might frighten him, but Jim's heart demanded his honesty. "Blair, the first time...well, it's not so good. You're too scared and nervous to feel all the things you're supposed to feel. In the beginning, it's always a disappointment. I mean, it is for most people."

" 'Til you get good at it," Blair supplied with such certainty that Jim just had to smile.

"Yeah," he agreed, " 'Til you get good at it."

"But…but what if the first time you're with a person you know you can trust. Someone who doesn't make you afraid or nervous. What then?"

Jim tilted his head and responded seriously, "Then you're a very lucky man."

Blair nodded thoughtfully, "Yeah. I guess I am."

Jim took the compliment gracefully, with only the barest of shy smiles curling the corners of his lips. He was only slightly surprised when a moment later the younger man reached out a hand and, with just the tips of his fingers, touched his lips.

The touch was so intimate, so suggestive and erotic, that it was all Jim could do keep himself from sucking those fingers into his mouth. Dear God! Does Blair have any idea what he's doing to me? Jim wondered. His cock was twitching. He could feel it moving restlessly of its own volition. But drawing on a heretofore unknown reserve of inner-strength, Jim found the means to wait. He had waited so long already, he could wait awhile longer. He wouldn't spook his beautiful young love. They would take this at Blair's pace, or not at all, he vowed. So many had hurt Blair trying to push him into something he wasn't ready for. Jim would not allow himself to become one of them.

Secure in his decision, Jim relaxed, turning his attention to just enjoying the glorious feel of Blair's light touch upon him. Whenever you're ready, Blair, Jim thought happily. Whenever you're ready, I'm right here beside you.

And I always will be.

Continued in part two.